my mind is settled.
my brain convinced.
my body agrees,
BUT!
my heart still refuses to listen. and that's usually the part i listen to. its stupid, its ridiculous, and yet i know im not going to give up. im just afraid that my imagination is starting to play tricks on me, and that i'm falling into a pithole. ive dug a shallow grave once, and now my imagination is digging a deeper one, giving me memories of things that i knew never happened.
the fine line between my fantasy and my reality is starting to warp, until i know there is going to be one day, one fine day, i will end up believing it. because i can no longer differentiate what's a memory and what's just a fantasy.
and if i cant stop it soon, if i dont stop my imaginations, if i cant darken and straighten that line out... soon, i will have really plunged into my own world, where only i exist, where only my imagination gives me what i want. its scary, because now every memory i have, i have to think... is this really a memory?
thinking back to japan... thinking of going back... its going to bring back even more memories, even more painful memories. it's going to hurt going back. and i know it will. too many happy memories were made there... even memories that i had imagined. too many.
but even if it will hurt, i have to go back. because something tells me there's something for me there. i need to go back because i need to know something.
my heart feels heavy now.. because its broken into so many pieces that i cant pick up even if i watned to. because its broken and torn into a million shards, many of which have faded into the ground.
ive lost my sanity, my humanity. im living on my imagination, my memories. because those are the happy times. i dont see a light shining ahead of me... i want to go back and stop time, and play those scenes over and over again. even thinking back brings the long-lost smile back to my face.
in front, i see darkness. behind, i feel the warmth. i want the past back.
but i know, no matter how hard i want it, i cant have it.
i can only have it in my imagination. but with each lie, with each imagination, everything seems so real.. i really dont know what's real and what's not anymore...
am i really here? am i really existing? or is that just an illusion too?
the more i think about it... the more my life seems to sink into my own illusions.
ive dug a deep hole. and this time, i dont think i can come out that easily. the hole's too deep to jump out.
this time.. this time... i've killed myself. i've killed my physical self so that i could live in an illusion.. because my illusions are now the only place where i can continue to exist, and continue to dream. this body is no longer mine: they're just a puppet of my now eternal illusion.
appropriate blog add, now that i think about it...
Nov 16, 2007
Nov 14, 2007
You really never realise the time passing by. All you can do is look forward, and hope that everything will be okay. You never fail to notice the time, because it alawys moves. It’s already Wednesday, and yet I feel like I’m stuck in yesterday. Recently I had found the time somewhere to do a lot of thinking… I can’t call it profound thinking, but I’ve understood quite a lot of things. The fact that during this period of internship, I don’t miss certain people. Proves to me that I can forget them, that I can live without them.
No, before you ask me, I’m not talking about him. I’m talking about the hypocrites I can call classmates, those that at this point in time somehow make merry with the rest. Somehow, they could forget the past, forget the past 2 years. Well, I can’t. and I never will.
Yesterday I had the chance to talk to Desmond (yes my ex Desmond). He hasn’t really changed much, except for his craving for Naruto which at this point in time is stronger than my own. I ugess I just don’t have the energy to watch anything anymore. Working in mediacorp is fun, but tiring. Although its rewarding, I cant deny that it’s very tiring. Each day I get up, and by the end of the day I’m ready to go to bed. I can even forgo MSN every few days.
Like I said, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I have come to a conclusion: I’ve changed. So many factors in my life have not, rather it is me. Gone were the days that I could fully be happy… for some reason I’m constantly brooding about things nowadays.
Thank goodness I can get my mind off these crap when I’m working.
Oh yeah.. congrates to sam, who did very well for his project presentation. You couldn’t have done it without me xD hahaha.
My parents have said that now, children no longer need typing lessons. And I guess its true. Technology has played that big a part in our lives that its no longer necessary. It’s more prominent at work, when you see people from various walks of life, you realise how much your past helps you become who you are today… in my case… a very very emo person. But not to the extent of suicide. Not yet anyway.
I love the group of people I’m working with. Liting, who helps me with everything… Grace who’s funny and cheerful all the time… Benny, my damn cool boss… Selena… my witty and happy-go-lucky contact person… as well as the others whom I haven’t gotten much chance to work with yet… azril… who showed me the web team, and constantly asks me to burn things for him xD … and finally Pam… who I don’t know much because i haven’t gotten a chance to work with her yet…
Then also there’s my lunch buddies… Joachim, jeremiah and Olivia…
But all in all, I still miss SP a hell load… the people I want to see there… the people I already am starting to miss… especially my clubhouse! Haii.. I miss SP so damn much.
No, before you ask me, I’m not talking about him. I’m talking about the hypocrites I can call classmates, those that at this point in time somehow make merry with the rest. Somehow, they could forget the past, forget the past 2 years. Well, I can’t. and I never will.
Yesterday I had the chance to talk to Desmond (yes my ex Desmond). He hasn’t really changed much, except for his craving for Naruto which at this point in time is stronger than my own. I ugess I just don’t have the energy to watch anything anymore. Working in mediacorp is fun, but tiring. Although its rewarding, I cant deny that it’s very tiring. Each day I get up, and by the end of the day I’m ready to go to bed. I can even forgo MSN every few days.
Like I said, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I have come to a conclusion: I’ve changed. So many factors in my life have not, rather it is me. Gone were the days that I could fully be happy… for some reason I’m constantly brooding about things nowadays.
Thank goodness I can get my mind off these crap when I’m working.
Oh yeah.. congrates to sam, who did very well for his project presentation. You couldn’t have done it without me xD hahaha.
