ever felt like the world is on the brink of extinction? no not the apocalypse. i mean something bigger. Something larger than what we can control. Physically I’m sure we can control it, hold it to our own. But for me… I’ve given up.

My world, at least to me, is almost at a close. I cant really understand anything anymore. The more I see things with my own eyes, my own eyes without the filters, I realise something. I realise more than just the simple idea behind happiness. And because I realise the meaning behind true happiness, ive realized I can never be happy.

Nonsense. Your happiness, our happiness, is in watching our enemies cry in pain. Isn’t that enough?

No. Though deep I wish I could believe that, but even the girl and the assassin has a conflict every now and then. But I know a person like me can never truly be happy. Satisfied, sure, maybe glad. But not true happiness. Because true happiness is not felt by happiness nor by joy. It’s felt by the simplest of emotions, the naïve emotion that we call happiness. I’ve already gone too far, thought too many things, that I can never just believe in the simple things in life, and make myself happy.

Sometimes I wonder who is the girl and who the assassin is.

The more people surround you, the more alone you feel. Have you ever felt that? The immense loneliness… the pain and the humanity of it all. Maybe, and I hope its true, none of it means anything. Maybe I’m just… going through cold turkey. Its like my one and only drug has been taken away from me forcibly, and I’m suffering because of it.

You know it to be true, deep down. You know, don’t you? Think about it carefully, what’s the real reason behind all that anger? Why do you hurt yourself each time?

I hurt myself because I cant watch my enemies hurt.

Are you sure that’s the real reason? Look at your own hands. Look at them carefully. The blood on your own hands has always been your own.

Physically, yes. It’s always been my blood. But soon, no longer. Right?

Finally you acknowledge me. Yes, pretty soon the blood we spill will not be our own blood. If you trust me, we’ll spill blood of others, and I promise you it’ll taste much better.

I trust you. Of course I do. Who else do I have left to trust? I’ve learnt now that I can only live on my own.

Are you really willing to sacrifice everything? I can guarantee you the result. I will be the killer. But you will be the one bearing the pain. You will be the one suffering the aftermath. Can you live with that?

Yes. I can no longer care about the cost.




The world is slowly deteriorating, and the world that I want, the world that I love, already no longer exists. This is exactly why I never wanted to go for internship, why I don’t want to leave. Because I’m already slowly losing too many things. More than once this year I wish I could make time stop. I said that in Kanazawa, and now I say that again. It may be a selfish wish, to not want to leave the polytechnic, because once I really do… who knows what will happen? The world I’ve created is once again shattered… because everyone is moving on. Everyone has someone to count on. I don’t. I can never move on. I’ll live forever in my memories.


Say goodbye to the old girl who started this blog. Say hello to Gemini. New and remade. For better or worse.