I just talked to my indirect supervisor, Benny Soh, yesterday (or the day before). And then he said something that made me do some research. He had just said that his name was on www.imbd.com. Honestly at that time I wasn’t surprised.. I felt like he was a guy that probably did some directing at some point in time… but what I didn’t realise was that he was an actor for… “The Maid”. That triggered many memories back to me.
The Maid was the one movie that I was supposed to catch with my ex boyfriend Desmond, had he not caught the chicken pox.
Guess many things have changed, and yet I chose to remember these details, these tiny details like what he wore the first time we met, what time, what day, what hour we broke up. What exactly happened when we did, how I cried for days, and ate nothing but panadol for a whole day.
And oddly enough, when KF and I broke up, I felt… strange to say, nothing. Something inside told me there was nothing for me to feel. No tears, no break down, no pain. Heck instead of popping panadols, I could even go out with the girls, and meet hiryuu-kun afterwards that very night. *really doesn’t seem like me, does it?* I think I lost some part of myself that I’m still trying to find…
Am I still human? Do I still have my feelings? Am I still myself? Have I really changed that much?People would tell me to forget, to let everything go and move on. But what no one seems to understand is that I don’t have the concept of forgetting. I can never forget anything like this. I don’t have the concept for forgetting and moving on: I will force myself to remember, because those memories mean something to me. Even if it was over, even if it never began, I wanted to remember it, so that I knew that at least I knew my whole life: and not block out half of it because I didn’t want to see it, or didn’t dare to face it. I don’t want to live a lie.
I guess its because I can never forget, that I feel I don’t know how to react when others do. My friends all have managed to at one point in time, move on and forget about the bitter grudge that we held for 2 years… at one point all of them were willing to, I think, give it another shot. Heck, they allowed themselves to be in the same picture as them.
Before I say anything further, I’m not blaming any one of you: you have the choice to your own opinion and actions. You don’t have to answer to me. This is just how I feel.
I honestly don’t care what your reasons or excuses are: whether its because its just the last day of school, whether its because of accompanying someone else, or even if, you just want to forget and move on as a class. I honestly don’t care about your reason, and all the more you don’t have to care about me feeling this way. It’s just a personal opinion. You don’t have to explain it to me, or to make me understand, make sure I’m not upset. I’m not the kind to break up a friendship with someone just because that someone is friends with my enemy. I am not that shallow. But… because of that, it is because of all those feelings, those memories, that all the more I don’t want a part of this. I don’t want a part of this hypocrisy that’s happening here right now.
Chiaki once said that I’m one who treasures relationships and friendships more than anything else, and to an extent its true. I’m not one to forget anything, I won’t allow myself to. Because of that I cannot let grudges go. Because every time I think about it, I feel that hatred all over again, as though it were Day 1. my memory enable me to never forget who I’m indebted to, and who I’m not. Friends will forever remain friends, and enemies will never cross that line.
All the more I feel that memories so strong, memories so powerful I cannot forget, and now there’s just one memory left. One precious memory left in my mind that I will never give up. Because that memory is my treasure, because that memory is all I have left. It may have been simple, just a simple memory that no one would understand, but as long as I remembered that memory, I would be happy.
Many of you have told me to forget and move on, to let go. But I won’t, because I can’t. I don’t believe in forgetting anything. I’d rather remember the bad things, than forget the good things that happened to me. Heck, remembering the bad things help me remember why I became who I am today.
It’s strange how one sentence like “you can find me on imbd.com” can strike up this entire strand of thought into my head. I guess with the backstabber on my back I really can no longer bother to keep it in.
I’ve gotten more and more addicted to M.o.v.e. again, because I somehow feel that their song lyrics apply very much to my emotions now, and the music and beat reflect how I feel.
Painless Pain – M.O.V.E.
映像の中の傷負った少女 虚ろにひらいた瞳
eizou no naka no kizu otta shoujo utsuro ni hiraita hitomi
A girl in the mirror, covered in scars, eyes staring blankly
ただ僕は黙ってた ざわついた気持 持て余すように
tada boku wa damatteta zawatsuita kimochi moteamasu youni
I couldn't say a thing as the noisy emotions overwhelmed me
そうNOでもYESでもない アイマイな未来へと
sou NO demo YES demo nai AIMAIna mirai e to
Without a "Yes" or a "No," we live for an unclear future
なぜメッセンジャーは叫び続ける
naze MESSENJA- wa sakebi tsudzukeru
Why does the messenger continue calling out?
Oh, We don't even know just where we are right now
*その愛も願いも叶えてみたいならBreak it up もっと上行きな
*sono ai mo negai mo kanaete mitai nara Break it up motto ue ikina
If you want to try making your dreams come true, break it up, keep going higher
そうさ代弁者はいらない キミにダイレクトで伝えたい
sou sa daibensha wa iranai KIMI ni DAIREKUTO de tsutaetai
Yeah, I don't need a spokesman, I want to tell you directly
その愛も願いも叶えてみたいならBreak it up もっと上行きな
sono ai mo negai mo kanaete mitai nara Break it up motto ue ikina
If you want to try making your dreams come true, break it up, keep going higher
なんのテクニックさえも要らない ココロをあつめてカッ飛ばす
nan no TEKUNIKKU sae mo iranai KOKORO o atsumete KATtobasu
I don't need any technique to knock out your heart
**Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain?
大切なモノを守れるように
taisetsuna MONO o mamoreru you ni
The love and reality around me cry out
Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain?
ここにある愛とリアルが叫ぶ
koko ni aru ai to RIARU ga sakebu
So that I can protect what's precious to me
Painless PAIN
***Can you feel the pain? TVを眉ひそめ見るだけ
***Can you feel the pain? TV o mayu hisome miru dake
***Can you feel the pain? Only watching TV to frown on it
どこかで誰か生きる為 叫んでいることをただ知るだけ
doko ka de dare ka ikiru tame sakende iru koto o tada shiru dake
Only knowing the words shouted so that someone, somewhere can live
後ろ指さされないように サイレントマジョリティー お手本どおり
ushiro yubi sasarenai you ni SAIRENTO MAJORITI- o-tehon doori
Conforming to the silent majority so that no one points fingers behind your back
またほらこんなアイロニー 無情感だけでも伝えたいのに
mata hora konna AIRONI- mujoukan dake demo tsutaetai no ni
Look at this irony: You have no emotions, yet you want to express them
無邪気な子供達は 透きとおる目をしてる
mujakina kodomo-tachi wa sukitooru me o shite'ru
So that my feelings can show through
そうキモチを映しだすように
sou KIMOCHI o utsushidasu you ni
As in the clear eyes of innocent children
Yes, Something that I really wanna feel is love
* repeat
Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain?
いつまでもキミと向き合えるように
itsumade mo KIMI to mukiaeru you ni
I don't want to lose the honest things
Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain Do You Feel The Pain?
まっすぐなモノを無くしたくない
massuguna MONO o nakushitakunai
So that we can always face each other openly
Painless PAIN
It's coming again, oh, like a life in chain,
Can you see her try? Trying not to cry.
Can you feel it? feel it?
痛覚のない群れの中核 目の前にガレキの遊郭
tsuukaku no nai mure no chuukaku me no mae ni GAREKI no yuukaku
The core of a crowd without a sense of pain; a run-down red light district before me
一滴ほどの自由が 買えるかどうかの通貨
itteki hodo no jiyuu ga kaeru ka dou ka no tsuuka
Could currency buy you a drop of freedom?
僕達はこの地球以外 どこにも生きる場所はない
boku-tachi wa kono hoshichuu igai doko ni mo ikiru basho wa nai
There's nowhere else we can live but on this Earth
そうそんなことを何故か 実感できないまま
sou sonna koto o naze ka jikkan dekinai mama
For some reason, we just can't realize those things
Come on, let me touch your Painless PAIN
** repeat
*** repeat
Painless... Painless...
As I even type this I strongly consider what my next step should be. I’m relating very well to this song… I guess maybe that’s why I love M.O.V.E so much, because for some reason their lyrics speak more than just words to me. I hate what I have become. I hate who they see me as now. I’ve changed so much even I can no longer recognize that girl in the mirror. I hate myself for who I have become.
Kisagari-kun once mentioned that I didn’t use to be like this. I used to be happy and carefree, always laughing. When now, it’s hard just to get a smiley face from me. Have I really changed that much? I have known him for less than 1 year. So the excuse “everyone changes” doesn’t apply. No one changes that quickly. Am I changing for a purpose, or are my surroundings moulding me into this girl I’m beginning to hate? At least now I know why I feel so suicidal recently: I want to kill the girl I’ve become. I don’t want to be this girl. But I have no choice. Because my past forbids me to become the girl I used to be. Because of what’s been happening, everything piles on top of one another, until I find myself stressing away, trying not to revive the assassin in me. *p.s. that’s just a figure of speech* I don’t want her to awaken, because once she does, I’m finding it harder and harder to take her back. Simply because I can no longer just ignore what she does, because no longer can I fight what she does. Because more and more I find myself allowing her to do what she does best, and I end up letting her take control.
Nov 20, 2007
Nov 18, 2007
finally the heros event is over. quite surprised at the awesome turnout! 1000 people in 2 days~ its quite amazing even Grace (the in charge of the event) couldnt believe it! and i got to meet the look-alikes of our event... must say they're all nice guys... all 5 of them. we managed to give everything out within the time needed... i was really very surprised at the turnout!
mediacorp so far has been really amazing.. and i love working there so much! though its hard work, but im really learning a lot, from people like azril, grace, selena and benny. liting of course has been a great sensei.. =) and to an extent so is joachim...
oh yeah talking about that i have to go watch that video that joachim needed me to go check. oopssss!!!
all in all, loving my internship.
mediacorp so far has been really amazing.. and i love working there so much! though its hard work, but im really learning a lot, from people like azril, grace, selena and benny. liting of course has been a great sensei.. =) and to an extent so is joachim...
oh yeah talking about that i have to go watch that video that joachim needed me to go check. oopssss!!!
all in all, loving my internship.
Nov 17, 2007
lying awake, as confused as ever
feeling the clash of betrayal.
like a knife upon my back
one that i cannot pull away.
amongst my true friends lie one loophole
one sole person that could ruin my life
amongst them, i thought i could trust
but i was wrong, and its too late to regret.
the damage is done, nothing can bring it back
only the pain of tomorrow
my loneliness feels even stronger than before
knowing that i have to stand alone.
because i now find myself unable to trust
getting betrayed over and over again
true trust lies not in seeking answers
but knowing the possibility of danger.
i had never meant to let so many know
and now i have to keep it to myself
because now i cannot let anyone share my secret.
~~
i suddenly feel so betrayed... but i know its no one's fault. just plain curiousity, simple curiousity.. merged with a smart recepient. although it has nothing to do with either one, the one i cant stand is one who i trust, and the one who betrayed it.
people like these push me back into the shell, and make me realise how alone i have to be, how i have to keep this my own secret.. because already everything is getting out of hand.
i will kill the fucking bastard that sold my secret, whether or not he means it. whether or not he knew it was him, i will enter school with a dagger in my hands, and murder him, just like how he tore my trust.
i dont care about the circumstances, i dont care about the cause and effect. i hate people who swore they'd keep it a secret, and it somehow comes out. how i wish i could have really trusted you.
now im only glad, what i told you wasn't exactly the truth. what i told you, i didnt tell the details, i didnt admit anything. its the clause of an assassin. even if you get captured by the enemy and tortured, you cant reveal anything about me that no one already knows. you cant tell others why i feel this way, because i never told you. you cant tell others the end result, because i never trusted you enough. all you have, is a name. and as long as i protect the bearer to that name, there's nothing anyone can do about it.
my life has literally turned into a war movie.. where everything seems like a battle to me.. each battle i fought, ive come out better. but this battle... when my battle plan is leaked out to the enemy.. can i still possibly salvage it? sure i can change the plan, i can make the enemy think i did. but in the end he might not have believed.
my life's been thrown into a battle zone, one which i fight from afar. one which i intend to win. no matter the consequences.
so when you look at your hands, at the knife you stabbed deep into my back.. remember this... my back is scarred with the remnants of many knives, but my hands, my hands are stained with the blood of many, blood that i know is not my own. because the only one retribution that i believe in for backstabbers is a simple and promising plan: revenge.
if you cant keep my secret. i no longer see the need to keep yours for you.
you messed with the wrong girl this time.
feeling the clash of betrayal.
like a knife upon my back
one that i cannot pull away.
amongst my true friends lie one loophole
one sole person that could ruin my life
amongst them, i thought i could trust
but i was wrong, and its too late to regret.
the damage is done, nothing can bring it back
only the pain of tomorrow
my loneliness feels even stronger than before
knowing that i have to stand alone.
because i now find myself unable to trust
getting betrayed over and over again
true trust lies not in seeking answers
but knowing the possibility of danger.
i had never meant to let so many know
and now i have to keep it to myself
because now i cannot let anyone share my secret.
~~
i suddenly feel so betrayed... but i know its no one's fault. just plain curiousity, simple curiousity.. merged with a smart recepient. although it has nothing to do with either one, the one i cant stand is one who i trust, and the one who betrayed it.
people like these push me back into the shell, and make me realise how alone i have to be, how i have to keep this my own secret.. because already everything is getting out of hand.
i will kill the fucking bastard that sold my secret, whether or not he means it. whether or not he knew it was him, i will enter school with a dagger in my hands, and murder him, just like how he tore my trust.
i dont care about the circumstances, i dont care about the cause and effect. i hate people who swore they'd keep it a secret, and it somehow comes out. how i wish i could have really trusted you.
now im only glad, what i told you wasn't exactly the truth. what i told you, i didnt tell the details, i didnt admit anything. its the clause of an assassin. even if you get captured by the enemy and tortured, you cant reveal anything about me that no one already knows. you cant tell others why i feel this way, because i never told you. you cant tell others the end result, because i never trusted you enough. all you have, is a name. and as long as i protect the bearer to that name, there's nothing anyone can do about it.
my life has literally turned into a war movie.. where everything seems like a battle to me.. each battle i fought, ive come out better. but this battle... when my battle plan is leaked out to the enemy.. can i still possibly salvage it? sure i can change the plan, i can make the enemy think i did. but in the end he might not have believed.
my life's been thrown into a battle zone, one which i fight from afar. one which i intend to win. no matter the consequences.
so when you look at your hands, at the knife you stabbed deep into my back.. remember this... my back is scarred with the remnants of many knives, but my hands, my hands are stained with the blood of many, blood that i know is not my own. because the only one retribution that i believe in for backstabbers is a simple and promising plan: revenge.
if you cant keep my secret. i no longer see the need to keep yours for you.
you messed with the wrong girl this time.
