i guess you can say my fuse is lengthening. yes i find things i cannot bear to become more obvious, but i can no longer stand the times where i had to hold it in, pretending that everything was alright. it's like i'm suddenly holding a magnifying glass, that suddenly i can see everything around me clearly. i used to think there were things i needed, things i had to hold on to. but now i realised: i didnt have to.
i dont have anyone to answer to.
i dont have anyone to listen to.
all i have is myself, and the friends i consider close to, those i can talk to. i used to think that those i could talk to were those that had a physical contact with me, those who met me everyday. but now i realised: its the other way around. maybe because i see them too often, that i find they're always on the back end, always able to see me, and yet i have nothing else to say to them.
i guess its ironic because of different reasons... maybe internship will do some good after all.. maybe through internship we can forget everything, and i can let go of what's happening to the class. maybe i can just classmates behind, and take things as they go. take my club, take my feelings, and cherish whatever i have. throw away what i dont need.
i think maybe ive gotten used to being alone: ive found an independence that i never used to have. and now that ive found it, am i pushing everyone else away? am i pushing my class friends away? or does my club friends really mean more to me?
i honestly dont know. i cant give the answer in my heart. blogging has already lost its purpose: i can no longer give away my feelings like that. it's just to make me more confused than ever before.
i think everyone's feeling it: the hostility, the pain and the suffering everyone is going through. even now... when i look back.. i dont see much.
Showing posts with label anger management. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger management. Show all posts
Oct 19, 2007
Oct 17, 2007
Oct 15, 2007
im pissed. freaking pissed now. ok so i dont consider them friends anymore, but still its pissing to know so many things inside me, and yet i cant say anything about it. i dont want to mention it, because there's too many things to be said. so i cant care less.
too many things have happened, which im one by one getting rid of. one by one i'm becoming more and more upfront, telling things as it is to the people who need to know. ive come to realise one thing: if your friends cannot stand the truth, and expect you to feel the hatred, hiding for them and lying for them, and when you admit the truth, they turn on you, then they're not really friends after all. ive planned to do what im going to do, and one step at a time, i will eliminate my enemies. i dont need enemies in my presence.
what started off as a fine day now has become no more than any other day. i dont care: these trival things should not, and no longer will, make me feel any better, nor will it make me feel worse. they will just be a part of life, and a part of my life. it is no longer the purpose of mine to make friends, no longer my purpose to make friends i dont need. my true friends are the ones i can trust, the ones i can trust my life to, to know they have my back.
and after defining that, ive come to a concensus... i dont need people who i have to lie and disturb and think to myself for. i want a true friend, even if its just one, rather than a few whom i have to control myself with.
too many things have happened, which im one by one getting rid of. one by one i'm becoming more and more upfront, telling things as it is to the people who need to know. ive come to realise one thing: if your friends cannot stand the truth, and expect you to feel the hatred, hiding for them and lying for them, and when you admit the truth, they turn on you, then they're not really friends after all. ive planned to do what im going to do, and one step at a time, i will eliminate my enemies. i dont need enemies in my presence.
what started off as a fine day now has become no more than any other day. i dont care: these trival things should not, and no longer will, make me feel any better, nor will it make me feel worse. they will just be a part of life, and a part of my life. it is no longer the purpose of mine to make friends, no longer my purpose to make friends i dont need. my true friends are the ones i can trust, the ones i can trust my life to, to know they have my back.
and after defining that, ive come to a concensus... i dont need people who i have to lie and disturb and think to myself for. i want a true friend, even if its just one, rather than a few whom i have to control myself with.
Oct 12, 2007
haiii. dunno whether to feel happy or not. sometimes im on top of the moon: quite happy and satisfied with whatever it is going on. then suddenly, like a roller coaster, it plunges to the depths of hell.
something is really wrong with me. or maybe something is wrong with something else. it just pisses me off at some point to know certain things, things that i cannot live with, but i have no choice to. wl has given me some advice when it comes to that field, and ive realised that he's right: there's nothing wrong with taking back what's rightfully mine.
i mentioned earlier that i will not stand for friends who talk about someone without knowing them, or badmouth someone without understanding, or even meeting them. im one who will stand up for my friends, and i feel that if someone badmouths my friend, i will stand up for that friend. its just like if someone says something bad about you, you can expect me to stand up for you.
