recently found out my jobscope from mediacorp... quite funny because i'll be the exact model of a DMC student.. doing EVERYTHING under my course. quite cool actually.
1) photoshooting for artistes
2) video production
3) marketing
4) ITB
5) designing
6) advertising
7) PR
8) maintain the library
sounds quite interesting, and im getting quite excited. i dont know.. the class has become a little hypocritical though.. i cant really stand it, but its their life. technically i cant really be bothered. when i see them all being happy and taking photos, i dont see myself joining them. i will never forget the pain of the two years. and although everyone seems happy to each other, where they can be each other in peace... they find themselves mingling amongst each other because its the last few days. even enemies are taking pictures with each other. its ironic, and hypocritical. i will never forget what they've done to me. its etched clearly in my head.
and when everyone is trying to hold gatherings, to make meetings and final farewells, dreading the internship period where we wont see each other again... i on the other hand find myself looking forward to it... because i can leave everything behind and have a fresh start.
they dont want to leave school because of the memories it held, of the friends they had. i dont want to leave school because of that one person. everyone else i can forget, i can give up... but that one person is the sole reason why i'll miss going back to school. we all have different reasons for not wanting to leave SP.. and my reason is fairly simple..
~
janice today asked me if i really declared everything to the teacher. i guess i had told her everything that i had confided in earlier. but even so... i had avoided that question. the story is too long for me to go through in my blog all over again. justice did its purpose, and even if i lose the battle, ive won the war. thats all i need.
school's changing so quickly, everyone ive worked with or under is changing. mrslim, the principal.. it'll never be the same. nothing ever remains the same, even if we wish it to be... and yet i wished time stopped. i dont want to go anywhere...
countdown, 3 days before i never see him again...
Oct 30, 2007
hmms. i guess its time for me to find out the truth. but im not willing to "expose" myself as of yet. ive talked to phy about this. and i still cant make myself believe that that's the way he meant it to be.
and it hurts. taking pills every hour to counter the pain. but it still hurts. i dont need the answer.. its not the answer that i need.. im willing to wait it out. ^^ ive made my decision, and im sticking to it.
and it hurts. taking pills every hour to counter the pain. but it still hurts. i dont need the answer.. its not the answer that i need.. im willing to wait it out. ^^ ive made my decision, and im sticking to it.
Oct 29, 2007
hmm.. today was an emotional day for me, i guess. i was reading the kanazawa magazine on the train... and reading it in class while waiting for my turn to go for "mock interview"... while i was reading i stumbled on a page.. and another. each page showed me what i experienced in kanazawa... on each page, my mind superimposed me and yuka, as well as okaasan there, as we explored the place. each page, each flip, i remember the things okaasan told me, the things yuka explained to me... kenrokuen garden... the ninja temple... everything. subete mo... even pictures of the 21st century museum, i remembered doreen... slowly everything came back to me in a big blow. my phone decided to help spread the emo mood, and started playing Arashi's Itsumademo.
いつまでも
Itsu made mo
Till forever more
大好きな気持ち ホントのこと 伝えきれずもうさよなら
Daisuki na kimochi honto no koto tsutae kirezu mou sayonara
My feelings of liking you, the real emotions; I haven’t conveyed it yet we said goodbye
元気で暮らしてと いつもの場所 ふたり無理に笑いながら
Genki de kurashite itsu mo no basho futari muri ni warai nagara
Live your life well; at the usual place, we both forced ourselves to smile while saying that
未知の上はしゃぐ 踊る未来の粒
Michi no ue hashyagu odoru mirai no tsubu
Laughing above the unknown, as the seeds of future danced
真っ白な想いでを 胸にしまった日の約束
Masshiro na omoide wo mune ni shimatta hi no yakusoku
The thoroughly clear memories, keep in the heart, it’s our promise that day
---
君と生きた毎日 ただ君だけを愛した日
Kimi to ikita mainichi tada kimi dake wo aishita hi
Everyday that I’ve lived with you, those are the days I loved you only
たぶん僕のすべてが君のそばにあった
Tabun boku no subete ga kimi no soba ni atta
I guess everything of me is right there by your side
当たり前の毎日 二度と逢えぬこの日を
Atarimae no mainichi nido to aenu kono hi wo
The definite everyday life, this day will never come back again
どんなときも忘れないように こうやって時を止めたい
Donna toki mo wasurenai you ni kouyatte toki wo tometai
No matter when, so to never forget, I just wanna make time stop
---
こんなに辛くて忘れたいよ あなたの声 優しい手
Konna tsurakute wasuretai yo anata no koe yasashii te
