funny... suddenly these days i feel so elated... even for something that happened yesterday night... i still feel the aftereffects... the happy feeling is still there... i know its quite stupid, because although im not thinking too much, i dont want to think too much, i cant help but be happy. each day becomes like a countdown to me... because once my internship starts, im afraid of what will happen.. =(

so should i hope? should i want it to go faster? or should i not even think about it, and let nature take its course? i dont even know why im thinking so much...

ive been confiding a lot in weiting recently... i think its because she understands... and because of other reasons. its just easier to talk to her because she listens and because she knows.. ^-^ thanks weiting!

*yeah i know progress.. =p hope for more progress, ne?*

you all would have heard by now, but i still thought i would post it now...

DUMBLEDORE IS GAY! apparently its not a phrase, its a fact... =X i cant imagine dumbledore gay... and yet... i guess him being gay makes no difference to the story: he was a great wizard, and a very wise one at that.

i guess indirectly you can say its got something to do with phy's Code 377A... its like this open statement that goes to show it doesnt matter whether they are or not.

claps for rowling... even after the end of the story, its really true.. harry potter never will end.. at least not for us..

the smallest things in the world, somehow make me the happiest.

only one can ever make me happy again.

recently even the smallest things are making me the happiest person on earth. i cant divulge much, but the feeling, that elated feeling, is really becoming a common obsession.

will be meeting my new principal this thursday... probably marks the most important event ever for me as the President of the Student Exchange Club. However, meeting him in MILE already sort of makes this meeting a little redundant, unless he cant remember me, of course.

recently everything's going crazy: i dont know how to hang on. one more week... hoping for more progress. everyone's been telling me how it's a good thing all these are happening. that its considered progress. (thanks weiting. himitsu, ne?) but still i wish to not be too "happy" about things.. one step at a time is perfectly okay for me. ^^

now on to planning bigger and more amazing things.. and after that.. more planning.


*sorry to the girls, who have to see me being EMO all the time.. who have to hear my emo-ness at its peak. but you girls understand, only certain people can bring me out of that emo mood into an elated happiness.*

im willing to give up everything. i have given up more or less everything. but is the end result worth it?

i guess you can say my fuse is lengthening. yes i find things i cannot bear to become more obvious, but i can no longer stand the times where i had to hold it in, pretending that everything was alright. it's like i'm suddenly holding a magnifying glass, that suddenly i can see everything around me clearly. i used to think there were things i needed, things i had to hold on to. but now i realised: i didnt have to.

i dont have anyone to answer to.

i dont have anyone to listen to.

all i have is myself, and the friends i consider close to, those i can talk to. i used to think that those i could talk to were those that had a physical contact with me, those who met me everyday. but now i realised: its the other way around. maybe because i see them too often, that i find they're always on the back end, always able to see me, and yet i have nothing else to say to them.

i guess its ironic because of different reasons... maybe internship will do some good after all.. maybe through internship we can forget everything, and i can let go of what's happening to the class. maybe i can just classmates behind, and take things as they go. take my club, take my feelings, and cherish whatever i have. throw away what i dont need.

i think maybe ive gotten used to being alone: ive found an independence that i never used to have. and now that ive found it, am i pushing everyone else away? am i pushing my class friends away? or does my club friends really mean more to me?

i honestly dont know. i cant give the answer in my heart. blogging has already lost its purpose: i can no longer give away my feelings like that. it's just to make me more confused than ever before.

i think everyone's feeling it: the hostility, the pain and the suffering everyone is going through. even now... when i look back.. i dont see much.

あああ。。。

金沢！！！石川～　能美！！！　ゆか！　れな！　える！　おかあさん！おとおさん！

むかい　せんせい！　じゅじ　せんせい！　おはら　せんせい！　おみ　せんせい！　みんな！

i miss all the people i've met there, all the memories we've shared. the neoprint now means even more to me than it ever did before: of how much fun we've enhjoyed there, how much beauty we've seen, the friends we've made.. i'll miss the times we've spent in kanazawa...

and here i'm making a solemn promise... 1 year from now.. 1 year. i will go back.
ぜったい　に　かなざわ　へ　かえります。

the relationship is never over. it lasts even longer than anything else.

this will be what i remember SP as: the chances that they gave me, the opportunities given to me. the friends i've managed to make through all these.. it all makes it worthwhile..

thank you.

originally i planned to write an entire post about how pissed i was, explaining why i walked off, explaining why i refused to talk today. but i decided, for the sake of the BETTER good, i'll keep my mouth shut. another 3 weeks...

im pissed. freaking pissed now. ok so i dont consider them friends anymore, but still its pissing to know so many things inside me, and yet i cant say anything about it. i dont want to mention it, because there's too many things to be said. so i cant care less.

too many things have happened, which im one by one getting rid of. one by one i'm becoming more and more upfront, telling things as it is to the people who need to know. ive come to realise one thing: if your friends cannot stand the truth, and expect you to feel the hatred, hiding for them and lying for them, and when you admit the truth, they turn on you, then they're not really friends after all. ive planned to do what im going to do, and one step at a time, i will eliminate my enemies. i dont need enemies in my presence.

what started off as a fine day now has become no more than any other day. i dont care: these trival things should not, and no longer will, make me feel any better, nor will it make me feel worse. they will just be a part of life, and a part of my life. it is no longer the purpose of mine to make friends, no longer my purpose to make friends i dont need. my true friends are the ones i can trust, the ones i can trust my life to, to know they have my back.

and after defining that, ive come to a concensus... i dont need people who i have to lie and disturb and think to myself for. i want a true friend, even if its just one, rather than a few whom i have to control myself with.

ok firstly, this is a stupid day. but this time its my fault.

i was getting out of the house.. nothing wrong at that point in time.. ^^

then i met xiuzhi at what i thought was at the... ehh.. california fitness. i was crossing the road across at the junction (at cine), when it started raining. imagine this: i was listening to sorafune (airship). the MV looks like this:



IT RAINED AS BADLY AS THAT!!! OMG I WAS DRENCHED FROM HEAD TO TOE!!!

nevermind, only after i reached there i realised that... oh my god... i was in the wrong place. i had to walk back to taka! OMG! i ended up taking an advice from xiuzhi, and took an MRT from somerset back to orchard.. yayyyyyy.. =) still wet (and damn cold), xiu and i started discussion after a short lunch. i managed to meet her BF... hahaha didnt look anything like i expected him too xD

anyway, after that, we went for the fashion show!!! pretty pretty fashion show! it was quite interesting.. but a little short!!!! but still, the first fashion show, so quite amazing nonetheless.. I EVEN MANAGED TO SEE SOME JAPANESE!!! =D

after that, we went to have lunch, and spent some time talking about redundant information such as... well... stupid stuff. xD hahahaha. i must remember all the stupid stuff we said.

xD FUNNY!!!

yes today i met kristy.. just came home slightly before 12am... hahaha. talking to her felt great: havent seen her in so long! hahahaha. we talked about personal stuff, funny stuff, and even did some stupid stuff. xD hahahahha. talked about a lot of stupid stuff, thought back to when we were in secondary school... all the friends we've met, and lost (by lost i mean not meeting them again)... then thought back to our lovely trio... she, me and jodi. we were three peas in a pod. so to speak.

but firstly, today i consider it an unlucky day. when i was going to j8 to meet her, i got "ambused" by this big guy. how to explain it in simple terms: i was getting off the bus. suddenly this big guy attacks me from nowhere, slamming his hand right at my neck. i don't think it was an accident, because after i stared at him, he continued to glare at me. i dont think i did anything that could offend him, nor do i think i SAID anything to offend him (being i never said anything). maybe he mistook me for his worst enemy or something... what could i do? weighing my options, he was too big for me to attack back (and obviously i didnt intend to attack back), and his size intimidated me a little (ok a lot), so i did the only wise (keeping myself alive) thing, walking off faster! thank goodness i managed to lose him once i entered j8.

it hurts, even now. feels all swollen and red. =( and im quite upset about it. get whacked out of nowhere.. =( haiiiiiiiiiiiii...

~~

anyway, talking to kris made a lot of things go into perspective. in a sense, she gave me the side that no one else gave me. i understand that, being that she has been the longest friend i ever had, she knows me the best. and similarly, i managed to give her some advice on her situation..