HOWEVER
i would find that reasons for reasons, if they dont make sense, and you mistaking or openly suggesting something that doesnt make sense will never make me feel better. when i do something, i go all out for it. i consider all the possibilities, and i weigh the pros and cons. and my final decision, if i really go ahead with it, it means that ive made up my mind. it means that i already know what i plan to do, and that i'll sacrifice anything to do it. that way, threats like "if you do this, i wont be friends with you anymore" which sound so passe and childish, are already considered: the moment i execute my plan, it already means that i no longer consider you a friend, or someone that i think is worth saving.
a lot of things have been going through my mind lately, and i find the missing of my hikari a big setback. suddenly it reminds me of what i mentioned during "NCT"... technology has become so much a way of life than we can never expect to keep up with it. we've taken it for granted, and one day it will destroy us.
Reading the Machine Stops has made everything into perspective, and made me realise that if this goes on, in the future, it will happen exactly as the machine predicted it would. after reading that, im a little afraid of technology, of how it would destroy our lives, taking over it completely. it is a story worth reading, and worth thinking about: what if... in time to come, the world really became that essentially? the story revolves around Kuno and Vashti. kuno is the mind of man, who can think independently, whereas Vashti is the majority, simply following technology, or The Machine. in that time, there are no more houses: everyone lived underground. video conference is used to speak, technology pumps air into our houses, pumps food into our systems. they ran everything, leaving man to become a lazy homo sapien as the years grew by. simply put, at that time, the Machine had become religion, they had worshipped it for everything it was, but they were blinded by what they were missing. "let your thoughts be second hand, or if possible, tenth hand". the machine even did the thinking for them.
its sort of like what's going on now... really puts things into perspective. how technology will continue to evolve and progress, leaving man behind. Ultimately, we are the ones that have created it, but we are the ones that are destroying ourselves.
The end of the story? The honeycomb crashes, and man dies.
PORTION OF THE STORY!
'We have come back to our own. We die, but we have recaptured life, as it was in Wessex, when Ælfrid overthrew the Danes. We know what they know outside, they who dwelt in the cloud that is the colour of a pearl.'
'But Kuno, is it true? Are there still men on the surface of the earth? Is this - tunnel, this poisoned darkness - really not the end?'
He replied: 'I have seen them, spoken to them, loved them. They are hiding in the midst and the ferns until our civilization stops. Today they are the Homeless - tomorrow----- '
'Oh, tomorrow - some fool will start the Machine again, tomorrow.'
'Never,' said Kuno, 'never. Humanity has learnt its lesson.'
As he spoke, the whole city was broken like a honeycomb. An air-ship had sailed in through the vomitory into a ruined wharf. It crashed downwards, exploding as it went, rending gallery after gallery with its wings of steel. For a moment they saw the nations of the dead, and, before they joined them, scraps of the untainted sky.
interesting, isnt it?
something is really wrong with me. or maybe something is wrong with something else. it just pisses me off at some point to know certain things, things that i cannot live with, but i have no choice to. wl has given me some advice when it comes to that field, and ive realised that he's right: there's nothing wrong with taking back what's rightfully mine.
i mentioned earlier that i will not stand for friends who talk about someone without knowing them, or badmouth someone without understanding, or even meeting them. im one who will stand up for my friends, and i feel that if someone badmouths my friend, i will stand up for that friend. its just like if someone says something bad about you, you can expect me to stand up for you.
HOWEVER
i would find that reasons for reasons, if they dont make sense, and you mistaking or openly suggesting something that doesnt make sense will never make me feel better. when i do something, i go all out for it. i consider all the possibilities, and i weigh the pros and cons. and my final decision, if i really go ahead with it, it means that ive made up my mind. it means that i already know what i plan to do, and that i'll sacrifice anything to do it. that way, threats like "if you do this, i wont be friends with you anymore" which sound so passe and childish, are already considered: the moment i execute my plan, it already means that i no longer consider you a friend, or someone that i think is worth saving.
a lot of things have been going through my mind lately, and i find the missing of my hikari a big setback. suddenly it reminds me of what i mentioned during "NCT"... technology has become so much a way of life than we can never expect to keep up with it. we've taken it for granted, and one day it will destroy us.
