i guess for sandy's sake i'll blog a detailed one. ^^ since poor sandy is out and knows nothing.
at noon i got a message from xiuzhi. same one that she sent to phyllis. she told me she was on the way to the hospital, to get checked.
i tried replying her but she couldnt turn on her phone, thus couldnt reply me. so i smsed phyllis and sandy to inform them, and kept my phone beside me.
at 3pm xiu called me, told me that she was in the ward, awaiting. she sounded a little scared i guess, not too much. just a little softer than usual. i think she was probably nervous. it started getting me thinking that you know...this was really happening.
she called again later, to tell me that they just broke her waterbag. she even said it wasnt like she was told that they would, but they just did it, somewhat that she wasnt given much of her choice. each time i was lost for words, i really didnt know what to say. i just kept telling her she'd be fine and that she'll be okay, and to take care.
i got a message later on, regarding opening hours and time of birth. phyllis and i i think both imagined wiating those agonising hours outside the suite, waiting for birth. but i guess this was a little too... extreme if we were really to go down.
now typing this i think little azealea has just seen and breathed her first moment by now... wonder when the birthday is.. hmm.. ^^ must remember to ask xiu tmr.
i'm taking half a day tmr to go see her and azealea. i dont think she expects us tomorrow morning, probably she thinks i'll be over after my work~
phy and i are going to bring some kind of makeshift basket of fruits over. lol. sandy, hang in there pics will be up soon! ^^
its really surreal, that this is finally happening. ive been jumpy all day. its like we're not the ones that are involved, and yet we feel for them.
cant wait for tomorrow~
Jul 29, 2008
Jul 22, 2008
manipulative. liar. not trustworthy.
these are the words that have been used to describe me lately. i've really thought abt all these to myself, because its what a good friend told me.
he told me all these, and said he couldnt trust me. that he regretted ever meeting me. he knows everything about me, from what i did to nick, and beyond. i dont want to see myself as a liar, or a manipulative person, and i've decided that from that day i'd change. this isnt the person who i want to be.
as much as not trustworthy, i think thats a combination of fear to trust me, thinking that the information i find out will someday be used against him. well, i wont. anyone who's my friend knows how i treat my friends, and how i treasure a friendship, and i dont want to lose it. they know how hard i'll work, the ends i'll go to for a friendship.
i understand if u cant believe me or trust me because i've lied to you. i'm willing to prove you wrong, just like i said i would. i'll earn your trust again, even if it takes me a while to get it right.
i confess i appreciate the truth: you're maybe the only one who would tell me this, so i can believe you.
it hurts not to be trusted, knowing that they think im plotting something against it. ive spent so long and worked so hard trying to keep myself from ruining the friendship. i've always told everyone else who warned me, everyone else who told me the truth that i was blinded to see, that i stood on your side. it didnt matter to me whether you were right or wrong. i'm your friend and i'll fight for you. i'll protect you. that's my definition of a friend.
i know maybe he's afraid to trust me again, afraid that i might use the information against him. he says he regrets ever meeting me. it hurts. it fucking hurts a lot knowing that.
but there's nthing i can do. i deserved this. even if my lies were for the better good, for him not to feel guilty or for him not to feel the pain that i felt, because i didnt want him to know about my thoughts. i didnt want to burden him with any of it. and because of that, i've now lost his trust.
it might take some time, but when im done, you'll see. you all will see. im not the manipulative person, the liar you think i am. i'm much more than that. its not my style. i wasnt born like this. and as long as i wasnt born, i can reverse it.
so watch me.
watch me change for the better.
this was what you were put in my life for. this was the reason, the meaning of your existance in my life. if my chance to learn this lesson was to lose a good friendship, then the sacrifice is too big. give me another chance, give me the friend i used to have. the one that trusted me wholeheartedly, the one that would look to me for advice.
that's the friend i want back. and i'll prove to you that you can trust me again. just give me that chance.
these are the words that have been used to describe me lately. i've really thought abt all these to myself, because its what a good friend told me.
he told me all these, and said he couldnt trust me. that he regretted ever meeting me. he knows everything about me, from what i did to nick, and beyond. i dont want to see myself as a liar, or a manipulative person, and i've decided that from that day i'd change. this isnt the person who i want to be.
as much as not trustworthy, i think thats a combination of fear to trust me, thinking that the information i find out will someday be used against him. well, i wont. anyone who's my friend knows how i treat my friends, and how i treasure a friendship, and i dont want to lose it. they know how hard i'll work, the ends i'll go to for a friendship.
i understand if u cant believe me or trust me because i've lied to you. i'm willing to prove you wrong, just like i said i would. i'll earn your trust again, even if it takes me a while to get it right.
i confess i appreciate the truth: you're maybe the only one who would tell me this, so i can believe you.
it hurts not to be trusted, knowing that they think im plotting something against it. ive spent so long and worked so hard trying to keep myself from ruining the friendship. i've always told everyone else who warned me, everyone else who told me the truth that i was blinded to see, that i stood on your side. it didnt matter to me whether you were right or wrong. i'm your friend and i'll fight for you. i'll protect you. that's my definition of a friend.
i know maybe he's afraid to trust me again, afraid that i might use the information against him. he says he regrets ever meeting me. it hurts. it fucking hurts a lot knowing that.
but there's nthing i can do. i deserved this. even if my lies were for the better good, for him not to feel guilty or for him not to feel the pain that i felt, because i didnt want him to know about my thoughts. i didnt want to burden him with any of it. and because of that, i've now lost his trust.
it might take some time, but when im done, you'll see. you all will see. im not the manipulative person, the liar you think i am. i'm much more than that. its not my style. i wasnt born like this. and as long as i wasnt born, i can reverse it.
so watch me.
watch me change for the better.
this was what you were put in my life for. this was the reason, the meaning of your existance in my life. if my chance to learn this lesson was to lose a good friendship, then the sacrifice is too big. give me another chance, give me the friend i used to have. the one that trusted me wholeheartedly, the one that would look to me for advice.
that's the friend i want back. and i'll prove to you that you can trust me again. just give me that chance.
