i dont understand why my mum tends to make things bigger than they really are.

i accidentally burnt a pot. how was i to know how much that pot cost? i was trying to steam something and i couldnt find the steamer (being because its in the storeroom, and in my 20years of living its never been put there).

she comes home pissed, screaming and banging stuff around, just because of her pot. it got so bad that my dad screamed at her. and she got pissed again. why are things like this always my fault?

ok i admit the pot burning was my fault that is undeniable. but in my self-defence i havent eaten anything for the whole day, i was hungry. so i tried to steam something rather than cook it myself. i did soak the steamed pot thinking the black thing was just soot.

but no she had to get so pissed the family's in chaos again. i was forced to go down to get her a bottle of vinegar (and in the process some alcohol to calm myself down).

what i really dont get is this: how can a pot be worth uprooting the whole family? i understand she's upset: i think to myself that if someone ruined something that belongs to me i'd be upset too. but to the extent of banging things around, of making the whole family upset and pissed over just a pot. its not like i meant to do it intentionally.

i just dont get why she has to be like that.

more movie reviews!

Monster Vs Aliens (not the 3D version)

cute show, quite entertaining, but minimal plot. funny show, a few unexpected jokes, great show for kids. typical "finding your true self" plot. great effects and graphics though. i think i'd rate it an approximate 4/10 based on plot, 7/10 based on entertainment.

Angels and Demons

ok let me first point out i watched this at vivo. i reached vivo at a good 4pm! but had only gotten tickets for a.. 12midnight show! thats how hot it was.

good acting, they stuck to the book quite a bit. except for the end, which was kind of a shame cos they missed out the greatest coverup/plot twist. but still it flowed relatively well, and its quite a good take based on the book. the director obviously must have been a fan or he couldnt possibly have made the movie so realistic. a must watch if you read the book, just to see the trail of the illuminati yourself is engrossing enough.

Night at the Museum 2

Sequel to Night at the Museum 1, this is a less hilarious movie compared. However, it makes up for it by having a more interesting plot. Really tickles your funny bone, but its kinda repetitive after a while. Some parts of the movie remind you vaguely of certain youtube videos, (especially anyone who's seen Star Wars: The Death Star remake). I rate it a 5/10

Star Trek

SURPRISINGLY GOOD MOVIE! i am not a fan of star trek, nor do i read it. but after watching it, i kind of started liking the series. am intrigued into reading the book too. animation was relatively accurate, plot was easy to understand. Really funny show too! strange accents and little jokes between the lines make it so much easier to understand and follow. Not like those harry potter movies you have to read the book to understand.

Wolverine

Finally i understand whats going on in X-men. To be honest i gave up on the series after the phoenix thing. It was starting to go more towards "movies that are continued just because the title itself will make it a box office hit" that i got sick of it. But contrary to the series, the movie itself wasnt too bad. Had more depth and feel to it then the rest of the movie. Gave me an idea too, at least what was happening in the past. Dont know if it follows the comic though...

I still wanna watch the last blood vampire thing... sounds interesting but im not sure if its my kind of show. the hand scene in the shinjuku incident grossed me out a lot until now i still have nightmares about it. sighhh.

Oh and btw, go see the exhibition in vivocity if you have time. national geographic. really interesting. just dont touch anything cos its dam expensive.

forgotten, forbidden
shadowed and overtaken
insignificant, in existance
like a ghost from the past

memories, of another
flooding, coming closer
a life, you want to remember
forever, forever.

two pieces, of a mirror
broken, unfixable
but still, in your reflection
the picture is whole.

today i learnt a very important lesson. i find myself shocked and dumbfounded, that it took me so much to learn that one lesson. but i know this now: i will never. make. that. mistake. again.

this is one lesson i will never be able to forget.

im tired.
so tired.
afraid of falling asleep.
i dont want to wake up
dont wake me up
from my beautiful dream.

im sick.
so sick.
afraid of seeing the truth.
i dont want to admit
i dont want to see things
as they really may be.

dreams
just dreams
they're all i have
all that i can believe
that i can say, i once lived

the real world
harsh and violent
but in my dreams
i can escape

my heart pangs, it hurts so much. even more so every day. some things cannot be undone. some things will never stop hurting. some things can never be forgotten.

i guess this applies to me to. ive done things that cant be undone, things that will never stop hurting ppl, things that people cannot forgive me for. but everytime when im alone, or when i think back, echoes come back in my head, repeating the same words over and over again. words that hurt me more than anything physical could ever hurt. words that, no matter how much i knew it was true, it still hurt thinking about it. words that never failed to well up tears in my eyes, tears that no one will ever see.

a softer side i saw
comforting, loving
beneath the layers
hidden, waiting
under the pain
the brutal, the hurt
caring and gentle
in touch and in word.

hmmm. progress. im making progress. i can feel it in my heart. i can feel the pain. i can feel the hurt of lying, and knowing that i cant lie to anyone anymore. for the first time, i can feel my heart telling me "stop it. its time to really stop it." this is the first time ive felt like i cannot lie to him or anyone anymore. honestly, it took me by surprise. but i am kinda happy it happened.

as i lay quietly in bed
pretending to be asleep in your arms
i gave myself a small prayer
that tomorrow will never come

reading phy and xiu's blogs made me realise what ive missed. because both posts were about the things they cherished and missed that we used to have, i realised i missed those same things too. its kinda sad wondering if we can ever get them back.

but more than that i miss a lot more. i feel like im now looking at a scrapbook in my life, hoping to get a glimpse of where i changed. i dont know why reading their posts were so emotional to me.. maybe because i feel i've lost touch with them. like im no longer there where i used to be.

sandy, if u happen to read my blog, happy birthday. i dont know which number you use now and i lost my phone, so i cant send you a birthday sms. but here's happy birthday from me.

a lot of things have been going on. thinking back makes my heart ache and hurt so much more. but the past is the past. i cant dwell on it anymore. sweet memories, bitter heartaches, its all the past now.

meaningless tears
falling continuously
silent sobs
alone in the dark
but even as the tears fall
i wonder why
why... i cry.
it wasnt pain,
it wasn't hurt.
and yet.. i bled.
my heart bled.
for some reason i didnt know.
but still, i continued to cry.

hmmm. phy and i were talking about chalet in december... wondering if that's even possible. but there are a lot of uncertainties...

1. xiu's leave?
2. xiu's baby?
3. sandy's free time?
4. advanced booking...

its finally happened: it's starting to mean less and less to me. every day im online i realise im less and less attracted to the game: it's changed too much for me to think about staying there too long. i guess im finally starting to grow up, knowing that one day i will leave this behind and move on. that one day i'll have to. before i started poly i used to play games a lot too. once school started i found myself having no time at all: other things were way more important. with school and friends and life beckoning to me, i found myself letting it go subconsciously. but now im consciously telling myself that i dont want to get stuck on this anymore.

i guess at one point i never wanted to leave the game, because it meant a lot to me. it meant that at least at that time i could talk to him. i know leaving the game behind i'd lose quite a bit of contact with him, but i trust our friendship is stronger than just beyond the world of gaming. it's with that trust that i lose the fear of letting it go completely.

i guess when my life gets busy again, when i find a life beyond this screen, i will move on. they ask me what about my friends in the gaming world. they're just characters on a screen. they were never anything more.

im gg to take it a step at a time. see how long more this game can continue to push me before i finally am forced to let it go completely.

angels and demons was a great show, but slightly dull compared to the book version. they left out a few key details and interesting twists that i really wanted to see. but overall nt too bad, better than the harry potter remakes at least.

spent 4 hours walking along vivo... waiting for the movie to start. imagine this, i reached at 4+ but the only timings that had good seats was a 1225 movie. even after eating and slacking and walking around vivo, still got time to spare. sigh.

there's this save the whales partition in national geogrpahic... i read some stuff, found out some interesting things about whales. the pictures kinda blow your mind. they show you stuff that you never imagine: like a real whale tail in the water, and ppl on the boats near it. the tail was bigger than the boat! O.o

they had odd things for sale, like this cold room where apparently its -3degrees inside. they had old paperwork old picture frames (complete with pictures), books, and even old dusty bottles (that go off for like 2K sgd... who would want those?). everything's super expensive: even the fork and knives are like... 15bucks each. super duper expensive.

but it was an eyeopener... i spent 1hr there hahaa.

slept in until 3pm today. still kinda restless.

its been.. almost a year since everything happened. since graduation, since my life started embarking on the road it is still on. all in all im growing older, getting wiser, and i guess maturing in general. i hope so. im not in a rush to grow up, but it suddenly seems inevitable that one day i will have to. im learning a lot these few days, about life, love, and everything in between (i think i took this from phy's blog).

to some people i guess life would be a lot more complicated, but to me it seems very simple, and getting simpler by the day. i guess this is what we call "getting used to life". ive read and tried to catch up with a lot of people's blogs... friends, enemies, classmates alike. everyone seems to be taking great strides in their lives: marriage, kids, work, study, all of the above maybe?

so at one shot i'll try to answer all the questions about my life: since i owe it to you guys for MIAing the past.. ya. very long time.

Studies: applied for RMIT 2 year advanced standing in degree for communications. if successful i'll only be doing 1.5years, and its a part time course so i'd graduate in approximately 2011. results will be out in august, so i got nothing to do till then!