It’s so painful that I wanna forget, your voice, your gentle hands
諦めたくて逃げたいほど情けなくて いつも一人
Akirametakute nigetai hodo nasakenakute itsu mo hitori
To give up and run away, how merciless; I’m always alone
音が急に鳴る 君のための歌が
Oto ga kyuu ni naru kimi no tame ni uta ga
Suddenly the music rang, a song for you
カバンの中あふれてる ふたり好きだったメロディ
Kaban no naka afureteru futari suki datta merodi
Filling up the bag, is the melody we both loved
---
君が泣いた訳をただ探して恋した日
Kimi ga naita wake wo tada sagashite koishita hi
Searching for the reasons you cry, in the days of love
多分君のすべては僕のためにあった
Tabun kimi no subete wa boku no tame ni atta
I guess everything of you exist because of me
もう帰れない場所が こんな風に過ぎ去ってく
Mou kaerenai basho ga konna kaze ni sugisatteku
In this place where we can’t turn back, like this wind passing by
どんなときも忘れないように こうやって時の止めたい
Donna toki mo wasurenai you ni kouyatte toki wo tometai
No matter when, so to never forget, I just wanna make time stop
---
離れてくなんて
Hanareteku nante
The matter that we’ll be separated
思わなかった
Omowanakatta
I’ve never thought of it
ふたりのすべて
Futari no subete
Everything of us both
いつまでも…
Itsu made mo…
(May it be) till forever more…
---
ごめん僕もう先を急ぐ （Oh）
Gomen boku mou saki wo isogu (oh)
I’m sorry I have to leave now (oh)
二人共待つ街の記憶 （Oh）
Futari tomo matsu machi no kioku (oh)
The memories we both shared of this city (oh)
溢れ出る様波の如く （そう）
Afurederu-sama nami no gotoku (sou)
It’s like overflowing ripples (yes)
山の彩る秋の如く （街の記憶）
Yama wo irodoru aki no gotoku (machi no kioku)
It’s like the scene of decorated mountains (memories of the city)
現在も光って 未だ光ってしまって...
Ima mo hikatte ima da hikatte shimatte...
Now, it’s still shining, it still shining on
---
君と生きた毎日 ただ君だけを愛した日
Kimi to ikita mainichi tada kimi dake wo aishita hi
Everyday that I’ve lived with you, those are the days I loved you only
たぶん僕のすべてが君のそばにあった
Tabun boku no subete ga kimi no soba ni atta
I guess everything of me is right there by your side
当たり前の毎日 二度と逢えぬこの日を
Atarimae no mainichi nido to aenu kono hi wo
The definite everyday life, this day will never come back again
どんなときも忘れないように こうやって時を止めたい
Donna toki mo wasurenai you ni kouyatte toki wo tometai
No matter when, so to never forget, I just wanna make time stop
君と生きた毎日 ただ君だけを愛した日
Kimi to ikita mainichi tada kimi dake wo aishita hi
Everyday that I’ve lived with you, those are the days I loved you only
それは現在なお僕襲う （Oh)
Sore wa ima na oboku osou (oh)
It’s invading me now
あの歌また記憶解く （Oh)
Ano uta mata kioku hodoku (oh)
That song released my memories
溢れ出る様波の如く （そう）
Afurederu-sama nami no gotoku (sou)
It’s like overflowing ripples (yes)
山の彩る秋の如く （街の記憶）
Yama wo irodoru aki no gotoku (machi no kioku)
It’s like the scene of decorated mountains (memories of the city)
当たり前の毎日 二度と逢えぬこの日を
Atarimae no mainichi nido to aenu kono hi wo
The definite everyday life, this day will never come back again
身勝手になって 胸に仕舞ってみたって
Mikatte ni natte mune ni shimatte mitatte
In my own way, keeping it in my heart
現在も光って 未だ光ってしまって
Ima mo hikatte ima da hikatte shimatte...
Now, it’s still shining, it still shining on...
~~
this song really, like アロイ said, really portrays how we feel towards the hosts. the song is perfect.. talks perfectly about our feelings, and the mountains that i'll miss. every part of this song reminds me of the time i spent with yuka.. of the time with the takeshimas...
because of this song, and because of the memories that started flooding back to me, i cried. yes, in the middle of class. i just sat there and started crying. i couldn't take it. its been barely 2 months since i met yuka, and like the song said, its time to say goodbye. looking at the photographs made me realise how much i really missed them, missed the times i spent with them. and because of that, i cried. i cried for yuka, for okaasan, for otoosan, and of course, i cried for him. everything piled up moment by moment, and each moment i cried, more memories came back.
i ended up flipping through the report i had written, to be submitted as part of my proposal. all the more, the words that i had written, somehow affected me more than ever. we never wanted to leave... i had written... we would probably never see them again... i had said. each word true, each word meant so little now.
but each word threw a bomb on me. and i teared more than ever. the memories of kanazawa, of yuka, were all deeply implanted in me, that till today, i still dream of her. i dream of kanazawa, ishikawa, even nomi, where yuka lives. i dream of all these, because i treasure those memories.
and because of that, i cried. i cried for almost half an hour before i could stop. but even when i stopped, i still couldn't forget about it. the feelings had reappeared.
it was worse when i had gone to the Isetan at Shaw, which showed me everything, once again, that yuka had shown me. the Sanma, the Soba. each one bringing back memories. even the dango that we shared, i thought of yuka.
