im tired.
so tired.
afraid of falling asleep.
i dont want to wake up
dont wake me up
from my beautiful dream.

im sick.
so sick.
afraid of seeing the truth.
i dont want to admit
i dont want to see things
as they really may be.

dreams
just dreams
they're all i have
all that i can believe
that i can say, i once lived

the real world
harsh and violent
but in my dreams
i can escape

my heart pangs, it hurts so much. even more so every day. some things cannot be undone. some things will never stop hurting. some things can never be forgotten.

i guess this applies to me to. ive done things that cant be undone, things that will never stop hurting ppl, things that people cannot forgive me for. but everytime when im alone, or when i think back, echoes come back in my head, repeating the same words over and over again. words that hurt me more than anything physical could ever hurt. words that, no matter how much i knew it was true, it still hurt thinking about it. words that never failed to well up tears in my eyes, tears that no one will ever see.

a softer side i saw
comforting, loving
beneath the layers
hidden, waiting
under the pain
the brutal, the hurt
caring and gentle
in touch and in word.

hmmm. progress. im making progress. i can feel it in my heart. i can feel the pain. i can feel the hurt of lying, and knowing that i cant lie to anyone anymore. for the first time, i can feel my heart telling me "stop it. its time to really stop it." this is the first time ive felt like i cannot lie to him or anyone anymore. honestly, it took me by surprise. but i am kinda happy it happened.

as i lay quietly in bed
pretending to be asleep in your arms
i gave myself a small prayer
that tomorrow will never come

reading phy and xiu's blogs made me realise what ive missed. because both posts were about the things they cherished and missed that we used to have, i realised i missed those same things too. its kinda sad wondering if we can ever get them back.

but more than that i miss a lot more. i feel like im now looking at a scrapbook in my life, hoping to get a glimpse of where i changed. i dont know why reading their posts were so emotional to me.. maybe because i feel i've lost touch with them. like im no longer there where i used to be.

sandy, if u happen to read my blog, happy birthday. i dont know which number you use now and i lost my phone, so i cant send you a birthday sms. but here's happy birthday from me.

a lot of things have been going on. thinking back makes my heart ache and hurt so much more. but the past is the past. i cant dwell on it anymore. sweet memories, bitter heartaches, its all the past now.

meaningless tears
falling continuously
silent sobs
alone in the dark
but even as the tears fall
i wonder why
why... i cry.
it wasnt pain,
it wasn't hurt.
and yet.. i bled.
my heart bled.
for some reason i didnt know.
but still, i continued to cry.

hmmm. phy and i were talking about chalet in december... wondering if that's even possible. but there are a lot of uncertainties...

1. xiu's leave?
2. xiu's baby?
3. sandy's free time?
4. advanced booking...

its finally happened: it's starting to mean less and less to me. every day im online i realise im less and less attracted to the game: it's changed too much for me to think about staying there too long. i guess im finally starting to grow up, knowing that one day i will leave this behind and move on. that one day i'll have to. before i started poly i used to play games a lot too. once school started i found myself having no time at all: other things were way more important. with school and friends and life beckoning to me, i found myself letting it go subconsciously. but now im consciously telling myself that i dont want to get stuck on this anymore.

i guess at one point i never wanted to leave the game, because it meant a lot to me. it meant that at least at that time i could talk to him. i know leaving the game behind i'd lose quite a bit of contact with him, but i trust our friendship is stronger than just beyond the world of gaming. it's with that trust that i lose the fear of letting it go completely.

i guess when my life gets busy again, when i find a life beyond this screen, i will move on. they ask me what about my friends in the gaming world. they're just characters on a screen. they were never anything more.

im gg to take it a step at a time. see how long more this game can continue to push me before i finally am forced to let it go completely.

angels and demons was a great show, but slightly dull compared to the book version. they left out a few key details and interesting twists that i really wanted to see. but overall nt too bad, better than the harry potter remakes at least.

spent 4 hours walking along vivo... waiting for the movie to start. imagine this, i reached at 4+ but the only timings that had good seats was a 1225 movie. even after eating and slacking and walking around vivo, still got time to spare. sigh.

there's this save the whales partition in national geogrpahic... i read some stuff, found out some interesting things about whales. the pictures kinda blow your mind. they show you stuff that you never imagine: like a real whale tail in the water, and ppl on the boats near it. the tail was bigger than the boat! O.o

they had odd things for sale, like this cold room where apparently its -3degrees inside. they had old paperwork old picture frames (complete with pictures), books, and even old dusty bottles (that go off for like 2K sgd... who would want those?). everything's super expensive: even the fork and knives are like... 15bucks each. super duper expensive.

but it was an eyeopener... i spent 1hr there hahaa.

slept in until 3pm today. still kinda restless.

its been.. almost a year since everything happened. since graduation, since my life started embarking on the road it is still on. all in all im growing older, getting wiser, and i guess maturing in general. i hope so. im not in a rush to grow up, but it suddenly seems inevitable that one day i will have to. im learning a lot these few days, about life, love, and everything in between (i think i took this from phy's blog).

to some people i guess life would be a lot more complicated, but to me it seems very simple, and getting simpler by the day. i guess this is what we call "getting used to life". ive read and tried to catch up with a lot of people's blogs... friends, enemies, classmates alike. everyone seems to be taking great strides in their lives: marriage, kids, work, study, all of the above maybe?

so at one shot i'll try to answer all the questions about my life: since i owe it to you guys for MIAing the past.. ya. very long time.

