my mind is settled.

my brain convinced.

my body agrees,

BUT!

my heart still refuses to listen. and that's usually the part i listen to. its stupid, its ridiculous, and yet i know im not going to give up. im just afraid that my imagination is starting to play tricks on me, and that i'm falling into a pithole. ive dug a shallow grave once, and now my imagination is digging a deeper one, giving me memories of things that i knew never happened.

the fine line between my fantasy and my reality is starting to warp, until i know there is going to be one day, one fine day, i will end up believing it. because i can no longer differentiate what's a memory and what's just a fantasy.

and if i cant stop it soon, if i dont stop my imaginations, if i cant darken and straighten that line out... soon, i will have really plunged into my own world, where only i exist, where only my imagination gives me what i want. its scary, because now every memory i have, i have to think... is this really a memory?

thinking back to japan... thinking of going back... its going to bring back even more memories, even more painful memories. it's going to hurt going back. and i know it will. too many happy memories were made there... even memories that i had imagined. too many.

but even if it will hurt, i have to go back. because something tells me there's something for me there. i need to go back because i need to know something.

my heart feels heavy now.. because its broken into so many pieces that i cant pick up even if i watned to. because its broken and torn into a million shards, many of which have faded into the ground.

ive lost my sanity, my humanity. im living on my imagination, my memories. because those are the happy times. i dont see a light shining ahead of me... i want to go back and stop time, and play those scenes over and over again. even thinking back brings the long-lost smile back to my face.

in front, i see darkness. behind, i feel the warmth. i want the past back.

but i know, no matter how hard i want it, i cant have it.

i can only have it in my imagination. but with each lie, with each imagination, everything seems so real.. i really dont know what's real and what's not anymore...

am i really here? am i really existing? or is that just an illusion too?

the more i think about it... the more my life seems to sink into my own illusions.

ive dug a deep hole. and this time, i dont think i can come out that easily. the hole's too deep to jump out.

this time.. this time... i've killed myself. i've killed my physical self so that i could live in an illusion.. because my illusions are now the only place where i can continue to exist, and continue to dream. this body is no longer mine: they're just a puppet of my now eternal illusion.

appropriate blog add, now that i think about it...