white noise

one day i will record the white noise in my office. and then you can imagine the distractions here. right now even blasting music at full volume on my computer into my headphones isnt drowning out the white noise. SIGH.

sun/moon combi

phyphy did this for me.. sounds pretty accurate.

Sun in Libra/Moon in Cancer

The combination of your Libra Sun and Cancer Moon produces an idealist bent on finding romantic adventure. You are a deep feeling and understanding person. The emotional balance, courtesy and friendliness of Libra blends well with the depth of feeling, sensitivity and tenacity of Cancer.

There often may be some confusion in your life because what you think and what you "feel" may be at odds(very very true).

It's very difficult for you to decide what to do. Reality and unreality constantly battle for your attention. Very much the idealistic dreamer, you hold yourself somewhat removed from the rest of society (HAHAHA very very true. thusly the illuxionist XD. trying to come back to reality now).

Yet you do like people. You want and need human contact, and you are so consonant that there is some danger people with take advantage of your malleable manner (hmm. matt always says im naive and abit stupid and totally not street smart. so i guess this is true?).

You understand the feelings and moods of others, so you're very skilled at avoiding conflicts and clashes of temperament. (HMMM.. not sure about this. sometimes i feel i wanna get into fights with others just to vent abit of anger off)

This position personifies the ideals of any peace movement as you are a true lover of freedom, justice, equality, and independence (er.... freedom and independence maybe. not so much equality..).

By nature so peaceful and tactful, you will avoid argument and strife if you possibly can. (mmm last time it was true, now it depends on who rubs me the wrong way and severity of it)

You are exceedingly adaptable, taking on the color of your surroundings. You mind your own business and don't impose on the rights of others. You aren't likely to become a fighter for social justice or the rights of the masses because you are not a very assertive person. (definitely agree with the not assertive and not likely to become a fighter. im too lazy.)

Your philosophies are pretty much centered in yourself, a live and let live attitude. Refined tastes and a strong aesthetic sense encourage interest in the artistic things in life. (hmmmmmmmmmmmm... this... i guess is true. not so sure about the "strong aesthetic sense")

can someone gimme an opinion whether this sounds like me? i think it does...

this about sums up how i feel now.

take a breath
take it deep
"calm yourself," he says to me.
"if you play, you play for keeps
take the gun, and count to 3."

im sweating now
moving slow
no time to think
my turn to go

and you can see my heart, beating
you can see it through my chest
that im terrified but im not leaving
i know that i must pass this test
so just pull the trigger

say a prayer
to yourself
he says close your eyes
sometimes it helps
and then i get a scary thought
that he's here, means he's never lost

and you can see my heart beating
you can see it through my chest
that i'm terrified but im not leaving
i know that i must pass this test
so just pull the trigger

as my life flashes before my eyes
im wondering will i ever see another sunrise
so many wont get the chance to say goodbye
but its too late to think of the value of my life.

and you can see my heart beating
you can see it through my chest
that i'm terrified but im not leaving
i know that i must pass this test
so just pull the trigger

goodbye all, TEMPORARILY.

ive finally decided to go on my hiatus. so in case anyone tries to contact me, if you read this: i dont hate you.

The reason why ive decided to go on hiatus is because im beginning to feel that everything is piled on me, and perhaps im taking on too much for me. But being me, i hate to say no and i want to try to help in anyway i can. But i'm starting to feel that everyone is pressuring me into doing something that i feel im holding a major of the weight on.

