really confused about life. guess everything's changed now... only time will tell if its for the better or worse. right now i'll just have to do what i hate doing... grit and bear.

sihua's last day has finally come in a week's time... in a week's time all my friends at mediacorp would have moved on... gordon in aus, me and liting working, sihua back to school, joachim to ns. its hard to imagine since then so many things have happened to me. and although i want to meet them, at the same time i dont want to. i dont know what looking into their faces will do, but i know that my heart will ache. i dont know why, but maybe its just the past memories...

recently ive been thinking about the past a lot... telling myself i could have changed so many things, knowing that i would if i had a chance. me saying i wouldnt now would be lying. i want to change so many things back then. maybe then i wouldnt be me... i would be someone else, someone better?

woots new blog look~~~~~~~ BWAHAHAHA. im still working out the bugs though..

omg im so bored i actually started reading old entries of other ppl's blogs. started out with xiu's cos phy's blog is quite new i think... a few snippets rushed out at me. her blog dates back to 2005... so its about our first year... hard to imagine so many things happened. haha. so im going to dedicate this to our past together.... XIU AND PHY U BETTER READ THIS! ESP YOU TWO!


BY XIU: JingYi's ATTACHED!!!! To? Aiya.... anata la... Hee Desmond san desu Haha Later she'll DEFINITELY come after me when she read this blog entry Anyway I dun care ;P Ne ne ni pu pu Haha Okok... being a bit too childish here Doubt she got any energy la these days, since she has to go and spend time with her Des san hee


LOL la that seems so long ago... i forgot all about these already.. hahaha.



looking at some of the pics still available on her blog made me think back.. when it was really us 5. NUXES version 1. makes me miss shen at some point. i mean despite all that, i dont believe it was her fault.. and the pictures prove it. everytime i look at that photo i cant help but think... why did it happen this way? but hey... life's like that. and because of that, we met sandy! you rock girl~



Before long the sesmester is gonna be over How time flies I'm rather amazed and happy over the strong frenship I had fostered over the months Much faster and stronger than anyone one of us had or can possibly imagine.

There's more to come. I'm sure Just that how the frenship will turn out, there's still much to be done. Building it may be tough but definitely not at tough as maintaining it I feel But irregardless of all odds, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and I'm sure we'll defnitely stick it out Provided we dun have major character changes or misunderstandings Cos things in poly are jsut way too complicated to forsee and comprehend at time Though even if I could, I myself also allow myself to fall prey to it even*Toast* Here's to out frenship gals!

THIS WAS WHEN WE ALL COMPLAINED ABT XIU AND HER LACK OF FULLSTOPS. (i tried putting in a few then i got bored. xD haha) but either way, now it means a lot to me, knowing 3 years down the line we've gotten closer than ever... albiet a few quarrels, a lot of mishaps, each of us shed tears at one point in time, but we're still in it together!



HAHAHA THEN THERE WERE SNIPPETS ABOUT MEILING!!!

Frankly speaking I am very much sick of talking abt her or racking my brains over where to position her in projects and presentations ESPECIALLY presentations!!!!!Her probs:-fond of talking to herself during presentations-saying the wrong things-saying things that are outta pt ( she got a very good technique of making things outta pt!!!!)- LOVES and always try to skive and pass off contributions as 'decent work" ( seriously can't this woman think?How old is she already? 25? Think more than that man!!!! )



haha reading all the posts in the past... her bdays and all that... made me remember what peace we used to have... back in year 1 when we were still good with janice and all... its strange how we've grown this way.. how odd that this has happened like this. after reading it its made me regret, thinking that it could have been possible, remaining 5, or even 6 with sandy. but the truth will set in sooner or later, that its better this way.



And Jing: Yes I cheated -_- you know me la, very curious one. And also you got a good point, dunno if I can bring the letter up to the plane haha. Thanks anyway!