Studies: applied for RMIT 2 year advanced standing in degree for communications. if successful i'll only be doing 1.5years, and its a part time course so i'd graduate in approximately 2011. results will be out in august, so i got nothing to do till then!

Life: not working now, not erally looking for a job. maybe part time until my application proves successful?

ghostly memoirs

i hear your footsteps,
i see you glide by
my tears start to fall,
as i reach out to you
my heart pounds and thunders:
what if you shirk me away?

you walk on, as though
you dont see me at all
no flicker in your eye
no smile on your face
just the gentle steps on the pavement
and you continued that way.

i imagine this day,
over and over again
how can i get you to see me?
i am but a ghost of your past
a memory you've long forgotten
a past.. only i remember

a ring, a distant sound
a foreign object in my hands
a single rose, bright red as blood
i look up, curious, confused
and i see it in your eyes: i know
i have yet to lose.

sometimes the actions of someone makes your own seem effortless. sometimes you think the thought counts, but certain things just cant be overwhelmed even further. there's just too many elements im unsure of, too many things i dont know and may never have the chance to find out.

scary thought: more and more ppl i dont know are chancing upon my blog. @@ i dont exactly know if thats a good thing or not: i guess good thing about it is they can give me objective POVs without being afraid to hurt me (since they dont know me), while my frens will be.. i guess.. more... erm.. gentle?

well ive decided anyhow. a lot of things happened the past week, and last night settled all my doubts. ive made a lot of mistakes in the past, and im determined to never make those mistakes again. i dont know if its possible to change, or even to "not be who i am", but im going to try my best to change for me and for everyone else around me.

mother's day's coming up.. i dont know if i intend to do anything: my mum seems to have plans of her own. she keeps insisting i spend more time with her, and in my own defence its not that i dont wish to spend time with her: ever get the feeling that... the people around you dont see 100% what's happening to you, and yet... they assume they do? that just because you're... sleeping when they go out, and sleeping when they come back, must therefore mean you slept the whole day away?

my dad, on the other hand, is more relaxed about me staying out late. okay relaxed isnt the right word: he still spams sms-es and calls, but he's beginning to give me my own space: i.e. not calling my friends, waiting for me to reply... agreeing to let me stay out late as long as he knows where i am. i guess its come to the point where my dad has finally understood that im growing up, and he has to let me fly sooner or later. my mum, on the other hand... i guess to mum's we'll always be a kid.

phyllis is due back from aus soon.. cant wait to see her. talked to her on MSN a few days ago: she must be studying her butt off right about now. phyphy if you read this: GOOD LUCK IN YOUR EXAMS!

xiu just started work, im kinda waiting for her to post about her office and environment and such. but no luck yet. still waiting~

as for me, i got myself (or rather my mum) a new camera~ i got really annoyed with the macro on my old camera, and finally i found one im satisfied with!

i even cleared out my closet to make space for my new clothes (which i am ordering online).

final note: i need to diet. BADLY. ^^

there are two paths in front of you. the first is a lit path, but at the end you see a future you dont want. the second is a dark path, you cant see anything ahead of you. you dont know if its scarier, or not.

which path would you choose to take? most people would advice you to take the lit path, because you know whats in store: at least you know its safe. would you? or would you risk it on a second path, not knowing what career lies ahead of you, or whether they'll be an end at all?

or will you jsut choose to stand at the fork of that road, until one day a decision will be made for you?

in life we're always given decisions like these. neither seem to be the right answer, yet you still have to pick one. for me, i dont know if ive chosen, or whether im still staying on the forked path, where it seems safest.

maybe one day i will decide.

im back again.

for once i find myself at a loss. words can no longer describe what im feeling. i guess one thing that hit me in my comment box was the word "hide". i wouldnt say that im hiding, but the fear is adequately accepting that as an answer.

ive come to question myself about a lot of things. what with being 21, i guess its time to think about life as a whole. and after thinking through it all, ive come to the conclusion that i dont think this year is going to be any better than anything. age, is just a number after all.

ive heard about friends who think they won't make it past june, ive known of people who, knowing they may not survive past a certain period of time that seems to be drawing so much closer every day, and yet they smile and laugh like nothing can burst their bubble.

and yet on the other hand, here i am. not sure what to do, not sure what's ahead. not even sure if i can accept my future when it comes along. there's a lot in my future that's pretty uncertain. and there are parts of it, that if it comes true, are unacceptable.