Jul 16, 2008
Jul 14, 2008
you know what i hate most?
yes you probably do. anyone who knows me well would know i hate two-faced lying bastards the most. you know, those who, on one end tell you one thing, something you might want to hear, and on the other end, they tell your friends something else.
we've all met someone like this in our lives, we've all seen someone or heard someone do this before: it shouldnt be strange. but when that someone is someone who knows nothing about you, someone who's not in your life in the least, you cant help but find it strange.
well that's just what happened to me. someone who wished me the best in life, in truth wishes i fail.
oh well.
he's screwed.
~~~
am i really blinded?
are there things i've yet to see
is this how it's meant to be
these things happening to me
yes you probably do. anyone who knows me well would know i hate two-faced lying bastards the most. you know, those who, on one end tell you one thing, something you might want to hear, and on the other end, they tell your friends something else.
we've all met someone like this in our lives, we've all seen someone or heard someone do this before: it shouldnt be strange. but when that someone is someone who knows nothing about you, someone who's not in your life in the least, you cant help but find it strange.
well that's just what happened to me. someone who wished me the best in life, in truth wishes i fail.
oh well.
he's screwed.
~~~
am i really blinded?
are there things i've yet to see
is this how it's meant to be
these things happening to me
Jul 3, 2008
hahahahaha i really missed my BTT today. funny story really its not so much i REALLLY forgot i had my BTT. i knew it was today like last night. so i studied until 2-3am, knowing full well i had to wake up at 6+am for my mock test.
coincidentally i forgot how to get there, so i skipped my mock test to do a little last minute studying.. GREAT right? i was sitting on my rooftop thinking to myself and studying... and when 10am came (my test was at 11) i totally forgot. i even put an alarm, but it didnt ring. it was only when xiu msged me that i REMEMBERED that my test was that.
as usual i got lost. so i missed my test. -.- yay me. now i have to sign again. that pushes my road legality back by a month or so =(
coincidentally i forgot how to get there, so i skipped my mock test to do a little last minute studying.. GREAT right? i was sitting on my rooftop thinking to myself and studying... and when 10am came (my test was at 11) i totally forgot. i even put an alarm, but it didnt ring. it was only when xiu msged me that i REMEMBERED that my test was that.
as usual i got lost. so i missed my test. -.- yay me. now i have to sign again. that pushes my road legality back by a month or so =(
Jul 2, 2008
a song for me.
i found this song very soothing. i never could imagine i would like a song like this. its sung by Ninomiya Kazunari from Arashi. the lyrics are really nice and the music is really good too. i dont know was it the words that struck me or something else. my mind is now clear... i more or less know what im going to do.
虹(Rainbow) by Ninomiya Kazunari
いつもそうよ。
As always.
拗ねるときみは。
You are sulking.
私の大事な物を隠すでしょ。
Hiding the important things to me.
その場所は決まって同じだから。
Because that place is certainly the same,
今日は先に行って待ってみるわ。
I'll go there first today and wait.
季節達が夕日を連れて来て
The seasons bring the evening sun.
影が私をみつけて延びる...。
I found my shadow extending...
ビックリした顔で私をみつめては
With a surprised expression, you saw me.
急に口尖らせプイっと外見るの。
You seemed angry and suddenly looked outside.
ごめんね。と言うと
I said "I'm sorry" and
じゃあこっちに来てよと
"well, come here".
ねぇ、ほら見て見て
Hey, look, look.
影が重なった...。
Our shadows are overlapping...
傘がぶつかり真っ直ぐ歩けない。
Our umbrellas are colliding and I can't walk straightly.
そんな私を見て笑っているの。
Seeing me like that made you laugh.
私もやってみせてあげるの。
I'll do it too and show it to you.
同じ様に口を尖らす...。
The same face when your angry.
優しく笑うきみが
You gently laughing
この時間が空間が
at this time and space.
泣きたくなるくらい
I wanted to cry.
一番大事なものだよ。
Your my most precious one.
わざと尖らせてる...。
I purposely showed an anger face...
私にごめんねの返事を持たずに
Without saying "I'm sorry" to me,
優しくキスしたの...。
you gently kissed me.
これからはちょっとくらいの我が儘
From now on it will be a little selfish.
言ってもいいよ。
It's alright to say.
でも私にだけよ。
But only to me.
面倒くさいからって
Because it's troublesome.
素直じゃないんだから
Because I'm not submissive.
何で言えないのかな？
Why can't I say it?
好きだよ。
I love you.
一言よ？
Just those words.
たまには聞きたいな。
You sometimes want to hear.
今日は私と君が
Today, I'm with you.
名字を重ねた日。
The day we will share the same name.
愛が芽吹いた日。
The day our love blooms.
la... la... la...
虹がキレイだよ。
The rainbow is beautiful.
いや、お前の方が...。
No, you are more beautiful...
テレはじめるきみに
To you who begins to shine,
ありがとう。ありがとう。
Thank you. Thank you.
i just realised my new blog has no song bg whatsoever. im probably going to add this song as my new background music. its soothing and i really like it, even if its not my precious ohno singing. if it were i'd be melting by now. x)
right now im in the office helping my dad type japanese. japanese has really become my outlet now... more and more so.
昨日は、 私 と ふうゆえ でんわ お はなします。 ちょっと だけ、 でも ね。。 しあわせ ですよ。 二時半、 三時？ わすれた。。 ぜんぶ も いま 大丈夫 から。。 私 の ゆめ、 私 の 未来、 大丈夫 から。。 何時も 何時も 全部 も しらない。。 ちょっと むずかしい ね。。 でも さ。。 いま は。。。 してる よ。 たいせつな ひと、 ごめなさい。 ぜんぶ も あなた の ため に。
ありがとう、 みんな。 ありがとう、あなた。 いま 私 わすれない、 けど つよくなる。 あなた のために だから。いのち わ 生きてる。 まって いた、 私たち の 日。。 ともだち も いい。。 絶対 に。。 はなせない。
ok i got to go back to work~ hehehee. ^^ PHYPHY REMEMBER STUDY FOR UR TEST!
