found this on my sis' blog.. dunno why i gg to do it.

1) At what age do you wish to marry?
i dont know. marriage to me seems so far away still. i know i want to in the end. but to me marriage is like a sacred treasure that im just not ready for.

2) Study hard or play hard?
if possible, i'd rather a combination of both. i cant play hard knowing i didnt study, and its not as fun playing if you didnt work your ass off to get here in the first place. so rather than picking one, its more like... "study hard, so you can play even harder".

3) Who is the person you trust the most?
i have a few people i trust the most, one of which is my dearest friend kristy. she's been through everything with me. i also know i can trust matthew, even as a friend. back when we first met, we could tell each other anything, and it was because i trusted him that made me this way.

4) Do you think you have enough confidence?
No. I'm a paranoid person, who's trying to get over my cases of severe-paranoism, if only they didnt always turn out right. So i guess confidence is... relative depending on what you're trying to achieve.

5) If you can have a dream, what would it be?
i stopped having dreams many years ago. dreams to me meant that it wont ever happen. my dreams, no my goals, will come true. dreams are meant to remain dreams, just like myths and legends. if you believe strongly enough, you'll get just where you want to be.

6) Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Yes. After you're sad and emotional, everything always seems a lot better when you put it into perspective. It took me a while to get to this stage, but it's all a part of life. knowing that it hurts you more than anything, and knowing that you're strong enough to move on. my rainbow used to be knowing that they'll get what they deserve in the end, and knowing i'll do it on my own. but now, it's just knowing that i know i could hurt them if i wanted to.

7) What is your goal for this year?
my goal for this year is the same as any other. go through life, and become a stronger person. i dont think im weak now, but i know that unless i grow stronger, i can never be free. i know how this world works, i know my intuition is right. i just need the courage to follow it.

8) Do you believe in eternity love?
Maybe, but i have yet to see it.

9) Have you broken someone's heart that he/she tried to commit suicide?
No, but someone has broken my heart that I tried to commit suicide, almost. Then i realised why give him the pleasure, instead choosing to haunt him and prove that i can live on without him.

1o) What feeling do you love the most?
The feeling of exhiliration and thrill, adrenaline pumping in your veins. The rush of speed and the touch of glory.

11) What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
I can live with almost any kind of guy. Physically or characteristically. My requirements simply means that he learns it on his own. If i tell him my requirements it just makes him try to fulfill it, and i feel no emotion if he does. But if he fulfills it without knowing what it is, then it means something to me.

12) What feeling do you hate the most?
Inferiority. I hate the feeling of knowing im inferior and i'm on the losing end. It just makes me want to fight even harder to prove that even with the absence of physical ranks, its still possible to win.

13) Do you cherish every friendship of yours?
No. I've been used enough to know not to be naive and cherish every friendship. I cherish the ones that mean something to me, the ones that have gone through life and death with me. In short, i cherish the ones that know that if I had to kill them, even if they did nt know the reason, they would know that i have a reason for it, and understand and not blame me. Because these are the friends that i would go through life and death for, and i know that they'll do the same for me.

14) What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
The fact that knowing one day my life will end, and until then i strive to attain everything i can. I will not go down without a fight.

15) Who do you hope to be always there for you?
I dont hope for people to be there for me. I only hope to know who i can trust and who i cant. Many people will be there for you, it's only a matter of whether their advice is true to their intentions.

16) Do you believe in God?
No. I do believe there's someone out there watching over us, but as much as controlling our lives, maybe not so. Our lives are created the moment our names are given and we are born. Because of that, we cant control our lives either. But... I dont believe in a God because i know i have a control over my own life. my decisions make me who i am. as long as i can kill myself when i want to, no one can control my life.

17) Who is your best friend?
Kristy, without a doubt. She's already been there for me for almost 7 years now...

18) Who cares for you the most?
I wish I knew. Maybe im too selfish i dont see what people have put in for me... but i know there are people who care for me out there. People like aloy who watched over me despite everything else, people like matthew who knew what i felt, but only he was a friend enough to tell it to my face. People like Kristy, who was always there for me. People like Xiu, Phy and San... who would give me both their ears and a shoulder if i needed. Not to mention my sis, who apparently has grown up more than i ever thought.

