Sorry people~ havent been posting much. Been spending some time with Jaz. ^^ life so far for me is good. Not great, not 100% perfect, but it's picking up.

Just glad i got to meet phy and xiu the other day. Sandy, cant wait to see you. Get well soon so we can meet.

**dating an army boy is hard work T_T, but at least its a 9-5 so its not that bad hehe**

we've given each other enough chances. maybe even one too many.

i thought last night settled it all. i thought i could face tomorrow bravely, looking forward and moving on.

i went back to all those places, the place you once promised me you would never let me get hurt, the place you swore to protect me. ironically now im back here, after it all, swearing on this exact same place that im going to give it all up this time.

i gave you everything i could, i put in everything i had. i can say i've tried my best time and again, admist all the pain and suffering. i can say that when none supported me, i refused to listen, until i began to fear telling them anything. i can say that i've given myself enough chances.

ive changed, that may be true. but now i think i understand. i changed because of you. before i met you all these never happened to me. i dont blame you, i kind of like the way this has changed me. i've always guessed that you were given into my life for a reason. but maybe i was just wrong about which reason it was.

im sorry all i have done isnt enough. im sorry for all the trouble ive caused. but ive decided, this time, for real, im going to move on. nothing you can say can change my mind, ive hurt myself enough this time. last night i spent the night crying, talking to the one person who would still listen to me and tell me its okay. last night i spent the night thinking if i could have done anything differently.

but i think now, even if i could, i dont want to. not anymore.

my lips are no longer yours to kiss
my hands are no longer yours to hold
my hugs are no longer yours to keep
and my heart is no longer yours to take.

you've made me afraid to love. you've made me fear everything there is about love. in the past i can say i'd put 100% into any relationship i would have thought was worthwhile, but no more. i cant say that anymore. im too afraid. im too afraid to even say yes to someone that truly loves me.

but even after all that, i dont blame you. i never blamed you. not once. i still protected you, i still did everything i could for you. and now i know that was never enough. in your eyes it would never be enough.

its enough for me. i've cried for you for the last time. i dont want to hear what you've got to say. i dont want it to make a difference. i dont want to hope for anything more. because if what you say is true, there can be nothing more, and nothing i say is going to change that. i'll stay by your side as i always have, as your friend. but nothing more. we drew the line very closely yesterday, today you nearly went over the line again. but im more careful now. because if i do anything wrong, im not only hurting you and me, but im hurting the one person who was willing to stand by me, the one person i made a promise to last night.

thank you.

i havent posted in a while.. haha been really busy. but if u asked me doing what, i dont really know.

jap results are out. i didnt do too badly... but now the question remains whether im gg to continue taking it or not... i'll have to talk to phyphy about it.. if she decides not to do the 2nd module... i dont know if i'll continue doing it alone...

life is like a roller coaster right about now... going up and down and not knowing what to do or where to go. it's become an endless game that i dont want to play anymore.

maple's become a recluse for me.

cant wait for sandy to come back~ xiu's baby (sorry i keep having typos in her name) is going to be one month old soon!!!! i dont think we'd be going to the party (too much family and relatives around)... so we'll just see xiu and baby when she dares to bring her out~~~ kya~!

all my friends seem to be coming back suddenly. its made me happy ^^ happy person.

shiko if ur reading this i really miss talking to you. ive seen spitz online more than ive talked to you, and that's saying smth~~!!! hehes. catch up some time k~

it's been a while since ive posted something here.

xiu and her baby azealea have gone home, resting at home (i was going to say resting in peace but i realised that sounds a little... dead. but when i wrote it i was intending it to mean without the "squabbles of other ppl" and "other babies crying". dont mind me)

phy and i are almost done with our jap course, i quit working with my dad.

ive been spending more and more time on maple... maybe because ive met a few really great people there.

i dont know what part of my life has become real and which isnt anymore. some part of me seems to be living in a fairytale, yet it's one of those twisted ones where everything seems to go wrong.

maybe my mind is playing tricks on me, but ive decided im not going to fall for it again. i'll trust my friends, because all this while, when no one was there to see my pain, they were they to tell me it'll be okay... and while some of my friends only see the smile on my face, only those special few have been around to see the tears, and to tell me it'll be okay.

