thanks to all who have spammed my blog. yeah new year NEW YEAR!

rather than resolutions, lets remember the good things about 2008

1. Xiu's baby birth! remember how panicky we all were.. phy and i even wanted to bring fruits down but her mum wouldnt let us!

2. Xiu's wedding. fretting over the gift, FORGETTING TO BRING THE GIFT (this was phy's xD)

3. graudation. our graduation was at least the four of us. the last school event we went to together. taking pictures of us in our gowns. loved that day.

4. internship. talking about all the stupid things we did during our internship, planning on our own futures.

5. san's bday. she was so shockd she din realise we meant to pay for her!

6. phy's bday. haha it was fun playing charades! *airport runway indeed...*

7. going over to see yuka. loved every moment of it in kanazawa.

8. meeting matt. turned out he was a good friend, even after everything we managed to stay friends. (if u ever read this matt, im sorry i quarrelled with you so often xD)

9. meeting great buddies like calvin, suyi and shiyan. great friends. im not one bit sorry i met you. though yeah i may never meet you haha.

10. meeting new friends. vince, ray, terrance, bibi, ginu (sorry ppl i dunno ur real name cannot blame poor hino), dave, jaz, ivan, and a lot more! in some ways they all helped. Love xXEmoXx. ^^

11. Dating Jaz and Matt. Ok persay i dont think i regretted any of it. even if yeah it hurts. or it hurt then. it doesnt hurt anymore. they made me a stronger person ^^

12. my sis and i kinda bonded this year. kinda. it was like proving that we both grew up. i think before this i kept thinking of her as my baby sis. OI RUIYI IF U READ THIS WE NEED TO GO OUT!!!! LA!!! I TREAT U DINNER WHEN I GET MY PAY!

13. alone times. funny enough i enjoyed my alone times.

14. ANCT. as much as i miss them, as much as it was tiring. i miss every one of them. god only knows how much i miss SP and SEC right now. ^^ dont give up guys~ FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!


there are a lot more i love about this year.. but right now i dont really remember all of them! thanks to my real life friends who were there for me when i called. thanks to my maple buds who stayed with me no matter how much of a jerk i was.

and most importantly thanks to my family, for always standing by me.

2008 is dedicated to all those memories of us. cherish it! and lets build new ones for 2009!!!

added a song to my blog. reflects my moood woo~ (note that the woo is for sentence purposes im not really going woo)

thanks to phy for spamming my tagboard (yes i agree they need a longer word limit). i'll try to blog as much as i can.

office is same as always. sleepy. boss not around. sleepy. yes very sleepy. extremely sleepy.

im halfway through all the articles. trying my best to finish as fast as possible.

kk back to work! lunch break over xD

Have you ever been surrounded by so many, and yet you feel strangely alone? Imagine looking around you, all your closest friends in the same room, and yet strangely enough, it is you that doesn't seem to belong? They may smile at me, laugh with me, but all I see now, are faceless expressions staring back at me.

Don't mistake me, it's not loneliness. It's something more profound that no one word can truly explain this feeling. Thinking closely, it's the absence of feeling. Those who know me well enough should know what I have done, what I'm capable of doing. I don't deny this.

I've changed. Maybe so much I myself am confused. Many a time recently I look into the mirror and I no longer know the girl staring back at me. She's a stranger: she belongs nowhere. My spirit's gone. The fighting spirit has vanished. In the past, I was known for never giving up, fighting to the end. That spirit has disappeared.

I don't know what changed me so much, even I can no longer recognise myself. I sit alone in my room many times, trying to figure out what changed me, and whether I wanted it this way. It's still a double-edged sword: I no longer care how my enemies or even strangers see me. But it also scares me. I know that I've been neglecting my friends, or at the very least I haven't been myself lately. And I know if this goes on, I'm going to lose them. But strangely, it doesn't scare me.

Please dont misunderstand me: I'm not saying that you mean nothing to me. More than anything you've all stood by my side when I needed help the most. You've been by my side probably more than I've ever been there for any of you. It's not that I dont treasure the friendship I have with any of you: you should know how much friends are worth in my eyes.

But that's exactly the problem. Why doesn't it scare me? Why am i not afraid of losing any of you? Or... why doesn't it matter anymore? Even asking myself to think about it now... I see a void. I see emptiness. Nothingness.

I don't know who or what changed me. And to be honest, I don't know if i want to go back to being that weakling I used to be. I'm stronger now, I know it. But is it really worth the sacrifices I will have to make to stay this way?

I thank all of you for always being there, for always listening to me despite everything I've done. To tell you the truth, something got me crying the other day. Sandy got us each a card, and on mine she wrote "I know you've been having a hard year this year." Strangely that sentence struck me the hardest. I guess in a sense, this year was probably one of the hardest years in my life. I've gotten hurt so many times, and in the process I've hurt so many people.

