its stupid... stupid stupid... really dumb. because i feel sick. i think its emotional sickness. after talking to the girls, ive decided to take their advice, which is to wait it out. keep the same distance, and if it doesnt work out, forget it.

im being too emo. must revert back to my happy self. i guess tomorrow if i can draw some time out i'd talk to the girls about it when i see them. i need to get everything out. something's still stuck in my head... and i cant get it out of my head.

but whatever's inside, its making me sick... literally a sick feeling in my esophagus... i cant breathe properly, i cant eat properly. its worse than falling out of love. its almost a feeling as though im dying.

i have some things i needed to think about. after writing this i'll go away. i need somewhere i can think. i need somewhere where i can be myself, and figure this out. until then, im not coming home. until then, i have nowhere to go.

i need somewhere where i can cry.

i need somewhere where i can be myself.

i need somewhere, or someone, that i can talk to.



i hate myself for who i've become. and because of that, i will always hate myself.

if i cant find the answer, maybe there's only one way out for me.



and if that's the case, then...


goodbye.





im too confused. i hate myself. i hate me.

i havent blogged in quite a long time... my blog suddenly feels superficial to me. i cant even write what i want to write. those who know, you'll understand why. there's no way i can ever write this out in words.

its turning my heart to mush... not in a good way. its not the melting kind of mush. its the destructive kind of mush. not good. definitely not good.

after knowing i cant write that out here, i realise i have nothing else to say. those thoughts have kept me occupied most of the time.

HOWEVER...

i celebrated my birthday with my parents today. we went to this little shop called "The Ship". ate some western food, and then i opened my present. i didnt want to, but my parents made me. they're more interested in opening it than i am.. hmmm.. =p

its cosmetics. the big box is... sorta fake. inside not so big. =p but its cute either way. i can put more things inside. xD hahaha.

im meeting the girls on tuesday. i rather they plan than i did. xD hahahahaha.

feel stupid, blogging, but cant get the main feeling out of my mind. =(

thank you girls for trying to help. both of you have asked me many times. i'll explain on tuesday, promise. i feel maybe its time i tell you girls. maybe you can help me.

im just being stupid. dumb, i know. but i cant help it.