19) Who do you love most?
myself. if you cant love even yourself, then you cant love anyone else.

the path i have to go towards is clear. i now know what i want. after thinking about it for one day straight, i finally know what i intend to do. i thank kristy and shiko, two of whom could listen to me. each time im riding this rollercoaster i feel ups and downs, i feel happiness, then pain. its this never-ending cycle that i never thought i would have to go through again.

but now my head is clear, my mind is set. i know what i intend to do, i know how to move forward. and because of that, i can be strong for you. before this, i didnt know what to think, i didnt know what i was going to do. but now i know.. i know what i must do. like you said, i'll support you, and i'll be strong for you.

i dont know if this road will start again, or if this road will end... but either way... i know how i want it to end. now it's just a matter of fantasy and reality.

i've finally found the motivation to start my exercise regime... eating less now (not that im forcing myself not to eat, just lost my apetite...) and starting my exercise regime.. not easy to maintain, but i'll get it anyway... ive already lost quite a bit of weight =D maintaining it was kinda the problemmm...=x

graduation has come and gone before i even knew it... and now all that's left are memories of the past 3 years. the pain, the suffering, and not to forget the happiness. the estacy of finishing a project, the jubilation of knowing that when you're about to fall, your friends are there to catch you. at one point in time or another, we all quarrelled with each other... but that only made us realise who our real friends are.



and it was because of them that i decided to go for graduation...





graduation 2008... made us seem like we were gathering for the best reasons ever.. but in fact i felt nothing different. after all, people like xiu and phy i meet almost every week or so... so what's the big deal in it? i guess friends-wise i felt no different from any other day...


me and xiu were sitting 2 chairs apart from each other... and we kept communications through SMSes... talking about how some people didnt look like they were smiling, about the speech and everything else. likewise the speech made me feel absolutely nothing. maybe it was the speaker, maybe it was the speech, i dont know. but the speech felt fake to me. all those memories they spoke of, made me think how hypocritical it all is... but maybe its just me unable to let all those things go.
phyllis... happy as a bird! she got us all in the mood of taking photographs, insisting that it'll be the last time we'll be in school... flapping her "wings" around like some kind of eagle. i can see why she's happy... but for the same reasons i cant exactly feel happy.

sandy and fitri... that day was their 2 year anniversary... hard to imagine that it's already been two years since then... hahaha. sandy was so happy when fit wanted to take a picture with her. she was almost jumping around...

me and fauzia... it's a little blur but the only picture i have with fauzia. she was one of the reasons i decided to go for graduation...

me and sandy and the end of the ceremony~ we were looking for xiuzhi and decided not to wait for her. i signed up for SP alumni... at least made me feel as though i havent really left yet...

me and weiting... it was a coincidence we managed to have the same slot. weiting was there at one of the most important points in my life in SP... both at the highest (KTC) and the lowest... because of that, although we never really met through the trip... we became quite close AFTERwards...

shawn phyllis and sandy... hahaha. half of the people that have been through a lot of problems and projects together... felt kind of good seeing them altogether.

phyllis and her parents. this was a sideway shot.. but i think it turned out pretty nice. =D

it was only after that that tezuka messaged me asking me where i was. he came down with teck wee to find me. =)

tezuka and me... i hope everything works well for him... especially with the club. was kinda sad to hear that he fractured his arm... tezuka kun... dont stress yourself out too much... these kinda things just take one step at a time. i know its harder now with the "tenshi" involved, but... you'll get through it. i believe in you ^^ shinjite ne~

farhan and tezuka... another that was there during the highest point in my life (KTC). he wasnt graduating but we happened to see him there~ lols

---

Since we're talking about this... i'll write a list of things that i loved and hated in my life at SP.

Xiuzhi, Phyllis and Sandy
These girls have been through everything with me, especially xiuzhi and phyllis, who have stuck with me since year 1 despite all the rubbish we've been through. all the quarrels and all the project stress made us all irritated with one another at some time... but the birthday parties, chalets and all those happy times definitely made up for it.

Tezuka, Sophia, Joy, Ruth, Joseph, Windi
The new committee of Singapore Polytechnic Student Exchange Club... good luck guys. Sophia, Joy, Windi, i have had the opportunity to work with you guys during ANCT, and i loved every moment of it! Tezuka, Joseph & Ruth, i've been working with you three for one year now, and despite whatever you may think, i know you can do it.. because to me you've already done it before. Just keep a cool head and you can do anything, I know it.