Life: not working now, not erally looking for a job. maybe part time until my application proves successful?

ghostly memoirs

i hear your footsteps,
i see you glide by
my tears start to fall,
as i reach out to you
my heart pounds and thunders:
what if you shirk me away?

you walk on, as though
you dont see me at all
no flicker in your eye
no smile on your face
just the gentle steps on the pavement
and you continued that way.

i imagine this day,
over and over again
how can i get you to see me?
i am but a ghost of your past
a memory you've long forgotten
a past.. only i remember

a ring, a distant sound
a foreign object in my hands
a single rose, bright red as blood
i look up, curious, confused
and i see it in your eyes: i know
i have yet to lose.

sometimes the actions of someone makes your own seem effortless. sometimes you think the thought counts, but certain things just cant be overwhelmed even further. there's just too many elements im unsure of, too many things i dont know and may never have the chance to find out.

scary thought: more and more ppl i dont know are chancing upon my blog. @@ i dont exactly know if thats a good thing or not: i guess good thing about it is they can give me objective POVs without being afraid to hurt me (since they dont know me), while my frens will be.. i guess.. more... erm.. gentle?

well ive decided anyhow. a lot of things happened the past week, and last night settled all my doubts. ive made a lot of mistakes in the past, and im determined to never make those mistakes again. i dont know if its possible to change, or even to "not be who i am", but im going to try my best to change for me and for everyone else around me.

mother's day's coming up.. i dont know if i intend to do anything: my mum seems to have plans of her own. she keeps insisting i spend more time with her, and in my own defence its not that i dont wish to spend time with her: ever get the feeling that... the people around you dont see 100% what's happening to you, and yet... they assume they do? that just because you're... sleeping when they go out, and sleeping when they come back, must therefore mean you slept the whole day away?

my dad, on the other hand, is more relaxed about me staying out late. okay relaxed isnt the right word: he still spams sms-es and calls, but he's beginning to give me my own space: i.e. not calling my friends, waiting for me to reply... agreeing to let me stay out late as long as he knows where i am. i guess its come to the point where my dad has finally understood that im growing up, and he has to let me fly sooner or later. my mum, on the other hand... i guess to mum's we'll always be a kid.

phyllis is due back from aus soon.. cant wait to see her. talked to her on MSN a few days ago: she must be studying her butt off right about now. phyphy if you read this: GOOD LUCK IN YOUR EXAMS!

xiu just started work, im kinda waiting for her to post about her office and environment and such. but no luck yet. still waiting~

as for me, i got myself (or rather my mum) a new camera~ i got really annoyed with the macro on my old camera, and finally i found one im satisfied with!

i even cleared out my closet to make space for my new clothes (which i am ordering online).

final note: i need to diet. BADLY. ^^

there are two paths in front of you. the first is a lit path, but at the end you see a future you dont want. the second is a dark path, you cant see anything ahead of you. you dont know if its scarier, or not.

which path would you choose to take? most people would advice you to take the lit path, because you know whats in store: at least you know its safe. would you? or would you risk it on a second path, not knowing what career lies ahead of you, or whether they'll be an end at all?

or will you jsut choose to stand at the fork of that road, until one day a decision will be made for you?

in life we're always given decisions like these. neither seem to be the right answer, yet you still have to pick one. for me, i dont know if ive chosen, or whether im still staying on the forked path, where it seems safest.

maybe one day i will decide.

im back again.

for once i find myself at a loss. words can no longer describe what im feeling. i guess one thing that hit me in my comment box was the word "hide". i wouldnt say that im hiding, but the fear is adequately accepting that as an answer.

ive come to question myself about a lot of things. what with being 21, i guess its time to think about life as a whole. and after thinking through it all, ive come to the conclusion that i dont think this year is going to be any better than anything. age, is just a number after all.

ive heard about friends who think they won't make it past june, ive known of people who, knowing they may not survive past a certain period of time that seems to be drawing so much closer every day, and yet they smile and laugh like nothing can burst their bubble.

and yet on the other hand, here i am. not sure what to do, not sure what's ahead. not even sure if i can accept my future when it comes along. there's a lot in my future that's pretty uncertain. and there are parts of it, that if it comes true, are unacceptable.

strange, i can seem to solve or guess problems amongst my friends. i just cant solve my own.

well. its been a long time since i wrote something here. its been a long time since i felt the desire to write anything, or talk about anything. rest assured i'm okay. still alive, all body parts intact.

a lot has happened this past month. ups, and downs. ive missed out on a lot of things i deeply regret, but its too late now. i guess you can say ive been MIAing from almost everything. almost no one has seen me in the past month. ive stopped reading blogs, stopped blogging in general. dont ask me why, i dont know.

since the last post, i havent actually read the comments on my own blog. i havent read any blogs so i dont know whats going on with everyone, but i hope everyone's okay.

a lot has happened, ranging from me losing my handphone, to applying for uni, finding a job, quarrelling with the folks. time seems to have gone by and im staying still. to be honest i dont know if i want to move along with time.

i cant say i miss seeing you girls, because ive always been the one MIAing. ive always been the one skipping out on outings and skipping out on almost everything. i hope everyone's going on fine.

i guess my main reason for posting this is just to assure you guys im okay.

To everyone:

I’ve got something to confess. I’ve been acting like a jerk to all of you. I’ve told all of you stories about Matt that weren’t real. I’ve lied about certain things to different people. I manipulated with your feelings and told all of you one-sided stories just to make myself look good and to make him look like an ass.

Truth is, none of it is true. In the past when I told you Matt and I broke up, I twisted the story so badly that Matt became the jackass and I was the angel. That everything I did was right. That I was the one sacrificing to be with him, and that he did nothing for me. You may think I never said that, but it was implied.

Truth is, he’s given me more chances than I told you. Even time and again each time we broke up I begged him for another chance. I gave him empty promises about how I would change, about how I could be a better person. But behind his back, I backstabbed him, telling Shiyan and Calvin stories. I made him seem like he was the one at fault. That it was never me, and that I was the one giving him chances.

When Jaz and I got together, I neglected and ignored him. I threw him aside even though he was always a friend to me. My happiness meant more to me than his friendship. I was selfish and thought only about myself. But when Jaz and I broke up, he was the first one I looked for. And despite everything I’ve done towards him, he still helped me through it.

Even now, even today I haven’t learnt my lesson. I still continued lying to him and trying to cover up for those lies. I lied to all of you too. Sandy, Calvin, Shiyan: especially to you three. I told you once that I was raped but I really wasn’t. I was being a selfish brat trying to find attention.

Matt gave me many chances, and even though he did I never treasured it. I pretended to change because of him, because I didn’t want to lose him, but behind that I was always the same person. I’m a two-faced bitch, lying to everyone about everything.

I made Matt seem like the devil to all of you. I made all of you hate him and gang up against him, just so that I would feel good about myself.

I’m sorry to everyone. To all the lies I’ve told you. I’m sorry I’ve manipulated your feelings. I’m sorry I’ve used all of you. I’m sorry, especially to Matt, for tainting his image and turning him into something he’s not in everyone else’s eyes. I’m sorry Calvin and Shiyan, for making you believe me. For lying to all of you.


I'm truly, truly sorry.

im just back from the doctor's... let me first tell you what happened.


i was at a meeting with my boss and the rest, when suddenly this mirror dropped on my head. the mirror is a big mirror with a wooden frame, approximately those painting sized ones. it crashed right on the left side of my head.

everyone was stunned. they were all asking me if i was okay. everyone was worried. but i totally went numb... it hurt too badly for me to speak. at first i thought it was okay. i was pressing my hand to my head to numb the pain.

when i brought my hand away, there was blood all over my hands. a little blood started dripping down the side of my head. thats when i got worried. i started tearing a little, not because it hurt, but because i felt scared. head bleeding is never a good sign.

my boss sent me to the doctor. a general clinic below my house. she talked to me and told me funny stuff to make me feel better. then she just glue stitch to "repair" my head. she said there's a 1.5cm "split in my skull". i got stunned. i went "split in my WHAT~!?"

after that, now im back in the office. my head's throbbing a little, and it hurts quite a fair bit. my friends say i should go for an x-ray just to be sure. i'll see what my parents think.

still a little scared.

ive got my first pay. it's a total of... $1161. considering in holidays and weekends. literally wise i worked exactly 1 month. as in ive been sitting in this office for a FULL month. but realisitically speaking, because of leave and public holidays, ive actually been here for 1.5months. though some might say for 1.5 months 1161 is considered LITTLE. but den if u consider that ive only worked here 1 FULL month, and im supposed to be paid 1000 a month.. its a good deal for me =P

$_$

breathe.

breathe.

breathe and do nothing. breathe and wait. countdown... 3 weeks.

1 more month's magazine.

Finish Ace and Ray.

And then leave.

Leave knowing you regret nothing.

Leave knowing you've tried your hardest.

And leave knowing she'll never understand.

nothing i do is right. thank goodness Love's always there to make me feel better ^^

its strange how 3 words can make me happy for so long. even thinking about it now makes me tingly and happy inside.

i guess in a way because you dont expect it from someone like him, so when it does happen, it makes you feel good inside. it was really unexpected.. especially from him. it's those things you'll normally say (for some), that you'll feel there is no significance in it. but ive grown away from those things. until when suddenly something like that pops up, from him no less, you cant help but feel super happy.

and no for those who are wondering, those 3 words arent "i love you".

strange, but the one comment written on my blog made me post this. yes strange.

ever heard of the saying you dont miss it until its gone? heard of uncertainties you'll never understand, secrets you can never bear to tell anyone.

afraid of what someone might see you as, afraid they'll treat you differently?

i thought i changed. maybe i did. i used to be worried about how others saw me that i failed to see who i was. but now im starting to wonder if a self-fulfilling prophecy is coming true. someone once told me he saw himself in me, a smaller younger version.

i wanted to believe it then. because he was my friend. but now truth be told im afraid of turning into him. because he hurt me more than almost anyone could. and although i dont cry for him, nor do i yearn for him anymore, i do not want to turn into whoever he is.

but there are symptoms i cannot deny. ive neglected my family. somewhat i've neglected a few of my friends. ive hidden things from the world. and now most importantly, i have no inclination to make anything right.

perhaps its just my feelings thats affecting me. maybe ive really changed. only time will tell. in a certain extent i like who i am. but in another direction, i hate it. i like it because i care less about what others think of me, that i can see who i am by myself.

if you really knew me, you'd know 3 things about me.