This was... about a letter i wrote to phy before she flew overseas... I TOLD HER TO READ IT ON THE PLANE DAMMIT! hahaha. nevermind i predicted she would cheat. hehe. i think i gave it to her on one of the exams we had?



And I bought a super super nice adidas jacket! It's black with pink lines on the sleeves and a sparkling adidas logo behind. It's a two-layered jacket..the outside one is water-resistant but the inside is cloth and has a nice pattern on it (that someone says looks like oysters).

Phy's first post on her blog. didnt realise it but she's been wearing that since 2006. its become her trademark... the shiny adidas disco ball~ hahaha. i remember when we asked her to spin arnd... just to make her look more disco-bally...



its a real revelation... reading back on the girls' blogs... thinking about the past. i guess THINKING about it doesnt make me remember as much as now.. when i look at the pictures and the memories we used to share. at some point i thought to myself "OMG I WORE THAT!?" it seemed so long ago... almost like another life.



my blog entries never went that far... mine's only about the time NUXES became NUXE.. i think it was because i was so upset with S at that time that i totally blocked that part out of my life and wanted to start anew. now i regret it... maybe if i had those posts it might mean something to me now.



those three years seemed to have passed a long time ago... and phy and xiu were always there since year 1. we've grown closer since we first met. it used to be me and janice, phyllis and shen... and xiuzhi was kinda the one being pushed back and forth (sorry girl for all that... =( ) then shen left... so phy grew closer to us... then sandy came. for a while she seemed a little odd... being new, didnt know much about us... but slowly we grew closer... then came the projects, then janice was kind of expelled i guess... since then its been the 4 of us... through everything, we grew much closer. i remember how i used to hate xiuzhi cutting my sentences, such that in the end i decided not to talk... but now i think we've both gotten used to it. now i cant think of anyone else better to call when i need a listening ear (thanks for being there girl, through desmond, kf, and especially wl). phy, as usual the chirpy one. sandy, the blur one. these two now too busy so i cant call them =( hehehe. oh well.



cant believe that i was so bored to read the past entries, but its set off this fire in me... knowing that somehow, somewhere, amidst all that i care for in SP... even if i lost everything. SP was where i lost my loves, the club, the teachers, the japanese students, the events, everything. but it was in SP that i found 3 good friends, maybe more.



this post goes out to you three girls, who've shared so much with me. we've watched each other cry, we've heard each other laugh. at one point or other, we've hurt each other as well. but more than that, despite all that, all the pain and hatred we once had, it somehow went away. and although i havent seen you girls in so long, it doesnt matter.



i miss those days we used to have.. those chalets and outings. to sentosa, lunch, birthdays, movies even. now more than ever, that scrapbook on my table means so much to me. yes its spastic and its funny, but it means more knowing the effect of each picture. its in pictures that you realise who your friends are... i remember back when they were doing the scrapbook for me, they told me they couldnt find much with janice inside... and i agreed. i guess to that extent she was never really there.



even matt agrees to that point. somehow i feel im being used. at least maybe its just me.



after i blog this i can finally go home. (yes i spent almost half an hr blogging and reading their old entries). when you have time, really go read each other's entries... it really is quite funny. reminiscing together wouldnt be as much fun because by now some of us have forgotten certain details... im kinda tempted to call xiu and talk to her about her entries. haha its so funny.



but more than that... thanks for always being there. i love you girls. ^^

**p.s. i hope i didnt take anything too sensitive... =p if you think it is just tell me i'll get rid of it~**

havent been blogging recently (okay thats not true). part of me is making a new revamped blog. =p it looks nice if i say so myself. as soon as im done w the html i'll upload it. for now its also my desktop wallpaper. HAHAHA!

serlyn's gone to tokyo, matt's just gotten back from fukuoka/osaka... i miss going to japan. there's so many things i want to do there, so many things ive yet to learn and still want to see. mt fuji for one.

ok away from japan... (YES MUST REPLY YONE!)

xiu's about to reach her pinnacle of her journey.. and i cant wait for it~ hahahaha.