It's finally happened. My heart's been shattered so many times that it's locked itself up. I feel nothing. I don't feel pain, and I don't feel happiness. It's just empty. And strangely, it's okay.

I know now I wasn't made strong. I wasn't made who I am today. It wasn't me. It's my surroundings. But I don't blame anyone for who I am today. I don't even know if I'm happier this way. I know I can only blame myself. I got myself into this situation. I made myself suffer.

Someone once told me, my eyes no longer shine. My mum attributes it to my staring at the computer too long. How true, I don't know.

But now my only question remains: who am I now? and is it better this way? Is this my way of growing up?

I don't know.

The girl in the mirror is no longer the girl I used to be.

A friend (?) once told me, he saw himself in me, when he was my age. At that time, I didn't know what to say. But I realise, I may be slowly falling into his shadow. And it scares me. And i don't even know why..

omg i stole this frm my fren's blog. ITS FUNNY!

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters :
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters :
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters :
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters :
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters :
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters :
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters :
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters :
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters :
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters :
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters :
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters :
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters :
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters :
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And now.. for the grand finale of cool anagrams...

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters :
WOMAN HITLER

OMG LA!

It’s been too long since I last blogged. But I’m doing it now because I got a very important issue (and its bugging me a little).

I’m now working as the assistant editor of WaWa magazine, and I was doing research on a worldwide charity organisation to use for an article. BUT THEN I CANT FIND ANY ORGANISATION THAT ISN’T CHRISTIAN!

It’s really sad, because I saw a few organisations that really moved me. They were the kind of organisations that I think I WOULD HAVE considered joining… for example. Sponsoring a kid. It sounded like something LY said she did. I was quite intrigued.

If I had the cash, it was something I wouldn’t mind joining. It’s like a homestay thing to me anyway. BUT THEN, I realised the money was to be used so the kids can go to school, enough to eat, and… hear the word of God. I’m sorry but I just don’t think that I can consider funding something for a child, when I don’t believe in doing it myself.

But it’s not the only one. Most organisations are religious in essence. Helping people to spread the word of their God seems like what I see now. And I’m just not feeling it. This isn’t the way it should be.

It’s just my personal opinion, but it feels odd to me. Amazing, but odd. I really don’t understand it. But I know that I will not join any religious charitable organisation!!!! WOOTS~!

i havent blogged for a long time. actually i havent shown my online presence in a while now. been doing some thinking on my own. catching up with old friends.

met sharon and jes that day. after so long meeting those mediacorp kuku-heads was fun. hahaha.

i miss phy and san the most, met xiu for madagascar2, not that bad. first time she was out w/o azalea (yay i got it right!). she was kinda panicky, but it was fineee.

got a new HP, Nokia 6600 fold. its pretty~

met matt recently too for dinner.

quarrelled with parents.

but life goes on. as much as it sucks. lol.

oh and btw, im really disgusted by some people's behavior right now. at the same time, i've found a good friend in rayyen and vincent. sometimes it takes pain to make you realise what you had all along.

no i havent gotten over it. im barely surviving as it is.

but i know.. it hurts now. its meant to. one day i'll be okay. i hope.

i only know, i will not sink to the lvl of certain people.

no more miss nice hino.

thats got to end.

hmm. i dont know what to say. i used to be afraid of writing here because i dont know who reads it. maybe thats' the reason i dont blog here anymore.

im trying not to think at all but its not easy for some reason i woke up at 7.30 (despite sleeping at 2.30) and i cant go back to bed.

o well.

the worst has happened. i expected it to. okay its not worst, persay. but its horrible.

but for now there's nothing i can do.

just wondering in my brain and pretending that it means nothing to me.

what's exactly happening, im not sure either. i just know.. its beginning to hurt all over again. its getting better. im coping well. but. its not.

not yet.

something's still pestering me at the back of my head.

i dont want to forget it.

notice that im blogging lesser nowadays. i know that too. but ive lost the motivation to blog altogether. starting to feel that maybe keeping it to myself is much better.

but im going to continue writing, even though i really feel that i have nothing more to say.

miss the girls. cant wait to see you guys again.

im feeling really depressed lately.

and insecure.

until i no longer know what im going to do.

i cant handle this.

i cant accept it.

i cant move on.

and worse of all...

i cant let go.

time has flown by. im feeling lower and lower. i dont know if i can ever pick myself up again this time.

maybe one day time will change my decision. maybe soon, maybe never. i dont know. but i do know i will stand by him no matter what. even if everyone argues in my favor, i'll stand by him. even if not for my feelings, just because he was always there for me. thats enough.