[[OMG I FORGOT TOMORROW I HAVE MY BASIC THEORY TEST AND I SO HAVE NOT STUDIED!!! DIEEEE!!!!!]]
i found this song very soothing. i never could imagine i would like a song like this. its sung by Ninomiya Kazunari from Arashi. the lyrics are really nice and the music is really good too. i dont know was it the words that struck me or something else. my mind is now clear... i more or less know what im going to do.
虹(Rainbow) by Ninomiya Kazunari
いつもそうよ。
As always.
拗ねるときみは。
You are sulking.
私の大事な物を隠すでしょ。
Hiding the important things to me.
その場所は決まって同じだから。
Because that place is certainly the same,
今日は先に行って待ってみるわ。
I'll go there first today and wait.
季節達が夕日を連れて来て
The seasons bring the evening sun.
影が私をみつけて延びる...。
I found my shadow extending...
ビックリした顔で私をみつめては
With a surprised expression, you saw me.
急に口尖らせプイっと外見るの。
You seemed angry and suddenly looked outside.
ごめんね。と言うと
I said "I'm sorry" and
じゃあこっちに来てよと
"well, come here".
ねぇ、ほら見て見て
Hey, look, look.
影が重なった...。
Our shadows are overlapping...
傘がぶつかり真っ直ぐ歩けない。
Our umbrellas are colliding and I can't walk straightly.
そんな私を見て笑っているの。
Seeing me like that made you laugh.
私もやってみせてあげるの。
I'll do it too and show it to you.
同じ様に口を尖らす...。
The same face when your angry.
優しく笑うきみが
You gently laughing
この時間が空間が
at this time and space.
泣きたくなるくらい
I wanted to cry.
一番大事なものだよ。
Your my most precious one.
わざと尖らせてる...。
I purposely showed an anger face...
私にごめんねの返事を持たずに
Without saying "I'm sorry" to me,
優しくキスしたの...。
you gently kissed me.
これからはちょっとくらいの我が儘
From now on it will be a little selfish.
言ってもいいよ。
It's alright to say.
でも私にだけよ。
But only to me.
面倒くさいからって
Because it's troublesome.
素直じゃないんだから
Because I'm not submissive.
何で言えないのかな？
Why can't I say it?
好きだよ。
I love you.
一言よ？
Just those words.
たまには聞きたいな。
You sometimes want to hear.
今日は私と君が
Today, I'm with you.
名字を重ねた日。
The day we will share the same name.
愛が芽吹いた日。
The day our love blooms.
la... la... la...
虹がキレイだよ。
The rainbow is beautiful.
いや、お前の方が...。
No, you are more beautiful...
テレはじめるきみに
To you who begins to shine,
ありがとう。ありがとう。
Thank you. Thank you.
i just realised my new blog has no song bg whatsoever. im probably going to add this song as my new background music. its soothing and i really like it, even if its not my precious ohno singing. if it were i'd be melting by now. x)
right now im in the office helping my dad type japanese. japanese has really become my outlet now... more and more so.
昨日は、 私 と ふうゆえ でんわ お はなします。 ちょっと だけ、 でも ね。。 しあわせ ですよ。 二時半、 三時？ わすれた。。 ぜんぶ も いま 大丈夫 から。。 私 の ゆめ、 私 の 未来、 大丈夫 から。。 何時も 何時も 全部 も しらない。。 ちょっと むずかしい ね。。 でも さ。。 いま は。。。 してる よ。 たいせつな ひと、 ごめなさい。 ぜんぶ も あなた の ため に。
ありがとう、 みんな。 ありがとう、あなた。 いま 私 わすれない、 けど つよくなる。 あなた のために だから。いのち わ 生きてる。 まって いた、 私たち の 日。。 ともだち も いい。。 絶対 に。。 はなせない。
ok i got to go back to work~ hehehee. ^^ PHYPHY REMEMBER STUDY FOR UR TEST!
[[OMG I FORGOT TOMORROW I HAVE MY BASIC THEORY TEST AND I SO HAVE NOT STUDIED!!! DIEEEE!!!!!]]
Jun 30, 2008
Jun 27, 2008
sihua's last day has finally come in a week's time... in a week's time all my friends at mediacorp would have moved on... gordon in aus, me and liting working, sihua back to school, joachim to ns. its hard to imagine since then so many things have happened to me. and although i want to meet them, at the same time i dont want to. i dont know what looking into their faces will do, but i know that my heart will ache. i dont know why, but maybe its just the past memories...
recently ive been thinking about the past a lot... telling myself i could have changed so many things, knowing that i would if i had a chance. me saying i wouldnt now would be lying. i want to change so many things back then. maybe then i wouldnt be me... i would be someone else, someone better?
recently ive been thinking about the past a lot... telling myself i could have changed so many things, knowing that i would if i had a chance. me saying i wouldnt now would be lying. i want to change so many things back then. maybe then i wouldnt be me... i would be someone else, someone better?
Jun 25, 2008
omg im so bored i actually started reading old entries of other ppl's blogs. started out with xiu's cos phy's blog is quite new i think... a few snippets rushed out at me. her blog dates back to 2005... so its about our first year... hard to imagine so many things happened. haha. so im going to dedicate this to our past together.... XIU AND PHY U BETTER READ THIS! ESP YOU TWO!
BY XIU: JingYi's ATTACHED!!!! To? Aiya.... anata la... Hee Desmond san desu Haha Later she'll DEFINITELY come after me when she read this blog entry Anyway I dun care ;P Ne ne ni pu pu Haha Okok... being a bit too childish here Doubt she got any energy la these days, since she has to go and spend time with her Des san hee
LOL la that seems so long ago... i forgot all about these already.. hahaha.
looking at some of the pics still available on her blog made me think back.. when it was really us 5. NUXES version 1. makes me miss shen at some point. i mean despite all that, i dont believe it was her fault.. and the pictures prove it. everytime i look at that photo i cant help but think... why did it happen this way? but hey... life's like that. and because of that, we met sandy! you rock girl~
Before long the sesmester is gonna be over How time flies I'm rather amazed and happy over the strong frenship I had fostered over the months Much faster and stronger than anyone one of us had or can possibly imagine.