~~

meeting the girls tomorrow... better get some sleep xD

going to MILE made me reignite my love for the japanese language.. ^^

くるしい 。。。 わたし の こころ 。。。 がっこう へ みんあ いつも 。。。 わたし に わすれた。。。 でも。。。 ともだち が ある。 ひりゅ くん と てずか くん と 。。。 みんあ。。。 ありがとう。。。 くらす わ。。。 ともだち が ありません。。

わたし ひどい だから。。。 でも。。。 こじま の 「 そんなの関係ねえ　」 て。。。 good excuse...

ありがとう。。 ほんと の ともだち 。。。 ほんと に。。。 ありがとう です。

あたま が いたい です。。。

hahaha. i just uploaded my chalet pics for my belated bday~ hahaha. u know where to find them!!!

P.s. posted a few more pics from MILE too... haii... many more days to go! will slowly upload xD

i got hikari back! thank you so much アロイ... you u added things that even i never bothered to add~ hahaha. thank you so much!!!

haiii. dunno whether to feel happy or not. sometimes im on top of the moon: quite happy and satisfied with whatever it is going on. then suddenly, like a roller coaster, it plunges to the depths of hell.

something is really wrong with me. or maybe something is wrong with something else. it just pisses me off at some point to know certain things, things that i cannot live with, but i have no choice to. wl has given me some advice when it comes to that field, and ive realised that he's right: there's nothing wrong with taking back what's rightfully mine.

i mentioned earlier that i will not stand for friends who talk about someone without knowing them, or badmouth someone without understanding, or even meeting them. im one who will stand up for my friends, and i feel that if someone badmouths my friend, i will stand up for that friend. its just like if someone says something bad about you, you can expect me to stand up for you.

HOWEVER

i would find that reasons for reasons, if they dont make sense, and you mistaking or openly suggesting something that doesnt make sense will never make me feel better. when i do something, i go all out for it. i consider all the possibilities, and i weigh the pros and cons. and my final decision, if i really go ahead with it, it means that ive made up my mind. it means that i already know what i plan to do, and that i'll sacrifice anything to do it. that way, threats like "if you do this, i wont be friends with you anymore" which sound so passe and childish, are already considered: the moment i execute my plan, it already means that i no longer consider you a friend, or someone that i think is worth saving.


a lot of things have been going through my mind lately, and i find the missing of my hikari a big setback. suddenly it reminds me of what i mentioned during "NCT"... technology has become so much a way of life than we can never expect to keep up with it. we've taken it for granted, and one day it will destroy us.

Reading the Machine Stops has made everything into perspective, and made me realise that if this goes on, in the future, it will happen exactly as the machine predicted it would. after reading that, im a little afraid of technology, of how it would destroy our lives, taking over it completely. it is a story worth reading, and worth thinking about: what if... in time to come, the world really became that essentially? the story revolves around Kuno and Vashti. kuno is the mind of man, who can think independently, whereas Vashti is the majority, simply following technology, or The Machine. in that time, there are no more houses: everyone lived underground. video conference is used to speak, technology pumps air into our houses, pumps food into our systems. they ran everything, leaving man to become a lazy homo sapien as the years grew by. simply put, at that time, the Machine had become religion, they had worshipped it for everything it was, but they were blinded by what they were missing. "let your thoughts be second hand, or if possible, tenth hand". the machine even did the thinking for them.

its sort of like what's going on now... really puts things into perspective. how technology will continue to evolve and progress, leaving man behind. Ultimately, we are the ones that have created it, but we are the ones that are destroying ourselves.

The end of the story? The honeycomb crashes, and man dies.

PORTION OF THE STORY!

'We have come back to our own. We die, but we have recaptured life, as it was in Wessex, when Ælfrid overthrew the Danes. We know what they know outside, they who dwelt in the cloud that is the colour of a pearl.'

'But Kuno, is it true? Are there still men on the surface of the earth? Is this - tunnel, this poisoned darkness - really not the end?'

He replied: 'I have seen them, spoken to them, loved them. They are hiding in the midst and the ferns until our civilization stops. Today they are the Homeless - tomorrow----- '

'Oh, tomorrow - some fool will start the Machine again, tomorrow.'

'Never,' said Kuno, 'never. Humanity has learnt its lesson.'

As he spoke, the whole city was broken like a honeycomb. An air-ship had sailed in through the vomitory into a ruined wharf. It crashed downwards, exploding as it went, rending gallery after gallery with its wings of steel. For a moment they saw the nations of the dead, and, before they joined them, scraps of the untainted sky.

interesting, isnt it?

^-^ HIKARI'S FIXED!!!! =D thanks so much to アロイ　for fixing it for me. i know it probably took some hard work and a lot of trying to get it done... thank you so much... i really appreciate it a lot!!

THANK YOU!

im so glad hikari's fixed... even if the files are gone its worth it. =P i miss hikari a lot... tomorrow i'll get it back from アロイ.. =) hikari's okay!!!!

once again thank you アロイ..

poor poor hikari. i hope アロイ can fix my hikari... T_T i cant imagine life without hikari... i dont want to use this museum-era dinosaur heavy laptop for the rest of my life. PLUS I CANT GAME WITH THIS LAPTOP!!! its very irritating... HIKARIII!!!! please be okay hikariii...

today im in a bad mood. i guess its to be expected: so many things are pissing me off right now. i dont know how the hell i can get rid of it: heck i dont even know what started it. but its going to get me on a mass rampage of anger and violence if it goes on like this.

if you want to say anything about me, fine. i dont care. but if you bad mouth my friends, i will not stand for it. even if you are my friend, i will not allow you to badmouth another friend. just like i would fight for you for another friend, i would fight for him too. its a battle im too used to fighting, and now its become a way of life. simple statement is that, you say something bad about my friends, at least know him well enough before saying it. Dont say things before you even know him, heck before you even meet him.

i've spent a lot of time thinking about what's happening lately, and its getting me really confused as to what's going on. i know what i want, and im willing to work for it and make it work, but it takes two hands to clap. thats all i can say.

even blogging seems to have lost its interest now adays... damn. i feel so upset all the time. got to be happy. got things to look forward to. BE HAPPY!

found out more about my internship place today... its at mediacorp tv. i dont know what's my reaction to it: im not one who will go "OMG I GET TO SEE ARTISTES!" hahaha. but i am curious about how the next three weeks will go, and how internship will be. yes, its starting to set in to all of us, that we're going to be leaving SP soon.. leaving all the friends we've made behind. i'll miss walking along SP, and catching the SPSEC people along the way. SPSEC has given me the opportunity to meet many people, and now i feel sad knowing im leaving soon. guess good thing is that i now know why sze always comes back.

on a sadder note, my new laptop (dubbed fujitsu) is spoilt. i gave it to .. hope he can salvage it. i trust him. but my dad figures its a ... erms... logicboard problem or something... i dont know what's アロイ's extent of repairing it... but if it cant it seems i might have to bring it back to fujitsu again... =( im not a computer person. xD

it seemed so long ago, and yet i can never forget them. it seemed almost like a dream. one month ago exactly.. i was at yuka's house. we were up on the mountain. even looking at the pictures, wondering about so many things, made everything else insignificant. ever since i came back, i never stopped thinking about her, about how she was at this point in time. one month ago today, i would be in yuka's car, driving to karaoke with hikaru and haruka. really seems like a dream how fast time flew. seems inevitable that i have to go back, whether alone or not.

hard to imagine that the first day i met yuka... i was so speechless for words. i had met her before in singapore, but i didnt say much then. i knew what i wanted to say, what i learnt in singapore, but the moment i met her, all the words escaped from my mouth. my japanese just didnt seem good enough suddenly. it was a thrill and an unforgettable experience to be with yuka, around her and her family. i'll never forget 19th MILE. even through all the problems and the chaos, and all the people i've stabbed in the back. all the people i hated when i was there.. who i'd consider nothing but acquaintences... who i'd never understand why they were there.. i knew that it was meant to be. the point of going over was not to make friends with singaporeans. yes, i feel i did make friends while i was there... i got to know people like aloysius and ruth and joseph better... i got the opportunity to meet weilong and weiting.. both of whom i consider good friends, and best of all.. i got the blessed opportunity to meet yuka.

