ok what started off as a great day today was made worse and worse. found out some information that i never knew was possible. but because of that it suddenly made me realise what a true friend is.

never forget your revenge. One down, one to go. Why do these people keep popping up?

you know, sometimes there is no point in hiding things, because hiding things would only make it worse when people find out. somethings you think back and wonder, why hide it in the first place? and once that is hidden, everything starts boiling out again. the incompetence, the lack of effort, every fucking thing comes back twice as hard. trying to forgive you is no longer part of the equation, only how to get back at you.

you know at least i'll be here for you.

its funny how certain things just happen that way, how fate has a way of biting a chunk out of secrets. either that or i have a ear for rumours.

let's think of how to do this properly, shall we? you've already started... phase 1 has already begun... let's prepare for phase 2...

NPP5 and OAP5 had a party today, to say farewell to a Selena Ho (whom I've honestly never met). as usual, the interns picked a corner and called it their own. =D


jeremiah decided to sit on joachim.. look how happy the two are.. =D

everyone obviously hungry for food... the woman with the short hair down front is the farewell "princess". btw, can you guys spot the shrek? =X
look at the assortment of food. and obviously, i didnt eat anything... despite the temptations of jeremiah and joachim.
yes... the fairwell girl and her two 80s friends~ hahahaha. damn funny how these people dressed up just for the sake of a farewell party. OAP5 people are definitely more sporting than the NPP5 side... of course we have our own sporting people... people like grace and benny!
hahaha. ok yes once again i was very bored... so i snapped this. obviously i moved too fast. but HEY at least my hair looks nice. =D hahaha.

hai im back! i added a link too~ check out my pictures =) hahaha.

okay so i decided to go back for the signing of MOU after all... guess there was nothing for me to.. think too much about. haha. it was a great day! i got to see weiting, and the others as well!!! =D im a happy person.

even got a chance to gather with the girls and "gather intelligence" about certain stuff.. hahahaha. poor weiting spent so much money on hikaru that her mail cost her $50... just to MAIL the letter... poor girl.

i hope yuka got the gift.. =) and i hope its still in one piece by the time it reaches japan hahahaha. oh my god its only left me with like... maybe 2 months? oh goodness... i cant wait!

everything literally seems to want to go my way so that i can be happy. now im afraid that the bad half of my life will be horrible when it comes, so i dont want to be too happy.

haii... ok dont panic. tomorrow is christmas... MOU day was a great day for me. i dont regret going one bit.. it was... if i could say so... perfect.

i finally got to see them again...

im not going to make a very coherent post here, because im sworn to secrecy. all i will say is that im glad he came to me. that im glad he decided to trust me enough with the information, that he knew that i could keep that secret for him. truth be told, there was nothing much i could do but just listen.

today i'll once again be going back to school. once again the bittersweet regret feeling. im taking half day off work, so im currently at office. spent yesterday decorating hall... but at least it looks super good now. (i thinks).

everyone seems to have their own share of problems, that suddenly my own seem insignificant. its not that im trying to hide my problems, or deny facing them, but the time to tell has not arrived yet. im just worried that one day that line will fade and i ended up causing more problems for myself than before.

... that's what im here for. two heads are better than one, isnt it? isn't this why you created me?

everything seems so surreal, so... unpredictable. i really feel as though im in a dream that had suddenly been pushed fast forward. i can see everyone else in that future, but i dont see myself. i cant see where i am, or where i want to be. is it simply because i just dont have a future? or that i havent decided, realised what i want yet?

i envy those who can boldly say that they want something, and strive to get it, by all means necessary. those people i admire.

but it seems reality is, almost literally, crashing down on me.