There's more to come. I'm sure Just that how the frenship will turn out, there's still much to be done. Building it may be tough but definitely not at tough as maintaining it I feel But irregardless of all odds, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and I'm sure we'll defnitely stick it out Provided we dun have major character changes or misunderstandings Cos things in poly are jsut way too complicated to forsee and comprehend at time Though even if I could, I myself also allow myself to fall prey to it even*Toast* Here's to out frenship gals!
THIS WAS WHEN WE ALL COMPLAINED ABT XIU AND HER LACK OF FULLSTOPS. (i tried putting in a few then i got bored. xD haha) but either way, now it means a lot to me, knowing 3 years down the line we've gotten closer than ever... albiet a few quarrels, a lot of mishaps, each of us shed tears at one point in time, but we're still in it together!
HAHAHA THEN THERE WERE SNIPPETS ABOUT MEILING!!!
Frankly speaking I am very much sick of talking abt her or racking my brains over where to position her in projects and presentations ESPECIALLY presentations!!!!!Her probs:-fond of talking to herself during presentations-saying the wrong things-saying things that are outta pt ( she got a very good technique of making things outta pt!!!!)- LOVES and always try to skive and pass off contributions as 'decent work" ( seriously can't this woman think?How old is she already? 25? Think more than that man!!!! )
haha reading all the posts in the past... her bdays and all that... made me remember what peace we used to have... back in year 1 when we were still good with janice and all... its strange how we've grown this way.. how odd that this has happened like this. after reading it its made me regret, thinking that it could have been possible, remaining 5, or even 6 with sandy. but the truth will set in sooner or later, that its better this way.
And Jing: Yes I cheated -_- you know me la, very curious one. And also you got a good point, dunno if I can bring the letter up to the plane haha. Thanks anyway!
This was... about a letter i wrote to phy before she flew overseas... I TOLD HER TO READ IT ON THE PLANE DAMMIT! hahaha. nevermind i predicted she would cheat. hehe. i think i gave it to her on one of the exams we had?
And I bought a super super nice adidas jacket! It's black with pink lines on the sleeves and a sparkling adidas logo behind. It's a two-layered jacket..the outside one is water-resistant but the inside is cloth and has a nice pattern on it (that someone says looks like oysters).
Phy's first post on her blog. didnt realise it but she's been wearing that since 2006. its become her trademark... the shiny adidas disco ball~ hahaha. i remember when we asked her to spin arnd... just to make her look more disco-bally...
its a real revelation... reading back on the girls' blogs... thinking about the past. i guess THINKING about it doesnt make me remember as much as now.. when i look at the pictures and the memories we used to share. at some point i thought to myself "OMG I WORE THAT!?" it seemed so long ago... almost like another life.
my blog entries never went that far... mine's only about the time NUXES became NUXE.. i think it was because i was so upset with S at that time that i totally blocked that part out of my life and wanted to start anew. now i regret it... maybe if i had those posts it might mean something to me now.
those three years seemed to have passed a long time ago... and phy and xiu were always there since year 1. we've grown closer since we first met. it used to be me and janice, phyllis and shen... and xiuzhi was kinda the one being pushed back and forth (sorry girl for all that... =( ) then shen left... so phy grew closer to us... then sandy came. for a while she seemed a little odd... being new, didnt know much about us... but slowly we grew closer... then came the projects, then janice was kind of expelled i guess... since then its been the 4 of us... through everything, we grew much closer. i remember how i used to hate xiuzhi cutting my sentences, such that in the end i decided not to talk... but now i think we've both gotten used to it. now i cant think of anyone else better to call when i need a listening ear (thanks for being there girl, through desmond, kf, and especially wl). phy, as usual the chirpy one. sandy, the blur one. these two now too busy so i cant call them =( hehehe. oh well.
cant believe that i was so bored to read the past entries, but its set off this fire in me... knowing that somehow, somewhere, amidst all that i care for in SP... even if i lost everything. SP was where i lost my loves, the club, the teachers, the japanese students, the events, everything. but it was in SP that i found 3 good friends, maybe more.
this post goes out to you three girls, who've shared so much with me. we've watched each other cry, we've heard each other laugh. at one point or other, we've hurt each other as well. but more than that, despite all that, all the pain and hatred we once had, it somehow went away. and although i havent seen you girls in so long, it doesnt matter.
i miss those days we used to have.. those chalets and outings. to sentosa, lunch, birthdays, movies even. now more than ever, that scrapbook on my table means so much to me. yes its spastic and its funny, but it means more knowing the effect of each picture. its in pictures that you realise who your friends are... i remember back when they were doing the scrapbook for me, they told me they couldnt find much with janice inside... and i agreed. i guess to that extent she was never really there.
even matt agrees to that point. somehow i feel im being used. at least maybe its just me.
after i blog this i can finally go home. (yes i spent almost half an hr blogging and reading their old entries). when you have time, really go read each other's entries... it really is quite funny. reminiscing together wouldnt be as much fun because by now some of us have forgotten certain details... im kinda tempted to call xiu and talk to her about her entries. haha its so funny.
but more than that... thanks for always being there. i love you girls. ^^
BY XIU: JingYi's ATTACHED!!!! To? Aiya.... anata la... Hee Desmond san desu Haha Later she'll DEFINITELY come after me when she read this blog entry Anyway I dun care ;P Ne ne ni pu pu Haha Okok... being a bit too childish here Doubt she got any energy la these days, since she has to go and spend time with her Des san hee
LOL la that seems so long ago... i forgot all about these already.. hahaha.
looking at some of the pics still available on her blog made me think back.. when it was really us 5. NUXES version 1. makes me miss shen at some point. i mean despite all that, i dont believe it was her fault.. and the pictures prove it. everytime i look at that photo i cant help but think... why did it happen this way? but hey... life's like that. and because of that, we met sandy! you rock girl~
Before long the sesmester is gonna be over How time flies I'm rather amazed and happy over the strong frenship I had fostered over the months Much faster and stronger than anyone one of us had or can possibly imagine.