i miss them so much... and i feel stupid crying only now. the day i left i had held back my tears, but now it seemed like the right thing to do.
takeshima family - oniisan, + me. =)
いつまでも
Itsu made mo
Till forever more
大好きな気持ち ホントのこと 伝えきれずもうさよなら
Daisuki na kimochi honto no koto tsutae kirezu mou sayonara
My feelings of liking you, the real emotions; I haven’t conveyed it yet we said goodbye
元気で暮らしてと いつもの場所 ふたり無理に笑いながら
Genki de kurashite itsu mo no basho futari muri ni warai nagara
Live your life well; at the usual place, we both forced ourselves to smile while saying that
未知の上はしゃぐ 踊る未来の粒
Michi no ue hashyagu odoru mirai no tsubu
Laughing above the unknown, as the seeds of future danced
真っ白な想いでを 胸にしまった日の約束
Masshiro na omoide wo mune ni shimatta hi no yakusoku
The thoroughly clear memories, keep in the heart, it’s our promise that day
---
君と生きた毎日 ただ君だけを愛した日
Kimi to ikita mainichi tada kimi dake wo aishita hi
Everyday that I’ve lived with you, those are the days I loved you only
たぶん僕のすべてが君のそばにあった
Tabun boku no subete ga kimi no soba ni atta
I guess everything of me is right there by your side
当たり前の毎日 二度と逢えぬこの日を
Atarimae no mainichi nido to aenu kono hi wo
The definite everyday life, this day will never come back again
どんなときも忘れないように こうやって時を止めたい
Donna toki mo wasurenai you ni kouyatte toki wo tometai
No matter when, so to never forget, I just wanna make time stop
---
こんなに辛くて忘れたいよ あなたの声 優しい手
Konna tsurakute wasuretai yo anata no koe yasashii te
It’s so painful that I wanna forget, your voice, your gentle hands
諦めたくて逃げたいほど情けなくて いつも一人
Akirametakute nigetai hodo nasakenakute itsu mo hitori
To give up and run away, how merciless; I’m always alone
音が急に鳴る 君のための歌が
Oto ga kyuu ni naru kimi no tame ni uta ga
Suddenly the music rang, a song for you
カバンの中あふれてる ふたり好きだったメロディ
Kaban no naka afureteru futari suki datta merodi
Filling up the bag, is the melody we both loved
---
君が泣いた訳をただ探して恋した日
Kimi ga naita wake wo tada sagashite koishita hi
Searching for the reasons you cry, in the days of love
多分君のすべては僕のためにあった
Tabun kimi no subete wa boku no tame ni atta
I guess everything of you exist because of me
もう帰れない場所が こんな風に過ぎ去ってく
Mou kaerenai basho ga konna kaze ni sugisatteku
In this place where we can’t turn back, like this wind passing by
どんなときも忘れないように こうやって時の止めたい
Donna toki mo wasurenai you ni kouyatte toki wo tometai
No matter when, so to never forget, I just wanna make time stop
---
離れてくなんて
Hanareteku nante
The matter that we’ll be separated
思わなかった
Omowanakatta
I’ve never thought of it
ふたりのすべて
Futari no subete
Everything of us both
いつまでも…
Itsu made mo…
(May it be) till forever more…
---
ごめん僕もう先を急ぐ （Oh）
Gomen boku mou saki wo isogu (oh)
I’m sorry I have to leave now (oh)
二人共待つ街の記憶 （Oh）
Futari tomo matsu machi no kioku (oh)
The memories we both shared of this city (oh)
溢れ出る様波の如く （そう）
Afurederu-sama nami no gotoku (sou)
It’s like overflowing ripples (yes)
山の彩る秋の如く （街の記憶）
Yama wo irodoru aki no gotoku (machi no kioku)
It’s like the scene of decorated mountains (memories of the city)
現在も光って 未だ光ってしまって...
Ima mo hikatte ima da hikatte shimatte...
Now, it’s still shining, it still shining on
---
君と生きた毎日 ただ君だけを愛した日
Kimi to ikita mainichi tada kimi dake wo aishita hi
Everyday that I’ve lived with you, those are the days I loved you only
たぶん僕のすべてが君のそばにあった
Tabun boku no subete ga kimi no soba ni atta
I guess everything of me is right there by your side
当たり前の毎日 二度と逢えぬこの日を
Atarimae no mainichi nido to aenu kono hi wo
The definite everyday life, this day will never come back again
どんなときも忘れないように こうやって時を止めたい
Donna toki mo wasurenai you ni kouyatte toki wo tometai
No matter when, so to never forget, I just wanna make time stop
君と生きた毎日 ただ君だけを愛した日
Kimi to ikita mainichi tada kimi dake wo aishita hi
Everyday that I’ve lived with you, those are the days I loved you only
それは現在なお僕襲う （Oh)
Sore wa ima na oboku osou (oh)
It’s invading me now
あの歌また記憶解く （Oh)
Ano uta mata kioku hodoku (oh)
That song released my memories
溢れ出る様波の如く （そう）
Afurederu-sama nami no gotoku (sou)
It’s like overflowing ripples (yes)
山の彩る秋の如く （街の記憶）
Yama wo irodoru aki no gotoku (machi no kioku)
It’s like the scene of decorated mountains (memories of the city)
当たり前の毎日 二度と逢えぬこの日を
Atarimae no mainichi nido to aenu kono hi wo
The definite everyday life, this day will never come back again
身勝手になって 胸に仕舞ってみたって
Mikatte ni natte mune ni shimatte mitatte
In my own way, keeping it in my heart
現在も光って 未だ光ってしまって
Ima mo hikatte ima da hikatte shimatte...