1. i never say no to a challenge.
2. i protect my friends.
3. i never give up.

all that, when i think about it now, is more or less a facade. maybe its because i do to others what i hope they'll one day do for me. i stay strong and i try to lead, only because i dont want to. if im considered leader quality, it was because i was made one. but deep down inside i'd prefer nothing more than to have someone steer the way for me.

to have someone tell me exactly what to do, and where to go.

a rose for a day that everyone says
a star for a moment to come
a heart for a memory that wont go away
a dream for the future yet to become

a hug for the friends far far away
a goodbye to those who have yet to go
a smile for the the ones who chose to stay
a kiss for the one who knows


something a friend wrote in her blog (Okay it was a comment) struck me as strange.

friendship seems to be a very interesting word. everyone has different groups of friends, some more some less.

in my life i guess you can say i have a.. considerable amount of friends.

xiu, phy, san - my poly friends who have stuck with me at the worst points of my life. who we've seen happy, sad, stressed, crazy and almost any other emotion. we've gotten backstabbed together, spread gossips among each other, and been there (at least i think we have) for each other.

i dont deny that at times we might have seemed like horrible friends. i remember in year 1 when we were arguing about groupmates. the whole phy+shen, me+jan thing. until now i feel really guilty that i didnt notice what we were doing to xiu subconsciously.

but im glad that after everything, our group dynamics changed so much. but maybe i prefer it this way. i didnt pick the wrong friends to make in poly :)

aloy, ruth, sophia, joy, joseph, windi, kaifon, szeyuan, bernice - at some point we all got thrashed together, panicked together, and it became amazing how we still survived it all. right now as im typing this you're having your AGM, and im really sorry i couldnt be there. but the club will go on. even if not physically. in spirit it's made a great impact on me. and i can only hope that i fulfilled my duties when i was still in the committee.

kristy - the longest friend i've ever had. since sec 1. (okay we didnt talk in sec 2 BUT HEY I KNEW SHE EXISTED!!!) she's really the only one i can say that knows everything about me. and although we dont meet often i know she'll always be there for me. we've gone through too much la.

terrance, jasper, vincent, rayyen, calvin, shiyan, kenneth - the only ones i feel i can share anything with. i'd say without a doubt that this year has been the worst year of my life (2008). but its in this year that i met all of them. one broke my heart, but 6 managed to mend it. even now it doesnt matter what the real reason is. i really dont care anymore. especially calvin and shiyan, who have been there since april, i owe you two a lot. its strange how we're so close YET in fact we've never met. strange how i feel like i already know you so well. vince and ray, you two surprisingly know me well enough. even though i say nothing, somehow you two can tell im hurt. somehow you knew what to say. and for that thank you. you pulled me through the ending half of the year.

Liting - this girl, somehow intrigues me. even though i only know her for such a short while, i chose to trust her. and i never regretted it.

and of course,

Matt - there's just too much to say. i guess i tried everything. i tried loving him, tried hating him. just to make myself better. NOTE: DIDNT WORK. there's just something about matt that no one else can seem to have. it's not a physical presence, or his way of speaking. something about him just makes me trust him. it's his character, something about him.



what's my path now? i dont know. writing this just reminds me how many friends i really have. and ive realised that i make friends based on 1 criteria. the The most important to me. Trust. it's not the physical trust that you know they wouldnt betray your secrets. its beyond that. its knowing that at anytime, you can trust them to stand by you. ive told many this, that despite how much anyone hurts me, how much my heart can ache, and although i fight with so many people on so many occasions, if anyone of the above call me for help, i'd go in a heartbeat. it doesnt matter where or when or even what. it doesnt matter if they were wrong. as long as they need my support, i'd be there. no questions asked. im the kind of person that tries my best to protect my friends, even if it hurts me its okay.

my mum used to ask me "who would protect you if you needed it?" i never gave her an answer. not because i dont expect anyone to do it for me. i dont want anyone to suffer on my account.

its strange how friendships can create such a strong bond that goes beyond explanation. and strangely, how they started out. all of them started out for stupid reasons.

xiu phy - wanted to run away frm meiling so we just kinda grouped ourselves to be away from her

san - ly's group politics

kristy - we were the only 2 from the same class that went into sec 3 together.

online friends needless to say, meet online as a reason is stupid enough haha.

but strangely, these group of friends made me feel at home. they made me feel like someone.


so to all my good friends out there, for those who have seen me at the worst possible moments, thank you. for always being there.

*and on a side note my mum says i dont have many friends. == looking at the list i'd say i dont have too many, but i have enough. and anyway, i'd rather 5 close friends i can look for, than 50 that i dont know who i can trust. to me, those aren't friends. they're just acquaintences.

oh and btw i WATCHED PONYO PONYO! its not that bad really. but kinda like a little mermaid thing. though i prefer ponyo. at least ponyo's cute. like she does these little cute things that kids would do.

i still prefer twilight xD hahaha

work's starting to cool down. maybe because ive gotten used to it. wont say that i like the job or not: to me its just work. nothing more nothing less.

i feel like something's missing. but hey its friday! FRIDAY FINALLY! == i can sleep late tonight and not worry about waking up tomorrow YAY~!!!!

still got to buy CNY clothes.. i'll prob do it online =(

oh yes as a side note, i watched a lot of movies the past week. here's my take on them.

7 pounds: not bad for a will smith show. unexpected ending, kinda touching. considerably quite worth watching.

lady cop and papa crook: ehh.. no comments about this one. plot's on an OKOK basis, but KIINNNDA lame.

transporter 3: very good. loved the show.

ponyo ponyo: song irritated me too much to actually watch the show. ==

bedtime stories: innovative, creative idea. but sadly not imposed well enough. nice theory, but lame storyline. if it was based on a more serious tone, it would have been better.

twilight: personally i loved twilight. maybe its the vampire thing that i have a soft spot for. so far i havent hated a vampy show. loved this show A LOT. really good plot, not bad actors. but i seriously loved the show. it gave me inspiration to finish my two stories, Angels and Blood Tears.

IP MAN: and no its not pronounced I.P. Man, and its not short for internet protocol man (though that'll be a cool title for a hacking movie). nice show. a little biased towards the japanese end, but accurate otherwise. loved it. a lot.

BOLT: cute show. bolt seriously cute. xiu u would LOVE bolt. 100%. plot's not too bad too. really funny.


and can u believe, i watched all these in 2 weeks with 1 person LOL. amazing isnt it. my favs so far were ipman and twilight. ^^

okok IM BLOGGING! some stuff happened to me recently. i shant go into details but its really frustrating.

ok on 2nd thoughts i will go into detail.

ive been working for about 2 weeks, see. its quite hectic cos i have to write a lot of articles. especially since the editor himself isnt around, im rushing to write most of the februrary issue. and its quite a lot. and because im so engrossed in writing, i dont notice my phone. now is that unnatural? no.

but my parents tend to sms me, and upon not replying, they spam sms. example: my mum smsed me 5 times, the EXACT same message. and my dad msges me like this.

1. coming home for dinner?
2. coming home for dinner? (2nd sms)

and so on. it really pisses me off. like seriously. when im at home and not working they ask me to go out more, to spend more time on related things. now that im working they're complaining low pay, complaining that i dont reply sms. and recently ive been going out more often. yes i admit ive been coming home later den usual. but since im working and have no time to go out, isnt it at least justified that i stay out later when i can? apparently NOT.

NEVERMIND.

what got me really pissed off was a combination of all these things. im trying to be independent, to survive on my own, but they just wont let me. strangely enough i dont feel trapped, i dont feel like im stuck. maybe its meant to be this way. this tangle. or maybe my rebellious stage came late in my life.

i dont know.

im doing everything i can to make them happy, but they keep changing their minds. and they decide to pick on little things. like what i wear to work. when the company doesnt give a damn as long as im not going for any meetings.

look im turning 21 this year. i believe that's old enough.

~

away from the parent issue, work's been fine. cant go into detail, clauses and all that. but im getting used to the workload.

i miss being online. but for now its still okay. hanging out with good friends after work makes it justified.

though im tired, and really sick of all the shit im swimming in. its making me feel less and less again. but at least, it's during work. i dont have to feel anything.

~

there's so many things i want to say. but not now. not here.

thanks to all who have spammed my blog. yeah new year NEW YEAR!

rather than resolutions, lets remember the good things about 2008

1. Xiu's baby birth! remember how panicky we all were.. phy and i even wanted to bring fruits down but her mum wouldnt let us!

2. Xiu's wedding. fretting over the gift, FORGETTING TO BRING THE GIFT (this was phy's xD)

3. graudation. our graduation was at least the four of us. the last school event we went to together. taking pictures of us in our gowns. loved that day.

4. internship. talking about all the stupid things we did during our internship, planning on our own futures.

5. san's bday. she was so shockd she din realise we meant to pay for her!

6. phy's bday. haha it was fun playing charades! *airport runway indeed...*

7. going over to see yuka. loved every moment of it in kanazawa.

8. meeting matt. turned out he was a good friend, even after everything we managed to stay friends. (if u ever read this matt, im sorry i quarrelled with you so often xD)

9. meeting great buddies like calvin, suyi and shiyan. great friends. im not one bit sorry i met you. though yeah i may never meet you haha.