There's more to come. I'm sure Just that how the frenship will turn out, there's still much to be done. Building it may be tough but definitely not at tough as maintaining it I feel But irregardless of all odds, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and I'm sure we'll defnitely stick it out Provided we dun have major character changes or misunderstandings Cos things in poly are jsut way too complicated to forsee and comprehend at time Though even if I could, I myself also allow myself to fall prey to it even*Toast* Here's to out frenship gals!
THIS WAS WHEN WE ALL COMPLAINED ABT XIU AND HER LACK OF FULLSTOPS. (i tried putting in a few then i got bored. xD haha) but either way, now it means a lot to me, knowing 3 years down the line we've gotten closer than ever... albiet a few quarrels, a lot of mishaps, each of us shed tears at one point in time, but we're still in it together!
HAHAHA THEN THERE WERE SNIPPETS ABOUT MEILING!!!
Frankly speaking I am very much sick of talking abt her or racking my brains over where to position her in projects and presentations ESPECIALLY presentations!!!!!Her probs:-fond of talking to herself during presentations-saying the wrong things-saying things that are outta pt ( she got a very good technique of making things outta pt!!!!)- LOVES and always try to skive and pass off contributions as 'decent work" ( seriously can't this woman think?How old is she already? 25? Think more than that man!!!! )
haha reading all the posts in the past... her bdays and all that... made me remember what peace we used to have... back in year 1 when we were still good with janice and all... its strange how we've grown this way.. how odd that this has happened like this. after reading it its made me regret, thinking that it could have been possible, remaining 5, or even 6 with sandy. but the truth will set in sooner or later, that its better this way.
And Jing: Yes I cheated -_- you know me la, very curious one. And also you got a good point, dunno if I can bring the letter up to the plane haha. Thanks anyway!
This was... about a letter i wrote to phy before she flew overseas... I TOLD HER TO READ IT ON THE PLANE DAMMIT! hahaha. nevermind i predicted she would cheat. hehe. i think i gave it to her on one of the exams we had?
And I bought a super super nice adidas jacket! It's black with pink lines on the sleeves and a sparkling adidas logo behind. It's a two-layered jacket..the outside one is water-resistant but the inside is cloth and has a nice pattern on it (that someone says looks like oysters).
Phy's first post on her blog. didnt realise it but she's been wearing that since 2006. its become her trademark... the shiny adidas disco ball~ hahaha. i remember when we asked her to spin arnd... just to make her look more disco-bally...
its a real revelation... reading back on the girls' blogs... thinking about the past. i guess THINKING about it doesnt make me remember as much as now.. when i look at the pictures and the memories we used to share. at some point i thought to myself "OMG I WORE THAT!?" it seemed so long ago... almost like another life.
my blog entries never went that far... mine's only about the time NUXES became NUXE.. i think it was because i was so upset with S at that time that i totally blocked that part out of my life and wanted to start anew. now i regret it... maybe if i had those posts it might mean something to me now.
those three years seemed to have passed a long time ago... and phy and xiu were always there since year 1. we've grown closer since we first met. it used to be me and janice, phyllis and shen... and xiuzhi was kinda the one being pushed back and forth (sorry girl for all that... =( ) then shen left... so phy grew closer to us... then sandy came. for a while she seemed a little odd... being new, didnt know much about us... but slowly we grew closer... then came the projects, then janice was kind of expelled i guess... since then its been the 4 of us... through everything, we grew much closer. i remember how i used to hate xiuzhi cutting my sentences, such that in the end i decided not to talk... but now i think we've both gotten used to it. now i cant think of anyone else better to call when i need a listening ear (thanks for being there girl, through desmond, kf, and especially wl). phy, as usual the chirpy one. sandy, the blur one. these two now too busy so i cant call them =( hehehe. oh well.
cant believe that i was so bored to read the past entries, but its set off this fire in me... knowing that somehow, somewhere, amidst all that i care for in SP... even if i lost everything. SP was where i lost my loves, the club, the teachers, the japanese students, the events, everything. but it was in SP that i found 3 good friends, maybe more.
this post goes out to you three girls, who've shared so much with me. we've watched each other cry, we've heard each other laugh. at one point or other, we've hurt each other as well. but more than that, despite all that, all the pain and hatred we once had, it somehow went away. and although i havent seen you girls in so long, it doesnt matter.
i miss those days we used to have.. those chalets and outings. to sentosa, lunch, birthdays, movies even. now more than ever, that scrapbook on my table means so much to me. yes its spastic and its funny, but it means more knowing the effect of each picture. its in pictures that you realise who your friends are... i remember back when they were doing the scrapbook for me, they told me they couldnt find much with janice inside... and i agreed. i guess to that extent she was never really there.
even matt agrees to that point. somehow i feel im being used. at least maybe its just me.
after i blog this i can finally go home. (yes i spent almost half an hr blogging and reading their old entries). when you have time, really go read each other's entries... it really is quite funny. reminiscing together wouldnt be as much fun because by now some of us have forgotten certain details... im kinda tempted to call xiu and talk to her about her entries. haha its so funny.
but more than that... thanks for always being there. i love you girls. ^^
**p.s. i hope i didnt take anything too sensitive... =p if you think it is just tell me i'll get rid of it~**
havent been blogging recently (okay thats not true). part of me is making a new revamped blog. =p it looks nice if i say so myself. as soon as im done w the html i'll upload it. for now its also my desktop wallpaper. HAHAHA!
serlyn's gone to tokyo, matt's just gotten back from fukuoka/osaka... i miss going to japan. there's so many things i want to do there, so many things ive yet to learn and still want to see. mt fuji for one.