The 10 Quiz

10 Things I Miss

1. Chalets with the Girls
2. SPSEC (People and Clubroom)
3. Miyazaki
4. Takeshima Family
5. Kanazawa
6. Family Gatherings
7. Leisure writing
8. Snow
9. AuditionSEA
10. Sleep

10 Things I Want

1. Money
2. Clothes
3. Japan!
4. Shoes
5. Bags
6. Outings with Close Friends
7. Death Note Leather Bound
8. To Never Forget Anything
9. My Dream Come True
10. True Happiness

10 Things I Love

1. My Family
2. My Close Friends
3. Japan (Yes that’s the answer to everything)
4. Anime
5. Music
6. Writing
7. Designing
8. Photography
9. Memories
10. YUKA!!!


10 Songs in My Mind

1. Arashi – Love So Sweet
2. M.O.V.E. – Painless Pain
3. BoA – No. 1
4. Koda Kumi – Freaky
5. Koda Kumi – No Regret
6. K – Only Love
7. Chris Daughtry – Over You
8. Arashi – Jidai
9. Arashi – I Want Somebody
10. BoA – Girls On Top


10 Regrets (WAH WHERE GOT SO MANY!!!)

1. Trusting certain people that shouldn’t be trusted
2. Not spending enough time with family


10 Memories I’ll Remember Forever

1. Past 2 chalets with the girls (bonded like hell there, burnt like hell too)
2. Sentosa trip (who can ever forget our “identical sunburns, and sunburn lotion!”)
3. Going Kanazawa with the guys… meeting yuka.. the entire kanazawa experience was phenomenal.
4. Chalet with the guys on my birthday (Seriously, thanks so much. It was a great memory.)
5. My montage memory of betrayal and backstab
6. Phy’s birthday party… all that planning paid off at last!
7. Working at MediaCorp (met the best people ever… had a lot of laughs… and sprained bodyparts).
8. Secondary School Sports Events… (will never forget the thrill of jumping and running, of speed, adrenaline… I loved that feeling).
9. Going overseas or spending time with family
10. The times where I felt important/needed.

Today was a freaking bad day. I lost my ezlink card. AGAIN! Stupid stupid! Oh my god I lost it. I seriously cant believe I lost it!

On the bright side, I bought a shirt and a skirt. But the loss of my ezlink card, with the addition of my spoilt POSB card… is a bad card day. And just after we talked about losing cards, no less.

OH MY GOD AND I JUST BOUGHT CONCESSION FOR TOMORROW!!!

The best part? The guy told me that no one can use it because the conductor will check. YEAH LIKE THAT HAPPENS! Stupid. He wont even let me cancel the card. Stupid. If my card has less money because someone uses it is because the transitlink people cant freaking do anything about it. They need a 24 hr hotline like DBS man!

OMG. okay i had a bad day today. but then when i came home everything became good.

was quite surprised because the first thing i saw was a red letter... when in Singapore do you get a red letter? but what caught my eye was that...



yes it had that many stamps. reminded me of harry potter when mrs weasley sent a snail mail over with a lot of stamps. but what caught my eye was the words at the bottom which said...

"FROM YUKA (followed by Yuka's address)..." OMG I STUN. i didn't expect yuka to send a letter to me, and i wanted to send one too, but i didnt have the address! well, now i do! and thats not the best part..




it came with these.. omg im so touched la!!! the letter was so nice, and even otoosan and okaasan wrote something (In japanese. i think yuka must have told them i only understand hira, cos they wrote it all in hira.. xD haha)

yuka said that its really cold over there... i hope she's not sick. she even got me "Snow" haha. maybe i should get her "Sun". xD hahaha.

okay!!! getting a letter from them really lifted my spirits and jolted my senses. i want to hug yuka!

yes im missing her more and more.. again...

OKAY TOMORROW IM SENDING SOMETHING BACK!

Can it just be sour? Bittersweet? Hate? Regret? What is this feeling?

Coming back to school, seeing the girls again not only reminded me of the joy, but somewhat also of the hatred and pain through those 3 years. The conflicts, the fights, the quarrels, everything. And the more I think about it, the more I know I will never forgive nor forget. Because I’m still waiting to watch them suffer.