i write this now, knowing fully well i'll never forget this experience, knowing even if i never get to see her again, she'll always be there. those 14 days seemed to have flown by like an arrow, and here i am back in singapore, though my mind and my heart wishes i was back in japan. i wish i could have kept on living those 14 days over and over again... there with my friends and my family, where i didnt have a worry.

suddenly everything else in life seemed insignificant... as i remembered the times back in kanazawa. i had left with happy memories, i hadn't cried, i refused to tear. ok i teared 1 or 2 tears. kanazawa will now forever be a part of me. i hope i left enough behind for them to remember me by... at least until i go back again.

yuka... until then, until we meet again...

it hurts, being so far away from them, away from the family i called home for 10 days. each day i dream, i miss them more than ever.

haha forgot one more thing: thanks アロイ for the BoA compilation!

the past two days have probably been the best days of my life. the guys celebrated my birthday for me. and i would like to thank all those guys.

puvan, ruth, weilong, アロイ, joseph. ok originally we meant to watch the KTC video, but we ended up doing weird stuff.

well at first we met at school to head over to wl's house to camp while waiting for ruth. at 5, we headed to botak jones for dinner. i didnt eat, but its a good thing: the chicken was spicy.

anyway, after that we headed over to the chalet/hotel. we were told that it was meant to be a couple room... haha it was lor! the toilet got extra door so they can watch TV and ... i guess do some weird stuff. aloy likes the hotel though... (maybe can room with saya, he mentioned xD)

anyway, after the guys camped out for a while, they decided to cut the cake. yeahhh the nice guys actually bought a cake for me. (and thank you puvan for not using the mousse). puvan stuck the candle into the cake so deep, and expected me to use my mouth to pull it out. luckily i managed to do it without much hassle (or cream on my face).

then we were watching the video, and suddenly weilong grabbed my shoulders from the back. FORTUNATELY, i had seen puvan take the last piece of cake, so i pushed myself forward. thank goodness, i prevented it.

then it happened again. Aloysius pulled me down from the back, and instinctively i pulled my legs up to cover my face. but this time i didnt get away. someone grabbed me (i suspect weilong), and puvan slimed the cake over my glasses. all the hell for fun la, but my hair smells like cake. =p but it was fun anyway. hahahaha. thank goodness the bed didnt get any cake on it.

after ruth and puvan left, the guys decided to go swimming. amazingly, aloy cant swim. (i didnt know that). jo kindly took a pic for me... and it turned out pretty nice.

UNFORTUNATELY, my laptop screwed me up, so now i cant upload any pics using my old computer. =( sighhh.. will upload once i get the lappie working again. xD hahaha. anyway, it was funny to see the three guys in their various swimming trunks. hahahaha. =p we talked quite a bit as i sat on the bench watching them. (not to mention i got wet because weilong splashed me T_T)

then after wards we watched some transformers (jo and aloy fell asleep halfway). some stuff happened, i shall not elaborate. but all it all it was a fun time to be spent with those people. this morning we got up and went home. my lappie still not working. but i had fun yesterday. ^^ those guys mean a lot to me now... their definitely good friends to have. for that reason, and for my host Yuka, MILE was definitely worth going for. the friends ive made there made it all worthwhile..

also because of that now im clearer of what i want... and because of that now i can decide how to move on in life. ive found the answer i need... and now i just need to wait it out. xD

thanks to those who actually remembered my birthday, and wished it for me.

1) xiu
2) sze
3) ruth
4) puvan
5) kf
6) my mom
7) my dad
8) aloy
9) jo
10) phy
11) san

this year marks the saddest birthday ive ever had. i got all i wanted, but it cost me too much. remembering my last year birthday, now i know who i can truly call my friends. my friends are the ones that remember my birthday, the ones that wished it to me, not the ones that walked off without saying so much as a word.

its the first time im home for my birthday, usually by now i'd be out, celebrating it. but here i am, at home crying my eyeballs out.

i hate today. but i will remember it. because today is the worst birthday i'd ever have. but from this i learn, from this i know. from this i have figured out who my friends really are.

its quite amazing really, if you look at that list. a few prominent friends i expected were missing. but yet in place of that, were a few friends that i didnt know too well... thanks guys.

thank you guys. even for saying those 2 words, for saying just that, is enough. thank you.

the girls celebrated my birthday with me today. kind of felt quite surprised. ^^ i dont know how to express this in words, but im glad that the girls were there for me. though there were things left unsaid and words left unheard, im glad they were there for me, and because of that, im glad that they were always there.

the scrapbook they made for me, meant more to me than anything they could have bought or done, because i can see the work thy put in for me. yes it was a simple thing, a simple project. however, the effort that you guys put in mean more to me, and i'll forever remember that. ^^

thank you~

haii.. reading my last few posts made me realised how emotional and dysfunctional ive been lately... but i cant help it. im an idiotic dysfunctional person who cant seem to forget certain things. ... WEIRDDD..

weirder things happened to me today...

its stupid... stupid stupid... really dumb. because i feel sick. i think its emotional sickness. after talking to the girls, ive decided to take their advice, which is to wait it out. keep the same distance, and if it doesnt work out, forget it.

im being too emo. must revert back to my happy self. i guess tomorrow if i can draw some time out i'd talk to the girls about it when i see them. i need to get everything out. something's still stuck in my head... and i cant get it out of my head.

but whatever's inside, its making me sick... literally a sick feeling in my esophagus... i cant breathe properly, i cant eat properly. its worse than falling out of love. its almost a feeling as though im dying.

after talking it out with 2/3 of the girls, i feel slightly better. though not less confused, but at least i feel better after knowing i can look towards others for advice, and not keep it to myself.


hai. back to talking to the idiot xD

i have some things i needed to think about. after writing this i'll go away. i need somewhere i can think. i need somewhere where i can be myself, and figure this out. until then, im not coming home. until then, i have nowhere to go.

i need somewhere where i can cry.

i need somewhere where i can be myself.

i need somewhere, or someone, that i can talk to.



i hate myself for who i've become. and because of that, i will always hate myself.

if i cant find the answer, maybe there's only one way out for me.



and if that's the case, then...


goodbye.





im too confused. i hate myself. i hate me.

i havent blogged in quite a long time... my blog suddenly feels superficial to me. i cant even write what i want to write. those who know, you'll understand why. there's no way i can ever write this out in words.

its turning my heart to mush... not in a good way. its not the melting kind of mush. its the destructive kind of mush. not good. definitely not good.

after knowing i cant write that out here, i realise i have nothing else to say. those thoughts have kept me occupied most of the time.

HOWEVER...

i celebrated my birthday with my parents today. we went to this little shop called "The Ship". ate some western food, and then i opened my present. i didnt want to, but my parents made me. they're more interested in opening it than i am.. hmmm.. =p

its cosmetics. the big box is... sorta fake. inside not so big. =p but its cute either way. i can put more things inside. xD hahaha.

im meeting the girls on tuesday. i rather they plan than i did. xD hahahahaha.

feel stupid, blogging, but cant get the main feeling out of my mind. =(

thank you girls for trying to help. both of you have asked me many times. i'll explain on tuesday, promise. i feel maybe its time i tell you girls. maybe you can help me.

im just being stupid. dumb, i know. but i cant help it.

i dont know but recently ive felt like a tornado of feelings. everything happens for a reason, and i guess the result is that i have to bear this alone.

i cant tell anyone: there's no one i can trust with this secret, not anymore. i dont want to be known as a **** or as a *****, or any other word that you can think of, and i know that if i told anyone, ANYONE how i feel right now, those words will haunt me. i just cant bear to let anyone know about it.

there's no one i can confide in. for once when i pick up the phone, or look at my MSN, i dont see anyone that i felt i can confide in... the only one i thought i could, the one i felt i would most probably call, i cant. because it concerns him, because its about him.

ive lost feeling for everything, suddenly i dont want anything anymore. not another relationship, not another feeling. all i want is for all these to disappear. for all these things to leave me alone.

for the past few days ive spent some time talking to aloysius, and ive understood a few things: certain things about fate and life that i cannot avoid.

for a while now ive known when my life will end, where it will and how it will. but knowing how it happens will not make it any easier. homo-sapiens work that way: they want answers to everything.

after talking to him ive understood, that everything happens for a reason, and there's no such thing as controlling my own destiny. actually there is, but controlling it will only give you the same result anyway.. it's not going to make a difference. in a sense we're all lab rats, being tested each step of the way. our death, will ultimately test the final test, and it will be our death that means the most to us. it is in death that we accomplish everything. just like how rats and bunnies have to die so that we could live in the scientifics that they have answered for us.

talking to アロイ also made me realise a few things about life, and even if it doesnt make sense, its the only answer i have, and i'll live with it. it sucks, knowing that everything ive done, everything ive tried to defy what i knew was going to happen, is in fact making it happen that way. its shit, but that's the way it works.

for a long time now ive seen my future, ive seen what im going to become, what my life will be about. i dont know how i'll get there, but i know its true. it gives me satisfaction, at least knowing that i will live (and die) for a purpose i find worth it.

everything that's happening now is falling into place... the final frontier is inevitable.

all this shit is happening to me for a very good reason, and i understand that. i just wish, that im not supposed to bear this secret alone, that i could tell someone with that someone listening to me purely, not telling me what to do or what can be done to salvage the situation.

i dont want to save anything. i dont want to rectify anything. i know its my fault but i dont feel i did anything wrong. its my fault im in this stupid situation in the first place, that i know. but im not going to change it just because i feel it would make me feel better. because i know it wont.

i just want to know how im feeling. i just need to let it out.

im supposed to be the happiest girl in my life around now.

