i cry. silently.

i want to disappear. i want to run away and never come back, to a place where no one knows me, where i can be alone with the biggest regret ive ever had to bear. only he understands and only he will never judge me. only he will forever need me.

i want so much to turn back time and make it ok. to undo all the things ive done. ive heard a song which basically sums it all up.

~~

It doesnt take much to learn
That the bridges that you burn
Leave you stranded, feeling alone.
It doesnt take much to cry
When you're living in a lie
And decieving that someone will care
And if i could turn back the time,
I would put you first in my life.

And i would risk it all for you
To prove my love is true
I've built a wall around my heart that will only break apart for you
You've changed the way i feel
So tell me what's the deal
Don't say, don't say its too late.

Now, hills are getting hard to climb
Running out of time
My decisions are pending on you
I will accept the blame
For burning out the flame
Hoping the story will twist once again
And if i could turn back the time
I would put you first in my life...

~~

I know its taking me a lot to not run, to not just leave. Im practically gluing myself to the spot and forcing myself to say everything just so i know i cant run away anymore. But the feeling is there. I can sense it. I want to run, to go so far that i know i cant make any more mistakes. Ive done enough damage in this life time.

I dread tomorrow. I really do. Im not hoping for anything anymore. Ive done too much to even think about hoping. Tomorrow, i come clean. I've already decided to do it and i'm not changing my mind. But even now i still want to find an excuse to run away. To delay the last day. To make sure tomorrow never comes. But i also dont want to stay like this, living in the shadows, always being afraid.