there are two paths in front of you. the first is a lit path, but at the end you see a future you dont want. the second is a dark path, you cant see anything ahead of you. you dont know if its scarier, or not.
which path would you choose to take? most people would advice you to take the lit path, because you know whats in store: at least you know its safe. would you? or would you risk it on a second path, not knowing what career lies ahead of you, or whether they'll be an end at all?
or will you jsut choose to stand at the fork of that road, until one day a decision will be made for you?
in life we're always given decisions like these. neither seem to be the right answer, yet you still have to pick one. for me, i dont know if ive chosen, or whether im still staying on the forked path, where it seems safest.
maybe one day i will decide.
Apr 26, 2009
Apr 19, 2009
im back again.
for once i find myself at a loss. words can no longer describe what im feeling. i guess one thing that hit me in my comment box was the word "hide". i wouldnt say that im hiding, but the fear is adequately accepting that as an answer.
ive come to question myself about a lot of things. what with being 21, i guess its time to think about life as a whole. and after thinking through it all, ive come to the conclusion that i dont think this year is going to be any better than anything. age, is just a number after all.
ive heard about friends who think they won't make it past june, ive known of people who, knowing they may not survive past a certain period of time that seems to be drawing so much closer every day, and yet they smile and laugh like nothing can burst their bubble.
and yet on the other hand, here i am. not sure what to do, not sure what's ahead. not even sure if i can accept my future when it comes along. there's a lot in my future that's pretty uncertain. and there are parts of it, that if it comes true, are unacceptable.
strange, i can seem to solve or guess problems amongst my friends. i just cant solve my own.
for once i find myself at a loss. words can no longer describe what im feeling. i guess one thing that hit me in my comment box was the word "hide". i wouldnt say that im hiding, but the fear is adequately accepting that as an answer.
ive come to question myself about a lot of things. what with being 21, i guess its time to think about life as a whole. and after thinking through it all, ive come to the conclusion that i dont think this year is going to be any better than anything. age, is just a number after all.
ive heard about friends who think they won't make it past june, ive known of people who, knowing they may not survive past a certain period of time that seems to be drawing so much closer every day, and yet they smile and laugh like nothing can burst their bubble.
and yet on the other hand, here i am. not sure what to do, not sure what's ahead. not even sure if i can accept my future when it comes along. there's a lot in my future that's pretty uncertain. and there are parts of it, that if it comes true, are unacceptable.
strange, i can seem to solve or guess problems amongst my friends. i just cant solve my own.
Apr 15, 2009
well. its been a long time since i wrote something here. its been a long time since i felt the desire to write anything, or talk about anything. rest assured i'm okay. still alive, all body parts intact.
a lot has happened this past month. ups, and downs. ive missed out on a lot of things i deeply regret, but its too late now. i guess you can say ive been MIAing from almost everything. almost no one has seen me in the past month. ive stopped reading blogs, stopped blogging in general. dont ask me why, i dont know.
since the last post, i havent actually read the comments on my own blog. i havent read any blogs so i dont know whats going on with everyone, but i hope everyone's okay.
a lot has happened, ranging from me losing my handphone, to applying for uni, finding a job, quarrelling with the folks. time seems to have gone by and im staying still. to be honest i dont know if i want to move along with time.
i cant say i miss seeing you girls, because ive always been the one MIAing. ive always been the one skipping out on outings and skipping out on almost everything. i hope everyone's going on fine.
i guess my main reason for posting this is just to assure you guys im okay.
a lot has happened this past month. ups, and downs. ive missed out on a lot of things i deeply regret, but its too late now. i guess you can say ive been MIAing from almost everything. almost no one has seen me in the past month. ive stopped reading blogs, stopped blogging in general. dont ask me why, i dont know.
since the last post, i havent actually read the comments on my own blog. i havent read any blogs so i dont know whats going on with everyone, but i hope everyone's okay.
a lot has happened, ranging from me losing my handphone, to applying for uni, finding a job, quarrelling with the folks. time seems to have gone by and im staying still. to be honest i dont know if i want to move along with time.
i cant say i miss seeing you girls, because ive always been the one MIAing. ive always been the one skipping out on outings and skipping out on almost everything. i hope everyone's going on fine.
i guess my main reason for posting this is just to assure you guys im okay.