1) i just came back from japan
2) had the time of my life there
3) my birthday is coming
4) i have friends who would stand by me
5) i have the freedom i wanted

but why is it that im not happy? no i dont feel like its because i made the wrong choice: rather i felt that i made my choices too late. im still adjusting. i know it'll take time, and that i will live through it.

but this feeling is making me turn into an empty void of feelings, so much so that ive lost the feeling for everything else.

suddenly i dont know what to live for anymore.

でも。。。　わたし　の　夢　だから。。。　

i wont give up my dream

even if i know its not going to work out in the end...



even if the dream is no longer mine.







im sorry... im sorry to the three ive made promises to. i promised all three of you i wont do the same one thing, and i honestly thought i was going to keep it. forgive me. i promised the three of you, but all three of you are now in my past, all three of you broke me into the tiny pieces im in now.


im sorry for what ive done to myself.

crap. for the first time in my life i feel like swearing.

its all happening again... all over and over again. ive been crying on and off the for past day, knowing that what sucks has happened to me.

it made me do something i promised i would never do. and im sorry to those whom ive promised.

its stupid really. im feeling like i did 2 years ago. alone in this world with nothing else to count on.

my life has always been on an average hi-low situation, but now its gone a low so low i didnt know i could go.

everything's gone wrong. everything's starting to feel like shit now. and worse of all, i cant find someone to turn to: or rather the person i want to talk to is the person i cannot talk to.

im just an empty shell left. nothing's worth anything anymore.

even my birthday has lost its meaning.

there's nothing left for me.

i finally printed my KTC pictures... all 335 of them (AFTER filtering)... sorting them into days now... going to do a scrapbook before internship started... but.... the funny thing is...

when i decided to go to Marine Parade to print photos, i reached and realised that i left my card at home. so i went home to get it... then went back. after going there.. it printed... and i left my card there...

stupid.

luckily i got it back... then i went home... and it was raining. damn cold. colder than miyazaki... but not as cold as hokkaido. DEFINITELY colder than kanazawa...

the worst part: printing the photos reminded me of the times i spent there, which made me miss my host so much... maybe some time when im free i'll filter another one, and send the photographs to her... its cheaper to print in singapore after all... xD

kf im writing this especially because i know you're going to be reading it.

i know you've read the story and i know what you think is going on. NOTHING! if you read it you'll know that he has NOTHING to do with the reason why we ended up this way. certain terms in the story must seem misleading and confusing to you... and knowing you, you'll probably make up a whole list of reasons why after you read this.

what i wrote there, is how i feel now. but how i feel now, has not changed. this is not the reason why we broke up in the first place, and now it will never be. the fact that you read my story doesn't prove anything, and the fact that you know how i feel doesnt mean anything.

its just a term, an inside joke if you will. it doesnt MEAN ANYTHING. clear?

recently ive been writing most of what's happening into a story, for people who dont know me to read. i guess you can say this is because im too confused about what im feeling and i dont know what to do.

i know its not right for me to even be talking like this, but that's exactly why im confused... i really dont know what to do anymore... i really dont... =(

i just feel like typing rubbish, so please bear with me.

im confused about everything... i dont know what's going on anymore. i really dont understand a lot of things, and one thing im never good at is knowing that im on the losing end.

everything's like a roller coaster ride, and there's nothing i can do to stop the ride until it stops on its own.

i dont know.. im really confused right now. i dont even know what to think anymore...

today was an odd day. it started out with me going with xiuxiu to get donuts.. the queue didnt last as long as i thought it would. after that, we sat down at starbucks to have coffee (and her have her donuts). we talked about quite a lot of stuff that involved a weird topic. ^^ so it was no surprise that we ended up laughing and laughing. =p

after which we decided to get a movie. we watched underdog... i myself didnt want anything to do with animated / cartoon movies, but since xiu wanted to, what the heck!!

but it was not a bad show.. though personally i prefer action/adventure show than compared to comedies. BUT! the only thing, as you guys all know, i wont watch a horror film.

after which, we decided to go back home... =p tomorrow school is starting, and i was just getting into the holiday mood. xD but then again ive been in japan for 2 weeks, so i guess that's where my holidays went. as each moment passes and i think of my trip, the more i miss yuka. i miss okaasan, otoosan, even rena and eru. haiii...

well at least i should be glad she's replying me when she has the time... but knowing she has exams, i wouldnt bet too much on it.

some other things are bothering my mind now... but i guess somethings just dont work out.

after looking through a lot of things i realised that ive lost the interest for blogging, the interest to let people know how i feel. i rather tell them face to face: seeking an answer like this is not the way to go.

however!!! i am very sour. =(

just called ms nga. apparently now i got to go for another interview with mediacorp tv, but that's on hold as to whether they like my fact sheet or not.. hm... I DONT WANT TO DO PRODUCTION!!! =( oh well... at least it beats something like advertising or PR... at least it's fun. =p hahaha.

learnt a lot from ppl during the MILE trip... hopefully we can become a group of 12, not 6-6. we are a group after all, not SPSU vs SPSEC, or Japs vs Not Japs, whichever you want. but some hatred and anger has already been buried too long... i only hope its not too late.

about to leave for an interview for Revolutions Press... still no idea what im in for.. guess i'll find out when i get there~

still not sure if my attire will be okay.. but this is advice from xiu... lets hope it works. maybe i should ask ms kwa.. =D

dont worry about me, im fine. thanks for worrying, but im perfectly okay now, better than ever actually. except for the fact that im really really sick now. =p cough, flu, and someone (me) has an interview tomorrow! =P and after that, ANNIVERSARRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! =D yay me!

p.s. i just realised my bday coming soon.. O.o totally forgot! bday bday bday!!! CANT WAIT!

today got me thinking a lot...

recently ive been on a blood lust. well, not exactly. what i crave isnt blood.. its the pain that comes from it... especially recently ive realised that when im upset i tend to claw myself subconsciously. i know it relieves me and all, but a good friend of mine told me to stop it before it'll get worse.

i guess you can say its getting worse, im doing it more often. not with a penknife, but enough for me to see a huge red line on what used to be my near-elbow area.

i guess ive been cranky recently, and ive scared quite a few people. xiuzhi, kf, maybe even roger. haha i wont know. but truth is its made me see the truth behind what i feel... p.s. to xiu, thanks for talking to me today.. everything's fine now. i understand how i feel now.

to all those who've cared about me and adviced me, thank you. because of you guys i got the courage to tell kf what really happened. to my dear, thank you for being there... because you were there... i now feel safer.

its really a matter of perspective, really. i scratch when im pissed or upset. just keep that down and i should be fine. i hope. =)

haha post MILE... many things to do.

firstly, SMRT was a blast man! seeing frustrated people (including shawn) and many funny atheletes made the time all worth while! xiu and i spent a lot of time "unclogging arteries" at AMK hub.. fun fun!

now got to upload pics. GIRLS I NEED TO GIVE U GIFTS!!!

