its been.. almost a year since everything happened. since graduation, since my life started embarking on the road it is still on. all in all im growing older, getting wiser, and i guess maturing in general. i hope so. im not in a rush to grow up, but it suddenly seems inevitable that one day i will have to. im learning a lot these few days, about life, love, and everything in between (i think i took this from phy's blog).

to some people i guess life would be a lot more complicated, but to me it seems very simple, and getting simpler by the day. i guess this is what we call "getting used to life". ive read and tried to catch up with a lot of people's blogs... friends, enemies, classmates alike. everyone seems to be taking great strides in their lives: marriage, kids, work, study, all of the above maybe?

so at one shot i'll try to answer all the questions about my life: since i owe it to you guys for MIAing the past.. ya. very long time.

Studies: applied for RMIT 2 year advanced standing in degree for communications. if successful i'll only be doing 1.5years, and its a part time course so i'd graduate in approximately 2011. results will be out in august, so i got nothing to do till then!

Life: not working now, not erally looking for a job. maybe part time until my application proves successful?

ghostly memoirs

i hear your footsteps,
i see you glide by
my tears start to fall,
as i reach out to you
my heart pounds and thunders:
what if you shirk me away?

you walk on, as though
you dont see me at all
no flicker in your eye
no smile on your face
just the gentle steps on the pavement
and you continued that way.

i imagine this day,
over and over again
how can i get you to see me?
i am but a ghost of your past
a memory you've long forgotten
a past.. only i remember

a ring, a distant sound
a foreign object in my hands
a single rose, bright red as blood
i look up, curious, confused
and i see it in your eyes: i know
i have yet to lose.

sometimes the actions of someone makes your own seem effortless. sometimes you think the thought counts, but certain things just cant be overwhelmed even further. there's just too many elements im unsure of, too many things i dont know and may never have the chance to find out.

scary thought: more and more ppl i dont know are chancing upon my blog. @@ i dont exactly know if thats a good thing or not: i guess good thing about it is they can give me objective POVs without being afraid to hurt me (since they dont know me), while my frens will be.. i guess.. more... erm.. gentle?

well ive decided anyhow. a lot of things happened the past week, and last night settled all my doubts. ive made a lot of mistakes in the past, and im determined to never make those mistakes again. i dont know if its possible to change, or even to "not be who i am", but im going to try my best to change for me and for everyone else around me.

mother's day's coming up.. i dont know if i intend to do anything: my mum seems to have plans of her own. she keeps insisting i spend more time with her, and in my own defence its not that i dont wish to spend time with her: ever get the feeling that... the people around you dont see 100% what's happening to you, and yet... they assume they do? that just because you're... sleeping when they go out, and sleeping when they come back, must therefore mean you slept the whole day away?

my dad, on the other hand, is more relaxed about me staying out late. okay relaxed isnt the right word: he still spams sms-es and calls, but he's beginning to give me my own space: i.e. not calling my friends, waiting for me to reply... agreeing to let me stay out late as long as he knows where i am. i guess its come to the point where my dad has finally understood that im growing up, and he has to let me fly sooner or later. my mum, on the other hand... i guess to mum's we'll always be a kid.

phyllis is due back from aus soon.. cant wait to see her. talked to her on MSN a few days ago: she must be studying her butt off right about now. phyphy if you read this: GOOD LUCK IN YOUR EXAMS!

xiu just started work, im kinda waiting for her to post about her office and environment and such. but no luck yet. still waiting~

as for me, i got myself (or rather my mum) a new camera~ i got really annoyed with the macro on my old camera, and finally i found one im satisfied with!

i even cleared out my closet to make space for my new clothes (which i am ordering online).

final note: i need to diet. BADLY. ^^

there are two paths in front of you. the first is a lit path, but at the end you see a future you dont want. the second is a dark path, you cant see anything ahead of you. you dont know if its scarier, or not.

which path would you choose to take? most people would advice you to take the lit path, because you know whats in store: at least you know its safe. would you? or would you risk it on a second path, not knowing what career lies ahead of you, or whether they'll be an end at all?

