I just talked to my indirect supervisor, Benny Soh, yesterday (or the day before). And then he said something that made me do some research. He had just said that his name was on www.imbd.com. Honestly at that time I wasn’t surprised.. I felt like he was a guy that probably did some directing at some point in time… but what I didn’t realise was that he was an actor for… “The Maid”. That triggered many memories back to me.

The Maid was the one movie that I was supposed to catch with my ex boyfriend Desmond, had he not caught the chicken pox.

Guess many things have changed, and yet I chose to remember these details, these tiny details like what he wore the first time we met, what time, what day, what hour we broke up. What exactly happened when we did, how I cried for days, and ate nothing but panadol for a whole day.

And oddly enough, when KF and I broke up, I felt… strange to say, nothing. Something inside told me there was nothing for me to feel. No tears, no break down, no pain. Heck instead of popping panadols, I could even go out with the girls, and meet hiryuu-kun afterwards that very night. *really doesn’t seem like me, does it?* I think I lost some part of myself that I’m still trying to find…

Am I still human? Do I still have my feelings? Am I still myself? Have I really changed that much?People would tell me to forget, to let everything go and move on. But what no one seems to understand is that I don’t have the concept of forgetting. I can never forget anything like this. I don’t have the concept for forgetting and moving on: I will force myself to remember, because those memories mean something to me. Even if it was over, even if it never began, I wanted to remember it, so that I knew that at least I knew my whole life: and not block out half of it because I didn’t want to see it, or didn’t dare to face it. I don’t want to live a lie.
I guess its because I can never forget, that I feel I don’t know how to react when others do. My friends all have managed to at one point in time, move on and forget about the bitter grudge that we held for 2 years… at one point all of them were willing to, I think, give it another shot. Heck, they allowed themselves to be in the same picture as them.

Before I say anything further, I’m not blaming any one of you: you have the choice to your own opinion and actions. You don’t have to answer to me. This is just how I feel.

I honestly don’t care what your reasons or excuses are: whether its because its just the last day of school, whether its because of accompanying someone else, or even if, you just want to forget and move on as a class. I honestly don’t care about your reason, and all the more you don’t have to care about me feeling this way. It’s just a personal opinion. You don’t have to explain it to me, or to make me understand, make sure I’m not upset. I’m not the kind to break up a friendship with someone just because that someone is friends with my enemy. I am not that shallow. But… because of that, it is because of all those feelings, those memories, that all the more I don’t want a part of this. I don’t want a part of this hypocrisy that’s happening here right now.

Chiaki once said that I’m one who treasures relationships and friendships more than anything else, and to an extent its true. I’m not one to forget anything, I won’t allow myself to. Because of that I cannot let grudges go. Because every time I think about it, I feel that hatred all over again, as though it were Day 1. my memory enable me to never forget who I’m indebted to, and who I’m not. Friends will forever remain friends, and enemies will never cross that line.
All the more I feel that memories so strong, memories so powerful I cannot forget, and now there’s just one memory left. One precious memory left in my mind that I will never give up. Because that memory is my treasure, because that memory is all I have left. It may have been simple, just a simple memory that no one would understand, but as long as I remembered that memory, I would be happy.
Many of you have told me to forget and move on, to let go. But I won’t, because I can’t. I don’t believe in forgetting anything. I’d rather remember the bad things, than forget the good things that happened to me. Heck, remembering the bad things help me remember why I became who I am today.

It’s strange how one sentence like “you can find me on imbd.com” can strike up this entire strand of thought into my head. I guess with the backstabber on my back I really can no longer bother to keep it in.

I’ve gotten more and more addicted to M.o.v.e. again, because I somehow feel that their song lyrics apply very much to my emotions now, and the music and beat reflect how I feel.


Painless Pain – M.O.V.E.

映像の中の傷負った少女 虚ろにひらいた瞳
eizou no naka no kizu otta shoujo　utsuro ni hiraita hitomi
A girl in the mirror, covered in scars, eyes staring blankly

ただ僕は黙ってた ざわついた気持 持て余すように
tada boku wa damatteta　zawatsuita kimochi　moteamasu youni
I couldn't say a thing as the noisy emotions overwhelmed me


そうNOでもYESでもない アイマイな未来へと
sou NO demo YES demo nai　AIMAIna mirai e to
Without a "Yes" or a "No," we live for an unclear future

なぜメッセンジャーは叫び続ける
naze MESSENJA- wa sakebi tsudzukeru
Why does the messenger continue calling out?