Nov 16, 2007
my mind is settled.
my brain convinced.
my body agrees,
BUT!
my heart still refuses to listen. and that's usually the part i listen to. its stupid, its ridiculous, and yet i know im not going to give up. im just afraid that my imagination is starting to play tricks on me, and that i'm falling into a pithole. ive dug a shallow grave once, and now my imagination is digging a deeper one, giving me memories of things that i knew never happened.
the fine line between my fantasy and my reality is starting to warp, until i know there is going to be one day, one fine day, i will end up believing it. because i can no longer differentiate what's a memory and what's just a fantasy.
and if i cant stop it soon, if i dont stop my imaginations, if i cant darken and straighten that line out... soon, i will have really plunged into my own world, where only i exist, where only my imagination gives me what i want. its scary, because now every memory i have, i have to think... is this really a memory?
thinking back to japan... thinking of going back... its going to bring back even more memories, even more painful memories. it's going to hurt going back. and i know it will. too many happy memories were made there... even memories that i had imagined. too many.
but even if it will hurt, i have to go back. because something tells me there's something for me there. i need to go back because i need to know something.
my heart feels heavy now.. because its broken into so many pieces that i cant pick up even if i watned to. because its broken and torn into a million shards, many of which have faded into the ground.
ive lost my sanity, my humanity. im living on my imagination, my memories. because those are the happy times. i dont see a light shining ahead of me... i want to go back and stop time, and play those scenes over and over again. even thinking back brings the long-lost smile back to my face.
in front, i see darkness. behind, i feel the warmth. i want the past back.
but i know, no matter how hard i want it, i cant have it.
i can only have it in my imagination. but with each lie, with each imagination, everything seems so real.. i really dont know what's real and what's not anymore...
am i really here? am i really existing? or is that just an illusion too?
the more i think about it... the more my life seems to sink into my own illusions.
ive dug a deep hole. and this time, i dont think i can come out that easily. the hole's too deep to jump out.
this time.. this time... i've killed myself. i've killed my physical self so that i could live in an illusion.. because my illusions are now the only place where i can continue to exist, and continue to dream. this body is no longer mine: they're just a puppet of my now eternal illusion.
appropriate blog add, now that i think about it...
my brain convinced.
my body agrees,
BUT!
my heart still refuses to listen. and that's usually the part i listen to. its stupid, its ridiculous, and yet i know im not going to give up. im just afraid that my imagination is starting to play tricks on me, and that i'm falling into a pithole. ive dug a shallow grave once, and now my imagination is digging a deeper one, giving me memories of things that i knew never happened.
the fine line between my fantasy and my reality is starting to warp, until i know there is going to be one day, one fine day, i will end up believing it. because i can no longer differentiate what's a memory and what's just a fantasy.
and if i cant stop it soon, if i dont stop my imaginations, if i cant darken and straighten that line out... soon, i will have really plunged into my own world, where only i exist, where only my imagination gives me what i want. its scary, because now every memory i have, i have to think... is this really a memory?
thinking back to japan... thinking of going back... its going to bring back even more memories, even more painful memories. it's going to hurt going back. and i know it will. too many happy memories were made there... even memories that i had imagined. too many.
but even if it will hurt, i have to go back. because something tells me there's something for me there. i need to go back because i need to know something.
my heart feels heavy now.. because its broken into so many pieces that i cant pick up even if i watned to. because its broken and torn into a million shards, many of which have faded into the ground.
ive lost my sanity, my humanity. im living on my imagination, my memories. because those are the happy times. i dont see a light shining ahead of me... i want to go back and stop time, and play those scenes over and over again. even thinking back brings the long-lost smile back to my face.
in front, i see darkness. behind, i feel the warmth. i want the past back.
but i know, no matter how hard i want it, i cant have it.
i can only have it in my imagination. but with each lie, with each imagination, everything seems so real.. i really dont know what's real and what's not anymore...
am i really here? am i really existing? or is that just an illusion too?
the more i think about it... the more my life seems to sink into my own illusions.
ive dug a deep hole. and this time, i dont think i can come out that easily. the hole's too deep to jump out.
this time.. this time... i've killed myself. i've killed my physical self so that i could live in an illusion.. because my illusions are now the only place where i can continue to exist, and continue to dream. this body is no longer mine: they're just a puppet of my now eternal illusion.
appropriate blog add, now that i think about it...
Nov 14, 2007
You really never realise the time passing by. All you can do is look forward, and hope that everything will be okay. You never fail to notice the time, because it alawys moves. It’s already Wednesday, and yet I feel like I’m stuck in yesterday. Recently I had found the time somewhere to do a lot of thinking… I can’t call it profound thinking, but I’ve understood quite a lot of things. The fact that during this period of internship, I don’t miss certain people. Proves to me that I can forget them, that I can live without them.
No, before you ask me, I’m not talking about him. I’m talking about the hypocrites I can call classmates, those that at this point in time somehow make merry with the rest. Somehow, they could forget the past, forget the past 2 years. Well, I can’t. and I never will.
Yesterday I had the chance to talk to Desmond (yes my ex Desmond). He hasn’t really changed much, except for his craving for Naruto which at this point in time is stronger than my own. I ugess I just don’t have the energy to watch anything anymore. Working in mediacorp is fun, but tiring. Although its rewarding, I cant deny that it’s very tiring. Each day I get up, and by the end of the day I’m ready to go to bed. I can even forgo MSN every few days.
Like I said, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I have come to a conclusion: I’ve changed. So many factors in my life have not, rather it is me. Gone were the days that I could fully be happy… for some reason I’m constantly brooding about things nowadays.
Thank goodness I can get my mind off these crap when I’m working.
Oh yeah.. congrates to sam, who did very well for his project presentation. You couldn’t have done it without me xD hahaha.
My parents have said that now, children no longer need typing lessons. And I guess its true. Technology has played that big a part in our lives that its no longer necessary. It’s more prominent at work, when you see people from various walks of life, you realise how much your past helps you become who you are today… in my case… a very very emo person. But not to the extent of suicide. Not yet anyway.
I love the group of people I’m working with. Liting, who helps me with everything… Grace who’s funny and cheerful all the time… Benny, my damn cool boss… Selena… my witty and happy-go-lucky contact person… as well as the others whom I haven’t gotten much chance to work with yet… azril… who showed me the web team, and constantly asks me to burn things for him xD … and finally Pam… who I don’t know much because i haven’t gotten a chance to work with her yet…
Then also there’s my lunch buddies… Joachim, jeremiah and Olivia…
But all in all, I still miss SP a hell load… the people I want to see there… the people I already am starting to miss… especially my clubhouse! Haii.. I miss SP so damn much.
No, before you ask me, I’m not talking about him. I’m talking about the hypocrites I can call classmates, those that at this point in time somehow make merry with the rest. Somehow, they could forget the past, forget the past 2 years. Well, I can’t. and I never will.
Yesterday I had the chance to talk to Desmond (yes my ex Desmond). He hasn’t really changed much, except for his craving for Naruto which at this point in time is stronger than my own. I ugess I just don’t have the energy to watch anything anymore. Working in mediacorp is fun, but tiring. Although its rewarding, I cant deny that it’s very tiring. Each day I get up, and by the end of the day I’m ready to go to bed. I can even forgo MSN every few days.
Like I said, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I have come to a conclusion: I’ve changed. So many factors in my life have not, rather it is me. Gone were the days that I could fully be happy… for some reason I’m constantly brooding about things nowadays.
Thank goodness I can get my mind off these crap when I’m working.
Oh yeah.. congrates to sam, who did very well for his project presentation. You couldn’t have done it without me xD hahaha.
My parents have said that now, children no longer need typing lessons. And I guess its true. Technology has played that big a part in our lives that its no longer necessary. It’s more prominent at work, when you see people from various walks of life, you realise how much your past helps you become who you are today… in my case… a very very emo person. But not to the extent of suicide. Not yet anyway.
I love the group of people I’m working with. Liting, who helps me with everything… Grace who’s funny and cheerful all the time… Benny, my damn cool boss… Selena… my witty and happy-go-lucky contact person… as well as the others whom I haven’t gotten much chance to work with yet… azril… who showed me the web team, and constantly asks me to burn things for him xD … and finally Pam… who I don’t know much because i haven’t gotten a chance to work with her yet…
Then also there’s my lunch buddies… Joachim, jeremiah and Olivia…
But all in all, I still miss SP a hell load… the people I want to see there… the people I already am starting to miss… especially my clubhouse! Haii.. I miss SP so damn much.
Nov 13, 2007
its a good thing im so tired recently. because now that i am, i dont have time to think about anything. when i come home, instead of simply checking if he's online... i've lost the interest to talk because i know i need to go off soon.
even my sats are packed full until i feel like crap.
i dont want to think about him anymore. i dont want to bother anymore. because there's nothing more. there never was. its now more obvious than ever.
oh well.
i need sleep. the lack of sleep is making me very very emo. and ive been told im not always so emo. apparently there was a point in time i was happy. just cant seem to remember that time...
even my sats are packed full until i feel like crap.
i dont want to think about him anymore. i dont want to bother anymore. because there's nothing more. there never was. its now more obvious than ever.
oh well.
i need sleep. the lack of sleep is making me very very emo. and ive been told im not always so emo. apparently there was a point in time i was happy. just cant seem to remember that time...
is it wrong to feel happy over others' misery? knowing that you, at this point in time, are better off?
im not even talking about friends, or work, or anything of that sort. recently a man has been shouting curse words below my flat... i believe its abuse of some sort. guess it really made me think that at least.. i dont have an abusive family. yes im self-abusive, thats one thing... but family? at least at home, in my room, i feel safe.
its like, i imagine if i were on the receiving end of all those words... i probably would have broken down. thats how fights start. but i guess, if that were the case, id probably be stronger than i am now. maybe that would have been better.
recently i guess you can say im feeling a little.. confused. what with everything going on here and there. its not a matter of priority... but i find myself unable to control my thoughts. we're drifting away, i know that for a fact, and yet.. I DONT KNOW. GRR! damn im pissed with myself.
it hurts more than any painkiller can relief. i really need pain to counter my pain. and once again ive started on the road to no return. damn me. i hate myself.
im not even talking about friends, or work, or anything of that sort. recently a man has been shouting curse words below my flat... i believe its abuse of some sort. guess it really made me think that at least.. i dont have an abusive family. yes im self-abusive, thats one thing... but family? at least at home, in my room, i feel safe.
its like, i imagine if i were on the receiving end of all those words... i probably would have broken down. thats how fights start. but i guess, if that were the case, id probably be stronger than i am now. maybe that would have been better.
recently i guess you can say im feeling a little.. confused. what with everything going on here and there. its not a matter of priority... but i find myself unable to control my thoughts. we're drifting away, i know that for a fact, and yet.. I DONT KNOW. GRR! damn im pissed with myself.
it hurts more than any painkiller can relief. i really need pain to counter my pain. and once again ive started on the road to no return. damn me. i hate myself.
Nov 12, 2007
Nov 11, 2007
dont say things that you dont mean. dont give me empty promises, hoping that i didnt mean a single word. dont give me empty promises, thinking that i wont do it, or cant.
because now that ive told you i want to.. now you tell me i cant. those words you said 2 months ago.. what were they? happy lies? words you said to make me feel happy just for that minute, thinking that there was hope? or words that you said to make the pain less significant, hoping that i would forget and move on?
because the pain is now more significant than ever.
you gave me hope, you gave me the chance to think that it wasn't over, that i would defninitely see her again. u gave me the strength to save and scrimp on my money, hoping that one day i would have enough to go back. every day now ive listened to itsumademo, and told myself that one day i'll be with yuka again.
now the pain's come back, and its come back at thrice the level. the penknife has been left there too long, and now the pain's back and its much worse.
the false hope you've given me for two months, it made me happy. and now, you tell me you've lied to me. never again.
never will i listen to each word that you say, and make myself believe that there was hope. because there never was.
i told you 2 months ago i was probably going back, you said okay. even when you knew it was probably just 3 guys, and me and another girl. now its 2 other girls, one of which knows the place quite well.
every argument u said, i could counter you. but you were never satisfied with the answer. and since you cant live with the answer i can give you, i wont give you anymore.
thats it. im going on a strike. both to save money, and both to remind me of what's happened.
im not going on this strike so you'd let me go. thats already passed. im going on this strike because u lied to me and because you gave me false hope. im going on this strike, because i've lost all respect for you.
if i didnt remind you of my allowance, heck you'd probably forget about it anyway.
each time i look, the penknife is starting to look more and more tempting, and yet im pushing it away. i wonder how long more can i continue to resist.
you claim you understand, but do you really? the only people who understand this urge to go back are those who've been there. have you?
i told you, they hosted me, they've seen me for 12 days. i need to go back.
you rebutted that you've been looking after me for 19 years.
but you dont undetstand... they're not my family. they have no obligation to look after me. you dont understand their culture... no one ever does until they've even been under an exchange programme. its true, no singapore family can offer that to me. japanese, though they rarely open their house to others, opened it to me, a complete stranger.
i will earn that 4k. i will prove you wrong. i will show u.. i have the money. i can go. and that the only thing that's stopping me, is not your word, but the fact that you're holding on to my passport.
i hate you. i hate you for lying to me. i hate you for giving me hope. and now, i cant even get myself to respect you anymore.
DONT EVER GIVE ME FALSE HOPE AGAIN. i will choose never to let you give me hope again. because i choose never to listen to you. because i choose never to talk to you ever again.
because now that ive told you i want to.. now you tell me i cant. those words you said 2 months ago.. what were they? happy lies? words you said to make me feel happy just for that minute, thinking that there was hope? or words that you said to make the pain less significant, hoping that i would forget and move on?
because the pain is now more significant than ever.
you gave me hope, you gave me the chance to think that it wasn't over, that i would defninitely see her again. u gave me the strength to save and scrimp on my money, hoping that one day i would have enough to go back. every day now ive listened to itsumademo, and told myself that one day i'll be with yuka again.
now the pain's come back, and its come back at thrice the level. the penknife has been left there too long, and now the pain's back and its much worse.
the false hope you've given me for two months, it made me happy. and now, you tell me you've lied to me. never again.
never will i listen to each word that you say, and make myself believe that there was hope. because there never was.
i told you 2 months ago i was probably going back, you said okay. even when you knew it was probably just 3 guys, and me and another girl. now its 2 other girls, one of which knows the place quite well.
every argument u said, i could counter you. but you were never satisfied with the answer. and since you cant live with the answer i can give you, i wont give you anymore.
thats it. im going on a strike. both to save money, and both to remind me of what's happened.
im not going on this strike so you'd let me go. thats already passed. im going on this strike because u lied to me and because you gave me false hope. im going on this strike, because i've lost all respect for you.
if i didnt remind you of my allowance, heck you'd probably forget about it anyway.
each time i look, the penknife is starting to look more and more tempting, and yet im pushing it away. i wonder how long more can i continue to resist.
you claim you understand, but do you really? the only people who understand this urge to go back are those who've been there. have you?
i told you, they hosted me, they've seen me for 12 days. i need to go back.
you rebutted that you've been looking after me for 19 years.
but you dont undetstand... they're not my family. they have no obligation to look after me. you dont understand their culture... no one ever does until they've even been under an exchange programme. its true, no singapore family can offer that to me. japanese, though they rarely open their house to others, opened it to me, a complete stranger.
i will earn that 4k. i will prove you wrong. i will show u.. i have the money. i can go. and that the only thing that's stopping me, is not your word, but the fact that you're holding on to my passport.
i hate you. i hate you for lying to me. i hate you for giving me hope. and now, i cant even get myself to respect you anymore.
DONT EVER GIVE ME FALSE HOPE AGAIN. i will choose never to let you give me hope again. because i choose never to listen to you. because i choose never to talk to you ever again.
hmm. i dont have much time left. i still havent asked my parents yet.. im counting the money right about now xD.
lets see..
17 weeks.. hmm.. if each week i save.. 30.. that makes it... 520.
+ money from cny.. which is about another $300.
+ internship = 1500
which means total i hit 2320. obviously this means i will need to borrow money.
i hope my parents are okay with it... seems fun to be meeting the miya girls again.. fun to be touring around kanazawa with me as a tour guide.
=p now comes the logistics.. checking of prices.. tour agencies.. etcetc.
lets see..