or will you jsut choose to stand at the fork of that road, until one day a decision will be made for you?

in life we're always given decisions like these. neither seem to be the right answer, yet you still have to pick one. for me, i dont know if ive chosen, or whether im still staying on the forked path, where it seems safest.

maybe one day i will decide.

im back again.

for once i find myself at a loss. words can no longer describe what im feeling. i guess one thing that hit me in my comment box was the word "hide". i wouldnt say that im hiding, but the fear is adequately accepting that as an answer.

ive come to question myself about a lot of things. what with being 21, i guess its time to think about life as a whole. and after thinking through it all, ive come to the conclusion that i dont think this year is going to be any better than anything. age, is just a number after all.

ive heard about friends who think they won't make it past june, ive known of people who, knowing they may not survive past a certain period of time that seems to be drawing so much closer every day, and yet they smile and laugh like nothing can burst their bubble.

and yet on the other hand, here i am. not sure what to do, not sure what's ahead. not even sure if i can accept my future when it comes along. there's a lot in my future that's pretty uncertain. and there are parts of it, that if it comes true, are unacceptable.

strange, i can seem to solve or guess problems amongst my friends. i just cant solve my own.

well. its been a long time since i wrote something here. its been a long time since i felt the desire to write anything, or talk about anything. rest assured i'm okay. still alive, all body parts intact.

a lot has happened this past month. ups, and downs. ive missed out on a lot of things i deeply regret, but its too late now. i guess you can say ive been MIAing from almost everything. almost no one has seen me in the past month. ive stopped reading blogs, stopped blogging in general. dont ask me why, i dont know.

since the last post, i havent actually read the comments on my own blog. i havent read any blogs so i dont know whats going on with everyone, but i hope everyone's okay.

a lot has happened, ranging from me losing my handphone, to applying for uni, finding a job, quarrelling with the folks. time seems to have gone by and im staying still. to be honest i dont know if i want to move along with time.

i cant say i miss seeing you girls, because ive always been the one MIAing. ive always been the one skipping out on outings and skipping out on almost everything. i hope everyone's going on fine.

i guess my main reason for posting this is just to assure you guys im okay.

To everyone:

I’ve got something to confess. I’ve been acting like a jerk to all of you. I’ve told all of you stories about Matt that weren’t real. I’ve lied about certain things to different people. I manipulated with your feelings and told all of you one-sided stories just to make myself look good and to make him look like an ass.

Truth is, none of it is true. In the past when I told you Matt and I broke up, I twisted the story so badly that Matt became the jackass and I was the angel. That everything I did was right. That I was the one sacrificing to be with him, and that he did nothing for me. You may think I never said that, but it was implied.

Truth is, he’s given me more chances than I told you. Even time and again each time we broke up I begged him for another chance. I gave him empty promises about how I would change, about how I could be a better person. But behind his back, I backstabbed him, telling Shiyan and Calvin stories. I made him seem like he was the one at fault. That it was never me, and that I was the one giving him chances.

When Jaz and I got together, I neglected and ignored him. I threw him aside even though he was always a friend to me. My happiness meant more to me than his friendship. I was selfish and thought only about myself. But when Jaz and I broke up, he was the first one I looked for. And despite everything I’ve done towards him, he still helped me through it.

Even now, even today I haven’t learnt my lesson. I still continued lying to him and trying to cover up for those lies. I lied to all of you too. Sandy, Calvin, Shiyan: especially to you three. I told you once that I was raped but I really wasn’t. I was being a selfish brat trying to find attention.

Matt gave me many chances, and even though he did I never treasured it. I pretended to change because of him, because I didn’t want to lose him, but behind that I was always the same person. I’m a two-faced bitch, lying to everyone about everything.

I made Matt seem like the devil to all of you. I made all of you hate him and gang up against him, just so that I would feel good about myself.

