i know its a weird time and a weird topic... but this is only one plea. im very worried about matt right now... i just hope he's safe... wherever he is. i just hope he's okay...

my mind has been doing knots and crosses all day, but i finally realise what im doing. im being an idiot. im hiding the truth from myself because the truth is something i know i might not accept. im trying not to hurt myself because i know it'll hurt him. im trying to be strong, so he knows i can be there for him.

ive been thinking selfishly recently... all worried about my own feelings, and neglected his feelings. im really sorry. ive told no one this. ive told no one my true feelings. my hidden feelings, sure. but now i realise. its not that i dont love him, not that i can give him up. that's all just a cover for me to say "look if we dont get back together its okay".

truth is... he means more to me than anything else. i know that now. after worrying about his safety, ive come to understand that. i have feelings for him, feelings i will not let go. i wont tell him any of this, not now. but i will wait.

~~

on a worst side, i slammed right into the metal pole on the bus today. i was sitting on one of those side seats (xiu pls take note and dont sit there, actually NO ONE SIT THERE!) now.. i was on the seat that was next to the "exit door"... and there was a woman on the other seat with one seat between us. the pole was next to her leg, which meant it was one chair away from me. i was listening to my mp3 on the way home, when suddenly something happened.

before i could understand it, i had appeared on the middle seat, with a very bad headache and a strange pain in my right shoulder and left ankle/knee area. i then realised the bus uncle broke suddenly, and i slid a seat and crashed headfirst into the metal pole.

my first reaction however, was "thank goodness it was me and not some random pregnant woman". i hesitate to think what would happen. but even now my head, shoulder and knee/ankle aches... but right now im too worried to think about anything else. my pain is insignificant right now. all i want is for him to be safe.