Hiryuu, Weiting
You two are the closest two I made friends with during KTC... and because of different reasons I will never forget you two. Hiryuu, you were there at the worst point in my life, when i couldn't move on you were there to help me and talk me through it. Weiting, you were there when i needed someone to talk to: your constant support meant more to me than anything.

Lecturers
I dont know if Ms Kwa you'll read this... but if you do, please extend my thanks to all my lecturers... without all of you i wouldn't have made it this far, neither would i have known what i was good at. Thank you all of you~

SPSEC Members
To all the members of SPSEC, thanks to all of you. I've made good friends to some of you... thank you.

Grace, Ms Angel, Mrs Lim, Helmi
Especially to the four of you, thank you for all you've done for the club. Especially to Mrs Lim, who I've worked with more often than anyone. I can daresay that you knew me more than any teacher, that you saw me more than anyone ever did. Grace, for everything you've done for us, thank you. Ms Angel and Helmi, although i've never had much of an opportunity to work with you, i'm sure you'll bring the club to brighter heights. Please dont kill Aloysius ^^

Kaifon, Peiwen, Szeyuan
You three have taught me all I knew about the club. It was because of you three that made me who I am today. I was able to lead because you taught me how, and I hoped that I did it to the best of my ability.

When you look at the big picture, you dont notice anything. But when i think about the small things, the small landmarks in my life SP has given me a chance to do.

1. Meeting Principal Low Wong Fook
2. Meeting Principal Tan Heng Cheong
3. Going to Miyazaki in 2005
4. Going to Kanazawa in 2007
5. Internship at Mediacorp
6. Leadership Training Camp/Cruise in 2006
7. A chance to test my leadership skills
8. Meeting friends like Xiuzhi and Phyllis and Sandy (SHAWN EVEN!)

And so many more things that SP has given me a chance to see, visit, or experience. Thank you. I leave SP with good memories, but I know that as longa s i'm an alumni, i will never truly leave SP.

Thank you.

**as for what i hate... i dont really hate anything anymore. because i know that people that i hated, people that i detested and fought over... they made me stronger too**

To these people (Lydia, Nicholas, Andrew and so many more), remember that it was you that made me who i am today. i fought back because it was you. it was not to prove that i was weak, or to prove that i was strong. rather, it was to prove that i was human. it did not matter to me whether or not you care that you've been a part of my life.. but it was my hatred for you, that made me fight back,that made me who i am today. it made me strong, and taught me to fight for myself.

tomorrow's graduation. i dont know whether i feel happy or not that graduation day has arrived. maybe i just feel skeptical about the fact that tomorrow's not going to be one of those "hiii havent seen you in a long time" scenarios.

we'll see. im prepared to whack people with a stick! xD

anyway... i went out w my sis today.. i guess you can say we had a great time together. even if im really tired now but its okay... tomorrow's graduation i have to wake up EARLY!

oh yeah i dont know if i mentioned this before, because im too tired, but i had a haircut yesterday... feels really weird now.. i dont know im too used to my long hair. i cut it slightly shorter... definitely shorter than before, but still long... xD hmmms. what am i gg to do with it!?

today i went over to matt's place. we spent what i would call quality time together.. just lazing around for a few hours. i met his dad... kinda. hahahaha.

i bought my new wallet today!!! =D hahahahaha. its small, its red. and i love it! ^^

today was probably the best day of my life?

2am - talked to phy and planned party for sandy.. didnt really go as planned though... (at the same time, talking to new found official bf ^^)

9am - woke up. (CRAP IM LATE) hurried to bathe and get ready. apparently EVERYONE else was late too?

11am - met xiu at new york new york! ^^ we started writing letters before phyphy called to announce she's lost at millenia walk...

12nn - waiting for sandy...

1pm - sandy finally arrives, and party begins~ we got her a small chocolate cake, and sang her happy birthday. we initially intended to pay for her meal as well, and she was so shocked about that part! we hid our letters in her menu, so when she opened it everything fell out.

3pm - walked around suntec (sandy wanted to get some stuff for fit)... i left at about 4.30pm to meet matt.

