time has flown by. im feeling lower and lower. i dont know if i can ever pick myself up again this time.

maybe one day time will change my decision. maybe soon, maybe never. i dont know. but i do know i will stand by him no matter what. even if everyone argues in my favor, i'll stand by him. even if not for my feelings, just because he was always there for me. thats enough.

today was phyphy's birthday bash. was fun, really~

we played games, talked about random stuff, and more or less saw her closest friends in the same room.

but something was eating me away.

something was missing.

phyllis and shawn

sandy and fitri

xiuzhi and michael

me.


something was seriously missing. and today it was more obvious than it ever could be. it wasnt just the missing of a presence. he seemed to be missing today. and i miss him.

i'm not crying anymore. havent for the past few days. but today i cried. twice. both when i was alone. i didnt want to ruin anyone's party. i didnt want to make anyone see me cry. but the 1 hr i was alone today, i cried.

the past few days i tried not to cry, to keep myself alive and keep myself strong. but it hurts so much more, bottling it all up inside, crying inside to myself.

it hurts so much more... and this time i dont have you to confide in anymore.

someone once told me. the road will become straight when i reach it. but what happens when ive crossed that road, and all that's left is.. a cliff. i can choose to step back and stop, or jump, and not know if i'll fall or fly.

i dont want you to ever read these.

i dont want you to know.

this is my pain.

its my sacrifice.

this is my own problem to fix.

until today, a day hasnt gone by that i havent cried about it. yes it still hurts. maybe now more than ever. but he can never know.

maybe somewhere in the future i will stop crying, someday i will move on. but for now, maybe i dont want to? im not sure either...

its over.

but its okay.

we're friends.

that's how it's meant to be.


no matter how much it hurts me to say it now. i loved you. and i always will, but now as a friend, maybe a brotherly figure. but that's all you said we could ever be.


in the past, ive seen blood of others. the blood splashed on my hands i knew wasnt my own. but this time, i know its my own.

i seem to be blogging a lot recently. =D things have turned out for the better i guess. =D i think im just being too paranoid. =D i should really stop thinking so much. ^^ hehe.

cant wait to see all 4 girls at the SAME TIME! WE STILL HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT!!!! i dont think xiu can go swimming with baby around on thurs, right?

i MISS CHALET. <<< VERY BIG HINT. I. MISS. CHALET.

okay yes im being totally random.

Chalet.

anyway, time for me to go to bed.

Chalet.

Im getting really tired.

Chalet.

omg it's already 4.30am. Time to go to bed!

Oh and did i mention? I WANT CHALET!

HAHAHA!

haii..problems are starting to arise in every part of my life right now. im just glad that i have good frens to tide it with me, and a bf to hold me if i should fall.

i hate today.

i hate today.

i hate today.

today is officially the worst day of my life.


my parents are trying to get me to let go of one of the only thing that keeps me in touch with the people that have made my life better. they dont understand how these people have pulled me through everything: how these people amidst everyone else have stood by me, and how ultimately one of these people became the most important person in my life.

its not the game that matters to me, not the leveling or the point of the game. for me its just being there talking to the people i love, the people who've always been there for me. the people who've, when i needed help, showed no hesitancy to help me. in the game ive met great friends, and in some ways, how is it different from IRC or MSN or even FRIENDSTER? its just another way of mingling, no?

if quitting meant that i'd never talk to them again, never see them again, then no i will never quit. they mean too much to me. though yes i'd admit the game hurt me in more ways that i'm willing to say, but the game also gave me some really good friends, and the game taught me a lot.

but no, my parents dont understand that. they dont see anything in anyway i say. even something that they could call a small thing,they can end up blowing their top at me for crying (and i cried in frustration of not being understood, being wrongly accused).

now they're saying they would let me travel across the world. but somewhere in my mind it's telling me they'll do anything to get me away from it.

i wont say that they dont understand. i'd admit i hid plenty from them. but not because i want to, or tried to. it just happened that way.

life sucks right about now. nothing's going right. everything that needs to go wrong has gone wrong.

there are plenty of things i love about this month. my time with jasper, with the girls and all.but at the same time, i will never forget this month for a few reasons: i've lost a good friend, two maybe, gained 2 old friends back, found a loving boyfriend, and for the first time in so long, pissed myself off.

october... supposed to be a happy month for me, isnt it? well... not anymore.

i hate it.

i hate the feeling of non-existance.

i hate feeling as though i mean nothing to no one.

i hate feeling that i dont exist.

had a good day with jaz last night.. hanging out w him and ivan talking about crap. was fun. though i spent like 2 hours sleeping near his house...

phy's bday is coming up soon... (Thanks phy btw for the card. i just opened it) wonder how it'll be like.. never been to a 21st bday bashy before~!

sandy's obviously still busy, havent heard from her at all...

xiuxiu... well.. hehe. i've talked to xiu on the phone for a while few days back. azealea's growing preeeeety fast. =D

heyhey~ birthday post! yes i realise im 1 day late... BUT STILL~~~

first of all thanks to all those who sms-ed me:
1. Tezuka-kun aka Aloy
2. Szeyuan
3. Alfin
4. Jasper dear
5. Limin
6. Xiuxiu (she wanted to be the last lol)

Thanks also to all who wished me online (m putting nicknames cos they dun wanna let me post their real names):
1. Vile
2. Penguin
3. Ace
4. Sza
5. Happyhead
*a lot more but i really dont remember T_T*


Also special thanks to shiko~ =D

im sorry to all those who's names i didnt add in, but my HP is kinda screwed up so i might not have gotten your sms~ for those who did send me but i didnt reply, THANKS A LOT~~ love you guys~


well the day before my parents brought me out for dinner... really small family deal but quite fun in its own way. me and my sis ate a lot of funny (and a little disgusting) things... just spending some time with the family makes it a lot more fun bah~

after that i spent my birthday evening with jasper. after his army. =D was fun. caught a movie, went kbox. had dinner. really great time. so even though my eyeballs are now red (for a reason i dont understand)... i loved my bday. =D **no pics tho~**