WELL A lot of things have turned up on my doorstep. but first... IM BACKKK!!!! hahahaa. =p im about to head out for SMRT challenge now... thought i should read my email.. LUCKY. apparently im going for an interview soon... for a company called Revolution Press Pte Ltd ... its a magazine company... hm... andrew ang and doris nga asked me to go... hmmmm... dont know much about this.. but try it out! =D

talk more when i see u guys.. japan was damn fun!

its been the first time that im able to blog from kanazawa. so far im still enjoying myself, doing nothing but take in the sights and culture. really different from singapore. my host, yuka, has been great! she drives, and she likes to talk to me about the day's progress. =) they say she's very pretty, but i feel she has good assets that she knows how to manipulate to make herself pretty. =)

cant wait to get home though... (no actually i also cant wait to spend money xD) hahaha.

heh i cut my hair. its back to being almost black again. i love my hair now... seems so long since my hair was so well kept. it feels much better now. left to pack bag!!!

haii.. a few more days before i fly... sense of foreboding... =( wonder who'll send me off? not that im hinting that someone should, but im really curious because some tell me that they might come, but havent confirmed yet. i dont wish to rush anyone into coming down: im more worried about how'll they'll get back later.

at least i know kf's there. =) that's a comfort in itself.

KANAZAWA CHECKLIST!

still packing my bag... i hope i havent forgotten anything... someone tell me if i did, please!

~ clothes
- formal shirts (2) ** wear one to airport, bring one in case**
- formal bottoms (2) **wear one to airport, bring one in case**
- shoes (3) [ formal, informal, maybe boots???]
- jackets (3) [ blazer, two normal jackets]
- underwear (5 a piece)
- socks (7)
- towel (i dont like sharing towels)
- NDP shirt
- bottoms (5)
- normal tops (6)

~ equipment
- my host has wireless... soo... LAPTOP!!! [AND PLUG!]
- camera
- 2 batteries for camera
- small tripod
- my 1GB xD card
- HP (my mom's)
- 3G card (MINE)
- HP charger

~ girl stuff
** im sure i packed those already. NO NEED LET YOU READ!**

~ washing stuff
- face wash
- toothbrush
- toothpaste

~gifts
- yuka's fan
- family's ""picnic basket""
- extra gifts for others
- grandparent's gifts (i think food ba)
- roger's gifts
- sze's and kimiko's gift
- haru's gift (whatever i get later on)

~others
- yakult bottles
- photo frame
- notebook to write stuff in
- files to put stuff in

**hand carry*
- camera
- extra battery
- handphone
- jacket (1)
- some girl stuff
- notebook
- file
- pen

today was a hectic day... first went to chinatown... bought host stuff... i bought:

- chopsticks
- small gifts for random people
- bak kwa
- moon cake
- takeshima in frame
- chinese fan

still yet to buy...

- merlion chocolates
- dried mango
- kaya


wondering should i cook... i dont want to poison my host... =(

^^ my host is sze's ex-host. =P siusiu's is kimiko's! looks like quite a lot of familiar faces... including mukai himself!

PART 1!!!

finally i decided i have enough time to edit and post the pictures!! haha. for the actual sizes please go to my multiply. =) hehe!

anyway... J02... our beautiful chalet very near a lot of the amenities.. =)

see.. so quiet and peaceful..
phyllis: xiuxiu... i'm going to go on the bed... HEHE!!!
the two girls unpacking
phy and me trapped on a chair so that xiu can mop the floor.
we bored people... we shall cammy...

look! PHYPHY's FEET! =D
phy being very "tired"
us watching TV wahile waiting for sandy to come to start "xiu's" party.
the three "phyllis" ses
only 1 phyllis. =D
me and xiu.. we're very bored.. nthing to do until sandy comes...
see how bored we were..
sad... why sandy no come?
haii... a while more..
back to watching tv then..
three trying to be phyllis... =P
nice nice lights.. =)

hahaa since all three girls have posted something about the chalet... i shall too!!!

post:

PICS COMING TOMORROW!!! hahahahahah!! *i wouldnt post about the chalet without pics man... i love the pics of chalets. FUN FUN FUN!!!**

hee. last minute preparation!!! =D

[Part 1] Self Confidence: 77% -> You're confident.

[Part 2] Sensory Perceptions: 82% -> Extremely sensitive to surrounding stimulation.

[Part 3] Body Language: 50% -> You don't know how to use body language to your advantage yet.

[Part 4] Conversational Skills: 80% -> A real talent!

[Part 5] Empathy For Others: 80% -> An extremely kind and warm person.

dont know... some quiz called HOT OR NOT... but i find these answers more interesting than the actual verdict on whether someone is HOT OR NOT... this is more like a breakdown of personality. i dont know if its very true.. but i feel its slightly true at the least. especially part 2. xD as xiu says, " my family has good hearing" xD

DONT READ!! HARRY POTTER 7 SPOILER AH SANDY!

J.K. Rowling goes Beyond the Epilogue

J.K. Rowling has announced in new interviews with the Today show on NBC TV today (July 26) that the epilogue of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was vague on purpose.

She said it was her desire for it to be "nebulous," something "poetic," and that she wanted the readers to feel as if they were looking at Platform 9 3/4 through the mist, unable to make out exactly who was there and who was not.

She admitted her original epilogue was "a lot more detailed," including the name of every child
born to the Weasley clan in the past 19 years. For example, Victoire, who was snogging Teddy, Lupin and Tonks' son, is Bill and Fleur's eldest child.

"But it didn't work very well as a piece of writing," J.K. said. "It felt very much that I had crowbarred in every bit of information I could ... In a novel you have to resist the urge to tell everything."

But now that Book 7 is in our hands, J.K. no longer has to hold back any information about Harry Potter. With 14 fans crowded around her in Edinburgh Castle in Scotland earlier this week, J.K. has now told us the following exciting information:

Harry, Ron and Hermione
In the book, Voldemort meets his end and Harry lives. But J.K. said Harry's survival was not always a certainty.

"In the early days, everything was up for grabs," she told USA Today. "But early on I knew I wanted Harry to believe he was walking toward his death, but would survive."

The epilogue tells us that Harry marries Ginny and has three kids. J.K. explained that this created the family and the peace and calm that Harry never had as a child.

An often asked question is what are Harry, Ron and Herione doing now? J.K. said that Harry, along with Ron, is working at the Auror Department at the Ministry of Magic, and after all these years, Harry is now the department head.

"Harry and Ron utterly revolutionized the Auror Department," Rowling said. "They are now the experts. It doesn't matter how old they are or what else they've done."

Meanwhile, J.K. said that Hermione, Ron's wife, is "pretty high up" in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, despite the fact that she laughed at the idea of becoming a lawyer in the scene with Scrimgeour in Deathly Hallows.

"I would imagine that her brainpower and her knowledge of how the Dark Arts operate would really give her a sound grounding," J.K. said.

An important point for J.K. was that Harry, Ron and Hermione don't join the same Ministry of Magic they had been at odds with for years. In joining it, they revolutionize it and help evolve the Ministry into a "really good place to be."

"They made a new world," Rowling said.

Luna Lovegood

Luna Lovegood, the eccentric Ravenclaw who was fascinated with Crumple-Horned Snorkacks and Umgubular Slashkilters, continues to march to the beat of her own drum after leaving Hogwarts.

"I think that Luna is now traveling the world looking for various mad creatures," J.K. said. "She's a naturalist, whatever the wizarding equivalent of that is."

But she isn't completely crazy. J.K. said that Luna comes to see the truth about her father, eventually acknowledging there are some creatures that don't exist.

"But I do think that she's so open-minded and just an incredible person that she probably would be uncovering things that no one's ever seen before," Rowling said.

Luna and Neville Longbottom?

When she was first asked about the possibility of Luna hooking up with Neville Longbottom several years ago, Rowling's response was "Definitely not." But as time passed and she watched her characters mature, Rowling started to "feel a bit of a pull" between the unlikely pair.

Ultimately, Rowling left the question of their relationship open at the end of the book because doing otherwise "felt too neat."

Frank and Alice Longbottom

J.K. told the fans that, sadly, there is no chance that Neville's parents, who were tortured into madness by Bellatrix and Rudolphus Lestrange, will ever leave St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies.

"I know people really wanted some hope for that, and I can quite see why because, in a way, what happens to Neville's parents is even worse than what happened to Harry's parents," J.K. said. "The damage that is done, in some cases with very dark magic, is done permanently."