I will not help the enemy: that much I’ve agreed to do on my own. I will not blame anyone for being friends with an enemy, because they have their lives and I have mine. I will not make you hate, and similarly you cannot make me not hate.

I guess its really a bittersweet feeling that courses through my veins, because although I’ve grown closer to certain people and began to understand them more, I also begin to realize how their mind works, and I can hate them for it. certain things that’s been said to me, I will keep it to myself: not because I want to save your face, not because I don’t wish to let you know its not you, but because I see no benefit for me to divulge that piece of information. So what if the world thinks badly of you? What if the world shuns you? What good does that do to me?

It just makes me realize that there is a deep dark secret, a personality behind each smiley face I see, a secret that once told, will command no respect from me. And this person I’m currently talking about, has already lost it.

I don’t know. I know the people I hate are as follows:

1) backstabbers (solution: revenge)
2) spineless hoarders (solution: deny help)

For now, that’s all I can do. Soon, as more of these personalities come up, more solutions will appear. And then, that’s when the answer will come to me.

Going to school always is satisfying, because I always realize something there. Whether good or bad, I always realize something of significance to my life there. It’s a great thinking space.

~

On the bright side, I’ve decided to write a wishlist for Christmas. But then I realized that that would be the same as my wishlist at the side… so I decided to cancel that portion of the post.

talking to アロイ　くん　always seems to put things into perspective for me. its like how things we say might be random and make no link or even sense to the topic that we started out in... but it for some reason makes perfect sense to my life.

it shocks me to a certain extent of how he seems to be going through/ have gone through what i already have, and somehow we come to similar conclusions. odd isnt it?

at least maybe because of that, i can trust the club to him, because i know he feels the same way i do, the way KF never felt: as though the club's existance is more important than school itself. i told KF this a long time ago, the club meant more to me than anything else. i was willing to stress myself out because of the club, to skip classes because of the club. my life wouldnt have been half what it is today without the club (for one, i would have never met yuka). i told KF before that for some reason, the club, even though with its stresses and irritations and ups and downs, it relieves me from the stress of school. when i stress for the club, i feel relaxed. it's a way out from school life, to me.

whenever i told KF that, his reply would always be the same: that we came to school for studying. we are not being paid to run the club. we shouldnt have to overwork and stress ourselves out because of something like that: it's supposed to be fun. but he just doesnt seem to understand: it's no longer a matter of fun and games.

アロイ　くん and i, while talking, were wondering what would happen to both of us had we not been in this club. one very obvious thing would be the lack of somewhere to hang out for hours between classes. i used to think that i was the only one, that i was the only one foolish enough to ever feel that way. until last night: i realised im not the only one that feels this odd affinity towards SPSEC.

i guess maybe so many things have changed, but yet still we have watched the club grow, maybe helped in it, and indirectly each of us have planned for its future. many friends were formed because of that club.

i guess thats the real reason why im not willing to step down so early, partially because i feel like fulfilling my whole team, but more than that, because i somehow felt that life didnt feel the same without the club. knowing that even if i continued to go on with my studies or work, i would still end up coming back to school to help out with the club. that remains to be a fact. maybe im just not ready to let it go yet.. i dont see how they can be so willing to step down and move on, when on the otherhand im unwilling to. i want to see the club to the end.

アロイ　くん and i also talked a little more about personal lives, and i feel i can understand him a little more, why the change in him, and what he's going through. sometimes it really feels like im looking at my life in someone else's body... some parts are just too similar..

I predict that this will be a relatively long post. But then again, maybe not. I’ve really run out of the drive to continue blogging, knowing that people are reading into my words, predicting, blaming, contradicting or proving me wrong with words I’ve written.

True, gone are the times I really cared about what others think, about whether I should even be bothered that something like this is happening to me. I remember I used to be the one reading into those words: that I used to be the one guessing and predicting everything someone else said, and wondered if it applied to me.