School work, friends, even at home, i feel like i cant rest at any point without being told that im supposed to be doing something else. so yeah. im going on hiatus. i will not reply SMSes, i will not log on MSN, i will not answer any calls. please dont spam my phone or i'd have to resort to blocking incoming calls until im ready. however, yes i am aware that i still have commitments to carry out.

im holding a lot of things on my own, too much perhaps for me. i wake up with headaches that i cant fight. i cant sleep and i feel like im always on the brink of tears. no matter what songs im listening to (and i blast them at full volume to avoid white noise in the office), im one step away from crying. its not about my relationships or my life anymore. i feel like im one step from breaking down and giving up.

i feel more and more like i want nothing more than to lie in bed and rot and be myself. to let go of all my work-related commitments but we all know i cant do that. i just hate that even when i go online for like 5secs, before i even get a chance to see who's online, i get offline/online messages asking me if ive done whatever it is im supposed to do.

you may say im running away, you may say im hiding from reality. truth is i dont care. if i dont run now, i will really break down.

so please, if you read this. let me go on my hiatus. i'll be back in a month or so. promise.

perseverance: learn from the snail

there are many reasons why i dont enjoy the company of my colleagues. im not talking about my boss, my boss is a nice guy. and thats not because he's a friend of my dad, but because he cares about our welfare.

im going to write a breakdown of the things that i find ridiculous that have happened in the 1month 2 weeks ive been working here.

1. She has pictures of her son printed and pasted on her computer screen. One day i accidentally knocked over a bottle (which had a cap on, but not fastened. why i dont know) and it splashed over her. Note its plain water. I quickly helped her clean it up. den she comes up and tells me i ruined her picture and, in her words, "spoil her things." the said picture is printed using a normal printer which she can always reprint using the company printer (which is how she printed the first one in the first place.) i apologised for it and tried not to think so much about it. but i was quite pissed cos to me its really no big deal wad.

2. she constantly asks me to ask my friend to work harder/play less/talk less etc. she's the superior leh cant she tell her? it makes more impact that way?

3. my friend was fired. i wasnt notified. so my fren came to work today, not knowing she was fired. den my colleague asked "you didn't tell her ah?" WAIT A SECOND. now its my job to inform others' they've been fired? O.O wow. ok la you dont have her number etcetcetc, cannot ask? Hmm...

4. she's always doing her personal things at work.
- calling her own companies to ask whether her cheques have been received by them.
- calling her friends to complain about something someone said in her FB.
- calling her enemies/ex-friends to scold them about what they wrote on FB.
- telling other people about her life story. (and i dont wanna hear again about how she cant sell her 3year old house because of a 5 year grant, and how she has to because of her stupid lawyer who didnt defend her when she was fighting for divorce against her irritating prison-ex-husband.)
- constantly complaining about her boss to everyone who's willing (or forced) to listen.

5. slamming the phone down after quarrelling with whoever is on the line (be it work-clients, or personal-collectors/friends.) the phone is just next to me.

i understand she gets pissed easily and maybe she has a lot on her shoulders and yes im not taking the effort to know her. unfortunately this is work. im not here to make friends. and i dont care if she reads this and decides to flood my mailbox. everything ive written is true and factual. and i have witnesses :) bring it on.