because of them i grew up, growing to let it go and forget about it, and even whatever that's happening right now, to move on and accept whatever i can get. it may bring back lovely memories of the past, but now thats not enough to make me anything i am not anymore.

im glad that my life has grown to change for the better, and maybe it will look up again soon. until then, if this is all i have, then this is all i need.

i love you guys, even if on the surface i never said it, and argued endlessly with all of you. yes jaz, even you. ^^

another update:

baby will be out in 45 minutes. WORLD MEET AZEALEA!

update on xiu:

heard from her brother, right now at 3.51am she hasnt given birth yet. apparently she's not dilated enough, so they're going to go do a C-section, and if all goes well little azealea will be born on the 29th of july, at around 6am!!! ^^ cant wait to see little azealea for the first time.

we're all eagerly waiting the birth of little baby girl~

http://6shikochan9.wordpress.com/

shiko i know you'll be back to read this. your last post really got to me. really. i sat there thinking how things have changed, how so many things are different now. from our first GPQ, to our first balrog. all those firsts. things then were much simpler, and it was so much fun having all you guys around.

now that you and spitz have gone, things have changed so much. ive made some new friends, i've lost some old friends. but most importantly ive gained a lot, and lost some.

looking at that pic, the screenshot you took on the wallpaper of that blog, reminded me how spastic i was.. haha i was smiling like an idiot in that shot. =x oh well. it was fun while it lasted.

i've left a lot of things i didnt tell you... a lot of things i want to, but ive been hiding from MSN so as not to face any of you.. but i think one day i'll tell you. till then... missing you loads~ love xhinokix

p.s. shiko, spitz, degree. you three will always be my number 1 team. no matter what happens. you guys were the best friends i could ever make on maple, and no matter what has changed, this remains the same. thank you, 3 of you.

i guess for sandy's sake i'll blog a detailed one. ^^ since poor sandy is out and knows nothing.


at noon i got a message from xiuzhi. same one that she sent to phyllis. she told me she was on the way to the hospital, to get checked.

i tried replying her but she couldnt turn on her phone, thus couldnt reply me. so i smsed phyllis and sandy to inform them, and kept my phone beside me.

at 3pm xiu called me, told me that she was in the ward, awaiting. she sounded a little scared i guess, not too much. just a little softer than usual. i think she was probably nervous. it started getting me thinking that you know...this was really happening.

she called again later, to tell me that they just broke her waterbag. she even said it wasnt like she was told that they would, but they just did it, somewhat that she wasnt given much of her choice. each time i was lost for words, i really didnt know what to say. i just kept telling her she'd be fine and that she'll be okay, and to take care.

i got a message later on, regarding opening hours and time of birth. phyllis and i i think both imagined wiating those agonising hours outside the suite, waiting for birth. but i guess this was a little too... extreme if we were really to go down.

now typing this i think little azealea has just seen and breathed her first moment by now... wonder when the birthday is.. hmm.. ^^ must remember to ask xiu tmr.

i'm taking half a day tmr to go see her and azealea. i dont think she expects us tomorrow morning, probably she thinks i'll be over after my work~

phy and i are going to bring some kind of makeshift basket of fruits over. lol. sandy, hang in there pics will be up soon! ^^

its really surreal, that this is finally happening. ive been jumpy all day. its like we're not the ones that are involved, and yet we feel for them.

cant wait for tomorrow~

manipulative. liar. not trustworthy.

these are the words that have been used to describe me lately. i've really thought abt all these to myself, because its what a good friend told me.

he told me all these, and said he couldnt trust me. that he regretted ever meeting me. he knows everything about me, from what i did to nick, and beyond. i dont want to see myself as a liar, or a manipulative person, and i've decided that from that day i'd change. this isnt the person who i want to be.

as much as not trustworthy, i think thats a combination of fear to trust me, thinking that the information i find out will someday be used against him. well, i wont. anyone who's my friend knows how i treat my friends, and how i treasure a friendship, and i dont want to lose it. they know how hard i'll work, the ends i'll go to for a friendship.

i understand if u cant believe me or trust me because i've lied to you. i'm willing to prove you wrong, just like i said i would. i'll earn your trust again, even if it takes me a while to get it right.

i confess i appreciate the truth: you're maybe the only one who would tell me this, so i can believe you.