My parents have said that now, children no longer need typing lessons. And I guess its true. Technology has played that big a part in our lives that its no longer necessary. It’s more prominent at work, when you see people from various walks of life, you realise how much your past helps you become who you are today… in my case… a very very emo person. But not to the extent of suicide. Not yet anyway.
I love the group of people I’m working with. Liting, who helps me with everything… Grace who’s funny and cheerful all the time… Benny, my damn cool boss… Selena… my witty and happy-go-lucky contact person… as well as the others whom I haven’t gotten much chance to work with yet… azril… who showed me the web team, and constantly asks me to burn things for him xD … and finally Pam… who I don’t know much because i haven’t gotten a chance to work with her yet…
Then also there’s my lunch buddies… Joachim, jeremiah and Olivia…
But all in all, I still miss SP a hell load… the people I want to see there… the people I already am starting to miss… especially my clubhouse! Haii.. I miss SP so damn much.
Nov 13, 2007
its a good thing im so tired recently. because now that i am, i dont have time to think about anything. when i come home, instead of simply checking if he's online... i've lost the interest to talk because i know i need to go off soon.
even my sats are packed full until i feel like crap.
i dont want to think about him anymore. i dont want to bother anymore. because there's nothing more. there never was. its now more obvious than ever.
oh well.
i need sleep. the lack of sleep is making me very very emo. and ive been told im not always so emo. apparently there was a point in time i was happy. just cant seem to remember that time...
even my sats are packed full until i feel like crap.
i dont want to think about him anymore. i dont want to bother anymore. because there's nothing more. there never was. its now more obvious than ever.
oh well.
i need sleep. the lack of sleep is making me very very emo. and ive been told im not always so emo. apparently there was a point in time i was happy. just cant seem to remember that time...
is it wrong to feel happy over others' misery? knowing that you, at this point in time, are better off?
im not even talking about friends, or work, or anything of that sort. recently a man has been shouting curse words below my flat... i believe its abuse of some sort. guess it really made me think that at least.. i dont have an abusive family. yes im self-abusive, thats one thing... but family? at least at home, in my room, i feel safe.
its like, i imagine if i were on the receiving end of all those words... i probably would have broken down. thats how fights start. but i guess, if that were the case, id probably be stronger than i am now. maybe that would have been better.
recently i guess you can say im feeling a little.. confused. what with everything going on here and there. its not a matter of priority... but i find myself unable to control my thoughts. we're drifting away, i know that for a fact, and yet.. I DONT KNOW. GRR! damn im pissed with myself.
it hurts more than any painkiller can relief. i really need pain to counter my pain. and once again ive started on the road to no return. damn me. i hate myself.
im not even talking about friends, or work, or anything of that sort. recently a man has been shouting curse words below my flat... i believe its abuse of some sort. guess it really made me think that at least.. i dont have an abusive family. yes im self-abusive, thats one thing... but family? at least at home, in my room, i feel safe.
its like, i imagine if i were on the receiving end of all those words... i probably would have broken down. thats how fights start. but i guess, if that were the case, id probably be stronger than i am now. maybe that would have been better.
recently i guess you can say im feeling a little.. confused. what with everything going on here and there. its not a matter of priority... but i find myself unable to control my thoughts. we're drifting away, i know that for a fact, and yet.. I DONT KNOW. GRR! damn im pissed with myself.
it hurts more than any painkiller can relief. i really need pain to counter my pain. and once again ive started on the road to no return. damn me. i hate myself.
Nov 12, 2007
Nov 11, 2007
dont say things that you dont mean. dont give me empty promises, hoping that i didnt mean a single word. dont give me empty promises, thinking that i wont do it, or cant.
because now that ive told you i want to.. now you tell me i cant. those words you said 2 months ago.. what were they? happy lies? words you said to make me feel happy just for that minute, thinking that there was hope? or words that you said to make the pain less significant, hoping that i would forget and move on?
because the pain is now more significant than ever.
you gave me hope, you gave me the chance to think that it wasn't over, that i would defninitely see her again. u gave me the strength to save and scrimp on my money, hoping that one day i would have enough to go back. every day now ive listened to itsumademo, and told myself that one day i'll be with yuka again.
now the pain's come back, and its come back at thrice the level. the penknife has been left there too long, and now the pain's back and its much worse.
the false hope you've given me for two months, it made me happy. and now, you tell me you've lied to me. never again.
never will i listen to each word that you say, and make myself believe that there was hope. because there never was.
i told you 2 months ago i was probably going back, you said okay. even when you knew it was probably just 3 guys, and me and another girl. now its 2 other girls, one of which knows the place quite well.
every argument u said, i could counter you. but you were never satisfied with the answer. and since you cant live with the answer i can give you, i wont give you anymore.
thats it. im going on a strike. both to save money, and both to remind me of what's happened.
im not going on this strike so you'd let me go. thats already passed. im going on this strike because u lied to me and because you gave me false hope. im going on this strike, because i've lost all respect for you.
if i didnt remind you of my allowance, heck you'd probably forget about it anyway.
each time i look, the penknife is starting to look more and more tempting, and yet im pushing it away. i wonder how long more can i continue to resist.
you claim you understand, but do you really? the only people who understand this urge to go back are those who've been there. have you?
i told you, they hosted me, they've seen me for 12 days. i need to go back.
you rebutted that you've been looking after me for 19 years.
but you dont undetstand... they're not my family. they have no obligation to look after me. you dont understand their culture... no one ever does until they've even been under an exchange programme. its true, no singapore family can offer that to me. japanese, though they rarely open their house to others, opened it to me, a complete stranger.
i will earn that 4k. i will prove you wrong. i will show u.. i have the money. i can go. and that the only thing that's stopping me, is not your word, but the fact that you're holding on to my passport.
i hate you. i hate you for lying to me. i hate you for giving me hope. and now, i cant even get myself to respect you anymore.