well, there's only one word i have. PERSERVARENCE. and speaking of perserverence, let me lend a nice quote. ^_____^ "By perseverance the snail reached the ark." hahahahha! nice quote hahaha.

~~~

on the other hand, i finally got to meet baby on friday. :D quite a nice quiet night. we went to dhoby to have dinner and just chill. wasn't a lot, but its the first time we've met in over a week :) i really dont realise how much i missed him until i saw him. :P

love babyy :D

forgetful xiuzhi :)

quote of the day: *actually its joke of yesterday*

xiu phy n me were on msn talking about old times and i went to visit their blogs past entries. i copied out a chunk of text from xiu's blog. it went something like this.

Jing: *copies chunk of text, something about chalet*
Xiu: Who Wrote That?
Jing: YOU!

I nearly fainted haha. its like we've written so many painful things about life and each other that i kinda squirm reading about them. but tinking that we made it this far, and right now we dont remember a thing about what happened, or rather what we felt exactly back then, makes me feel like we've grown up..

<3 babyy. sorry i couldnt go out with you today. :( i bought new shoes tho... :X

i am not to be packaged.

i realise for a very long time ive been "packaged" as being part of a whole. never just 1 person. but always 2.

in secondary school i was always the "person next to kristy." the person she looked towards when she needed notes, the person she looked to when she needed a shoulder. and although she's been there for me i remember occasions where teachers would tell me "can you help kristy ...". i didnt understand at that point in time but it was the start of me being packaged as a part of something instead of just myself.

thankfully in poly, i wasn't. i was treated as a whole person. i got to run my own club the way i wanted to, and i got good friends who were willing to put my flaws aside and treat me as a person. yeah we fought a lot and quarrelled, but they still stayed with me no matter what.

den came my uni life. first situation. because i didnt come for the first class, they had alrdy assigned groups to everyone. so me and R ( i shall not put her name here) had no group. R and I were firends from the first module, but we didnt know each other v well. so we joined this group i will call the D group.

D group people knew each other for along time i think they came from the same poly or smth. So the D group let us join as they had oni 4 and need 5-6 members.

During the course of this project, 1 member always wasn't around. That was R. and all of us got very annoyed by it. my included. i didnt know what D group was thinking until the "leader" of D group said "i regret adding you and R to the group. You contribue and ur a + to the group, but R is negative and is a -. So u neutralise each other." im like wtf. u tell that to me in my face. so you would prefer 3 ppl working on 1 project than 4? okkk lor. i swore at that point i wont continue in the same group if i could help it. The next module i joined my current group. WAY better.

den now comes work. K (my sec sch fren) working with me. and im being packaged with her to "help her clean and wash her cups" because she didnt. wtf. her problems are hers and mine are mine. i do work well and all i get is people asking me to tell HER to do it faster. HELLO WE ARE NOT SIAMESE TWINS OK. Thanks.

The oni person i wished to be packaged with is babyy, who seems to have a lot of work and politics on his end, so i dun wanna worry him about these trivial details. it just an annoyance and its not very much a big deal. i just hope babyy can pull through it, because he really likes what he is doing and i dun wan him to give it up just because some asses are being unfair to him. (tho now i think about it, i did those things to him before. when he was telling me, i kept having flashbacks to the things ive done to him. im sorry babyy. im sorry.)

ok finished rant for the day. back to work!

poly days nostalgia...

remember those times.. those stupid times we did really stupid things.

1. 4 idiots that got totally baked by sentosa sun and bought 4 identical tubes of aloe vera gel and went to school applying it everywhere they went. (not forgetting 1 idiot who brought sushi to the picnic. IN MY DEF I DID NOT KNOW IT WAS SUSHI IN THE BOX! hahaha)

2. hand in hand "marching" up the red brick area to class. i think more than once we blocked the entire path.

3. sandy's expensive perfume which she kept spraying at shawn's stinky feet.

4. xiu's amazing sleeping powers. that girl can sleep ANYWHERE.

5. phy always forgetting when her thing comes. and always getting panic attacks and borrowing *STUFF* from us. ESPECIALLY when she's wearing her white pants hahahaha.

6. meiling's *NICE NOT* earrings, 4 quarter jacket and pants during our first abortion presentation. remember how xiu had to FLY through the rest of the presentation just because ml took soooo long talking about baby drops...

7. LEANING TOWER OF PISA! It was a building error! hahahaha. i remember xiu's face when she said that. it was like *EHHH!?*

8. sandy's boooodyshop promotions! i remember i bought alot of weird stuff. including the shimmer musk! I STILL HAVE IT!

9. i remember once xiu got so pissed with that young teacher cos she was linking short skirts to sluttiness or attracting attention or something. hahaha.

