without a mind of my own
merely following
losing my individuality.
like a puppet
i cry when you tell me to
i smile when you want me to
but yet inside is empty
i have no feelings of my own
no memories i wished to share
everything i had and knew
belonged to you.
and once you pulled your hand away
once the strings separated you and me
i was nothing left
but an empty shell
i try my best to help
i attempt to change what people think
but all they seem to see of me
is a puppet, waiting to be manipulated.
so what happens
when i cant resist
when all i can do is play along
i force myself to do the unthinkable
and sing another puppet song.
Recently I've always been on the verge of breaking down, it's like everything's going wrong at the same time. Family problems, friendship problems, even work problems, they all seem to collide. In the beginning, I've tried my best to keep myself sane, trying to work my way around each and everything, one at a time. But now I've come to the point where I've given up fighting, i just go along. I'm too tired: too many things have been going on.
Since DMA was over, I thought I could relax, and have a relaxing time before exams. But suddenly, someone pulls reality from under my feet, and throws it over my head like a blanket. Problems without solutions arise from that blanket, falling before my eyes. Now everything that I thought used to be important, is no longer so.
I'm sick and I'm not thinking right: all I want is for someone to tell me what to do, someone whom I trust is doing it for my sake, and not their own. But whenever I look around, there never seems to be anyone I can completely tell them the harsh truth, and letting them believe me. so I've forced myself to do so many things that I really dont want to... but its for someone else's sake, not my own.
tears have been flowing out from my eyes like they were taps that couldn't be shut. too many things have been piling up and i feel like im being squished. i was never claustrophobic, but this feeling scares me. unlike the physical feeling of constricted space, we can always overcome it by thinking of wide spaces, but when the soul feels trapped and constricted, nothing in the world can make it feel better.
people have been telling me to smile, and forget about what's currently on my shoulders, and concentrate on the exams. but i have more important things than the exam to worry about. i would go back to one of my old habits, but i promised an old friend i would never do it again. but sometimes i feel its drawing me closer and closer to that edge that i wish never to go near.
i like helping people, its not that i dont. maybe more than most other people. maybe that's why i cant stand people who cant pull even their own weight, when im trying my best not to let them down. like what i mentioned to someone, we all have strengths, only some dont shine as bright. but what i cant take it when people are certain that you're there working to beat the deadline, and yet there they are, worrying about themselves, and always asking if we can get it done or not. their laughter drives my crazy like nails on a chalkboard. when i see you perform, i'll stop talking about this. but until then... dont expect anything less than 100% sarcasm.
a few days ago i also found out that some people didnt intend for me to take this place. it really irks me knowing that she thinks im not competent enough, knowing that she thinks im not good enough for what she holds, when i was the one preparing everything for her. just because she wasn't there doesn't give her the right to say things that aren't true. "This is not a job anyone can do" she said... guess that's what i'll expect from someone who doesn't believe me when i tell her about japanese etiquette... HELLO IVE BEEN TO JAPAN BEFORE~~~ heck it's her that's making a bad impression for the school... not my problem. if you dont want me here, i can always drop out.
gone were the days when i was a puppet
i dont want to be manipulated anymore.
Takahashi Hinoki
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