one thing that made me really upset recently was my mum. she came to me and told me off for spending more time on my friends than i do to her, neglecting her etc. i was damn pissed that day.. i didnt want to go out because i was sick and i didnt feel like moving. i even told everyone who asked me out that i wasnt free. but nooooooooooo. she had to accuse me of neglecting her, not wanting to be with her than be with my friends. GREAT RIGHT~!

after a lot of tears we kinda settled it. well not really. hai. long story.

my basic theory test is coming soon, jap class starts next week (PHYYYYY DONT FORGET!). suddenly my life seems more... lively LOL.

today was interesting. out of nowhere i bumped into desmond. HAHAHAHAHAHA. it looked like this.


i was walking along with my friend... walking around. suddenly i see this guy who looks oddly familiar... he was staring at me with this agape face... hahaha. finally i realised it really was him. (cos i thought i spotted him a few times before... false alarms)

i walked past, kinda shouted "hihi!! didnt expect to see you here!" hahahaha. in 3 years this is the first time we've really bumped into each other... guess it was kinda odd that we did.

we spent some time smsing (catching up).. joked around a little... kinda said we'll meet to catch up some time.

he's changed quite a bit... more... mature i think. he said i grew taller. im insisting he shrunk. BWAHAHHAHAHAHA!

one by one, i will fulfill my destiny.
one at a time, i'm closer to my dream.
each step i take brings me even closer
to the person i've always wanted to be.