DONT EVER GIVE ME FALSE HOPE AGAIN. i will choose never to let you give me hope again. because i choose never to listen to you. because i choose never to talk to you ever again.
because now that ive told you i want to.. now you tell me i cant. those words you said 2 months ago.. what were they? happy lies? words you said to make me feel happy just for that minute, thinking that there was hope? or words that you said to make the pain less significant, hoping that i would forget and move on?
because the pain is now more significant than ever.
you gave me hope, you gave me the chance to think that it wasn't over, that i would defninitely see her again. u gave me the strength to save and scrimp on my money, hoping that one day i would have enough to go back. every day now ive listened to itsumademo, and told myself that one day i'll be with yuka again.
now the pain's come back, and its come back at thrice the level. the penknife has been left there too long, and now the pain's back and its much worse.
the false hope you've given me for two months, it made me happy. and now, you tell me you've lied to me. never again.
never will i listen to each word that you say, and make myself believe that there was hope. because there never was.
i told you 2 months ago i was probably going back, you said okay. even when you knew it was probably just 3 guys, and me and another girl. now its 2 other girls, one of which knows the place quite well.
every argument u said, i could counter you. but you were never satisfied with the answer. and since you cant live with the answer i can give you, i wont give you anymore.
thats it. im going on a strike. both to save money, and both to remind me of what's happened.
im not going on this strike so you'd let me go. thats already passed. im going on this strike because u lied to me and because you gave me false hope. im going on this strike, because i've lost all respect for you.
if i didnt remind you of my allowance, heck you'd probably forget about it anyway.
each time i look, the penknife is starting to look more and more tempting, and yet im pushing it away. i wonder how long more can i continue to resist.
you claim you understand, but do you really? the only people who understand this urge to go back are those who've been there. have you?
i told you, they hosted me, they've seen me for 12 days. i need to go back.
you rebutted that you've been looking after me for 19 years.
but you dont undetstand... they're not my family. they have no obligation to look after me. you dont understand their culture... no one ever does until they've even been under an exchange programme. its true, no singapore family can offer that to me. japanese, though they rarely open their house to others, opened it to me, a complete stranger.
i will earn that 4k. i will prove you wrong. i will show u.. i have the money. i can go. and that the only thing that's stopping me, is not your word, but the fact that you're holding on to my passport.
i hate you. i hate you for lying to me. i hate you for giving me hope. and now, i cant even get myself to respect you anymore.
DONT EVER GIVE ME FALSE HOPE AGAIN. i will choose never to let you give me hope again. because i choose never to listen to you. because i choose never to talk to you ever again.
hmm. i dont have much time left. i still havent asked my parents yet.. im counting the money right about now xD.
lets see..
17 weeks.. hmm.. if each week i save.. 30.. that makes it... 520.
+ money from cny.. which is about another $300.
+ internship = 1500
which means total i hit 2320. obviously this means i will need to borrow money.
i hope my parents are okay with it... seems fun to be meeting the miya girls again.. fun to be touring around kanazawa with me as a tour guide.
=p now comes the logistics.. checking of prices.. tour agencies.. etcetc.
lets see..
17 weeks.. hmm.. if each week i save.. 30.. that makes it... 520.
+ money from cny.. which is about another $300.
+ internship = 1500
which means total i hit 2320. obviously this means i will need to borrow money.
i hope my parents are okay with it... seems fun to be meeting the miya girls again.. fun to be touring around kanazawa with me as a tour guide.
=p now comes the logistics.. checking of prices.. tour agencies.. etcetc.
hai just came back for a while for my mediacorp event. hahahaha. ^^ it was damn fun, but now i have no voice.
basically i spent the day shouting at people (nicely, of course), to tell them why we were there.. to promote the HERO thingy for mcs.
we managed to finish it before the allocated 2 hours.. and headed back. i met kisagari-kun... spent some time watching a movie, playing DDR (yes my legs are still v pain)... and some other weirdo stuff. was fun...
kisagari-kun gave me a tiny plush kitty... which i named kiryuu.. no idea why. it looks nothing like a dragon. oh well. im pretty much very tired now...
still confused about a lot of things.. but i'll slowly work it out.
the other interns at mediacorp are quite nice.. and funny in a certain way...
liting is the girl whom i love the most.. haha she's always helping me out with things. xD hahaha. she has taught me quite a bit.
joachim (as i now know how its spelt).. is very blur. based on yesterday's email incident i have concluded that.
jeremiah (as i finally remembered his name)... has... a little of hiryuu-kun's character. not the "ADIDAS" part... the other parts. i shall not elaborate.
as for audre, i dont know him that well, and he doesnt seem to recognise me either xD hahahaha.
olivia, ive learnt quite a bit about her.. and about other cohort-mates. cant say much about that...
ok i really got to go to bed. too damn sleepy.
basically i spent the day shouting at people (nicely, of course), to tell them why we were there.. to promote the HERO thingy for mcs.
we managed to finish it before the allocated 2 hours.. and headed back. i met kisagari-kun... spent some time watching a movie, playing DDR (yes my legs are still v pain)... and some other weirdo stuff. was fun...
kisagari-kun gave me a tiny plush kitty... which i named kiryuu.. no idea why. it looks nothing like a dragon. oh well. im pretty much very tired now...
still confused about a lot of things.. but i'll slowly work it out.
the other interns at mediacorp are quite nice.. and funny in a certain way...
liting is the girl whom i love the most.. haha she's always helping me out with things. xD hahaha. she has taught me quite a bit.
joachim (as i now know how its spelt).. is very blur. based on yesterday's email incident i have concluded that.
jeremiah (as i finally remembered his name)... has... a little of hiryuu-kun's character. not the "ADIDAS" part... the other parts. i shall not elaborate.
as for audre, i dont know him that well, and he doesnt seem to recognise me either xD hahahaha.
olivia, ive learnt quite a bit about her.. and about other cohort-mates. cant say much about that...
ok i really got to go to bed. too damn sleepy.