But now that I’m on the receiving end, I think I really have come down to not care about it anymore. If you know you’re innocent, you don’t have to doubt my words. You won’t have to second guess my words. Similarly, that’s probably why people like Xiuxiu and Phy never asked me whether it was about them: simply because they knew it wasn’t.

It’s a round circle that I’m running in, each step will take me further away, yet closer, to the beginning. A never ending cycle.

On the bright hand side, at least I have Yuka. Her reply to me, even once in a month, was enough to make me happy. Because when I thought back to my previous host Haruka, and how she ignored me and never replied me, I began to realise what it must have taken for Yuka to have to reply me so often. And because of that I feel more than ever I need to go back.

Each step is taking me another step closer. And yet further at the same time. It’s a never-ending cycle of… nothingness.

I guess it’s time for me to let go. A few things are still in my mind, but its really time, I think, for me to say goodbye to those memories, put them in a cache, and move on. Because no matter what, no matter how long I hold on to them, they’ll just be memories that meant nothing.

It’s odd because even as I’m writing this, I’m telling myself I can’t really let go. I can never probably. So I guess the only option that remains to be seen is to wait it out, wait till I feel I can let it go in peace.

It was a large part of my life. That was it. Nothing more.

Moving on, in a few days I’d be back at school again. Once again, that bittersweet feeling. Of knowing when I went back, I’d feel like I wasn’t a student any more, and inevitably, that in a few weeks time, I probably never will be again.

omg im just so happy after i met ms kwa.. she treated us to lunch as well! olivia and i were just so happy that we finally got to see a familiar face from SP. we talked abit about everything, about our class and all... and the "tension" in the class that apparently the teachers can feel towards 01. Ms kwa said its better these few weeks, because she said that at least towards the end, everyone seemed to get together as a cohesive whole... haha. not me. i dont want to be a part of that "cohesive whole". i dont see a cohesive whole at all. ANYWAY...

it still feels good to see ms kwa in mediacorp. sure the other interns are nice, but it cant beat meeting someone i havent seen in so long!

yeah that was about it. ms kwa treated us to lunch at adam's road... before she headed back to SP, and olivia and i to mediacorp. lucky we left early too, because joachim and liting were stuck in the "rain"... at least until i told liting i'd bring the umbrella for her... but it stopped raining hahahahaha.

it's time, isn't it. the date is coming closer and closer.

yeah it's getting closer alright. just 4 more days.

you honestly can go back happily?

i don't know. hahaha. can i? partially i am happy, yes that much i have to admit. i am happy because i have finally succeeded in completing a phase of my mission. a lot still has to be done before the final preparations. and i know i only have 4 days left. and finally i know what i intend to do at the end. i know what i want to achieve. and i will get it done.

good to know. finally, we're working together instead of you hiding me all the time.

let me write it here, and now.

i am not doing this because of the cyclist club. this has in no fucking way got anything to do with the cyclists. im not some mindless creature that does things that people tell me to do. at least know that.

stop assuming that im doing all these because of someone or something. im not. im doing this on my own, in my own power. watching them suffer, knowing that i caused it. i will not be trodden over again. i will not let you have that satisfaction again.

you thought you knew me, and yet you simply assumed that. you said its about friends, at this rate you're going to lose one. im not going to hide or deny, i'm not running away. hell i knew this was going to happen.

it fucking sucks, knowing that after one year, you can accuse me of something like that. knowing that and worrying about it.. you can blatantly just say that while you sit there next to him.

dont think i dont know anything. in fact. i know more than you think.


watch me. my hell is not yet complete. there is still another 2 phases to go...

everything is literally going my way. every single step, from minute details to the major decisions. every single step of the way is the truth. she seemed immune, she was immune. because all her forces were with her, because she had worked for this.

she had everything she needed... every moment has been going exactly as she loved it to be, even better.

my angel, my devil. you're more than i could dream for a counterpart. you're the devil mastermind.

its going perfectly, isnt it?