10. meeting new friends. vince, ray, terrance, bibi, ginu (sorry ppl i dunno ur real name cannot blame poor hino), dave, jaz, ivan, and a lot more! in some ways they all helped. Love xXEmoXx. ^^

11. Dating Jaz and Matt. Ok persay i dont think i regretted any of it. even if yeah it hurts. or it hurt then. it doesnt hurt anymore. they made me a stronger person ^^

12. my sis and i kinda bonded this year. kinda. it was like proving that we both grew up. i think before this i kept thinking of her as my baby sis. OI RUIYI IF U READ THIS WE NEED TO GO OUT!!!! LA!!! I TREAT U DINNER WHEN I GET MY PAY!

13. alone times. funny enough i enjoyed my alone times.

14. ANCT. as much as i miss them, as much as it was tiring. i miss every one of them. god only knows how much i miss SP and SEC right now. ^^ dont give up guys~ FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!


there are a lot more i love about this year.. but right now i dont really remember all of them! thanks to my real life friends who were there for me when i called. thanks to my maple buds who stayed with me no matter how much of a jerk i was.

and most importantly thanks to my family, for always standing by me.

2008 is dedicated to all those memories of us. cherish it! and lets build new ones for 2009!!!

added a song to my blog. reflects my moood woo~ (note that the woo is for sentence purposes im not really going woo)

thanks to phy for spamming my tagboard (yes i agree they need a longer word limit). i'll try to blog as much as i can.

office is same as always. sleepy. boss not around. sleepy. yes very sleepy. extremely sleepy.

im halfway through all the articles. trying my best to finish as fast as possible.

kk back to work! lunch break over xD

Have you ever been surrounded by so many, and yet you feel strangely alone? Imagine looking around you, all your closest friends in the same room, and yet strangely enough, it is you that doesn't seem to belong? They may smile at me, laugh with me, but all I see now, are faceless expressions staring back at me.

Don't mistake me, it's not loneliness. It's something more profound that no one word can truly explain this feeling. Thinking closely, it's the absence of feeling. Those who know me well enough should know what I have done, what I'm capable of doing. I don't deny this.

I've changed. Maybe so much I myself am confused. Many a time recently I look into the mirror and I no longer know the girl staring back at me. She's a stranger: she belongs nowhere. My spirit's gone. The fighting spirit has vanished. In the past, I was known for never giving up, fighting to the end. That spirit has disappeared.

I don't know what changed me so much, even I can no longer recognise myself. I sit alone in my room many times, trying to figure out what changed me, and whether I wanted it this way. It's still a double-edged sword: I no longer care how my enemies or even strangers see me. But it also scares me. I know that I've been neglecting my friends, or at the very least I haven't been myself lately. And I know if this goes on, I'm going to lose them. But strangely, it doesn't scare me.

Please dont misunderstand me: I'm not saying that you mean nothing to me. More than anything you've all stood by my side when I needed help the most. You've been by my side probably more than I've ever been there for any of you. It's not that I dont treasure the friendship I have with any of you: you should know how much friends are worth in my eyes.

But that's exactly the problem. Why doesn't it scare me? Why am i not afraid of losing any of you? Or... why doesn't it matter anymore? Even asking myself to think about it now... I see a void. I see emptiness. Nothingness.

I don't know who or what changed me. And to be honest, I don't know if i want to go back to being that weakling I used to be. I'm stronger now, I know it. But is it really worth the sacrifices I will have to make to stay this way?

I thank all of you for always being there, for always listening to me despite everything I've done. To tell you the truth, something got me crying the other day. Sandy got us each a card, and on mine she wrote "I know you've been having a hard year this year." Strangely that sentence struck me the hardest. I guess in a sense, this year was probably one of the hardest years in my life. I've gotten hurt so many times, and in the process I've hurt so many people.

It's finally happened. My heart's been shattered so many times that it's locked itself up. I feel nothing. I don't feel pain, and I don't feel happiness. It's just empty. And strangely, it's okay.

I know now I wasn't made strong. I wasn't made who I am today. It wasn't me. It's my surroundings. But I don't blame anyone for who I am today. I don't even know if I'm happier this way. I know I can only blame myself. I got myself into this situation. I made myself suffer.

Someone once told me, my eyes no longer shine. My mum attributes it to my staring at the computer too long. How true, I don't know.

But now my only question remains: who am I now? and is it better this way? Is this my way of growing up?

I don't know.

The girl in the mirror is no longer the girl I used to be.

A friend (?) once told me, he saw himself in me, when he was my age. At that time, I didn't know what to say. But I realise, I may be slowly falling into his shadow. And it scares me. And i don't even know why..

omg i stole this frm my fren's blog. ITS FUNNY!

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters :
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters :
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters :
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters :
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters :
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters :
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters :
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters :
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters :
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters :
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters :
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters :
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters :
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters :
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And now.. for the grand finale of cool anagrams...

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters :
WOMAN HITLER

OMG LA!

It’s been too long since I last blogged. But I’m doing it now because I got a very important issue (and its bugging me a little).

I’m now working as the assistant editor of WaWa magazine, and I was doing research on a worldwide charity organisation to use for an article. BUT THEN I CANT FIND ANY ORGANISATION THAT ISN’T CHRISTIAN!

It’s really sad, because I saw a few organisations that really moved me. They were the kind of organisations that I think I WOULD HAVE considered joining… for example. Sponsoring a kid. It sounded like something LY said she did. I was quite intrigued.

If I had the cash, it was something I wouldn’t mind joining. It’s like a homestay thing to me anyway. BUT THEN, I realised the money was to be used so the kids can go to school, enough to eat, and… hear the word of God. I’m sorry but I just don’t think that I can consider funding something for a child, when I don’t believe in doing it myself.

But it’s not the only one. Most organisations are religious in essence. Helping people to spread the word of their God seems like what I see now. And I’m just not feeling it. This isn’t the way it should be.

It’s just my personal opinion, but it feels odd to me. Amazing, but odd. I really don’t understand it. But I know that I will not join any religious charitable organisation!!!! WOOTS~!

i havent blogged for a long time. actually i havent shown my online presence in a while now. been doing some thinking on my own. catching up with old friends.

met sharon and jes that day. after so long meeting those mediacorp kuku-heads was fun. hahaha.

i miss phy and san the most, met xiu for madagascar2, not that bad. first time she was out w/o azalea (yay i got it right!). she was kinda panicky, but it was fineee.

got a new HP, Nokia 6600 fold. its pretty~

met matt recently too for dinner.

quarrelled with parents.

but life goes on. as much as it sucks. lol.

oh and btw, im really disgusted by some people's behavior right now. at the same time, i've found a good friend in rayyen and vincent. sometimes it takes pain to make you realise what you had all along.

no i havent gotten over it. im barely surviving as it is.

but i know.. it hurts now. its meant to. one day i'll be okay. i hope.

i only know, i will not sink to the lvl of certain people.

no more miss nice hino.

thats got to end.

hmm. i dont know what to say. i used to be afraid of writing here because i dont know who reads it. maybe thats' the reason i dont blog here anymore.

im trying not to think at all but its not easy for some reason i woke up at 7.30 (despite sleeping at 2.30) and i cant go back to bed.

o well.

the worst has happened. i expected it to. okay its not worst, persay. but its horrible.

but for now there's nothing i can do.

just wondering in my brain and pretending that it means nothing to me.

what's exactly happening, im not sure either. i just know.. its beginning to hurt all over again. its getting better. im coping well. but. its not.

not yet.

something's still pestering me at the back of my head.

i dont want to forget it.

notice that im blogging lesser nowadays. i know that too. but ive lost the motivation to blog altogether. starting to feel that maybe keeping it to myself is much better.

but im going to continue writing, even though i really feel that i have nothing more to say.

miss the girls. cant wait to see you guys again.

im feeling really depressed lately.

and insecure.

until i no longer know what im going to do.

i cant handle this.

i cant accept it.

i cant move on.

and worse of all...

i cant let go.

time has flown by. im feeling lower and lower. i dont know if i can ever pick myself up again this time.

maybe one day time will change my decision. maybe soon, maybe never. i dont know. but i do know i will stand by him no matter what. even if everyone argues in my favor, i'll stand by him. even if not for my feelings, just because he was always there for me. thats enough.

today was phyphy's birthday bash. was fun, really~

we played games, talked about random stuff, and more or less saw her closest friends in the same room.

but something was eating me away.

something was missing.

phyllis and shawn

sandy and fitri

xiuzhi and michael

me.


something was seriously missing. and today it was more obvious than it ever could be. it wasnt just the missing of a presence. he seemed to be missing today. and i miss him.

i'm not crying anymore. havent for the past few days. but today i cried. twice. both when i was alone. i didnt want to ruin anyone's party. i didnt want to make anyone see me cry. but the 1 hr i was alone today, i cried.

the past few days i tried not to cry, to keep myself alive and keep myself strong. but it hurts so much more, bottling it all up inside, crying inside to myself.

it hurts so much more... and this time i dont have you to confide in anymore.

someone once told me. the road will become straight when i reach it. but what happens when ive crossed that road, and all that's left is.. a cliff. i can choose to step back and stop, or jump, and not know if i'll fall or fly.

i dont want you to ever read these.

i dont want you to know.

this is my pain.

its my sacrifice.

this is my own problem to fix.

until today, a day hasnt gone by that i havent cried about it. yes it still hurts. maybe now more than ever. but he can never know.

maybe somewhere in the future i will stop crying, someday i will move on. but for now, maybe i dont want to? im not sure either...

its over.

but its okay.

we're friends.

that's how it's meant to be.


no matter how much it hurts me to say it now. i loved you. and i always will, but now as a friend, maybe a brotherly figure. but that's all you said we could ever be.


in the past, ive seen blood of others. the blood splashed on my hands i knew wasnt my own. but this time, i know its my own.

i seem to be blogging a lot recently. =D things have turned out for the better i guess. =D i think im just being too paranoid. =D i should really stop thinking so much. ^^ hehe.

cant wait to see all 4 girls at the SAME TIME! WE STILL HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT!!!! i dont think xiu can go swimming with baby around on thurs, right?

i MISS CHALET. <<< VERY BIG HINT. I. MISS. CHALET.

okay yes im being totally random.