Feb 5, 2009
To everyone:
I’ve got something to confess. I’ve been acting like a jerk to all of you. I’ve told all of you stories about Matt that weren’t real. I’ve lied about certain things to different people. I manipulated with your feelings and told all of you one-sided stories just to make myself look good and to make him look like an ass.
Truth is, none of it is true. In the past when I told you Matt and I broke up, I twisted the story so badly that Matt became the jackass and I was the angel. That everything I did was right. That I was the one sacrificing to be with him, and that he did nothing for me. You may think I never said that, but it was implied.
Truth is, he’s given me more chances than I told you. Even time and again each time we broke up I begged him for another chance. I gave him empty promises about how I would change, about how I could be a better person. But behind his back, I backstabbed him, telling Shiyan and Calvin stories. I made him seem like he was the one at fault. That it was never me, and that I was the one giving him chances.
When Jaz and I got together, I neglected and ignored him. I threw him aside even though he was always a friend to me. My happiness meant more to me than his friendship. I was selfish and thought only about myself. But when Jaz and I broke up, he was the first one I looked for. And despite everything I’ve done towards him, he still helped me through it.
Even now, even today I haven’t learnt my lesson. I still continued lying to him and trying to cover up for those lies. I lied to all of you too. Sandy, Calvin, Shiyan: especially to you three. I told you once that I was raped but I really wasn’t. I was being a selfish brat trying to find attention.
Matt gave me many chances, and even though he did I never treasured it. I pretended to change because of him, because I didn’t want to lose him, but behind that I was always the same person. I’m a two-faced bitch, lying to everyone about everything.
I made Matt seem like the devil to all of you. I made all of you hate him and gang up against him, just so that I would feel good about myself.
I’m sorry to everyone. To all the lies I’ve told you. I’m sorry I’ve manipulated your feelings. I’m sorry I’ve used all of you. I’m sorry, especially to Matt, for tainting his image and turning him into something he’s not in everyone else’s eyes. I’m sorry Calvin and Shiyan, for making you believe me. For lying to all of you.
I'm truly, truly sorry.
Feb 3, 2009
im just back from the doctor's... let me first tell you what happened.
i was at a meeting with my boss and the rest, when suddenly this mirror dropped on my head. the mirror is a big mirror with a wooden frame, approximately those painting sized ones. it crashed right on the left side of my head.
everyone was stunned. they were all asking me if i was okay. everyone was worried. but i totally went numb... it hurt too badly for me to speak. at first i thought it was okay. i was pressing my hand to my head to numb the pain.
when i brought my hand away, there was blood all over my hands. a little blood started dripping down the side of my head. thats when i got worried. i started tearing a little, not because it hurt, but because i felt scared. head bleeding is never a good sign.
my boss sent me to the doctor. a general clinic below my house. she talked to me and told me funny stuff to make me feel better. then she just glue stitch to "repair" my head. she said there's a 1.5cm "split in my skull". i got stunned. i went "split in my WHAT~!?"
after that, now im back in the office. my head's throbbing a little, and it hurts quite a fair bit. my friends say i should go for an x-ray just to be sure. i'll see what my parents think.
still a little scared.
i was at a meeting with my boss and the rest, when suddenly this mirror dropped on my head. the mirror is a big mirror with a wooden frame, approximately those painting sized ones. it crashed right on the left side of my head.
everyone was stunned. they were all asking me if i was okay. everyone was worried. but i totally went numb... it hurt too badly for me to speak. at first i thought it was okay. i was pressing my hand to my head to numb the pain.
when i brought my hand away, there was blood all over my hands. a little blood started dripping down the side of my head. thats when i got worried. i started tearing a little, not because it hurt, but because i felt scared. head bleeding is never a good sign.
my boss sent me to the doctor. a general clinic below my house. she talked to me and told me funny stuff to make me feel better. then she just glue stitch to "repair" my head. she said there's a 1.5cm "split in my skull". i got stunned. i went "split in my WHAT~!?"
after that, now im back in the office. my head's throbbing a little, and it hurts quite a fair bit. my friends say i should go for an x-ray just to be sure. i'll see what my parents think.
still a little scared.