10. phy!! who could forget the time they did the play and phy slapped shawn so hard his face turned red. AND not to mention, shawn kicking the chair, hitting the board, and causing the teacher next door to come over and see what was happening!

11. sleepless nights. i remmeber the time we had a 25hr meeting minute. at phy's house. after phy and san fell asleep discussion got halted and xiu and me continued with the report. den jan came online and DEMANDED why we din tell her got meeting, why we not in class etc. we were so angry we all took turns to type on xiu's msn ahahhaa.

12. papaya milkshake. probably sandy's fav drink ever. and speaking of sandy...

13. HOTMAIL TAB! i think this needs no explanation! hehe.

14. anyone remember the hip coconut tree? shawn drew it for our DMD... we din use it in the end though :P

haha just some moments i remember of our weird poly life... :P

ooooooooooooooverview :)

and just after i typed that entry... 2 people were fired from their job. -_____-" i am psychic! hahaha.

i tried sending babyy a e-card T___T but there seems to be some problems with the sending service, not sure if it got thru so i sent him a surprise email too. :X now im kinda hoping he doesnt get the card or it'll seem like the same cos the msg is the same. he may get annoyed that im flooding his mail hehe.

recently i feel very stretched.

home = mind my own money, pack my room, haf to pay mum back for lappie (monthly instalment $150 for a year)

myself = buy new slippers (my slippers are breaking apart!) and shoes (something that i can wear out besides slippers T_T. i spotted a nice pair in AMK but now i cant find it! sob. clothes, but thats a want and that can wait. XD *oh yes and resist the urge to buy acash to wash my NL's HP.*

school = do project. deadline in 1.5 weeks time! and i no time to do research!

work = work work work. must work! resist temptation to take leave if not i have not enuf money to survive me and babyy for the next month!

family = no time for family. no time for anything.

babyy = miss baby. T_T havent seen him in almost a week. ok not really. oh wait. YES its a week! at least i can still see him online :)

friends = have yet to send the video to sandy/phy/xiu. xiu's disturbing me about it but i really have no time to do anything about it. my head's spinning.

i feel like im being stretched in all directions. even a simple comment like "why u dont pick up ur phone de!" from xiu can irritate me at times. i dont pick up because i dont wanna be rushed. i dont wanna be told to do something i dont have the time to do.

i feel like disappearing for a few days. just for myself, just to lie somewhere and relax. no need to check my phones for sms, dun need to ignore phone calls. just... relax. now the oni time i haf to relax is in the nights from 10-12 where i can play game. ok i admit sometimes i play until 2am just because i need the time to relax instead of feeling like my life is mundane.

but on the other hand, my life is way easier den my sis', who i have not seen for days because she's rarely home. she's really bushed with work AND visiting her very lonely friend augustine, who's in hospital. (ok i saw her backside today when she came into my room to open my cupboards for who-knows-what.)

and babyy's really busy too. he's been working so much lately. last night he only got home at 11+ because he had an event to cover. poor babyy. :( hope you get enough sleep kays? :)

phy wont be back until dec, when she grads. means i wont be able to meet her for a year by the time she comes back (cos i din haf time to meet her the last time). :( sad. oh well. hope she decides soon whether she wants to work in aus or come back to sg. (hopes she comes back to sg i miss talking to her on the phone and meeting her more frequently!)

rantrantrant$#(@*#&%@

once again im going to rant.

seriously. 9am you tell me you're ready for work, and bf is going to send you there. so ok i go without you.

11am, i smsed you twice to ask if you're on the way, or if you're not coming. no replies.

1120am, you FINALLY call me and ask me "did you call my house?" so.. you're only worried i **EXPOSED** your truancy, but not worried about skipping work. and now apparently you have diahorea and cant come to work, and you're obviously not at home. uh huh.

look i understand your bf not local u wanna spend time with him. but because of you everyone's pressuring me and asking me where you are. they've even added RULES and regulations in order to keep you in line, and now we're all suffering for it. not you though, you're not here.

for the whole of yesterday i wondered how you're going to deal with the new rules, and now i realised: it wont apply to you, you'd just lie your way through like you've always did.

and once again i ask myself if i can stand all this and maintain our friendship that's as it is dying and fading into darkness.

guys, pls tell me, am i being anal. what would you do in this case? just ignore and forget about it?

^___^

oh and btw, when your boss fires you for "being slow in data entry, and not fit to work in a fast environment", they actually mean "being slow in data entry due to the fact that 99% of the time your data sits there while you spend ur days facebooking and doing who-knows-what." :)