Reading the Machine Stops has made everything into perspective, and made me realise that if this goes on, in the future, it will happen exactly as the machine predicted it would. after reading that, im a little afraid of technology, of how it would destroy our lives, taking over it completely. it is a story worth reading, and worth thinking about: what if... in time to come, the world really became that essentially? the story revolves around Kuno and Vashti. kuno is the mind of man, who can think independently, whereas Vashti is the majority, simply following technology, or The Machine. in that time, there are no more houses: everyone lived underground. video conference is used to speak, technology pumps air into our houses, pumps food into our systems. they ran everything, leaving man to become a lazy homo sapien as the years grew by. simply put, at that time, the Machine had become religion, they had worshipped it for everything it was, but they were blinded by what they were missing. "let your thoughts be second hand, or if possible, tenth hand". the machine even did the thinking for them.
its sort of like what's going on now... really puts things into perspective. how technology will continue to evolve and progress, leaving man behind. Ultimately, we are the ones that have created it, but we are the ones that are destroying ourselves.
The end of the story? The honeycomb crashes, and man dies.
PORTION OF THE STORY!
'We have come back to our own. We die, but we have recaptured life, as it was in Wessex, when Ælfrid overthrew the Danes. We know what they know outside, they who dwelt in the cloud that is the colour of a pearl.'
'But Kuno, is it true? Are there still men on the surface of the earth? Is this - tunnel, this poisoned darkness - really not the end?'
He replied: 'I have seen them, spoken to them, loved them. They are hiding in the midst and the ferns until our civilization stops. Today they are the Homeless - tomorrow----- '
'Oh, tomorrow - some fool will start the Machine again, tomorrow.'
'Never,' said Kuno, 'never. Humanity has learnt its lesson.'
As he spoke, the whole city was broken like a honeycomb. An air-ship had sailed in through the vomitory into a ruined wharf. It crashed downwards, exploding as it went, rending gallery after gallery with its wings of steel. For a moment they saw the nations of the dead, and, before they joined them, scraps of the untainted sky.
interesting, isnt it?
Sep 28, 2007
i dont know but recently ive felt like a tornado of feelings. everything happens for a reason, and i guess the result is that i have to bear this alone.
i cant tell anyone: there's no one i can trust with this secret, not anymore. i dont want to be known as a **** or as a *****, or any other word that you can think of, and i know that if i told anyone, ANYONE how i feel right now, those words will haunt me. i just cant bear to let anyone know about it.
there's no one i can confide in. for once when i pick up the phone, or look at my MSN, i dont see anyone that i felt i can confide in... the only one i thought i could, the one i felt i would most probably call, i cant. because it concerns him, because its about him.
ive lost feeling for everything, suddenly i dont want anything anymore. not another relationship, not another feeling. all i want is for all these to disappear. for all these things to leave me alone.
for the past few days ive spent some time talking to aloysius, and ive understood a few things: certain things about fate and life that i cannot avoid.
for a while now ive known when my life will end, where it will and how it will. but knowing how it happens will not make it any easier. homo-sapiens work that way: they want answers to everything.
after talking to him ive understood, that everything happens for a reason, and there's no such thing as controlling my own destiny. actually there is, but controlling it will only give you the same result anyway.. it's not going to make a difference. in a sense we're all lab rats, being tested each step of the way. our death, will ultimately test the final test, and it will be our death that means the most to us. it is in death that we accomplish everything. just like how rats and bunnies have to die so that we could live in the scientifics that they have answered for us.
talking to アロイ also made me realise a few things about life, and even if it doesnt make sense, its the only answer i have, and i'll live with it. it sucks, knowing that everything ive done, everything ive tried to defy what i knew was going to happen, is in fact making it happen that way. its shit, but that's the way it works.
for a long time now ive seen my future, ive seen what im going to become, what my life will be about. i dont know how i'll get there, but i know its true. it gives me satisfaction, at least knowing that i will live (and die) for a purpose i find worth it.
everything that's happening now is falling into place... the final frontier is inevitable.
all this shit is happening to me for a very good reason, and i understand that. i just wish, that im not supposed to bear this secret alone, that i could tell someone with that someone listening to me purely, not telling me what to do or what can be done to salvage the situation.
i dont want to save anything. i dont want to rectify anything. i know its my fault but i dont feel i did anything wrong. its my fault im in this stupid situation in the first place, that i know. but im not going to change it just because i feel it would make me feel better. because i know it wont.
i just want to know how im feeling. i just need to let it out.
im supposed to be the happiest girl in my life around now.