Jan 23, 2009
ive got my first pay. it's a total of... $1161. considering in holidays and weekends. literally wise i worked exactly 1 month. as in ive been sitting in this office for a FULL month. but realisitically speaking, because of leave and public holidays, ive actually been here for 1.5months. though some might say for 1.5 months 1161 is considered LITTLE. but den if u consider that ive only worked here 1 FULL month, and im supposed to be paid 1000 a month.. its a good deal for me =P
$_$
$_$
Jan 22, 2009
Jan 21, 2009
its strange how 3 words can make me happy for so long. even thinking about it now makes me tingly and happy inside.
i guess in a way because you dont expect it from someone like him, so when it does happen, it makes you feel good inside. it was really unexpected.. especially from him. it's those things you'll normally say (for some), that you'll feel there is no significance in it. but ive grown away from those things. until when suddenly something like that pops up, from him no less, you cant help but feel super happy.
and no for those who are wondering, those 3 words arent "i love you".
i guess in a way because you dont expect it from someone like him, so when it does happen, it makes you feel good inside. it was really unexpected.. especially from him. it's those things you'll normally say (for some), that you'll feel there is no significance in it. but ive grown away from those things. until when suddenly something like that pops up, from him no less, you cant help but feel super happy.
and no for those who are wondering, those 3 words arent "i love you".
Jan 20, 2009
strange, but the one comment written on my blog made me post this. yes strange.
ever heard of the saying you dont miss it until its gone? heard of uncertainties you'll never understand, secrets you can never bear to tell anyone.
afraid of what someone might see you as, afraid they'll treat you differently?
i thought i changed. maybe i did. i used to be worried about how others saw me that i failed to see who i was. but now im starting to wonder if a self-fulfilling prophecy is coming true. someone once told me he saw himself in me, a smaller younger version.
i wanted to believe it then. because he was my friend. but now truth be told im afraid of turning into him. because he hurt me more than almost anyone could. and although i dont cry for him, nor do i yearn for him anymore, i do not want to turn into whoever he is.
but there are symptoms i cannot deny. ive neglected my family. somewhat i've neglected a few of my friends. ive hidden things from the world. and now most importantly, i have no inclination to make anything right.
perhaps its just my feelings thats affecting me. maybe ive really changed. only time will tell. in a certain extent i like who i am. but in another direction, i hate it. i like it because i care less about what others think of me, that i can see who i am by myself.
if you really knew me, you'd know 3 things about me.
1. i never say no to a challenge.
2. i protect my friends.
3. i never give up.
all that, when i think about it now, is more or less a facade. maybe its because i do to others what i hope they'll one day do for me. i stay strong and i try to lead, only because i dont want to. if im considered leader quality, it was because i was made one. but deep down inside i'd prefer nothing more than to have someone steer the way for me.
to have someone tell me exactly what to do, and where to go.
ever heard of the saying you dont miss it until its gone? heard of uncertainties you'll never understand, secrets you can never bear to tell anyone.
afraid of what someone might see you as, afraid they'll treat you differently?
i thought i changed. maybe i did. i used to be worried about how others saw me that i failed to see who i was. but now im starting to wonder if a self-fulfilling prophecy is coming true. someone once told me he saw himself in me, a smaller younger version.
i wanted to believe it then. because he was my friend. but now truth be told im afraid of turning into him. because he hurt me more than almost anyone could. and although i dont cry for him, nor do i yearn for him anymore, i do not want to turn into whoever he is.
but there are symptoms i cannot deny. ive neglected my family. somewhat i've neglected a few of my friends. ive hidden things from the world. and now most importantly, i have no inclination to make anything right.
perhaps its just my feelings thats affecting me. maybe ive really changed. only time will tell. in a certain extent i like who i am. but in another direction, i hate it. i like it because i care less about what others think of me, that i can see who i am by myself.
if you really knew me, you'd know 3 things about me.
1. i never say no to a challenge.
2. i protect my friends.
3. i never give up.
all that, when i think about it now, is more or less a facade. maybe its because i do to others what i hope they'll one day do for me. i stay strong and i try to lead, only because i dont want to. if im considered leader quality, it was because i was made one. but deep down inside i'd prefer nothing more than to have someone steer the way for me.
to have someone tell me exactly what to do, and where to go.
