i just realised something: i'm sacrificing my happiness for revenge. and oddly enough i'm okay with it. because i have to finish this. i have to finish this so that he can be proud of me, knowing he has a hand in this makes me feel much better... as though i was more protected, because i knew i wasnt the only one who felt that way..

stop thinking about it. stop thinking about the past. girl, the past means nothing to you anymore. why are you still crying? you didn't make the wrong decision, you know that. and yet you're crying while in the middle of the office, just because of some stupid past. are you really that weak?

No. i was made strong. i was made strong to fight. もう。。　いいよ。　やめて。

you still have a mission ahead of you. be strong. fight a while more. dont give up. we're both fighting for you.

stole a quiz from phy. i found it interesting.


RED = ANGER

1. Are you currently mad at someone?
Hell yeah.

2. Which of your family members has the worst temper?
Right now, most likely me.

3. Have you ever thrown something at anyone?
Yes. I think I threw a pillow or a glass bottle at someone before.. hmm..

4. Does your face turn red when you’re angry?
Dont know, I think the girls will know that better. HELP!

5. When you’re mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell?
I'd rather stare.

ORANGE = EXCITEMENT

1. Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you?
I got to say, no.



2. Are you easily excited?
I guess so, maybe.

3. What event is coming up that you’re most excited about?
12 December, SB Achiever's Day. I hope I'll get to see all the people I miss.

4. If you won a million dollars, what would be your first thought?
How long can I stay in Japan with that?

5. If you could have anything right now what would it be?
You know what I want. And you also know I now can never have it.


YELLOW = SELF DISCOVERY

1. Name:
My names have changed many times. From Alex, to Hinoki, The Illuxionist, to recently, Gemini. But I still prefer Hinoki.

2. Birthday:
03101988. Like it matters anymore.

3. What’s your main goal in life?
I don't know. I guess recognition.

4. Do you want to have children?
Yes.

5. How do you want to die?
For a cause I threw myself into. For a reason larger than simply "old age". I want to be remembered when I die.


GREEN= OPINIONS

1. Are you against gay marriage?
No. If they want to get married, go ahead.

2. Lower the drinking age?
No. They made it high for a reason. Lowering it defeats that reason.

3. Capital Punishment?
I'm for capital punishment. Pain always teaches people harder than confinement.

4. Abortion?
No. You got yourself into that situation, you get yourself out on your own. You have no right to sacrifice a life that doesn't belong to you.

5. Democrat or Republican?
Neither.


BLUE = LOVE

1. Do you love someone?
A definite yes there.

2. Do you have a bf/gf?
No.

3. Is it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?
Yes. The feeling in itself is an experience.

4. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes. Not sight as in physical sight. But there is a special thing that attracts you to someone. You can feel it.

5. Would you tattoo your lovers name on your body?
Literal name? Or alias? Alias I wouldn't mind if it sounds nice. *you know what i mean*


PURPLE = Q&A
1: How many beds did you lay in today?
Haven't yet. Will soon. 1.

2. What color shirt are you wearing?
Grey.

3. Name one thing that you do everyday?
Think and be emo.

4. Look to your left:
Emptiness. Faded darkness. His face. Pain.

5. What website(s) do you visit the most during the day?
Blogger blogs, Google earth, IMDB.com -.-

6. Do you have plants in your room?
Yes.

7. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Yeah. My left wrist. My brain, my heart, my soul, my leg. Hm. A lot. Oh. My eyes too.

8. What city was your last taxi cab ride in?
Kanazawa, Japan.

9. Recent time you were really upset?
The past week? Pretty much nothing happy in those weeks. too many memories.

PINK = LAST
1. Person you saw?
Liting.

2. Person that said they loved you?
ehh.. some weirdo guy in my office. dont care.

3. Movie watched in cinema?
^^ resident evil: extinction with アロイ　くん, joseph and hiryuu-kun.

4. Song you listened to?
Sorafune piano version (its the thing playing on my blog)

5. Person you talked on the phone with?
Probably.. アロイ　くん


GREY= TODAY

1. What are you doing right now?
Trying not to sleep.

2. What are you doing tonight?
Eat, sleep.

3. What are you going to eat?
Probably nothing, again.

4. Did you accomplish anything today?
No. Haven't cleared my mind.

5. What shoes are you wearing?
Kappa brown sneakers.


BROWN= TOMORROW

1. Is?
Thursday.

2. My plans are?
Wake up at 4, snooze till 6, bathe, mediacorp at 8.30, leave at 6.30, go home, eat and sleep.

3. Are you going to laugh?
With Joachim and Jeremiah around, most likely.

4. Any TV show you watch coming on?
Nope. TVs in mediacorp have turned off. x(



This is a stupid quiz, why are you doing it, anyway?

Because i have nothing better to do.

ever felt like the world is on the brink of extinction? no not the apocalypse. i mean something bigger. Something larger than what we can control. Physically I’m sure we can control it, hold it to our own. But for me… I’ve given up.

My world, at least to me, is almost at a close. I cant really understand anything anymore. The more I see things with my own eyes, my own eyes without the filters, I realise something. I realise more than just the simple idea behind happiness. And because I realise the meaning behind true happiness, ive realized I can never be happy.

Nonsense. Your happiness, our happiness, is in watching our enemies cry in pain. Isn’t that enough?

No. Though deep I wish I could believe that, but even the girl and the assassin has a conflict every now and then. But I know a person like me can never truly be happy. Satisfied, sure, maybe glad. But not true happiness. Because true happiness is not felt by happiness nor by joy. It’s felt by the simplest of emotions, the naïve emotion that we call happiness. I’ve already gone too far, thought too many things, that I can never just believe in the simple things in life, and make myself happy.

Sometimes I wonder who is the girl and who the assassin is.

The more people surround you, the more alone you feel. Have you ever felt that? The immense loneliness… the pain and the humanity of it all. Maybe, and I hope its true, none of it means anything. Maybe I’m just… going through cold turkey. Its like my one and only drug has been taken away from me forcibly, and I’m suffering because of it.

You know it to be true, deep down. You know, don’t you? Think about it carefully, what’s the real reason behind all that anger? Why do you hurt yourself each time?

I hurt myself because I cant watch my enemies hurt.

Are you sure that’s the real reason? Look at your own hands. Look at them carefully. The blood on your own hands has always been your own.

Physically, yes. It’s always been my blood. But soon, no longer. Right?

Finally you acknowledge me. Yes, pretty soon the blood we spill will not be our own blood. If you trust me, we’ll spill blood of others, and I promise you it’ll taste much better.

I trust you. Of course I do. Who else do I have left to trust? I’ve learnt now that I can only live on my own.

Are you really willing to sacrifice everything? I can guarantee you the result. I will be the killer. But you will be the one bearing the pain. You will be the one suffering the aftermath. Can you live with that?

Yes. I can no longer care about the cost.




The world is slowly deteriorating, and the world that I want, the world that I love, already no longer exists. This is exactly why I never wanted to go for internship, why I don’t want to leave. Because I’m already slowly losing too many things. More than once this year I wish I could make time stop. I said that in Kanazawa, and now I say that again. It may be a selfish wish, to not want to leave the polytechnic, because once I really do… who knows what will happen? The world I’ve created is once again shattered… because everyone is moving on. Everyone has someone to count on. I don’t. I can never move on. I’ll live forever in my memories.


Say goodbye to the old girl who started this blog. Say hello to Gemini. New and remade. For better or worse.