17 weeks.. hmm.. if each week i save.. 30.. that makes it... 520.
+ money from cny.. which is about another $300.
+ internship = 1500
which means total i hit 2320. obviously this means i will need to borrow money.
i hope my parents are okay with it... seems fun to be meeting the miya girls again.. fun to be touring around kanazawa with me as a tour guide.
=p now comes the logistics.. checking of prices.. tour agencies.. etcetc.
hai just came back for a while for my mediacorp event. hahahaha. ^^ it was damn fun, but now i have no voice.
basically i spent the day shouting at people (nicely, of course), to tell them why we were there.. to promote the HERO thingy for mcs.
we managed to finish it before the allocated 2 hours.. and headed back. i met kisagari-kun... spent some time watching a movie, playing DDR (yes my legs are still v pain)... and some other weirdo stuff. was fun...
kisagari-kun gave me a tiny plush kitty... which i named kiryuu.. no idea why. it looks nothing like a dragon. oh well. im pretty much very tired now...
still confused about a lot of things.. but i'll slowly work it out.
the other interns at mediacorp are quite nice.. and funny in a certain way...
liting is the girl whom i love the most.. haha she's always helping me out with things. xD hahaha. she has taught me quite a bit.
joachim (as i now know how its spelt).. is very blur. based on yesterday's email incident i have concluded that.
jeremiah (as i finally remembered his name)... has... a little of hiryuu-kun's character. not the "ADIDAS" part... the other parts. i shall not elaborate.
as for audre, i dont know him that well, and he doesnt seem to recognise me either xD hahahaha.
olivia, ive learnt quite a bit about her.. and about other cohort-mates. cant say much about that...
ok i really got to go to bed. too damn sleepy.
basically i spent the day shouting at people (nicely, of course), to tell them why we were there.. to promote the HERO thingy for mcs.
we managed to finish it before the allocated 2 hours.. and headed back. i met kisagari-kun... spent some time watching a movie, playing DDR (yes my legs are still v pain)... and some other weirdo stuff. was fun...
kisagari-kun gave me a tiny plush kitty... which i named kiryuu.. no idea why. it looks nothing like a dragon. oh well. im pretty much very tired now...
still confused about a lot of things.. but i'll slowly work it out.
the other interns at mediacorp are quite nice.. and funny in a certain way...
liting is the girl whom i love the most.. haha she's always helping me out with things. xD hahaha. she has taught me quite a bit.
joachim (as i now know how its spelt).. is very blur. based on yesterday's email incident i have concluded that.
jeremiah (as i finally remembered his name)... has... a little of hiryuu-kun's character. not the "ADIDAS" part... the other parts. i shall not elaborate.
as for audre, i dont know him that well, and he doesnt seem to recognise me either xD hahahaha.
olivia, ive learnt quite a bit about her.. and about other cohort-mates. cant say much about that...
ok i really got to go to bed. too damn sleepy.
Nov 9, 2007
today liting didnt come to work.. so it was just me and joachim.. hahaha. i learnt some stuff from him today.. talked to him a little. quite a fun guy lol.
joachim damn lame... he ask me to send him the email webpage... and told me to email it to him... apparently he forgot that he had to access the EMAIL, he needed the webpage. so in the end he came to my table to get it LOL! weirdo. ahaha. but damn funny la.
then did some talking with kisagari-kun... apparently we talked over an hour... and im going to meet him tomorrow. my first online meeting hahaha.
tomorrow is mediacorp event. sounds fun. need to wake up early tomorrow though.. xD hahahaha.
met fufu chan quite a few times recently. =P havent seen the rest either.
joachim damn lame... he ask me to send him the email webpage... and told me to email it to him... apparently he forgot that he had to access the EMAIL, he needed the webpage. so in the end he came to my table to get it LOL! weirdo. ahaha. but damn funny la.
then did some talking with kisagari-kun... apparently we talked over an hour... and im going to meet him tomorrow. my first online meeting hahaha.
tomorrow is mediacorp event. sounds fun. need to wake up early tomorrow though.. xD hahahaha.
met fufu chan quite a few times recently. =P havent seen the rest either.
Nov 8, 2007
there's a lot of planning that has to be done.. time coordination, transport coordination. even money coordination LOL.
its a lot of work to be done, but hell it has to be done.
i hate myself now. i hate myself for planning all these.
crap. but i need to go back.
i need to.
i have to.
TIME TO BRUSH UP ON JAPANESE!!!
p.s. now you know how its like being me. now you know how much i hate you. know you know... karma!
its a lot of work to be done, but hell it has to be done.
i hate myself now. i hate myself for planning all these.
crap. but i need to go back.
i need to.
i have to.
TIME TO BRUSH UP ON JAPANESE!!!
p.s. now you know how its like being me. now you know how much i hate you. know you know... karma!
yes i koped this from きさがり kun. was damn bored. deepavali. XD
Pick five anime series, assort them randomly and then answer the questions. If you're going to do this meme, try not to look at the questions before you decide the ranks!
1. Which is your favorite series from your list? And why?
probably Initial D bah.. firstly because 高橋りょうすけ and 高橋けいすけ are my idols, secondly its very energetic and refreshing to watch
2. If you were to pair two characters from 1 and 4, who would they be?
L and Robin. L would be very intrigued by Robin's power, and they can match their brain power against each other.
3. What is one thing you'd like to change about 3's plotline?
The ending. Seiryuu seishi were under talked, and too easily killed. (PLS LA. SUBOSHI NOT THAT PATHETIC DE CAN!)
4. If both main characters of 2 and 5 were falling off a cliff, which one would you save?
DNAngel's Daisuke can easily turn into Dark.. Dark has wings. plus daisuke got wings in the end. he can fly. no problem. initial d's takumi though.. probably will save him. for the sake of project D. if not they have no downhill specialist.
5. Which event was the most horrible for you in 1?
The very anti-climax Amon. I cant stand emo characters.
6. Which is your least favorite character of 2?
Risa. She's too whiny.
7. If the antagonist of 3 were to rape the main character of 1, what would you do?
Nakago. Quite possibly Robin. He nearly raped Miaka anyway.. probably he thinks he can seal the demon in Robin too~
8. What song reminds you of 5?
Techno. they play that down the races all the time. Very suiting to the tempo of the race. Without the techno music, Initial D has no pick.
9. Of 1, 3, and 5, which is the easiest to think about?
Initial D... think about the races, how to improve them, spot the potential probabilities.. not Fushigi Yuugi because i get damn pissed whenever i see Miaka's face and how they portrayed Seiryuu as a pathetic loss.
10. Are the protagonists of 2 and 4 similar?
2 and 4... Daisuke (Dark) vs Light? LOL. aside from the common interest in their names, they have nothing in common. Daisuke is a brainless kid that whines a lot (imagine a female usagi)... and Light is an evil genius. NOT SIMILAR AT ALL!
i dont see the point of this quiz, really.. =X i thought it would be fun. stupid! LOL
Pick five anime series, assort them randomly and then answer the questions. If you're going to do this meme, try not to look at the questions before you decide the ranks!
- Witch Hunter Robin
- DN Angel
- Fushigi Yuugi
- Death Note
- Initial D
1. Which is your favorite series from your list? And why?
probably Initial D bah.. firstly because 高橋りょうすけ and 高橋けいすけ are my idols, secondly its very energetic and refreshing to watch
2. If you were to pair two characters from 1 and 4, who would they be?
L and Robin. L would be very intrigued by Robin's power, and they can match their brain power against each other.
3. What is one thing you'd like to change about 3's plotline?
The ending. Seiryuu seishi were under talked, and too easily killed. (PLS LA. SUBOSHI NOT THAT PATHETIC DE CAN!)
4. If both main characters of 2 and 5 were falling off a cliff, which one would you save?
DNAngel's Daisuke can easily turn into Dark.. Dark has wings. plus daisuke got wings in the end. he can fly. no problem. initial d's takumi though.. probably will save him. for the sake of project D. if not they have no downhill specialist.
5. Which event was the most horrible for you in 1?
The very anti-climax Amon. I cant stand emo characters.
6. Which is your least favorite character of 2?
Risa. She's too whiny.
7. If the antagonist of 3 were to rape the main character of 1, what would you do?
Nakago. Quite possibly Robin. He nearly raped Miaka anyway.. probably he thinks he can seal the demon in Robin too~
8. What song reminds you of 5?
Techno. they play that down the races all the time. Very suiting to the tempo of the race. Without the techno music, Initial D has no pick.
9. Of 1, 3, and 5, which is the easiest to think about?
Initial D... think about the races, how to improve them, spot the potential probabilities.. not Fushigi Yuugi because i get damn pissed whenever i see Miaka's face and how they portrayed Seiryuu as a pathetic loss.
10. Are the protagonists of 2 and 4 similar?
2 and 4... Daisuke (Dark) vs Light? LOL. aside from the common interest in their names, they have nothing in common. Daisuke is a brainless kid that whines a lot (imagine a female usagi)... and Light is an evil genius. NOT SIMILAR AT ALL!
i dont see the point of this quiz, really.. =X i thought it would be fun. stupid! LOL
my schedule's looking kinda packed recently.. hahaha. what with one thing and another.
work, dance performances, meeting friends... hahaha. i love the life i live now. mediacorp's starting to get a little busy, but i love the place more than ever now.
im back on an emotional roller coaster ride, and i dont know how to get off. people i dont know are comforting me, and they make me feel a lot better.
the guys are busy now.. or i'd hold another gathering. heck im busy too... hahahaha. nevermind i shall find some time to hold another gathering somewhere..
suddenly im looking up all the friends i lost.. the friends i made in the past...
i cant wait for sat's event! (though i wont say much because im afraid of saying too much! xD hahaha)
still trying to think of that guy's name... hmmmm...
work, dance performances, meeting friends... hahaha. i love the life i live now. mediacorp's starting to get a little busy, but i love the place more than ever now.
im back on an emotional roller coaster ride, and i dont know how to get off. people i dont know are comforting me, and they make me feel a lot better.
the guys are busy now.. or i'd hold another gathering. heck im busy too... hahahaha. nevermind i shall find some time to hold another gathering somewhere..
suddenly im looking up all the friends i lost.. the friends i made in the past...
i cant wait for sat's event! (though i wont say much because im afraid of saying too much! xD hahaha)
still trying to think of that guy's name... hmmmm...
goodbye mr low. first it was mrs lim leaving, now its you. oddly enough, i've managed to meet you quite a few times as well.. once during LTC.. once during Kanazawa. each time overseas, each time in different countries.
you leaving will change the way the school is run , and although im sure mr harry tan will be a good principal, i will miss you as well.
i had deeply wanted to go for the farewell celebration, but i couldn't.. =( stupid internship.
oh well. i'll miss the way SP was under your reign.
its just not the same anymore...
Nov 6, 2007
cant forget.
and yet forcing myself not to remember.
it hurts.
because i dont have an answer.
because im still looking for it.
because i dont want to, because i cant... give up.
i dont want to.
~~
on the high side, ive made a few friends at mediacorp. funnily, we're all interns! yiting and wei sheng from NP... joaquim and andrey (dunno hw to spell) from NYP. nice guys all of them. =)
and yet forcing myself not to remember.
it hurts.
because i dont have an answer.
because im still looking for it.
because i dont want to, because i cant... give up.
i dont want to.
~~
on the high side, ive made a few friends at mediacorp. funnily, we're all interns! yiting and wei sheng from NP... joaquim and andrey (dunno hw to spell) from NYP. nice guys all of them. =)
today's depressing topic: freedom.
is having a curfew honestly make you feel restricted? it does to me. knowing i have to report everything 3 days before hand... its like club activities all over again.
they care, i know. they love me, i know. but is it really what's bothering me?
since i was young i could never have the freedom i wanted. i understood then: i was sick. that i could understand. but now.. how does that explain now?
this feeling im feeling, i cant quite place it. its a mix of everything.
i think i need some time to think through things... and i guess i have to do it alone...
why is there any need to think? got think to think about meh?
that's what she said... ^^ i hate it. she doubts every word i say.
くるしい だから。
is having a curfew honestly make you feel restricted? it does to me. knowing i have to report everything 3 days before hand... its like club activities all over again.
they care, i know. they love me, i know. but is it really what's bothering me?
since i was young i could never have the freedom i wanted. i understood then: i was sick. that i could understand. but now.. how does that explain now?
this feeling im feeling, i cant quite place it. its a mix of everything.
i think i need some time to think through things... and i guess i have to do it alone...
why is there any need to think? got think to think about meh?
that's what she said... ^^ i hate it. she doubts every word i say.
くるしい だから。
Nov 5, 2007
just finished internship. damn cool. i love working there! its not even like working.. its quite fun actually..
all i got to say is... through the three years... thank you for making life easy for me now. because of all the stress that you've put me through, all the stress and the pain..the sleepless nights that we went through, work now is like a charm. its not even like i'm working! and i met the best people too...
yiting from NP.. who's also an intern... in fact i spent my lunch with all the interns... im sorry but right now i cant remember their names.. xD
there was... yiting and another guy from NP... two guys from NYP... and of course me and olivia from SP. 3 guys and 3 girls. damn funny.
got to love working at mediacorp. thought it was going to be stress... but for now i really love the place!
all i got to say is... through the three years... thank you for making life easy for me now. because of all the stress that you've put me through, all the stress and the pain..the sleepless nights that we went through, work now is like a charm. its not even like i'm working! and i met the best people too...
yiting from NP.. who's also an intern... in fact i spent my lunch with all the interns... im sorry but right now i cant remember their names.. xD
there was... yiting and another guy from NP... two guys from NYP... and of course me and olivia from SP. 3 guys and 3 girls. damn funny.
got to love working at mediacorp. thought it was going to be stress... but for now i really love the place!
Nov 4, 2007
thank you to all who consoled me. especially アロイ -kun and hiryuu-kun. i figured out what's wrong. thank you fufu-chan too, for tarot-ing for me. its quite accurate if its what i think it is...
last night i was thinking to myself of a number i couldn't place.
today i decided, just now, to message that unknown number, and see if i got a reply. and i did.
guess who it was?
desmond. no not the one i recently met from Citibank. the desmond from year 1, currently in NP. yes, my ex boyfriend desmond. =X i dont know why, but suddenly recalling his number reminded me how much i couldn't forget him at one point, and now i cant wait to forget.
went out with fufu-chan today to get my printed works.. said it would rain and it did. said it wont rain at my house, and it didn't. i no longer care for coincidences... as fufu said... something about loneliness, about cynism and something else. made me realise for this case at least, it makes sense.
tomorrow internship begins. i really cant wait.
p.s. ありがとう ね、 アロイ くん。 でんわ を 話して。。 ほんと に ありがとう。
im not worried about it anymore. in fact, i'll take the opportunity to do what i intended to do. the fact that im right makes me slightly more confident in moving my plans forward.
p.s.s. for some reason andrew found my friendster. yes, JCC president andrew. no idea how, dont wanna know. he looks skinnier in photogrpahs than in real life xD hahahahaa. no offence.
last night i was thinking to myself of a number i couldn't place.
today i decided, just now, to message that unknown number, and see if i got a reply. and i did.
guess who it was?
desmond. no not the one i recently met from Citibank. the desmond from year 1, currently in NP. yes, my ex boyfriend desmond. =X i dont know why, but suddenly recalling his number reminded me how much i couldn't forget him at one point, and now i cant wait to forget.
went out with fufu-chan today to get my printed works.. said it would rain and it did. said it wont rain at my house, and it didn't. i no longer care for coincidences... as fufu said... something about loneliness, about cynism and something else. made me realise for this case at least, it makes sense.
tomorrow internship begins. i really cant wait.
p.s. ありがとう ね、 アロイ くん。 でんわ を 話して。。 ほんと に ありがとう。
im not worried about it anymore. in fact, i'll take the opportunity to do what i intended to do. the fact that im right makes me slightly more confident in moving my plans forward.
p.s.s. for some reason andrew found my friendster. yes, JCC president andrew. no idea how, dont wanna know. he looks skinnier in photogrpahs than in real life xD hahahahaa. no offence.
have you ever had the funny feeling, of not knowing what the hell is going on.. ever since yesterday i begun to have a bad feeling.. a feeling so bad i couldn't eat nor sleep. and up to now im still tired: but that feeling is still there. i dont feel its right to leave the house.. and at the same time i dont feel its right to leave the house.
i believe in 6th sense, and i have always had quite an accurate 6th sense when it counts for it. and the feelings now that im feeling is a very bad feeling... something i know i'll regret knowing when it comes.
i hope nothing goes wrong..
i believe in 6th sense, and i have always had quite an accurate 6th sense when it counts for it. and the feelings now that im feeling is a very bad feeling... something i know i'll regret knowing when it comes.
i hope nothing goes wrong..
