haiii. dunno whether to feel happy or not. sometimes im on top of the moon: quite happy and satisfied with whatever it is going on. then suddenly, like a roller coaster, it plunges to the depths of hell.

something is really wrong with me. or maybe something is wrong with something else. it just pisses me off at some point to know certain things, things that i cannot live with, but i have no choice to. wl has given me some advice when it comes to that field, and ive realised that he's right: there's nothing wrong with taking back what's rightfully mine.

i mentioned earlier that i will not stand for friends who talk about someone without knowing them, or badmouth someone without understanding, or even meeting them. im one who will stand up for my friends, and i feel that if someone badmouths my friend, i will stand up for that friend. its just like if someone says something bad about you, you can expect me to stand up for you.

HOWEVER

i would find that reasons for reasons, if they dont make sense, and you mistaking or openly suggesting something that doesnt make sense will never make me feel better. when i do something, i go all out for it. i consider all the possibilities, and i weigh the pros and cons. and my final decision, if i really go ahead with it, it means that ive made up my mind. it means that i already know what i plan to do, and that i'll sacrifice anything to do it. that way, threats like "if you do this, i wont be friends with you anymore" which sound so passe and childish, are already considered: the moment i execute my plan, it already means that i no longer consider you a friend, or someone that i think is worth saving.


a lot of things have been going through my mind lately, and i find the missing of my hikari a big setback. suddenly it reminds me of what i mentioned during "NCT"... technology has become so much a way of life than we can never expect to keep up with it. we've taken it for granted, and one day it will destroy us.

Reading the Machine Stops has made everything into perspective, and made me realise that if this goes on, in the future, it will happen exactly as the machine predicted it would. after reading that, im a little afraid of technology, of how it would destroy our lives, taking over it completely. it is a story worth reading, and worth thinking about: what if... in time to come, the world really became that essentially? the story revolves around Kuno and Vashti. kuno is the mind of man, who can think independently, whereas Vashti is the majority, simply following technology, or The Machine. in that time, there are no more houses: everyone lived underground. video conference is used to speak, technology pumps air into our houses, pumps food into our systems. they ran everything, leaving man to become a lazy homo sapien as the years grew by. simply put, at that time, the Machine had become religion, they had worshipped it for everything it was, but they were blinded by what they were missing. "let your thoughts be second hand, or if possible, tenth hand". the machine even did the thinking for them.

its sort of like what's going on now... really puts things into perspective. how technology will continue to evolve and progress, leaving man behind. Ultimately, we are the ones that have created it, but we are the ones that are destroying ourselves.

The end of the story? The honeycomb crashes, and man dies.

PORTION OF THE STORY!

'We have come back to our own. We die, but we have recaptured life, as it was in Wessex, when Ælfrid overthrew the Danes. We know what they know outside, they who dwelt in the cloud that is the colour of a pearl.'

'But Kuno, is it true? Are there still men on the surface of the earth? Is this - tunnel, this poisoned darkness - really not the end?'

He replied: 'I have seen them, spoken to them, loved them. They are hiding in the midst and the ferns until our civilization stops. Today they are the Homeless - tomorrow----- '

'Oh, tomorrow - some fool will start the Machine again, tomorrow.'

'Never,' said Kuno, 'never. Humanity has learnt its lesson.'

As he spoke, the whole city was broken like a honeycomb. An air-ship had sailed in through the vomitory into a ruined wharf. It crashed downwards, exploding as it went, rending gallery after gallery with its wings of steel. For a moment they saw the nations of the dead, and, before they joined them, scraps of the untainted sky.

interesting, isnt it?

it seemed so long ago, and yet i can never forget them. it seemed almost like a dream. one month ago exactly.. i was at yuka's house. we were up on the mountain. even looking at the pictures, wondering about so many things, made everything else insignificant. ever since i came back, i never stopped thinking about her, about how she was at this point in time. one month ago today, i would be in yuka's car, driving to karaoke with hikaru and haruka. really seems like a dream how fast time flew. seems inevitable that i have to go back, whether alone or not.

hard to imagine that the first day i met yuka... i was so speechless for words. i had met her before in singapore, but i didnt say much then. i knew what i wanted to say, what i learnt in singapore, but the moment i met her, all the words escaped from my mouth. my japanese just didnt seem good enough suddenly. it was a thrill and an unforgettable experience to be with yuka, around her and her family. i'll never forget 19th MILE. even through all the problems and the chaos, and all the people i've stabbed in the back. all the people i hated when i was there.. who i'd consider nothing but acquaintences... who i'd never understand why they were there.. i knew that it was meant to be. the point of going over was not to make friends with singaporeans. yes, i feel i did make friends while i was there... i got to know people like aloysius and ruth and joseph better... i got the opportunity to meet weilong and weiting.. both of whom i consider good friends, and best of all.. i got the blessed opportunity to meet yuka.

i write this now, knowing fully well i'll never forget this experience, knowing even if i never get to see her again, she'll always be there. those 14 days seemed to have flown by like an arrow, and here i am back in singapore, though my mind and my heart wishes i was back in japan. i wish i could have kept on living those 14 days over and over again... there with my friends and my family, where i didnt have a worry.

suddenly everything else in life seemed insignificant... as i remembered the times back in kanazawa. i had left with happy memories, i hadn't cried, i refused to tear. ok i teared 1 or 2 tears. kanazawa will now forever be a part of me. i hope i left enough behind for them to remember me by... at least until i go back again.

yuka... until then, until we meet again...

it hurts, being so far away from them, away from the family i called home for 10 days. each day i dream, i miss them more than ever.