yes my angel. its going perfectly. even God cannot help anymore. because the path to destruction has already been made. and there is only one last option left, one last fork in the road.

omg omg omg omg!!!!

today, when i came back for lunch, joachim gave me a note and an apple. at first i was confused.. then i understood... omg...

omg i really didnt expect this. i mean... its a really nice gesture that i really didnt expect. i knew that benny was a nice boss (they're all nice people, really)... but this really sweet to me. yeah i know its only an apple and a post-id note... but its really thoughtful of him to do that.. =) i mean... it sort of gave me the encouragement i needed. i must remember to thank him when i see him! haha

*this kinda sounds like phy's post on the flowers... but what the heck. its a happy post.*

**im sorry if the picture turns funny... mediacorp TV has one funny camera.. xD ahahaha.

Listening to my own background song in blogger reminds me how sad i was. LOL. because ultimately my answer is still they same. Although last night I had probably the greatest dream ever, a dream I wished I would never wake up in, it was still a dream after all.

This song means so much to me for so many reasons: its weird how a loud rock song can suddenly turn into the most emotional song I’ve heard. This song reminds me of everything, of MILE, of the chalet, of the broken computer. Everything. Every memory I ever had with the MILE team, every waking memory I shared with any of them. And it is a pity that I might never get to see them again.

Now that I’m sure I’ll see yuka again, I’m not that upset over MILE anymore. Because the people I want to see are in Singapore, and yet I can’t see them. Oh well… you can’t win everything.

My dream, if any clearer, reminded me that I have to stop dreaming. Because once I dream I start to hope. And I cannot afford to hope. Because I know that nothing will come out of it. the dream felt so longing, felt so emotional, that thing background song becomes the perfect background medley for that particular dream.

This song means so much: yet for reasons I cannot really explain. But each time I hear this song, I’m forced to remember, forced to smile. Because when I remember those memories, I can’t help but to smile I think “well, at least I was happy then”.

Going back to SP has indeed made me feel very much better: because at least there, I felt as though I was back in familiar ground, even though I didn’t feel I was a part of SP anymore. The memories I shared there, memories that I remembered…

Walking to the MRT with アロイ　くん, getting a call from Weiting, briefly bumping into Hiryuu kun every now and then, bumping into people I met through the club. That for once, when I walked down those halls, someone somewhere knew who I was. Someone knew my name. Here, in mediacorp, I’m nothing more than just an intern.

It’s odd how most of my memories are of the club people, or of selected few in MILE. I guess the reason is because firstly this song reminds me of MILE, firstly because it was Hiryuu-kun who introduced this song to me. Secondly because the only thing I’m sad about currently is MILE. Hahahaha. I guess I don’t see my reflections with the girls because I never actually went into SB: I never had the courage to enter those walls again. Then again, either I pushed the girls aside, resulting in me being unable to see them, unable to see myself with them, or… I hate to think of the other consequences.

Those memories that made me laugh, made me cry, made me happy, and made me hurt all at the same time. I loved those memories: I treasured them more than anything else in the world. Because although I know those memories now mean nothing to me, and that my dream no longer matters, it’s okay. I know I can live with it, just watching from afar, listening from afar. Although it hurts, and trust me it’s going to hurt more when I go to Kanazawa, because even more memories are going to be absorbed into my head. I’m going to remember more things. But I don’t want to forget them. Those simple things, those small things. I don’t want to forget them because they are a part of me, and that they once made me happy.

But because of the lies I’ve made to so many people, I can’t trust myself or anyone to tell them the truth behind those memories, my hopes have already been dashed. Because of those lies, because of those lies I was forced to make, I can no longer trust myself to divulge those memories, to tell anyone of those special memories: that even though they mean absolutely nothing now, at that time, they had made me happy. That was all I really needed.

I just hope those memories continue to happen, and not just brutally stop in the middle of the tracks. I’d hate to lose friends like that…

I miss the girls… I miss the club. I even miss the teachers! I really don’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss SP. The memories of being there, although mostly weren’t pleasant. But at least some of them were.