Now, it’s still shining, it still shining on...
~~
this song really, like アロイ said, really portrays how we feel towards the hosts. the song is perfect.. talks perfectly about our feelings, and the mountains that i'll miss. every part of this song reminds me of the time i spent with yuka.. of the time with the takeshimas...
because of this song, and because of the memories that started flooding back to me, i cried. yes, in the middle of class. i just sat there and started crying. i couldn't take it. its been barely 2 months since i met yuka, and like the song said, its time to say goodbye. looking at the photographs made me realise how much i really missed them, missed the times i spent with them. and because of that, i cried. i cried for yuka, for okaasan, for otoosan, and of course, i cried for him. everything piled up moment by moment, and each moment i cried, more memories came back.
i ended up flipping through the report i had written, to be submitted as part of my proposal. all the more, the words that i had written, somehow affected me more than ever. we never wanted to leave... i had written... we would probably never see them again... i had said. each word true, each word meant so little now.
but each word threw a bomb on me. and i teared more than ever. the memories of kanazawa, of yuka, were all deeply implanted in me, that till today, i still dream of her. i dream of kanazawa, ishikawa, even nomi, where yuka lives. i dream of all these, because i treasure those memories.
and because of that, i cried. i cried for almost half an hour before i could stop. but even when i stopped, i still couldn't forget about it. the feelings had reappeared.
it was worse when i had gone to the Isetan at Shaw, which showed me everything, once again, that yuka had shown me. the Sanma, the Soba. each one bringing back memories. even the dango that we shared, i thought of yuka.
i miss them so much... and i feel stupid crying only now. the day i left i had held back my tears, but now it seemed like the right thing to do.
takeshima family - oniisan, + me. =)
yuka and me at kenrokuen.
its these memories that pull me further, but also these memories that leave me behind. yuka, takeshima family, thank you for taking care of me all these while. all those days. i know you must have spent a lot on me. thank you so much. i cannot repay your kindness...
Oct 28, 2007
the planning all paid off.. it was all worth it... but now my worry is nothing of that sort.
what should i do now? its a mingling of worry and of hope. should i tell him? i know the answer is no different whether i tell him or not... but if i do, there's only two ways... we have no option of friendship... we have no option of remaining friends.
because i cannot think that all that was a game, all that was nothing more than anything. and because of that... we were to either remain as friends, if i were to keep my secret... or if i chose to tell.. nothing... or everything.
it hurts knowing i might never see him again, and knowing that i will probably never get to see him again hurts. tomorrow marks the start of e-learning week. and because of that, i might not see him at all this week.
sad, really. but nothing i can do but miss him more as the days go by.
what should i do now? its a mingling of worry and of hope. should i tell him? i know the answer is no different whether i tell him or not... but if i do, there's only two ways... we have no option of friendship... we have no option of remaining friends.
because i cannot think that all that was a game, all that was nothing more than anything. and because of that... we were to either remain as friends, if i were to keep my secret... or if i chose to tell.. nothing... or everything.
it hurts knowing i might never see him again, and knowing that i will probably never get to see him again hurts. tomorrow marks the start of e-learning week. and because of that, i might not see him at all this week.
sad, really. but nothing i can do but miss him more as the days go by.
Oct 27, 2007
haii its been 2 days. no news for 2 days. its worrying and yet at the same time, its testing my limits. i find myself finding the reason stupid.. why do i care so much? why do i bother? but the truth is that i do... because if i don't tonight, tomorrow i wont either...
its sad because i miss that feeling.. its stupid.. but i do. i dont care if nothing comes out of it.. but i need it now. i need him more than ever. アロイ has told me, indirectly, that the answer he has might not be the answer i want. but if thats not the answer i want, will i be okay, knowing everything was just a game? will i be okay, and be able to continue like that, knowing nothing would come out of it? ... the honest answer.. i think i will be.
its stupid. but its true. ive fallen too hard, ive fallen too fast. head over heels, and hell over heaven.
its sad because i miss that feeling.. its stupid.. but i do. i dont care if nothing comes out of it.. but i need it now. i need him more than ever. アロイ has told me, indirectly, that the answer he has might not be the answer i want. but if thats not the answer i want, will i be okay, knowing everything was just a game? will i be okay, and be able to continue like that, knowing nothing would come out of it? ... the honest answer.. i think i will be.
its stupid. but its true. ive fallen too hard, ive fallen too fast. head over heels, and hell over heaven.