it starts out small, baby steps at a time
motivation, determination, and perserverence
one at a time, a dream unfolds
and im closer to becoming a whole.

~~~

it started out with me taking japanese class, my aim being JLPT 1. it took me a while to get motivation to actually go for real lessons, to take the class and make myself understand... this is really something i want. this is my dream, to go to japan and understand fully... 100% what they are talking about. ive always convinced myself that i could live with it, studying on my own, that i could survive. but i was wrong. i cant. and now ive made that move to become who i really wanted to be.. this is my first move.

now today, ive officially signed up for driving lessons, and if all goes well by december i'd be legal on the road. ive always wanted to drive, i knew that. it had to be a manual... i knew that too. but i never actually thought that i could take up my courage, throw it aside, and take the lessons. but now, filled with a sudden urge only i seem to understand, i know that i must learn it.. i know that i must succeed and i will do it right the first time.

hmms... got to apply for my BTT soon.. hehehehe. ^^ i cant wait honestly!!!

i think ive lost weight again.. woots yay me!

gg out w xiu tmr... xD

went out with xiuzhi today... was quite fun. we spent a lot of time talking, about past relationships, about other people, and we came to the conclusion.... we need more time to catch up!

she's getting rounder and rounder, but its kinda fun. i miss having them around... but i need to get new contacts!!! hahahahahaha!!!! i lost my contacts while on the road... so i spent one day being so... one eyed... =p haha

its over officially. im going to just take it and move on. i guess in a way maybe its come as a relief? i dont know why but i guess we were never meant to be more than just friends. so i've lost a boyfriend, but i found a good friend instead. in my books thats still winning. at least i've found another good friend i can trust my secrets to, someone that will give me advice when i need it, and most importantly someone that can trust me with theirs too.

im starting to think that maybe this was what it was supposed to be. rather than a bf/gf relationship that might turn sour, at least this is a friendship im quite sure will last.

ive been upset and maybe tormented for almost 3 to 4 days... but now that its over.. maybe the tormenting helped. maybe im just happy that its over, so that i dont have to torture myself waiting like the last time.


special thanks to the people who were there for me, even if they had no idea what i wanted to say... all the more.. one very special thanks to a girl... GIRL UR THE BOMB! lols.

im worried about myself. and worried about everything else. i really dont know whats happening to my body, its not that im getting weaker or anything. its just that.. my body is beginning to think that it no longer needs physical necessities to survive. its been a long time since ive eaten a full meal, and i feel no hunger in me. i always threw it aside, thinking that as long as i drank enough water i'll be okay. but for the first time today, i actually puked the water out, and i cant swallow much.

its not voluntary, telling me "try to eat" is not going to help. im trying but if my body is unwilling to accept it i cant do anything about it.

~~

it's not helping that im kinda being forced to work at my dad's place. its not that i dont want to help him, just that 1. its an environment i know nothing, nor enjoy being in. 2. i feel like im being reduced to some secretary. i will probably never tell them that, but i cant take it anymore. 2 days being there has shown me only 1 thing... i hate it. its not the environment... its more like... i guess its just me, totally not enjoying being reduced to a secretary.

~~

back to my worries.. i dont know.. how can u see signs that you're aneroxic?

im worried about him too.. he doesnt show it but im sure he's under a lot of stress.. i hope it blows over soon.. then at least i can help him with it and not just sit here, far away, and watch him suffer.

i know its a weird time and a weird topic... but this is only one plea. im very worried about matt right now... i just hope he's safe... wherever he is. i just hope he's okay...

my mind has been doing knots and crosses all day, but i finally realise what im doing. im being an idiot. im hiding the truth from myself because the truth is something i know i might not accept. im trying not to hurt myself because i know it'll hurt him. im trying to be strong, so he knows i can be there for him.

ive been thinking selfishly recently... all worried about my own feelings, and neglected his feelings. im really sorry. ive told no one this. ive told no one my true feelings. my hidden feelings, sure. but now i realise. its not that i dont love him, not that i can give him up. that's all just a cover for me to say "look if we dont get back together its okay".

truth is... he means more to me than anything else. i know that now. after worrying about his safety, ive come to understand that. i have feelings for him, feelings i will not let go. i wont tell him any of this, not now. but i will wait.

~~

on a worst side, i slammed right into the metal pole on the bus today. i was sitting on one of those side seats (xiu pls take note and dont sit there, actually NO ONE SIT THERE!) now.. i was on the seat that was next to the "exit door"... and there was a woman on the other seat with one seat between us. the pole was next to her leg, which meant it was one chair away from me. i was listening to my mp3 on the way home, when suddenly something happened.

before i could understand it, i had appeared on the middle seat, with a very bad headache and a strange pain in my right shoulder and left ankle/knee area. i then realised the bus uncle broke suddenly, and i slid a seat and crashed headfirst into the metal pole.

my first reaction however, was "thank goodness it was me and not some random pregnant woman". i hesitate to think what would happen. but even now my head, shoulder and knee/ankle aches... but right now im too worried to think about anything else. my pain is insignificant right now. all i want is for him to be safe.

found this on my sis' blog.. dunno why i gg to do it.

1) At what age do you wish to marry?
i dont know. marriage to me seems so far away still. i know i want to in the end. but to me marriage is like a sacred treasure that im just not ready for.