Nov 3, 2007
okay.. first let me point out that this entry MIGHT be a little... colorful for your tastes. and let me say that I USUALLY DO NOT TALK ABOUT THIS KIND OF HENTAI THINGS ON MY BLOG!!!
but please bear with me... there's a purpose to the entire thing.
firstly, let me do some background information. we had a mini miyazaki gathering today.. really last minute. i wasnt even supposed to be out of the house!!!! but nevermind... my parents decided to let me out in the end.. because i missed them sooo much!
so before i left the h0use.. i had a feeling i should be wearing shoes.. because i had a feeling wearing boots was a bad idea. vaguely recalled thinking that it would break. but i decided not to care.
so i was with sarin and fufu... then we actually planned to return money de la... then we ended up eating at AJI TEI. OKAY THE FOOD THERE IS HORRIBLE. the portions have shrunk, and not to mention their "so called warm" kind of deserts are SOFT. is mochi supposed to be as soft as chinese kueh? I DONT THINK SO! and we complained.. worse still.. they thought we assumed its expired. which we didnt. NEVERMIND.
we went to eat dango after that.. not full... and the DAMN DANGO WAS SWEET!!! okay the soy sauce masked the taste, but the pure dango ball had a sweetener.. -.- even the japanese food in singapore has to be... modified to fit our tastebuds.. OH WELL!!! once again.. NEVERMIND!
fufu and i then took a short detour to find ping! haha we saw some of our classmates there, but we left soon after. the trio then headed to shaw.. where we bought a variety of food that we knew could be found in japan... damn thinking about it made me think of yuka... i bought that milk tea that hiryuu-kun, joe-kun and i shared during Kanazawa (on the last day of the trip, with the spaghetti)... then we bought the 95yen CHEESE!!! WOOO! I LOVE THE CHEESE (and incidentally, so does yuka)...
after that.. we got a little tired.. so the trio went to wheelock to sit. AND THERE BEGINS ALL THE ODDNESS.
first we were talking about random stuff, (miyazaki, kanazawa... colin, heidi...) doing random stuff. the topic moved on to saya from KTC.. about how poor アロイ-kun was then traumatised by the flashing... then suddenly from nowhere this girl runs across from where i was staring at. OKAY firstly her skirt was damn short. not the point. it was flowy. therefore when running, skirt goes UP! ok nevermind. fufu made a comment about how hiryuu-kun was influencing me. xD its not true la.... just so happen that she was running where i was staring ma... not my fault!!!
after that... we started talking more abt kanazawa... then headed on to... where was it... hm.. i think... far east. there.. we saw very weird things.. such as "army gang" and not to mention other funny clothes that reminded us of a certain classmate.
we then wanted some dinner.. so headed over to.. subway. THATS when the scary part started. OKAY IM INNOCENT HERE!!! anyway, i headed to subway, and we ordered. silly fufu decided to sit next to the queue... where let me say first.. there was a ledge.
not bad enough.
i wanted to sit with fufu, facing AWAY from the queue, but on the other side, was this KINDA plump woman, with half a butt sticking out of her pants. that sight really made me lose my stomach.. so i changed place. ended up being me FACING the queue.
then a number of things happened in that one hour.
FIRST... a girl attempts to sit on the ledge. TOTALLY exposing herself. NOT BAD ENOUGH... she was wearing.. never mind that one a little too much for me to say..
THEN.. another girl... courting danger one she.. open her legs like damn big la. okay NEVERMIND.
by then my mind was seriously reeling with all the "Sights" i did not want to see in a day. then i made a general comment.
"wahhh. today damn weird leh. every time we talk abt this kind of thing, once i look up from my food, i see it. a bit too accurate la..."
then fufu said "aya... u really too influenced by hiryuu-kun le la..."
me: "NO LOR! THEY WANT TO SHOW ME ONE LOR! not my fault im sitting here la! wa... if i see him today.. really mark the end of my suay and accurate day."
sarin-san: "not so qiao wan la... if really like that.. must buy TOTO sia..."
so okay. we ate finish.. decided to walk back to far east and cross to the DFS shop for fun.
just before i took the escalator up... i heard...
"WEI! XIAO QIANG!" it wasnt the words that caught my attention. it was the voice.
Shit. not that coincidental bah? i turn around. wa. sure enough. less than 10 minutes after i said that... i really met hiryuu-kun... something is really weird about today.
i vaguely remembered telling him something abt "you really marked the end of my suay day"... NOT BAD ENOUGH.
i msged xiu to tell her abt the COINCIDENCE.. and she never replied. found it was odd.. then i said to myself.. "haha. maybe she lost her HP..." and SHE JUST TOLD ME SHE LOST IT! OMG shit la. i think i made her lose it. i shall shut up for the rest of the day... but ANYWAY...
when we hit DFS... okay that was fine.. until my sole nearly broke off! OMG REALLY SOMETHING TOO ACCURATE ABOUT EVERYTHING I SAID TODAAY.
in the end.. fufu and sarin said they would buy toto... or 4D... hahahaha.
apart from the major coincidences and the funny things we talked about, i miss having them around... =( miss all the other girls too... heidi, xinyi, xiaoran, shuet ni, christina, even the guys nicholas and clement. miyazaki rios still maintain that strong bond that i fear even 19th MILE doesnt have. ah well....
we thrashed a lot of things today. and its damn scary. too many coincidences.. im psychic today.. >.< DAMMMNNN SCARY.
ok end of long long post. sorry if i grossed u out. be glad i didnt write the worst part (would be what's under the 1st girls' skirt. its not my fault. it was damn obvious)
but please bear with me... there's a purpose to the entire thing.
firstly, let me do some background information. we had a mini miyazaki gathering today.. really last minute. i wasnt even supposed to be out of the house!!!! but nevermind... my parents decided to let me out in the end.. because i missed them sooo much!
so before i left the h0use.. i had a feeling i should be wearing shoes.. because i had a feeling wearing boots was a bad idea. vaguely recalled thinking that it would break. but i decided not to care.
so i was with sarin and fufu... then we actually planned to return money de la... then we ended up eating at AJI TEI. OKAY THE FOOD THERE IS HORRIBLE. the portions have shrunk, and not to mention their "so called warm" kind of deserts are SOFT. is mochi supposed to be as soft as chinese kueh? I DONT THINK SO! and we complained.. worse still.. they thought we assumed its expired. which we didnt. NEVERMIND.
we went to eat dango after that.. not full... and the DAMN DANGO WAS SWEET!!! okay the soy sauce masked the taste, but the pure dango ball had a sweetener.. -.- even the japanese food in singapore has to be... modified to fit our tastebuds.. OH WELL!!! once again.. NEVERMIND!
fufu and i then took a short detour to find ping! haha we saw some of our classmates there, but we left soon after. the trio then headed to shaw.. where we bought a variety of food that we knew could be found in japan... damn thinking about it made me think of yuka... i bought that milk tea that hiryuu-kun, joe-kun and i shared during Kanazawa (on the last day of the trip, with the spaghetti)... then we bought the 95yen CHEESE!!! WOOO! I LOVE THE CHEESE (and incidentally, so does yuka)...
after that.. we got a little tired.. so the trio went to wheelock to sit. AND THERE BEGINS ALL THE ODDNESS.
first we were talking about random stuff, (miyazaki, kanazawa... colin, heidi...) doing random stuff. the topic moved on to saya from KTC.. about how poor アロイ-kun was then traumatised by the flashing... then suddenly from nowhere this girl runs across from where i was staring at. OKAY firstly her skirt was damn short. not the point. it was flowy. therefore when running, skirt goes UP! ok nevermind. fufu made a comment about how hiryuu-kun was influencing me. xD its not true la.... just so happen that she was running where i was staring ma... not my fault!!!
after that... we started talking more abt kanazawa... then headed on to... where was it... hm.. i think... far east. there.. we saw very weird things.. such as "army gang" and not to mention other funny clothes that reminded us of a certain classmate.
we then wanted some dinner.. so headed over to.. subway. THATS when the scary part started. OKAY IM INNOCENT HERE!!! anyway, i headed to subway, and we ordered. silly fufu decided to sit next to the queue... where let me say first.. there was a ledge.
not bad enough.
i wanted to sit with fufu, facing AWAY from the queue, but on the other side, was this KINDA plump woman, with half a butt sticking out of her pants. that sight really made me lose my stomach.. so i changed place. ended up being me FACING the queue.
then a number of things happened in that one hour.
FIRST... a girl attempts to sit on the ledge. TOTALLY exposing herself. NOT BAD ENOUGH... she was wearing.. never mind that one a little too much for me to say..
THEN.. another girl... courting danger one she.. open her legs like damn big la. okay NEVERMIND.
by then my mind was seriously reeling with all the "Sights" i did not want to see in a day. then i made a general comment.
"wahhh. today damn weird leh. every time we talk abt this kind of thing, once i look up from my food, i see it. a bit too accurate la..."
then fufu said "aya... u really too influenced by hiryuu-kun le la..."
me: "NO LOR! THEY WANT TO SHOW ME ONE LOR! not my fault im sitting here la! wa... if i see him today.. really mark the end of my suay and accurate day."
sarin-san: "not so qiao wan la... if really like that.. must buy TOTO sia..."
so okay. we ate finish.. decided to walk back to far east and cross to the DFS shop for fun.
just before i took the escalator up... i heard...
"WEI! XIAO QIANG!" it wasnt the words that caught my attention. it was the voice.
Shit. not that coincidental bah? i turn around. wa. sure enough. less than 10 minutes after i said that... i really met hiryuu-kun... something is really weird about today.
i vaguely remembered telling him something abt "you really marked the end of my suay day"... NOT BAD ENOUGH.
i msged xiu to tell her abt the COINCIDENCE.. and she never replied. found it was odd.. then i said to myself.. "haha. maybe she lost her HP..." and SHE JUST TOLD ME SHE LOST IT! OMG shit la. i think i made her lose it. i shall shut up for the rest of the day... but ANYWAY...
when we hit DFS... okay that was fine.. until my sole nearly broke off! OMG REALLY SOMETHING TOO ACCURATE ABOUT EVERYTHING I SAID TODAAY.
in the end.. fufu and sarin said they would buy toto... or 4D... hahahaha.
apart from the major coincidences and the funny things we talked about, i miss having them around... =( miss all the other girls too... heidi, xinyi, xiaoran, shuet ni, christina, even the guys nicholas and clement. miyazaki rios still maintain that strong bond that i fear even 19th MILE doesnt have. ah well....
we thrashed a lot of things today. and its damn scary. too many coincidences.. im psychic today.. >.< DAMMMNNN SCARY.
ok end of long long post. sorry if i grossed u out. be glad i didnt write the worst part (would be what's under the 1st girls' skirt. its not my fault. it was damn obvious)
Nov 1, 2007
Harry Potter truly never ends, through the entire story. You'd think that at any time, Harry Potter will end. But the truth is undeniable: harry potter has become a part of our generation, and a part of our lives. even to J.K. Rowling... its obvious she hasnt let the world of Harry Potter go either... just look at this article!
How i would love to get my hands on one of those copies... =)
LONDON - J.K. Rowling has completed her first book not to feature teen wizard Harry Potter an illustrated collection of magical fairy stories titled "The Tales of Beedle the Bard."
Only seven copies of the book are being printed, Rowling said Thursday. One will be auctioned next month to raise money for a children's charity, while the others have been given away as gifts.
Rowling drew the illustrations herself and provided the handwriting for the five stories that make up the collection of fairytales.
"The Tales of Beedle the Bard" is mentioned in the final Potter book, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," as a gift left by headmaster Albus Dumbledore to Harry's friend Hermione, and provides clues that help destroy evil Lord Voldemort.
"'The Tales of Beedle the Bard' is really a distillation of the themes found in the Harry Potter books, and writing it has been the most wonderful way to say goodbye to a world I have loved and lived in for 17 years," Rowling said in a statement.
The volume, bound in brown morocco leather and mounted with silver and semiprecious stones, will be auctioned at Sotheby's on Dec. 13 with a starting price of $62,000. Proceeds will go to The Children's Voice, a charity that helps vulnerable children across Europe.
"Deathly Hallows," the seventh and final installment in Harry's adventures, was published in July. The seven books have sold nearly 400 million copies and have been translated into 64 languages.
Rowling told the British Broadcasting Corp. that the book of fairytales had helped her say goodbye to Harry's world.
"It's not about Harry, Ron and Hermione, but it comes from that world," she told BBC radio in an interview broadcast Thursday. "So it's been therapeutic in a way."
Rowling said she was working on a new book, "a half-finished book for children that I think will probably be the next thing I publish."
On Wednesday, Rowling and the makers of the Harry Potter movies filed a lawsuit against RDR Books, a small U.S. publisher that plans to bring out a companion volume based on the Harry Potter Lexicon fan Web site.
Rowling has said she plans to produce her own encyclopedia of the wizarding world and says the book would infringe on her intellectual property rights.
How i would love to get my hands on one of those copies... =)
Oct 30, 2007
recently found out my jobscope from mediacorp... quite funny because i'll be the exact model of a DMC student.. doing EVERYTHING under my course. quite cool actually.
1) photoshooting for artistes
2) video production
3) marketing
4) ITB
5) designing
6) advertising
7) PR
8) maintain the library
sounds quite interesting, and im getting quite excited. i dont know.. the class has become a little hypocritical though.. i cant really stand it, but its their life. technically i cant really be bothered. when i see them all being happy and taking photos, i dont see myself joining them. i will never forget the pain of the two years. and although everyone seems happy to each other, where they can be each other in peace... they find themselves mingling amongst each other because its the last few days. even enemies are taking pictures with each other. its ironic, and hypocritical. i will never forget what they've done to me. its etched clearly in my head.
and when everyone is trying to hold gatherings, to make meetings and final farewells, dreading the internship period where we wont see each other again... i on the other hand find myself looking forward to it... because i can leave everything behind and have a fresh start.
they dont want to leave school because of the memories it held, of the friends they had. i dont want to leave school because of that one person. everyone else i can forget, i can give up... but that one person is the sole reason why i'll miss going back to school. we all have different reasons for not wanting to leave SP.. and my reason is fairly simple..
