today was phyphy's birthday bash. was fun, really~

we played games, talked about random stuff, and more or less saw her closest friends in the same room.

but something was eating me away.

something was missing.

phyllis and shawn

sandy and fitri

xiuzhi and michael

me.


something was seriously missing. and today it was more obvious than it ever could be. it wasnt just the missing of a presence. he seemed to be missing today. and i miss him.

i'm not crying anymore. havent for the past few days. but today i cried. twice. both when i was alone. i didnt want to ruin anyone's party. i didnt want to make anyone see me cry. but the 1 hr i was alone today, i cried.

the past few days i tried not to cry, to keep myself alive and keep myself strong. but it hurts so much more, bottling it all up inside, crying inside to myself.

it hurts so much more... and this time i dont have you to confide in anymore.

someone once told me. the road will become straight when i reach it. but what happens when ive crossed that road, and all that's left is.. a cliff. i can choose to step back and stop, or jump, and not know if i'll fall or fly.

i dont want you to ever read these.

i dont want you to know.

this is my pain.

its my sacrifice.

this is my own problem to fix.