However, she said Neville finds happiness in his grandmother's acceptance of him as a gifted wizard and as the new herbology professor at Hogwarts.

Some lived, Some Died

In earlier interviews, J.K. had said that there were was a character she claims she had intended to kill in book 5, "The Order of the Phoenix," but didn't. She admits now that character was Ron's dad, Arthur Weasley.

"He was the person who got a reprieve. When I sketched out the books, Mr. Weasley was due to die in Book Five. I swapped him for someone else, and I don't want to say who for the people who haven't read it. But I made a decision as I went into writing Phoenix that I was going to reprieve Mr. Weasley and I was going to kill someone else. And if you finish the book, I expect you probably know and someone else who is a father. I couldn't bear to kill him," J.K. said.
But there were also two characters that died who J.K. had not originally planned to kill in the finale. She said, "Fred, Lupin and Tonks really caused me a lot of pain. Lupin and Tonks were two who were killed who I had intended to keep alive. It's like an exchange of hostages, isn't it?"

The future of Hogwarts
J.K. said that "McGonagall was really getting on a bit," and nineteen years after the Battle of Hogwarts, there is an entirely new headmaster. Also, there is a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and that position is now as safe as the other teaching posts at Hogwarts, since Voldemort's death broke the jinx that kept a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor from remaining for more than a year.

J.K. didn't clarify whether Harry, Ron and Hermione ever return to school to finish their seventh year, but she did say she could see Harry making an appearance every now and again to give the "odd talk" on Defense Against the Dark Arts.

The Confusing Ending, and More Info To Come

And for those readers who found chapter 34, when Harry enters the forrest to face Voldemort once and for all, difficult to read, J.K. said she understands. It was extremely difficult to write, she says -- the most difficult of all the chapters in the seven books.

"I had this enormous explosion of emotion and I cried and cried and cried," she said.
And while ending the series was also sad, it was also a bit of a relief. "It was this amazing cathartic moment – the end of 17 years' work," Rowling said of finishing the series, adding that Harry will "always be a presence in my life, really."

J.K. again confirmed she may eventually reveal more details in a Harry Potter encyclopedia, but even then, it will never be enough to satisfy the most ardent of her fans.

"I'm dealing with a level of obsession in some of my fans that will not rest until they know the middle names of Harry's great-great-grandparents," she said. Not that she's discouraging the Potter devotion!

"I love it," she said. "I'm all for that."



On Monday, July 30, J.K. Rowling gave a live on-line webcast interview, and she gave out more information as to what happens in the time of the epilogue in Book 7.
J.K. said the world was a sunnier, happier place after the seventh book and the death of Voldemort.

Harry Potter, who always voiced a desire to become an Auror, or someone who fights dark wizards, was named head of the Auror Department under the new wizarding government headed by his friend and ally, Kingsley Shacklebolt.

His wife, Ginny Weasley, stuck with her athletic career, playing for the Holyhead Harpies, the all-female Quidditch team. Eventually, Ginny left the team to raise their three children --

James, Albus and Lily -- while writing as the senior Quidditch correspondent for the wizarding newspaper, the Daily Prophet.

When asked "What child did harry give the marauders map to if any," J.K. said, "I've got a feeling he didn't give it to any of them, but that James sneaked it out of his father's desk one day."

Contrary to a quote in an earlier interview, J.K. says Ron Weasley joined his brother, George, as a partner at their successful joke shop, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. George named his first child and son Fred, and he goes on to have a very successful career, helped by Ron.

Hermione Granger, Ron's wife, furthered the rights of subjugated creatures, such as house elves, in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures before joining the magical law enforcement squad. The couple had two children -- Rose and Hugo.

Harry and his friends have their own history depicted on Chocolate Frogs cards. Ron will describe this as his finest hour.

A new, improved Percy ended up as a high-ranking official in the new Ministry of Magic under Kingsley. Dolores Umbridge was arrested, interrogated and imprisoned for crimes against Muggleborns.

Teddy Lupin grew up living with his grandmother Andromeda. However, unlike Neville, who was also raised by his grandmother, Teddy had his godfather, Harry, and all his father's friends in the Order, to visit and stay with.

Luna Lovegood, Harry's airily distracted friend with a love for imaginary animals who joins the fight against Voldemort in the Order of the Phoenix, becomes a famous wizarding naturalist who eventually marries the grandson of Newt Scamander, author of "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them."

Scorpius Malfoy has a lot going against him, not least that name. However, J.K. said she thinks Scorpius would be an improvement on his father.

Winky the House-Elf is still at Hogwarts, and she was one of the oncoming house-elves who attacked theDeath Eaters in the final battle.

After the battle, Firenze was welcomed back into the herd. The rest of the herd was forced to acknowledge that Firenze's pro-human leanings were not shameful, but honourable. And Mr. weasley did eventually get around to fixing Sirius' motorbike. Of course, it ended up in Harry's possession.

When asked would Lockhart ever recover, J.K. replied, "No. Nor would I want him to. He's happy where he is, and I'm happier without him!"

interesting to know that although HP has ended, it never really ends, does it?

had a good outing with the girls today.. our motive was to eat QQ rice, and have fun discussing chalet and some other stuff that i will not mention.. **ahem ahem stuff**

well first i took a bus from my house to AMK, and then proceeded to withdraw money.. DID U KNOW THE DAMN MACHINE AT AMK ONLY ALLOWS A MINIMUM OF $200 WITHDRAWAL!! WHO IN THE WORLD WANTS $200!!! =( sighhh.. but im a smart idiot.. (yes i know thats a wrong thing to say, but..) i proceeded to draw $200, and then i deposited $150 in the other machine! hahaha! HUMANS RULE MACHINES! (well, we should. we made them xD)

anyway, once i went up to AMK, i saw a nice garden opposite, so i took a photo of it, so that KF can see it too! (he promised to walk there with me one day... xD)

and then, i decided to take more pics, because the STUPID train wont come (AMK has very little RATIS)... i decided this one of the track looks pretty nice. =p

Then we met, and we went for QQ Rice!!! PRETTY QQ RICE!!! The one at Novena has more variety than the one at Douby... =p

i had carrot, cucumber, crab stick, fish flakes and turkey bacon on purple rice.. quite nice...

the girls and i then took photos... hehe while we talked about chalet!

hee. happy day. will see them again on the 21st. =D cant wait! there have been some changes in our itenary this year... new chalet regime.. xD

xiu just messaged, before i leave house. our chalet is finally confirmed, and the room is confirmed too! =) hee!

i bought a new pair of shoes. they're not too high, and yet they look casual. =D

pretty... i likes. =p i put the box there so i remember where i bought it from.. hee! ^^ this is the after-effect of what phy said when "i wanna go shopping"... she addicted me into buying something, and i bought something! WOOO SHOES!

happy thing, my shoes might be fixable. the presentation one that is. the NODA ppl said that they could expand it for me... so i guess one of these days i'll bring it back to them and ask them to help me do it. xD hopefully it works, but considering that if it doesnt, i wont wear it, it isn't an exact win-lose situation. =p hee~

just went to see the spain fireworks. not bad, actually quite good. was very much better than Singapore's one anyway. i'll upload the vids i took... but not now. now im very damn cold and i want to huddle.

other than that... i cant wait for chalet.. though a little dreading MILE now. =(

i miss my bebe...

love my new skins!

yay. i finally changed my blogskin. ^^ heee! what u guys think! =D

hee. i waited till 11.52pm to send xiuxiu a bday message. she only saw (or replied) me this morning. said something about knowing i wont forget, but at the same time didn't know why i didnt send one... well, now you know xD hehehehehe.

anyway, happy 23rd bday! ^^ u v old already. hehe.

cant wait to see the girls on sunday!

haiii... recently we've been on a rough patch of grass.. or hay, whichever you want. i dont know the reason or whether it's my fault, or whether it's just too many things going through my head (and his) that's making us so easily irritable recently. but i know what i can do... the only thing i can do: shower him with so much love and attention that he'll drown in it~!!!

today i had a happier time talking to phyphy and shopping with her. we went to so manyyyy places, shopping for perfume (for her and s), and then shopping for presents for (AHEM!). we went to cut her hair, and im glad to know she's happy with the result. whew. =D haha. we shopped until about 7++, then decided its time to go home.. =P now my feet and back are sore.. =p but it was fun!

ive officially run out of things to say about everything. i dont know how to explain this in words, persay, but i dont know why im just so pissed all the time about certain topics which i have now deemed sensitive topics.

i guess its times like these that you know how it feels to have someone around you all the time, to share your troubles and problems. i would have settled for troubles that have happened before, but its happening over and over again, so many times that over the many times it has happened, im slowly becoming immune to the redemptions made by those problems.

the results cannot justify the causes and i cannot justify that i can look at certain things with the same forgiving eye, the same look i used to give, the same "maybe its not like we think it is...maybe there's another way to it all" expression. i dont believe i've changed much, but i think when its because ive given up and its gone beyond all hope. when u hit a hammer on a plank of thin wood once, u might not break it. but repeatedly hitting the hammer unto it with significant or greater force, and ultimately the wood will break. its part of a nature cycle.

ive begun to care less about what's un-important and insignificant, and focus more on what i treasure and value as importance.

after ICM, i have so many things in life to look forward to...

