time has flown by. im feeling lower and lower. i dont know if i can ever pick myself up again this time.

maybe one day time will change my decision. maybe soon, maybe never. i dont know. but i do know i will stand by him no matter what. even if everyone argues in my favor, i'll stand by him. even if not for my feelings, just because he was always there for me. thats enough.

today was phyphy's birthday bash. was fun, really~

we played games, talked about random stuff, and more or less saw her closest friends in the same room.

but something was eating me away.

something was missing.

phyllis and shawn

sandy and fitri

xiuzhi and michael

me.


something was seriously missing. and today it was more obvious than it ever could be. it wasnt just the missing of a presence. he seemed to be missing today. and i miss him.

i'm not crying anymore. havent for the past few days. but today i cried. twice. both when i was alone. i didnt want to ruin anyone's party. i didnt want to make anyone see me cry. but the 1 hr i was alone today, i cried.

the past few days i tried not to cry, to keep myself alive and keep myself strong. but it hurts so much more, bottling it all up inside, crying inside to myself.

it hurts so much more... and this time i dont have you to confide in anymore.

someone once told me. the road will become straight when i reach it. but what happens when ive crossed that road, and all that's left is.. a cliff. i can choose to step back and stop, or jump, and not know if i'll fall or fly.

i dont want you to ever read these.

i dont want you to know.

this is my pain.

its my sacrifice.

this is my own problem to fix.

until today, a day hasnt gone by that i havent cried about it. yes it still hurts. maybe now more than ever. but he can never know.

maybe somewhere in the future i will stop crying, someday i will move on. but for now, maybe i dont want to? im not sure either...

its over.

but its okay.

we're friends.

that's how it's meant to be.


no matter how much it hurts me to say it now. i loved you. and i always will, but now as a friend, maybe a brotherly figure. but that's all you said we could ever be.


in the past, ive seen blood of others. the blood splashed on my hands i knew wasnt my own. but this time, i know its my own.

i seem to be blogging a lot recently. =D things have turned out for the better i guess. =D i think im just being too paranoid. =D i should really stop thinking so much. ^^ hehe.

cant wait to see all 4 girls at the SAME TIME! WE STILL HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT!!!! i dont think xiu can go swimming with baby around on thurs, right?

i MISS CHALET. <<< VERY BIG HINT. I. MISS. CHALET.

okay yes im being totally random.

Chalet.

anyway, time for me to go to bed.

Chalet.

Im getting really tired.

Chalet.

omg it's already 4.30am. Time to go to bed!

Oh and did i mention? I WANT CHALET!

HAHAHA!

haii..problems are starting to arise in every part of my life right now. im just glad that i have good frens to tide it with me, and a bf to hold me if i should fall.

i hate today.

i hate today.

i hate today.

today is officially the worst day of my life.


my parents are trying to get me to let go of one of the only thing that keeps me in touch with the people that have made my life better. they dont understand how these people have pulled me through everything: how these people amidst everyone else have stood by me, and how ultimately one of these people became the most important person in my life.

its not the game that matters to me, not the leveling or the point of the game. for me its just being there talking to the people i love, the people who've always been there for me. the people who've, when i needed help, showed no hesitancy to help me. in the game ive met great friends, and in some ways, how is it different from IRC or MSN or even FRIENDSTER? its just another way of mingling, no?

if quitting meant that i'd never talk to them again, never see them again, then no i will never quit. they mean too much to me. though yes i'd admit the game hurt me in more ways that i'm willing to say, but the game also gave me some really good friends, and the game taught me a lot.

but no, my parents dont understand that. they dont see anything in anyway i say. even something that they could call a small thing,they can end up blowing their top at me for crying (and i cried in frustration of not being understood, being wrongly accused).

now they're saying they would let me travel across the world. but somewhere in my mind it's telling me they'll do anything to get me away from it.

i wont say that they dont understand. i'd admit i hid plenty from them. but not because i want to, or tried to. it just happened that way.