4.30pm - met matt at sengkang... ^^ he got lost too~ hahahas. we went to yoshinoya (someone was hungry). we then headed off to this bench at sengkang to... supposedly watch initial D... but i was interrupted by a distress call from my sister. and its got me thinking as to how much of a failure of a sis i have been... maybe if i had told her my experiences, shared with her my life stories when i had them, maybe she wont be in this stage now... i just hope that everything turns out fine...

after that time became a... forgotten factor. we headed off to kovan, got 2 cans (the big ones) of baron strong beer, and headed off to this little park to watch initial d... to be honest i only drank about 1/2 of one can... and i got seriously high. matt was saying im so high i cant walk straight. and for a while there it really was true.

but it was sweet nonetheless... just sitting there rotting, listening to the songs his band played before... talking about how we came this way from online friends... mortal enemies online nonetheless... it was funny how he was telling me his friends wanted to meet me and all... its really starting to sink in now. im officially attached.

talking to him for the first time since being officially attached was an eye opener.. i mean for one i didnt have to look around and worry we'd be spotted. AND I FOUND WEAK SPOTS~~ BWAHAHAHAHA.

(and no, i dont have pics of him. DONT ASK XD)

it's really a special first date.. cos we did stupid things... made maggie noodles, ate them at the roadside... watched initial d... drank a little... played stupid things... hahahahaa. but was fun. especially getting woozy. everything in the world seemed so funny. hahaha.

hahahaha. let me tell you guys a good piece of news. erms... i know xiu and phy warned me about it... i know you had your misgivings and bad vibes. but either way... im attached now. =D hahaha.. its really weird the way it happened.. but it has ^^.

packing up my room made me feel like im starting all over again... and i kinda am. from scratch. =D

ok i imagine this to be a super long post! prior to this i never had the time, nor did i want to blog about anything. my life so far has been pretty... topsy turvy... but nothing too extreme. and no, i havent fallen off the roller coaster yet. (okay maybe after the end of this post, i might have fallen off)..

everything is happening in a millisecond. even as i type this winds can change. even i dont know what im talking about anymore. sometimes i wonder if im thinking right, whether everything im doing has a hidden meaning to it. i convince myself countless of times im not, because i know myself well enough: if i plan to do something for a hidden meaning, i would know what it is. i would plan it flawlessly, seamlessly, making sure that nothing would go wrong, before i act.

even as i type this i constantly ask myself what im doing. im fighting a huge battle against myself... a battle i dont know whether i want to win or not. either way, someone's going to get hurt. either way, things will change. i dont know if im doing this for myself, or for the "better good". for once, even i dont know what i want.

i'll be meeting the girls this... saturday. depending on the situation i think i'll wait the 6 days out. not because i want to have false hopes. but rather because i dont want to kill myself thinking that i THOUGHT once.

i dont even know what im thinking anymore. for once i want the answers there for me, for me to cheat and copy. but especially at this time, i have to think for myself what i want...

ok now this post seems short.

i dont feel like writing anymore.

heck i dont even feel like publishing it.

woots~ its a mixture of excitement and... well... confusion. but now whats very much focused on my mind is the fact that i need to get a job. its never hit me hard enough, but now i know thats what i really want.

so i'll start looking, and hopefully soon i can find something i like.

"you have to make your own mistakes"

i've heard that more than enough.

been out the past 1.5 weeks. my mind's slowly starting to settle, though there are still a few bugs in brain. but im sure as time goes by i'll settle those too. we'll see.

i went blading today... was fun cept i REALISED im seriously in need of exercising... plus the blades tore a hole in one of my legs, and a bubble in the other. NEVERMIND i'll wear stockings~ anything is possible!

a few problems have arouse in my life, nothing i regret, nothing i dont want happening to happen. but needless to say there are a few minor bumps in the road... wonder how the "hurricane" in my life will pass? xiu had hers a while back, and it was a breeze. my hurricane, though in reason has nothing in common to xiu's... but still somewhat i predict a major one... nothing tsunami style, but at least.. twister style...

phy already knows about it... xiu knows a little. sandy so far knows nothing. im hoping the girls wont "share information" because i wanna tell them all at one shot. but... i have to wait. there's a time and place it has to be done... and the 24th might not be the right time/place... im sure u all will understand in time to come. i promise i'll give you a full-length, DETAILED explanation.

so much has been on my mind, going through my life lately, that i dont see the missing links. but im enjoying every moment of it, and i love each second that passes.

even if the thunder and lightning were to strike right here, right now, i'll be okay with it. i've already gone through everything in life... ive already seen all i want to see. i know my dreams exist somewhere.. and i've finally found that place.

I think i'm going to do a major outlook change on my blog when i have time... but now i shall write a new wishlist..