1) 18th Aug - meeting with aunts to go eat and shop for shoes
2) 19th Aug - meeting with girls to talk about what to bring for chalet!
3) 21st to 23rd Aug - chalet with the girls
4) 23rd Aug - 11th month anniversary with kf
5) KCNT japanese students!
6) 27th Aug - director preview for MILE
7) 28th Aug - sis' bday
8) 2nd sept to 15 sept - I FLY OFF TO MILEEE!!!
9) 16 sept - SMRT pitstop with xiuxiu!
10) 23rd sept - my one year anniv!!!!!! =D

so many things... =) im looking forward to this holiday! YAY!

hehe. just came back from watching the latest Bourne movie. really good... kf was watching it with my family (sis backed out... ) and it was really funny!!! ^^ definitely a have to see if you've seen the last two parts. jason bourne is just so sarcastic that he's actually funny... O.o

ICMT~~

didnt expect kenneth wong to be the bad guy in the team. but he was, and i quote "the asshole journalist" in acting.

funny moments include ms nga saying that she's stefanie sun from new paper... mr ang saying that he was antonio something... we all were thinking of shawn's "father", antonio alfonso salvatore TANG. nearly broke up laughing, but decided to keep my cool. press conference... cannot laugh at the journalists' name.

ms kwa kept playing with the lights and camera.. i know its for dramatic effect and realism, but thats a bit too much, dont you think, ms kwa? (i write this because i know you're reading it...)

ms nga then went about snapping photos... wonder if there was any actual photos... if there are I WANT THEM! **hint hint... **

when ms low said it was done, we thought it was really over... until mr wong came and shot killer question to the "minister", whether he should be fired or quit... i'm proud to say phyllis gave the "ministery" answer. ^^ quite happy with how ICM went... though i think to an extent we prepared too much xD. we didnt even get to say the actual measures!!!! **cept for the hotline**

going to eat MIX with xiu tmr... =) bringing my cammy.. i think. maybe not. just use my hp bah.. xD more efficient. xD hehehe.

preparing surprise... +D

ICMT went relatively well.. something i didnt expect. but i wont say much as there are more stressed out classmates of mine doing it tomorrow, and we promised we wont divulge secrets. xD hehe.

i'll write more about it tomorrow, shall i? =) now left ICM, and then the chalet.

on the down side, i feel very negative about certain things, which i've mentioned a bit to sandy and quite a lot to xiu xiu. will tell the others in due course when i get the opportunity to... =X but if you know me well, you should know what it's about. x)

Quiz 1: The Clothes You Wear

==What others see from your style==
You wear whatever you please, you are probably confident, stubborn, strong-minded and independent. Deep down, however, you think that you are being excluded from society. You wish you belonged, but as you don't, you're going to follow your own rules.

==What your nightclothes reveal==
You are friendly and always in good mood. You are candid and helpful, and can be sexy at times too.

==What others see from your ties==
You enjoy being alone. You like to life the simple but good life, and you cherish your freedom. You are thoughtful, confident and uninterested in glamour.
What others see from your beltsIf there's not a single belt in your wardrobe, you like freedom and are opposed to all kinds of rules. You are creative and very good at work that requires you to stretch your imagination. Your main downfall, however, is that you can be very moody.
What others see from your shoesYou are adventurous. You have high self-esteem and are able to keep your promises. You like to take chances and are always looking for new opportunities to make your life more exciting.

==What others see from your earrings==
You are attractive and unique. Wearing these sorts of earrings indicates that you are a romantic and easygoing person. You like to have people pleasing you, and your personality is bright and cheerful.

==The last analysis==
You are probably a clever and adventurous person. You love to learn new things, and enjoy socializing with friends. Although you enjoy your freedom, you cherish peacefulness and like to spend time alone with your thoughts.

Your Sixth Sense
Your Sixth Sense Score: 77%
You are reasonable and won't get blown by temptations. However, you might miss some great opportunities.

Journey to the Real You
Here is the analysis:
You have 3 true friends.
You will have 1 true love before getting married.
It is your work ethic that you rest for just a minute.
Here is the description of your ideal mate: "black eyes with windswept black hair. a beautiful smile.."
KF is the person you will never get over for the rest of your life.
You give 101% in a relationship.

hee~ my test is like... on... =) 1pm to 2pm... on the 10th of august. ^^ heee! mine earlier this time!!! haha!

xiuxiu and i going for SMRT challenge too... as what i shall decline to say...

よかた　です・・・　わたしたち　いしょうに　いっこう！！！　たなしみ！！！

good thing we're going to have fun together!! looks like its going to be fun!!!! ^^ 16th of september, the day i land.


other than that... we're going to be... we're being the MILE group... going to be flying off on the 2nd... soon...

=) as for my dear kai, i got a surprise planned for him.. =D shall decline to say more.. **ps kai if u see this... dun be sad. u got the best surprise of all~~~*

MY HIDDEN TALENT

doesnt really sound like me... but this is the answer i got.. hm.. maybe my true talent is to lie and get ideal answers for stuff like this. xD i always seem to get the right answer. xD

Your Hidden Talent
Here is the analysis:
The Mass Communicator

You have a cheerful personality and you are a naturally kind person. Your hidden talent isn't really that hidden at all: you shine among a crowd. You would make an ideal news announcer, flight attendant or model - any position that would give you an opportunity to deal with plenty of people. A tip for you is to avoid getting too deeply involved in others' personal lives - otherwise you might find yourself constantly being asked for help.

yay!!! i finished with WFM... i finished with CIBM! NOW LEFT THE TWO MIA! =D hehehehehe. ^^

things that i have to do.. =)

1. CIBM CA
2. MIA Individual CA
3. MIA Group CA (editing... a bit only)
4. WFM CA
5. ICM Website
6. Print MILE Namecard
7. Design and Print Shirt for MILE

haha. i hope i can get it done soon..

what else to be done??
1. Dye and Cut Hair
2. Pack Luggage
3. SHOPPING TIME!!!

これ　わ　わたし　だけ。

its amazing how in a while's time everything i've worked for will turn to dust, and how everything suddenly seems so insignificant. every little thing gets on my nerves, and each time it just piles up higher and higher until finally, unable to bear it anymore, i explode.

honestly, MILE and chalet, as well as the time i can spend with kai is the only things i look forward to these few days, they pull me through each moment like a fish on a hook.

i finally understand why they say third year is much worse than second, and i finally agree. its like a whirlpool of events that have not stopped happening, and despite the 3 year bond, i do not feel any coser to my course mates than i did when i was year 1.

what will i do when i get out of poly? i havent asked myself this question very often, but i think i found an answer. journalism, creative, maybe some editing. but definitely not PR, or law. advertising agency im quite okay with.. albeit the concepts and all... but i quite enjoy doing SMRT, so i figure its about the same. but still, writing takes the top of the cake for me.

seeing the teachers reminds me that we still have to give them a gift. i have proposed to the girls to give them a gift (photo) on behalf of absolute comm... and they have agreed. yay another thing to look forward to! =D hehee.