~
janice today asked me if i really declared everything to the teacher. i guess i had told her everything that i had confided in earlier. but even so... i had avoided that question. the story is too long for me to go through in my blog all over again. justice did its purpose, and even if i lose the battle, ive won the war. thats all i need.
school's changing so quickly, everyone ive worked with or under is changing. mrslim, the principal.. it'll never be the same. nothing ever remains the same, even if we wish it to be... and yet i wished time stopped. i dont want to go anywhere...
countdown, 3 days before i never see him again...
1) photoshooting for artistes
2) video production
3) marketing
4) ITB
5) designing
6) advertising
7) PR
8) maintain the library
sounds quite interesting, and im getting quite excited. i dont know.. the class has become a little hypocritical though.. i cant really stand it, but its their life. technically i cant really be bothered. when i see them all being happy and taking photos, i dont see myself joining them. i will never forget the pain of the two years. and although everyone seems happy to each other, where they can be each other in peace... they find themselves mingling amongst each other because its the last few days. even enemies are taking pictures with each other. its ironic, and hypocritical. i will never forget what they've done to me. its etched clearly in my head.
and when everyone is trying to hold gatherings, to make meetings and final farewells, dreading the internship period where we wont see each other again... i on the other hand find myself looking forward to it... because i can leave everything behind and have a fresh start.
they dont want to leave school because of the memories it held, of the friends they had. i dont want to leave school because of that one person. everyone else i can forget, i can give up... but that one person is the sole reason why i'll miss going back to school. we all have different reasons for not wanting to leave SP.. and my reason is fairly simple..
~
janice today asked me if i really declared everything to the teacher. i guess i had told her everything that i had confided in earlier. but even so... i had avoided that question. the story is too long for me to go through in my blog all over again. justice did its purpose, and even if i lose the battle, ive won the war. thats all i need.
school's changing so quickly, everyone ive worked with or under is changing. mrslim, the principal.. it'll never be the same. nothing ever remains the same, even if we wish it to be... and yet i wished time stopped. i dont want to go anywhere...
countdown, 3 days before i never see him again...
hmms. i guess its time for me to find out the truth. but im not willing to "expose" myself as of yet. ive talked to phy about this. and i still cant make myself believe that that's the way he meant it to be.
and it hurts. taking pills every hour to counter the pain. but it still hurts. i dont need the answer.. its not the answer that i need.. im willing to wait it out. ^^ ive made my decision, and im sticking to it.
and it hurts. taking pills every hour to counter the pain. but it still hurts. i dont need the answer.. its not the answer that i need.. im willing to wait it out. ^^ ive made my decision, and im sticking to it.
Oct 29, 2007
hmm.. today was an emotional day for me, i guess. i was reading the kanazawa magazine on the train... and reading it in class while waiting for my turn to go for "mock interview"... while i was reading i stumbled on a page.. and another. each page showed me what i experienced in kanazawa... on each page, my mind superimposed me and yuka, as well as okaasan there, as we explored the place. each page, each flip, i remember the things okaasan told me, the things yuka explained to me... kenrokuen garden... the ninja temple... everything. subete mo... even pictures of the 21st century museum, i remembered doreen... slowly everything came back to me in a big blow. my phone decided to help spread the emo mood, and started playing Arashi's Itsumademo.
いつまでも
Itsu made mo
Till forever more
大好きな気持ち ホントのこと 伝えきれずもうさよなら
Daisuki na kimochi honto no koto tsutae kirezu mou sayonara
My feelings of liking you, the real emotions; I haven’t conveyed it yet we said goodbye
元気で暮らしてと いつもの場所 ふたり無理に笑いながら
Genki de kurashite itsu mo no basho futari muri ni warai nagara
Live your life well; at the usual place, we both forced ourselves to smile while saying that
未知の上はしゃぐ 踊る未来の粒
Michi no ue hashyagu odoru mirai no tsubu
Laughing above the unknown, as the seeds of future danced
真っ白な想いでを 胸にしまった日の約束
Masshiro na omoide wo mune ni shimatta hi no yakusoku
The thoroughly clear memories, keep in the heart, it’s our promise that day
---
君と生きた毎日 ただ君だけを愛した日
Kimi to ikita mainichi tada kimi dake wo aishita hi
Everyday that I’ve lived with you, those are the days I loved you only
たぶん僕のすべてが君のそばにあった
Tabun boku no subete ga kimi no soba ni atta
I guess everything of me is right there by your side
当たり前の毎日 二度と逢えぬこの日を
Atarimae no mainichi nido to aenu kono hi wo
The definite everyday life, this day will never come back again
どんなときも忘れないように こうやって時を止めたい
Donna toki mo wasurenai you ni kouyatte toki wo tometai
No matter when, so to never forget, I just wanna make time stop
---
こんなに辛くて忘れたいよ あなたの声 優しい手
Konna tsurakute wasuretai yo anata no koe yasashii te
It’s so painful that I wanna forget, your voice, your gentle hands
諦めたくて逃げたいほど情けなくて いつも一人
Akirametakute nigetai hodo nasakenakute itsu mo hitori
To give up and run away, how merciless; I’m always alone
音が急に鳴る 君のための歌が
Oto ga kyuu ni naru kimi no tame ni uta ga
Suddenly the music rang, a song for you
カバンの中あふれてる ふたり好きだったメロディ
Kaban no naka afureteru futari suki datta merodi
Filling up the bag, is the melody we both loved
---
君が泣いた訳をただ探して恋した日
Kimi ga naita wake wo tada sagashite koishita hi
Searching for the reasons you cry, in the days of love
多分君のすべては僕のためにあった
Tabun kimi no subete wa boku no tame ni atta
I guess everything of you exist because of me
もう帰れない場所が こんな風に過ぎ去ってく
Mou kaerenai basho ga konna kaze ni sugisatteku
In this place where we can’t turn back, like this wind passing by
どんなときも忘れないように こうやって時の止めたい
Donna toki mo wasurenai you ni kouyatte toki wo tometai
No matter when, so to never forget, I just wanna make time stop
---
離れてくなんて
Hanareteku nante
The matter that we’ll be separated
思わなかった
Omowanakatta
I’ve never thought of it
ふたりのすべて
Futari no subete
Everything of us both
いつまでも…
Itsu made mo…
(May it be) till forever more…
---
ごめん僕もう先を急ぐ （Oh）
Gomen boku mou saki wo isogu (oh)
I’m sorry I have to leave now (oh)
二人共待つ街の記憶 （Oh）
Futari tomo matsu machi no kioku (oh)
The memories we both shared of this city (oh)
溢れ出る様波の如く （そう）
Afurederu-sama nami no gotoku (sou)
It’s like overflowing ripples (yes)
山の彩る秋の如く （街の記憶）
Yama wo irodoru aki no gotoku (machi no kioku)
It’s like the scene of decorated mountains (memories of the city)
現在も光って 未だ光ってしまって...
Ima mo hikatte ima da hikatte shimatte...
Now, it’s still shining, it still shining on
---
君と生きた毎日 ただ君だけを愛した日
Kimi to ikita mainichi tada kimi dake wo aishita hi
Everyday that I’ve lived with you, those are the days I loved you only
たぶん僕のすべてが君のそばにあった
Tabun boku no subete ga kimi no soba ni atta
I guess everything of me is right there by your side
当たり前の毎日 二度と逢えぬこの日を
Atarimae no mainichi nido to aenu kono hi wo
The definite everyday life, this day will never come back again
どんなときも忘れないように こうやって時を止めたい
Donna toki mo wasurenai you ni kouyatte toki wo tometai
No matter when, so to never forget, I just wanna make time stop
君と生きた毎日 ただ君だけを愛した日
Kimi to ikita mainichi tada kimi dake wo aishita hi
Everyday that I’ve lived with you, those are the days I loved you only
それは現在なお僕襲う （Oh)
Sore wa ima na oboku osou (oh)
It’s invading me now
あの歌また記憶解く （Oh)
Ano uta mata kioku hodoku (oh)
That song released my memories
溢れ出る様波の如く （そう）
Afurederu-sama nami no gotoku (sou)
It’s like overflowing ripples (yes)
山の彩る秋の如く （街の記憶）
Yama wo irodoru aki no gotoku (machi no kioku)
It’s like the scene of decorated mountains (memories of the city)
当たり前の毎日 二度と逢えぬこの日を
Atarimae no mainichi nido to aenu kono hi wo
The definite everyday life, this day will never come back again
身勝手になって 胸に仕舞ってみたって
Mikatte ni natte mune ni shimatte mitatte
In my own way, keeping it in my heart
現在も光って 未だ光ってしまって
Ima mo hikatte ima da hikatte shimatte...
Now, it’s still shining, it still shining on...
~~
this song really, like アロイ said, really portrays how we feel towards the hosts. the song is perfect.. talks perfectly about our feelings, and the mountains that i'll miss. every part of this song reminds me of the time i spent with yuka.. of the time with the takeshimas...
because of this song, and because of the memories that started flooding back to me, i cried. yes, in the middle of class. i just sat there and started crying. i couldn't take it. its been barely 2 months since i met yuka, and like the song said, its time to say goodbye. looking at the photographs made me realise how much i really missed them, missed the times i spent with them. and because of that, i cried. i cried for yuka, for okaasan, for otoosan, and of course, i cried for him. everything piled up moment by moment, and each moment i cried, more memories came back.
i ended up flipping through the report i had written, to be submitted as part of my proposal. all the more, the words that i had written, somehow affected me more than ever. we never wanted to leave... i had written... we would probably never see them again... i had said. each word true, each word meant so little now.
but each word threw a bomb on me. and i teared more than ever. the memories of kanazawa, of yuka, were all deeply implanted in me, that till today, i still dream of her. i dream of kanazawa, ishikawa, even nomi, where yuka lives. i dream of all these, because i treasure those memories.
and because of that, i cried. i cried for almost half an hour before i could stop. but even when i stopped, i still couldn't forget about it. the feelings had reappeared.
it was worse when i had gone to the Isetan at Shaw, which showed me everything, once again, that yuka had shown me. the Sanma, the Soba. each one bringing back memories. even the dango that we shared, i thought of yuka.
i miss them so much... and i feel stupid crying only now. the day i left i had held back my tears, but now it seemed like the right thing to do.
takeshima family - oniisan, + me. =)
いつまでも
Itsu made mo
Till forever more
大好きな気持ち ホントのこと 伝えきれずもうさよなら
Daisuki na kimochi honto no koto tsutae kirezu mou sayonara
My feelings of liking you, the real emotions; I haven’t conveyed it yet we said goodbye
元気で暮らしてと いつもの場所 ふたり無理に笑いながら
Genki de kurashite itsu mo no basho futari muri ni warai nagara
Live your life well; at the usual place, we both forced ourselves to smile while saying that
未知の上はしゃぐ 踊る未来の粒
Michi no ue hashyagu odoru mirai no tsubu
Laughing above the unknown, as the seeds of future danced
真っ白な想いでを 胸にしまった日の約束
Masshiro na omoide wo mune ni shimatta hi no yakusoku
The thoroughly clear memories, keep in the heart, it’s our promise that day
---
君と生きた毎日 ただ君だけを愛した日
Kimi to ikita mainichi tada kimi dake wo aishita hi
Everyday that I’ve lived with you, those are the days I loved you only
たぶん僕のすべてが君のそばにあった
Tabun boku no subete ga kimi no soba ni atta
I guess everything of me is right there by your side
当たり前の毎日 二度と逢えぬこの日を
Atarimae no mainichi nido to aenu kono hi wo
The definite everyday life, this day will never come back again
どんなときも忘れないように こうやって時を止めたい
Donna toki mo wasurenai you ni kouyatte toki wo tometai
No matter when, so to never forget, I just wanna make time stop
---
こんなに辛くて忘れたいよ あなたの声 優しい手
Konna tsurakute wasuretai yo anata no koe yasashii te
It’s so painful that I wanna forget, your voice, your gentle hands
諦めたくて逃げたいほど情けなくて いつも一人
Akirametakute nigetai hodo nasakenakute itsu mo hitori
To give up and run away, how merciless; I’m always alone
音が急に鳴る 君のための歌が
Oto ga kyuu ni naru kimi no tame ni uta ga
Suddenly the music rang, a song for you
カバンの中あふれてる ふたり好きだったメロディ
Kaban no naka afureteru futari suki datta merodi
Filling up the bag, is the melody we both loved
---
君が泣いた訳をただ探して恋した日
Kimi ga naita wake wo tada sagashite koishita hi
Searching for the reasons you cry, in the days of love
多分君のすべては僕のためにあった
Tabun kimi no subete wa boku no tame ni atta
I guess everything of you exist because of me
もう帰れない場所が こんな風に過ぎ去ってく
Mou kaerenai basho ga konna kaze ni sugisatteku
In this place where we can’t turn back, like this wind passing by
どんなときも忘れないように こうやって時の止めたい
Donna toki mo wasurenai you ni kouyatte toki wo tometai
No matter when, so to never forget, I just wanna make time stop
---
離れてくなんて
Hanareteku nante
The matter that we’ll be separated
思わなかった
Omowanakatta
I’ve never thought of it
ふたりのすべて
Futari no subete
Everything of us both
いつまでも…
Itsu made mo…
(May it be) till forever more…
---
ごめん僕もう先を急ぐ （Oh）
Gomen boku mou saki wo isogu (oh)
I’m sorry I have to leave now (oh)
二人共待つ街の記憶 （Oh）
Futari tomo matsu machi no kioku (oh)
The memories we both shared of this city (oh)
溢れ出る様波の如く （そう）
Afurederu-sama nami no gotoku (sou)
It’s like overflowing ripples (yes)
山の彩る秋の如く （街の記憶）
Yama wo irodoru aki no gotoku (machi no kioku)
It’s like the scene of decorated mountains (memories of the city)
現在も光って 未だ光ってしまって...
Ima mo hikatte ima da hikatte shimatte...
Now, it’s still shining, it still shining on
---
君と生きた毎日 ただ君だけを愛した日
Kimi to ikita mainichi tada kimi dake wo aishita hi
Everyday that I’ve lived with you, those are the days I loved you only
たぶん僕のすべてが君のそばにあった
Tabun boku no subete ga kimi no soba ni atta
I guess everything of me is right there by your side
当たり前の毎日 二度と逢えぬこの日を
Atarimae no mainichi nido to aenu kono hi wo
The definite everyday life, this day will never come back again
どんなときも忘れないように こうやって時を止めたい
Donna toki mo wasurenai you ni kouyatte toki wo tometai
No matter when, so to never forget, I just wanna make time stop
君と生きた毎日 ただ君だけを愛した日
Kimi to ikita mainichi tada kimi dake wo aishita hi
Everyday that I’ve lived with you, those are the days I loved you only
それは現在なお僕襲う （Oh)
Sore wa ima na oboku osou (oh)
It’s invading me now
あの歌また記憶解く （Oh)
Ano uta mata kioku hodoku (oh)
That song released my memories
溢れ出る様波の如く （そう）
Afurederu-sama nami no gotoku (sou)
It’s like overflowing ripples (yes)
山の彩る秋の如く （街の記憶）
Yama wo irodoru aki no gotoku (machi no kioku)
It’s like the scene of decorated mountains (memories of the city)
当たり前の毎日 二度と逢えぬこの日を
Atarimae no mainichi nido to aenu kono hi wo
The definite everyday life, this day will never come back again
身勝手になって 胸に仕舞ってみたって
Mikatte ni natte mune ni shimatte mitatte
In my own way, keeping it in my heart
現在も光って 未だ光ってしまって
Ima mo hikatte ima da hikatte shimatte...