Chalet.

anyway, time for me to go to bed.

Chalet.

Im getting really tired.

Chalet.

omg it's already 4.30am. Time to go to bed!

Oh and did i mention? I WANT CHALET!

HAHAHA!

haii..problems are starting to arise in every part of my life right now. im just glad that i have good frens to tide it with me, and a bf to hold me if i should fall.

i hate today.

i hate today.

i hate today.

today is officially the worst day of my life.


my parents are trying to get me to let go of one of the only thing that keeps me in touch with the people that have made my life better. they dont understand how these people have pulled me through everything: how these people amidst everyone else have stood by me, and how ultimately one of these people became the most important person in my life.

its not the game that matters to me, not the leveling or the point of the game. for me its just being there talking to the people i love, the people who've always been there for me. the people who've, when i needed help, showed no hesitancy to help me. in the game ive met great friends, and in some ways, how is it different from IRC or MSN or even FRIENDSTER? its just another way of mingling, no?

if quitting meant that i'd never talk to them again, never see them again, then no i will never quit. they mean too much to me. though yes i'd admit the game hurt me in more ways that i'm willing to say, but the game also gave me some really good friends, and the game taught me a lot.

but no, my parents dont understand that. they dont see anything in anyway i say. even something that they could call a small thing,they can end up blowing their top at me for crying (and i cried in frustration of not being understood, being wrongly accused).

now they're saying they would let me travel across the world. but somewhere in my mind it's telling me they'll do anything to get me away from it.

i wont say that they dont understand. i'd admit i hid plenty from them. but not because i want to, or tried to. it just happened that way.

life sucks right about now. nothing's going right. everything that needs to go wrong has gone wrong.

there are plenty of things i love about this month. my time with jasper, with the girls and all.but at the same time, i will never forget this month for a few reasons: i've lost a good friend, two maybe, gained 2 old friends back, found a loving boyfriend, and for the first time in so long, pissed myself off.

october... supposed to be a happy month for me, isnt it? well... not anymore.

i hate it.

i hate the feeling of non-existance.

i hate feeling as though i mean nothing to no one.

i hate feeling that i dont exist.

had a good day with jaz last night.. hanging out w him and ivan talking about crap. was fun. though i spent like 2 hours sleeping near his house...

phy's bday is coming up soon... (Thanks phy btw for the card. i just opened it) wonder how it'll be like.. never been to a 21st bday bashy before~!

sandy's obviously still busy, havent heard from her at all...

xiuxiu... well.. hehe. i've talked to xiu on the phone for a while few days back. azealea's growing preeeeety fast. =D

heyhey~ birthday post! yes i realise im 1 day late... BUT STILL~~~

first of all thanks to all those who sms-ed me:
1. Tezuka-kun aka Aloy
2. Szeyuan
3. Alfin
4. Jasper dear
5. Limin
6. Xiuxiu (she wanted to be the last lol)

Thanks also to all who wished me online (m putting nicknames cos they dun wanna let me post their real names):
1. Vile
2. Penguin
3. Ace
4. Sza
5. Happyhead
*a lot more but i really dont remember T_T*


Also special thanks to shiko~ =D

im sorry to all those who's names i didnt add in, but my HP is kinda screwed up so i might not have gotten your sms~ for those who did send me but i didnt reply, THANKS A LOT~~ love you guys~


well the day before my parents brought me out for dinner... really small family deal but quite fun in its own way. me and my sis ate a lot of funny (and a little disgusting) things... just spending some time with the family makes it a lot more fun bah~

after that i spent my birthday evening with jasper. after his army. =D was fun. caught a movie, went kbox. had dinner. really great time. so even though my eyeballs are now red (for a reason i dont understand)... i loved my bday. =D **no pics tho~**

Sorry people~ havent been posting much. Been spending some time with Jaz. ^^ life so far for me is good. Not great, not 100% perfect, but it's picking up.

Just glad i got to meet phy and xiu the other day. Sandy, cant wait to see you. Get well soon so we can meet.

**dating an army boy is hard work T_T, but at least its a 9-5 so its not that bad hehe**

we've given each other enough chances. maybe even one too many.

i thought last night settled it all. i thought i could face tomorrow bravely, looking forward and moving on.

i went back to all those places, the place you once promised me you would never let me get hurt, the place you swore to protect me. ironically now im back here, after it all, swearing on this exact same place that im going to give it all up this time.

i gave you everything i could, i put in everything i had. i can say i've tried my best time and again, admist all the pain and suffering. i can say that when none supported me, i refused to listen, until i began to fear telling them anything. i can say that i've given myself enough chances.

ive changed, that may be true. but now i think i understand. i changed because of you. before i met you all these never happened to me. i dont blame you, i kind of like the way this has changed me. i've always guessed that you were given into my life for a reason. but maybe i was just wrong about which reason it was.

im sorry all i have done isnt enough. im sorry for all the trouble ive caused. but ive decided, this time, for real, im going to move on. nothing you can say can change my mind, ive hurt myself enough this time. last night i spent the night crying, talking to the one person who would still listen to me and tell me its okay. last night i spent the night thinking if i could have done anything differently.

but i think now, even if i could, i dont want to. not anymore.

my lips are no longer yours to kiss
my hands are no longer yours to hold
my hugs are no longer yours to keep
and my heart is no longer yours to take.

you've made me afraid to love. you've made me fear everything there is about love. in the past i can say i'd put 100% into any relationship i would have thought was worthwhile, but no more. i cant say that anymore. im too afraid. im too afraid to even say yes to someone that truly loves me.

but even after all that, i dont blame you. i never blamed you. not once. i still protected you, i still did everything i could for you. and now i know that was never enough. in your eyes it would never be enough.

its enough for me. i've cried for you for the last time. i dont want to hear what you've got to say. i dont want it to make a difference. i dont want to hope for anything more. because if what you say is true, there can be nothing more, and nothing i say is going to change that. i'll stay by your side as i always have, as your friend. but nothing more. we drew the line very closely yesterday, today you nearly went over the line again. but im more careful now. because if i do anything wrong, im not only hurting you and me, but im hurting the one person who was willing to stand by me, the one person i made a promise to last night.

thank you.

i havent posted in a while.. haha been really busy. but if u asked me doing what, i dont really know.

jap results are out. i didnt do too badly... but now the question remains whether im gg to continue taking it or not... i'll have to talk to phyphy about it.. if she decides not to do the 2nd module... i dont know if i'll continue doing it alone...

life is like a roller coaster right about now... going up and down and not knowing what to do or where to go. it's become an endless game that i dont want to play anymore.

maple's become a recluse for me.

cant wait for sandy to come back~ xiu's baby (sorry i keep having typos in her name) is going to be one month old soon!!!! i dont think we'd be going to the party (too much family and relatives around)... so we'll just see xiu and baby when she dares to bring her out~~~ kya~!

all my friends seem to be coming back suddenly. its made me happy ^^ happy person.

shiko if ur reading this i really miss talking to you. ive seen spitz online more than ive talked to you, and that's saying smth~~!!! hehes. catch up some time k~

it's been a while since ive posted something here.

xiu and her baby azealea have gone home, resting at home (i was going to say resting in peace but i realised that sounds a little... dead. but when i wrote it i was intending it to mean without the "squabbles of other ppl" and "other babies crying". dont mind me)

phy and i are almost done with our jap course, i quit working with my dad.

ive been spending more and more time on maple... maybe because ive met a few really great people there.

i dont know what part of my life has become real and which isnt anymore. some part of me seems to be living in a fairytale, yet it's one of those twisted ones where everything seems to go wrong.

maybe my mind is playing tricks on me, but ive decided im not going to fall for it again. i'll trust my friends, because all this while, when no one was there to see my pain, they were they to tell me it'll be okay... and while some of my friends only see the smile on my face, only those special few have been around to see the tears, and to tell me it'll be okay.

because of them i grew up, growing to let it go and forget about it, and even whatever that's happening right now, to move on and accept whatever i can get. it may bring back lovely memories of the past, but now thats not enough to make me anything i am not anymore.

im glad that my life has grown to change for the better, and maybe it will look up again soon. until then, if this is all i have, then this is all i need.

i love you guys, even if on the surface i never said it, and argued endlessly with all of you. yes jaz, even you. ^^

another update:

baby will be out in 45 minutes. WORLD MEET AZEALEA!

update on xiu:

heard from her brother, right now at 3.51am she hasnt given birth yet. apparently she's not dilated enough, so they're going to go do a C-section, and if all goes well little azealea will be born on the 29th of july, at around 6am!!! ^^ cant wait to see little azealea for the first time.

we're all eagerly waiting the birth of little baby girl~

http://6shikochan9.wordpress.com/

shiko i know you'll be back to read this. your last post really got to me. really. i sat there thinking how things have changed, how so many things are different now. from our first GPQ, to our first balrog. all those firsts. things then were much simpler, and it was so much fun having all you guys around.

now that you and spitz have gone, things have changed so much. ive made some new friends, i've lost some old friends. but most importantly ive gained a lot, and lost some.

