ok i imagine this to be a super long post! prior to this i never had the time, nor did i want to blog about anything. my life so far has been pretty... topsy turvy... but nothing too extreme. and no, i havent fallen off the roller coaster yet. (okay maybe after the end of this post, i might have fallen off)..

everything is happening in a millisecond. even as i type this winds can change. even i dont know what im talking about anymore. sometimes i wonder if im thinking right, whether everything im doing has a hidden meaning to it. i convince myself countless of times im not, because i know myself well enough: if i plan to do something for a hidden meaning, i would know what it is. i would plan it flawlessly, seamlessly, making sure that nothing would go wrong, before i act.

even as i type this i constantly ask myself what im doing. im fighting a huge battle against myself... a battle i dont know whether i want to win or not. either way, someone's going to get hurt. either way, things will change. i dont know if im doing this for myself, or for the "better good". for once, even i dont know what i want.

i'll be meeting the girls this... saturday. depending on the situation i think i'll wait the 6 days out. not because i want to have false hopes. but rather because i dont want to kill myself thinking that i THOUGHT once.

i dont even know what im thinking anymore. for once i want the answers there for me, for me to cheat and copy. but especially at this time, i have to think for myself what i want...

ok now this post seems short.

i dont feel like writing anymore.

heck i dont even feel like publishing it.