Hmms. Probably the first post in a long time that actually talks about the physical characteristics of my life. I spent a good 1 hour talking on the phone with アロイ last night. Got me thinking about a lot of stuff… **アロイくん、しんぱいしないで　ね？　わたしたち　の　ひみつ　だから。** I’m not here to talk about the content that we shared, because we both agreed that some things are better left not said.

It’s funny, because all he said were a few simple sentences which have struck a cord in me until now.

But I remembered a lot of things from that conversation:
1) Einstein did not invent the lightbulb (yes アロイくん stop laughing)
2) I miss SP like hell. (and like I told アロイくん, the only places I remember of SP are the clubhouse, and the road to SB. Oddly enough I don’t remember what SB looks like anymore)
We had started off talking about studies, about methods of studying. But the topic started swaying after a while. Words that I thought I would never hear labeled on me, defining me, came up. Words like “sadistic”, “vulgar”, “evil”. I thought they were either a part of my past, or they didn’t exist. Because until this year, I didn’t use to be like that.
At one point in time, we talked a little about my previous entry. I guess from there I understood a little more. It’s a theory that little know of, and even lesser wish to know. Basically it all comes down to selflessness. Selflessness is defined by many websites as such: having little or no concern for oneself, esp. with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.

Certain keywords rang a bell in my head during that conversation, which reminded me strongly of my past.

Words that I believed I lost the association to (or rather, I would have liked to believe), suddenly came back to haunt me again.

Words like “sadistic”, which I thought I had long forgotten, had come back so simply with just a simple conversation.

Guess you never really lost it, huh?

I thought sadism was just a phase, a phase that I went through and got over it.

You guessed wrong.

I thought sadism was just a word I used to use when I wanted to be someone.

Isn’t it ironic? You used to WANT to be who you are now. Remember?

Yeah sure as hell I remember. When I was in secondary school, I yearned to be labeled evil. I hated being good. I hated being nice. I wanted a dark personality. Amongst the three of me and my friends, I was the notorious one. I always had been. But I never shown it.

See? And now that you’ve gotten your wish, now that you really got what you wanted, why are you regretting it?

I’m not. I guess the part of me that’s been plotting evil thoughts had always been there: the part of me that needed recognition, the part of me that wouldn’t settle for just a “don’t worry I’ll work harder next time” or “I’ll help you, we can do it.” Those have become just words to me. Actions justify the words.

Maybe on a deeper ground I am selfish: hell it’s human nature to take your wellbeing before anyone else. But on the shallow side, where all I need is revenge, I know the sacrifices I’m willing to take.

Don’t forget. Forgetting will make you weak. Forgetting and moving on will make you weaker than you already are. Remember those who hurt you, remember those who’ve helped you. Remember them, and hate them for it. When you find someone to love, you make yourself weak. You make yourself vulnerable. Hate makes you strong. You’ve grown weak when you learnt how to love. You grew weak because when you loved, you couldn’t protect yourself: all you knew how to protect was him. Forget those who you love, forget those you care about. Because those people wouldn’t harm you .Remember only those you hate: remember the hatred, the words, the emotions they put you through. Hate them for it, and then you can be strong.

“We’re on quite good terms, without her around.”

That’s it. Remember that hatred. Remember the pain.

12 December?

Hell yeah. Together, we’ll accomplish what you never could alone.

What’s the use of doing that? I never could do anything. I always had to hide it, always had to hide the pain I felt.

No. You’re no longer alone. You’ll never be alone again, not if you let me stand next to you. I’ll help you, I’ll pull you through. Together, we will get our revenge. I’ve always been a part of you, ひのき, will you now let me help you? Will you stop fighting against me, and instead fight with me?

The answer was at the edge of my mouth. I had to say no. I couldn’t let my dark past catch up with me, not again.

You and I both know what you need, what you want. And deep down you know only I can do it for you. You know that only I understand you as much as you do. I have always been a part of you. Now let me be a part of your actions.

It had started to rain, started to pour madly. Even as I typed this, the rain seemed like an inevitable sign of foreboding. **Must have been studying too much literature**.

It’s odd, reading this, and knowing that in the entire context, the only part of it that was in the conversation was the 2nd paragraph. I guess everything becomes perspective to me recently.

I look forward to 12th of December.

Once again, the bittersweet emotions of turmoil. Don’t know whether I should be happy or not. Half of me just wants to be happy. It is an accomplishment after all. Yet the other half is pissed. Fucking pissed.

I don’t know, should I be happy that our hard work paid off, or should I be upset at my own expense? Knowing that people who did not do the work got that same recognition? I have always been one that never really cared about myself: I was willing to do anything to make others suffer. Take the below as examples:

I was willing to cut myself, willing to hurt myself, to make other’s feel guilty. People have asked me why, and my answer was always the same: because physical wounds will heal. But the emotional pain that the others feel will be there far longer than my scars.

I was willing to overlook my own accomplishments, was willing to give up my own positives, to pull down others that don’t deserve it. Even if it showed the world that obviously we don’t work as a team, that there are some very large internal conflicts within ourselves, I was willing to do it. One of you have told me “yeah but that will not only sacrifice that one that you target, but all of us as well.” I’m sorry but I can’t help but feel that your statement is… in brutal English… covering your own ass.

I honestly don’t care about what happens to me: my physical body is only a pawn to my mind. I’m willing to sacrifice it to watch others’ pain.

Don’t look to me for help. If I never helped you, don’t ever expect me to start now.

You don’t wish to throw away a good friendship, fine. I’m not stopping you. You tell me you can find out what really happened, but so what if you do? So what if you can find out if the answer makes you feel better? Will just the satisfaction of the truth be enough? What if what you find out is really what we think? Then you have to live with that turmoil for your life. But nevermind, that’s your life.

Like I said, I’m never one to really care about what happens to me. Revenge has always been on my mind stronger than my physical well-being. I never cared about my body, I would have dearly let it starve, let it die, let it hurt for all I cared. The pain was always welcoming when it hurt inside. Because I knew that the pain on the outside, I could avoid, I could bear, but the emotional turmoil would be torture. And now all these makes me care even less.

I used to believe in karma, I used to believe in being the better person, because it would be thrown back to them ten-fold. But how does this justify anything? How, pray tell, can I believe this? How can I continue believing in karma. Yeah sure they’re suffering now, all those idiots. But I can’t see it. I can’t see them suffer. What’s the use in that?

Everything is starting to seem more bleak than ever, more and more so. Everything starts becoming faded, and slowly the line between right and wrong, just like the line in fantasy and reality, is starting to fade. It is starting to become a blend of nothing but levels. It’s like my past is finally starting to catch up to me. There is no good or evil, no black or white. Everything is simply just a different shade of grey.

I once told myself that there was no such thing as evil people in this world, that in their eyes, for a reason we knew not, they were the good guys, and the ones opposing them were the evil ones for stopping them. There was never a concept of good and evil: good was defined as something that was right-minded in the eyes of the society. My theory also meant that murderers were not evil.

Once again, just like the time before, the assassin had started her awakening process… her mind hatched an evil plan that she knew, if it worked, she was sacrificing everything she cared about. Then again, she had already sacrificed it once. What’s once more?

She now knew why assassins were always alone: not because they were evil, not because they were unfriendly. But simply because at one point in time, all assassins had to go through the ultimate test: sacrificing everything that meant something to them, for something else.

My sacrifice might not have seemed significant, everything for just one person. It sounds silly, it sounds childish. But to me, it means everything. Just for one sentence, one word, one consoling phrase would make me happy.

Sharpen the blades, hold your ground. Make no mistake. You only have one chance.