life sucks right about now. nothing's going right. everything that needs to go wrong has gone wrong.

there are plenty of things i love about this month. my time with jasper, with the girls and all.but at the same time, i will never forget this month for a few reasons: i've lost a good friend, two maybe, gained 2 old friends back, found a loving boyfriend, and for the first time in so long, pissed myself off.

october... supposed to be a happy month for me, isnt it? well... not anymore.

i hate it.

i hate the feeling of non-existance.

i hate feeling as though i mean nothing to no one.

i hate feeling that i dont exist.

had a good day with jaz last night.. hanging out w him and ivan talking about crap. was fun. though i spent like 2 hours sleeping near his house...

phy's bday is coming up soon... (Thanks phy btw for the card. i just opened it) wonder how it'll be like.. never been to a 21st bday bashy before~!

sandy's obviously still busy, havent heard from her at all...

xiuxiu... well.. hehe. i've talked to xiu on the phone for a while few days back. azealea's growing preeeeety fast. =D

heyhey~ birthday post! yes i realise im 1 day late... BUT STILL~~~

first of all thanks to all those who sms-ed me:
1. Tezuka-kun aka Aloy
2. Szeyuan
3. Alfin
4. Jasper dear
5. Limin
6. Xiuxiu (she wanted to be the last lol)

Thanks also to all who wished me online (m putting nicknames cos they dun wanna let me post their real names):
1. Vile
2. Penguin
3. Ace
4. Sza
5. Happyhead
*a lot more but i really dont remember T_T*


Also special thanks to shiko~ =D

im sorry to all those who's names i didnt add in, but my HP is kinda screwed up so i might not have gotten your sms~ for those who did send me but i didnt reply, THANKS A LOT~~ love you guys~


well the day before my parents brought me out for dinner... really small family deal but quite fun in its own way. me and my sis ate a lot of funny (and a little disgusting) things... just spending some time with the family makes it a lot more fun bah~

after that i spent my birthday evening with jasper. after his army. =D was fun. caught a movie, went kbox. had dinner. really great time. so even though my eyeballs are now red (for a reason i dont understand)... i loved my bday. =D **no pics tho~**

Sorry people~ havent been posting much. Been spending some time with Jaz. ^^ life so far for me is good. Not great, not 100% perfect, but it's picking up.

Just glad i got to meet phy and xiu the other day. Sandy, cant wait to see you. Get well soon so we can meet.

**dating an army boy is hard work T_T, but at least its a 9-5 so its not that bad hehe**

we've given each other enough chances. maybe even one too many.

i thought last night settled it all. i thought i could face tomorrow bravely, looking forward and moving on.

i went back to all those places, the place you once promised me you would never let me get hurt, the place you swore to protect me. ironically now im back here, after it all, swearing on this exact same place that im going to give it all up this time.

i gave you everything i could, i put in everything i had. i can say i've tried my best time and again, admist all the pain and suffering. i can say that when none supported me, i refused to listen, until i began to fear telling them anything. i can say that i've given myself enough chances.

ive changed, that may be true. but now i think i understand. i changed because of you. before i met you all these never happened to me. i dont blame you, i kind of like the way this has changed me. i've always guessed that you were given into my life for a reason. but maybe i was just wrong about which reason it was.

im sorry all i have done isnt enough. im sorry for all the trouble ive caused. but ive decided, this time, for real, im going to move on. nothing you can say can change my mind, ive hurt myself enough this time. last night i spent the night crying, talking to the one person who would still listen to me and tell me its okay. last night i spent the night thinking if i could have done anything differently.

but i think now, even if i could, i dont want to. not anymore.

my lips are no longer yours to kiss
my hands are no longer yours to hold
my hugs are no longer yours to keep
and my heart is no longer yours to take.

you've made me afraid to love. you've made me fear everything there is about love. in the past i can say i'd put 100% into any relationship i would have thought was worthwhile, but no more. i cant say that anymore. im too afraid. im too afraid to even say yes to someone that truly loves me.