2) Study hard or play hard?
if possible, i'd rather a combination of both. i cant play hard knowing i didnt study, and its not as fun playing if you didnt work your ass off to get here in the first place. so rather than picking one, its more like... "study hard, so you can play even harder".

3) Who is the person you trust the most?
i have a few people i trust the most, one of which is my dearest friend kristy. she's been through everything with me. i also know i can trust matthew, even as a friend. back when we first met, we could tell each other anything, and it was because i trusted him that made me this way.

4) Do you think you have enough confidence?
No. I'm a paranoid person, who's trying to get over my cases of severe-paranoism, if only they didnt always turn out right. So i guess confidence is... relative depending on what you're trying to achieve.

5) If you can have a dream, what would it be?
i stopped having dreams many years ago. dreams to me meant that it wont ever happen. my dreams, no my goals, will come true. dreams are meant to remain dreams, just like myths and legends. if you believe strongly enough, you'll get just where you want to be.

6) Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Yes. After you're sad and emotional, everything always seems a lot better when you put it into perspective. It took me a while to get to this stage, but it's all a part of life. knowing that it hurts you more than anything, and knowing that you're strong enough to move on. my rainbow used to be knowing that they'll get what they deserve in the end, and knowing i'll do it on my own. but now, it's just knowing that i know i could hurt them if i wanted to.

7) What is your goal for this year?
my goal for this year is the same as any other. go through life, and become a stronger person. i dont think im weak now, but i know that unless i grow stronger, i can never be free. i know how this world works, i know my intuition is right. i just need the courage to follow it.

8) Do you believe in eternity love?
Maybe, but i have yet to see it.

9) Have you broken someone's heart that he/she tried to commit suicide?
No, but someone has broken my heart that I tried to commit suicide, almost. Then i realised why give him the pleasure, instead choosing to haunt him and prove that i can live on without him.

1o) What feeling do you love the most?
The feeling of exhiliration and thrill, adrenaline pumping in your veins. The rush of speed and the touch of glory.

11) What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
I can live with almost any kind of guy. Physically or characteristically. My requirements simply means that he learns it on his own. If i tell him my requirements it just makes him try to fulfill it, and i feel no emotion if he does. But if he fulfills it without knowing what it is, then it means something to me.

12) What feeling do you hate the most?
Inferiority. I hate the feeling of knowing im inferior and i'm on the losing end. It just makes me want to fight even harder to prove that even with the absence of physical ranks, its still possible to win.

13) Do you cherish every friendship of yours?
No. I've been used enough to know not to be naive and cherish every friendship. I cherish the ones that mean something to me, the ones that have gone through life and death with me. In short, i cherish the ones that know that if I had to kill them, even if they did nt know the reason, they would know that i have a reason for it, and understand and not blame me. Because these are the friends that i would go through life and death for, and i know that they'll do the same for me.

14) What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
The fact that knowing one day my life will end, and until then i strive to attain everything i can. I will not go down without a fight.

15) Who do you hope to be always there for you?
I dont hope for people to be there for me. I only hope to know who i can trust and who i cant. Many people will be there for you, it's only a matter of whether their advice is true to their intentions.

16) Do you believe in God?
No. I do believe there's someone out there watching over us, but as much as controlling our lives, maybe not so. Our lives are created the moment our names are given and we are born. Because of that, we cant control our lives either. But... I dont believe in a God because i know i have a control over my own life. my decisions make me who i am. as long as i can kill myself when i want to, no one can control my life.

17) Who is your best friend?
Kristy, without a doubt. She's already been there for me for almost 7 years now...

18) Who cares for you the most?
I wish I knew. Maybe im too selfish i dont see what people have put in for me... but i know there are people who care for me out there. People like aloy who watched over me despite everything else, people like matthew who knew what i felt, but only he was a friend enough to tell it to my face. People like Kristy, who was always there for me. People like Xiu, Phy and San... who would give me both their ears and a shoulder if i needed. Not to mention my sis, who apparently has grown up more than i ever thought.

19) Who do you love most?
myself. if you cant love even yourself, then you cant love anyone else.

the path i have to go towards is clear. i now know what i want. after thinking about it for one day straight, i finally know what i intend to do. i thank kristy and shiko, two of whom could listen to me. each time im riding this rollercoaster i feel ups and downs, i feel happiness, then pain. its this never-ending cycle that i never thought i would have to go through again.

but now my head is clear, my mind is set. i know what i intend to do, i know how to move forward. and because of that, i can be strong for you. before this, i didnt know what to think, i didnt know what i was going to do. but now i know.. i know what i must do. like you said, i'll support you, and i'll be strong for you.

i dont know if this road will start again, or if this road will end... but either way... i know how i want it to end. now it's just a matter of fantasy and reality.

i've finally found the motivation to start my exercise regime... eating less now (not that im forcing myself not to eat, just lost my apetite...) and starting my exercise regime.. not easy to maintain, but i'll get it anyway... ive already lost quite a bit of weight =D maintaining it was kinda the problemmm...=x