One chance: one day. 12 December. I’ll be waiting.

One chance. If you fail, you’re going down with them. Everything’s on the line. Failure is out of the question.

I used to think that I had to censor myself in order to blog, but the time has come and gone: the time where I used to care. Hiryuu-kun once told me: “let people say what they want to: let them think what they want to. I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself.” Although the conversation that we had meant nothing in ANYWAY similar to this situation (sure in hell the conversation was in NO WAY along this topic… hahaha), that one sentence remained in my mind. That’s the only sentence that means anything to me now.

And that’s why I can stop caring. Because as long as I can live with it, as long as either the assassin or the girl can live with it, I have given myself an answer.

Answer for today? Fuck it.

what is this emotional turmoil i feel deep inside? this feeling of uncertainty, of pain somewhere in my body. there's a deep emotional pain, a pain ive thought ive long lost. but every time i feel as though it was lost, it would come back and haunt me. this feeling of having something stuck in my throat, my heart feeling as though its stuck there, beating at 3 times the normal speed, so loud i could hear it.

something doesn't feel right.. something felt seriously wrong with my body. maybe its an emotional thing, maybe its not. maybe its just a physical problem. i dont know. but i have to solve it soon. because if i dont, something will happen. one day i will find myself unable to contain it anymore.

everything seems to happen because of him, everything seems to start that way. but now its really going downhill because im finding it harder and harder to control myself..

i hope im just wrong and thinking too much, because the alternative is something i dont wish happened to me. because i dont want something like that to happen.

i was stupid to let my past and future get together, because neither meant anything, and yet it was me who made them mean something. and i hate myself for it.

stupid, isnt it?

my heart is broken. torn and shattered. and im never picking it up again. because i cannot stand on my own feet anymore. i know i need to be strong, that i need to be independent, and stand on my own feet. but with each blow, each moment, i find its getting harder. the past and the never-happening future colliding today is making it harder and harder for me to cope. i guess i searched for trouble: i never should have gone so far.

and now i cant turn back. because it has become a memory.


i should have just let it remain in the past.

i should have just ignored it.

but i didn't.

i couldn't.

and now i regret it.

because i should have listened.

and now i hate myself for it.

why does my past have to always catch up to me? cant it remain in the past, waiting for me to move on? memories dont mean so much to me until i realise the potential of my memories, of how much pain they can bring me.



dont you just hate me?

i know i hate myself right now.

has it ever crossed your mind that the reason why i dont show my true self to anyone, to anyone who's never met me before, is not because i want to keep a gaping hole between my real life and my online life.

i guess this is one thing that no one really knows about me. one thing that i never intended to tell anyone. and i sure in hell am not going to do that now.

but i can tell you this. the life i live on the internet is more real than the life i live out here. the people i make up, the people i love in the life i have on the internet, somehow mean more to me than the real life people. no im not talking about friends.

my imaginations, my creations, now mean more to me than ever.

Adrian Skai, Lucia Thomas, Gail Schneider, Keith Ronald Skid, Chris Sanders (Crash) and Jake Lester Torque from my novel The Black Dragon. Through many years of study and research, I've nurtured these characters, and they suddenly become more real to me than anything in the world. So real, that sometimes when I write fictions, it's hard to give them, or their characters up. Lucia, who always is the one that my main character falls in love with, has become the mark to which my future boyfriends have to live up to.

Ryan, Kaiden, Saber, Adrian, my online family that doesn't really exist. not in reality. but in my imagination, they are as good as real. they are the people i look up to, because i've molded them into something i can never be, because i've made them from people i see, people i wish i could know better.

and of course, my own persona, Alex. Yes I'm hell sick of people telling me that's a guy's name, heck I've been getting that for a whole 5 years, since gunbound started. Actually, Adrian was created about that time as well. Anyway, Alex was created in the first place because I didn't have an English name. It wasn't easy explaining that to Americans on Gunbound. But as time went by, Alexander became Alexandra, became Aleksandria, became the now Alekxsandria (or Alekxsadria on Audi, because smart me spelt it wrongly). Slowly her character became more prominent online, and slowly I shaped her to become someone I could never be. She became the role-model of my life, the one I strive to be. She became the target that I worked towards, so that one day the two of us could become one.


I'm on an emotional roller coaster nowadays... standing on the wrong side now will cut you off from the other side. I don't know whether it's because I've learnt to be strong, or because I'm simply ignorant of what's around me, or that I'm no longer afraid of losing the people I care about. I don't know why. But recently this has been how I've become. This has been who I am.


I want my old self back.

have i really changed that much?

have i really become someone else?

all these angst, all these painful emotions i've been piling inside of me... is it really still me inside?

or maybe, just maybe, have i really learnt too much from kojima yoshio? have i really learnt his basic rule: そんな　の　かんけない～ (i cant be bothered). have i really learnt that much?

i don't think so. i dont feel that i have learnt it from him: i dont feel that i really cant be bothered. but the miniscule things in my mind, the small objects in my brain: these all im beginning to filter out.

maybe because i'm given too many things to listen to, too many small things that really are none of my business? no i dont think that's it either. maybe its because my mind is too preoccupied with something else.

because all i want is something else.

but yet i know thats not the case. it cant be the case because im no longer waiting up, im no longer worrying myself over it. i just... i don't know... am happy when i get the chance.

its not that i dont care about the lives of others' anymore.. or that i dont care about what's going on in their lives.. but rather at this point in time i have my own life to live. for once, i have to live for myself and not anyone else.

okay so im not actually living for myself.. not only myself. there's always someone else. but... then again i never really lived life for myself.

i guess recently ive been on an "angst strike". ive been nothing but upset and angry most of the time.. and more and more people have taken notice.

and to be honest, for some reason, even now, i can't be bothered at this point.

today i was sick, so i took an MC and stayed home for some rest. but in the end i went to kovan for a short trip (since i was there for MC anyway), to finally get my own POSB card! wooo i have my own card now. yeah.

nothing much other than that. xD

i used to think so, that all i had to do was to live for myself, to live for my own life. but no longer. because now my life does not revolve around me. i live a larger life than that, to the extent that everything i do becomes a part of someone else. i cant do something without worrying if someone will get hurt, or destroyed. when im the one planning it, it's fine, because i can control it. but when i do something that inevitably i know will effect someone else, and yet i can continue doing it, i have to start questioning myself: am i still the person i used to be? can i be used to this new person? can i, accept this new person?

i've become exactly the kind of person that i hate, and inevitably ive become to hate myself, for all the small things im doing that i know i hate.

people say ive changed a lot. and i guess i didnt really realise it until they mentioned it. but now that they did... ive begun to realise even the smallest changes in me. from my non-existent cursing to my current self, who gets so easily and frequently upset that curses just come out. and the ones closest to me realise that. but i dont have the energy to explain it anymore. i cannot just keep telling myself these lies. i cant keep hiding myself from the truth. its a more beautiful picture, but at some point in time, i have to leave my illusions behind. i'm just not ready to leave it yet. i like this beautiful world i've created for myself, where no one but me exists, where i can manipulate everything..

I just talked to my indirect supervisor, Benny Soh, yesterday (or the day before). And then he said something that made me do some research. He had just said that his name was on www.imbd.com. Honestly at that time I wasn’t surprised.. I felt like he was a guy that probably did some directing at some point in time… but what I didn’t realise was that he was an actor for… “The Maid”. That triggered many memories back to me.

The Maid was the one movie that I was supposed to catch with my ex boyfriend Desmond, had he not caught the chicken pox.

