after talking it out with 2/3 of the girls, i feel slightly better. though not less confused, but at least i feel better after knowing i can look towards others for advice, and not keep it to myself.


hai. back to talking to the idiot xD

i have some things i needed to think about. after writing this i'll go away. i need somewhere i can think. i need somewhere where i can be myself, and figure this out. until then, im not coming home. until then, i have nowhere to go.

i need somewhere where i can cry.

i need somewhere where i can be myself.

i need somewhere, or someone, that i can talk to.



i hate myself for who i've become. and because of that, i will always hate myself.

if i cant find the answer, maybe there's only one way out for me.



and if that's the case, then...


goodbye.





im too confused. i hate myself. i hate me.

i havent blogged in quite a long time... my blog suddenly feels superficial to me. i cant even write what i want to write. those who know, you'll understand why. there's no way i can ever write this out in words.

its turning my heart to mush... not in a good way. its not the melting kind of mush. its the destructive kind of mush. not good. definitely not good.

after knowing i cant write that out here, i realise i have nothing else to say. those thoughts have kept me occupied most of the time.

HOWEVER...

i celebrated my birthday with my parents today. we went to this little shop called "The Ship". ate some western food, and then i opened my present. i didnt want to, but my parents made me. they're more interested in opening it than i am.. hmmm.. =p

its cosmetics. the big box is... sorta fake. inside not so big. =p but its cute either way. i can put more things inside. xD hahaha.

im meeting the girls on tuesday. i rather they plan than i did. xD hahahahaha.

feel stupid, blogging, but cant get the main feeling out of my mind. =(

thank you girls for trying to help. both of you have asked me many times. i'll explain on tuesday, promise. i feel maybe its time i tell you girls. maybe you can help me.

im just being stupid. dumb, i know. but i cant help it.

i dont know but recently ive felt like a tornado of feelings. everything happens for a reason, and i guess the result is that i have to bear this alone.

i cant tell anyone: there's no one i can trust with this secret, not anymore. i dont want to be known as a **** or as a *****, or any other word that you can think of, and i know that if i told anyone, ANYONE how i feel right now, those words will haunt me. i just cant bear to let anyone know about it.

there's no one i can confide in. for once when i pick up the phone, or look at my MSN, i dont see anyone that i felt i can confide in... the only one i thought i could, the one i felt i would most probably call, i cant. because it concerns him, because its about him.

ive lost feeling for everything, suddenly i dont want anything anymore. not another relationship, not another feeling. all i want is for all these to disappear. for all these things to leave me alone.

for the past few days ive spent some time talking to aloysius, and ive understood a few things: certain things about fate and life that i cannot avoid.

for a while now ive known when my life will end, where it will and how it will. but knowing how it happens will not make it any easier. homo-sapiens work that way: they want answers to everything.

after talking to him ive understood, that everything happens for a reason, and there's no such thing as controlling my own destiny. actually there is, but controlling it will only give you the same result anyway.. it's not going to make a difference. in a sense we're all lab rats, being tested each step of the way. our death, will ultimately test the final test, and it will be our death that means the most to us. it is in death that we accomplish everything. just like how rats and bunnies have to die so that we could live in the scientifics that they have answered for us.

talking to アロイ also made me realise a few things about life, and even if it doesnt make sense, its the only answer i have, and i'll live with it. it sucks, knowing that everything ive done, everything ive tried to defy what i knew was going to happen, is in fact making it happen that way. its shit, but that's the way it works.

for a long time now ive seen my future, ive seen what im going to become, what my life will be about. i dont know how i'll get there, but i know its true. it gives me satisfaction, at least knowing that i will live (and die) for a purpose i find worth it.

everything that's happening now is falling into place... the final frontier is inevitable.

all this shit is happening to me for a very good reason, and i understand that. i just wish, that im not supposed to bear this secret alone, that i could tell someone with that someone listening to me purely, not telling me what to do or what can be done to salvage the situation.

i dont want to save anything. i dont want to rectify anything. i know its my fault but i dont feel i did anything wrong. its my fault im in this stupid situation in the first place, that i know. but im not going to change it just because i feel it would make me feel better. because i know it wont.

i just want to know how im feeling. i just need to let it out.

im supposed to be the happiest girl in my life around now.