Jan 14, 2009
a rose for a day that everyone says
a star for a moment to come
a heart for a memory that wont go away
a dream for the future yet to become
a hug for the friends far far away
a goodbye to those who have yet to go
a smile for the the ones who chose to stay
a kiss for the one who knows
something a friend wrote in her blog (Okay it was a comment) struck me as strange.
friendship seems to be a very interesting word. everyone has different groups of friends, some more some less.
in my life i guess you can say i have a.. considerable amount of friends.
xiu, phy, san - my poly friends who have stuck with me at the worst points of my life. who we've seen happy, sad, stressed, crazy and almost any other emotion. we've gotten backstabbed together, spread gossips among each other, and been there (at least i think we have) for each other.
i dont deny that at times we might have seemed like horrible friends. i remember in year 1 when we were arguing about groupmates. the whole phy+shen, me+jan thing. until now i feel really guilty that i didnt notice what we were doing to xiu subconsciously.
but im glad that after everything, our group dynamics changed so much. but maybe i prefer it this way. i didnt pick the wrong friends to make in poly :)
aloy, ruth, sophia, joy, joseph, windi, kaifon, szeyuan, bernice - at some point we all got thrashed together, panicked together, and it became amazing how we still survived it all. right now as im typing this you're having your AGM, and im really sorry i couldnt be there. but the club will go on. even if not physically. in spirit it's made a great impact on me. and i can only hope that i fulfilled my duties when i was still in the committee.
kristy - the longest friend i've ever had. since sec 1. (okay we didnt talk in sec 2 BUT HEY I KNEW SHE EXISTED!!!) she's really the only one i can say that knows everything about me. and although we dont meet often i know she'll always be there for me. we've gone through too much la.
terrance, jasper, vincent, rayyen, calvin, shiyan, kenneth - the only ones i feel i can share anything with. i'd say without a doubt that this year has been the worst year of my life (2008). but its in this year that i met all of them. one broke my heart, but 6 managed to mend it. even now it doesnt matter what the real reason is. i really dont care anymore. especially calvin and shiyan, who have been there since april, i owe you two a lot. its strange how we're so close YET in fact we've never met. strange how i feel like i already know you so well. vince and ray, you two surprisingly know me well enough. even though i say nothing, somehow you two can tell im hurt. somehow you knew what to say. and for that thank you. you pulled me through the ending half of the year.
Liting - this girl, somehow intrigues me. even though i only know her for such a short while, i chose to trust her. and i never regretted it.
and of course,
Matt - there's just too much to say. i guess i tried everything. i tried loving him, tried hating him. just to make myself better. NOTE: DIDNT WORK. there's just something about matt that no one else can seem to have. it's not a physical presence, or his way of speaking. something about him just makes me trust him. it's his character, something about him.
what's my path now? i dont know. writing this just reminds me how many friends i really have. and ive realised that i make friends based on 1 criteria. the The most important to me. Trust. it's not the physical trust that you know they wouldnt betray your secrets. its beyond that. its knowing that at anytime, you can trust them to stand by you. ive told many this, that despite how much anyone hurts me, how much my heart can ache, and although i fight with so many people on so many occasions, if anyone of the above call me for help, i'd go in a heartbeat. it doesnt matter where or when or even what. it doesnt matter if they were wrong. as long as they need my support, i'd be there. no questions asked. im the kind of person that tries my best to protect my friends, even if it hurts me its okay.
my mum used to ask me "who would protect you if you needed it?" i never gave her an answer. not because i dont expect anyone to do it for me. i dont want anyone to suffer on my account.
its strange how friendships can create such a strong bond that goes beyond explanation. and strangely, how they started out. all of them started out for stupid reasons.
xiu phy - wanted to run away frm meiling so we just kinda grouped ourselves to be away from her
san - ly's group politics
kristy - we were the only 2 from the same class that went into sec 3 together.
online friends needless to say, meet online as a reason is stupid enough haha.
but strangely, these group of friends made me feel at home. they made me feel like someone.
so to all my good friends out there, for those who have seen me at the worst possible moments, thank you. for always being there.
*and on a side note my mum says i dont have many friends. == looking at the list i'd say i dont have too many, but i have enough. and anyway, i'd rather 5 close friends i can look for, than 50 that i dont know who i can trust. to me, those aren't friends. they're just acquaintences.
Jan 13, 2009
Jan 9, 2009
Jan 6, 2009
oh yes as a side note, i watched a lot of movies the past week. here's my take on them.