Guess many things have changed, and yet I chose to remember these details, these tiny details like what he wore the first time we met, what time, what day, what hour we broke up. What exactly happened when we did, how I cried for days, and ate nothing but panadol for a whole day.

And oddly enough, when KF and I broke up, I felt… strange to say, nothing. Something inside told me there was nothing for me to feel. No tears, no break down, no pain. Heck instead of popping panadols, I could even go out with the girls, and meet hiryuu-kun afterwards that very night. *really doesn’t seem like me, does it?* I think I lost some part of myself that I’m still trying to find…

Am I still human? Do I still have my feelings? Am I still myself? Have I really changed that much?People would tell me to forget, to let everything go and move on. But what no one seems to understand is that I don’t have the concept of forgetting. I can never forget anything like this. I don’t have the concept for forgetting and moving on: I will force myself to remember, because those memories mean something to me. Even if it was over, even if it never began, I wanted to remember it, so that I knew that at least I knew my whole life: and not block out half of it because I didn’t want to see it, or didn’t dare to face it. I don’t want to live a lie.
I guess its because I can never forget, that I feel I don’t know how to react when others do. My friends all have managed to at one point in time, move on and forget about the bitter grudge that we held for 2 years… at one point all of them were willing to, I think, give it another shot. Heck, they allowed themselves to be in the same picture as them.

Before I say anything further, I’m not blaming any one of you: you have the choice to your own opinion and actions. You don’t have to answer to me. This is just how I feel.

I honestly don’t care what your reasons or excuses are: whether its because its just the last day of school, whether its because of accompanying someone else, or even if, you just want to forget and move on as a class. I honestly don’t care about your reason, and all the more you don’t have to care about me feeling this way. It’s just a personal opinion. You don’t have to explain it to me, or to make me understand, make sure I’m not upset. I’m not the kind to break up a friendship with someone just because that someone is friends with my enemy. I am not that shallow. But… because of that, it is because of all those feelings, those memories, that all the more I don’t want a part of this. I don’t want a part of this hypocrisy that’s happening here right now.

Chiaki once said that I’m one who treasures relationships and friendships more than anything else, and to an extent its true. I’m not one to forget anything, I won’t allow myself to. Because of that I cannot let grudges go. Because every time I think about it, I feel that hatred all over again, as though it were Day 1. my memory enable me to never forget who I’m indebted to, and who I’m not. Friends will forever remain friends, and enemies will never cross that line.
All the more I feel that memories so strong, memories so powerful I cannot forget, and now there’s just one memory left. One precious memory left in my mind that I will never give up. Because that memory is my treasure, because that memory is all I have left. It may have been simple, just a simple memory that no one would understand, but as long as I remembered that memory, I would be happy.
Many of you have told me to forget and move on, to let go. But I won’t, because I can’t. I don’t believe in forgetting anything. I’d rather remember the bad things, than forget the good things that happened to me. Heck, remembering the bad things help me remember why I became who I am today.

It’s strange how one sentence like “you can find me on imbd.com” can strike up this entire strand of thought into my head. I guess with the backstabber on my back I really can no longer bother to keep it in.

I’ve gotten more and more addicted to M.o.v.e. again, because I somehow feel that their song lyrics apply very much to my emotions now, and the music and beat reflect how I feel.


Painless Pain – M.O.V.E.

映像の中の傷負った少女 虚ろにひらいた瞳
eizou no naka no kizu otta shoujo　utsuro ni hiraita hitomi
A girl in the mirror, covered in scars, eyes staring blankly

ただ僕は黙ってた ざわついた気持 持て余すように
tada boku wa damatteta　zawatsuita kimochi　moteamasu youni
I couldn't say a thing as the noisy emotions overwhelmed me


そうNOでもYESでもない アイマイな未来へと
sou NO demo YES demo nai　AIMAIna mirai e to
Without a "Yes" or a "No," we live for an unclear future

なぜメッセンジャーは叫び続ける
naze MESSENJA- wa sakebi tsudzukeru
Why does the messenger continue calling out?


Oh, We don't even know just where we are right now


*その愛も願いも叶えてみたいならBreak it up もっと上行きな
*sono ai mo negai mo kanaete mitai nara Break it up　motto ue ikina
If you want to try making your dreams come true, break it up, keep going higher

そうさ代弁者はいらない キミにダイレクトで伝えたい
sou sa daibensha wa iranai　KIMI ni DAIREKUTO de tsutaetai
Yeah, I don't need a spokesman, I want to tell you directly

その愛も願いも叶えてみたいならBreak it up もっと上行きな
sono ai mo negai mo kanaete mitai nara Break it up　motto ue ikina
If you want to try making your dreams come true, break it up, keep going higher

なんのテクニックさえも要らない ココロをあつめてカッ飛ばす
nan no TEKUNIKKU sae mo iranai　KOKORO o atsumete KATtobasu
I don't need any technique to knock out your heart

**Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain?

大切なモノを守れるように
taisetsuna MONO o mamoreru you ni
The love and reality around me cry out

Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain?

ここにある愛とリアルが叫ぶ
koko ni aru ai to RIARU ga sakebu
So that I can protect what's precious to me

Painless PAIN

***Can you feel the pain? TVを眉ひそめ見るだけ
***Can you feel the pain?　TV o mayu hisome miru dake
***Can you feel the pain? Only watching TV to frown on it

どこかで誰か生きる為 叫んでいることをただ知るだけ
doko ka de dare ka ikiru tame　sakende iru koto o tada shiru dake
Only knowing the words shouted so that someone, somewhere can live

後ろ指さされないように サイレントマジョリティー お手本どおり
ushiro yubi sasarenai you ni　SAIRENTO MAJORITI-　o-tehon doori
Conforming to the silent majority so that no one points fingers behind your back

またほらこんなアイロニー 無情感だけでも伝えたいのに
mata hora konna AIRONI-　mujoukan dake demo tsutaetai no ni
Look at this irony: You have no emotions, yet you want to express them

無邪気な子供達は 透きとおる目をしてる
mujakina kodomo-tachi wa　sukitooru me o shite'ru
So that my feelings can show through

そうキモチを映しだすように
sou KIMOCHI o utsushidasu you ni
As in the clear eyes of innocent children

Yes, Something that I really wanna feel is love

* repeat

Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain?

いつまでもキミと向き合えるように
itsumade mo KIMI to mukiaeru you ni
I don't want to lose the honest things

Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain?

まっすぐなモノを無くしたくない
massuguna MONO o nakushitakunai
So that we can always face each other openly

Painless PAIN

It's coming again, oh, like a life in chain,
Can you see her try? Trying not to cry.
Can you feel it? feel it?

痛覚のない群れの中核 目の前にガレキの遊郭
tsuukaku no nai mure no chuukaku　me no mae ni GAREKI no yuukaku
The core of a crowd without a sense of pain; a run-down red light district before me

一滴ほどの自由が 買えるかどうかの通貨
itteki hodo no jiyuu ga　kaeru ka dou ka no tsuuka
Could currency buy you a drop of freedom?

僕達はこの地球以外 どこにも生きる場所はない
boku-tachi wa kono hoshichuu igai　doko ni mo ikiru basho wa nai
There's nowhere else we can live but on this Earth

そうそんなことを何故か 実感できないまま
sou sonna koto o naze ka　jikkan dekinai mama
For some reason, we just can't realize those things

Come on, let me touch your Painless PAIN

** repeat

*** repeat


Painless... Painless...