忘れない。。　小さな　な　ゆめ。

its like flying over a thousand miles, only to realise that you're back exactly where you started. sometimes its so hard to explain that i cant really find a true reason behind all this anger and frustration that i feel deep down inside.

all i know is that if things keep going on this way, one day i will lose my mind. even things that ive spent years, months looking forward to, suddenly seem so miniscule, like it doesnt matter anymore. suddenly the things i yearn for no longer seem to be the reason why i continue my life.

its hard to imagine that these girls i get so attached to, that in a while's time we're going to be separated, never to see each other again. its hard to notice all the things coming at me, and realise that one day they'll never be there again... and just when you seem to have finally adjusted to poly life and its friends, its time once again to move on... and separation always seems so hard.

たのしみ　がた。たくみ　くん、ひりゅ　くん、　てずか　くん、みんな　も。。。

金沢　で　いしょうに　いきましょう！

いしょうに　しあわせ！

bwahhahaah i just finished harry potter!

only one word.

すごい。

perfect ending. ^^

i loved the story... abit sad that it ended.. now no more harry potter. =( its hard to imagine that harry potter would ever end, and now that it has... its kinda hard to imagine life without harry potter... but oh well... all good things have a good ending.

im going to try to keep this book in perfect condition... =) hehe! i loved it!

harry potter and the deathly hallows are indeed a great ending (though i rather call it harry potter and the horcruxes. the hallows weren't mentioned much either... but key point either way).

cool ending. never expected it. glad to know some people didnt die, but at the same time upset that others died. =( its sad that some of my favourite characters died. but i wont write now, cos phy will kill me.. =p she doesn't want to know yet.. =p

im going to bring it tomorrow to continue reading! *again and again and again!*

ともだち　わ　なん　の　する？

しんで　する。。。わたし　の　せかい。

これ　わ　わたし　の　ゆめ　だから。

camp's fun~ bonding time is really necessary. but besides that there are more important things that i hold dear:

a sense of accomplishment
a sense of freedom
and most of all
a sense of japan~ haha

other than that... i love camping... especially when we have cool beanies to sleep in! ^^ hehe.

camp was horrifying... and next week im going to have another one. =) this time i'm a participant. highlight:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALOY!!! =) hope you like the inpromptu birthday balloon (jo found it on the floor) and the waffle cake (with candle courtesy of food haven) xD hehehe.

^^ hehehee.... happy bday. there's a funny vids between aloy and alex... you two guys dont threesome without puvan... he will jealous one... poor suann... she spent the time being ** i shall not say ** by Alex... poor her... haha. ruth had a lot of fun with her cammy though. RUTH I WANT THE PICS!

ok... got to go practice the dance. **hums the song... we can make it true lalalala~~~ hatashinaku.... hiroi sekai.. hitotsu dake... kagayaita... my dreammmmmmmm lol xD***

just came back from camp.... really tired.. will blog when i rest finish. xD

feels better now that i got that off my chest. =) thanks phyphy for explaining. =)

"i hope today is a dream,
just to know that all this didn't happen.
i want it to be a dream."

everything about today feels wrong. everything about today doesnt feel like i thought it should.
it started off perfectly fine, if you consider i was late for class, about 1.5 an hour... so i decided since MILE camp has yet to be settled, i, as the president, should see to it that something is done. so naturally, i went to find mrs lim.

lo and behold she had a meeting, so i waited. by the time i was done waiting, it was 11. by then we met, and saw the final mile list (of which, i once again cannot say, but i myself feel that if thats the final list, im quite happy with it, because of certain reasons). after that, we talked to mrs lim, and by then it was 1. as i thought i had a meeting with the girls, i ate, and planned to rush to SB.

however, when i called xiuzhi, she informed me she was at DMS, and then told me the girls went already. this wasn't what shawn told me a half an hour ago.

Me: Meeting what time
Shawn: What meeting?
Me: Kenneth wong that one
Shawn: 2.
Me: Okay.

note that this was approximately before 1pm.

when i called, it was just after 1.so i called janice to clarify (since xiu was busy doing SW) and to ask about MIA. how did i know they really went already, apparently it wasn't even a group thing.

all i knew was that attendance will be taken. xiu told me that in the morning. but since i thought our "appointment" was at 2... i figured... "so i cant be late la". i din realise that meant "we went already and u haf to go urself cos attendance is taken".

ok nevermind. xiu said the girls wanted to leave earlier... so they went earlier. i just have one things to say.

HELLO WHAT ABOUT ME!?

i mean, ok they want to go earlier... okay they thought i was busy. fine. i can live with that. BUT... consider this.

at approximately 1pm, no one even bothered to sms me to tell me that i should go by myself. i wonder what would have happened at 2 if i went all the way to SB just to realise that you girls went already.

i thought i could expect it, at least someone thinking "eh someone msg jingyi, tell her we go already, so if she want to go earlier she can" or something along those lines. but nooo. all i knew is "good thing i called them."

so yes im upset. actually i cried. literally. i mean what else did u expect me to do? sit there and stone? no. i cried. i cried because i was upset, because i didnt realise that something like this would happen.

let me tell you what happened the day before.

i know i got in to MILE, so they tell me they plan to schedule a meeting on wednesday, the same one we were having our HP5 on. i tried my best, pulling as many strings as i could, so that i did not have to make the decision of which one to forgo. obviously MILE was more important, because of the lack of time. but i knew you girls would be upset at me, so i tried my best anyway. and now some shit like this happens. its crap, really.

i dont know what im supposed to do now. im still upset about it and i dont want to talk about it. i dont want to cry again. ive already cried for 2 hours over this. and i dont want to cry again. i want a hug. i want a big hug, and someone to tell me its alright.

i hate today.

went for MILE interview today... was quite entertaining... esp takumi-kun, who kept getting nervous... i think i know the result of the interview... but i cant divulge the results! *SPSEC PRESIDENT SECRET!*. i promised i wouldnt say...

anyway, had the interview today... and then after that went for DMC career day. was't too bad... really liked the idea of writing as a journalist/magazine writer one day... guess that's why i took the internship form.. haha. i would like to see my name in papers, after all that hard work. guess its like doing creatives, it's all worth while when you see the judges taking out your creatives and looking at it, giving a look of impressiveness. its a moment to cherish, and im proud i did it for that.

haha this video is so cute... i couldn't resist showing this! this person has also others... harry potter fans go check it out! =)

haha the girls (and shawn) and i had some fun with bertie botts every flavour beans... phy had the SOAP... shawn had a nice time eating bacon, earthworms, dirt, but puked at the sardines.. xiuzhi got berry, sandy got a lot (cos she ate quite a lot xD) as for me, i think i got rotten eggs. phy also got one that we suspect is boogey.. ^^ hhehehee.

oh ya... lets not forget sandy's toot moments. *we should share good things* says sandy.. so here goes..

lets see the conversation..

Sandy: You guys know the live earth concert right.... so **aeronic** lor!!
Shawn: ahahahhaha IRONIC LA!
sandy: ahhahaa okay la... anyway, they spent so much money to **flew** the artistes -Shawn&Jingyi: HAHAHHAHAHA! FLEW!!! HAHA
sandy: flew wad!!!
Shawn: FLY LA!
sandy: okayokay!!! anyway, they spent so much electricity, got waste so much electricity... =p
jingyi: maybe the plane is solar power
shawn: ya then at night it will *piiieewww kaboom!* (key sound effects)
Sandy: ur head la. when you're on the plane, its always daylight...
Shawn&Jingyi: hahahahahahhaaa!!
//**shawn proceeds to draw a complicated diagram of how the sun... and how it could possibly be night at the time on the plane.. =)//**

so funny... sadly phyphy came in a while too late and missed a toot moment, which shawn tried to explain, but couldn't stop laughing... xD

YAY ICM IS FINALLY OVER!!! ^^ FINALLY !!!!

today KF bought his wonderful new PSP (white). he wanted to buy the gold version, but i told him it was a woman's color. xD i thought so too. . haha but it was very fun... ^^ it was like... tennis... very fun! the graphics are perfect! very cool!



then tonight my cousin came back, and she gave me the harry potter sweet. really funny. i havent eaten it yet. i hope so though. ^^ hahahaha. i'll tell you when i tasted it.. it looks really interesting. now im at my grandmother's place. =p hahaha. ^^ lets try the sweet. xD


OMG! i ate the black pepper one... damn disgusting. really tastes like it. now im frightened to try the rest, cos they have flavours like "dirt" and "vomit". but i think i wont try the one that says "earthworm". ewwww. damn disgusting!!! hahahaha. i think i'll bring it to school on tues to let you guys try it. ack!