but even after all that, i dont blame you. i never blamed you. not once. i still protected you, i still did everything i could for you. and now i know that was never enough. in your eyes it would never be enough.

its enough for me. i've cried for you for the last time. i dont want to hear what you've got to say. i dont want it to make a difference. i dont want to hope for anything more. because if what you say is true, there can be nothing more, and nothing i say is going to change that. i'll stay by your side as i always have, as your friend. but nothing more. we drew the line very closely yesterday, today you nearly went over the line again. but im more careful now. because if i do anything wrong, im not only hurting you and me, but im hurting the one person who was willing to stand by me, the one person i made a promise to last night.

thank you.

i havent posted in a while.. haha been really busy. but if u asked me doing what, i dont really know.

jap results are out. i didnt do too badly... but now the question remains whether im gg to continue taking it or not... i'll have to talk to phyphy about it.. if she decides not to do the 2nd module... i dont know if i'll continue doing it alone...

life is like a roller coaster right about now... going up and down and not knowing what to do or where to go. it's become an endless game that i dont want to play anymore.

maple's become a recluse for me.

cant wait for sandy to come back~ xiu's baby (sorry i keep having typos in her name) is going to be one month old soon!!!! i dont think we'd be going to the party (too much family and relatives around)... so we'll just see xiu and baby when she dares to bring her out~~~ kya~!

all my friends seem to be coming back suddenly. its made me happy ^^ happy person.

shiko if ur reading this i really miss talking to you. ive seen spitz online more than ive talked to you, and that's saying smth~~!!! hehes. catch up some time k~

it's been a while since ive posted something here.

xiu and her baby azealea have gone home, resting at home (i was going to say resting in peace but i realised that sounds a little... dead. but when i wrote it i was intending it to mean without the "squabbles of other ppl" and "other babies crying". dont mind me)

phy and i are almost done with our jap course, i quit working with my dad.

ive been spending more and more time on maple... maybe because ive met a few really great people there.

i dont know what part of my life has become real and which isnt anymore. some part of me seems to be living in a fairytale, yet it's one of those twisted ones where everything seems to go wrong.

maybe my mind is playing tricks on me, but ive decided im not going to fall for it again. i'll trust my friends, because all this while, when no one was there to see my pain, they were they to tell me it'll be okay... and while some of my friends only see the smile on my face, only those special few have been around to see the tears, and to tell me it'll be okay.

because of them i grew up, growing to let it go and forget about it, and even whatever that's happening right now, to move on and accept whatever i can get. it may bring back lovely memories of the past, but now thats not enough to make me anything i am not anymore.

im glad that my life has grown to change for the better, and maybe it will look up again soon. until then, if this is all i have, then this is all i need.

i love you guys, even if on the surface i never said it, and argued endlessly with all of you. yes jaz, even you. ^^

another update:

baby will be out in 45 minutes. WORLD MEET AZEALEA!

update on xiu:

heard from her brother, right now at 3.51am she hasnt given birth yet. apparently she's not dilated enough, so they're going to go do a C-section, and if all goes well little azealea will be born on the 29th of july, at around 6am!!! ^^ cant wait to see little azealea for the first time.

we're all eagerly waiting the birth of little baby girl~

http://6shikochan9.wordpress.com/

shiko i know you'll be back to read this. your last post really got to me. really. i sat there thinking how things have changed, how so many things are different now. from our first GPQ, to our first balrog. all those firsts. things then were much simpler, and it was so much fun having all you guys around.

now that you and spitz have gone, things have changed so much. ive made some new friends, i've lost some old friends. but most importantly ive gained a lot, and lost some.

looking at that pic, the screenshot you took on the wallpaper of that blog, reminded me how spastic i was.. haha i was smiling like an idiot in that shot. =x oh well. it was fun while it lasted.

i've left a lot of things i didnt tell you... a lot of things i want to, but ive been hiding from MSN so as not to face any of you.. but i think one day i'll tell you. till then... missing you loads~ love xhinokix

p.s. shiko, spitz, degree. you three will always be my number 1 team. no matter what happens. you guys were the best friends i could ever make on maple, and no matter what has changed, this remains the same. thank you, 3 of you.