Nov 9, 2007
today liting didnt come to work.. so it was just me and joachim.. hahaha. i learnt some stuff from him today.. talked to him a little. quite a fun guy lol.
joachim damn lame... he ask me to send him the email webpage... and told me to email it to him... apparently he forgot that he had to access the EMAIL, he needed the webpage. so in the end he came to my table to get it LOL! weirdo. ahaha. but damn funny la.
then did some talking with kisagari-kun... apparently we talked over an hour... and im going to meet him tomorrow. my first online meeting hahaha.
tomorrow is mediacorp event. sounds fun. need to wake up early tomorrow though.. xD hahahaha.
met fufu chan quite a few times recently. =P havent seen the rest either.
joachim damn lame... he ask me to send him the email webpage... and told me to email it to him... apparently he forgot that he had to access the EMAIL, he needed the webpage. so in the end he came to my table to get it LOL! weirdo. ahaha. but damn funny la.
then did some talking with kisagari-kun... apparently we talked over an hour... and im going to meet him tomorrow. my first online meeting hahaha.
tomorrow is mediacorp event. sounds fun. need to wake up early tomorrow though.. xD hahahaha.
met fufu chan quite a few times recently. =P havent seen the rest either.
Nov 8, 2007
there's a lot of planning that has to be done.. time coordination, transport coordination. even money coordination LOL.
its a lot of work to be done, but hell it has to be done.
i hate myself now. i hate myself for planning all these.
crap. but i need to go back.
i need to.
i have to.
TIME TO BRUSH UP ON JAPANESE!!!
p.s. now you know how its like being me. now you know how much i hate you. know you know... karma!
its a lot of work to be done, but hell it has to be done.
i hate myself now. i hate myself for planning all these.
crap. but i need to go back.
i need to.
i have to.
TIME TO BRUSH UP ON JAPANESE!!!
p.s. now you know how its like being me. now you know how much i hate you. know you know... karma!
yes i koped this from きさがり kun. was damn bored. deepavali. XD
Pick five anime series, assort them randomly and then answer the questions. If you're going to do this meme, try not to look at the questions before you decide the ranks!
1. Which is your favorite series from your list? And why?
probably Initial D bah.. firstly because 高橋りょうすけ and 高橋けいすけ are my idols, secondly its very energetic and refreshing to watch
2. If you were to pair two characters from 1 and 4, who would they be?
L and Robin. L would be very intrigued by Robin's power, and they can match their brain power against each other.
3. What is one thing you'd like to change about 3's plotline?
The ending. Seiryuu seishi were under talked, and too easily killed. (PLS LA. SUBOSHI NOT THAT PATHETIC DE CAN!)
4. If both main characters of 2 and 5 were falling off a cliff, which one would you save?
DNAngel's Daisuke can easily turn into Dark.. Dark has wings. plus daisuke got wings in the end. he can fly. no problem. initial d's takumi though.. probably will save him. for the sake of project D. if not they have no downhill specialist.
5. Which event was the most horrible for you in 1?
The very anti-climax Amon. I cant stand emo characters.
6. Which is your least favorite character of 2?
Risa. She's too whiny.
7. If the antagonist of 3 were to rape the main character of 1, what would you do?
Nakago. Quite possibly Robin. He nearly raped Miaka anyway.. probably he thinks he can seal the demon in Robin too~
8. What song reminds you of 5?
Techno. they play that down the races all the time. Very suiting to the tempo of the race. Without the techno music, Initial D has no pick.
9. Of 1, 3, and 5, which is the easiest to think about?
Initial D... think about the races, how to improve them, spot the potential probabilities.. not Fushigi Yuugi because i get damn pissed whenever i see Miaka's face and how they portrayed Seiryuu as a pathetic loss.
10. Are the protagonists of 2 and 4 similar?
2 and 4... Daisuke (Dark) vs Light? LOL. aside from the common interest in their names, they have nothing in common. Daisuke is a brainless kid that whines a lot (imagine a female usagi)... and Light is an evil genius. NOT SIMILAR AT ALL!
i dont see the point of this quiz, really.. =X i thought it would be fun. stupid! LOL
Pick five anime series, assort them randomly and then answer the questions. If you're going to do this meme, try not to look at the questions before you decide the ranks!
- Witch Hunter Robin
- DN Angel
- Fushigi Yuugi
- Death Note
- Initial D
1. Which is your favorite series from your list? And why?
probably Initial D bah.. firstly because 高橋りょうすけ and 高橋けいすけ are my idols, secondly its very energetic and refreshing to watch
2. If you were to pair two characters from 1 and 4, who would they be?
L and Robin. L would be very intrigued by Robin's power, and they can match their brain power against each other.
3. What is one thing you'd like to change about 3's plotline?
The ending. Seiryuu seishi were under talked, and too easily killed. (PLS LA. SUBOSHI NOT THAT PATHETIC DE CAN!)
4. If both main characters of 2 and 5 were falling off a cliff, which one would you save?
DNAngel's Daisuke can easily turn into Dark.. Dark has wings. plus daisuke got wings in the end. he can fly. no problem. initial d's takumi though.. probably will save him. for the sake of project D. if not they have no downhill specialist.
