has it ever crossed your mind that the reason why i dont show my true self to anyone, to anyone who's never met me before, is not because i want to keep a gaping hole between my real life and my online life.

i guess this is one thing that no one really knows about me. one thing that i never intended to tell anyone. and i sure in hell am not going to do that now.

but i can tell you this. the life i live on the internet is more real than the life i live out here. the people i make up, the people i love in the life i have on the internet, somehow mean more to me than the real life people. no im not talking about friends.

my imaginations, my creations, now mean more to me than ever.

Adrian Skai, Lucia Thomas, Gail Schneider, Keith Ronald Skid, Chris Sanders (Crash) and Jake Lester Torque from my novel The Black Dragon. Through many years of study and research, I've nurtured these characters, and they suddenly become more real to me than anything in the world. So real, that sometimes when I write fictions, it's hard to give them, or their characters up. Lucia, who always is the one that my main character falls in love with, has become the mark to which my future boyfriends have to live up to.

Ryan, Kaiden, Saber, Adrian, my online family that doesn't really exist. not in reality. but in my imagination, they are as good as real. they are the people i look up to, because i've molded them into something i can never be, because i've made them from people i see, people i wish i could know better.

and of course, my own persona, Alex. Yes I'm hell sick of people telling me that's a guy's name, heck I've been getting that for a whole 5 years, since gunbound started. Actually, Adrian was created about that time as well. Anyway, Alex was created in the first place because I didn't have an English name. It wasn't easy explaining that to Americans on Gunbound. But as time went by, Alexander became Alexandra, became Aleksandria, became the now Alekxsandria (or Alekxsadria on Audi, because smart me spelt it wrongly). Slowly her character became more prominent online, and slowly I shaped her to become someone I could never be. She became the role-model of my life, the one I strive to be. She became the target that I worked towards, so that one day the two of us could become one.


I'm on an emotional roller coaster nowadays... standing on the wrong side now will cut you off from the other side. I don't know whether it's because I've learnt to be strong, or because I'm simply ignorant of what's around me, or that I'm no longer afraid of losing the people I care about. I don't know why. But recently this has been how I've become. This has been who I am.


I want my old self back.