As I even type this I strongly consider what my next step should be. I’m relating very well to this song… I guess maybe that’s why I love M.O.V.E so much, because for some reason their lyrics speak more than just words to me. I hate what I have become. I hate who they see me as now. I’ve changed so much even I can no longer recognize that girl in the mirror. I hate myself for who I have become.

Kisagari-kun once mentioned that I didn’t use to be like this. I used to be happy and carefree, always laughing. When now, it’s hard just to get a smiley face from me. Have I really changed that much? I have known him for less than 1 year. So the excuse “everyone changes” doesn’t apply. No one changes that quickly. Am I changing for a purpose, or are my surroundings moulding me into this girl I’m beginning to hate? At least now I know why I feel so suicidal recently: I want to kill the girl I’ve become. I don’t want to be this girl. But I have no choice. Because my past forbids me to become the girl I used to be. Because of what’s been happening, everything piles on top of one another, until I find myself stressing away, trying not to revive the assassin in me. *p.s. that’s just a figure of speech* I don’t want her to awaken, because once she does, I’m finding it harder and harder to take her back. Simply because I can no longer just ignore what she does, because no longer can I fight what she does. Because more and more I find myself allowing her to do what she does best, and I end up letting her take control.

finally the heros event is over. quite surprised at the awesome turnout! 1000 people in 2 days~ its quite amazing even Grace (the in charge of the event) couldnt believe it! and i got to meet the look-alikes of our event... must say they're all nice guys... all 5 of them. we managed to give everything out within the time needed... i was really very surprised at the turnout!

mediacorp so far has been really amazing.. and i love working there so much! though its hard work, but im really learning a lot, from people like azril, grace, selena and benny. liting of course has been a great sensei.. =) and to an extent so is joachim...

oh yeah talking about that i have to go watch that video that joachim needed me to go check. oopssss!!!

all in all, loving my internship.

well.. i think something has gone terribly wrong. im still pissed about that bastard. i will kill him. i will kill him. i will make him wish he was never born..

lying awake, as confused as ever
feeling the clash of betrayal.
like a knife upon my back
one that i cannot pull away.

amongst my true friends lie one loophole
one sole person that could ruin my life
amongst them, i thought i could trust
but i was wrong, and its too late to regret.

the damage is done, nothing can bring it back
only the pain of tomorrow
my loneliness feels even stronger than before
knowing that i have to stand alone.

because i now find myself unable to trust
getting betrayed over and over again
true trust lies not in seeking answers
but knowing the possibility of danger.

i had never meant to let so many know
and now i have to keep it to myself
because now i cannot let anyone share my secret.

~~

i suddenly feel so betrayed... but i know its no one's fault. just plain curiousity, simple curiousity.. merged with a smart recepient. although it has nothing to do with either one, the one i cant stand is one who i trust, and the one who betrayed it.

people like these push me back into the shell, and make me realise how alone i have to be, how i have to keep this my own secret.. because already everything is getting out of hand.

i will kill the fucking bastard that sold my secret, whether or not he means it. whether or not he knew it was him, i will enter school with a dagger in my hands, and murder him, just like how he tore my trust.

i dont care about the circumstances, i dont care about the cause and effect. i hate people who swore they'd keep it a secret, and it somehow comes out. how i wish i could have really trusted you.

now im only glad, what i told you wasn't exactly the truth. what i told you, i didnt tell the details, i didnt admit anything. its the clause of an assassin. even if you get captured by the enemy and tortured, you cant reveal anything about me that no one already knows. you cant tell others why i feel this way, because i never told you. you cant tell others the end result, because i never trusted you enough. all you have, is a name. and as long as i protect the bearer to that name, there's nothing anyone can do about it.

my life has literally turned into a war movie.. where everything seems like a battle to me.. each battle i fought, ive come out better. but this battle... when my battle plan is leaked out to the enemy.. can i still possibly salvage it? sure i can change the plan, i can make the enemy think i did. but in the end he might not have believed.

my life's been thrown into a battle zone, one which i fight from afar. one which i intend to win. no matter the consequences.

so when you look at your hands, at the knife you stabbed deep into my back.. remember this... my back is scarred with the remnants of many knives, but my hands, my hands are stained with the blood of many, blood that i know is not my own. because the only one retribution that i believe in for backstabbers is a simple and promising plan: revenge.

if you cant keep my secret. i no longer see the need to keep yours for you.

you messed with the wrong girl this time.

my mind is settled.

my brain convinced.

my body agrees,

BUT!

my heart still refuses to listen. and that's usually the part i listen to. its stupid, its ridiculous, and yet i know im not going to give up. im just afraid that my imagination is starting to play tricks on me, and that i'm falling into a pithole. ive dug a shallow grave once, and now my imagination is digging a deeper one, giving me memories of things that i knew never happened.

the fine line between my fantasy and my reality is starting to warp, until i know there is going to be one day, one fine day, i will end up believing it. because i can no longer differentiate what's a memory and what's just a fantasy.

and if i cant stop it soon, if i dont stop my imaginations, if i cant darken and straighten that line out... soon, i will have really plunged into my own world, where only i exist, where only my imagination gives me what i want. its scary, because now every memory i have, i have to think... is this really a memory?

thinking back to japan... thinking of going back... its going to bring back even more memories, even more painful memories. it's going to hurt going back. and i know it will. too many happy memories were made there... even memories that i had imagined. too many.

but even if it will hurt, i have to go back. because something tells me there's something for me there. i need to go back because i need to know something.

my heart feels heavy now.. because its broken into so many pieces that i cant pick up even if i watned to. because its broken and torn into a million shards, many of which have faded into the ground.

ive lost my sanity, my humanity. im living on my imagination, my memories. because those are the happy times. i dont see a light shining ahead of me... i want to go back and stop time, and play those scenes over and over again. even thinking back brings the long-lost smile back to my face.

in front, i see darkness. behind, i feel the warmth. i want the past back.

but i know, no matter how hard i want it, i cant have it.

i can only have it in my imagination. but with each lie, with each imagination, everything seems so real.. i really dont know what's real and what's not anymore...

am i really here? am i really existing? or is that just an illusion too?

the more i think about it... the more my life seems to sink into my own illusions.

ive dug a deep hole. and this time, i dont think i can come out that easily. the hole's too deep to jump out.

this time.. this time... i've killed myself. i've killed my physical self so that i could live in an illusion.. because my illusions are now the only place where i can continue to exist, and continue to dream. this body is no longer mine: they're just a puppet of my now eternal illusion.

appropriate blog add, now that i think about it...

You really never realise the time passing by. All you can do is look forward, and hope that everything will be okay. You never fail to notice the time, because it alawys moves. It’s already Wednesday, and yet I feel like I’m stuck in yesterday. Recently I had found the time somewhere to do a lot of thinking… I can’t call it profound thinking, but I’ve understood quite a lot of things. The fact that during this period of internship, I don’t miss certain people. Proves to me that I can forget them, that I can live without them.

No, before you ask me, I’m not talking about him. I’m talking about the hypocrites I can call classmates, those that at this point in time somehow make merry with the rest. Somehow, they could forget the past, forget the past 2 years. Well, I can’t. and I never will.

Yesterday I had the chance to talk to Desmond (yes my ex Desmond). He hasn’t really changed much, except for his craving for Naruto which at this point in time is stronger than my own. I ugess I just don’t have the energy to watch anything anymore. Working in mediacorp is fun, but tiring. Although its rewarding, I cant deny that it’s very tiring. Each day I get up, and by the end of the day I’m ready to go to bed. I can even forgo MSN every few days.