5. Which event was the most horrible for you in 1?
The very anti-climax Amon. I cant stand emo characters.
6. Which is your least favorite character of 2?
Risa. She's too whiny.
7. If the antagonist of 3 were to rape the main character of 1, what would you do?
Nakago. Quite possibly Robin. He nearly raped Miaka anyway.. probably he thinks he can seal the demon in Robin too~
8. What song reminds you of 5?
Techno. they play that down the races all the time. Very suiting to the tempo of the race. Without the techno music, Initial D has no pick.
9. Of 1, 3, and 5, which is the easiest to think about?
Initial D... think about the races, how to improve them, spot the potential probabilities.. not Fushigi Yuugi because i get damn pissed whenever i see Miaka's face and how they portrayed Seiryuu as a pathetic loss.
10. Are the protagonists of 2 and 4 similar?
2 and 4... Daisuke (Dark) vs Light? LOL. aside from the common interest in their names, they have nothing in common. Daisuke is a brainless kid that whines a lot (imagine a female usagi)... and Light is an evil genius. NOT SIMILAR AT ALL!
i dont see the point of this quiz, really.. =X i thought it would be fun. stupid! LOL
my schedule's looking kinda packed recently.. hahaha. what with one thing and another.
work, dance performances, meeting friends... hahaha. i love the life i live now. mediacorp's starting to get a little busy, but i love the place more than ever now.
im back on an emotional roller coaster ride, and i dont know how to get off. people i dont know are comforting me, and they make me feel a lot better.
the guys are busy now.. or i'd hold another gathering. heck im busy too... hahahaha. nevermind i shall find some time to hold another gathering somewhere..
suddenly im looking up all the friends i lost.. the friends i made in the past...
i cant wait for sat's event! (though i wont say much because im afraid of saying too much! xD hahaha)
still trying to think of that guy's name... hmmmm...
work, dance performances, meeting friends... hahaha. i love the life i live now. mediacorp's starting to get a little busy, but i love the place more than ever now.
im back on an emotional roller coaster ride, and i dont know how to get off. people i dont know are comforting me, and they make me feel a lot better.
the guys are busy now.. or i'd hold another gathering. heck im busy too... hahahaha. nevermind i shall find some time to hold another gathering somewhere..
suddenly im looking up all the friends i lost.. the friends i made in the past...
i cant wait for sat's event! (though i wont say much because im afraid of saying too much! xD hahaha)
still trying to think of that guy's name... hmmmm...
goodbye mr low. first it was mrs lim leaving, now its you. oddly enough, i've managed to meet you quite a few times as well.. once during LTC.. once during Kanazawa. each time overseas, each time in different countries.
you leaving will change the way the school is run , and although im sure mr harry tan will be a good principal, i will miss you as well.
i had deeply wanted to go for the farewell celebration, but i couldn't.. =( stupid internship.
oh well. i'll miss the way SP was under your reign.
its just not the same anymore...
Nov 6, 2007
cant forget.
and yet forcing myself not to remember.
it hurts.
because i dont have an answer.
because im still looking for it.
because i dont want to, because i cant... give up.
i dont want to.
~~
on the high side, ive made a few friends at mediacorp. funnily, we're all interns! yiting and wei sheng from NP... joaquim and andrey (dunno hw to spell) from NYP. nice guys all of them. =)
and yet forcing myself not to remember.
it hurts.
because i dont have an answer.
because im still looking for it.
because i dont want to, because i cant... give up.
i dont want to.
~~
on the high side, ive made a few friends at mediacorp. funnily, we're all interns! yiting and wei sheng from NP... joaquim and andrey (dunno hw to spell) from NYP. nice guys all of them. =)
today's depressing topic: freedom.
is having a curfew honestly make you feel restricted? it does to me. knowing i have to report everything 3 days before hand... its like club activities all over again.
they care, i know. they love me, i know. but is it really what's bothering me?
since i was young i could never have the freedom i wanted. i understood then: i was sick. that i could understand. but now.. how does that explain now?
this feeling im feeling, i cant quite place it. its a mix of everything.
i think i need some time to think through things... and i guess i have to do it alone...
why is there any need to think? got think to think about meh?
that's what she said... ^^ i hate it. she doubts every word i say.
くるしい だから。
is having a curfew honestly make you feel restricted? it does to me. knowing i have to report everything 3 days before hand... its like club activities all over again.
they care, i know. they love me, i know. but is it really what's bothering me?
since i was young i could never have the freedom i wanted. i understood then: i was sick. that i could understand. but now.. how does that explain now?
this feeling im feeling, i cant quite place it. its a mix of everything.
i think i need some time to think through things... and i guess i have to do it alone...
why is there any need to think? got think to think about meh?
that's what she said... ^^ i hate it. she doubts every word i say.
くるしい だから。
Nov 5, 2007
just finished internship. damn cool. i love working there! its not even like working.. its quite fun actually..
all i got to say is... through the three years... thank you for making life easy for me now. because of all the stress that you've put me through, all the stress and the pain..the sleepless nights that we went through, work now is like a charm. its not even like i'm working! and i met the best people too...
yiting from NP.. who's also an intern... in fact i spent my lunch with all the interns... im sorry but right now i cant remember their names.. xD
there was... yiting and another guy from NP... two guys from NYP... and of course me and olivia from SP. 3 guys and 3 girls. damn funny.
got to love working at mediacorp. thought it was going to be stress... but for now i really love the place!
all i got to say is... through the three years... thank you for making life easy for me now. because of all the stress that you've put me through, all the stress and the pain..the sleepless nights that we went through, work now is like a charm. its not even like i'm working! and i met the best people too...
yiting from NP.. who's also an intern... in fact i spent my lunch with all the interns... im sorry but right now i cant remember their names.. xD
there was... yiting and another guy from NP... two guys from NYP... and of course me and olivia from SP. 3 guys and 3 girls. damn funny.
got to love working at mediacorp. thought it was going to be stress... but for now i really love the place!
