im pretending not to feel anything. i will be strong. because i got a bigger, much larger choice to make

BLAHBLAHBLAH

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

*heaves a big SIGH!*

my eye is twitching.. maybe this means something...

thank u~

for the first time in my life i'm okay with being left out. :) because i know i have great friends, and at least i know the ones that care about me are true about it. no need to think about who's using me, about who's lying to me and about who's trying to get me to be better to them. i know my friends love me for who i am and thats all i care about.

yea sure sometimes im very annoyed at the lack of TACT that people show... at how they brag about things when clearly knowing you werent even invited. and CONTINUING to do so. but i realised.. what difference does it make? i'll never belong. and its just a job.

but at least i know my real friends.. my true friends... will never leave my side. no matter what. they've been through hell and back with me. and they've supported and been by my side no matter what ive gone through with or without them. So to my real friends, i say thank you. :) because only you will still read my blog after so many months of disappearing. :P

ranting time.

its getting unbearable. you know about those stories where someone always outshines you, always get chosen before you in games? even if you were better (not best per se) but still he/she gets chosen because they're prettier/hotter/sexier or smarter. for awhile you try to bear it, constantly telling yourself that perseverence is key. you remind yourself thats why you came here, to learn about the real world, to be trodden on and to learn to dig your way out of it.

but each step each word each movement becomes a blow to the stomach. ive suffered through many kinds of pain, physically mentally emotionally. but only this makes me feel like im in secondary school all over again. i remember how hard i used to try. in secondary school i fought to become vice president of a club, just to get some sort of recognition. i had only 1 friend, a good friend but 1 nonetheless. i craved attention. in poly i changed everything. i never fought for anything, but yet i still got the name i wanted. i went on to represent the school in overseas trips, but each step i made i found myself fighting for the leading position, not because i wanted it, but because someone was trying to push me up there. maybe they felt i was best for the position and id like to think so, id like to think i made a difference. but all that had changed i no longer craved attention or wanting to be needed.

now, i dont know how im supposed to feel. i feel torn between two halves of me. part of me doesnt want me to care, and yet the other part wants me to. i dont know. im stuck, and i feel a little of my old self resurfacing.

ok so yea im back here. not sure if its temporary or permanent yet. but i have a few issues to write about that i dont feel comfortable writing in their blogs.

firstly, phyphy.

Your list of questions.
Am I a person that is difficult to like? Am I likable at all?
You are not a persion difficult to like. But you are not a person easy to get to know well: its not easy to get into your inner circle, to understand the real person altogether. You are likeable, but hard to break through the initial stages of friendship to get to know the person inside.

Am I one of those people whom you either love or loathe?
No, because i dont feel i love or loathe you. To me you're one of those people thats easily approachable, good to talk to, though sometimes can be abit high-strong and stubborn.

Am I irritating?
No. Except when we're doing project. Like i said, you're very stubborn, and when you dont get your way you tend to fight for it. it's not a bad thing it could be seen as goal-oriented. but maybe its just because im more sensitive to not wanna hurt someone else's feelings so i dont try to dissuade you. and i could name 5 ppl that are way more irritating :P

Is it hard to befriend me?
Like i said earlier, its hard to befriend you. but at the same time, once that step has been made, you're a very loyal and trustworthy friend. totally worth the effort.

If you do like me, what do you like about me?
i like your kookiness, how you can be serious and studious and crazy about projects and stuff, but yet still be able to have a whole load of fun. you're stubborn but yet you allow others to have their say (and even if you dont agree you at least listen to it). oh yes i love your glompz too! (aya this question too many more things to write im lazy alrdy :( )


Now, about myself.