it hurts not to be trusted, knowing that they think im plotting something against it. ive spent so long and worked so hard trying to keep myself from ruining the friendship. i've always told everyone else who warned me, everyone else who told me the truth that i was blinded to see, that i stood on your side. it didnt matter to me whether you were right or wrong. i'm your friend and i'll fight for you. i'll protect you. that's my definition of a friend.

i know maybe he's afraid to trust me again, afraid that i might use the information against him. he says he regrets ever meeting me. it hurts. it fucking hurts a lot knowing that.

but there's nthing i can do. i deserved this. even if my lies were for the better good, for him not to feel guilty or for him not to feel the pain that i felt, because i didnt want him to know about my thoughts. i didnt want to burden him with any of it. and because of that, i've now lost his trust.

it might take some time, but when im done, you'll see. you all will see. im not the manipulative person, the liar you think i am. i'm much more than that. its not my style. i wasnt born like this. and as long as i wasnt born, i can reverse it.

so watch me.

watch me change for the better.

this was what you were put in my life for. this was the reason, the meaning of your existance in my life. if my chance to learn this lesson was to lose a good friendship, then the sacrifice is too big. give me another chance, give me the friend i used to have. the one that trusted me wholeheartedly, the one that would look to me for advice.

that's the friend i want back. and i'll prove to you that you can trust me again. just give me that chance.

yeah im back from long term (ok not THAT long) hiatus. =x hehehe.

im really tired these few days, what with work and all...

but life's starting to uplift itself. ^^ we'll see.

you know what i hate most?

yes you probably do. anyone who knows me well would know i hate two-faced lying bastards the most. you know, those who, on one end tell you one thing, something you might want to hear, and on the other end, they tell your friends something else.

we've all met someone like this in our lives, we've all seen someone or heard someone do this before: it shouldnt be strange. but when that someone is someone who knows nothing about you, someone who's not in your life in the least, you cant help but find it strange.

well that's just what happened to me. someone who wished me the best in life, in truth wishes i fail.

oh well.