today was phyphy's birthday bash. was fun, really~

we played games, talked about random stuff, and more or less saw her closest friends in the same room.

but something was eating me away.

something was missing.

phyllis and shawn

sandy and fitri

xiuzhi and michael

me.


something was seriously missing. and today it was more obvious than it ever could be. it wasnt just the missing of a presence. he seemed to be missing today. and i miss him.

i'm not crying anymore. havent for the past few days. but today i cried. twice. both when i was alone. i didnt want to ruin anyone's party. i didnt want to make anyone see me cry. but the 1 hr i was alone today, i cried.

the past few days i tried not to cry, to keep myself alive and keep myself strong. but it hurts so much more, bottling it all up inside, crying inside to myself.

it hurts so much more... and this time i dont have you to confide in anymore.

someone once told me. the road will become straight when i reach it. but what happens when ive crossed that road, and all that's left is.. a cliff. i can choose to step back and stop, or jump, and not know if i'll fall or fly.

i dont want you to ever read these.

i dont want you to know.

this is my pain.

its my sacrifice.

this is my own problem to fix.

until today, a day hasnt gone by that i havent cried about it. yes it still hurts. maybe now more than ever. but he can never know.

maybe somewhere in the future i will stop crying, someday i will move on. but for now, maybe i dont want to? im not sure either...

its over.

but its okay.

we're friends.

that's how it's meant to be.


no matter how much it hurts me to say it now. i loved you. and i always will, but now as a friend, maybe a brotherly figure. but that's all you said we could ever be.


in the past, ive seen blood of others. the blood splashed on my hands i knew wasnt my own. but this time, i know its my own.

i seem to be blogging a lot recently. =D things have turned out for the better i guess. =D i think im just being too paranoid. =D i should really stop thinking so much. ^^ hehe.

cant wait to see all 4 girls at the SAME TIME! WE STILL HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT!!!! i dont think xiu can go swimming with baby around on thurs, right?

i MISS CHALET. <<< VERY BIG HINT. I. MISS. CHALET.

okay yes im being totally random.

Chalet.

anyway, time for me to go to bed.

Chalet.

Im getting really tired.

Chalet.

omg it's already 4.30am. Time to go to bed!

Oh and did i mention? I WANT CHALET!

HAHAHA!

haii..problems are starting to arise in every part of my life right now. im just glad that i have good frens to tide it with me, and a bf to hold me if i should fall.

i hate today.

i hate today.

i hate today.

today is officially the worst day of my life.


my parents are trying to get me to let go of one of the only thing that keeps me in touch with the people that have made my life better. they dont understand how these people have pulled me through everything: how these people amidst everyone else have stood by me, and how ultimately one of these people became the most important person in my life.

its not the game that matters to me, not the leveling or the point of the game. for me its just being there talking to the people i love, the people who've always been there for me. the people who've, when i needed help, showed no hesitancy to help me. in the game ive met great friends, and in some ways, how is it different from IRC or MSN or even FRIENDSTER? its just another way of mingling, no?

if quitting meant that i'd never talk to them again, never see them again, then no i will never quit. they mean too much to me. though yes i'd admit the game hurt me in more ways that i'm willing to say, but the game also gave me some really good friends, and the game taught me a lot.

but no, my parents dont understand that. they dont see anything in anyway i say. even something that they could call a small thing,they can end up blowing their top at me for crying (and i cried in frustration of not being understood, being wrongly accused).

now they're saying they would let me travel across the world. but somewhere in my mind it's telling me they'll do anything to get me away from it.

i wont say that they dont understand. i'd admit i hid plenty from them. but not because i want to, or tried to. it just happened that way.

life sucks right about now. nothing's going right. everything that needs to go wrong has gone wrong.

there are plenty of things i love about this month. my time with jasper, with the girls and all.but at the same time, i will never forget this month for a few reasons: i've lost a good friend, two maybe, gained 2 old friends back, found a loving boyfriend, and for the first time in so long, pissed myself off.

october... supposed to be a happy month for me, isnt it? well... not anymore.

i hate it.

i hate the feeling of non-existance.

i hate feeling as though i mean nothing to no one.

i hate feeling that i dont exist.

had a good day with jaz last night.. hanging out w him and ivan talking about crap. was fun. though i spent like 2 hours sleeping near his house...

phy's bday is coming up soon... (Thanks phy btw for the card. i just opened it) wonder how it'll be like.. never been to a 21st bday bashy before~!

sandy's obviously still busy, havent heard from her at all...

xiuxiu... well.. hehe. i've talked to xiu on the phone for a while few days back. azealea's growing preeeeety fast. =D