looking at that pic, the screenshot you took on the wallpaper of that blog, reminded me how spastic i was.. haha i was smiling like an idiot in that shot. =x oh well. it was fun while it lasted.

i've left a lot of things i didnt tell you... a lot of things i want to, but ive been hiding from MSN so as not to face any of you.. but i think one day i'll tell you. till then... missing you loads~ love xhinokix

p.s. shiko, spitz, degree. you three will always be my number 1 team. no matter what happens. you guys were the best friends i could ever make on maple, and no matter what has changed, this remains the same. thank you, 3 of you.

i guess for sandy's sake i'll blog a detailed one. ^^ since poor sandy is out and knows nothing.


at noon i got a message from xiuzhi. same one that she sent to phyllis. she told me she was on the way to the hospital, to get checked.

i tried replying her but she couldnt turn on her phone, thus couldnt reply me. so i smsed phyllis and sandy to inform them, and kept my phone beside me.

at 3pm xiu called me, told me that she was in the ward, awaiting. she sounded a little scared i guess, not too much. just a little softer than usual. i think she was probably nervous. it started getting me thinking that you know...this was really happening.

she called again later, to tell me that they just broke her waterbag. she even said it wasnt like she was told that they would, but they just did it, somewhat that she wasnt given much of her choice. each time i was lost for words, i really didnt know what to say. i just kept telling her she'd be fine and that she'll be okay, and to take care.

i got a message later on, regarding opening hours and time of birth. phyllis and i i think both imagined wiating those agonising hours outside the suite, waiting for birth. but i guess this was a little too... extreme if we were really to go down.

now typing this i think little azealea has just seen and breathed her first moment by now... wonder when the birthday is.. hmm.. ^^ must remember to ask xiu tmr.

i'm taking half a day tmr to go see her and azealea. i dont think she expects us tomorrow morning, probably she thinks i'll be over after my work~

phy and i are going to bring some kind of makeshift basket of fruits over. lol. sandy, hang in there pics will be up soon! ^^

its really surreal, that this is finally happening. ive been jumpy all day. its like we're not the ones that are involved, and yet we feel for them.

cant wait for tomorrow~

manipulative. liar. not trustworthy.

these are the words that have been used to describe me lately. i've really thought abt all these to myself, because its what a good friend told me.

he told me all these, and said he couldnt trust me. that he regretted ever meeting me. he knows everything about me, from what i did to nick, and beyond. i dont want to see myself as a liar, or a manipulative person, and i've decided that from that day i'd change. this isnt the person who i want to be.

as much as not trustworthy, i think thats a combination of fear to trust me, thinking that the information i find out will someday be used against him. well, i wont. anyone who's my friend knows how i treat my friends, and how i treasure a friendship, and i dont want to lose it. they know how hard i'll work, the ends i'll go to for a friendship.

i understand if u cant believe me or trust me because i've lied to you. i'm willing to prove you wrong, just like i said i would. i'll earn your trust again, even if it takes me a while to get it right.

i confess i appreciate the truth: you're maybe the only one who would tell me this, so i can believe you.

it hurts not to be trusted, knowing that they think im plotting something against it. ive spent so long and worked so hard trying to keep myself from ruining the friendship. i've always told everyone else who warned me, everyone else who told me the truth that i was blinded to see, that i stood on your side. it didnt matter to me whether you were right or wrong. i'm your friend and i'll fight for you. i'll protect you. that's my definition of a friend.

i know maybe he's afraid to trust me again, afraid that i might use the information against him. he says he regrets ever meeting me. it hurts. it fucking hurts a lot knowing that.

but there's nthing i can do. i deserved this. even if my lies were for the better good, for him not to feel guilty or for him not to feel the pain that i felt, because i didnt want him to know about my thoughts. i didnt want to burden him with any of it. and because of that, i've now lost his trust.

it might take some time, but when im done, you'll see. you all will see. im not the manipulative person, the liar you think i am. i'm much more than that. its not my style. i wasnt born like this. and as long as i wasnt born, i can reverse it.

so watch me.

watch me change for the better.

this was what you were put in my life for. this was the reason, the meaning of your existance in my life. if my chance to learn this lesson was to lose a good friendship, then the sacrifice is too big. give me another chance, give me the friend i used to have. the one that trusted me wholeheartedly, the one that would look to me for advice.

that's the friend i want back. and i'll prove to you that you can trust me again. just give me that chance.

yeah im back from long term (ok not THAT long) hiatus. =x hehehe.

im really tired these few days, what with work and all...

but life's starting to uplift itself. ^^ we'll see.

you know what i hate most?

yes you probably do. anyone who knows me well would know i hate two-faced lying bastards the most. you know, those who, on one end tell you one thing, something you might want to hear, and on the other end, they tell your friends something else.

we've all met someone like this in our lives, we've all seen someone or heard someone do this before: it shouldnt be strange. but when that someone is someone who knows nothing about you, someone who's not in your life in the least, you cant help but find it strange.

well that's just what happened to me. someone who wished me the best in life, in truth wishes i fail.

oh well.