Nov 4, 2007
thank you to all who consoled me. especially アロイ -kun and hiryuu-kun. i figured out what's wrong. thank you fufu-chan too, for tarot-ing for me. its quite accurate if its what i think it is...
last night i was thinking to myself of a number i couldn't place.
today i decided, just now, to message that unknown number, and see if i got a reply. and i did.
guess who it was?
desmond. no not the one i recently met from Citibank. the desmond from year 1, currently in NP. yes, my ex boyfriend desmond. =X i dont know why, but suddenly recalling his number reminded me how much i couldn't forget him at one point, and now i cant wait to forget.
went out with fufu-chan today to get my printed works.. said it would rain and it did. said it wont rain at my house, and it didn't. i no longer care for coincidences... as fufu said... something about loneliness, about cynism and something else. made me realise for this case at least, it makes sense.
tomorrow internship begins. i really cant wait.
p.s. ありがとう ね、 アロイ くん。 でんわ を 話して。。 ほんと に ありがとう。
im not worried about it anymore. in fact, i'll take the opportunity to do what i intended to do. the fact that im right makes me slightly more confident in moving my plans forward.
p.s.s. for some reason andrew found my friendster. yes, JCC president andrew. no idea how, dont wanna know. he looks skinnier in photogrpahs than in real life xD hahahahaa. no offence.
last night i was thinking to myself of a number i couldn't place.
today i decided, just now, to message that unknown number, and see if i got a reply. and i did.
guess who it was?
desmond. no not the one i recently met from Citibank. the desmond from year 1, currently in NP. yes, my ex boyfriend desmond. =X i dont know why, but suddenly recalling his number reminded me how much i couldn't forget him at one point, and now i cant wait to forget.
went out with fufu-chan today to get my printed works.. said it would rain and it did. said it wont rain at my house, and it didn't. i no longer care for coincidences... as fufu said... something about loneliness, about cynism and something else. made me realise for this case at least, it makes sense.
tomorrow internship begins. i really cant wait.
p.s. ありがとう ね、 アロイ くん。 でんわ を 話して。。 ほんと に ありがとう。
im not worried about it anymore. in fact, i'll take the opportunity to do what i intended to do. the fact that im right makes me slightly more confident in moving my plans forward.
p.s.s. for some reason andrew found my friendster. yes, JCC president andrew. no idea how, dont wanna know. he looks skinnier in photogrpahs than in real life xD hahahahaa. no offence.
have you ever had the funny feeling, of not knowing what the hell is going on.. ever since yesterday i begun to have a bad feeling.. a feeling so bad i couldn't eat nor sleep. and up to now im still tired: but that feeling is still there. i dont feel its right to leave the house.. and at the same time i dont feel its right to leave the house.
i believe in 6th sense, and i have always had quite an accurate 6th sense when it counts for it. and the feelings now that im feeling is a very bad feeling... something i know i'll regret knowing when it comes.
i hope nothing goes wrong..
i believe in 6th sense, and i have always had quite an accurate 6th sense when it counts for it. and the feelings now that im feeling is a very bad feeling... something i know i'll regret knowing when it comes.
i hope nothing goes wrong..
Nov 3, 2007
okay.. first let me point out that this entry MIGHT be a little... colorful for your tastes. and let me say that I USUALLY DO NOT TALK ABOUT THIS KIND OF HENTAI THINGS ON MY BLOG!!!
but please bear with me... there's a purpose to the entire thing.
firstly, let me do some background information. we had a mini miyazaki gathering today.. really last minute. i wasnt even supposed to be out of the house!!!! but nevermind... my parents decided to let me out in the end.. because i missed them sooo much!
so before i left the h0use.. i had a feeling i should be wearing shoes.. because i had a feeling wearing boots was a bad idea. vaguely recalled thinking that it would break. but i decided not to care.
so i was with sarin and fufu... then we actually planned to return money de la... then we ended up eating at AJI TEI. OKAY THE FOOD THERE IS HORRIBLE. the portions have shrunk, and not to mention their "so called warm" kind of deserts are SOFT. is mochi supposed to be as soft as chinese kueh? I DONT THINK SO! and we complained.. worse still.. they thought we assumed its expired. which we didnt. NEVERMIND.
we went to eat dango after that.. not full... and the DAMN DANGO WAS SWEET!!! okay the soy sauce masked the taste, but the pure dango ball had a sweetener.. -.- even the japanese food in singapore has to be... modified to fit our tastebuds.. OH WELL!!! once again.. NEVERMIND!
fufu and i then took a short detour to find ping! haha we saw some of our classmates there, but we left soon after. the trio then headed to shaw.. where we bought a variety of food that we knew could be found in japan... damn thinking about it made me think of yuka... i bought that milk tea that hiryuu-kun, joe-kun and i shared during Kanazawa (on the last day of the trip, with the spaghetti)... then we bought the 95yen CHEESE!!! WOOO! I LOVE THE CHEESE (and incidentally, so does yuka)...
after that.. we got a little tired.. so the trio went to wheelock to sit. AND THERE BEGINS ALL THE ODDNESS.