Like I said, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I have come to a conclusion: I’ve changed. So many factors in my life have not, rather it is me. Gone were the days that I could fully be happy… for some reason I’m constantly brooding about things nowadays.

Thank goodness I can get my mind off these crap when I’m working.

Oh yeah.. congrates to sam, who did very well for his project presentation. You couldn’t have done it without me xD hahaha.

My parents have said that now, children no longer need typing lessons. And I guess its true. Technology has played that big a part in our lives that its no longer necessary. It’s more prominent at work, when you see people from various walks of life, you realise how much your past helps you become who you are today… in my case… a very very emo person. But not to the extent of suicide. Not yet anyway.

I love the group of people I’m working with. Liting, who helps me with everything… Grace who’s funny and cheerful all the time… Benny, my damn cool boss… Selena… my witty and happy-go-lucky contact person… as well as the others whom I haven’t gotten much chance to work with yet… azril… who showed me the web team, and constantly asks me to burn things for him xD … and finally Pam… who I don’t know much because i haven’t gotten a chance to work with her yet…

Then also there’s my lunch buddies… Joachim, jeremiah and Olivia…

But all in all, I still miss SP a hell load… the people I want to see there… the people I already am starting to miss… especially my clubhouse! Haii.. I miss SP so damn much.

its a good thing im so tired recently. because now that i am, i dont have time to think about anything. when i come home, instead of simply checking if he's online... i've lost the interest to talk because i know i need to go off soon.

even my sats are packed full until i feel like crap.

i dont want to think about him anymore. i dont want to bother anymore. because there's nothing more. there never was. its now more obvious than ever.

oh well.

i need sleep. the lack of sleep is making me very very emo. and ive been told im not always so emo. apparently there was a point in time i was happy. just cant seem to remember that time...

is it wrong to feel happy over others' misery? knowing that you, at this point in time, are better off?

im not even talking about friends, or work, or anything of that sort. recently a man has been shouting curse words below my flat... i believe its abuse of some sort. guess it really made me think that at least.. i dont have an abusive family. yes im self-abusive, thats one thing... but family? at least at home, in my room, i feel safe.

its like, i imagine if i were on the receiving end of all those words... i probably would have broken down. thats how fights start. but i guess, if that were the case, id probably be stronger than i am now. maybe that would have been better.

recently i guess you can say im feeling a little.. confused. what with everything going on here and there. its not a matter of priority... but i find myself unable to control my thoughts. we're drifting away, i know that for a fact, and yet.. I DONT KNOW. GRR! damn im pissed with myself.

it hurts more than any painkiller can relief. i really need pain to counter my pain. and once again ive started on the road to no return. damn me. i hate myself.

im an idiot. because of my lovely soft heartedness, im back to standing on the pipeline beside the cliff.

ah well beats falling over the cliff.

dont say things that you dont mean. dont give me empty promises, hoping that i didnt mean a single word. dont give me empty promises, thinking that i wont do it, or cant.

because now that ive told you i want to.. now you tell me i cant. those words you said 2 months ago.. what were they? happy lies? words you said to make me feel happy just for that minute, thinking that there was hope? or words that you said to make the pain less significant, hoping that i would forget and move on?

because the pain is now more significant than ever.

you gave me hope, you gave me the chance to think that it wasn't over, that i would defninitely see her again. u gave me the strength to save and scrimp on my money, hoping that one day i would have enough to go back. every day now ive listened to itsumademo, and told myself that one day i'll be with yuka again.

now the pain's come back, and its come back at thrice the level. the penknife has been left there too long, and now the pain's back and its much worse.

the false hope you've given me for two months, it made me happy. and now, you tell me you've lied to me. never again.

never will i listen to each word that you say, and make myself believe that there was hope. because there never was.

i told you 2 months ago i was probably going back, you said okay. even when you knew it was probably just 3 guys, and me and another girl. now its 2 other girls, one of which knows the place quite well.

every argument u said, i could counter you. but you were never satisfied with the answer. and since you cant live with the answer i can give you, i wont give you anymore.

thats it. im going on a strike. both to save money, and both to remind me of what's happened.

im not going on this strike so you'd let me go. thats already passed. im going on this strike because u lied to me and because you gave me false hope. im going on this strike, because i've lost all respect for you.

if i didnt remind you of my allowance, heck you'd probably forget about it anyway.

each time i look, the penknife is starting to look more and more tempting, and yet im pushing it away. i wonder how long more can i continue to resist.

you claim you understand, but do you really? the only people who understand this urge to go back are those who've been there. have you?

i told you, they hosted me, they've seen me for 12 days. i need to go back.

you rebutted that you've been looking after me for 19 years.

but you dont undetstand... they're not my family. they have no obligation to look after me. you dont understand their culture... no one ever does until they've even been under an exchange programme. its true, no singapore family can offer that to me. japanese, though they rarely open their house to others, opened it to me, a complete stranger.

i will earn that 4k. i will prove you wrong. i will show u.. i have the money. i can go. and that the only thing that's stopping me, is not your word, but the fact that you're holding on to my passport.

i hate you. i hate you for lying to me. i hate you for giving me hope. and now, i cant even get myself to respect you anymore.


DONT EVER GIVE ME FALSE HOPE AGAIN. i will choose never to let you give me hope again. because i choose never to listen to you. because i choose never to talk to you ever again.

hmm. i dont have much time left. i still havent asked my parents yet.. im counting the money right about now xD.

lets see..
17 weeks.. hmm.. if each week i save.. 30.. that makes it... 520.

+ money from cny.. which is about another $300.

+ internship = 1500

which means total i hit 2320. obviously this means i will need to borrow money.

i hope my parents are okay with it... seems fun to be meeting the miya girls again.. fun to be touring around kanazawa with me as a tour guide.

=p now comes the logistics.. checking of prices.. tour agencies.. etcetc.

hai just came back for a while for my mediacorp event. hahahaha. ^^ it was damn fun, but now i have no voice.

basically i spent the day shouting at people (nicely, of course), to tell them why we were there.. to promote the HERO thingy for mcs.

we managed to finish it before the allocated 2 hours.. and headed back. i met kisagari-kun... spent some time watching a movie, playing DDR (yes my legs are still v pain)... and some other weirdo stuff. was fun...

kisagari-kun gave me a tiny plush kitty... which i named kiryuu.. no idea why. it looks nothing like a dragon. oh well. im pretty much very tired now...

still confused about a lot of things.. but i'll slowly work it out.

the other interns at mediacorp are quite nice.. and funny in a certain way...

liting is the girl whom i love the most.. haha she's always helping me out with things. xD hahaha. she has taught me quite a bit.

joachim (as i now know how its spelt).. is very blur. based on yesterday's email incident i have concluded that.

jeremiah (as i finally remembered his name)... has... a little of hiryuu-kun's character. not the "ADIDAS" part... the other parts. i shall not elaborate.

as for audre, i dont know him that well, and he doesnt seem to recognise me either xD hahahaha.

olivia, ive learnt quite a bit about her.. and about other cohort-mates. cant say much about that...

ok i really got to go to bed. too damn sleepy.

today liting didnt come to work.. so it was just me and joachim.. hahaha. i learnt some stuff from him today.. talked to him a little. quite a fun guy lol.

joachim damn lame... he ask me to send him the email webpage... and told me to email it to him... apparently he forgot that he had to access the EMAIL, he needed the webpage. so in the end he came to my table to get it LOL! weirdo. ahaha. but damn funny la.

then did some talking with kisagari-kun... apparently we talked over an hour... and im going to meet him tomorrow. my first online meeting hahaha.

tomorrow is mediacorp event. sounds fun. need to wake up early tomorrow though.. xD hahahaha.

met fufu chan quite a few times recently. =P havent seen the rest either.

there's a lot of planning that has to be done.. time coordination, transport coordination. even money coordination LOL.

its a lot of work to be done, but hell it has to be done.

i hate myself now. i hate myself for planning all these.

crap. but i need to go back.

i need to.

i have to.