he's screwed.

~~~

am i really blinded?
are there things i've yet to see
is this how it's meant to be
these things happening to me

hahahahaha i really missed my BTT today. funny story really its not so much i REALLLY forgot i had my BTT. i knew it was today like last night. so i studied until 2-3am, knowing full well i had to wake up at 6+am for my mock test.

coincidentally i forgot how to get there, so i skipped my mock test to do a little last minute studying.. GREAT right? i was sitting on my rooftop thinking to myself and studying... and when 10am came (my test was at 11) i totally forgot. i even put an alarm, but it didnt ring. it was only when xiu msged me that i REMEMBERED that my test was that.

as usual i got lost. so i missed my test. -.- yay me. now i have to sign again. that pushes my road legality back by a month or so =(

a song for me.


i found this song very soothing. i never could imagine i would like a song like this. its sung by Ninomiya Kazunari from Arashi. the lyrics are really nice and the music is really good too. i dont know was it the words that struck me or something else. my mind is now clear... i more or less know what im going to do.

虹(Rainbow) by Ninomiya Kazunari

いつもそうよ。
As always.
拗ねるときみは。
You are sulking.
私の大事な物を隠すでしょ。
Hiding the important things to me.
その場所は決まって同じだから。
Because that place is certainly the same,
今日は先に行って待ってみるわ。
I'll go there first today and wait.

季節達が夕日を連れて来て
The seasons bring the evening sun.
影が私をみつけて延びる...。
I found my shadow extending...

ビックリした顔で私をみつめては
With a surprised expression, you saw me.
急に口尖らせプイっと外見るの。
You seemed angry and suddenly looked outside.
ごめんね。と言うと
I said "I'm sorry" and
じゃあこっちに来てよと
"well, come here".
ねぇ、ほら見て見て
Hey, look, look.
影が重なった...。
Our shadows are overlapping...

傘がぶつかり真っ直ぐ歩けない。
Our umbrellas are colliding and I can't walk straightly.
そんな私を見て笑っているの。
Seeing me like that made you laugh.

私もやってみせてあげるの。
I'll do it too and show it to you.
同じ様に口を尖らす...。
The same face when your angry.

優しく笑うきみが
You gently laughing
この時間が空間が
at this time and space.
泣きたくなるくらい
I wanted to cry.
一番大事なものだよ。
Your my most precious one.
わざと尖らせてる...。
I purposely showed an anger face...
私にごめんねの返事を持たずに
Without saying "I'm sorry" to me,
優しくキスしたの...。
you gently kissed me.

これからはちょっとくらいの我が儘
From now on it will be a little selfish.
言ってもいいよ。
It's alright to say.
でも私にだけよ。
But only to me.

面倒くさいからって
Because it's troublesome.
素直じゃないんだから
Because I'm not submissive.
何で言えないのかな？
Why can't I say it?
好きだよ。
I love you.
一言よ？
Just those words.
たまには聞きたいな。
You sometimes want to hear.
今日は私と君が
Today, I'm with you.
名字を重ねた日。
The day we will share the same name.
愛が芽吹いた日。
The day our love blooms.

la... la... la...

虹がキレイだよ。
The rainbow is beautiful.
いや、お前の方が...。
No, you are more beautiful...
テレはじめるきみに
To you who begins to shine,

ありがとう。ありがとう。
Thank you. Thank you.


i just realised my new blog has no song bg whatsoever. im probably going to add this song as my new background music. its soothing and i really like it, even if its not my precious ohno singing. if it were i'd be melting by now. x)

right now im in the office helping my dad type japanese. japanese has really become my outlet now... more and more so.

昨日は、　私　と　ふうゆえ　でんわ　お　はなします。　ちょっと　だけ、　でも　ね。。　しあわせ　ですよ。　二時半、　三時？　わすれた。。　ぜんぶ　も　いま　大丈夫　から。。　私　の　ゆめ、　私　の　未来、　大丈夫　から。。　何時も　何時も　全部　も　しらない。。　ちょっと　むずかしい　ね。。　でも　さ。。　いま　は。。。　してる　よ。　たいせつな　ひと、　ごめなさい。　ぜんぶ　も　あなた　の　ため　に。　

ありがとう、　みんな。　ありがとう、あなた。　いま　私　わすれない、　けど　つよくなる。　あなた　のために　だから。いのち　わ　生きてる。　まって　いた、　私たち　の　日。。　ともだち　も　いい。。　絶対　に。。　はなせない。　

ok i got to go back to work~ hehehee. ^^ PHYPHY REMEMBER STUDY FOR UR TEST!


[[OMG I FORGOT TOMORROW I HAVE MY BASIC THEORY TEST AND I SO HAVE NOT STUDIED!!! DIEEEE!!!!!]]　

really confused about life. guess everything's changed now... only time will tell if its for the better or worse. right now i'll just have to do what i hate doing... grit and bear.

sihua's last day has finally come in a week's time... in a week's time all my friends at mediacorp would have moved on... gordon in aus, me and liting working, sihua back to school, joachim to ns. its hard to imagine since then so many things have happened to me. and although i want to meet them, at the same time i dont want to. i dont know what looking into their faces will do, but i know that my heart will ache. i dont know why, but maybe its just the past memories...

recently ive been thinking about the past a lot... telling myself i could have changed so many things, knowing that i would if i had a chance. me saying i wouldnt now would be lying. i want to change so many things back then. maybe then i wouldnt be me... i would be someone else, someone better?

woots new blog look~~~~~~~ BWAHAHAHA. im still working out the bugs though..

omg im so bored i actually started reading old entries of other ppl's blogs. started out with xiu's cos phy's blog is quite new i think... a few snippets rushed out at me. her blog dates back to 2005... so its about our first year... hard to imagine so many things happened. haha. so im going to dedicate this to our past together.... XIU AND PHY U BETTER READ THIS! ESP YOU TWO!


BY XIU: JingYi's ATTACHED!!!! To? Aiya.... anata la... Hee Desmond san desu Haha Later she'll DEFINITELY come after me when she read this blog entry Anyway I dun care ;P Ne ne ni pu pu Haha Okok... being a bit too childish here Doubt she got any energy la these days, since she has to go and spend time with her Des san hee


LOL la that seems so long ago... i forgot all about these already.. hahaha.



looking at some of the pics still available on her blog made me think back.. when it was really us 5. NUXES version 1. makes me miss shen at some point. i mean despite all that, i dont believe it was her fault.. and the pictures prove it. everytime i look at that photo i cant help but think... why did it happen this way? but hey... life's like that. and because of that, we met sandy! you rock girl~



Before long the sesmester is gonna be over How time flies I'm rather amazed and happy over the strong frenship I had fostered over the months Much faster and stronger than anyone one of us had or can possibly imagine.

There's more to come. I'm sure Just that how the frenship will turn out, there's still much to be done. Building it may be tough but definitely not at tough as maintaining it I feel But irregardless of all odds, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and I'm sure we'll defnitely stick it out Provided we dun have major character changes or misunderstandings Cos things in poly are jsut way too complicated to forsee and comprehend at time Though even if I could, I myself also allow myself to fall prey to it even*Toast* Here's to out frenship gals!

THIS WAS WHEN WE ALL COMPLAINED ABT XIU AND HER LACK OF FULLSTOPS. (i tried putting in a few then i got bored. xD haha) but either way, now it means a lot to me, knowing 3 years down the line we've gotten closer than ever... albiet a few quarrels, a lot of mishaps, each of us shed tears at one point in time, but we're still in it together!



HAHAHA THEN THERE WERE SNIPPETS ABOUT MEILING!!!

Frankly speaking I am very much sick of talking abt her or racking my brains over where to position her in projects and presentations ESPECIALLY presentations!!!!!Her probs:-fond of talking to herself during presentations-saying the wrong things-saying things that are outta pt ( she got a very good technique of making things outta pt!!!!)- LOVES and always try to skive and pass off contributions as 'decent work" ( seriously can't this woman think?How old is she already? 25? Think more than that man!!!! )



haha reading all the posts in the past... her bdays and all that... made me remember what peace we used to have... back in year 1 when we were still good with janice and all... its strange how we've grown this way.. how odd that this has happened like this. after reading it its made me regret, thinking that it could have been possible, remaining 5, or even 6 with sandy. but the truth will set in sooner or later, that its better this way.



And Jing: Yes I cheated -_- you know me la, very curious one. And also you got a good point, dunno if I can bring the letter up to the plane haha. Thanks anyway!


This was... about a letter i wrote to phy before she flew overseas... I TOLD HER TO READ IT ON THE PLANE DAMMIT! hahaha. nevermind i predicted she would cheat. hehe. i think i gave it to her on one of the exams we had?



And I bought a super super nice adidas jacket! It's black with pink lines on the sleeves and a sparkling adidas logo behind. It's a two-layered jacket..the outside one is water-resistant but the inside is cloth and has a nice pattern on it (that someone says looks like oysters).

Phy's first post on her blog. didnt realise it but she's been wearing that since 2006. its become her trademark... the shiny adidas disco ball~ hahaha. i remember when we asked her to spin arnd... just to make her look more disco-bally...



its a real revelation... reading back on the girls' blogs... thinking about the past. i guess THINKING about it doesnt make me remember as much as now.. when i look at the pictures and the memories we used to share. at some point i thought to myself "OMG I WORE THAT!?" it seemed so long ago... almost like another life.



my blog entries never went that far... mine's only about the time NUXES became NUXE.. i think it was because i was so upset with S at that time that i totally blocked that part out of my life and wanted to start anew. now i regret it... maybe if i had those posts it might mean something to me now.



those three years seemed to have passed a long time ago... and phy and xiu were always there since year 1. we've grown closer since we first met. it used to be me and janice, phyllis and shen... and xiuzhi was kinda the one being pushed back and forth (sorry girl for all that... =( ) then shen left... so phy grew closer to us... then sandy came. for a while she seemed a little odd... being new, didnt know much about us... but slowly we grew closer... then came the projects, then janice was kind of expelled i guess... since then its been the 4 of us... through everything, we grew much closer. i remember how i used to hate xiuzhi cutting my sentences, such that in the end i decided not to talk... but now i think we've both gotten used to it. now i cant think of anyone else better to call when i need a listening ear (thanks for being there girl, through desmond, kf, and especially wl). phy, as usual the chirpy one. sandy, the blur one. these two now too busy so i cant call them =( hehehe. oh well.



cant believe that i was so bored to read the past entries, but its set off this fire in me... knowing that somehow, somewhere, amidst all that i care for in SP... even if i lost everything. SP was where i lost my loves, the club, the teachers, the japanese students, the events, everything. but it was in SP that i found 3 good friends, maybe more.



this post goes out to you three girls, who've shared so much with me. we've watched each other cry, we've heard each other laugh. at one point or other, we've hurt each other as well. but more than that, despite all that, all the pain and hatred we once had, it somehow went away. and although i havent seen you girls in so long, it doesnt matter.



i miss those days we used to have.. those chalets and outings. to sentosa, lunch, birthdays, movies even. now more than ever, that scrapbook on my table means so much to me. yes its spastic and its funny, but it means more knowing the effect of each picture. its in pictures that you realise who your friends are... i remember back when they were doing the scrapbook for me, they told me they couldnt find much with janice inside... and i agreed. i guess to that extent she was never really there.



even matt agrees to that point. somehow i feel im being used. at least maybe its just me.



after i blog this i can finally go home. (yes i spent almost half an hr blogging and reading their old entries). when you have time, really go read each other's entries... it really is quite funny. reminiscing together wouldnt be as much fun because by now some of us have forgotten certain details... im kinda tempted to call xiu and talk to her about her entries. haha its so funny.



but more than that... thanks for always being there. i love you girls. ^^

**p.s. i hope i didnt take anything too sensitive... =p if you think it is just tell me i'll get rid of it~**

havent been blogging recently (okay thats not true). part of me is making a new revamped blog. =p it looks nice if i say so myself. as soon as im done w the html i'll upload it. for now its also my desktop wallpaper. HAHAHA!

serlyn's gone to tokyo, matt's just gotten back from fukuoka/osaka... i miss going to japan. there's so many things i want to do there, so many things ive yet to learn and still want to see. mt fuji for one.

ok away from japan... (YES MUST REPLY YONE!)

xiu's about to reach her pinnacle of her journey.. and i cant wait for it~ hahahaha.

one thing that made me really upset recently was my mum. she came to me and told me off for spending more time on my friends than i do to her, neglecting her etc. i was damn pissed that day.. i didnt want to go out because i was sick and i didnt feel like moving. i even told everyone who asked me out that i wasnt free. but nooooooooooo. she had to accuse me of neglecting her, not wanting to be with her than be with my friends. GREAT RIGHT~!

after a lot of tears we kinda settled it. well not really. hai. long story.

my basic theory test is coming soon, jap class starts next week (PHYYYYY DONT FORGET!). suddenly my life seems more... lively LOL.

today was interesting. out of nowhere i bumped into desmond. HAHAHAHAHAHA. it looked like this.


i was walking along with my friend... walking around. suddenly i see this guy who looks oddly familiar... he was staring at me with this agape face... hahaha. finally i realised it really was him. (cos i thought i spotted him a few times before... false alarms)

i walked past, kinda shouted "hihi!! didnt expect to see you here!" hahahaha. in 3 years this is the first time we've really bumped into each other... guess it was kinda odd that we did.

we spent some time smsing (catching up).. joked around a little... kinda said we'll meet to catch up some time.

he's changed quite a bit... more... mature i think. he said i grew taller. im insisting he shrunk. BWAHAHHAHAHAHA!

one by one, i will fulfill my destiny.
one at a time, i'm closer to my dream.
each step i take brings me even closer
to the person i've always wanted to be.

it starts out small, baby steps at a time
motivation, determination, and perserverence
one at a time, a dream unfolds
and im closer to becoming a whole.