Now, it’s still shining, it still shining on...
~~
this song really, like アロイ said, really portrays how we feel towards the hosts. the song is perfect.. talks perfectly about our feelings, and the mountains that i'll miss. every part of this song reminds me of the time i spent with yuka.. of the time with the takeshimas...
because of this song, and because of the memories that started flooding back to me, i cried. yes, in the middle of class. i just sat there and started crying. i couldn't take it. its been barely 2 months since i met yuka, and like the song said, its time to say goodbye. looking at the photographs made me realise how much i really missed them, missed the times i spent with them. and because of that, i cried. i cried for yuka, for okaasan, for otoosan, and of course, i cried for him. everything piled up moment by moment, and each moment i cried, more memories came back.
i ended up flipping through the report i had written, to be submitted as part of my proposal. all the more, the words that i had written, somehow affected me more than ever. we never wanted to leave... i had written... we would probably never see them again... i had said. each word true, each word meant so little now.
but each word threw a bomb on me. and i teared more than ever. the memories of kanazawa, of yuka, were all deeply implanted in me, that till today, i still dream of her. i dream of kanazawa, ishikawa, even nomi, where yuka lives. i dream of all these, because i treasure those memories.
and because of that, i cried. i cried for almost half an hour before i could stop. but even when i stopped, i still couldn't forget about it. the feelings had reappeared.
it was worse when i had gone to the Isetan at Shaw, which showed me everything, once again, that yuka had shown me. the Sanma, the Soba. each one bringing back memories. even the dango that we shared, i thought of yuka.
i miss them so much... and i feel stupid crying only now. the day i left i had held back my tears, but now it seemed like the right thing to do.
takeshima family - oniisan, + me. =)
yuka and me at kenrokuen.
its these memories that pull me further, but also these memories that leave me behind. yuka, takeshima family, thank you for taking care of me all these while. all those days. i know you must have spent a lot on me. thank you so much. i cannot repay your kindness...
Oct 28, 2007
the planning all paid off.. it was all worth it... but now my worry is nothing of that sort.
what should i do now? its a mingling of worry and of hope. should i tell him? i know the answer is no different whether i tell him or not... but if i do, there's only two ways... we have no option of friendship... we have no option of remaining friends.
because i cannot think that all that was a game, all that was nothing more than anything. and because of that... we were to either remain as friends, if i were to keep my secret... or if i chose to tell.. nothing... or everything.
it hurts knowing i might never see him again, and knowing that i will probably never get to see him again hurts. tomorrow marks the start of e-learning week. and because of that, i might not see him at all this week.
sad, really. but nothing i can do but miss him more as the days go by.
what should i do now? its a mingling of worry and of hope. should i tell him? i know the answer is no different whether i tell him or not... but if i do, there's only two ways... we have no option of friendship... we have no option of remaining friends.
because i cannot think that all that was a game, all that was nothing more than anything. and because of that... we were to either remain as friends, if i were to keep my secret... or if i chose to tell.. nothing... or everything.
it hurts knowing i might never see him again, and knowing that i will probably never get to see him again hurts. tomorrow marks the start of e-learning week. and because of that, i might not see him at all this week.
sad, really. but nothing i can do but miss him more as the days go by.
Oct 27, 2007
haii its been 2 days. no news for 2 days. its worrying and yet at the same time, its testing my limits. i find myself finding the reason stupid.. why do i care so much? why do i bother? but the truth is that i do... because if i don't tonight, tomorrow i wont either...
its sad because i miss that feeling.. its stupid.. but i do. i dont care if nothing comes out of it.. but i need it now. i need him more than ever. アロイ has told me, indirectly, that the answer he has might not be the answer i want. but if thats not the answer i want, will i be okay, knowing everything was just a game? will i be okay, and be able to continue like that, knowing nothing would come out of it? ... the honest answer.. i think i will be.
its stupid. but its true. ive fallen too hard, ive fallen too fast. head over heels, and hell over heaven.
its sad because i miss that feeling.. its stupid.. but i do. i dont care if nothing comes out of it.. but i need it now. i need him more than ever. アロイ has told me, indirectly, that the answer he has might not be the answer i want. but if thats not the answer i want, will i be okay, knowing everything was just a game? will i be okay, and be able to continue like that, knowing nothing would come out of it? ... the honest answer.. i think i will be.
its stupid. but its true. ive fallen too hard, ive fallen too fast. head over heels, and hell over heaven.
Oct 25, 2007
where is he? where is the one? i've seen him a few times recently, i've seen him every now and then.. bumped into him here and there.. but yet... i need to know one very important question... does all these mean anything? everything that happened... does it mean anything? does anyone know? is there anyone that can give me the answer that i need??? any clues???
Oct 24, 2007
u know... its true that you really dont realise things that you've lost, until they're wrenched away from your grasp.
i still remember back in year 1, when i was embarking on miyazaki... serlyn, janice and i would always make fun of her. because of her theory of "must stick together" and "as a team"... we would make it so that everything was "as a team". at that time i hated her, because i thought the trip was all about freedom and being able to roam around on your own.
now thinking back, i think i'll really miss her. she's been the teacher i've looked for for almost 2 years now, the one who i will look towards for information and guidance. and although i've probably stepped on her toes many times, i now know she means well.
SPSEC wont be the same without her... its her leadership and her guidance, as well as patience that has brought us this far. It was with her assistance and help that we were able to survive this long as well.
now looking back, i understand why she wanted us to stick together as a team. and in a sense, we did. the miyazaki team, till now, is still closely bonded.. and although we havent met, we still keep in contact.
i'll miss going to SAA and sitting in her office... knowing that she has less than a few days left in SAA breaks my heart. i never thought i'd see the day that she would leave SAA, or that she would leave our club behind. i guess it was predicted the moment she left SP BP mentoring... but still it is a blow to us.
everything seems to have changed this year.. for me at least. new principal, new teacher in charge. they've really dragged everything out from under my feet and thrown it against us.
we'll miss her loads... its almost impossible to think of SPSEC without the handling of our "Dr Lim" as said by アロイ。 but at least, she'll still be in school..
mrs lim... i'll miss sitting in your office and chatting with you about random club stuff.. you were a great delegation leader during the miyazaki trip, and a great leader during my positions in SPSEC. it's a loss we'll have to bear with. i'm just glad that i got to meet her first hand, and that i knew her.
i still remember back in year 1, when i was embarking on miyazaki... serlyn, janice and i would always make fun of her. because of her theory of "must stick together" and "as a team"... we would make it so that everything was "as a team". at that time i hated her, because i thought the trip was all about freedom and being able to roam around on your own.
now thinking back, i think i'll really miss her. she's been the teacher i've looked for for almost 2 years now, the one who i will look towards for information and guidance. and although i've probably stepped on her toes many times, i now know she means well.
SPSEC wont be the same without her... its her leadership and her guidance, as well as patience that has brought us this far. It was with her assistance and help that we were able to survive this long as well.
now looking back, i understand why she wanted us to stick together as a team. and in a sense, we did. the miyazaki team, till now, is still closely bonded.. and although we havent met, we still keep in contact.
i'll miss going to SAA and sitting in her office... knowing that she has less than a few days left in SAA breaks my heart. i never thought i'd see the day that she would leave SAA, or that she would leave our club behind. i guess it was predicted the moment she left SP BP mentoring... but still it is a blow to us.
everything seems to have changed this year.. for me at least. new principal, new teacher in charge. they've really dragged everything out from under my feet and thrown it against us.
we'll miss her loads... its almost impossible to think of SPSEC without the handling of our "Dr Lim" as said by アロイ。 but at least, she'll still be in school..
mrs lim... i'll miss sitting in your office and chatting with you about random club stuff.. you were a great delegation leader during the miyazaki trip, and a great leader during my positions in SPSEC. it's a loss we'll have to bear with. i'm just glad that i got to meet her first hand, and that i knew her.
its funny, because i thought id be losing feeling by now... that i would have given up and moved on. but what's happening now is that ive given up everything else... and still havent moved on. because its become that he is the one thing i cant give up. now it had become that i had given up everything BUT that one thing...
yeah so we havent known each other too long, but still... its there somewhere. haiii.. its stupid really, but its a stupid kind of worth it. even to know its never going to happen... waiting is just enough for me.
i guess you can say im sad because of internship.. because once i leave the school, im taking all my memories with me. i wont get to see him anymore, nor will i get to see any of the rest. i hope that we still manage to continue holding outings ... i dont want to miss any of them too much.
its stupid. i should be on the way home. and yet im still here.
something's obviously wrong with me.
yeah so we havent known each other too long, but still... its there somewhere. haiii.. its stupid really, but its a stupid kind of worth it. even to know its never going to happen... waiting is just enough for me.
i guess you can say im sad because of internship.. because once i leave the school, im taking all my memories with me. i wont get to see him anymore, nor will i get to see any of the rest. i hope that we still manage to continue holding outings ... i dont want to miss any of them too much.
its stupid. i should be on the way home. and yet im still here.
something's obviously wrong with me.
was bored and upset... so i decided to do the one thing i knew would cheer me up. i ended up surfing KTC's school website, and came across this: their calender. it took me some time to translate...
on the 2nd of September... マイルプログラム (which is pronounced, mairupuroguramu)... it took me like 5 minutes to realise that i was actually translating MILE PROGRAMME... hahaha.
and below that... on the 8th of September... loosely translated is 4th Year Internship Presentation or smth... thats the thing that almost everyone had to come back to school for on that saturday... with the exception of me, siusiu and aloy.
although it really seems so long ago, but it still is a wonderful memory.. one i promise i wont forget..
マイルプログラム 最高！ i hope yuka gets better...
Oct 23, 2007
in a few days time, it'll all be worth it. in a few days time it'll all make sense.
i hope.
everything seems to have suddenly sped up, and it feels like a speedboat losing control. it's funny, because ive started to get used to the slow, never ending pace. but suddenly, someone steps on the pedal, and pushes it forward. it's exhilarating...
hope i get my answer soon~
i hope.
everything seems to have suddenly sped up, and it feels like a speedboat losing control. it's funny, because ive started to get used to the slow, never ending pace. but suddenly, someone steps on the pedal, and pushes it forward. it's exhilarating...
hope i get my answer soon~
funny... suddenly these days i feel so elated... even for something that happened yesterday night... i still feel the aftereffects... the happy feeling is still there... i know its quite stupid, because although im not thinking too much, i dont want to think too much, i cant help but be happy. each day becomes like a countdown to me... because once my internship starts, im afraid of what will happen.. =(
so should i hope? should i want it to go faster? or should i not even think about it, and let nature take its course? i dont even know why im thinking so much...
ive been confiding a lot in weiting recently... i think its because she understands... and because of other reasons. its just easier to talk to her because she listens and because she knows.. ^-^ thanks weiting!
*yeah i know progress.. =p hope for more progress, ne?*
so should i hope? should i want it to go faster? or should i not even think about it, and let nature take its course? i dont even know why im thinking so much...
ive been confiding a lot in weiting recently... i think its because she understands... and because of other reasons. its just easier to talk to her because she listens and because she knows.. ^-^ thanks weiting!
*yeah i know progress.. =p hope for more progress, ne?*
you all would have heard by now, but i still thought i would post it now...
DUMBLEDORE IS GAY! apparently its not a phrase, its a fact... =X i cant imagine dumbledore gay... and yet... i guess him being gay makes no difference to the story: he was a great wizard, and a very wise one at that.
i guess indirectly you can say its got something to do with phy's Code 377A... its like this open statement that goes to show it doesnt matter whether they are or not.
claps for rowling... even after the end of the story, its really true.. harry potter never will end.. at least not for us..
DUMBLEDORE IS GAY! apparently its not a phrase, its a fact... =X i cant imagine dumbledore gay... and yet... i guess him being gay makes no difference to the story: he was a great wizard, and a very wise one at that.
i guess indirectly you can say its got something to do with phy's Code 377A... its like this open statement that goes to show it doesnt matter whether they are or not.
claps for rowling... even after the end of the story, its really true.. harry potter never will end.. at least not for us..
Oct 22, 2007
recently even the smallest things are making me the happiest person on earth. i cant divulge much, but the feeling, that elated feeling, is really becoming a common obsession.
will be meeting my new principal this thursday... probably marks the most important event ever for me as the President of the Student Exchange Club. However, meeting him in MILE already sort of makes this meeting a little redundant, unless he cant remember me, of course.
recently everything's going crazy: i dont know how to hang on. one more week... hoping for more progress. everyone's been telling me how it's a good thing all these are happening. that its considered progress. (thanks weiting. himitsu, ne?) but still i wish to not be too "happy" about things.. one step at a time is perfectly okay for me. ^^
now on to planning bigger and more amazing things.. and after that.. more planning.
*sorry to the girls, who have to see me being EMO all the time.. who have to hear my emo-ness at its peak. but you girls understand, only certain people can bring me out of that emo mood into an elated happiness.*
im willing to give up everything. i have given up more or less everything. but is the end result worth it?
will be meeting my new principal this thursday... probably marks the most important event ever for me as the President of the Student Exchange Club. However, meeting him in MILE already sort of makes this meeting a little redundant, unless he cant remember me, of course.
recently everything's going crazy: i dont know how to hang on. one more week... hoping for more progress. everyone's been telling me how it's a good thing all these are happening. that its considered progress. (thanks weiting. himitsu, ne?) but still i wish to not be too "happy" about things.. one step at a time is perfectly okay for me. ^^
now on to planning bigger and more amazing things.. and after that.. more planning.
*sorry to the girls, who have to see me being EMO all the time.. who have to hear my emo-ness at its peak. but you girls understand, only certain people can bring me out of that emo mood into an elated happiness.*
im willing to give up everything. i have given up more or less everything. but is the end result worth it?
Oct 19, 2007
i guess you can say my fuse is lengthening. yes i find things i cannot bear to become more obvious, but i can no longer stand the times where i had to hold it in, pretending that everything was alright. it's like i'm suddenly holding a magnifying glass, that suddenly i can see everything around me clearly. i used to think there were things i needed, things i had to hold on to. but now i realised: i didnt have to.
i dont have anyone to answer to.
i dont have anyone to listen to.
all i have is myself, and the friends i consider close to, those i can talk to. i used to think that those i could talk to were those that had a physical contact with me, those who met me everyday. but now i realised: its the other way around. maybe because i see them too often, that i find they're always on the back end, always able to see me, and yet i have nothing else to say to them.
i guess its ironic because of different reasons... maybe internship will do some good after all.. maybe through internship we can forget everything, and i can let go of what's happening to the class. maybe i can just classmates behind, and take things as they go. take my club, take my feelings, and cherish whatever i have. throw away what i dont need.
i think maybe ive gotten used to being alone: ive found an independence that i never used to have. and now that ive found it, am i pushing everyone else away? am i pushing my class friends away? or does my club friends really mean more to me?
i honestly dont know. i cant give the answer in my heart. blogging has already lost its purpose: i can no longer give away my feelings like that. it's just to make me more confused than ever before.
i think everyone's feeling it: the hostility, the pain and the suffering everyone is going through. even now... when i look back.. i dont see much.
i dont have anyone to answer to.
i dont have anyone to listen to.
all i have is myself, and the friends i consider close to, those i can talk to. i used to think that those i could talk to were those that had a physical contact with me, those who met me everyday. but now i realised: its the other way around. maybe because i see them too often, that i find they're always on the back end, always able to see me, and yet i have nothing else to say to them.
i guess its ironic because of different reasons... maybe internship will do some good after all.. maybe through internship we can forget everything, and i can let go of what's happening to the class. maybe i can just classmates behind, and take things as they go. take my club, take my feelings, and cherish whatever i have. throw away what i dont need.
i think maybe ive gotten used to being alone: ive found an independence that i never used to have. and now that ive found it, am i pushing everyone else away? am i pushing my class friends away? or does my club friends really mean more to me?
i honestly dont know. i cant give the answer in my heart. blogging has already lost its purpose: i can no longer give away my feelings like that. it's just to make me more confused than ever before.
i think everyone's feeling it: the hostility, the pain and the suffering everyone is going through. even now... when i look back.. i dont see much.