I dont know why, but recently ive grown more irritable towards many things. ive stopped telling people things unless i have to. dont worry about it its not because i dont like you anymore, or because i hate talking to you. its just sometimes i hate answering the same questions over and over again. for example: telling you ive changed job usually adheres questions such as: where, why how much and a constant "hows work there?" or "do you like it there?" kinda thing. i wish to avoid it so whenever ppl ask me those questions i just pretend i never see.

i find myself changing, somewhat as though im watching myself change. i dont care so much about family anymore, nor do i have time to think about it. its not that i dont have time, or as most ppl would say "My priorities are wrong". its not that. lets get this straight. I DONT WANT TO. im ok with my sis, im ok with my cousins, but im not ok with my parents. and its getting worse.

digressing..

:) IM DONE!

cant wait for whats happening on 9th! (secret will update again when it happens!)

im getting truly sick of this. i dont know how to describe my parents anymore. i dont know what ive become and why my temper has changed so drastically i feel that my parents nolonger understand me. ok understand is the wrong word to use: they're my parents and a part of them will always subconsciously understand me. maybe our method of communication just isnt right. my mum's constant tantrums and whines make me want to talk to her less and less as each day goes past, and her constant snide remarks about certain things i do come off the wrong way. instead ofthinking "oh i should try to do this since my mum is not happy about it" i think of it in the sense that, she has noguts/whatever to come to me and tell me, and intsead she's venting on people about me, KNOWING that it'll affect me because she knows i can hear. this incident has gone on for a v long time. when i was in poly and my pc broke down because the plug fuse burnt, i threw a tantrum because my group was counting on me and needed me to finish the project by that night. and what happens when i dont? I FAIL. and who gets scolded? ME. yes. either way its my fault. but instead of helping me she goes to a friend to borrow a plug for me. borrowing is fine. i thank her for that. but she did not have to tell her friend that i was crying hysterically because of such a small thing. and when i collected the plug her friend laughed at me, thinking that the incident refered to my younger sister. i was so pissed that day its never left my mind.

other incidents usually revolve around money. first it was becuase i had no job. now i have a job and i rarely ask them for money, except when im really broke (usually if i have 0 cash id just not eat for the day, and only ask if its been more than 1-2 weeks and i cant take it anymore). and instead of my parents trying to help, they keep asking me when im going to pay for the installment of my pc (NOTE: I HAVE NOT DELAYED IN PAYING THE CURRENT MONTH'S DEPOSIT). fine, communication breakdown, acceptable. but while they know i have no money to pay off the deposit, does anyone consider WHERE THE HELL I GET THE MONEY TO EAT? NO.....

den i agreed to go to work. its so hard to work and study im having constant breakdowns and have to stop myself from just crying in the office. instead all they ask me is when is my next module, when is my exams. the only time i have to myself is when i can go online and play games to relax myself. and NO i cant even do that without them nagging at me.

now that im working as a temp staff APPARENTLY its not enough. im quite happy here, apart from certain quirks in the office i cant stand. i mean, i dont need to use my brain, i can concentrate on learning when school days come. but noooo, dad wants me to get a full time job because "this job has no future". im already at my breaking point ive taken two MIA disappearances and no one even notices that something is seriously wrong.

i can only talk to matt about all these things but recently ive tried not to disturb him with these because he's so caught up in office with his own things. i dont wanna be a burden, he has his own worries to worry about.

and all the more i dont get this: why is my sis allowed to stay out late. but when im like 1 minute late i get a snide comment about being late. i hate this. i seriously hate this. all i want to do now is be left alone. i can support myself, i can survive on my own. and all these things are making it more clear. my parents dont understand me at all. and explaining isnt going to work because all i'll get is explanations on how life is harder in the future. for once, i just want them to see me for A PERSON, and not their child. maybe then they would realise something's wrong.

white noise

one day i will record the white noise in my office. and then you can imagine the distractions here. right now even blasting music at full volume on my computer into my headphones isnt drowning out the white noise. SIGH.

sun/moon combi

phyphy did this for me.. sounds pretty accurate.

Sun in Libra/Moon in Cancer

The combination of your Libra Sun and Cancer Moon produces an idealist bent on finding romantic adventure. You are a deep feeling and understanding person. The emotional balance, courtesy and friendliness of Libra blends well with the depth of feeling, sensitivity and tenacity of Cancer.

