strange, but the one comment written on my blog made me post this. yes strange.

ever heard of the saying you dont miss it until its gone? heard of uncertainties you'll never understand, secrets you can never bear to tell anyone.

afraid of what someone might see you as, afraid they'll treat you differently?

i thought i changed. maybe i did. i used to be worried about how others saw me that i failed to see who i was. but now im starting to wonder if a self-fulfilling prophecy is coming true. someone once told me he saw himself in me, a smaller younger version.

i wanted to believe it then. because he was my friend. but now truth be told im afraid of turning into him. because he hurt me more than almost anyone could. and although i dont cry for him, nor do i yearn for him anymore, i do not want to turn into whoever he is.

but there are symptoms i cannot deny. ive neglected my family. somewhat i've neglected a few of my friends. ive hidden things from the world. and now most importantly, i have no inclination to make anything right.

perhaps its just my feelings thats affecting me. maybe ive really changed. only time will tell. in a certain extent i like who i am. but in another direction, i hate it. i like it because i care less about what others think of me, that i can see who i am by myself.

if you really knew me, you'd know 3 things about me.

1. i never say no to a challenge.
2. i protect my friends.
3. i never give up.

all that, when i think about it now, is more or less a facade. maybe its because i do to others what i hope they'll one day do for me. i stay strong and i try to lead, only because i dont want to. if im considered leader quality, it was because i was made one. but deep down inside i'd prefer nothing more than to have someone steer the way for me.

to have someone tell me exactly what to do, and where to go.