recently even the smallest things are making me the happiest person on earth. i cant divulge much, but the feeling, that elated feeling, is really becoming a common obsession.

will be meeting my new principal this thursday... probably marks the most important event ever for me as the President of the Student Exchange Club. However, meeting him in MILE already sort of makes this meeting a little redundant, unless he cant remember me, of course.

recently everything's going crazy: i dont know how to hang on. one more week... hoping for more progress. everyone's been telling me how it's a good thing all these are happening. that its considered progress. (thanks weiting. himitsu, ne?) but still i wish to not be too "happy" about things.. one step at a time is perfectly okay for me. ^^

now on to planning bigger and more amazing things.. and after that.. more planning.


*sorry to the girls, who have to see me being EMO all the time.. who have to hear my emo-ness at its peak. but you girls understand, only certain people can bring me out of that emo mood into an elated happiness.*

im willing to give up everything. i have given up more or less everything. but is the end result worth it?

i guess you can say my fuse is lengthening. yes i find things i cannot bear to become more obvious, but i can no longer stand the times where i had to hold it in, pretending that everything was alright. it's like i'm suddenly holding a magnifying glass, that suddenly i can see everything around me clearly. i used to think there were things i needed, things i had to hold on to. but now i realised: i didnt have to.

i dont have anyone to answer to.

i dont have anyone to listen to.

all i have is myself, and the friends i consider close to, those i can talk to. i used to think that those i could talk to were those that had a physical contact with me, those who met me everyday. but now i realised: its the other way around. maybe because i see them too often, that i find they're always on the back end, always able to see me, and yet i have nothing else to say to them.

i guess its ironic because of different reasons... maybe internship will do some good after all.. maybe through internship we can forget everything, and i can let go of what's happening to the class. maybe i can just classmates behind, and take things as they go. take my club, take my feelings, and cherish whatever i have. throw away what i dont need.

i think maybe ive gotten used to being alone: ive found an independence that i never used to have. and now that ive found it, am i pushing everyone else away? am i pushing my class friends away? or does my club friends really mean more to me?

i honestly dont know. i cant give the answer in my heart. blogging has already lost its purpose: i can no longer give away my feelings like that. it's just to make me more confused than ever before.

i think everyone's feeling it: the hostility, the pain and the suffering everyone is going through. even now... when i look back.. i dont see much.

im pissed. freaking pissed now. ok so i dont consider them friends anymore, but still its pissing to know so many things inside me, and yet i cant say anything about it. i dont want to mention it, because there's too many things to be said. so i cant care less.

too many things have happened, which im one by one getting rid of. one by one i'm becoming more and more upfront, telling things as it is to the people who need to know. ive come to realise one thing: if your friends cannot stand the truth, and expect you to feel the hatred, hiding for them and lying for them, and when you admit the truth, they turn on you, then they're not really friends after all. ive planned to do what im going to do, and one step at a time, i will eliminate my enemies. i dont need enemies in my presence.

what started off as a fine day now has become no more than any other day. i dont care: these trival things should not, and no longer will, make me feel any better, nor will it make me feel worse. they will just be a part of life, and a part of my life. it is no longer the purpose of mine to make friends, no longer my purpose to make friends i dont need. my true friends are the ones i can trust, the ones i can trust my life to, to know they have my back.

and after defining that, ive come to a concensus... i dont need people who i have to lie and disturb and think to myself for. i want a true friend, even if its just one, rather than a few whom i have to control myself with.

くるしい 。。。 わたし の こころ 。。。 がっこう へ みんあ いつも 。。。 わたし に わすれた。。。 でも。。。 ともだち が ある。 ひりゅ くん と てずか くん と 。。。 みんあ。。。 ありがとう。。。 くらす わ。。。 ともだち が ありません。。

わたし ひどい だから。。。 でも。。。 こじま の 「 そんなの関係ねえ　」 て。。。 good excuse...

ありがとう。。 ほんと の ともだち 。。。 ほんと に。。。 ありがとう です。

あたま が いたい です。。。

its stupid... stupid stupid... really dumb. because i feel sick. i think its emotional sickness. after talking to the girls, ive decided to take their advice, which is to wait it out. keep the same distance, and if it doesnt work out, forget it.

im being too emo. must revert back to my happy self. i guess tomorrow if i can draw some time out i'd talk to the girls about it when i see them. i need to get everything out. something's still stuck in my head... and i cant get it out of my head.

but whatever's inside, its making me sick... literally a sick feeling in my esophagus... i cant breathe properly, i cant eat properly. its worse than falling out of love. its almost a feeling as though im dying.

after talking it out with 2/3 of the girls, i feel slightly better. though not less confused, but at least i feel better after knowing i can look towards others for advice, and not keep it to myself.


hai. back to talking to the idiot xD

i have some things i needed to think about. after writing this i'll go away. i need somewhere i can think. i need somewhere where i can be myself, and figure this out. until then, im not coming home. until then, i have nowhere to go.

i need somewhere where i can cry.

i need somewhere where i can be myself.

i need somewhere, or someone, that i can talk to.



i hate myself for who i've become. and because of that, i will always hate myself.

if i cant find the answer, maybe there's only one way out for me.



and if that's the case, then...


goodbye.





im too confused. i hate myself. i hate me.