he's screwed.

~~~

am i really blinded?
are there things i've yet to see
is this how it's meant to be
these things happening to me

hahahahaha i really missed my BTT today. funny story really its not so much i REALLLY forgot i had my BTT. i knew it was today like last night. so i studied until 2-3am, knowing full well i had to wake up at 6+am for my mock test.

coincidentally i forgot how to get there, so i skipped my mock test to do a little last minute studying.. GREAT right? i was sitting on my rooftop thinking to myself and studying... and when 10am came (my test was at 11) i totally forgot. i even put an alarm, but it didnt ring. it was only when xiu msged me that i REMEMBERED that my test was that.

as usual i got lost. so i missed my test. -.- yay me. now i have to sign again. that pushes my road legality back by a month or so =(

a song for me.


i found this song very soothing. i never could imagine i would like a song like this. its sung by Ninomiya Kazunari from Arashi. the lyrics are really nice and the music is really good too. i dont know was it the words that struck me or something else. my mind is now clear... i more or less know what im going to do.

虹(Rainbow) by Ninomiya Kazunari

いつもそうよ。
As always.
拗ねるときみは。
You are sulking.
私の大事な物を隠すでしょ。
Hiding the important things to me.
その場所は決まって同じだから。
Because that place is certainly the same,
今日は先に行って待ってみるわ。
I'll go there first today and wait.

季節達が夕日を連れて来て
The seasons bring the evening sun.
影が私をみつけて延びる...。
I found my shadow extending...

ビックリした顔で私をみつめては
With a surprised expression, you saw me.
急に口尖らせプイっと外見るの。
You seemed angry and suddenly looked outside.
ごめんね。と言うと
I said "I'm sorry" and
じゃあこっちに来てよと
"well, come here".
ねぇ、ほら見て見て
Hey, look, look.
影が重なった...。
Our shadows are overlapping...

傘がぶつかり真っ直ぐ歩けない。
Our umbrellas are colliding and I can't walk straightly.
そんな私を見て笑っているの。
Seeing me like that made you laugh.

私もやってみせてあげるの。
I'll do it too and show it to you.
同じ様に口を尖らす...。
The same face when your angry.

優しく笑うきみが
You gently laughing
この時間が空間が
at this time and space.
泣きたくなるくらい
I wanted to cry.
一番大事なものだよ。
Your my most precious one.
わざと尖らせてる...。
I purposely showed an anger face...
私にごめんねの返事を持たずに
Without saying "I'm sorry" to me,
優しくキスしたの...。
you gently kissed me.

これからはちょっとくらいの我が儘
From now on it will be a little selfish.
言ってもいいよ。
It's alright to say.
でも私にだけよ。
But only to me.

面倒くさいからって
Because it's troublesome.
素直じゃないんだから
Because I'm not submissive.
何で言えないのかな？
Why can't I say it?
好きだよ。
I love you.
一言よ？
Just those words.
たまには聞きたいな。
You sometimes want to hear.
今日は私と君が
Today, I'm with you.
名字を重ねた日。
The day we will share the same name.
愛が芽吹いた日。
The day our love blooms.

la... la... la...

虹がキレイだよ。
The rainbow is beautiful.
いや、お前の方が...。
No, you are more beautiful...
テレはじめるきみに
To you who begins to shine,

ありがとう。ありがとう。
Thank you. Thank you.


i just realised my new blog has no song bg whatsoever. im probably going to add this song as my new background music. its soothing and i really like it, even if its not my precious ohno singing. if it were i'd be melting by now. x)

right now im in the office helping my dad type japanese. japanese has really become my outlet now... more and more so.

昨日は、　私　と　ふうゆえ　でんわ　お　はなします。　ちょっと　だけ、　でも　ね。。　しあわせ　ですよ。　二時半、　三時？　わすれた。。　ぜんぶ　も　いま　大丈夫　から。。　私　の　ゆめ、　私　の　未来、　大丈夫　から。。　何時も　何時も　全部　も　しらない。。　ちょっと　むずかしい　ね。。　でも　さ。。　いま　は。。。　してる　よ。　たいせつな　ひと、　ごめなさい。　ぜんぶ　も　あなた　の　ため　に。　

ありがとう、　みんな。　ありがとう、あなた。　いま　私　わすれない、　けど　つよくなる。　あなた　のために　だから。いのち　わ　生きてる。　まって　いた、　私たち　の　日。。　ともだち　も　いい。。　絶対　に。。　はなせない。　

ok i got to go back to work~ hehehee. ^^ PHYPHY REMEMBER STUDY FOR UR TEST!


[[OMG I FORGOT TOMORROW I HAVE MY BASIC THEORY TEST AND I SO HAVE NOT STUDIED!!! DIEEEE!!!!!]]　

really confused about life. guess everything's changed now... only time will tell if its for the better or worse. right now i'll just have to do what i hate doing... grit and bear.

sihua's last day has finally come in a week's time... in a week's time all my friends at mediacorp would have moved on... gordon in aus, me and liting working, sihua back to school, joachim to ns. its hard to imagine since then so many things have happened to me. and although i want to meet them, at the same time i dont want to. i dont know what looking into their faces will do, but i know that my heart will ache. i dont know why, but maybe its just the past memories...

recently ive been thinking about the past a lot... telling myself i could have changed so many things, knowing that i would if i had a chance. me saying i wouldnt now would be lying. i want to change so many things back then. maybe then i wouldnt be me... i would be someone else, someone better?

woots new blog look~~~~~~~ BWAHAHAHA. im still working out the bugs though..

omg im so bored i actually started reading old entries of other ppl's blogs. started out with xiu's cos phy's blog is quite new i think... a few snippets rushed out at me. her blog dates back to 2005... so its about our first year... hard to imagine so many things happened. haha. so im going to dedicate this to our past together.... XIU AND PHY U BETTER READ THIS! ESP YOU TWO!


