I'd admit i felt a little (okay more than a little) depressed yesterday... for a reason i dont know.. seriously. i just didnt want to talk to anyone, i didn't want to be around anyone.. i didnt even want to stay with anyone. i just wanted to be left alone.. i guess the premonition of leaving this "familiar" place has already come, and im just trying to make it easier when i do leave. its like KTC, and SP all over again. i remember in both situations, i took a look back: i wanted to remember one sole place of each place.. but then when i look back here, i dont know what i want to remember... OAP? recep? NPP5? i dont feel like they remind me of something special... the one place i guess.. i want to remember will probably be the gate.. because that's where it all started, and that's where it will all end for me..

but back to my depression.. i really felt yesterday that i didnt deserve to have friends, that something was stopping me. i guess i knew deep inside that after internship we would no longer meet.. and i didnt want to suffer that way again.. so instead of suffering, i think natural instinct in me was just to walk away.

i tried to cry, because something told me that crying would make me feel better. i wanted to run, just literally run and run, but i couldn't. my running shoes were not with me.

everyone here has done so much for me.. they're even going to give me a farewell lunch.. but i dont really want it. i dont want to feel as though im a part of something if im leaving, as though it would mean something if i came back.

im trying to put my mind on brighter things, like going to kanazawa, seeing yuka, busying myself with the last events of the club before moving on.

But i still dont understand.. im still terribly depressed.. im not me lately. maybe on friday i'd feel better.

someone once told me... "I heart that is afraid of dying never truly learns to live." i guess its true.. even if the stacks are piled this way, there's still something else for me to go on with it.

just have a feeling that something's lingering on my mind. something's... out there. i know it. but i just dont know what it is.. guess its meant for me to find out when the time comes..

cant wait to see the girls again.