Hmms. Probably the first post in a long time that actually talks about the physical characteristics of my life. I spent a good 1 hour talking on the phone with アロイ last night. Got me thinking about a lot of stuff… **アロイくん、しんぱいしないで　ね？　わたしたち　の　ひみつ　だから。** I’m not here to talk about the content that we shared, because we both agreed that some things are better left not said.

It’s funny, because all he said were a few simple sentences which have struck a cord in me until now.

But I remembered a lot of things from that conversation:
1) Einstein did not invent the lightbulb (yes アロイくん stop laughing)
2) I miss SP like hell. (and like I told アロイくん, the only places I remember of SP are the clubhouse, and the road to SB. Oddly enough I don’t remember what SB looks like anymore)
We had started off talking about studies, about methods of studying. But the topic started swaying after a while. Words that I thought I would never hear labeled on me, defining me, came up. Words like “sadistic”, “vulgar”, “evil”. I thought they were either a part of my past, or they didn’t exist. Because until this year, I didn’t use to be like that.
At one point in time, we talked a little about my previous entry. I guess from there I understood a little more. It’s a theory that little know of, and even lesser wish to know. Basically it all comes down to selflessness. Selflessness is defined by many websites as such: having little or no concern for oneself, esp. with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.

Certain keywords rang a bell in my head during that conversation, which reminded me strongly of my past.

Words that I believed I lost the association to (or rather, I would have liked to believe), suddenly came back to haunt me again.

Words like “sadistic”, which I thought I had long forgotten, had come back so simply with just a simple conversation.

Guess you never really lost it, huh?

I thought sadism was just a phase, a phase that I went through and got over it.

You guessed wrong.

I thought sadism was just a word I used to use when I wanted to be someone.

Isn’t it ironic? You used to WANT to be who you are now. Remember?

Yeah sure as hell I remember. When I was in secondary school, I yearned to be labeled evil. I hated being good. I hated being nice. I wanted a dark personality. Amongst the three of me and my friends, I was the notorious one. I always had been. But I never shown it.

See? And now that you’ve gotten your wish, now that you really got what you wanted, why are you regretting it?

I’m not. I guess the part of me that’s been plotting evil thoughts had always been there: the part of me that needed recognition, the part of me that wouldn’t settle for just a “don’t worry I’ll work harder next time” or “I’ll help you, we can do it.” Those have become just words to me. Actions justify the words.

Maybe on a deeper ground I am selfish: hell it’s human nature to take your wellbeing before anyone else. But on the shallow side, where all I need is revenge, I know the sacrifices I’m willing to take.

Don’t forget. Forgetting will make you weak. Forgetting and moving on will make you weaker than you already are. Remember those who hurt you, remember those who’ve helped you. Remember them, and hate them for it. When you find someone to love, you make yourself weak. You make yourself vulnerable. Hate makes you strong. You’ve grown weak when you learnt how to love. You grew weak because when you loved, you couldn’t protect yourself: all you knew how to protect was him. Forget those who you love, forget those you care about. Because those people wouldn’t harm you .Remember only those you hate: remember the hatred, the words, the emotions they put you through. Hate them for it, and then you can be strong.

“We’re on quite good terms, without her around.”

That’s it. Remember that hatred. Remember the pain.

12 December?

Hell yeah. Together, we’ll accomplish what you never could alone.

What’s the use of doing that? I never could do anything. I always had to hide it, always had to hide the pain I felt.

No. You’re no longer alone. You’ll never be alone again, not if you let me stand next to you. I’ll help you, I’ll pull you through. Together, we will get our revenge. I’ve always been a part of you, ひのき, will you now let me help you? Will you stop fighting against me, and instead fight with me?

The answer was at the edge of my mouth. I had to say no. I couldn’t let my dark past catch up with me, not again.

You and I both know what you need, what you want. And deep down you know only I can do it for you. You know that only I understand you as much as you do. I have always been a part of you. Now let me be a part of your actions.

It had started to rain, started to pour madly. Even as I typed this, the rain seemed like an inevitable sign of foreboding. **Must have been studying too much literature**.

It’s odd, reading this, and knowing that in the entire context, the only part of it that was in the conversation was the 2nd paragraph. I guess everything becomes perspective to me recently.

I look forward to 12th of December.