~~~

it started out with me taking japanese class, my aim being JLPT 1. it took me a while to get motivation to actually go for real lessons, to take the class and make myself understand... this is really something i want. this is my dream, to go to japan and understand fully... 100% what they are talking about. ive always convinced myself that i could live with it, studying on my own, that i could survive. but i was wrong. i cant. and now ive made that move to become who i really wanted to be.. this is my first move.

now today, ive officially signed up for driving lessons, and if all goes well by december i'd be legal on the road. ive always wanted to drive, i knew that. it had to be a manual... i knew that too. but i never actually thought that i could take up my courage, throw it aside, and take the lessons. but now, filled with a sudden urge only i seem to understand, i know that i must learn it.. i know that i must succeed and i will do it right the first time.

hmms... got to apply for my BTT soon.. hehehehe. ^^ i cant wait honestly!!!

i think ive lost weight again.. woots yay me!

gg out w xiu tmr... xD

went out with xiuzhi today... was quite fun. we spent a lot of time talking, about past relationships, about other people, and we came to the conclusion.... we need more time to catch up!

she's getting rounder and rounder, but its kinda fun. i miss having them around... but i need to get new contacts!!! hahahahahaha!!!! i lost my contacts while on the road... so i spent one day being so... one eyed... =p haha

its over officially. im going to just take it and move on. i guess in a way maybe its come as a relief? i dont know why but i guess we were never meant to be more than just friends. so i've lost a boyfriend, but i found a good friend instead. in my books thats still winning. at least i've found another good friend i can trust my secrets to, someone that will give me advice when i need it, and most importantly someone that can trust me with theirs too.

im starting to think that maybe this was what it was supposed to be. rather than a bf/gf relationship that might turn sour, at least this is a friendship im quite sure will last.

ive been upset and maybe tormented for almost 3 to 4 days... but now that its over.. maybe the tormenting helped. maybe im just happy that its over, so that i dont have to torture myself waiting like the last time.


special thanks to the people who were there for me, even if they had no idea what i wanted to say... all the more.. one very special thanks to a girl... GIRL UR THE BOMB! lols.

im worried about myself. and worried about everything else. i really dont know whats happening to my body, its not that im getting weaker or anything. its just that.. my body is beginning to think that it no longer needs physical necessities to survive. its been a long time since ive eaten a full meal, and i feel no hunger in me. i always threw it aside, thinking that as long as i drank enough water i'll be okay. but for the first time today, i actually puked the water out, and i cant swallow much.

its not voluntary, telling me "try to eat" is not going to help. im trying but if my body is unwilling to accept it i cant do anything about it.

~~

it's not helping that im kinda being forced to work at my dad's place. its not that i dont want to help him, just that 1. its an environment i know nothing, nor enjoy being in. 2. i feel like im being reduced to some secretary. i will probably never tell them that, but i cant take it anymore. 2 days being there has shown me only 1 thing... i hate it. its not the environment... its more like... i guess its just me, totally not enjoying being reduced to a secretary.

~~

back to my worries.. i dont know.. how can u see signs that you're aneroxic?

im worried about him too.. he doesnt show it but im sure he's under a lot of stress.. i hope it blows over soon.. then at least i can help him with it and not just sit here, far away, and watch him suffer.

i know its a weird time and a weird topic... but this is only one plea. im very worried about matt right now... i just hope he's safe... wherever he is. i just hope he's okay...

my mind has been doing knots and crosses all day, but i finally realise what im doing. im being an idiot. im hiding the truth from myself because the truth is something i know i might not accept. im trying not to hurt myself because i know it'll hurt him. im trying to be strong, so he knows i can be there for him.

ive been thinking selfishly recently... all worried about my own feelings, and neglected his feelings. im really sorry. ive told no one this. ive told no one my true feelings. my hidden feelings, sure. but now i realise. its not that i dont love him, not that i can give him up. that's all just a cover for me to say "look if we dont get back together its okay".

truth is... he means more to me than anything else. i know that now. after worrying about his safety, ive come to understand that. i have feelings for him, feelings i will not let go. i wont tell him any of this, not now. but i will wait.

~~

on a worst side, i slammed right into the metal pole on the bus today. i was sitting on one of those side seats (xiu pls take note and dont sit there, actually NO ONE SIT THERE!) now.. i was on the seat that was next to the "exit door"... and there was a woman on the other seat with one seat between us. the pole was next to her leg, which meant it was one chair away from me. i was listening to my mp3 on the way home, when suddenly something happened.

before i could understand it, i had appeared on the middle seat, with a very bad headache and a strange pain in my right shoulder and left ankle/knee area. i then realised the bus uncle broke suddenly, and i slid a seat and crashed headfirst into the metal pole.

my first reaction however, was "thank goodness it was me and not some random pregnant woman". i hesitate to think what would happen. but even now my head, shoulder and knee/ankle aches... but right now im too worried to think about anything else. my pain is insignificant right now. all i want is for him to be safe.

found this on my sis' blog.. dunno why i gg to do it.

1) At what age do you wish to marry?
i dont know. marriage to me seems so far away still. i know i want to in the end. but to me marriage is like a sacred treasure that im just not ready for.

2) Study hard or play hard?
if possible, i'd rather a combination of both. i cant play hard knowing i didnt study, and its not as fun playing if you didnt work your ass off to get here in the first place. so rather than picking one, its more like... "study hard, so you can play even harder".

3) Who is the person you trust the most?
i have a few people i trust the most, one of which is my dearest friend kristy. she's been through everything with me. i also know i can trust matthew, even as a friend. back when we first met, we could tell each other anything, and it was because i trusted him that made me this way.

4) Do you think you have enough confidence?
No. I'm a paranoid person, who's trying to get over my cases of severe-paranoism, if only they didnt always turn out right. So i guess confidence is... relative depending on what you're trying to achieve.

5) If you can have a dream, what would it be?
i stopped having dreams many years ago. dreams to me meant that it wont ever happen. my dreams, no my goals, will come true. dreams are meant to remain dreams, just like myths and legends. if you believe strongly enough, you'll get just where you want to be.

6) Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Yes. After you're sad and emotional, everything always seems a lot better when you put it into perspective. It took me a while to get to this stage, but it's all a part of life. knowing that it hurts you more than anything, and knowing that you're strong enough to move on. my rainbow used to be knowing that they'll get what they deserve in the end, and knowing i'll do it on my own. but now, it's just knowing that i know i could hurt them if i wanted to.

7) What is your goal for this year?
my goal for this year is the same as any other. go through life, and become a stronger person. i dont think im weak now, but i know that unless i grow stronger, i can never be free. i know how this world works, i know my intuition is right. i just need the courage to follow it.

8) Do you believe in eternity love?
Maybe, but i have yet to see it.

9) Have you broken someone's heart that he/she tried to commit suicide?
No, but someone has broken my heart that I tried to commit suicide, almost. Then i realised why give him the pleasure, instead choosing to haunt him and prove that i can live on without him.

1o) What feeling do you love the most?
The feeling of exhiliration and thrill, adrenaline pumping in your veins. The rush of speed and the touch of glory.

11) What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
I can live with almost any kind of guy. Physically or characteristically. My requirements simply means that he learns it on his own. If i tell him my requirements it just makes him try to fulfill it, and i feel no emotion if he does. But if he fulfills it without knowing what it is, then it means something to me.

12) What feeling do you hate the most?
Inferiority. I hate the feeling of knowing im inferior and i'm on the losing end. It just makes me want to fight even harder to prove that even with the absence of physical ranks, its still possible to win.

13) Do you cherish every friendship of yours?
No. I've been used enough to know not to be naive and cherish every friendship. I cherish the ones that mean something to me, the ones that have gone through life and death with me. In short, i cherish the ones that know that if I had to kill them, even if they did nt know the reason, they would know that i have a reason for it, and understand and not blame me. Because these are the friends that i would go through life and death for, and i know that they'll do the same for me.

14) What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
The fact that knowing one day my life will end, and until then i strive to attain everything i can. I will not go down without a fight.

15) Who do you hope to be always there for you?
I dont hope for people to be there for me. I only hope to know who i can trust and who i cant. Many people will be there for you, it's only a matter of whether their advice is true to their intentions.

16) Do you believe in God?
No. I do believe there's someone out there watching over us, but as much as controlling our lives, maybe not so. Our lives are created the moment our names are given and we are born. Because of that, we cant control our lives either. But... I dont believe in a God because i know i have a control over my own life. my decisions make me who i am. as long as i can kill myself when i want to, no one can control my life.

17) Who is your best friend?
Kristy, without a doubt. She's already been there for me for almost 7 years now...

18) Who cares for you the most?
I wish I knew. Maybe im too selfish i dont see what people have put in for me... but i know there are people who care for me out there. People like aloy who watched over me despite everything else, people like matthew who knew what i felt, but only he was a friend enough to tell it to my face. People like Kristy, who was always there for me. People like Xiu, Phy and San... who would give me both their ears and a shoulder if i needed. Not to mention my sis, who apparently has grown up more than i ever thought.

19) Who do you love most?
myself. if you cant love even yourself, then you cant love anyone else.

the path i have to go towards is clear. i now know what i want. after thinking about it for one day straight, i finally know what i intend to do. i thank kristy and shiko, two of whom could listen to me. each time im riding this rollercoaster i feel ups and downs, i feel happiness, then pain. its this never-ending cycle that i never thought i would have to go through again.

but now my head is clear, my mind is set. i know what i intend to do, i know how to move forward. and because of that, i can be strong for you. before this, i didnt know what to think, i didnt know what i was going to do. but now i know.. i know what i must do. like you said, i'll support you, and i'll be strong for you.

i dont know if this road will start again, or if this road will end... but either way... i know how i want it to end. now it's just a matter of fantasy and reality.

i've finally found the motivation to start my exercise regime... eating less now (not that im forcing myself not to eat, just lost my apetite...) and starting my exercise regime.. not easy to maintain, but i'll get it anyway... ive already lost quite a bit of weight =D maintaining it was kinda the problemmm...=x