7 pounds: not bad for a will smith show. unexpected ending, kinda touching. considerably quite worth watching.
lady cop and papa crook: ehh.. no comments about this one. plot's on an OKOK basis, but KIINNNDA lame.
transporter 3: very good. loved the show.
ponyo ponyo: song irritated me too much to actually watch the show. ==
bedtime stories: innovative, creative idea. but sadly not imposed well enough. nice theory, but lame storyline. if it was based on a more serious tone, it would have been better.
twilight: personally i loved twilight. maybe its the vampire thing that i have a soft spot for. so far i havent hated a vampy show. loved this show A LOT. really good plot, not bad actors. but i seriously loved the show. it gave me inspiration to finish my two stories, Angels and Blood Tears.
IP MAN: and no its not pronounced I.P. Man, and its not short for internet protocol man (though that'll be a cool title for a hacking movie). nice show. a little biased towards the japanese end, but accurate otherwise. loved it. a lot.
BOLT: cute show. bolt seriously cute. xiu u would LOVE bolt. 100%. plot's not too bad too. really funny.
and can u believe, i watched all these in 2 weeks with 1 person LOL. amazing isnt it. my favs so far were ipman and twilight. ^^
7 pounds: not bad for a will smith show. unexpected ending, kinda touching. considerably quite worth watching.
lady cop and papa crook: ehh.. no comments about this one. plot's on an OKOK basis, but KIINNNDA lame.
transporter 3: very good. loved the show.
ponyo ponyo: song irritated me too much to actually watch the show. ==
bedtime stories: innovative, creative idea. but sadly not imposed well enough. nice theory, but lame storyline. if it was based on a more serious tone, it would have been better.
twilight: personally i loved twilight. maybe its the vampire thing that i have a soft spot for. so far i havent hated a vampy show. loved this show A LOT. really good plot, not bad actors. but i seriously loved the show. it gave me inspiration to finish my two stories, Angels and Blood Tears.
IP MAN: and no its not pronounced I.P. Man, and its not short for internet protocol man (though that'll be a cool title for a hacking movie). nice show. a little biased towards the japanese end, but accurate otherwise. loved it. a lot.
BOLT: cute show. bolt seriously cute. xiu u would LOVE bolt. 100%. plot's not too bad too. really funny.
and can u believe, i watched all these in 2 weeks with 1 person LOL. amazing isnt it. my favs so far were ipman and twilight. ^^
okok IM BLOGGING! some stuff happened to me recently. i shant go into details but its really frustrating.
ok on 2nd thoughts i will go into detail.
ive been working for about 2 weeks, see. its quite hectic cos i have to write a lot of articles. especially since the editor himself isnt around, im rushing to write most of the februrary issue. and its quite a lot. and because im so engrossed in writing, i dont notice my phone. now is that unnatural? no.
but my parents tend to sms me, and upon not replying, they spam sms. example: my mum smsed me 5 times, the EXACT same message. and my dad msges me like this.
1. coming home for dinner?
2. coming home for dinner? (2nd sms)
and so on. it really pisses me off. like seriously. when im at home and not working they ask me to go out more, to spend more time on related things. now that im working they're complaining low pay, complaining that i dont reply sms. and recently ive been going out more often. yes i admit ive been coming home later den usual. but since im working and have no time to go out, isnt it at least justified that i stay out later when i can? apparently NOT.
NEVERMIND.
what got me really pissed off was a combination of all these things. im trying to be independent, to survive on my own, but they just wont let me. strangely enough i dont feel trapped, i dont feel like im stuck. maybe its meant to be this way. this tangle. or maybe my rebellious stage came late in my life.
i dont know.
im doing everything i can to make them happy, but they keep changing their minds. and they decide to pick on little things. like what i wear to work. when the company doesnt give a damn as long as im not going for any meetings.
look im turning 21 this year. i believe that's old enough.
~
away from the parent issue, work's been fine. cant go into detail, clauses and all that. but im getting used to the workload.
i miss being online. but for now its still okay. hanging out with good friends after work makes it justified.
though im tired, and really sick of all the shit im swimming in. its making me feel less and less again. but at least, it's during work. i dont have to feel anything.
~
there's so many things i want to say. but not now. not here.
ok on 2nd thoughts i will go into detail.
ive been working for about 2 weeks, see. its quite hectic cos i have to write a lot of articles. especially since the editor himself isnt around, im rushing to write most of the februrary issue. and its quite a lot. and because im so engrossed in writing, i dont notice my phone. now is that unnatural? no.
but my parents tend to sms me, and upon not replying, they spam sms. example: my mum smsed me 5 times, the EXACT same message. and my dad msges me like this.