And for those happy memories, or the memories that once made me happy, I will choose to hold on to them… even though they really no longer mean anything to me.

hey. im a happy person tonight. nothing, i mean, NOTHING, will bring me down. you know why?

because after... 1 month, one entire month, i finally had the chance to head back to SP! yeah i was freaking excited and happy, as though it was a holiday for me...

i guess... i was pretty shocked. because when i entered the gates of SP i felt, oddly, like a stranger. i felt i no longer belonged behind those walls, no longer welcome behind the protected walls of SP. everything i saw, everything reminded me so much more why i wanted to be back there.

i took a quite detour to SB before i headed down to business, and although it was pouring, i captivated everything in my head. because i didnt want to lose those memories. although i didnt get to find what i was searching for, i at least managed to retrace my steps, rethink my strategies, and remember the happy times.

back at the clubhouse, i was greeted with the familiar faces of my committee, and i never felt so happy. sure, it was for work, but i loved it because i loved the company. i miss those people, those that had shared memories with me, and those that i had failed to see.

a little sad note here, i didnt get to see a few people i wanted to meet, people like weiting. also, i met a few people i didnt want to meet... but overall i loved it!

i learnt a few things today.. i learnt that i stood my ground today. i fought for something i believed in. won, lost, i dont care.

on the way home i even had the chance to see ms helen ng! it felt so great meeting her, sharing my stories with her. it felt great to see so many familiar faces today.

coming back to SP reminded me of the things i left behind, of the memories i still remembered. it reminded me also somewhat of the pain and the sadness, but it was overall a well-worth trip. i look forward to going back again next week.

you really dont realise what's worth holding on to, until its gone. today was really an emotional upturn for me. SP never seemed so welcoming.

Suddenly one by one, each piece is slowly falling into place. Each piece, each detail, is slowly becoming clearer, becoming a whole. I’m not hiding behind and hope it happens anymore: I will make sure it happens, even if I have to do it with my own hands.

I will sit there, I will watch you suffer, and I will laugh. Because I’ve been waiting. Phase 1 is complete. Phase 2 is about to begin. Soon, each day and each time, I will tear you apart.

That’s it. That’s my girl. Slowly, we are becoming one.

One day, one day you will see, you will understand. That day, is the day I let it all go. That day, I will be able to look at you without hatred, and look at you as you collapse to the ground. That will be the day, the day you know the truth. The day you find out the truth.

That’s my girl. That’s the girl I thought I knew, the girl I thought was lost. She’s back.

What I planned, and what’s happening, is not going the way I want it to go.

It’s better.

Each moment I’m getting happier, because of the things that I can’t control, but yet they’re getting better and better.

They say karma is working my way. But I’m using it for the wrong reason. So be it. Like I told a few people: certain sacrifices are worth making: certain aren’t. I will not sacrifice everything for my revenge. I will only sacrifice myself. The only two that are going down is me, and my victim. No one else. No one deserves to suffer any more than they already have to.

Its stupid: I’m sitting behind my desk. I’m already off work for a while, and yet I’m sitting here typing this. And the worst part is, I’m so close to tears. I’m so close to my goal, and yet I’m crying because I know what I intend to sacrifice. And although I feel its worth it, I’m sorry for pulling so many people into it with me…


All you need is me. I’ll get you through it. I’ll be your strength. I’ll be your power. I’ll be your determination. Greatness lies not in being strong, but the right use of strength. What you’re doing, you know deep down is right to you, isn’t it?

It feels right. And even if its wrong, I still have to do it. it’s a part of me that I won’t be able to let go until I can really let it go.

once again on an upset roll.

so i'm just going to rant. if you dont want to hear my ranting, scroll down and wait for the pink portion.