Oct 25, 2007
where is he? where is the one? i've seen him a few times recently, i've seen him every now and then.. bumped into him here and there.. but yet... i need to know one very important question... does all these mean anything? everything that happened... does it mean anything? does anyone know? is there anyone that can give me the answer that i need??? any clues???
Oct 24, 2007
u know... its true that you really dont realise things that you've lost, until they're wrenched away from your grasp.
i still remember back in year 1, when i was embarking on miyazaki... serlyn, janice and i would always make fun of her. because of her theory of "must stick together" and "as a team"... we would make it so that everything was "as a team". at that time i hated her, because i thought the trip was all about freedom and being able to roam around on your own.
now thinking back, i think i'll really miss her. she's been the teacher i've looked for for almost 2 years now, the one who i will look towards for information and guidance. and although i've probably stepped on her toes many times, i now know she means well.
SPSEC wont be the same without her... its her leadership and her guidance, as well as patience that has brought us this far. It was with her assistance and help that we were able to survive this long as well.
now looking back, i understand why she wanted us to stick together as a team. and in a sense, we did. the miyazaki team, till now, is still closely bonded.. and although we havent met, we still keep in contact.
i'll miss going to SAA and sitting in her office... knowing that she has less than a few days left in SAA breaks my heart. i never thought i'd see the day that she would leave SAA, or that she would leave our club behind. i guess it was predicted the moment she left SP BP mentoring... but still it is a blow to us.
everything seems to have changed this year.. for me at least. new principal, new teacher in charge. they've really dragged everything out from under my feet and thrown it against us.
we'll miss her loads... its almost impossible to think of SPSEC without the handling of our "Dr Lim" as said by アロイ。 but at least, she'll still be in school..
mrs lim... i'll miss sitting in your office and chatting with you about random club stuff.. you were a great delegation leader during the miyazaki trip, and a great leader during my positions in SPSEC. it's a loss we'll have to bear with. i'm just glad that i got to meet her first hand, and that i knew her.
i still remember back in year 1, when i was embarking on miyazaki... serlyn, janice and i would always make fun of her. because of her theory of "must stick together" and "as a team"... we would make it so that everything was "as a team". at that time i hated her, because i thought the trip was all about freedom and being able to roam around on your own.
now thinking back, i think i'll really miss her. she's been the teacher i've looked for for almost 2 years now, the one who i will look towards for information and guidance. and although i've probably stepped on her toes many times, i now know she means well.
SPSEC wont be the same without her... its her leadership and her guidance, as well as patience that has brought us this far. It was with her assistance and help that we were able to survive this long as well.
now looking back, i understand why she wanted us to stick together as a team. and in a sense, we did. the miyazaki team, till now, is still closely bonded.. and although we havent met, we still keep in contact.
i'll miss going to SAA and sitting in her office... knowing that she has less than a few days left in SAA breaks my heart. i never thought i'd see the day that she would leave SAA, or that she would leave our club behind. i guess it was predicted the moment she left SP BP mentoring... but still it is a blow to us.
everything seems to have changed this year.. for me at least. new principal, new teacher in charge. they've really dragged everything out from under my feet and thrown it against us.
we'll miss her loads... its almost impossible to think of SPSEC without the handling of our "Dr Lim" as said by アロイ。 but at least, she'll still be in school..
mrs lim... i'll miss sitting in your office and chatting with you about random club stuff.. you were a great delegation leader during the miyazaki trip, and a great leader during my positions in SPSEC. it's a loss we'll have to bear with. i'm just glad that i got to meet her first hand, and that i knew her.
its funny, because i thought id be losing feeling by now... that i would have given up and moved on. but what's happening now is that ive given up everything else... and still havent moved on. because its become that he is the one thing i cant give up. now it had become that i had given up everything BUT that one thing...
yeah so we havent known each other too long, but still... its there somewhere. haiii.. its stupid really, but its a stupid kind of worth it. even to know its never going to happen... waiting is just enough for me.
i guess you can say im sad because of internship.. because once i leave the school, im taking all my memories with me. i wont get to see him anymore, nor will i get to see any of the rest. i hope that we still manage to continue holding outings ... i dont want to miss any of them too much.
its stupid. i should be on the way home. and yet im still here.
something's obviously wrong with me.
yeah so we havent known each other too long, but still... its there somewhere. haiii.. its stupid really, but its a stupid kind of worth it. even to know its never going to happen... waiting is just enough for me.
i guess you can say im sad because of internship.. because once i leave the school, im taking all my memories with me. i wont get to see him anymore, nor will i get to see any of the rest. i hope that we still manage to continue holding outings ... i dont want to miss any of them too much.
its stupid. i should be on the way home. and yet im still here.
something's obviously wrong with me.
was bored and upset... so i decided to do the one thing i knew would cheer me up. i ended up surfing KTC's school website, and came across this: their calender. it took me some time to translate...
on the 2nd of September... マイルプログラム (which is pronounced, mairupuroguramu)... it took me like 5 minutes to realise that i was actually translating MILE PROGRAMME... hahaha.
and below that... on the 8th of September... loosely translated is 4th Year Internship Presentation or smth... thats the thing that almost everyone had to come back to school for on that saturday... with the exception of me, siusiu and aloy.
although it really seems so long ago, but it still is a wonderful memory.. one i promise i wont forget..
