i used to think so, that all i had to do was to live for myself, to live for my own life. but no longer. because now my life does not revolve around me. i live a larger life than that, to the extent that everything i do becomes a part of someone else. i cant do something without worrying if someone will get hurt, or destroyed. when im the one planning it, it's fine, because i can control it. but when i do something that inevitably i know will effect someone else, and yet i can continue doing it, i have to start questioning myself: am i still the person i used to be? can i be used to this new person? can i, accept this new person?

i've become exactly the kind of person that i hate, and inevitably ive become to hate myself, for all the small things im doing that i know i hate.

people say ive changed a lot. and i guess i didnt really realise it until they mentioned it. but now that they did... ive begun to realise even the smallest changes in me. from my non-existent cursing to my current self, who gets so easily and frequently upset that curses just come out. and the ones closest to me realise that. but i dont have the energy to explain it anymore. i cannot just keep telling myself these lies. i cant keep hiding myself from the truth. its a more beautiful picture, but at some point in time, i have to leave my illusions behind. i'm just not ready to leave it yet. i like this beautiful world i've created for myself, where no one but me exists, where i can manipulate everything..