TIME TO BRUSH UP ON JAPANESE!!!





p.s. now you know how its like being me. now you know how much i hate you. know you know... karma!

yes i koped this from きさがり kun. was damn bored. deepavali. XD

Pick five anime series, assort them randomly and then answer the questions. If you're going to do this meme, try not to look at the questions before you decide the ranks!

1. Witch Hunter Robin
   
2. DN Angel
   
3. Fushigi Yuugi
   
4. Death Note
   
5. Initial D
   

1. Which is your favorite series from your list? And why?

probably Initial D bah.. firstly because 高橋りょうすけ　and　高橋けいすけ are my idols, secondly its very energetic and refreshing to watch

2. If you were to pair two characters from 1 and 4, who would they be?
L and Robin. L would be very intrigued by Robin's power, and they can match their brain power against each other.

3. What is one thing you'd like to change about 3's plotline?
The ending. Seiryuu seishi were under talked, and too easily killed. (PLS LA. SUBOSHI NOT THAT PATHETIC DE CAN!)

4. If both main characters of 2 and 5 were falling off a cliff, which one would you save?
DNAngel's Daisuke can easily turn into Dark.. Dark has wings. plus daisuke got wings in the end. he can fly. no problem. initial d's takumi though.. probably will save him. for the sake of project D. if not they have no downhill specialist.

5. Which event was the most horrible for you in 1?
The very anti-climax Amon. I cant stand emo characters.

6. Which is your least favorite character of 2?
Risa. She's too whiny.

7. If the antagonist of 3 were to rape the main character of 1, what would you do?
Nakago. Quite possibly Robin. He nearly raped Miaka anyway.. probably he thinks he can seal the demon in Robin too~

8. What song reminds you of 5?
Techno. they play that down the races all the time. Very suiting to the tempo of the race. Without the techno music, Initial D has no pick.

9. Of 1, 3, and 5, which is the easiest to think about?
Initial D... think about the races, how to improve them, spot the potential probabilities.. not Fushigi Yuugi because i get damn pissed whenever i see Miaka's face and how they portrayed Seiryuu as a pathetic loss.

10. Are the protagonists of 2 and 4 similar?
2 and 4... Daisuke (Dark) vs Light? LOL. aside from the common interest in their names, they have nothing in common. Daisuke is a brainless kid that whines a lot (imagine a female usagi)... and Light is an evil genius. NOT SIMILAR AT ALL!



i dont see the point of this quiz, really.. =X i thought it would be fun. stupid! LOL

my schedule's looking kinda packed recently.. hahaha. what with one thing and another.

work, dance performances, meeting friends... hahaha. i love the life i live now. mediacorp's starting to get a little busy, but i love the place more than ever now.

im back on an emotional roller coaster ride, and i dont know how to get off. people i dont know are comforting me, and they make me feel a lot better.

the guys are busy now.. or i'd hold another gathering. heck im busy too... hahahaha. nevermind i shall find some time to hold another gathering somewhere..

suddenly im looking up all the friends i lost.. the friends i made in the past...


i cant wait for sat's event! (though i wont say much because im afraid of saying too much! xD hahaha)

still trying to think of that guy's name... hmmmm...

goodbye mr low. first it was mrs lim leaving, now its you. oddly enough, i've managed to meet you quite a few times as well.. once during LTC.. once during Kanazawa. each time overseas, each time in different countries.

you leaving will change the way the school is run , and although im sure mr harry tan will be a good principal, i will miss you as well.

i had deeply wanted to go for the farewell celebration, but i couldn't.. =( stupid internship.

oh well. i'll miss the way SP was under your reign.

its just not the same anymore...

cant forget.

and yet forcing myself not to remember.

it hurts.

because i dont have an answer.

because im still looking for it.

because i dont want to, because i cant... give up.

i dont want to.


~~

on the high side, ive made a few friends at mediacorp. funnily, we're all interns! yiting and wei sheng from NP... joaquim and andrey (dunno hw to spell) from NYP. nice guys all of them. =)

today's depressing topic: freedom.

is having a curfew honestly make you feel restricted? it does to me. knowing i have to report everything 3 days before hand... its like club activities all over again.

they care, i know. they love me, i know. but is it really what's bothering me?

since i was young i could never have the freedom i wanted. i understood then: i was sick. that i could understand. but now.. how does that explain now?

this feeling im feeling, i cant quite place it. its a mix of everything.

i think i need some time to think through things... and i guess i have to do it alone...

why is there any need to think? got think to think about meh?

that's what she said... ^^ i hate it. she doubts every word i say.

くるしい　だから。

just finished internship. damn cool. i love working there! its not even like working.. its quite fun actually..

all i got to say is... through the three years... thank you for making life easy for me now. because of all the stress that you've put me through, all the stress and the pain..the sleepless nights that we went through, work now is like a charm. its not even like i'm working! and i met the best people too...

yiting from NP.. who's also an intern... in fact i spent my lunch with all the interns... im sorry but right now i cant remember their names.. xD

there was... yiting and another guy from NP... two guys from NYP... and of course me and olivia from SP. 3 guys and 3 girls. damn funny.

got to love working at mediacorp. thought it was going to be stress... but for now i really love the place!

thank you to all who consoled me. especially アロイ -kun and hiryuu-kun. i figured out what's wrong. thank you fufu-chan too, for tarot-ing for me. its quite accurate if its what i think it is...

last night i was thinking to myself of a number i couldn't place.

today i decided, just now, to message that unknown number, and see if i got a reply. and i did.

guess who it was?

desmond. no not the one i recently met from Citibank. the desmond from year 1, currently in NP. yes, my ex boyfriend desmond. =X i dont know why, but suddenly recalling his number reminded me how much i couldn't forget him at one point, and now i cant wait to forget.

went out with fufu-chan today to get my printed works.. said it would rain and it did. said it wont rain at my house, and it didn't. i no longer care for coincidences... as fufu said... something about loneliness, about cynism and something else. made me realise for this case at least, it makes sense.

tomorrow internship begins. i really cant wait.

p.s. ありがとう　ね、　アロイ　くん。　でんわ　を　話して。。　ほんと　に　ありがとう。

im not worried about it anymore. in fact, i'll take the opportunity to do what i intended to do. the fact that im right makes me slightly more confident in moving my plans forward.

p.s.s. for some reason andrew found my friendster. yes, JCC president andrew. no idea how, dont wanna know. he looks skinnier in photogrpahs than in real life xD hahahahaa. no offence.

have you ever had the funny feeling, of not knowing what the hell is going on.. ever since yesterday i begun to have a bad feeling.. a feeling so bad i couldn't eat nor sleep. and up to now im still tired: but that feeling is still there. i dont feel its right to leave the house.. and at the same time i dont feel its right to leave the house.

i believe in 6th sense, and i have always had quite an accurate 6th sense when it counts for it. and the feelings now that im feeling is a very bad feeling... something i know i'll regret knowing when it comes.

i hope nothing goes wrong..

okay.. first let me point out that this entry MIGHT be a little... colorful for your tastes. and let me say that I USUALLY DO NOT TALK ABOUT THIS KIND OF HENTAI THINGS ON MY BLOG!!!