ok away from japan... (YES MUST REPLY YONE!)
xiu's about to reach her pinnacle of her journey.. and i cant wait for it~ hahahaha.
one thing that made me really upset recently was my mum. she came to me and told me off for spending more time on my friends than i do to her, neglecting her etc. i was damn pissed that day.. i didnt want to go out because i was sick and i didnt feel like moving. i even told everyone who asked me out that i wasnt free. but nooooooooooo. she had to accuse me of neglecting her, not wanting to be with her than be with my friends. GREAT RIGHT~!
after a lot of tears we kinda settled it. well not really. hai. long story.
my basic theory test is coming soon, jap class starts next week (PHYYYYY DONT FORGET!). suddenly my life seems more... lively LOL.
serlyn's gone to tokyo, matt's just gotten back from fukuoka/osaka... i miss going to japan. there's so many things i want to do there, so many things ive yet to learn and still want to see. mt fuji for one.
ok away from japan... (YES MUST REPLY YONE!)
xiu's about to reach her pinnacle of her journey.. and i cant wait for it~ hahahaha.
one thing that made me really upset recently was my mum. she came to me and told me off for spending more time on my friends than i do to her, neglecting her etc. i was damn pissed that day.. i didnt want to go out because i was sick and i didnt feel like moving. i even told everyone who asked me out that i wasnt free. but nooooooooooo. she had to accuse me of neglecting her, not wanting to be with her than be with my friends. GREAT RIGHT~!
after a lot of tears we kinda settled it. well not really. hai. long story.
my basic theory test is coming soon, jap class starts next week (PHYYYYY DONT FORGET!). suddenly my life seems more... lively LOL.
Jun 16, 2008
today was interesting. out of nowhere i bumped into desmond. HAHAHAHAHAHA. it looked like this.
i was walking along with my friend... walking around. suddenly i see this guy who looks oddly familiar... he was staring at me with this agape face... hahaha. finally i realised it really was him. (cos i thought i spotted him a few times before... false alarms)
i walked past, kinda shouted "hihi!! didnt expect to see you here!" hahahaha. in 3 years this is the first time we've really bumped into each other... guess it was kinda odd that we did.
we spent some time smsing (catching up).. joked around a little... kinda said we'll meet to catch up some time.
he's changed quite a bit... more... mature i think. he said i grew taller. im insisting he shrunk. BWAHAHHAHAHAHA!
i was walking along with my friend... walking around. suddenly i see this guy who looks oddly familiar... he was staring at me with this agape face... hahaha. finally i realised it really was him. (cos i thought i spotted him a few times before... false alarms)
i walked past, kinda shouted "hihi!! didnt expect to see you here!" hahahaha. in 3 years this is the first time we've really bumped into each other... guess it was kinda odd that we did.
we spent some time smsing (catching up).. joked around a little... kinda said we'll meet to catch up some time.
he's changed quite a bit... more... mature i think. he said i grew taller. im insisting he shrunk. BWAHAHHAHAHAHA!
Jun 12, 2008
one by one, i will fulfill my destiny.
one at a time, i'm closer to my dream.
each step i take brings me even closer
to the person i've always wanted to be.
it starts out small, baby steps at a time
motivation, determination, and perserverence
one at a time, a dream unfolds
and im closer to becoming a whole.
~~~
it started out with me taking japanese class, my aim being JLPT 1. it took me a while to get motivation to actually go for real lessons, to take the class and make myself understand... this is really something i want. this is my dream, to go to japan and understand fully... 100% what they are talking about. ive always convinced myself that i could live with it, studying on my own, that i could survive. but i was wrong. i cant. and now ive made that move to become who i really wanted to be.. this is my first move.
now today, ive officially signed up for driving lessons, and if all goes well by december i'd be legal on the road. ive always wanted to drive, i knew that. it had to be a manual... i knew that too. but i never actually thought that i could take up my courage, throw it aside, and take the lessons. but now, filled with a sudden urge only i seem to understand, i know that i must learn it.. i know that i must succeed and i will do it right the first time.
one at a time, i'm closer to my dream.
each step i take brings me even closer
to the person i've always wanted to be.
it starts out small, baby steps at a time
motivation, determination, and perserverence
one at a time, a dream unfolds
and im closer to becoming a whole.
~~~
it started out with me taking japanese class, my aim being JLPT 1. it took me a while to get motivation to actually go for real lessons, to take the class and make myself understand... this is really something i want. this is my dream, to go to japan and understand fully... 100% what they are talking about. ive always convinced myself that i could live with it, studying on my own, that i could survive. but i was wrong. i cant. and now ive made that move to become who i really wanted to be.. this is my first move.
now today, ive officially signed up for driving lessons, and if all goes well by december i'd be legal on the road. ive always wanted to drive, i knew that. it had to be a manual... i knew that too. but i never actually thought that i could take up my courage, throw it aside, and take the lessons. but now, filled with a sudden urge only i seem to understand, i know that i must learn it.. i know that i must succeed and i will do it right the first time.
Jun 10, 2008
Jun 7, 2008
went out with xiuzhi today... was quite fun. we spent a lot of time talking, about past relationships, about other people, and we came to the conclusion.... we need more time to catch up!
she's getting rounder and rounder, but its kinda fun. i miss having them around... but i need to get new contacts!!! hahahahahaha!!!! i lost my contacts while on the road... so i spent one day being so... one eyed... =p haha
she's getting rounder and rounder, but its kinda fun. i miss having them around... but i need to get new contacts!!! hahahahahaha!!!! i lost my contacts while on the road... so i spent one day being so... one eyed... =p haha
Jun 4, 2008
its over officially. im going to just take it and move on. i guess in a way maybe its come as a relief? i dont know why but i guess we were never meant to be more than just friends. so i've lost a boyfriend, but i found a good friend instead. in my books thats still winning. at least i've found another good friend i can trust my secrets to, someone that will give me advice when i need it, and most importantly someone that can trust me with theirs too.