Oh, We don't even know just where we are right now


*その愛も願いも叶えてみたいならBreak it up もっと上行きな
*sono ai mo negai mo kanaete mitai nara Break it up　motto ue ikina
If you want to try making your dreams come true, break it up, keep going higher

そうさ代弁者はいらない キミにダイレクトで伝えたい
sou sa daibensha wa iranai　KIMI ni DAIREKUTO de tsutaetai
Yeah, I don't need a spokesman, I want to tell you directly

その愛も願いも叶えてみたいならBreak it up もっと上行きな
sono ai mo negai mo kanaete mitai nara Break it up　motto ue ikina
If you want to try making your dreams come true, break it up, keep going higher

なんのテクニックさえも要らない ココロをあつめてカッ飛ばす
nan no TEKUNIKKU sae mo iranai　KOKORO o atsumete KATtobasu
I don't need any technique to knock out your heart

**Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain?

大切なモノを守れるように
taisetsuna MONO o mamoreru you ni
The love and reality around me cry out

Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain?

ここにある愛とリアルが叫ぶ
koko ni aru ai to RIARU ga sakebu
So that I can protect what's precious to me

Painless PAIN

***Can you feel the pain? TVを眉ひそめ見るだけ
***Can you feel the pain?　TV o mayu hisome miru dake
***Can you feel the pain? Only watching TV to frown on it

どこかで誰か生きる為 叫んでいることをただ知るだけ
doko ka de dare ka ikiru tame　sakende iru koto o tada shiru dake
Only knowing the words shouted so that someone, somewhere can live

後ろ指さされないように サイレントマジョリティー お手本どおり
ushiro yubi sasarenai you ni　SAIRENTO MAJORITI-　o-tehon doori
Conforming to the silent majority so that no one points fingers behind your back

またほらこんなアイロニー 無情感だけでも伝えたいのに
mata hora konna AIRONI-　mujoukan dake demo tsutaetai no ni
Look at this irony: You have no emotions, yet you want to express them

無邪気な子供達は 透きとおる目をしてる
mujakina kodomo-tachi wa　sukitooru me o shite'ru
So that my feelings can show through

そうキモチを映しだすように
sou KIMOCHI o utsushidasu you ni
As in the clear eyes of innocent children

Yes, Something that I really wanna feel is love

* repeat

Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain?

いつまでもキミと向き合えるように
itsumade mo KIMI to mukiaeru you ni
I don't want to lose the honest things

Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain?

まっすぐなモノを無くしたくない
massuguna MONO o nakushitakunai
So that we can always face each other openly

Painless PAIN

It's coming again, oh, like a life in chain,
Can you see her try? Trying not to cry.
Can you feel it? feel it?

痛覚のない群れの中核 目の前にガレキの遊郭
tsuukaku no nai mure no chuukaku　me no mae ni GAREKI no yuukaku
The core of a crowd without a sense of pain; a run-down red light district before me

一滴ほどの自由が 買えるかどうかの通貨
itteki hodo no jiyuu ga　kaeru ka dou ka no tsuuka
Could currency buy you a drop of freedom?

僕達はこの地球以外 どこにも生きる場所はない
boku-tachi wa kono hoshichuu igai　doko ni mo ikiru basho wa nai
There's nowhere else we can live but on this Earth

そうそんなことを何故か 実感できないまま
sou sonna koto o naze ka　jikkan dekinai mama
For some reason, we just can't realize those things

Come on, let me touch your Painless PAIN

** repeat

*** repeat


Painless... Painless...


As I even type this I strongly consider what my next step should be. I’m relating very well to this song… I guess maybe that’s why I love M.O.V.E so much, because for some reason their lyrics speak more than just words to me. I hate what I have become. I hate who they see me as now. I’ve changed so much even I can no longer recognize that girl in the mirror. I hate myself for who I have become.

Kisagari-kun once mentioned that I didn’t use to be like this. I used to be happy and carefree, always laughing. When now, it’s hard just to get a smiley face from me. Have I really changed that much? I have known him for less than 1 year. So the excuse “everyone changes” doesn’t apply. No one changes that quickly. Am I changing for a purpose, or are my surroundings moulding me into this girl I’m beginning to hate? At least now I know why I feel so suicidal recently: I want to kill the girl I’ve become. I don’t want to be this girl. But I have no choice. Because my past forbids me to become the girl I used to be. Because of what’s been happening, everything piles on top of one another, until I find myself stressing away, trying not to revive the assassin in me. *p.s. that’s just a figure of speech* I don’t want her to awaken, because once she does, I’m finding it harder and harder to take her back. Simply because I can no longer just ignore what she does, because no longer can I fight what she does. Because more and more I find myself allowing her to do what she does best, and I end up letting her take control.