あああ。。。
金沢！！！石川～ 能美！！！ ゆか！ れな！ える！ おかあさん！おとおさん！
むかい せんせい！ じゅじ せんせい！ おはら せんせい！ おみ せんせい！ みんな！
i miss all the people i've met there, all the memories we've shared. the neoprint now means even more to me than it ever did before: of how much fun we've enhjoyed there, how much beauty we've seen, the friends we've made.. i'll miss the times we've spent in kanazawa...
and here i'm making a solemn promise... 1 year from now.. 1 year. i will go back.
ぜったい に かなざわ へ かえります。
the relationship is never over. it lasts even longer than anything else.
this will be what i remember SP as: the chances that they gave me, the opportunities given to me. the friends i've managed to make through all these.. it all makes it worthwhile..
thank you.
Oct 17, 2007
Oct 15, 2007
im pissed. freaking pissed now. ok so i dont consider them friends anymore, but still its pissing to know so many things inside me, and yet i cant say anything about it. i dont want to mention it, because there's too many things to be said. so i cant care less.
too many things have happened, which im one by one getting rid of. one by one i'm becoming more and more upfront, telling things as it is to the people who need to know. ive come to realise one thing: if your friends cannot stand the truth, and expect you to feel the hatred, hiding for them and lying for them, and when you admit the truth, they turn on you, then they're not really friends after all. ive planned to do what im going to do, and one step at a time, i will eliminate my enemies. i dont need enemies in my presence.
what started off as a fine day now has become no more than any other day. i dont care: these trival things should not, and no longer will, make me feel any better, nor will it make me feel worse. they will just be a part of life, and a part of my life. it is no longer the purpose of mine to make friends, no longer my purpose to make friends i dont need. my true friends are the ones i can trust, the ones i can trust my life to, to know they have my back.
and after defining that, ive come to a concensus... i dont need people who i have to lie and disturb and think to myself for. i want a true friend, even if its just one, rather than a few whom i have to control myself with.
too many things have happened, which im one by one getting rid of. one by one i'm becoming more and more upfront, telling things as it is to the people who need to know. ive come to realise one thing: if your friends cannot stand the truth, and expect you to feel the hatred, hiding for them and lying for them, and when you admit the truth, they turn on you, then they're not really friends after all. ive planned to do what im going to do, and one step at a time, i will eliminate my enemies. i dont need enemies in my presence.
what started off as a fine day now has become no more than any other day. i dont care: these trival things should not, and no longer will, make me feel any better, nor will it make me feel worse. they will just be a part of life, and a part of my life. it is no longer the purpose of mine to make friends, no longer my purpose to make friends i dont need. my true friends are the ones i can trust, the ones i can trust my life to, to know they have my back.
and after defining that, ive come to a concensus... i dont need people who i have to lie and disturb and think to myself for. i want a true friend, even if its just one, rather than a few whom i have to control myself with.
ok firstly, this is a stupid day. but this time its my fault.
i was getting out of the house.. nothing wrong at that point in time.. ^^
then i met xiuzhi at what i thought was at the... ehh.. california fitness. i was crossing the road across at the junction (at cine), when it started raining. imagine this: i was listening to sorafune (airship). the MV looks like this:
IT RAINED AS BADLY AS THAT!!! OMG I WAS DRENCHED FROM HEAD TO TOE!!!
nevermind, only after i reached there i realised that... oh my god... i was in the wrong place. i had to walk back to taka! OMG! i ended up taking an advice from xiuzhi, and took an MRT from somerset back to orchard.. yayyyyyy.. =) still wet (and damn cold), xiu and i started discussion after a short lunch. i managed to meet her BF... hahaha didnt look anything like i expected him too xD
anyway, after that, we went for the fashion show!!! pretty pretty fashion show! it was quite interesting.. but a little short!!!! but still, the first fashion show, so quite amazing nonetheless.. I EVEN MANAGED TO SEE SOME JAPANESE!!! =D
after that, we went to have lunch, and spent some time talking about redundant information such as... well... stupid stuff. xD hahahaha. i must remember all the stupid stuff we said.
xD FUNNY!!!
i was getting out of the house.. nothing wrong at that point in time.. ^^
then i met xiuzhi at what i thought was at the... ehh.. california fitness. i was crossing the road across at the junction (at cine), when it started raining. imagine this: i was listening to sorafune (airship). the MV looks like this:
IT RAINED AS BADLY AS THAT!!! OMG I WAS DRENCHED FROM HEAD TO TOE!!!
nevermind, only after i reached there i realised that... oh my god... i was in the wrong place. i had to walk back to taka! OMG! i ended up taking an advice from xiuzhi, and took an MRT from somerset back to orchard.. yayyyyyy.. =) still wet (and damn cold), xiu and i started discussion after a short lunch. i managed to meet her BF... hahaha didnt look anything like i expected him too xD
anyway, after that, we went for the fashion show!!! pretty pretty fashion show! it was quite interesting.. but a little short!!!! but still, the first fashion show, so quite amazing nonetheless.. I EVEN MANAGED TO SEE SOME JAPANESE!!! =D
after that, we went to have lunch, and spent some time talking about redundant information such as... well... stupid stuff. xD hahahaha. i must remember all the stupid stuff we said.
xD FUNNY!!!
Oct 14, 2007
yes today i met kristy.. just came home slightly before 12am... hahaha. talking to her felt great: havent seen her in so long! hahahaha. we talked about personal stuff, funny stuff, and even did some stupid stuff. xD hahahahha. talked about a lot of stupid stuff, thought back to when we were in secondary school... all the friends we've met, and lost (by lost i mean not meeting them again)... then thought back to our lovely trio... she, me and jodi. we were three peas in a pod. so to speak.
but firstly, today i consider it an unlucky day. when i was going to j8 to meet her, i got "ambused" by this big guy. how to explain it in simple terms: i was getting off the bus. suddenly this big guy attacks me from nowhere, slamming his hand right at my neck. i don't think it was an accident, because after i stared at him, he continued to glare at me. i dont think i did anything that could offend him, nor do i think i SAID anything to offend him (being i never said anything). maybe he mistook me for his worst enemy or something... what could i do? weighing my options, he was too big for me to attack back (and obviously i didnt intend to attack back), and his size intimidated me a little (ok a lot), so i did the only wise (keeping myself alive) thing, walking off faster! thank goodness i managed to lose him once i entered j8.
it hurts, even now. feels all swollen and red. =( and im quite upset about it. get whacked out of nowhere.. =( haiiiiiiiiiiiii...
~~
anyway, talking to kris made a lot of things go into perspective. in a sense, she gave me the side that no one else gave me. i understand that, being that she has been the longest friend i ever had, she knows me the best. and similarly, i managed to give her some advice on her situation..
~~
meeting the girls tomorrow... better get some sleep xD
but firstly, today i consider it an unlucky day. when i was going to j8 to meet her, i got "ambused" by this big guy. how to explain it in simple terms: i was getting off the bus. suddenly this big guy attacks me from nowhere, slamming his hand right at my neck. i don't think it was an accident, because after i stared at him, he continued to glare at me. i dont think i did anything that could offend him, nor do i think i SAID anything to offend him (being i never said anything). maybe he mistook me for his worst enemy or something... what could i do? weighing my options, he was too big for me to attack back (and obviously i didnt intend to attack back), and his size intimidated me a little (ok a lot), so i did the only wise (keeping myself alive) thing, walking off faster! thank goodness i managed to lose him once i entered j8.
it hurts, even now. feels all swollen and red. =( and im quite upset about it. get whacked out of nowhere.. =( haiiiiiiiiiiiii...
~~
anyway, talking to kris made a lot of things go into perspective. in a sense, she gave me the side that no one else gave me. i understand that, being that she has been the longest friend i ever had, she knows me the best. and similarly, i managed to give her some advice on her situation..
~~
meeting the girls tomorrow... better get some sleep xD
Oct 13, 2007
Oct 12, 2007
haiii. dunno whether to feel happy or not. sometimes im on top of the moon: quite happy and satisfied with whatever it is going on. then suddenly, like a roller coaster, it plunges to the depths of hell.
something is really wrong with me. or maybe something is wrong with something else. it just pisses me off at some point to know certain things, things that i cannot live with, but i have no choice to. wl has given me some advice when it comes to that field, and ive realised that he's right: there's nothing wrong with taking back what's rightfully mine.
i mentioned earlier that i will not stand for friends who talk about someone without knowing them, or badmouth someone without understanding, or even meeting them. im one who will stand up for my friends, and i feel that if someone badmouths my friend, i will stand up for that friend. its just like if someone says something bad about you, you can expect me to stand up for you.
HOWEVER
i would find that reasons for reasons, if they dont make sense, and you mistaking or openly suggesting something that doesnt make sense will never make me feel better. when i do something, i go all out for it. i consider all the possibilities, and i weigh the pros and cons. and my final decision, if i really go ahead with it, it means that ive made up my mind. it means that i already know what i plan to do, and that i'll sacrifice anything to do it. that way, threats like "if you do this, i wont be friends with you anymore" which sound so passe and childish, are already considered: the moment i execute my plan, it already means that i no longer consider you a friend, or someone that i think is worth saving.
a lot of things have been going through my mind lately, and i find the missing of my hikari a big setback. suddenly it reminds me of what i mentioned during "NCT"... technology has become so much a way of life than we can never expect to keep up with it. we've taken it for granted, and one day it will destroy us.
Reading the Machine Stops has made everything into perspective, and made me realise that if this goes on, in the future, it will happen exactly as the machine predicted it would. after reading that, im a little afraid of technology, of how it would destroy our lives, taking over it completely. it is a story worth reading, and worth thinking about: what if... in time to come, the world really became that essentially? the story revolves around Kuno and Vashti. kuno is the mind of man, who can think independently, whereas Vashti is the majority, simply following technology, or The Machine. in that time, there are no more houses: everyone lived underground. video conference is used to speak, technology pumps air into our houses, pumps food into our systems. they ran everything, leaving man to become a lazy homo sapien as the years grew by. simply put, at that time, the Machine had become religion, they had worshipped it for everything it was, but they were blinded by what they were missing. "let your thoughts be second hand, or if possible, tenth hand". the machine even did the thinking for them.
its sort of like what's going on now... really puts things into perspective. how technology will continue to evolve and progress, leaving man behind. Ultimately, we are the ones that have created it, but we are the ones that are destroying ourselves.
The end of the story? The honeycomb crashes, and man dies.
PORTION OF THE STORY!
'We have come back to our own. We die, but we have recaptured life, as it was in Wessex, when Ælfrid overthrew the Danes. We know what they know outside, they who dwelt in the cloud that is the colour of a pearl.'
'But Kuno, is it true? Are there still men on the surface of the earth? Is this - tunnel, this poisoned darkness - really not the end?'
He replied: 'I have seen them, spoken to them, loved them. They are hiding in the midst and the ferns until our civilization stops. Today they are the Homeless - tomorrow----- '
'Oh, tomorrow - some fool will start the Machine again, tomorrow.'
'Never,' said Kuno, 'never. Humanity has learnt its lesson.'
As he spoke, the whole city was broken like a honeycomb. An air-ship had sailed in through the vomitory into a ruined wharf. It crashed downwards, exploding as it went, rending gallery after gallery with its wings of steel. For a moment they saw the nations of the dead, and, before they joined them, scraps of the untainted sky.
interesting, isnt it?
something is really wrong with me. or maybe something is wrong with something else. it just pisses me off at some point to know certain things, things that i cannot live with, but i have no choice to. wl has given me some advice when it comes to that field, and ive realised that he's right: there's nothing wrong with taking back what's rightfully mine.
i mentioned earlier that i will not stand for friends who talk about someone without knowing them, or badmouth someone without understanding, or even meeting them. im one who will stand up for my friends, and i feel that if someone badmouths my friend, i will stand up for that friend. its just like if someone says something bad about you, you can expect me to stand up for you.
HOWEVER
i would find that reasons for reasons, if they dont make sense, and you mistaking or openly suggesting something that doesnt make sense will never make me feel better. when i do something, i go all out for it. i consider all the possibilities, and i weigh the pros and cons. and my final decision, if i really go ahead with it, it means that ive made up my mind. it means that i already know what i plan to do, and that i'll sacrifice anything to do it. that way, threats like "if you do this, i wont be friends with you anymore" which sound so passe and childish, are already considered: the moment i execute my plan, it already means that i no longer consider you a friend, or someone that i think is worth saving.
a lot of things have been going through my mind lately, and i find the missing of my hikari a big setback. suddenly it reminds me of what i mentioned during "NCT"... technology has become so much a way of life than we can never expect to keep up with it. we've taken it for granted, and one day it will destroy us.
Reading the Machine Stops has made everything into perspective, and made me realise that if this goes on, in the future, it will happen exactly as the machine predicted it would. after reading that, im a little afraid of technology, of how it would destroy our lives, taking over it completely. it is a story worth reading, and worth thinking about: what if... in time to come, the world really became that essentially? the story revolves around Kuno and Vashti. kuno is the mind of man, who can think independently, whereas Vashti is the majority, simply following technology, or The Machine. in that time, there are no more houses: everyone lived underground. video conference is used to speak, technology pumps air into our houses, pumps food into our systems. they ran everything, leaving man to become a lazy homo sapien as the years grew by. simply put, at that time, the Machine had become religion, they had worshipped it for everything it was, but they were blinded by what they were missing. "let your thoughts be second hand, or if possible, tenth hand". the machine even did the thinking for them.
its sort of like what's going on now... really puts things into perspective. how technology will continue to evolve and progress, leaving man behind. Ultimately, we are the ones that have created it, but we are the ones that are destroying ourselves.
The end of the story? The honeycomb crashes, and man dies.
PORTION OF THE STORY!
'We have come back to our own. We die, but we have recaptured life, as it was in Wessex, when Ælfrid overthrew the Danes. We know what they know outside, they who dwelt in the cloud that is the colour of a pearl.'
'But Kuno, is it true? Are there still men on the surface of the earth? Is this - tunnel, this poisoned darkness - really not the end?'
He replied: 'I have seen them, spoken to them, loved them. They are hiding in the midst and the ferns until our civilization stops. Today they are the Homeless - tomorrow----- '
'Oh, tomorrow - some fool will start the Machine again, tomorrow.'
'Never,' said Kuno, 'never. Humanity has learnt its lesson.'
As he spoke, the whole city was broken like a honeycomb. An air-ship had sailed in through the vomitory into a ruined wharf. It crashed downwards, exploding as it went, rending gallery after gallery with its wings of steel. For a moment they saw the nations of the dead, and, before they joined them, scraps of the untainted sky.
interesting, isnt it?
Oct 11, 2007
^-^ HIKARI'S FIXED!!!! =D thanks so much to アロイ for fixing it for me. i know it probably took some hard work and a lot of trying to get it done... thank you so much... i really appreciate it a lot!!