im starting to think that maybe this was what it was supposed to be. rather than a bf/gf relationship that might turn sour, at least this is a friendship im quite sure will last.
ive been upset and maybe tormented for almost 3 to 4 days... but now that its over.. maybe the tormenting helped. maybe im just happy that its over, so that i dont have to torture myself waiting like the last time.
special thanks to the people who were there for me, even if they had no idea what i wanted to say... all the more.. one very special thanks to a girl... GIRL UR THE BOMB! lols.
im starting to think that maybe this was what it was supposed to be. rather than a bf/gf relationship that might turn sour, at least this is a friendship im quite sure will last.
ive been upset and maybe tormented for almost 3 to 4 days... but now that its over.. maybe the tormenting helped. maybe im just happy that its over, so that i dont have to torture myself waiting like the last time.
special thanks to the people who were there for me, even if they had no idea what i wanted to say... all the more.. one very special thanks to a girl... GIRL UR THE BOMB! lols.
Jun 3, 2008
im worried about myself. and worried about everything else. i really dont know whats happening to my body, its not that im getting weaker or anything. its just that.. my body is beginning to think that it no longer needs physical necessities to survive. its been a long time since ive eaten a full meal, and i feel no hunger in me. i always threw it aside, thinking that as long as i drank enough water i'll be okay. but for the first time today, i actually puked the water out, and i cant swallow much.
its not voluntary, telling me "try to eat" is not going to help. im trying but if my body is unwilling to accept it i cant do anything about it.
~~
it's not helping that im kinda being forced to work at my dad's place. its not that i dont want to help him, just that 1. its an environment i know nothing, nor enjoy being in. 2. i feel like im being reduced to some secretary. i will probably never tell them that, but i cant take it anymore. 2 days being there has shown me only 1 thing... i hate it. its not the environment... its more like... i guess its just me, totally not enjoying being reduced to a secretary.
~~
back to my worries.. i dont know.. how can u see signs that you're aneroxic?
im worried about him too.. he doesnt show it but im sure he's under a lot of stress.. i hope it blows over soon.. then at least i can help him with it and not just sit here, far away, and watch him suffer.
its not voluntary, telling me "try to eat" is not going to help. im trying but if my body is unwilling to accept it i cant do anything about it.
~~
it's not helping that im kinda being forced to work at my dad's place. its not that i dont want to help him, just that 1. its an environment i know nothing, nor enjoy being in. 2. i feel like im being reduced to some secretary. i will probably never tell them that, but i cant take it anymore. 2 days being there has shown me only 1 thing... i hate it. its not the environment... its more like... i guess its just me, totally not enjoying being reduced to a secretary.
~~
back to my worries.. i dont know.. how can u see signs that you're aneroxic?
im worried about him too.. he doesnt show it but im sure he's under a lot of stress.. i hope it blows over soon.. then at least i can help him with it and not just sit here, far away, and watch him suffer.
Jun 2, 2008
i know its a weird time and a weird topic... but this is only one plea. im very worried about matt right now... i just hope he's safe... wherever he is. i just hope he's okay...
my mind has been doing knots and crosses all day, but i finally realise what im doing. im being an idiot. im hiding the truth from myself because the truth is something i know i might not accept. im trying not to hurt myself because i know it'll hurt him. im trying to be strong, so he knows i can be there for him.
ive been thinking selfishly recently... all worried about my own feelings, and neglected his feelings. im really sorry. ive told no one this. ive told no one my true feelings. my hidden feelings, sure. but now i realise. its not that i dont love him, not that i can give him up. that's all just a cover for me to say "look if we dont get back together its okay".
truth is... he means more to me than anything else. i know that now. after worrying about his safety, ive come to understand that. i have feelings for him, feelings i will not let go. i wont tell him any of this, not now. but i will wait.
~~
on a worst side, i slammed right into the metal pole on the bus today. i was sitting on one of those side seats (xiu pls take note and dont sit there, actually NO ONE SIT THERE!) now.. i was on the seat that was next to the "exit door"... and there was a woman on the other seat with one seat between us. the pole was next to her leg, which meant it was one chair away from me. i was listening to my mp3 on the way home, when suddenly something happened.
before i could understand it, i had appeared on the middle seat, with a very bad headache and a strange pain in my right shoulder and left ankle/knee area. i then realised the bus uncle broke suddenly, and i slid a seat and crashed headfirst into the metal pole.
my first reaction however, was "thank goodness it was me and not some random pregnant woman". i hesitate to think what would happen. but even now my head, shoulder and knee/ankle aches... but right now im too worried to think about anything else. my pain is insignificant right now. all i want is for him to be safe.
my mind has been doing knots and crosses all day, but i finally realise what im doing. im being an idiot. im hiding the truth from myself because the truth is something i know i might not accept. im trying not to hurt myself because i know it'll hurt him. im trying to be strong, so he knows i can be there for him.
ive been thinking selfishly recently... all worried about my own feelings, and neglected his feelings. im really sorry. ive told no one this. ive told no one my true feelings. my hidden feelings, sure. but now i realise. its not that i dont love him, not that i can give him up. that's all just a cover for me to say "look if we dont get back together its okay".
truth is... he means more to me than anything else. i know that now. after worrying about his safety, ive come to understand that. i have feelings for him, feelings i will not let go. i wont tell him any of this, not now. but i will wait.
~~
on a worst side, i slammed right into the metal pole on the bus today. i was sitting on one of those side seats (xiu pls take note and dont sit there, actually NO ONE SIT THERE!) now.. i was on the seat that was next to the "exit door"... and there was a woman on the other seat with one seat between us. the pole was next to her leg, which meant it was one chair away from me. i was listening to my mp3 on the way home, when suddenly something happened.
before i could understand it, i had appeared on the middle seat, with a very bad headache and a strange pain in my right shoulder and left ankle/knee area. i then realised the bus uncle broke suddenly, and i slid a seat and crashed headfirst into the metal pole.
my first reaction however, was "thank goodness it was me and not some random pregnant woman". i hesitate to think what would happen. but even now my head, shoulder and knee/ankle aches... but right now im too worried to think about anything else. my pain is insignificant right now. all i want is for him to be safe.
found this on my sis' blog.. dunno why i gg to do it.