マイルプログラム 最高！ i hope yuka gets better...
Oct 23, 2007
in a few days time, it'll all be worth it. in a few days time it'll all make sense.
i hope.
everything seems to have suddenly sped up, and it feels like a speedboat losing control. it's funny, because ive started to get used to the slow, never ending pace. but suddenly, someone steps on the pedal, and pushes it forward. it's exhilarating...
hope i get my answer soon~
i hope.
everything seems to have suddenly sped up, and it feels like a speedboat losing control. it's funny, because ive started to get used to the slow, never ending pace. but suddenly, someone steps on the pedal, and pushes it forward. it's exhilarating...
hope i get my answer soon~
funny... suddenly these days i feel so elated... even for something that happened yesterday night... i still feel the aftereffects... the happy feeling is still there... i know its quite stupid, because although im not thinking too much, i dont want to think too much, i cant help but be happy. each day becomes like a countdown to me... because once my internship starts, im afraid of what will happen.. =(
so should i hope? should i want it to go faster? or should i not even think about it, and let nature take its course? i dont even know why im thinking so much...
ive been confiding a lot in weiting recently... i think its because she understands... and because of other reasons. its just easier to talk to her because she listens and because she knows.. ^-^ thanks weiting!
*yeah i know progress.. =p hope for more progress, ne?*
so should i hope? should i want it to go faster? or should i not even think about it, and let nature take its course? i dont even know why im thinking so much...
ive been confiding a lot in weiting recently... i think its because she understands... and because of other reasons. its just easier to talk to her because she listens and because she knows.. ^-^ thanks weiting!
*yeah i know progress.. =p hope for more progress, ne?*
you all would have heard by now, but i still thought i would post it now...
DUMBLEDORE IS GAY! apparently its not a phrase, its a fact... =X i cant imagine dumbledore gay... and yet... i guess him being gay makes no difference to the story: he was a great wizard, and a very wise one at that.
i guess indirectly you can say its got something to do with phy's Code 377A... its like this open statement that goes to show it doesnt matter whether they are or not.
claps for rowling... even after the end of the story, its really true.. harry potter never will end.. at least not for us..
DUMBLEDORE IS GAY! apparently its not a phrase, its a fact... =X i cant imagine dumbledore gay... and yet... i guess him being gay makes no difference to the story: he was a great wizard, and a very wise one at that.
i guess indirectly you can say its got something to do with phy's Code 377A... its like this open statement that goes to show it doesnt matter whether they are or not.
claps for rowling... even after the end of the story, its really true.. harry potter never will end.. at least not for us..
Oct 22, 2007
recently even the smallest things are making me the happiest person on earth. i cant divulge much, but the feeling, that elated feeling, is really becoming a common obsession.
will be meeting my new principal this thursday... probably marks the most important event ever for me as the President of the Student Exchange Club. However, meeting him in MILE already sort of makes this meeting a little redundant, unless he cant remember me, of course.
recently everything's going crazy: i dont know how to hang on. one more week... hoping for more progress. everyone's been telling me how it's a good thing all these are happening. that its considered progress. (thanks weiting. himitsu, ne?) but still i wish to not be too "happy" about things.. one step at a time is perfectly okay for me. ^^
now on to planning bigger and more amazing things.. and after that.. more planning.
*sorry to the girls, who have to see me being EMO all the time.. who have to hear my emo-ness at its peak. but you girls understand, only certain people can bring me out of that emo mood into an elated happiness.*
im willing to give up everything. i have given up more or less everything. but is the end result worth it?
will be meeting my new principal this thursday... probably marks the most important event ever for me as the President of the Student Exchange Club. However, meeting him in MILE already sort of makes this meeting a little redundant, unless he cant remember me, of course.
recently everything's going crazy: i dont know how to hang on. one more week... hoping for more progress. everyone's been telling me how it's a good thing all these are happening. that its considered progress. (thanks weiting. himitsu, ne?) but still i wish to not be too "happy" about things.. one step at a time is perfectly okay for me. ^^
now on to planning bigger and more amazing things.. and after that.. more planning.
*sorry to the girls, who have to see me being EMO all the time.. who have to hear my emo-ness at its peak. but you girls understand, only certain people can bring me out of that emo mood into an elated happiness.*
im willing to give up everything. i have given up more or less everything. but is the end result worth it?