I’m sorry to everyone. To all the lies I’ve told you. I’m sorry I’ve manipulated your feelings. I’m sorry I’ve used all of you. I’m sorry, especially to Matt, for tainting his image and turning him into something he’s not in everyone else’s eyes. I’m sorry Calvin and Shiyan, for making you believe me. For lying to all of you.


I'm truly, truly sorry.

im just back from the doctor's... let me first tell you what happened.


i was at a meeting with my boss and the rest, when suddenly this mirror dropped on my head. the mirror is a big mirror with a wooden frame, approximately those painting sized ones. it crashed right on the left side of my head.

everyone was stunned. they were all asking me if i was okay. everyone was worried. but i totally went numb... it hurt too badly for me to speak. at first i thought it was okay. i was pressing my hand to my head to numb the pain.

when i brought my hand away, there was blood all over my hands. a little blood started dripping down the side of my head. thats when i got worried. i started tearing a little, not because it hurt, but because i felt scared. head bleeding is never a good sign.

my boss sent me to the doctor. a general clinic below my house. she talked to me and told me funny stuff to make me feel better. then she just glue stitch to "repair" my head. she said there's a 1.5cm "split in my skull". i got stunned. i went "split in my WHAT~!?"

after that, now im back in the office. my head's throbbing a little, and it hurts quite a fair bit. my friends say i should go for an x-ray just to be sure. i'll see what my parents think.

still a little scared.

ive got my first pay. it's a total of... $1161. considering in holidays and weekends. literally wise i worked exactly 1 month. as in ive been sitting in this office for a FULL month. but realisitically speaking, because of leave and public holidays, ive actually been here for 1.5months. though some might say for 1.5 months 1161 is considered LITTLE. but den if u consider that ive only worked here 1 FULL month, and im supposed to be paid 1000 a month.. its a good deal for me =P

$_$

breathe.

breathe.

breathe and do nothing. breathe and wait. countdown... 3 weeks.

1 more month's magazine.

Finish Ace and Ray.

And then leave.

Leave knowing you regret nothing.

Leave knowing you've tried your hardest.

And leave knowing she'll never understand.

nothing i do is right. thank goodness Love's always there to make me feel better ^^

its strange how 3 words can make me happy for so long. even thinking about it now makes me tingly and happy inside.

i guess in a way because you dont expect it from someone like him, so when it does happen, it makes you feel good inside. it was really unexpected.. especially from him. it's those things you'll normally say (for some), that you'll feel there is no significance in it. but ive grown away from those things. until when suddenly something like that pops up, from him no less, you cant help but feel super happy.

and no for those who are wondering, those 3 words arent "i love you".

strange, but the one comment written on my blog made me post this. yes strange.

ever heard of the saying you dont miss it until its gone? heard of uncertainties you'll never understand, secrets you can never bear to tell anyone.

afraid of what someone might see you as, afraid they'll treat you differently?

i thought i changed. maybe i did. i used to be worried about how others saw me that i failed to see who i was. but now im starting to wonder if a self-fulfilling prophecy is coming true. someone once told me he saw himself in me, a smaller younger version.

i wanted to believe it then. because he was my friend. but now truth be told im afraid of turning into him. because he hurt me more than almost anyone could. and although i dont cry for him, nor do i yearn for him anymore, i do not want to turn into whoever he is.

but there are symptoms i cannot deny. ive neglected my family. somewhat i've neglected a few of my friends. ive hidden things from the world. and now most importantly, i have no inclination to make anything right.

perhaps its just my feelings thats affecting me. maybe ive really changed. only time will tell. in a certain extent i like who i am. but in another direction, i hate it. i like it because i care less about what others think of me, that i can see who i am by myself.

if you really knew me, you'd know 3 things about me.