first we were talking about random stuff, (miyazaki, kanazawa... colin, heidi...) doing random stuff. the topic moved on to saya from KTC.. about how poor アロイ-kun was then traumatised by the flashing... then suddenly from nowhere this girl runs across from where i was staring at. OKAY firstly her skirt was damn short. not the point. it was flowy. therefore when running, skirt goes UP! ok nevermind. fufu made a comment about how hiryuu-kun was influencing me. xD its not true la.... just so happen that she was running where i was staring ma... not my fault!!!
after that... we started talking more abt kanazawa... then headed on to... where was it... hm.. i think... far east. there.. we saw very weird things.. such as "army gang" and not to mention other funny clothes that reminded us of a certain classmate.
we then wanted some dinner.. so headed over to.. subway. THATS when the scary part started. OKAY IM INNOCENT HERE!!! anyway, i headed to subway, and we ordered. silly fufu decided to sit next to the queue... where let me say first.. there was a ledge.
not bad enough.
i wanted to sit with fufu, facing AWAY from the queue, but on the other side, was this KINDA plump woman, with half a butt sticking out of her pants. that sight really made me lose my stomach.. so i changed place. ended up being me FACING the queue.
then a number of things happened in that one hour.
FIRST... a girl attempts to sit on the ledge. TOTALLY exposing herself. NOT BAD ENOUGH... she was wearing.. never mind that one a little too much for me to say..
THEN.. another girl... courting danger one she.. open her legs like damn big la. okay NEVERMIND.
by then my mind was seriously reeling with all the "Sights" i did not want to see in a day. then i made a general comment.
"wahhh. today damn weird leh. every time we talk abt this kind of thing, once i look up from my food, i see it. a bit too accurate la..."
then fufu said "aya... u really too influenced by hiryuu-kun le la..."
me: "NO LOR! THEY WANT TO SHOW ME ONE LOR! not my fault im sitting here la! wa... if i see him today.. really mark the end of my suay and accurate day."
sarin-san: "not so qiao wan la... if really like that.. must buy TOTO sia..."
so okay. we ate finish.. decided to walk back to far east and cross to the DFS shop for fun.
just before i took the escalator up... i heard...
"WEI! XIAO QIANG!" it wasnt the words that caught my attention. it was the voice.
Shit. not that coincidental bah? i turn around. wa. sure enough. less than 10 minutes after i said that... i really met hiryuu-kun... something is really weird about today.
i vaguely remembered telling him something abt "you really marked the end of my suay day"... NOT BAD ENOUGH.
i msged xiu to tell her abt the COINCIDENCE.. and she never replied. found it was odd.. then i said to myself.. "haha. maybe she lost her HP..." and SHE JUST TOLD ME SHE LOST IT! OMG shit la. i think i made her lose it. i shall shut up for the rest of the day... but ANYWAY...
when we hit DFS... okay that was fine.. until my sole nearly broke off! OMG REALLY SOMETHING TOO ACCURATE ABOUT EVERYTHING I SAID TODAAY.
in the end.. fufu and sarin said they would buy toto... or 4D... hahahaha.
apart from the major coincidences and the funny things we talked about, i miss having them around... =( miss all the other girls too... heidi, xinyi, xiaoran, shuet ni, christina, even the guys nicholas and clement. miyazaki rios still maintain that strong bond that i fear even 19th MILE doesnt have. ah well....
we thrashed a lot of things today. and its damn scary. too many coincidences.. im psychic today.. >.< DAMMMNNN SCARY.
ok end of long long post. sorry if i grossed u out. be glad i didnt write the worst part (would be what's under the 1st girls' skirt. its not my fault. it was damn obvious)
but please bear with me... there's a purpose to the entire thing.
firstly, let me do some background information. we had a mini miyazaki gathering today.. really last minute. i wasnt even supposed to be out of the house!!!! but nevermind... my parents decided to let me out in the end.. because i missed them sooo much!
so before i left the h0use.. i had a feeling i should be wearing shoes.. because i had a feeling wearing boots was a bad idea. vaguely recalled thinking that it would break. but i decided not to care.
so i was with sarin and fufu... then we actually planned to return money de la... then we ended up eating at AJI TEI. OKAY THE FOOD THERE IS HORRIBLE. the portions have shrunk, and not to mention their "so called warm" kind of deserts are SOFT. is mochi supposed to be as soft as chinese kueh? I DONT THINK SO! and we complained.. worse still.. they thought we assumed its expired. which we didnt. NEVERMIND.
we went to eat dango after that.. not full... and the DAMN DANGO WAS SWEET!!! okay the soy sauce masked the taste, but the pure dango ball had a sweetener.. -.- even the japanese food in singapore has to be... modified to fit our tastebuds.. OH WELL!!! once again.. NEVERMIND!
fufu and i then took a short detour to find ping! haha we saw some of our classmates there, but we left soon after. the trio then headed to shaw.. where we bought a variety of food that we knew could be found in japan... damn thinking about it made me think of yuka... i bought that milk tea that hiryuu-kun, joe-kun and i shared during Kanazawa (on the last day of the trip, with the spaghetti)... then we bought the 95yen CHEESE!!! WOOO! I LOVE THE CHEESE (and incidentally, so does yuka)...
after that.. we got a little tired.. so the trio went to wheelock to sit. AND THERE BEGINS ALL THE ODDNESS.
first we were talking about random stuff, (miyazaki, kanazawa... colin, heidi...) doing random stuff. the topic moved on to saya from KTC.. about how poor アロイ-kun was then traumatised by the flashing... then suddenly from nowhere this girl runs across from where i was staring at. OKAY firstly her skirt was damn short. not the point. it was flowy. therefore when running, skirt goes UP! ok nevermind. fufu made a comment about how hiryuu-kun was influencing me. xD its not true la.... just so happen that she was running where i was staring ma... not my fault!!!