Oct 19, 2007
i guess you can say my fuse is lengthening. yes i find things i cannot bear to become more obvious, but i can no longer stand the times where i had to hold it in, pretending that everything was alright. it's like i'm suddenly holding a magnifying glass, that suddenly i can see everything around me clearly. i used to think there were things i needed, things i had to hold on to. but now i realised: i didnt have to.
i dont have anyone to answer to.
i dont have anyone to listen to.
all i have is myself, and the friends i consider close to, those i can talk to. i used to think that those i could talk to were those that had a physical contact with me, those who met me everyday. but now i realised: its the other way around. maybe because i see them too often, that i find they're always on the back end, always able to see me, and yet i have nothing else to say to them.
i guess its ironic because of different reasons... maybe internship will do some good after all.. maybe through internship we can forget everything, and i can let go of what's happening to the class. maybe i can just classmates behind, and take things as they go. take my club, take my feelings, and cherish whatever i have. throw away what i dont need.
i think maybe ive gotten used to being alone: ive found an independence that i never used to have. and now that ive found it, am i pushing everyone else away? am i pushing my class friends away? or does my club friends really mean more to me?
i honestly dont know. i cant give the answer in my heart. blogging has already lost its purpose: i can no longer give away my feelings like that. it's just to make me more confused than ever before.
i think everyone's feeling it: the hostility, the pain and the suffering everyone is going through. even now... when i look back.. i dont see much.
i dont have anyone to answer to.
i dont have anyone to listen to.
all i have is myself, and the friends i consider close to, those i can talk to. i used to think that those i could talk to were those that had a physical contact with me, those who met me everyday. but now i realised: its the other way around. maybe because i see them too often, that i find they're always on the back end, always able to see me, and yet i have nothing else to say to them.
i guess its ironic because of different reasons... maybe internship will do some good after all.. maybe through internship we can forget everything, and i can let go of what's happening to the class. maybe i can just classmates behind, and take things as they go. take my club, take my feelings, and cherish whatever i have. throw away what i dont need.
i think maybe ive gotten used to being alone: ive found an independence that i never used to have. and now that ive found it, am i pushing everyone else away? am i pushing my class friends away? or does my club friends really mean more to me?
i honestly dont know. i cant give the answer in my heart. blogging has already lost its purpose: i can no longer give away my feelings like that. it's just to make me more confused than ever before.
i think everyone's feeling it: the hostility, the pain and the suffering everyone is going through. even now... when i look back.. i dont see much.
あああ。。。
金沢！！！石川～ 能美！！！ ゆか！ れな！ える！ おかあさん！おとおさん！
むかい せんせい！ じゅじ せんせい！ おはら せんせい！ おみ せんせい！ みんな！
i miss all the people i've met there, all the memories we've shared. the neoprint now means even more to me than it ever did before: of how much fun we've enhjoyed there, how much beauty we've seen, the friends we've made.. i'll miss the times we've spent in kanazawa...
and here i'm making a solemn promise... 1 year from now.. 1 year. i will go back.
ぜったい に かなざわ へ かえります。
the relationship is never over. it lasts even longer than anything else.
this will be what i remember SP as: the chances that they gave me, the opportunities given to me. the friends i've managed to make through all these.. it all makes it worthwhile..
thank you.
Oct 17, 2007
Oct 15, 2007
im pissed. freaking pissed now. ok so i dont consider them friends anymore, but still its pissing to know so many things inside me, and yet i cant say anything about it. i dont want to mention it, because there's too many things to be said. so i cant care less.
too many things have happened, which im one by one getting rid of. one by one i'm becoming more and more upfront, telling things as it is to the people who need to know. ive come to realise one thing: if your friends cannot stand the truth, and expect you to feel the hatred, hiding for them and lying for them, and when you admit the truth, they turn on you, then they're not really friends after all. ive planned to do what im going to do, and one step at a time, i will eliminate my enemies. i dont need enemies in my presence.
what started off as a fine day now has become no more than any other day. i dont care: these trival things should not, and no longer will, make me feel any better, nor will it make me feel worse. they will just be a part of life, and a part of my life. it is no longer the purpose of mine to make friends, no longer my purpose to make friends i dont need. my true friends are the ones i can trust, the ones i can trust my life to, to know they have my back.
and after defining that, ive come to a concensus... i dont need people who i have to lie and disturb and think to myself for. i want a true friend, even if its just one, rather than a few whom i have to control myself with.
too many things have happened, which im one by one getting rid of. one by one i'm becoming more and more upfront, telling things as it is to the people who need to know. ive come to realise one thing: if your friends cannot stand the truth, and expect you to feel the hatred, hiding for them and lying for them, and when you admit the truth, they turn on you, then they're not really friends after all. ive planned to do what im going to do, and one step at a time, i will eliminate my enemies. i dont need enemies in my presence.
what started off as a fine day now has become no more than any other day. i dont care: these trival things should not, and no longer will, make me feel any better, nor will it make me feel worse. they will just be a part of life, and a part of my life. it is no longer the purpose of mine to make friends, no longer my purpose to make friends i dont need. my true friends are the ones i can trust, the ones i can trust my life to, to know they have my back.
and after defining that, ive come to a concensus... i dont need people who i have to lie and disturb and think to myself for. i want a true friend, even if its just one, rather than a few whom i have to control myself with.
ok firstly, this is a stupid day. but this time its my fault.