1. coming home for dinner?
2. coming home for dinner? (2nd sms)
and so on. it really pisses me off. like seriously. when im at home and not working they ask me to go out more, to spend more time on related things. now that im working they're complaining low pay, complaining that i dont reply sms. and recently ive been going out more often. yes i admit ive been coming home later den usual. but since im working and have no time to go out, isnt it at least justified that i stay out later when i can? apparently NOT.
NEVERMIND.
what got me really pissed off was a combination of all these things. im trying to be independent, to survive on my own, but they just wont let me. strangely enough i dont feel trapped, i dont feel like im stuck. maybe its meant to be this way. this tangle. or maybe my rebellious stage came late in my life.
i dont know.
im doing everything i can to make them happy, but they keep changing their minds. and they decide to pick on little things. like what i wear to work. when the company doesnt give a damn as long as im not going for any meetings.
look im turning 21 this year. i believe that's old enough.
~
away from the parent issue, work's been fine. cant go into detail, clauses and all that. but im getting used to the workload.
i miss being online. but for now its still okay. hanging out with good friends after work makes it justified.
though im tired, and really sick of all the shit im swimming in. its making me feel less and less again. but at least, it's during work. i dont have to feel anything.
~
there's so many things i want to say. but not now. not here.
Dec 31, 2008
thanks to all who have spammed my blog. yeah new year NEW YEAR!
rather than resolutions, lets remember the good things about 2008
1. Xiu's baby birth! remember how panicky we all were.. phy and i even wanted to bring fruits down but her mum wouldnt let us!
2. Xiu's wedding. fretting over the gift, FORGETTING TO BRING THE GIFT (this was phy's xD)
3. graudation. our graduation was at least the four of us. the last school event we went to together. taking pictures of us in our gowns. loved that day.
4. internship. talking about all the stupid things we did during our internship, planning on our own futures.
5. san's bday. she was so shockd she din realise we meant to pay for her!
6. phy's bday. haha it was fun playing charades! *airport runway indeed...*
7. going over to see yuka. loved every moment of it in kanazawa.
8. meeting matt. turned out he was a good friend, even after everything we managed to stay friends. (if u ever read this matt, im sorry i quarrelled with you so often xD)
9. meeting great buddies like calvin, suyi and shiyan. great friends. im not one bit sorry i met you. though yeah i may never meet you haha.
10. meeting new friends. vince, ray, terrance, bibi, ginu (sorry ppl i dunno ur real name cannot blame poor hino), dave, jaz, ivan, and a lot more! in some ways they all helped. Love xXEmoXx. ^^
11. Dating Jaz and Matt. Ok persay i dont think i regretted any of it. even if yeah it hurts. or it hurt then. it doesnt hurt anymore. they made me a stronger person ^^
12. my sis and i kinda bonded this year. kinda. it was like proving that we both grew up. i think before this i kept thinking of her as my baby sis. OI RUIYI IF U READ THIS WE NEED TO GO OUT!!!! LA!!! I TREAT U DINNER WHEN I GET MY PAY!
13. alone times. funny enough i enjoyed my alone times.
14. ANCT. as much as i miss them, as much as it was tiring. i miss every one of them. god only knows how much i miss SP and SEC right now. ^^ dont give up guys~ FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!
there are a lot more i love about this year.. but right now i dont really remember all of them! thanks to my real life friends who were there for me when i called. thanks to my maple buds who stayed with me no matter how much of a jerk i was.
and most importantly thanks to my family, for always standing by me.
2008 is dedicated to all those memories of us. cherish it! and lets build new ones for 2009!!!
rather than resolutions, lets remember the good things about 2008
1. Xiu's baby birth! remember how panicky we all were.. phy and i even wanted to bring fruits down but her mum wouldnt let us!
2. Xiu's wedding. fretting over the gift, FORGETTING TO BRING THE GIFT (this was phy's xD)
3. graudation. our graduation was at least the four of us. the last school event we went to together. taking pictures of us in our gowns. loved that day.
4. internship. talking about all the stupid things we did during our internship, planning on our own futures.
5. san's bday. she was so shockd she din realise we meant to pay for her!
6. phy's bday. haha it was fun playing charades! *airport runway indeed...*
7. going over to see yuka. loved every moment of it in kanazawa.
