a new year, a new resolution. each year seems to pass and yet my resolutions never seem complete. with each year comes more uncertainties, more fears and more doubts. more incomplete achievements, the insignificance of the years before.

i would say i'll let it all go. i'll throw it all away and forget it. but i can't. because what i want to forget is too deeply intwined with what i'll always remember. its two different things, two separate issues, and yet, like thread with cloth, it all comes together, blending.

this song in my blog is so haunting, so peaceful, and yet.... it symbolises everything i feel right about now.

i told myself i'll give it up, that i'll give it away. i shouldn't be sad, not even disappointed about something that i knew would never happen. guess that's why im okay with everything. rather, instead of feeling upset and disappointed, i choose to feel happy, happy that it had, during its time, made me stronger, made me who i am now: someone that can stand on my own two feet. i'd rather this happen all over again, the memories alone are precious enough.

my chapters have to end. there's literally nothing more for me to go on with any longer. but thank you, really. for making me strong. for making me realise what i can do. for making me realise, i dont have to be pushed around, i dont have to take anything lying down. i have the mindset, i have the power, i can use it. even if its not my power, even if there's no way for me to do anything... there's still always a way out. i used to get upset over thinking about shit, about what happened to me, and about how helpless i used to feel. but after those days, after those moments, ive grown stronger. instead of feeling helpless, i now knew how to manipulate it to my advantage, to make it work, to do something about it. and because of that. i grew stronger. im now able to stand on my own feet, support my own spine. for those moments, those memories, thank you.

a year has gone by, so have many memories. i dont regret anyone of them. although it seems like i would be better off rewinding time and hoping it never happened, hoping that i never started anything, hoping i didn't dig my grave, i wont undo anything. each and everything i did, i learnt to overcome, i gave up, each moment made me stronger. i can admit that. each memory, each moment, taught me something.

the past year was full of memories... things that i'd never forget.

1) yuka. i'll never forget that memory for as long as i live. kanazawa, ishikawa, 19th mile. forever it will be a part of me.

2) the girls... for each moment i shared my torments and pain with them, they were there to listen to me. for all the joys that we been through, the troubles and the pain... planning of parties, planning of everything, scheduling, working, stressing and laughing together. those memories will always be with me.

3) the people i hate. thank you, even thanking you. because you made me strong. you made me realise everything.

4) my secret. thank you for making me realise my own strength, for letting me stand on my feet. thank you for making my life better, even if at one point it was all sadness and misery. the scars on my wrist will take some time to fade, but by then, hinoki will be stronger than ever. thank you for doing all that, even if you didn't know it.

5) weiting... especially weiting. thank you for listening to me. you know what i mean. =) i'll be here if you need a pillow to whack~

6) art.. for the funny looking kitty. (DONT SAY MEOW!) thanks for listening to me and giving me cryptic messages. the quote you gave me still is a part of me today.

7) アロイ... for everything. for letting me know einstein did not invent the lightbulb... all the laughs and the mind challenging conversations to the night. x) was fun.

to all those who mean so much to me, thank you for being there for me... =) thank you all.

this new year... marks a new beginning. literally. because its on the 31st, while i was sitting at the MRT... that i swore to myself and promised others, that i will let it go. that i'll finally... give it all up. that chapter of my life is literally closed. now only future lies ahead. we'll see where this leads us.

Hard to believe my blog is already 1 and a half years old... hmmm. since the art house trip with the girls... cant imagine at that time... my 3rd post talked about how much i can finally give desmond up. and now... hahaha. so much has really happened since then...