1) i just came back from japan
2) had the time of my life there
3) my birthday is coming
4) i have friends who would stand by me
5) i have the freedom i wanted
but why is it that im not happy? no i dont feel like its because i made the wrong choice: rather i felt that i made my choices too late. im still adjusting. i know it'll take time, and that i will live through it.
but this feeling is making me turn into an empty void of feelings, so much so that ive lost the feeling for everything else.
suddenly i dont know what to live for anymore.
でも。。。 わたし の 夢 だから。。。
i wont give up my dream
even if i know its not going to work out in the end...
even if the dream is no longer mine.
im sorry... im sorry to the three ive made promises to. i promised all three of you i wont do the same one thing, and i honestly thought i was going to keep it. forgive me. i promised the three of you, but all three of you are now in my past, all three of you broke me into the tiny pieces im in now.
im sorry for what ive done to myself.
i cant tell anyone: there's no one i can trust with this secret, not anymore. i dont want to be known as a **** or as a *****, or any other word that you can think of, and i know that if i told anyone, ANYONE how i feel right now, those words will haunt me. i just cant bear to let anyone know about it.
there's no one i can confide in. for once when i pick up the phone, or look at my MSN, i dont see anyone that i felt i can confide in... the only one i thought i could, the one i felt i would most probably call, i cant. because it concerns him, because its about him.
ive lost feeling for everything, suddenly i dont want anything anymore. not another relationship, not another feeling. all i want is for all these to disappear. for all these things to leave me alone.
for the past few days ive spent some time talking to aloysius, and ive understood a few things: certain things about fate and life that i cannot avoid.
for a while now ive known when my life will end, where it will and how it will. but knowing how it happens will not make it any easier. homo-sapiens work that way: they want answers to everything.
after talking to him ive understood, that everything happens for a reason, and there's no such thing as controlling my own destiny. actually there is, but controlling it will only give you the same result anyway.. it's not going to make a difference. in a sense we're all lab rats, being tested each step of the way. our death, will ultimately test the final test, and it will be our death that means the most to us. it is in death that we accomplish everything. just like how rats and bunnies have to die so that we could live in the scientifics that they have answered for us.
talking to アロイ also made me realise a few things about life, and even if it doesnt make sense, its the only answer i have, and i'll live with it. it sucks, knowing that everything ive done, everything ive tried to defy what i knew was going to happen, is in fact making it happen that way. its shit, but that's the way it works.
for a long time now ive seen my future, ive seen what im going to become, what my life will be about. i dont know how i'll get there, but i know its true. it gives me satisfaction, at least knowing that i will live (and die) for a purpose i find worth it.
everything that's happening now is falling into place... the final frontier is inevitable.
all this shit is happening to me for a very good reason, and i understand that. i just wish, that im not supposed to bear this secret alone, that i could tell someone with that someone listening to me purely, not telling me what to do or what can be done to salvage the situation.
i dont want to save anything. i dont want to rectify anything. i know its my fault but i dont feel i did anything wrong. its my fault im in this stupid situation in the first place, that i know. but im not going to change it just because i feel it would make me feel better. because i know it wont.
i just want to know how im feeling. i just need to let it out.
im supposed to be the happiest girl in my life around now.
1) i just came back from japan
2) had the time of my life there
3) my birthday is coming
4) i have friends who would stand by me
5) i have the freedom i wanted
but why is it that im not happy? no i dont feel like its because i made the wrong choice: rather i felt that i made my choices too late. im still adjusting. i know it'll take time, and that i will live through it.
but this feeling is making me turn into an empty void of feelings, so much so that ive lost the feeling for everything else.
suddenly i dont know what to live for anymore.
でも。。。 わたし の 夢 だから。。。
i wont give up my dream
even if i know its not going to work out in the end...
even if the dream is no longer mine.
im sorry... im sorry to the three ive made promises to. i promised all three of you i wont do the same one thing, and i honestly thought i was going to keep it. forgive me. i promised the three of you, but all three of you are now in my past, all three of you broke me into the tiny pieces im in now.
im sorry for what ive done to myself.
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