1) i just came back from japan
2) had the time of my life there
3) my birthday is coming
4) i have friends who would stand by me
5) i have the freedom i wanted

but why is it that im not happy? no i dont feel like its because i made the wrong choice: rather i felt that i made my choices too late. im still adjusting. i know it'll take time, and that i will live through it.

but this feeling is making me turn into an empty void of feelings, so much so that ive lost the feeling for everything else.

suddenly i dont know what to live for anymore.

でも。。。　わたし　の　夢　だから。。。　

i wont give up my dream

even if i know its not going to work out in the end...



even if the dream is no longer mine.







im sorry... im sorry to the three ive made promises to. i promised all three of you i wont do the same one thing, and i honestly thought i was going to keep it. forgive me. i promised the three of you, but all three of you are now in my past, all three of you broke me into the tiny pieces im in now.


im sorry for what ive done to myself.

crap. for the first time in my life i feel like swearing.

its all happening again... all over and over again. ive been crying on and off the for past day, knowing that what sucks has happened to me.

it made me do something i promised i would never do. and im sorry to those whom ive promised.

its stupid really. im feeling like i did 2 years ago. alone in this world with nothing else to count on.

my life has always been on an average hi-low situation, but now its gone a low so low i didnt know i could go.

everything's gone wrong. everything's starting to feel like shit now. and worse of all, i cant find someone to turn to: or rather the person i want to talk to is the person i cannot talk to.

im just an empty shell left. nothing's worth anything anymore.

even my birthday has lost its meaning.

there's nothing left for me.

i finally printed my KTC pictures... all 335 of them (AFTER filtering)... sorting them into days now... going to do a scrapbook before internship started... but.... the funny thing is...

when i decided to go to Marine Parade to print photos, i reached and realised that i left my card at home. so i went home to get it... then went back. after going there.. it printed... and i left my card there...

stupid.

luckily i got it back... then i went home... and it was raining. damn cold. colder than miyazaki... but not as cold as hokkaido. DEFINITELY colder than kanazawa...

the worst part: printing the photos reminded me of the times i spent there, which made me miss my host so much... maybe some time when im free i'll filter another one, and send the photographs to her... its cheaper to print in singapore after all... xD

kf im writing this especially because i know you're going to be reading it.

i know you've read the story and i know what you think is going on. NOTHING! if you read it you'll know that he has NOTHING to do with the reason why we ended up this way. certain terms in the story must seem misleading and confusing to you... and knowing you, you'll probably make up a whole list of reasons why after you read this.

what i wrote there, is how i feel now. but how i feel now, has not changed. this is not the reason why we broke up in the first place, and now it will never be. the fact that you read my story doesn't prove anything, and the fact that you know how i feel doesnt mean anything.

its just a term, an inside joke if you will. it doesnt MEAN ANYTHING. clear?

recently ive been writing most of what's happening into a story, for people who dont know me to read. i guess you can say this is because im too confused about what im feeling and i dont know what to do.

i know its not right for me to even be talking like this, but that's exactly why im confused... i really dont know what to do anymore... i really dont... =(

i just feel like typing rubbish, so please bear with me.

im confused about everything... i dont know what's going on anymore. i really dont understand a lot of things, and one thing im never good at is knowing that im on the losing end.

everything's like a roller coaster ride, and there's nothing i can do to stop the ride until it stops on its own.

i dont know.. im really confused right now. i dont even know what to think anymore...

today was an odd day. it started out with me going with xiuxiu to get donuts.. the queue didnt last as long as i thought it would. after that, we sat down at starbucks to have coffee (and her have her donuts). we talked about quite a lot of stuff that involved a weird topic. ^^ so it was no surprise that we ended up laughing and laughing. =p

after which we decided to get a movie. we watched underdog... i myself didnt want anything to do with animated / cartoon movies, but since xiu wanted to, what the heck!!