strange, i can seem to solve or guess problems amongst my friends. i just cant solve my own.

well. its been a long time since i wrote something here. its been a long time since i felt the desire to write anything, or talk about anything. rest assured i'm okay. still alive, all body parts intact.

a lot has happened this past month. ups, and downs. ive missed out on a lot of things i deeply regret, but its too late now. i guess you can say ive been MIAing from almost everything. almost no one has seen me in the past month. ive stopped reading blogs, stopped blogging in general. dont ask me why, i dont know.

since the last post, i havent actually read the comments on my own blog. i havent read any blogs so i dont know whats going on with everyone, but i hope everyone's okay.

a lot has happened, ranging from me losing my handphone, to applying for uni, finding a job, quarrelling with the folks. time seems to have gone by and im staying still. to be honest i dont know if i want to move along with time.

i cant say i miss seeing you girls, because ive always been the one MIAing. ive always been the one skipping out on outings and skipping out on almost everything. i hope everyone's going on fine.

i guess my main reason for posting this is just to assure you guys im okay.

To everyone:

I’ve got something to confess. I’ve been acting like a jerk to all of you. I’ve told all of you stories about Matt that weren’t real. I’ve lied about certain things to different people. I manipulated with your feelings and told all of you one-sided stories just to make myself look good and to make him look like an ass.

Truth is, none of it is true. In the past when I told you Matt and I broke up, I twisted the story so badly that Matt became the jackass and I was the angel. That everything I did was right. That I was the one sacrificing to be with him, and that he did nothing for me. You may think I never said that, but it was implied.

Truth is, he’s given me more chances than I told you. Even time and again each time we broke up I begged him for another chance. I gave him empty promises about how I would change, about how I could be a better person. But behind his back, I backstabbed him, telling Shiyan and Calvin stories. I made him seem like he was the one at fault. That it was never me, and that I was the one giving him chances.

When Jaz and I got together, I neglected and ignored him. I threw him aside even though he was always a friend to me. My happiness meant more to me than his friendship. I was selfish and thought only about myself. But when Jaz and I broke up, he was the first one I looked for. And despite everything I’ve done towards him, he still helped me through it.

Even now, even today I haven’t learnt my lesson. I still continued lying to him and trying to cover up for those lies. I lied to all of you too. Sandy, Calvin, Shiyan: especially to you three. I told you once that I was raped but I really wasn’t. I was being a selfish brat trying to find attention.

Matt gave me many chances, and even though he did I never treasured it. I pretended to change because of him, because I didn’t want to lose him, but behind that I was always the same person. I’m a two-faced bitch, lying to everyone about everything.

I made Matt seem like the devil to all of you. I made all of you hate him and gang up against him, just so that I would feel good about myself.

I’m sorry to everyone. To all the lies I’ve told you. I’m sorry I’ve manipulated your feelings. I’m sorry I’ve used all of you. I’m sorry, especially to Matt, for tainting his image and turning him into something he’s not in everyone else’s eyes. I’m sorry Calvin and Shiyan, for making you believe me. For lying to all of you.


I'm truly, truly sorry.

im just back from the doctor's... let me first tell you what happened.


i was at a meeting with my boss and the rest, when suddenly this mirror dropped on my head. the mirror is a big mirror with a wooden frame, approximately those painting sized ones. it crashed right on the left side of my head.

everyone was stunned. they were all asking me if i was okay. everyone was worried. but i totally went numb... it hurt too badly for me to speak. at first i thought it was okay. i was pressing my hand to my head to numb the pain.

when i brought my hand away, there was blood all over my hands. a little blood started dripping down the side of my head. thats when i got worried. i started tearing a little, not because it hurt, but because i felt scared. head bleeding is never a good sign.

my boss sent me to the doctor. a general clinic below my house. she talked to me and told me funny stuff to make me feel better. then she just glue stitch to "repair" my head. she said there's a 1.5cm "split in my skull". i got stunned. i went "split in my WHAT~!?"

after that, now im back in the office. my head's throbbing a little, and it hurts quite a fair bit. my friends say i should go for an x-ray just to be sure. i'll see what my parents think.

still a little scared.

ive got my first pay. it's a total of... $1161. considering in holidays and weekends. literally wise i worked exactly 1 month. as in ive been sitting in this office for a FULL month. but realisitically speaking, because of leave and public holidays, ive actually been here for 1.5months. though some might say for 1.5 months 1161 is considered LITTLE. but den if u consider that ive only worked here 1 FULL month, and im supposed to be paid 1000 a month.. its a good deal for me =P

$_$

breathe.

breathe.

breathe and do nothing. breathe and wait. countdown... 3 weeks.

1 more month's magazine.

Finish Ace and Ray.

And then leave.

Leave knowing you regret nothing.

Leave knowing you've tried your hardest.

And leave knowing she'll never understand.

nothing i do is right. thank goodness Love's always there to make me feel better ^^