8. meeting matt. turned out he was a good friend, even after everything we managed to stay friends. (if u ever read this matt, im sorry i quarrelled with you so often xD)
9. meeting great buddies like calvin, suyi and shiyan. great friends. im not one bit sorry i met you. though yeah i may never meet you haha.
10. meeting new friends. vince, ray, terrance, bibi, ginu (sorry ppl i dunno ur real name cannot blame poor hino), dave, jaz, ivan, and a lot more! in some ways they all helped. Love xXEmoXx. ^^
11. Dating Jaz and Matt. Ok persay i dont think i regretted any of it. even if yeah it hurts. or it hurt then. it doesnt hurt anymore. they made me a stronger person ^^
12. my sis and i kinda bonded this year. kinda. it was like proving that we both grew up. i think before this i kept thinking of her as my baby sis. OI RUIYI IF U READ THIS WE NEED TO GO OUT!!!! LA!!! I TREAT U DINNER WHEN I GET MY PAY!
13. alone times. funny enough i enjoyed my alone times.
14. ANCT. as much as i miss them, as much as it was tiring. i miss every one of them. god only knows how much i miss SP and SEC right now. ^^ dont give up guys~ FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!
there are a lot more i love about this year.. but right now i dont really remember all of them! thanks to my real life friends who were there for me when i called. thanks to my maple buds who stayed with me no matter how much of a jerk i was.
and most importantly thanks to my family, for always standing by me.
2008 is dedicated to all those memories of us. cherish it! and lets build new ones for 2009!!!
Dec 30, 2008
added a song to my blog. reflects my moood woo~ (note that the woo is for sentence purposes im not really going woo)
thanks to phy for spamming my tagboard (yes i agree they need a longer word limit). i'll try to blog as much as i can.
office is same as always. sleepy. boss not around. sleepy. yes very sleepy. extremely sleepy.
im halfway through all the articles. trying my best to finish as fast as possible.
kk back to work! lunch break over xD
thanks to phy for spamming my tagboard (yes i agree they need a longer word limit). i'll try to blog as much as i can.
office is same as always. sleepy. boss not around. sleepy. yes very sleepy. extremely sleepy.
im halfway through all the articles. trying my best to finish as fast as possible.
kk back to work! lunch break over xD
Dec 29, 2008
Have you ever been surrounded by so many, and yet you feel strangely alone? Imagine looking around you, all your closest friends in the same room, and yet strangely enough, it is you that doesn't seem to belong? They may smile at me, laugh with me, but all I see now, are faceless expressions staring back at me.
Don't mistake me, it's not loneliness. It's something more profound that no one word can truly explain this feeling. Thinking closely, it's the absence of feeling. Those who know me well enough should know what I have done, what I'm capable of doing. I don't deny this.
I've changed. Maybe so much I myself am confused. Many a time recently I look into the mirror and I no longer know the girl staring back at me. She's a stranger: she belongs nowhere. My spirit's gone. The fighting spirit has vanished. In the past, I was known for never giving up, fighting to the end. That spirit has disappeared.
I don't know what changed me so much, even I can no longer recognise myself. I sit alone in my room many times, trying to figure out what changed me, and whether I wanted it this way. It's still a double-edged sword: I no longer care how my enemies or even strangers see me. But it also scares me. I know that I've been neglecting my friends, or at the very least I haven't been myself lately. And I know if this goes on, I'm going to lose them. But strangely, it doesn't scare me.
Please dont misunderstand me: I'm not saying that you mean nothing to me. More than anything you've all stood by my side when I needed help the most. You've been by my side probably more than I've ever been there for any of you. It's not that I dont treasure the friendship I have with any of you: you should know how much friends are worth in my eyes.
But that's exactly the problem. Why doesn't it scare me? Why am i not afraid of losing any of you? Or... why doesn't it matter anymore? Even asking myself to think about it now... I see a void. I see emptiness. Nothingness.
I don't know who or what changed me. And to be honest, I don't know if i want to go back to being that weakling I used to be. I'm stronger now, I know it. But is it really worth the sacrifices I will have to make to stay this way?
I thank all of you for always being there, for always listening to me despite everything I've done. To tell you the truth, something got me crying the other day. Sandy got us each a card, and on mine she wrote "I know you've been having a hard year this year." Strangely that sentence struck me the hardest. I guess in a sense, this year was probably one of the hardest years in my life. I've gotten hurt so many times, and in the process I've hurt so many people.