after that... we started talking more abt kanazawa... then headed on to... where was it... hm.. i think... far east. there.. we saw very weird things.. such as "army gang" and not to mention other funny clothes that reminded us of a certain classmate.
we then wanted some dinner.. so headed over to.. subway. THATS when the scary part started. OKAY IM INNOCENT HERE!!! anyway, i headed to subway, and we ordered. silly fufu decided to sit next to the queue... where let me say first.. there was a ledge.
not bad enough.
i wanted to sit with fufu, facing AWAY from the queue, but on the other side, was this KINDA plump woman, with half a butt sticking out of her pants. that sight really made me lose my stomach.. so i changed place. ended up being me FACING the queue.
then a number of things happened in that one hour.
FIRST... a girl attempts to sit on the ledge. TOTALLY exposing herself. NOT BAD ENOUGH... she was wearing.. never mind that one a little too much for me to say..
THEN.. another girl... courting danger one she.. open her legs like damn big la. okay NEVERMIND.
by then my mind was seriously reeling with all the "Sights" i did not want to see in a day. then i made a general comment.
"wahhh. today damn weird leh. every time we talk abt this kind of thing, once i look up from my food, i see it. a bit too accurate la..."
then fufu said "aya... u really too influenced by hiryuu-kun le la..."
me: "NO LOR! THEY WANT TO SHOW ME ONE LOR! not my fault im sitting here la! wa... if i see him today.. really mark the end of my suay and accurate day."
sarin-san: "not so qiao wan la... if really like that.. must buy TOTO sia..."
so okay. we ate finish.. decided to walk back to far east and cross to the DFS shop for fun.
just before i took the escalator up... i heard...
"WEI! XIAO QIANG!" it wasnt the words that caught my attention. it was the voice.
Shit. not that coincidental bah? i turn around. wa. sure enough. less than 10 minutes after i said that... i really met hiryuu-kun... something is really weird about today.
i vaguely remembered telling him something abt "you really marked the end of my suay day"... NOT BAD ENOUGH.
i msged xiu to tell her abt the COINCIDENCE.. and she never replied. found it was odd.. then i said to myself.. "haha. maybe she lost her HP..." and SHE JUST TOLD ME SHE LOST IT! OMG shit la. i think i made her lose it. i shall shut up for the rest of the day... but ANYWAY...
when we hit DFS... okay that was fine.. until my sole nearly broke off! OMG REALLY SOMETHING TOO ACCURATE ABOUT EVERYTHING I SAID TODAAY.
in the end.. fufu and sarin said they would buy toto... or 4D... hahahaha.
apart from the major coincidences and the funny things we talked about, i miss having them around... =( miss all the other girls too... heidi, xinyi, xiaoran, shuet ni, christina, even the guys nicholas and clement. miyazaki rios still maintain that strong bond that i fear even 19th MILE doesnt have. ah well....
we thrashed a lot of things today. and its damn scary. too many coincidences.. im psychic today.. >.< DAMMMNNN SCARY.
ok end of long long post. sorry if i grossed u out. be glad i didnt write the worst part (would be what's under the 1st girls' skirt. its not my fault. it was damn obvious)
Nov 1, 2007
Harry Potter truly never ends, through the entire story. You'd think that at any time, Harry Potter will end. But the truth is undeniable: harry potter has become a part of our generation, and a part of our lives. even to J.K. Rowling... its obvious she hasnt let the world of Harry Potter go either... just look at this article!
How i would love to get my hands on one of those copies... =)
LONDON - J.K. Rowling has completed her first book not to feature teen wizard Harry Potter an illustrated collection of magical fairy stories titled "The Tales of Beedle the Bard."
Only seven copies of the book are being printed, Rowling said Thursday. One will be auctioned next month to raise money for a children's charity, while the others have been given away as gifts.
Rowling drew the illustrations herself and provided the handwriting for the five stories that make up the collection of fairytales.
"The Tales of Beedle the Bard" is mentioned in the final Potter book, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," as a gift left by headmaster Albus Dumbledore to Harry's friend Hermione, and provides clues that help destroy evil Lord Voldemort.
"'The Tales of Beedle the Bard' is really a distillation of the themes found in the Harry Potter books, and writing it has been the most wonderful way to say goodbye to a world I have loved and lived in for 17 years," Rowling said in a statement.
The volume, bound in brown morocco leather and mounted with silver and semiprecious stones, will be auctioned at Sotheby's on Dec. 13 with a starting price of $62,000. Proceeds will go to The Children's Voice, a charity that helps vulnerable children across Europe.
"Deathly Hallows," the seventh and final installment in Harry's adventures, was published in July. The seven books have sold nearly 400 million copies and have been translated into 64 languages.
Rowling told the British Broadcasting Corp. that the book of fairytales had helped her say goodbye to Harry's world.
"It's not about Harry, Ron and Hermione, but it comes from that world," she told BBC radio in an interview broadcast Thursday. "So it's been therapeutic in a way."
Rowling said she was working on a new book, "a half-finished book for children that I think will probably be the next thing I publish."
On Wednesday, Rowling and the makers of the Harry Potter movies filed a lawsuit against RDR Books, a small U.S. publisher that plans to bring out a companion volume based on the Harry Potter Lexicon fan Web site.
Rowling has said she plans to produce her own encyclopedia of the wizarding world and says the book would infringe on her intellectual property rights.
How i would love to get my hands on one of those copies... =)
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