ranting time.

its getting unbearable. you know about those stories where someone always outshines you, always get chosen before you in games? even if you were better (not best per se) but still he/she gets chosen because they're prettier/hotter/sexier or smarter. for awhile you try to bear it, constantly telling yourself that perseverence is key. you remind yourself thats why you came here, to learn about the real world, to be trodden on and to learn to dig your way out of it.

but each step each word each movement becomes a blow to the stomach. ive suffered through many kinds of pain, physically mentally emotionally. but only this makes me feel like im in secondary school all over again. i remember how hard i used to try. in secondary school i fought to become vice president of a club, just to get some sort of recognition. i had only 1 friend, a good friend but 1 nonetheless. i craved attention. in poly i changed everything. i never fought for anything, but yet i still got the name i wanted. i went on to represent the school in overseas trips, but each step i made i found myself fighting for the leading position, not because i wanted it, but because someone was trying to push me up there. maybe they felt i was best for the position and id like to think so, id like to think i made a difference. but all that had changed i no longer craved attention or wanting to be needed.

now, i dont know how im supposed to feel. i feel torn between two halves of me. part of me doesnt want me to care, and yet the other part wants me to. i dont know. im stuck, and i feel a little of my old self resurfacing.