THANK YOU!
im so glad hikari's fixed... even if the files are gone its worth it. =P i miss hikari a lot... tomorrow i'll get it back from アロイ.. =) hikari's okay!!!!
once again thank you アロイ..
THANK YOU!
im so glad hikari's fixed... even if the files are gone its worth it. =P i miss hikari a lot... tomorrow i'll get it back from アロイ.. =) hikari's okay!!!!
once again thank you アロイ..
poor poor hikari. i hope アロイ can fix my hikari... T_T i cant imagine life without hikari... i dont want to use this museum-era dinosaur heavy laptop for the rest of my life. PLUS I CANT GAME WITH THIS LAPTOP!!! its very irritating... HIKARIII!!!! please be okay hikariii...
today im in a bad mood. i guess its to be expected: so many things are pissing me off right now. i dont know how the hell i can get rid of it: heck i dont even know what started it. but its going to get me on a mass rampage of anger and violence if it goes on like this.
if you want to say anything about me, fine. i dont care. but if you bad mouth my friends, i will not stand for it. even if you are my friend, i will not allow you to badmouth another friend. just like i would fight for you for another friend, i would fight for him too. its a battle im too used to fighting, and now its become a way of life. simple statement is that, you say something bad about my friends, at least know him well enough before saying it. Dont say things before you even know him, heck before you even meet him.
i've spent a lot of time thinking about what's happening lately, and its getting me really confused as to what's going on. i know what i want, and im willing to work for it and make it work, but it takes two hands to clap. thats all i can say.
even blogging seems to have lost its interest now adays... damn. i feel so upset all the time. got to be happy. got things to look forward to. BE HAPPY!
today im in a bad mood. i guess its to be expected: so many things are pissing me off right now. i dont know how the hell i can get rid of it: heck i dont even know what started it. but its going to get me on a mass rampage of anger and violence if it goes on like this.
if you want to say anything about me, fine. i dont care. but if you bad mouth my friends, i will not stand for it. even if you are my friend, i will not allow you to badmouth another friend. just like i would fight for you for another friend, i would fight for him too. its a battle im too used to fighting, and now its become a way of life. simple statement is that, you say something bad about my friends, at least know him well enough before saying it. Dont say things before you even know him, heck before you even meet him.
i've spent a lot of time thinking about what's happening lately, and its getting me really confused as to what's going on. i know what i want, and im willing to work for it and make it work, but it takes two hands to clap. thats all i can say.
even blogging seems to have lost its interest now adays... damn. i feel so upset all the time. got to be happy. got things to look forward to. BE HAPPY!
Oct 10, 2007
found out more about my internship place today... its at mediacorp tv. i dont know what's my reaction to it: im not one who will go "OMG I GET TO SEE ARTISTES!" hahaha. but i am curious about how the next three weeks will go, and how internship will be. yes, its starting to set in to all of us, that we're going to be leaving SP soon.. leaving all the friends we've made behind. i'll miss walking along SP, and catching the SPSEC people along the way. SPSEC has given me the opportunity to meet many people, and now i feel sad knowing im leaving soon. guess good thing is that i now know why sze always comes back.
on a sadder note, my new laptop (dubbed fujitsu) is spoilt. i gave it to .. hope he can salvage it. i trust him. but my dad figures its a ... erms... logicboard problem or something... i dont know what's アロイ's extent of repairing it... but if it cant it seems i might have to bring it back to fujitsu again... =( im not a computer person. xD
on a sadder note, my new laptop (dubbed fujitsu) is spoilt. i gave it to .. hope he can salvage it. i trust him. but my dad figures its a ... erms... logicboard problem or something... i dont know what's アロイ's extent of repairing it... but if it cant it seems i might have to bring it back to fujitsu again... =( im not a computer person. xD
Oct 9, 2007
it seemed so long ago, and yet i can never forget them. it seemed almost like a dream. one month ago exactly.. i was at yuka's house. we were up on the mountain. even looking at the pictures, wondering about so many things, made everything else insignificant. ever since i came back, i never stopped thinking about her, about how she was at this point in time. one month ago today, i would be in yuka's car, driving to karaoke with hikaru and haruka. really seems like a dream how fast time flew. seems inevitable that i have to go back, whether alone or not.
hard to imagine that the first day i met yuka... i was so speechless for words. i had met her before in singapore, but i didnt say much then. i knew what i wanted to say, what i learnt in singapore, but the moment i met her, all the words escaped from my mouth. my japanese just didnt seem good enough suddenly. it was a thrill and an unforgettable experience to be with yuka, around her and her family. i'll never forget 19th MILE. even through all the problems and the chaos, and all the people i've stabbed in the back. all the people i hated when i was there.. who i'd consider nothing but acquaintences... who i'd never understand why they were there.. i knew that it was meant to be. the point of going over was not to make friends with singaporeans. yes, i feel i did make friends while i was there... i got to know people like aloysius and ruth and joseph better... i got the opportunity to meet weilong and weiting.. both of whom i consider good friends, and best of all.. i got the blessed opportunity to meet yuka.
i write this now, knowing fully well i'll never forget this experience, knowing even if i never get to see her again, she'll always be there. those 14 days seemed to have flown by like an arrow, and here i am back in singapore, though my mind and my heart wishes i was back in japan. i wish i could have kept on living those 14 days over and over again... there with my friends and my family, where i didnt have a worry.
suddenly everything else in life seemed insignificant... as i remembered the times back in kanazawa. i had left with happy memories, i hadn't cried, i refused to tear. ok i teared 1 or 2 tears. kanazawa will now forever be a part of me. i hope i left enough behind for them to remember me by... at least until i go back again.
yuka... until then, until we meet again...
it hurts, being so far away from them, away from the family i called home for 10 days. each day i dream, i miss them more than ever.
hard to imagine that the first day i met yuka... i was so speechless for words. i had met her before in singapore, but i didnt say much then. i knew what i wanted to say, what i learnt in singapore, but the moment i met her, all the words escaped from my mouth. my japanese just didnt seem good enough suddenly. it was a thrill and an unforgettable experience to be with yuka, around her and her family. i'll never forget 19th MILE. even through all the problems and the chaos, and all the people i've stabbed in the back. all the people i hated when i was there.. who i'd consider nothing but acquaintences... who i'd never understand why they were there.. i knew that it was meant to be. the point of going over was not to make friends with singaporeans. yes, i feel i did make friends while i was there... i got to know people like aloysius and ruth and joseph better... i got the opportunity to meet weilong and weiting.. both of whom i consider good friends, and best of all.. i got the blessed opportunity to meet yuka.
i write this now, knowing fully well i'll never forget this experience, knowing even if i never get to see her again, she'll always be there. those 14 days seemed to have flown by like an arrow, and here i am back in singapore, though my mind and my heart wishes i was back in japan. i wish i could have kept on living those 14 days over and over again... there with my friends and my family, where i didnt have a worry.
suddenly everything else in life seemed insignificant... as i remembered the times back in kanazawa. i had left with happy memories, i hadn't cried, i refused to tear. ok i teared 1 or 2 tears. kanazawa will now forever be a part of me. i hope i left enough behind for them to remember me by... at least until i go back again.
yuka... until then, until we meet again...
it hurts, being so far away from them, away from the family i called home for 10 days. each day i dream, i miss them more than ever.
Oct 7, 2007
Oct 6, 2007
the past two days have probably been the best days of my life. the guys celebrated my birthday for me. and i would like to thank all those guys.
puvan, ruth, weilong, アロイ, joseph. ok originally we meant to watch the KTC video, but we ended up doing weird stuff.
well at first we met at school to head over to wl's house to camp while waiting for ruth. at 5, we headed to botak jones for dinner. i didnt eat, but its a good thing: the chicken was spicy.
anyway, after that we headed over to the chalet/hotel. we were told that it was meant to be a couple room... haha it was lor! the toilet got extra door so they can watch TV and ... i guess do some weird stuff. aloy likes the hotel though... (maybe can room with saya, he mentioned xD)
anyway, after the guys camped out for a while, they decided to cut the cake. yeahhh the nice guys actually bought a cake for me. (and thank you puvan for not using the mousse). puvan stuck the candle into the cake so deep, and expected me to use my mouth to pull it out. luckily i managed to do it without much hassle (or cream on my face).
then we were watching the video, and suddenly weilong grabbed my shoulders from the back. FORTUNATELY, i had seen puvan take the last piece of cake, so i pushed myself forward. thank goodness, i prevented it.
then it happened again. Aloysius pulled me down from the back, and instinctively i pulled my legs up to cover my face. but this time i didnt get away. someone grabbed me (i suspect weilong), and puvan slimed the cake over my glasses. all the hell for fun la, but my hair smells like cake. =p but it was fun anyway. hahahaha. thank goodness the bed didnt get any cake on it.
after ruth and puvan left, the guys decided to go swimming. amazingly, aloy cant swim. (i didnt know that). jo kindly took a pic for me... and it turned out pretty nice.
UNFORTUNATELY, my laptop screwed me up, so now i cant upload any pics using my old computer. =( sighhh.. will upload once i get the lappie working again. xD hahaha. anyway, it was funny to see the three guys in their various swimming trunks. hahahaha. =p we talked quite a bit as i sat on the bench watching them. (not to mention i got wet because weilong splashed me T_T)
then after wards we watched some transformers (jo and aloy fell asleep halfway). some stuff happened, i shall not elaborate. but all it all it was a fun time to be spent with those people. this morning we got up and went home. my lappie still not working. but i had fun yesterday. ^^ those guys mean a lot to me now... their definitely good friends to have. for that reason, and for my host Yuka, MILE was definitely worth going for. the friends ive made there made it all worthwhile..
also because of that now im clearer of what i want... and because of that now i can decide how to move on in life. ive found the answer i need... and now i just need to wait it out. xD
puvan, ruth, weilong, アロイ, joseph. ok originally we meant to watch the KTC video, but we ended up doing weird stuff.
well at first we met at school to head over to wl's house to camp while waiting for ruth. at 5, we headed to botak jones for dinner. i didnt eat, but its a good thing: the chicken was spicy.
anyway, after that we headed over to the chalet/hotel. we were told that it was meant to be a couple room... haha it was lor! the toilet got extra door so they can watch TV and ... i guess do some weird stuff. aloy likes the hotel though... (maybe can room with saya, he mentioned xD)
anyway, after the guys camped out for a while, they decided to cut the cake. yeahhh the nice guys actually bought a cake for me. (and thank you puvan for not using the mousse). puvan stuck the candle into the cake so deep, and expected me to use my mouth to pull it out. luckily i managed to do it without much hassle (or cream on my face).
then we were watching the video, and suddenly weilong grabbed my shoulders from the back. FORTUNATELY, i had seen puvan take the last piece of cake, so i pushed myself forward. thank goodness, i prevented it.
then it happened again. Aloysius pulled me down from the back, and instinctively i pulled my legs up to cover my face. but this time i didnt get away. someone grabbed me (i suspect weilong), and puvan slimed the cake over my glasses. all the hell for fun la, but my hair smells like cake. =p but it was fun anyway. hahahaha. thank goodness the bed didnt get any cake on it.
after ruth and puvan left, the guys decided to go swimming. amazingly, aloy cant swim. (i didnt know that). jo kindly took a pic for me... and it turned out pretty nice.
UNFORTUNATELY, my laptop screwed me up, so now i cant upload any pics using my old computer. =( sighhh.. will upload once i get the lappie working again. xD hahaha. anyway, it was funny to see the three guys in their various swimming trunks. hahahaha. =p we talked quite a bit as i sat on the bench watching them. (not to mention i got wet because weilong splashed me T_T)
then after wards we watched some transformers (jo and aloy fell asleep halfway). some stuff happened, i shall not elaborate. but all it all it was a fun time to be spent with those people. this morning we got up and went home. my lappie still not working. but i had fun yesterday. ^^ those guys mean a lot to me now... their definitely good friends to have. for that reason, and for my host Yuka, MILE was definitely worth going for. the friends ive made there made it all worthwhile..
also because of that now im clearer of what i want... and because of that now i can decide how to move on in life. ive found the answer i need... and now i just need to wait it out. xD
Oct 3, 2007
thanks to those who actually remembered my birthday, and wished it for me.
1) xiu
2) sze
3) ruth
4) puvan
5) kf
6) my mom
7) my dad
8) aloy
9) jo
10) phy
11) san
this year marks the saddest birthday ive ever had. i got all i wanted, but it cost me too much. remembering my last year birthday, now i know who i can truly call my friends. my friends are the ones that remember my birthday, the ones that wished it to me, not the ones that walked off without saying so much as a word.
its the first time im home for my birthday, usually by now i'd be out, celebrating it. but here i am, at home crying my eyeballs out.
i hate today. but i will remember it. because today is the worst birthday i'd ever have. but from this i learn, from this i know. from this i have figured out who my friends really are.
its quite amazing really, if you look at that list. a few prominent friends i expected were missing. but yet in place of that, were a few friends that i didnt know too well... thanks guys.
thank you guys. even for saying those 2 words, for saying just that, is enough. thank you.
1) xiu
2) sze
3) ruth
4) puvan
5) kf
6) my mom
7) my dad
8) aloy
9) jo
10) phy
11) san
this year marks the saddest birthday ive ever had. i got all i wanted, but it cost me too much. remembering my last year birthday, now i know who i can truly call my friends. my friends are the ones that remember my birthday, the ones that wished it to me, not the ones that walked off without saying so much as a word.
its the first time im home for my birthday, usually by now i'd be out, celebrating it. but here i am, at home crying my eyeballs out.
i hate today. but i will remember it. because today is the worst birthday i'd ever have. but from this i learn, from this i know. from this i have figured out who my friends really are.
its quite amazing really, if you look at that list. a few prominent friends i expected were missing. but yet in place of that, were a few friends that i didnt know too well... thanks guys.
thank you guys. even for saying those 2 words, for saying just that, is enough. thank you.
Oct 2, 2007
the girls celebrated my birthday with me today. kind of felt quite surprised. ^^ i dont know how to express this in words, but im glad that the girls were there for me. though there were things left unsaid and words left unheard, im glad they were there for me, and because of that, im glad that they were always there.
the scrapbook they made for me, meant more to me than anything they could have bought or done, because i can see the work thy put in for me. yes it was a simple thing, a simple project. however, the effort that you guys put in mean more to me, and i'll forever remember that. ^^
thank you~
the scrapbook they made for me, meant more to me than anything they could have bought or done, because i can see the work thy put in for me. yes it was a simple thing, a simple project. however, the effort that you guys put in mean more to me, and i'll forever remember that. ^^
thank you~
Oct 1, 2007
its stupid... stupid stupid... really dumb. because i feel sick. i think its emotional sickness. after talking to the girls, ive decided to take their advice, which is to wait it out. keep the same distance, and if it doesnt work out, forget it.
im being too emo. must revert back to my happy self. i guess tomorrow if i can draw some time out i'd talk to the girls about it when i see them. i need to get everything out. something's still stuck in my head... and i cant get it out of my head.
but whatever's inside, its making me sick... literally a sick feeling in my esophagus... i cant breathe properly, i cant eat properly. its worse than falling out of love. its almost a feeling as though im dying.
im being too emo. must revert back to my happy self. i guess tomorrow if i can draw some time out i'd talk to the girls about it when i see them. i need to get everything out. something's still stuck in my head... and i cant get it out of my head.
but whatever's inside, its making me sick... literally a sick feeling in my esophagus... i cant breathe properly, i cant eat properly. its worse than falling out of love. its almost a feeling as though im dying.
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