i was getting out of the house.. nothing wrong at that point in time.. ^^
then i met xiuzhi at what i thought was at the... ehh.. california fitness. i was crossing the road across at the junction (at cine), when it started raining. imagine this: i was listening to sorafune (airship). the MV looks like this:
IT RAINED AS BADLY AS THAT!!! OMG I WAS DRENCHED FROM HEAD TO TOE!!!
nevermind, only after i reached there i realised that... oh my god... i was in the wrong place. i had to walk back to taka! OMG! i ended up taking an advice from xiuzhi, and took an MRT from somerset back to orchard.. yayyyyyy.. =) still wet (and damn cold), xiu and i started discussion after a short lunch. i managed to meet her BF... hahaha didnt look anything like i expected him too xD
anyway, after that, we went for the fashion show!!! pretty pretty fashion show! it was quite interesting.. but a little short!!!! but still, the first fashion show, so quite amazing nonetheless.. I EVEN MANAGED TO SEE SOME JAPANESE!!! =D
after that, we went to have lunch, and spent some time talking about redundant information such as... well... stupid stuff. xD hahahaha. i must remember all the stupid stuff we said.
xD FUNNY!!!
i was getting out of the house.. nothing wrong at that point in time.. ^^
then i met xiuzhi at what i thought was at the... ehh.. california fitness. i was crossing the road across at the junction (at cine), when it started raining. imagine this: i was listening to sorafune (airship). the MV looks like this:
IT RAINED AS BADLY AS THAT!!! OMG I WAS DRENCHED FROM HEAD TO TOE!!!
nevermind, only after i reached there i realised that... oh my god... i was in the wrong place. i had to walk back to taka! OMG! i ended up taking an advice from xiuzhi, and took an MRT from somerset back to orchard.. yayyyyyy.. =) still wet (and damn cold), xiu and i started discussion after a short lunch. i managed to meet her BF... hahaha didnt look anything like i expected him too xD
anyway, after that, we went for the fashion show!!! pretty pretty fashion show! it was quite interesting.. but a little short!!!! but still, the first fashion show, so quite amazing nonetheless.. I EVEN MANAGED TO SEE SOME JAPANESE!!! =D
after that, we went to have lunch, and spent some time talking about redundant information such as... well... stupid stuff. xD hahahaha. i must remember all the stupid stuff we said.
xD FUNNY!!!
Oct 14, 2007
yes today i met kristy.. just came home slightly before 12am... hahaha. talking to her felt great: havent seen her in so long! hahahaha. we talked about personal stuff, funny stuff, and even did some stupid stuff. xD hahahahha. talked about a lot of stupid stuff, thought back to when we were in secondary school... all the friends we've met, and lost (by lost i mean not meeting them again)... then thought back to our lovely trio... she, me and jodi. we were three peas in a pod. so to speak.
but firstly, today i consider it an unlucky day. when i was going to j8 to meet her, i got "ambused" by this big guy. how to explain it in simple terms: i was getting off the bus. suddenly this big guy attacks me from nowhere, slamming his hand right at my neck. i don't think it was an accident, because after i stared at him, he continued to glare at me. i dont think i did anything that could offend him, nor do i think i SAID anything to offend him (being i never said anything). maybe he mistook me for his worst enemy or something... what could i do? weighing my options, he was too big for me to attack back (and obviously i didnt intend to attack back), and his size intimidated me a little (ok a lot), so i did the only wise (keeping myself alive) thing, walking off faster! thank goodness i managed to lose him once i entered j8.
it hurts, even now. feels all swollen and red. =( and im quite upset about it. get whacked out of nowhere.. =( haiiiiiiiiiiiii...
~~
anyway, talking to kris made a lot of things go into perspective. in a sense, she gave me the side that no one else gave me. i understand that, being that she has been the longest friend i ever had, she knows me the best. and similarly, i managed to give her some advice on her situation..
~~
meeting the girls tomorrow... better get some sleep xD
but firstly, today i consider it an unlucky day. when i was going to j8 to meet her, i got "ambused" by this big guy. how to explain it in simple terms: i was getting off the bus. suddenly this big guy attacks me from nowhere, slamming his hand right at my neck. i don't think it was an accident, because after i stared at him, he continued to glare at me. i dont think i did anything that could offend him, nor do i think i SAID anything to offend him (being i never said anything). maybe he mistook me for his worst enemy or something... what could i do? weighing my options, he was too big for me to attack back (and obviously i didnt intend to attack back), and his size intimidated me a little (ok a lot), so i did the only wise (keeping myself alive) thing, walking off faster! thank goodness i managed to lose him once i entered j8.
it hurts, even now. feels all swollen and red. =( and im quite upset about it. get whacked out of nowhere.. =( haiiiiiiiiiiiii...
~~
anyway, talking to kris made a lot of things go into perspective. in a sense, she gave me the side that no one else gave me. i understand that, being that she has been the longest friend i ever had, she knows me the best. and similarly, i managed to give her some advice on her situation..
~~
meeting the girls tomorrow... better get some sleep xD
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