It's finally happened. My heart's been shattered so many times that it's locked itself up. I feel nothing. I don't feel pain, and I don't feel happiness. It's just empty. And strangely, it's okay.
I know now I wasn't made strong. I wasn't made who I am today. It wasn't me. It's my surroundings. But I don't blame anyone for who I am today. I don't even know if I'm happier this way. I know I can only blame myself. I got myself into this situation. I made myself suffer.
Someone once told me, my eyes no longer shine. My mum attributes it to my staring at the computer too long. How true, I don't know.
But now my only question remains: who am I now? and is it better this way? Is this my way of growing up?
I don't know.
The girl in the mirror is no longer the girl I used to be.
A friend (?) once told me, he saw himself in me, when he was my age. At that time, I didn't know what to say. But I realise, I may be slowly falling into his shadow. And it scares me. And i don't even know why..
Don't mistake me, it's not loneliness. It's something more profound that no one word can truly explain this feeling. Thinking closely, it's the absence of feeling. Those who know me well enough should know what I have done, what I'm capable of doing. I don't deny this.
I've changed. Maybe so much I myself am confused. Many a time recently I look into the mirror and I no longer know the girl staring back at me. She's a stranger: she belongs nowhere. My spirit's gone. The fighting spirit has vanished. In the past, I was known for never giving up, fighting to the end. That spirit has disappeared.
I don't know what changed me so much, even I can no longer recognise myself. I sit alone in my room many times, trying to figure out what changed me, and whether I wanted it this way. It's still a double-edged sword: I no longer care how my enemies or even strangers see me. But it also scares me. I know that I've been neglecting my friends, or at the very least I haven't been myself lately. And I know if this goes on, I'm going to lose them. But strangely, it doesn't scare me.
Please dont misunderstand me: I'm not saying that you mean nothing to me. More than anything you've all stood by my side when I needed help the most. You've been by my side probably more than I've ever been there for any of you. It's not that I dont treasure the friendship I have with any of you: you should know how much friends are worth in my eyes.
But that's exactly the problem. Why doesn't it scare me? Why am i not afraid of losing any of you? Or... why doesn't it matter anymore? Even asking myself to think about it now... I see a void. I see emptiness. Nothingness.
I don't know who or what changed me. And to be honest, I don't know if i want to go back to being that weakling I used to be. I'm stronger now, I know it. But is it really worth the sacrifices I will have to make to stay this way?
I thank all of you for always being there, for always listening to me despite everything I've done. To tell you the truth, something got me crying the other day. Sandy got us each a card, and on mine she wrote "I know you've been having a hard year this year." Strangely that sentence struck me the hardest. I guess in a sense, this year was probably one of the hardest years in my life. I've gotten hurt so many times, and in the process I've hurt so many people.
It's finally happened. My heart's been shattered so many times that it's locked itself up. I feel nothing. I don't feel pain, and I don't feel happiness. It's just empty. And strangely, it's okay.
I know now I wasn't made strong. I wasn't made who I am today. It wasn't me. It's my surroundings. But I don't blame anyone for who I am today. I don't even know if I'm happier this way. I know I can only blame myself. I got myself into this situation. I made myself suffer.
Someone once told me, my eyes no longer shine. My mum attributes it to my staring at the computer too long. How true, I don't know.
But now my only question remains: who am I now? and is it better this way? Is this my way of growing up?
I don't know.
The girl in the mirror is no longer the girl I used to be.
A friend (?) once told me, he saw himself in me, when he was my age. At that time, I didn't know what to say. But I realise, I may be slowly falling into his shadow. And it scares me. And i don't even know why..
Dec 24, 2008
omg i stole this frm my fren's blog. ITS FUNNY!
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters :
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters :
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters :
MOON STARER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters :
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters :
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters :
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters :
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters :
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters :
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters :
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters :
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters :
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters :
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters :
TWELVE PLUS ONE
And now.. for the grand finale of cool anagrams...
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters :
WOMAN HITLER
OMG LA!
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters :
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters :
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters :
MOON STARER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters :
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters :
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters :
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters :
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters :
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters :
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters :
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters :
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters :
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters :
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters :
TWELVE PLUS ONE
And now.. for the grand finale of cool anagrams...
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters :
WOMAN HITLER
OMG LA!
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