1. i never say no to a challenge.
2. i protect my friends.
3. i never give up.

all that, when i think about it now, is more or less a facade. maybe its because i do to others what i hope they'll one day do for me. i stay strong and i try to lead, only because i dont want to. if im considered leader quality, it was because i was made one. but deep down inside i'd prefer nothing more than to have someone steer the way for me.

to have someone tell me exactly what to do, and where to go.

a rose for a day that everyone says
a star for a moment to come
a heart for a memory that wont go away
a dream for the future yet to become

a hug for the friends far far away
a goodbye to those who have yet to go
a smile for the the ones who chose to stay
a kiss for the one who knows


something a friend wrote in her blog (Okay it was a comment) struck me as strange.

friendship seems to be a very interesting word. everyone has different groups of friends, some more some less.

in my life i guess you can say i have a.. considerable amount of friends.

xiu, phy, san - my poly friends who have stuck with me at the worst points of my life. who we've seen happy, sad, stressed, crazy and almost any other emotion. we've gotten backstabbed together, spread gossips among each other, and been there (at least i think we have) for each other.

i dont deny that at times we might have seemed like horrible friends. i remember in year 1 when we were arguing about groupmates. the whole phy+shen, me+jan thing. until now i feel really guilty that i didnt notice what we were doing to xiu subconsciously.

but im glad that after everything, our group dynamics changed so much. but maybe i prefer it this way. i didnt pick the wrong friends to make in poly :)

aloy, ruth, sophia, joy, joseph, windi, kaifon, szeyuan, bernice - at some point we all got thrashed together, panicked together, and it became amazing how we still survived it all. right now as im typing this you're having your AGM, and im really sorry i couldnt be there. but the club will go on. even if not physically. in spirit it's made a great impact on me. and i can only hope that i fulfilled my duties when i was still in the committee.

kristy - the longest friend i've ever had. since sec 1. (okay we didnt talk in sec 2 BUT HEY I KNEW SHE EXISTED!!!) she's really the only one i can say that knows everything about me. and although we dont meet often i know she'll always be there for me. we've gone through too much la.

terrance, jasper, vincent, rayyen, calvin, shiyan, kenneth - the only ones i feel i can share anything with. i'd say without a doubt that this year has been the worst year of my life (2008). but its in this year that i met all of them. one broke my heart, but 6 managed to mend it. even now it doesnt matter what the real reason is. i really dont care anymore. especially calvin and shiyan, who have been there since april, i owe you two a lot. its strange how we're so close YET in fact we've never met. strange how i feel like i already know you so well. vince and ray, you two surprisingly know me well enough. even though i say nothing, somehow you two can tell im hurt. somehow you knew what to say. and for that thank you. you pulled me through the ending half of the year.

Liting - this girl, somehow intrigues me. even though i only know her for such a short while, i chose to trust her. and i never regretted it.

and of course,

Matt - there's just too much to say. i guess i tried everything. i tried loving him, tried hating him. just to make myself better. NOTE: DIDNT WORK. there's just something about matt that no one else can seem to have. it's not a physical presence, or his way of speaking. something about him just makes me trust him. it's his character, something about him.



what's my path now? i dont know. writing this just reminds me how many friends i really have. and ive realised that i make friends based on 1 criteria. the The most important to me. Trust. it's not the physical trust that you know they wouldnt betray your secrets. its beyond that. its knowing that at anytime, you can trust them to stand by you. ive told many this, that despite how much anyone hurts me, how much my heart can ache, and although i fight with so many people on so many occasions, if anyone of the above call me for help, i'd go in a heartbeat. it doesnt matter where or when or even what. it doesnt matter if they were wrong. as long as they need my support, i'd be there. no questions asked. im the kind of person that tries my best to protect my friends, even if it hurts me its okay.

my mum used to ask me "who would protect you if you needed it?" i never gave her an answer. not because i dont expect anyone to do it for me. i dont want anyone to suffer on my account.

its strange how friendships can create such a strong bond that goes beyond explanation. and strangely, how they started out. all of them started out for stupid reasons.

xiu phy - wanted to run away frm meiling so we just kinda grouped ourselves to be away from her

san - ly's group politics

kristy - we were the only 2 from the same class that went into sec 3 together.

online friends needless to say, meet online as a reason is stupid enough haha.

but strangely, these group of friends made me feel at home. they made me feel like someone.


so to all my good friends out there, for those who have seen me at the worst possible moments, thank you. for always being there.