1. a new lappie




VAIO VGN-CR23G... i am looking at these 3 colors... the white looks like a mac. i dont want a fake mac. i think the stats on these are pretty cool. i want a new lappie because i have a gut feeling this one is dying soon.. poor hikari.




MAC. after looking at my sis' and fren's mac.. im very tempted to get one... its not as hard to use as i thought... and it looks nice white. but... hmmmm... guess i'll look into it more...





2. New HP

I'm not looking very into this yet, because mine still works, but the temptation is there. i want a flip phone this time, i dont know why lols. xD stil looking into this.


3. New camera


anyone who knows me well knows my camera is like dying... and i want to replace it. but cameras i have 2 criteria..


1. i dont want it to be too idiot-proof, i want something that i can manually play around with... has macro and all those functions so i can take better shots.


2. it has to be weatherproof, better if waterproof as well. this is simple cos i travel quite a lot and if its not weatherproof i dont feel safe bringing it overseas especially in japan... i saw a few cameras belonging to my friends dying... so im not taking any risks.

so because of this, im looking into sony cameras or olympus cameras... right now im slanting more towards the sony cams...


4. new wallet


i want something sleek and small that i can put in my pockets... not the stupid chunky one i have now lols.

5. JLPT 1

this ive made 1 step towards... lessons beginning soon~ cant wait!

6. Driving license

i'll start this as soon as i start work =D


things like these are added to jeans (which i need)... and a few other stuffs... but this is what i need for now.

a long time ago someone told me i was someone who knew right from wrong, who could tell the difference from the darkness and the light. i was someone, who thought up evil thoughts, who loved the idea of rebellion, who wanted nothing else but to be different.

but thinking it, and doing it later on, is two totally different things. you can say your an evil mastermind, but that just really means you have no guts to do anything. you never realise that you have no guts, until one fine day, you cross the line. the line you've subconsciously set for yourself, you cross. and what for, you dont even know.

you try to hold on to your dignity, you try to tell yourself that at least... nothing worse happened. but you know, deep inside, you're guilty. you know deep inside, you want to escape, to just run away where no one will care and leave everything else behind.

the desire for speed suddenly is rushing back to me, i remember the adrenaline when i ran for the school: the cheers, the glory and the fame meant nothing to me. it was the rush that meant so much to me. the feeling of knowing that i did the best i could, and that i nearly flew.

i dont know what else to think. i guess in the end i have to ask myself, who i really am. who i can be. but the thought of it. will kill me. i know it.

but ive decided. if thats the case. then let me die. let me die knowing i lived, let me die knowing i loved. let me die, knowing i lived without regrets.

~

some things no one will understand.
some things no one will know.
others, believe but never see.
and because of that, i cry.

what started as a friendship
crumbled as fast as it started.
for a reason i know
but reasons have become worthless.

three words tore my heart
from a friend i've lost it all
and this time, its out of my control..

so goodbye.
goodbye because you said so
goodbye only because i respect you
if this is the way you want it to be.
then i have no choice but to accept it.

im starting to feel insignificant all over again. well good news is... hmmmm there isnt much good news is there?

i feel like giving up on everything, just walking away and let life go past. because i've realised nothing lasts forever... each moment, each day will go away, and suddenly nothing seems to last.

but the more i want to detach myself, the more i find i cant. but all the things that have been happening recently have made me feel that... well... haiiii... its been a long road.

i'll just have to move on and face the future bravely. who knows what lies ahead?

some things today made me realise that i... i cant really control myself anymore. i cried, for what seemed like the silliest thing. but recently i cant help but feel that... its kinda my fault. so yeah. i cried. even though everyone is telling me its not my fault. even though everyone is telling me its okay. i cant live with myself.

i dont know what this means or what im trying to say... but if somewhere, somehow you're reading this. im really sorry.

recently its been weird. like... i have this odd feeling like i'm forgetting something. i feel as though... i know tomorrow's friday. i know i dont have work. but i keep feeling like there's smething i need to do...

this irrational fear i figure is caused by my lack of job.. or something to do. i guess it gets a little weird knowing i need the cash but yet i cant get a job i want. a FT job cant be rushed. im not going to agree to go to.. say.. TUAS.. to get a job. no way..

i think i'm falling sick soon... my brain doesnt seem to work as fast as it used to. i cant seem to get the power or energy to think up things, and im getting more... affected by my surroundings.

i guess maybe my "time to shine" hasnt arrived yet..