i dont know i guess its stupid, that im sitting here, trying my best not to cry, for a reason that i dont know. i dont feel like talking, i dont feel like interacting. i just feel like being alone. i think maybe i just feel im losing something, that i feel that ive lost something. and i just dont want to try to get it back.

i want to put up that wall again, put that wall that blocked me from interacting with people, that prevented me from getting hurt. that wall that made me feel safe, that made me feel me.

now i just feel insecure about everything, about how i seem to slowly lose everything. i thought that here, at least i made some progress, that at least something in here changed my life. and it did. but i also lost something. and what i lost, either i dont want to get it back, or i cant.

i want to hate them, i want them to hate me. because if i hate them then i can let them go. if i hate them, maybe it wont make such a difference.

the past 2 days ive felt the urge to start all over again...

the craving will go away once the first cut is made.

but i cant do it. not because i dont have the guts. but because its too hard to explain.. to my families.

my revenge is nearly complete. just a few more days. and then. it will be over.

the end of my internship will also mark the end of that story, that lie, that image that i wanted to believe real.

i will destroy you, because you nearly destroyed my life. but even if you destroy me now... let's look at it this way... who will believe you? i've already thrown it away. what you know means nothing to me anymore.

in a week's time.. i would lose everything i worked for in the past 3 months. in a week's time, these 3 months would mean absolutely nothing to me.

in a week's time... these three months would never have existed.

it's the only way i have left: to wipe away everything, to wipe away my tears. to wipe away the pain.

it's the only way for me to forget: by pretending it never existed.