There often may be some confusion in your life because what you think and what you "feel" may be at odds(very very true).

It's very difficult for you to decide what to do. Reality and unreality constantly battle for your attention. Very much the idealistic dreamer, you hold yourself somewhat removed from the rest of society (HAHAHA very very true. thusly the illuxionist XD. trying to come back to reality now).

Yet you do like people. You want and need human contact, and you are so consonant that there is some danger people with take advantage of your malleable manner (hmm. matt always says im naive and abit stupid and totally not street smart. so i guess this is true?).

You understand the feelings and moods of others, so you're very skilled at avoiding conflicts and clashes of temperament. (HMMM.. not sure about this. sometimes i feel i wanna get into fights with others just to vent abit of anger off)

This position personifies the ideals of any peace movement as you are a true lover of freedom, justice, equality, and independence (er.... freedom and independence maybe. not so much equality..).

By nature so peaceful and tactful, you will avoid argument and strife if you possibly can. (mmm last time it was true, now it depends on who rubs me the wrong way and severity of it)

You are exceedingly adaptable, taking on the color of your surroundings. You mind your own business and don't impose on the rights of others. You aren't likely to become a fighter for social justice or the rights of the masses because you are not a very assertive person. (definitely agree with the not assertive and not likely to become a fighter. im too lazy.)

Your philosophies are pretty much centered in yourself, a live and let live attitude. Refined tastes and a strong aesthetic sense encourage interest in the artistic things in life. (hmmmmmmmmmmmm... this... i guess is true. not so sure about the "strong aesthetic sense")

can someone gimme an opinion whether this sounds like me? i think it does...

this about sums up how i feel now.

take a breath
take it deep
"calm yourself," he says to me.
"if you play, you play for keeps
take the gun, and count to 3."

im sweating now
moving slow
no time to think
my turn to go

and you can see my heart, beating
you can see it through my chest
that im terrified but im not leaving
i know that i must pass this test
so just pull the trigger

say a prayer
to yourself
he says close your eyes
sometimes it helps
and then i get a scary thought
that he's here, means he's never lost

and you can see my heart beating
you can see it through my chest
that i'm terrified but im not leaving
i know that i must pass this test
so just pull the trigger

as my life flashes before my eyes
im wondering will i ever see another sunrise
so many wont get the chance to say goodbye
but its too late to think of the value of my life.

and you can see my heart beating
you can see it through my chest
that i'm terrified but im not leaving
i know that i must pass this test
so just pull the trigger

goodbye all, TEMPORARILY.

ive finally decided to go on my hiatus. so in case anyone tries to contact me, if you read this: i dont hate you.

The reason why ive decided to go on hiatus is because im beginning to feel that everything is piled on me, and perhaps im taking on too much for me. But being me, i hate to say no and i want to try to help in anyway i can. But i'm starting to feel that everyone is pressuring me into doing something that i feel im holding a major of the weight on.

School work, friends, even at home, i feel like i cant rest at any point without being told that im supposed to be doing something else. so yeah. im going on hiatus. i will not reply SMSes, i will not log on MSN, i will not answer any calls. please dont spam my phone or i'd have to resort to blocking incoming calls until im ready. however, yes i am aware that i still have commitments to carry out.

im holding a lot of things on my own, too much perhaps for me. i wake up with headaches that i cant fight. i cant sleep and i feel like im always on the brink of tears. no matter what songs im listening to (and i blast them at full volume to avoid white noise in the office), im one step away from crying. its not about my relationships or my life anymore. i feel like im one step from breaking down and giving up.

i feel more and more like i want nothing more than to lie in bed and rot and be myself. to let go of all my work-related commitments but we all know i cant do that. i just hate that even when i go online for like 5secs, before i even get a chance to see who's online, i get offline/online messages asking me if ive done whatever it is im supposed to do.

you may say im running away, you may say im hiding from reality. truth is i dont care. if i dont run now, i will really break down.

so please, if you read this. let me go on my hiatus. i'll be back in a month or so. promise.