i dont know but recently ive felt like a tornado of feelings. everything happens for a reason, and i guess the result is that i have to bear this alone.

i cant tell anyone: there's no one i can trust with this secret, not anymore. i dont want to be known as a **** or as a *****, or any other word that you can think of, and i know that if i told anyone, ANYONE how i feel right now, those words will haunt me. i just cant bear to let anyone know about it.

there's no one i can confide in. for once when i pick up the phone, or look at my MSN, i dont see anyone that i felt i can confide in... the only one i thought i could, the one i felt i would most probably call, i cant. because it concerns him, because its about him.

ive lost feeling for everything, suddenly i dont want anything anymore. not another relationship, not another feeling. all i want is for all these to disappear. for all these things to leave me alone.

for the past few days ive spent some time talking to aloysius, and ive understood a few things: certain things about fate and life that i cannot avoid.

for a while now ive known when my life will end, where it will and how it will. but knowing how it happens will not make it any easier. homo-sapiens work that way: they want answers to everything.

after talking to him ive understood, that everything happens for a reason, and there's no such thing as controlling my own destiny. actually there is, but controlling it will only give you the same result anyway.. it's not going to make a difference. in a sense we're all lab rats, being tested each step of the way. our death, will ultimately test the final test, and it will be our death that means the most to us. it is in death that we accomplish everything. just like how rats and bunnies have to die so that we could live in the scientifics that they have answered for us.

talking to アロイ also made me realise a few things about life, and even if it doesnt make sense, its the only answer i have, and i'll live with it. it sucks, knowing that everything ive done, everything ive tried to defy what i knew was going to happen, is in fact making it happen that way. its shit, but that's the way it works.

for a long time now ive seen my future, ive seen what im going to become, what my life will be about. i dont know how i'll get there, but i know its true. it gives me satisfaction, at least knowing that i will live (and die) for a purpose i find worth it.

everything that's happening now is falling into place... the final frontier is inevitable.

all this shit is happening to me for a very good reason, and i understand that. i just wish, that im not supposed to bear this secret alone, that i could tell someone with that someone listening to me purely, not telling me what to do or what can be done to salvage the situation.

i dont want to save anything. i dont want to rectify anything. i know its my fault but i dont feel i did anything wrong. its my fault im in this stupid situation in the first place, that i know. but im not going to change it just because i feel it would make me feel better. because i know it wont.

i just want to know how im feeling. i just need to let it out.

im supposed to be the happiest girl in my life around now.

1) i just came back from japan
2) had the time of my life there
3) my birthday is coming
4) i have friends who would stand by me
5) i have the freedom i wanted

but why is it that im not happy? no i dont feel like its because i made the wrong choice: rather i felt that i made my choices too late. im still adjusting. i know it'll take time, and that i will live through it.

but this feeling is making me turn into an empty void of feelings, so much so that ive lost the feeling for everything else.

suddenly i dont know what to live for anymore.

でも。。。　わたし　の　夢　だから。。。　

i wont give up my dream

even if i know its not going to work out in the end...



even if the dream is no longer mine.







im sorry... im sorry to the three ive made promises to. i promised all three of you i wont do the same one thing, and i honestly thought i was going to keep it. forgive me. i promised the three of you, but all three of you are now in my past, all three of you broke me into the tiny pieces im in now.


im sorry for what ive done to myself.