*and on a side note my mum says i dont have many friends. == looking at the list i'd say i dont have too many, but i have enough. and anyway, i'd rather 5 close friends i can look for, than 50 that i dont know who i can trust. to me, those aren't friends. they're just acquaintences.

oh and btw i WATCHED PONYO PONYO! its not that bad really. but kinda like a little mermaid thing. though i prefer ponyo. at least ponyo's cute. like she does these little cute things that kids would do.

i still prefer twilight xD hahaha

work's starting to cool down. maybe because ive gotten used to it. wont say that i like the job or not: to me its just work. nothing more nothing less.

i feel like something's missing. but hey its friday! FRIDAY FINALLY! == i can sleep late tonight and not worry about waking up tomorrow YAY~!!!!

still got to buy CNY clothes.. i'll prob do it online =(

oh yes as a side note, i watched a lot of movies the past week. here's my take on them.

7 pounds: not bad for a will smith show. unexpected ending, kinda touching. considerably quite worth watching.

lady cop and papa crook: ehh.. no comments about this one. plot's on an OKOK basis, but KIINNNDA lame.

transporter 3: very good. loved the show.

ponyo ponyo: song irritated me too much to actually watch the show. ==

bedtime stories: innovative, creative idea. but sadly not imposed well enough. nice theory, but lame storyline. if it was based on a more serious tone, it would have been better.

twilight: personally i loved twilight. maybe its the vampire thing that i have a soft spot for. so far i havent hated a vampy show. loved this show A LOT. really good plot, not bad actors. but i seriously loved the show. it gave me inspiration to finish my two stories, Angels and Blood Tears.

IP MAN: and no its not pronounced I.P. Man, and its not short for internet protocol man (though that'll be a cool title for a hacking movie). nice show. a little biased towards the japanese end, but accurate otherwise. loved it. a lot.

BOLT: cute show. bolt seriously cute. xiu u would LOVE bolt. 100%. plot's not too bad too. really funny.


and can u believe, i watched all these in 2 weeks with 1 person LOL. amazing isnt it. my favs so far were ipman and twilight. ^^

okok IM BLOGGING! some stuff happened to me recently. i shant go into details but its really frustrating.

ok on 2nd thoughts i will go into detail.

ive been working for about 2 weeks, see. its quite hectic cos i have to write a lot of articles. especially since the editor himself isnt around, im rushing to write most of the februrary issue. and its quite a lot. and because im so engrossed in writing, i dont notice my phone. now is that unnatural? no.

but my parents tend to sms me, and upon not replying, they spam sms. example: my mum smsed me 5 times, the EXACT same message. and my dad msges me like this.

1. coming home for dinner?
2. coming home for dinner? (2nd sms)

and so on. it really pisses me off. like seriously. when im at home and not working they ask me to go out more, to spend more time on related things. now that im working they're complaining low pay, complaining that i dont reply sms. and recently ive been going out more often. yes i admit ive been coming home later den usual. but since im working and have no time to go out, isnt it at least justified that i stay out later when i can? apparently NOT.

NEVERMIND.

what got me really pissed off was a combination of all these things. im trying to be independent, to survive on my own, but they just wont let me. strangely enough i dont feel trapped, i dont feel like im stuck. maybe its meant to be this way. this tangle. or maybe my rebellious stage came late in my life.

i dont know.

im doing everything i can to make them happy, but they keep changing their minds. and they decide to pick on little things. like what i wear to work. when the company doesnt give a damn as long as im not going for any meetings.

look im turning 21 this year. i believe that's old enough.

~

away from the parent issue, work's been fine. cant go into detail, clauses and all that. but im getting used to the workload.

i miss being online. but for now its still okay. hanging out with good friends after work makes it justified.

though im tired, and really sick of all the shit im swimming in. its making me feel less and less again. but at least, it's during work. i dont have to feel anything.

~

there's so many things i want to say. but not now. not here.