BY XIU: JingYi's ATTACHED!!!! To? Aiya.... anata la... Hee Desmond san desu Haha Later she'll DEFINITELY come after me when she read this blog entry Anyway I dun care ;P Ne ne ni pu pu Haha Okok... being a bit too childish here Doubt she got any energy la these days, since she has to go and spend time with her Des san hee


LOL la that seems so long ago... i forgot all about these already.. hahaha.



looking at some of the pics still available on her blog made me think back.. when it was really us 5. NUXES version 1. makes me miss shen at some point. i mean despite all that, i dont believe it was her fault.. and the pictures prove it. everytime i look at that photo i cant help but think... why did it happen this way? but hey... life's like that. and because of that, we met sandy! you rock girl~



Before long the sesmester is gonna be over How time flies I'm rather amazed and happy over the strong frenship I had fostered over the months Much faster and stronger than anyone one of us had or can possibly imagine.

There's more to come. I'm sure Just that how the frenship will turn out, there's still much to be done. Building it may be tough but definitely not at tough as maintaining it I feel But irregardless of all odds, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and I'm sure we'll defnitely stick it out Provided we dun have major character changes or misunderstandings Cos things in poly are jsut way too complicated to forsee and comprehend at time Though even if I could, I myself also allow myself to fall prey to it even*Toast* Here's to out frenship gals!

THIS WAS WHEN WE ALL COMPLAINED ABT XIU AND HER LACK OF FULLSTOPS. (i tried putting in a few then i got bored. xD haha) but either way, now it means a lot to me, knowing 3 years down the line we've gotten closer than ever... albiet a few quarrels, a lot of mishaps, each of us shed tears at one point in time, but we're still in it together!



HAHAHA THEN THERE WERE SNIPPETS ABOUT MEILING!!!

Frankly speaking I am very much sick of talking abt her or racking my brains over where to position her in projects and presentations ESPECIALLY presentations!!!!!Her probs:-fond of talking to herself during presentations-saying the wrong things-saying things that are outta pt ( she got a very good technique of making things outta pt!!!!)- LOVES and always try to skive and pass off contributions as 'decent work" ( seriously can't this woman think?How old is she already? 25? Think more than that man!!!! )



haha reading all the posts in the past... her bdays and all that... made me remember what peace we used to have... back in year 1 when we were still good with janice and all... its strange how we've grown this way.. how odd that this has happened like this. after reading it its made me regret, thinking that it could have been possible, remaining 5, or even 6 with sandy. but the truth will set in sooner or later, that its better this way.



And Jing: Yes I cheated -_- you know me la, very curious one. And also you got a good point, dunno if I can bring the letter up to the plane haha. Thanks anyway!


This was... about a letter i wrote to phy before she flew overseas... I TOLD HER TO READ IT ON THE PLANE DAMMIT! hahaha. nevermind i predicted she would cheat. hehe. i think i gave it to her on one of the exams we had?



And I bought a super super nice adidas jacket! It's black with pink lines on the sleeves and a sparkling adidas logo behind. It's a two-layered jacket..the outside one is water-resistant but the inside is cloth and has a nice pattern on it (that someone says looks like oysters).

Phy's first post on her blog. didnt realise it but she's been wearing that since 2006. its become her trademark... the shiny adidas disco ball~ hahaha. i remember when we asked her to spin arnd... just to make her look more disco-bally...



its a real revelation... reading back on the girls' blogs... thinking about the past. i guess THINKING about it doesnt make me remember as much as now.. when i look at the pictures and the memories we used to share. at some point i thought to myself "OMG I WORE THAT!?" it seemed so long ago... almost like another life.



my blog entries never went that far... mine's only about the time NUXES became NUXE.. i think it was because i was so upset with S at that time that i totally blocked that part out of my life and wanted to start anew. now i regret it... maybe if i had those posts it might mean something to me now.



those three years seemed to have passed a long time ago... and phy and xiu were always there since year 1. we've grown closer since we first met. it used to be me and janice, phyllis and shen... and xiuzhi was kinda the one being pushed back and forth (sorry girl for all that... =( ) then shen left... so phy grew closer to us... then sandy came. for a while she seemed a little odd... being new, didnt know much about us... but slowly we grew closer... then came the projects, then janice was kind of expelled i guess... since then its been the 4 of us... through everything, we grew much closer. i remember how i used to hate xiuzhi cutting my sentences, such that in the end i decided not to talk... but now i think we've both gotten used to it. now i cant think of anyone else better to call when i need a listening ear (thanks for being there girl, through desmond, kf, and especially wl). phy, as usual the chirpy one. sandy, the blur one. these two now too busy so i cant call them =( hehehe. oh well.



