faces in the mirror


seems like i got my flair of writing back. i guess the changes i've made to myself have not gone unnoticed... based on the reactions i got from certain people. ive learnt a lot about others yesterday: learnt how sometimes you only get to see one face, so much that you become oblivious to the other faces he/she shows others. the result being two people you never thought you could meet... yet somehow they're the same person. maybe you hate one, and yet you are okay with the other.

for me, 1% of hate is stronger than 3% of laughter. i just cannot look at someone and know that once they turned my life upside down. i guess at some point in time i wish i had learnt to be strong earlier... during that time i was a quiet person... who was willing to forgive, and in brutal terms, follow blindly. if someone said this person was okay, to not offend that one person, i would have said so to, to her at least.

i guess at that point in time i created a few faces for myself, hiding behind the kalediscope of faces i created for myself.

but now, from a face for everyone, it slowly blended to become only two faces: two faces that two different people see. one is the girl that you see if you're a friend.

that girl is a bubbly, happy and playful girl that doesnt mind making a fool of herself with her friends, that can share anything with them, and she knows that even if she had told them facts, truths, they could accept her point of view even if they didnt agree with it.

the other girl is an exact opposite. that girl is an evil girl with evil plans whom she intends to set free. before, this girl was suppressed, thinking that if she let this girl out, she would lose everything she had... the friendship, and everything else. but with her new found strength, she was taught into realising that maybe, this girl had a purpose in being a part of her afterall. since her childhood she had always been revengeful, evil, maybe notorious even. but she had left them to thoughts and stories, never letting them out. she was afraid of what might happen... of karma, maybe. but certain things in her life that she felt made a difference, made her realise that it was their karma for messing with her, and that some sacrifices are worth making. because of this girl, this girl that only her enemies see, she was able to balance each one. without the assassin, she would have to suffer with the pain. with this girl, she could live with it, knowing one day they would get their own from her.

~~

looking into the mirror, sometimes she knew she no longer recognised herself. (wait why am i speaking in third person...) so much so that i've become almost like a person i've been watching, a person that was no longer me. its hard to explain... but it seems that the moment i realised that i could do something about life, that i had a hand, a share in what happens to me, that my fate planned it this way, and that i have control, i lived a life that was no longer my own.

reading back my entries from the past, i guess i did change a lot. my past was filled with moments of KF, nick and eugene, of how i wanted to forget desmond. my writing has somewhat changed too... i've begun to write more and more about how i feel, than just what happened... i guess the need to write has become an innate part of my life.

so... seeing that weiting has posted a happy and sad thingy.. i shall too. even if im a little late.

Happy things that Happened to me in 2007

1) 19th MILE
the memories, SOME OF the people i've met there, my host family, KTC, every part of it. each part, each memory, means so much to me. because of the MILE trip, because of the people i didn't like, the ones i did got closer, and because of that, i became stronger. i will remember each moment, each memory, all the laughter and "roger's gift". even if some people made the trip bittersweet, but because of that, the others and i got closer... and because of that... it made it so much better.

2) birthday chalet
i know i didn't say much about this, but this really meant a lot to me. i mean, firstly its my first birthday celebration... even if nothing much happened, the small details will always be with me... the games we played, and the fun we had. i'll always remember them.

3) phy's bday party
although this was not necessarily my own memory... but it was wonderful all the same, because of the planning involved, the fun we had "lying" to her... planning our lies and plotting carefully, staying up late to finish the cloaks, giving ourselves inspiration and everything. the look on her face was more than anything. it was priceless. the fun we had was really unforgettable. the planning was even more intricate... planning how to get her out... my angst... my anger at sandy... running to her place... following her... keeping contact with xiuzhi... everything.. jamming the lifts, even to the extent that her parents helped! oh goodness i won't forget that.

4) chalet
of course, how can i forget the half-year chalet the girls and i have? its a tradition after all!!! it was always fun to bond with the girls... even if weird things do come up. but planning for xiu's surprise was also a little odd... how to bring the cake into the chalet... how to bring the gift? where to get and what to get for her? how to get her out? the night before was spent planning... phy san and me.. online trying to figure how to get her out... me blowing balloons in the toilet... phy pretending to sleep... sandy pretending to lose the non-existant ring that fit gave her... everything... oh my goodness imagine the planning!

Sad things that happened to me in 2007

1) ... you know... when i reached this part... i really cant think of anything to write. i mean... i stared at this blank for a whole 10 minutes before i could decide what to write. okay... i could write about how i feel, about the pain in my heart, about how i was torn and broken, my disappointments and regrets, but then i realised i didnt have any. because every single sad moment i had, every bad thing that happened to me, turned out okay in the end. just like in MILE, because i had to go with SOME incompetent people, it made the rest and i bond even more than we would have initially. similarly, every bad thing that happens to me, something good will come out of it. suddenly everything that's sad seems seemingly insignificant. i guess... that's a good thing.