Listening to my own background song in blogger reminds me how sad i was. LOL. because ultimately my answer is still they same. Although last night I had probably the greatest dream ever, a dream I wished I would never wake up in, it was still a dream after all.

This song means so much to me for so many reasons: its weird how a loud rock song can suddenly turn into the most emotional song I’ve heard. This song reminds me of everything, of MILE, of the chalet, of the broken computer. Everything. Every memory I ever had with the MILE team, every waking memory I shared with any of them. And it is a pity that I might never get to see them again.

Now that I’m sure I’ll see yuka again, I’m not that upset over MILE anymore. Because the people I want to see are in Singapore, and yet I can’t see them. Oh well… you can’t win everything.

My dream, if any clearer, reminded me that I have to stop dreaming. Because once I dream I start to hope. And I cannot afford to hope. Because I know that nothing will come out of it. the dream felt so longing, felt so emotional, that thing background song becomes the perfect background medley for that particular dream.

This song means so much: yet for reasons I cannot really explain. But each time I hear this song, I’m forced to remember, forced to smile. Because when I remember those memories, I can’t help but to smile I think “well, at least I was happy then”.

Going back to SP has indeed made me feel very much better: because at least there, I felt as though I was back in familiar ground, even though I didn’t feel I was a part of SP anymore. The memories I shared there, memories that I remembered…

Walking to the MRT with アロイ　くん, getting a call from Weiting, briefly bumping into Hiryuu kun every now and then, bumping into people I met through the club. That for once, when I walked down those halls, someone somewhere knew who I was. Someone knew my name. Here, in mediacorp, I’m nothing more than just an intern.

It’s odd how most of my memories are of the club people, or of selected few in MILE. I guess the reason is because firstly this song reminds me of MILE, firstly because it was Hiryuu-kun who introduced this song to me. Secondly because the only thing I’m sad about currently is MILE. Hahahaha. I guess I don’t see my reflections with the girls because I never actually went into SB: I never had the courage to enter those walls again. Then again, either I pushed the girls aside, resulting in me being unable to see them, unable to see myself with them, or… I hate to think of the other consequences.

Those memories that made me laugh, made me cry, made me happy, and made me hurt all at the same time. I loved those memories: I treasured them more than anything else in the world. Because although I know those memories now mean nothing to me, and that my dream no longer matters, it’s okay. I know I can live with it, just watching from afar, listening from afar. Although it hurts, and trust me it’s going to hurt more when I go to Kanazawa, because even more memories are going to be absorbed into my head. I’m going to remember more things. But I don’t want to forget them. Those simple things, those small things. I don’t want to forget them because they are a part of me, and that they once made me happy.

But because of the lies I’ve made to so many people, I can’t trust myself or anyone to tell them the truth behind those memories, my hopes have already been dashed. Because of those lies, because of those lies I was forced to make, I can no longer trust myself to divulge those memories, to tell anyone of those special memories: that even though they mean absolutely nothing now, at that time, they had made me happy. That was all I really needed.

I just hope those memories continue to happen, and not just brutally stop in the middle of the tracks. I’d hate to lose friends like that…

I miss the girls… I miss the club. I even miss the teachers! I really don’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss SP. The memories of being there, although mostly weren’t pleasant. But at least some of them were.

And for those happy memories, or the memories that once made me happy, I will choose to hold on to them… even though they really no longer mean anything to me.