but it was not a bad show.. though personally i prefer action/adventure show than compared to comedies. BUT! the only thing, as you guys all know, i wont watch a horror film.

after which, we decided to go back home... =p tomorrow school is starting, and i was just getting into the holiday mood. xD but then again ive been in japan for 2 weeks, so i guess that's where my holidays went. as each moment passes and i think of my trip, the more i miss yuka. i miss okaasan, otoosan, even rena and eru. haiii...

well at least i should be glad she's replying me when she has the time... but knowing she has exams, i wouldnt bet too much on it.

some other things are bothering my mind now... but i guess somethings just dont work out.

after looking through a lot of things i realised that ive lost the interest for blogging, the interest to let people know how i feel. i rather tell them face to face: seeking an answer like this is not the way to go.

however!!! i am very sour. =(

just called ms nga. apparently now i got to go for another interview with mediacorp tv, but that's on hold as to whether they like my fact sheet or not.. hm... I DONT WANT TO DO PRODUCTION!!! =( oh well... at least it beats something like advertising or PR... at least it's fun. =p hahaha.

learnt a lot from ppl during the MILE trip... hopefully we can become a group of 12, not 6-6. we are a group after all, not SPSU vs SPSEC, or Japs vs Not Japs, whichever you want. but some hatred and anger has already been buried too long... i only hope its not too late.

about to leave for an interview for Revolutions Press... still no idea what im in for.. guess i'll find out when i get there~

still not sure if my attire will be okay.. but this is advice from xiu... lets hope it works. maybe i should ask ms kwa.. =D

dont worry about me, im fine. thanks for worrying, but im perfectly okay now, better than ever actually. except for the fact that im really really sick now. =p cough, flu, and someone (me) has an interview tomorrow! =P and after that, ANNIVERSARRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! =D yay me!

p.s. i just realised my bday coming soon.. O.o totally forgot! bday bday bday!!! CANT WAIT!

today got me thinking a lot...

recently ive been on a blood lust. well, not exactly. what i crave isnt blood.. its the pain that comes from it... especially recently ive realised that when im upset i tend to claw myself subconsciously. i know it relieves me and all, but a good friend of mine told me to stop it before it'll get worse.

i guess you can say its getting worse, im doing it more often. not with a penknife, but enough for me to see a huge red line on what used to be my near-elbow area.

i guess ive been cranky recently, and ive scared quite a few people. xiuzhi, kf, maybe even roger. haha i wont know. but truth is its made me see the truth behind what i feel... p.s. to xiu, thanks for talking to me today.. everything's fine now. i understand how i feel now.

to all those who've cared about me and adviced me, thank you. because of you guys i got the courage to tell kf what really happened. to my dear, thank you for being there... because you were there... i now feel safer.

its really a matter of perspective, really. i scratch when im pissed or upset. just keep that down and i should be fine. i hope. =)

haha post MILE... many things to do.

firstly, SMRT was a blast man! seeing frustrated people (including shawn) and many funny atheletes made the time all worth while! xiu and i spent a lot of time "unclogging arteries" at AMK hub.. fun fun!

now got to upload pics. GIRLS I NEED TO GIVE U GIFTS!!!

WELL A lot of things have turned up on my doorstep. but first... IM BACKKK!!!! hahahaa. =p im about to head out for SMRT challenge now... thought i should read my email.. LUCKY. apparently im going for an interview soon... for a company called Revolution Press Pte Ltd ... its a magazine company... hm... andrew ang and doris nga asked me to go... hmmmm... dont know much about this.. but try it out! =D

talk more when i see u guys.. japan was damn fun!

its been the first time that im able to blog from kanazawa. so far im still enjoying myself, doing nothing but take in the sights and culture. really different from singapore. my host, yuka, has been great! she drives, and she likes to talk to me about the day's progress. =) they say she's very pretty, but i feel she has good assets that she knows how to manipulate to make herself pretty. =)

cant wait to get home though... (no actually i also cant wait to spend money xD) hahaha.