Have you ever been surrounded by so many, and yet you feel strangely alone? Imagine looking around you, all your closest friends in the same room, and yet strangely enough, it is you that doesn't seem to belong? They may smile at me, laugh with me, but all I see now, are faceless expressions staring back at me.

Don't mistake me, it's not loneliness. It's something more profound that no one word can truly explain this feeling. Thinking closely, it's the absence of feeling. Those who know me well enough should know what I have done, what I'm capable of doing. I don't deny this.

I've changed. Maybe so much I myself am confused. Many a time recently I look into the mirror and I no longer know the girl staring back at me. She's a stranger: she belongs nowhere. My spirit's gone. The fighting spirit has vanished. In the past, I was known for never giving up, fighting to the end. That spirit has disappeared.

I don't know what changed me so much, even I can no longer recognise myself. I sit alone in my room many times, trying to figure out what changed me, and whether I wanted it this way. It's still a double-edged sword: I no longer care how my enemies or even strangers see me. But it also scares me. I know that I've been neglecting my friends, or at the very least I haven't been myself lately. And I know if this goes on, I'm going to lose them. But strangely, it doesn't scare me.

Please dont misunderstand me: I'm not saying that you mean nothing to me. More than anything you've all stood by my side when I needed help the most. You've been by my side probably more than I've ever been there for any of you. It's not that I dont treasure the friendship I have with any of you: you should know how much friends are worth in my eyes.

But that's exactly the problem. Why doesn't it scare me? Why am i not afraid of losing any of you? Or... why doesn't it matter anymore? Even asking myself to think about it now... I see a void. I see emptiness. Nothingness.

I don't know who or what changed me. And to be honest, I don't know if i want to go back to being that weakling I used to be. I'm stronger now, I know it. But is it really worth the sacrifices I will have to make to stay this way?

I thank all of you for always being there, for always listening to me despite everything I've done. To tell you the truth, something got me crying the other day. Sandy got us each a card, and on mine she wrote "I know you've been having a hard year this year." Strangely that sentence struck me the hardest. I guess in a sense, this year was probably one of the hardest years in my life. I've gotten hurt so many times, and in the process I've hurt so many people.

It's finally happened. My heart's been shattered so many times that it's locked itself up. I feel nothing. I don't feel pain, and I don't feel happiness. It's just empty. And strangely, it's okay.

I know now I wasn't made strong. I wasn't made who I am today. It wasn't me. It's my surroundings. But I don't blame anyone for who I am today. I don't even know if I'm happier this way. I know I can only blame myself. I got myself into this situation. I made myself suffer.

Someone once told me, my eyes no longer shine. My mum attributes it to my staring at the computer too long. How true, I don't know.

But now my only question remains: who am I now? and is it better this way? Is this my way of growing up?

I don't know.

The girl in the mirror is no longer the girl I used to be.

A friend (?) once told me, he saw himself in me, when he was my age. At that time, I didn't know what to say. But I realise, I may be slowly falling into his shadow. And it scares me. And i don't even know why..