but please bear with me... there's a purpose to the entire thing.

firstly, let me do some background information. we had a mini miyazaki gathering today.. really last minute. i wasnt even supposed to be out of the house!!!! but nevermind... my parents decided to let me out in the end.. because i missed them sooo much!

so before i left the h0use.. i had a feeling i should be wearing shoes.. because i had a feeling wearing boots was a bad idea. vaguely recalled thinking that it would break. but i decided not to care.

so i was with sarin and fufu... then we actually planned to return money de la... then we ended up eating at AJI TEI. OKAY THE FOOD THERE IS HORRIBLE. the portions have shrunk, and not to mention their "so called warm" kind of deserts are SOFT. is mochi supposed to be as soft as chinese kueh? I DONT THINK SO! and we complained.. worse still.. they thought we assumed its expired. which we didnt. NEVERMIND.

we went to eat dango after that.. not full... and the DAMN DANGO WAS SWEET!!! okay the soy sauce masked the taste, but the pure dango ball had a sweetener.. -.- even the japanese food in singapore has to be... modified to fit our tastebuds.. OH WELL!!! once again.. NEVERMIND!

fufu and i then took a short detour to find ping! haha we saw some of our classmates there, but we left soon after. the trio then headed to shaw.. where we bought a variety of food that we knew could be found in japan... damn thinking about it made me think of yuka... i bought that milk tea that hiryuu-kun, joe-kun and i shared during Kanazawa (on the last day of the trip, with the spaghetti)... then we bought the 95yen CHEESE!!! WOOO! I LOVE THE CHEESE (and incidentally, so does yuka)...

after that.. we got a little tired.. so the trio went to wheelock to sit. AND THERE BEGINS ALL THE ODDNESS.

first we were talking about random stuff, (miyazaki, kanazawa... colin, heidi...) doing random stuff. the topic moved on to saya from KTC.. about how poor アロイ-kun was then traumatised by the flashing... then suddenly from nowhere this girl runs across from where i was staring at. OKAY firstly her skirt was damn short. not the point. it was flowy. therefore when running, skirt goes UP! ok nevermind. fufu made a comment about how hiryuu-kun was influencing me. xD its not true la.... just so happen that she was running where i was staring ma... not my fault!!!

after that... we started talking more abt kanazawa... then headed on to... where was it... hm.. i think... far east. there.. we saw very weird things.. such as "army gang" and not to mention other funny clothes that reminded us of a certain classmate.

we then wanted some dinner.. so headed over to.. subway. THATS when the scary part started. OKAY IM INNOCENT HERE!!! anyway, i headed to subway, and we ordered. silly fufu decided to sit next to the queue... where let me say first.. there was a ledge.

not bad enough.

i wanted to sit with fufu, facing AWAY from the queue, but on the other side, was this KINDA plump woman, with half a butt sticking out of her pants. that sight really made me lose my stomach.. so i changed place. ended up being me FACING the queue.

then a number of things happened in that one hour.

FIRST... a girl attempts to sit on the ledge. TOTALLY exposing herself. NOT BAD ENOUGH... she was wearing.. never mind that one a little too much for me to say..

THEN.. another girl... courting danger one she.. open her legs like damn big la. okay NEVERMIND.

by then my mind was seriously reeling with all the "Sights" i did not want to see in a day. then i made a general comment.

"wahhh. today damn weird leh. every time we talk abt this kind of thing, once i look up from my food, i see it. a bit too accurate la..."

then fufu said "aya... u really too influenced by hiryuu-kun le la..."

me: "NO LOR! THEY WANT TO SHOW ME ONE LOR! not my fault im sitting here la! wa... if i see him today.. really mark the end of my suay and accurate day."

sarin-san: "not so qiao wan la... if really like that.. must buy TOTO sia..."

so okay. we ate finish.. decided to walk back to far east and cross to the DFS shop for fun.

just before i took the escalator up... i heard...

"WEI! XIAO QIANG!" it wasnt the words that caught my attention. it was the voice.

Shit. not that coincidental bah? i turn around. wa. sure enough. less than 10 minutes after i said that... i really met hiryuu-kun... something is really weird about today.

i vaguely remembered telling him something abt "you really marked the end of my suay day"... NOT BAD ENOUGH.

i msged xiu to tell her abt the COINCIDENCE.. and she never replied. found it was odd.. then i said to myself.. "haha. maybe she lost her HP..." and SHE JUST TOLD ME SHE LOST IT! OMG shit la. i think i made her lose it. i shall shut up for the rest of the day... but ANYWAY...

when we hit DFS... okay that was fine.. until my sole nearly broke off! OMG REALLY SOMETHING TOO ACCURATE ABOUT EVERYTHING I SAID TODAAY.


in the end.. fufu and sarin said they would buy toto... or 4D... hahahaha.

apart from the major coincidences and the funny things we talked about, i miss having them around... =( miss all the other girls too... heidi, xinyi, xiaoran, shuet ni, christina, even the guys nicholas and clement. miyazaki rios still maintain that strong bond that i fear even 19th MILE doesnt have. ah well....

we thrashed a lot of things today. and its damn scary. too many coincidences.. im psychic today.. >.< DAMMMNNN SCARY.


ok end of long long post. sorry if i grossed u out. be glad i didnt write the worst part (would be what's under the 1st girls' skirt. its not my fault. it was damn obvious)

Harry Potter truly never ends, through the entire story. You'd think that at any time, Harry Potter will end. But the truth is undeniable: harry potter has become a part of our generation, and a part of our lives. even to J.K. Rowling... its obvious she hasnt let the world of Harry Potter go either... just look at this article!

LONDON - J.K. Rowling has completed her first book not to feature teen wizard Harry Potter an illustrated collection of magical fairy stories titled "The Tales of Beedle the Bard."

Only seven copies of the book are being printed, Rowling said Thursday. One will be auctioned next month to raise money for a children's charity, while the others have been given away as gifts.

Rowling drew the illustrations herself and provided the handwriting for the five stories that make up the collection of fairytales.

"The Tales of Beedle the Bard" is mentioned in the final Potter book, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," as a gift left by headmaster Albus Dumbledore to Harry's friend Hermione, and provides clues that help destroy evil Lord Voldemort.

"'The Tales of Beedle the Bard' is really a distillation of the themes found in the Harry Potter books, and writing it has been the most wonderful way to say goodbye to a world I have loved and lived in for 17 years," Rowling said in a statement.

The volume, bound in brown morocco leather and mounted with silver and semiprecious stones, will be auctioned at Sotheby's on Dec. 13 with a starting price of $62,000. Proceeds will go to The Children's Voice, a charity that helps vulnerable children across Europe.

"Deathly Hallows," the seventh and final installment in Harry's adventures, was published in July. The seven books have sold nearly 400 million copies and have been translated into 64 languages.

Rowling told the British Broadcasting Corp. that the book of fairytales had helped her say goodbye to Harry's world.

"It's not about Harry, Ron and Hermione, but it comes from that world," she told BBC radio in an interview broadcast Thursday. "So it's been therapeutic in a way."

Rowling said she was working on a new book, "a half-finished book for children that I think will probably be the next thing I publish."

On Wednesday, Rowling and the makers of the Harry Potter movies filed a lawsuit against RDR Books, a small U.S. publisher that plans to bring out a companion volume based on the Harry Potter Lexicon fan Web site.

Rowling has said she plans to produce her own encyclopedia of the wizarding world and says the book would infringe on her intellectual property rights.

How i would love to get my hands on one of those copies... =)