i guess for sandy's sake i'll blog a detailed one. ^^ since poor sandy is out and knows nothing.


at noon i got a message from xiuzhi. same one that she sent to phyllis. she told me she was on the way to the hospital, to get checked.

i tried replying her but she couldnt turn on her phone, thus couldnt reply me. so i smsed phyllis and sandy to inform them, and kept my phone beside me.

at 3pm xiu called me, told me that she was in the ward, awaiting. she sounded a little scared i guess, not too much. just a little softer than usual. i think she was probably nervous. it started getting me thinking that you know...this was really happening.

she called again later, to tell me that they just broke her waterbag. she even said it wasnt like she was told that they would, but they just did it, somewhat that she wasnt given much of her choice. each time i was lost for words, i really didnt know what to say. i just kept telling her she'd be fine and that she'll be okay, and to take care.

i got a message later on, regarding opening hours and time of birth. phyllis and i i think both imagined wiating those agonising hours outside the suite, waiting for birth. but i guess this was a little too... extreme if we were really to go down.

now typing this i think little azealea has just seen and breathed her first moment by now... wonder when the birthday is.. hmm.. ^^ must remember to ask xiu tmr.

i'm taking half a day tmr to go see her and azealea. i dont think she expects us tomorrow morning, probably she thinks i'll be over after my work~

phy and i are going to bring some kind of makeshift basket of fruits over. lol. sandy, hang in there pics will be up soon! ^^

its really surreal, that this is finally happening. ive been jumpy all day. its like we're not the ones that are involved, and yet we feel for them.

cant wait for tomorrow~

manipulative. liar. not trustworthy.

these are the words that have been used to describe me lately. i've really thought abt all these to myself, because its what a good friend told me.

he told me all these, and said he couldnt trust me. that he regretted ever meeting me. he knows everything about me, from what i did to nick, and beyond. i dont want to see myself as a liar, or a manipulative person, and i've decided that from that day i'd change. this isnt the person who i want to be.

as much as not trustworthy, i think thats a combination of fear to trust me, thinking that the information i find out will someday be used against him. well, i wont. anyone who's my friend knows how i treat my friends, and how i treasure a friendship, and i dont want to lose it. they know how hard i'll work, the ends i'll go to for a friendship.

i understand if u cant believe me or trust me because i've lied to you. i'm willing to prove you wrong, just like i said i would. i'll earn your trust again, even if it takes me a while to get it right.

i confess i appreciate the truth: you're maybe the only one who would tell me this, so i can believe you.

it hurts not to be trusted, knowing that they think im plotting something against it. ive spent so long and worked so hard trying to keep myself from ruining the friendship. i've always told everyone else who warned me, everyone else who told me the truth that i was blinded to see, that i stood on your side. it didnt matter to me whether you were right or wrong. i'm your friend and i'll fight for you. i'll protect you. that's my definition of a friend.

i know maybe he's afraid to trust me again, afraid that i might use the information against him. he says he regrets ever meeting me. it hurts. it fucking hurts a lot knowing that.

but there's nthing i can do. i deserved this. even if my lies were for the better good, for him not to feel guilty or for him not to feel the pain that i felt, because i didnt want him to know about my thoughts. i didnt want to burden him with any of it. and because of that, i've now lost his trust.

it might take some time, but when im done, you'll see. you all will see. im not the manipulative person, the liar you think i am. i'm much more than that. its not my style. i wasnt born like this. and as long as i wasnt born, i can reverse it.

so watch me.

watch me change for the better.

this was what you were put in my life for. this was the reason, the meaning of your existance in my life. if my chance to learn this lesson was to lose a good friendship, then the sacrifice is too big. give me another chance, give me the friend i used to have. the one that trusted me wholeheartedly, the one that would look to me for advice.

that's the friend i want back. and i'll prove to you that you can trust me again. just give me that chance.