Can it just be sour? Bittersweet? Hate? Regret? What is this feeling?

Coming back to school, seeing the girls again not only reminded me of the joy, but somewhat also of the hatred and pain through those 3 years. The conflicts, the fights, the quarrels, everything. And the more I think about it, the more I know I will never forgive nor forget. Because I’m still waiting to watch them suffer.

I will not help the enemy: that much I’ve agreed to do on my own. I will not blame anyone for being friends with an enemy, because they have their lives and I have mine. I will not make you hate, and similarly you cannot make me not hate.

I guess its really a bittersweet feeling that courses through my veins, because although I’ve grown closer to certain people and began to understand them more, I also begin to realize how their mind works, and I can hate them for it. certain things that’s been said to me, I will keep it to myself: not because I want to save your face, not because I don’t wish to let you know its not you, but because I see no benefit for me to divulge that piece of information. So what if the world thinks badly of you? What if the world shuns you? What good does that do to me?

It just makes me realize that there is a deep dark secret, a personality behind each smiley face I see, a secret that once told, will command no respect from me. And this person I’m currently talking about, has already lost it.

I don’t know. I know the people I hate are as follows:

1) backstabbers (solution: revenge)
2) spineless hoarders (solution: deny help)

For now, that’s all I can do. Soon, as more of these personalities come up, more solutions will appear. And then, that’s when the answer will come to me.

Going to school always is satisfying, because I always realize something there. Whether good or bad, I always realize something of significance to my life there. It’s a great thinking space.

~

On the bright side, I’ve decided to write a wishlist for Christmas. But then I realized that that would be the same as my wishlist at the side… so I decided to cancel that portion of the post.