~~ (ranting begins)

you claim to be responsible, you throw your rank everywhere you go. but when it comes down to the hard and dirty work, you'd rather not.

you'd rather say no, because you've cried, because you just dont want to, i honestly dont care. my off days are supposed to be for my leisure, for my enjoyment, for me to relax. im working my saturdays off so that i can have some time on weekdays. im willing to make a small sacrifice, and use BOTH my current off days to go to school and do the shit work that you obviously cannot. out of everyone, you are supposed to be the one covering my back, taking care of things when im not around.

instead all i know is today is a deadline for something that アロイ　くん only found out two days ago. tell me, pray please explain to me, what was i to do if he didnt? it was a wonderful opportunity, a great PR method... only we never knew.

thank goodness i came online yesterday night. i came for you, but i ended up having to clear the workload. its okay, because now im using my leave for club work. im fine with that. im fine with having to do that. but then i need you to tell me, honestly, why are you still holding on to this club, to this position?

because i cannot just accept that everytime there's work to be done, and i need you to be there, i have to always settle for a "oh. i dont want to go." if you're not free, i can understand. but noooo. its "i dont WANT to go." emphasis on the WANT. you've made your choice, and ive made mine.

its over.

be prepared for it. i will bring hell down.

~~

hehe. okies im back!!!

yeah oh a higher note, i'll be taking off on 2 days! yay i get to use my off! just didn't expect so many club stuff to crop up. many thanks to アロイ　くん for keeping me fairly updated about the club events, as well as KF who has been helping me behind the scenes to prepare for the AGM. thanks a lot you guys.

im trying not to be emo, but its not as easy as it looks. partially im happy because all these club things give me another reason to go back to school: a reason i've been yearning.

i think through internship ive already changed quite a lot: my mindset and my thinking has developed relatively quickly, and ive begun to feel less and less. maybe its the different company, maybe its the stress getting to me, listening to my other classmates talk about their internship.

i dont know why, but when people say something, i end up having a tendency to protect my own company: because they dont see the work these people here have put in to make what you see on TV. the nights these people slave over, only to be called "a government body" by the naive eyes.

look. they dont work for the government. they dont campaign for the government. so what? yes i love working here, each and every moment of it. but i do miss the club. so im kind of glad that i have to go back, despite my earlier rantings.

okay i cant type too much. i need to get back to work. its already 8.30!!! x)

OH AND BTW. i need a new phone.

stop being a darling princess. its time to be a warrior. fight for what you believe in. leave nothing to hope. you cant be disappointed if you cant hope. you cant be happy if you aren't sad. you cant be pleased if you've never felt pain.

phase 1 has been completed. slowly, but surely, i will eat you from the inside. slowly, i will destroy you. i will make you wish you were dead.

thats the spirit. bring out the warrior in you.

who am i sabotaging now?

everyone i ever cared about.

who means more to me?

i dont know.

who can i trust?

all the more, i don't know.

thinking back i realised that i have actually, on the backs on many, unknown to me, set a very elaborate trap for myself, so that no one actually knows who is who. everyone would think is someone else. its quite curious when i think about it.. but i like it that way. i dont like a simple life.

mediacorp is still awesome so far, but now with club stuff coming in, im beginning to feel more like im back in school. i love this feeling.

please dont let me out of the loop. i still want to help with the club.

i love the feeling of being able to be there, to help. it makes me feel that at least i still deserve my position as the president, even for a while more.

things are going to start getting busy soon, but now im feeling more like im living than i ever was. i love being busy. !!!

each day i become happier. but its with a sadistic twist. mediacorp is working me so hard that i hardly have time each day. but at the end, im happy. because together we've accomplished something that i could never have done it alone. Gemini has accomplished something the girl could never do alone.

each day, i become happier, for a reason that i cannot answer. but the happiness becomes a twist because im happy for the worst reason: revenge.

but hey, at least im happy.

that's it girl. together we can do anything. just a while more. a few more days. a few more days and the slashes on your wrists will heal. and once they do... you can move on. stop hurting yourself, instead, focus on hurting those that hurt you.