cant believe that i was so bored to read the past entries, but its set off this fire in me... knowing that somehow, somewhere, amidst all that i care for in SP... even if i lost everything. SP was where i lost my loves, the club, the teachers, the japanese students, the events, everything. but it was in SP that i found 3 good friends, maybe more.



this post goes out to you three girls, who've shared so much with me. we've watched each other cry, we've heard each other laugh. at one point or other, we've hurt each other as well. but more than that, despite all that, all the pain and hatred we once had, it somehow went away. and although i havent seen you girls in so long, it doesnt matter.



i miss those days we used to have.. those chalets and outings. to sentosa, lunch, birthdays, movies even. now more than ever, that scrapbook on my table means so much to me. yes its spastic and its funny, but it means more knowing the effect of each picture. its in pictures that you realise who your friends are... i remember back when they were doing the scrapbook for me, they told me they couldnt find much with janice inside... and i agreed. i guess to that extent she was never really there.



even matt agrees to that point. somehow i feel im being used. at least maybe its just me.



after i blog this i can finally go home. (yes i spent almost half an hr blogging and reading their old entries). when you have time, really go read each other's entries... it really is quite funny. reminiscing together wouldnt be as much fun because by now some of us have forgotten certain details... im kinda tempted to call xiu and talk to her about her entries. haha its so funny.



but more than that... thanks for always being there. i love you girls. ^^

**p.s. i hope i didnt take anything too sensitive... =p if you think it is just tell me i'll get rid of it~**

havent been blogging recently (okay thats not true). part of me is making a new revamped blog. =p it looks nice if i say so myself. as soon as im done w the html i'll upload it. for now its also my desktop wallpaper. HAHAHA!

serlyn's gone to tokyo, matt's just gotten back from fukuoka/osaka... i miss going to japan. there's so many things i want to do there, so many things ive yet to learn and still want to see. mt fuji for one.

ok away from japan... (YES MUST REPLY YONE!)

xiu's about to reach her pinnacle of her journey.. and i cant wait for it~ hahahaha.

one thing that made me really upset recently was my mum. she came to me and told me off for spending more time on my friends than i do to her, neglecting her etc. i was damn pissed that day.. i didnt want to go out because i was sick and i didnt feel like moving. i even told everyone who asked me out that i wasnt free. but nooooooooooo. she had to accuse me of neglecting her, not wanting to be with her than be with my friends. GREAT RIGHT~!

after a lot of tears we kinda settled it. well not really. hai. long story.

my basic theory test is coming soon, jap class starts next week (PHYYYYY DONT FORGET!). suddenly my life seems more... lively LOL.

today was interesting. out of nowhere i bumped into desmond. HAHAHAHAHAHA. it looked like this.


i was walking along with my friend... walking around. suddenly i see this guy who looks oddly familiar... he was staring at me with this agape face... hahaha. finally i realised it really was him. (cos i thought i spotted him a few times before... false alarms)

i walked past, kinda shouted "hihi!! didnt expect to see you here!" hahahaha. in 3 years this is the first time we've really bumped into each other... guess it was kinda odd that we did.

we spent some time smsing (catching up).. joked around a little... kinda said we'll meet to catch up some time.

he's changed quite a bit... more... mature i think. he said i grew taller. im insisting he shrunk. BWAHAHHAHAHAHA!

one by one, i will fulfill my destiny.
one at a time, i'm closer to my dream.
each step i take brings me even closer
to the person i've always wanted to be.

it starts out small, baby steps at a time
motivation, determination, and perserverence
one at a time, a dream unfolds
and im closer to becoming a whole.

~~~

it started out with me taking japanese class, my aim being JLPT 1. it took me a while to get motivation to actually go for real lessons, to take the class and make myself understand... this is really something i want. this is my dream, to go to japan and understand fully... 100% what they are talking about. ive always convinced myself that i could live with it, studying on my own, that i could survive. but i was wrong. i cant. and now ive made that move to become who i really wanted to be.. this is my first move.

now today, ive officially signed up for driving lessons, and if all goes well by december i'd be legal on the road. ive always wanted to drive, i knew that. it had to be a manual... i knew that too. but i never actually thought that i could take up my courage, throw it aside, and take the lessons. but now, filled with a sudden urge only i seem to understand, i know that i must learn it.. i know that i must succeed and i will do it right the first time.