1) At what age do you wish to marry?
i dont know. marriage to me seems so far away still. i know i want to in the end. but to me marriage is like a sacred treasure that im just not ready for.
2) Study hard or play hard?
if possible, i'd rather a combination of both. i cant play hard knowing i didnt study, and its not as fun playing if you didnt work your ass off to get here in the first place. so rather than picking one, its more like... "study hard, so you can play even harder".
3) Who is the person you trust the most?
i have a few people i trust the most, one of which is my dearest friend kristy. she's been through everything with me. i also know i can trust matthew, even as a friend. back when we first met, we could tell each other anything, and it was because i trusted him that made me this way.
4) Do you think you have enough confidence?
No. I'm a paranoid person, who's trying to get over my cases of severe-paranoism, if only they didnt always turn out right. So i guess confidence is... relative depending on what you're trying to achieve.
5) If you can have a dream, what would it be?
i stopped having dreams many years ago. dreams to me meant that it wont ever happen. my dreams, no my goals, will come true. dreams are meant to remain dreams, just like myths and legends. if you believe strongly enough, you'll get just where you want to be.
6) Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Yes. After you're sad and emotional, everything always seems a lot better when you put it into perspective. It took me a while to get to this stage, but it's all a part of life. knowing that it hurts you more than anything, and knowing that you're strong enough to move on. my rainbow used to be knowing that they'll get what they deserve in the end, and knowing i'll do it on my own. but now, it's just knowing that i know i could hurt them if i wanted to.
7) What is your goal for this year?
my goal for this year is the same as any other. go through life, and become a stronger person. i dont think im weak now, but i know that unless i grow stronger, i can never be free. i know how this world works, i know my intuition is right. i just need the courage to follow it.
8) Do you believe in eternity love?
Maybe, but i have yet to see it.
9) Have you broken someone's heart that he/she tried to commit suicide?
No, but someone has broken my heart that I tried to commit suicide, almost. Then i realised why give him the pleasure, instead choosing to haunt him and prove that i can live on without him.
1o) What feeling do you love the most?
The feeling of exhiliration and thrill, adrenaline pumping in your veins. The rush of speed and the touch of glory.
11) What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
I can live with almost any kind of guy. Physically or characteristically. My requirements simply means that he learns it on his own. If i tell him my requirements it just makes him try to fulfill it, and i feel no emotion if he does. But if he fulfills it without knowing what it is, then it means something to me.
12) What feeling do you hate the most?
Inferiority. I hate the feeling of knowing im inferior and i'm on the losing end. It just makes me want to fight even harder to prove that even with the absence of physical ranks, its still possible to win.
13) Do you cherish every friendship of yours?
No. I've been used enough to know not to be naive and cherish every friendship. I cherish the ones that mean something to me, the ones that have gone through life and death with me. In short, i cherish the ones that know that if I had to kill them, even if they did nt know the reason, they would know that i have a reason for it, and understand and not blame me. Because these are the friends that i would go through life and death for, and i know that they'll do the same for me.
14) What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
The fact that knowing one day my life will end, and until then i strive to attain everything i can. I will not go down without a fight.
15) Who do you hope to be always there for you?
I dont hope for people to be there for me. I only hope to know who i can trust and who i cant. Many people will be there for you, it's only a matter of whether their advice is true to their intentions.
16) Do you believe in God?
No. I do believe there's someone out there watching over us, but as much as controlling our lives, maybe not so. Our lives are created the moment our names are given and we are born. Because of that, we cant control our lives either. But... I dont believe in a God because i know i have a control over my own life. my decisions make me who i am. as long as i can kill myself when i want to, no one can control my life.
17) Who is your best friend?
Kristy, without a doubt. She's already been there for me for almost 7 years now...
18) Who cares for you the most?
I wish I knew. Maybe im too selfish i dont see what people have put in for me... but i know there are people who care for me out there. People like aloy who watched over me despite everything else, people like matthew who knew what i felt, but only he was a friend enough to tell it to my face. People like Kristy, who was always there for me. People like Xiu, Phy and San... who would give me both their ears and a shoulder if i needed. Not to mention my sis, who apparently has grown up more than i ever thought.
19) Who do you love most?
myself. if you cant love even yourself, then you cant love anyone else.
1) At what age do you wish to marry?
i dont know. marriage to me seems so far away still. i know i want to in the end. but to me marriage is like a sacred treasure that im just not ready for.
2) Study hard or play hard?
if possible, i'd rather a combination of both. i cant play hard knowing i didnt study, and its not as fun playing if you didnt work your ass off to get here in the first place. so rather than picking one, its more like... "study hard, so you can play even harder".
3) Who is the person you trust the most?
i have a few people i trust the most, one of which is my dearest friend kristy. she's been through everything with me. i also know i can trust matthew, even as a friend. back when we first met, we could tell each other anything, and it was because i trusted him that made me this way.
4) Do you think you have enough confidence?
No. I'm a paranoid person, who's trying to get over my cases of severe-paranoism, if only they didnt always turn out right. So i guess confidence is... relative depending on what you're trying to achieve.
5) If you can have a dream, what would it be?
i stopped having dreams many years ago. dreams to me meant that it wont ever happen. my dreams, no my goals, will come true. dreams are meant to remain dreams, just like myths and legends. if you believe strongly enough, you'll get just where you want to be.
6) Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Yes. After you're sad and emotional, everything always seems a lot better when you put it into perspective. It took me a while to get to this stage, but it's all a part of life. knowing that it hurts you more than anything, and knowing that you're strong enough to move on. my rainbow used to be knowing that they'll get what they deserve in the end, and knowing i'll do it on my own. but now, it's just knowing that i know i could hurt them if i wanted to.
7) What is your goal for this year?
my goal for this year is the same as any other. go through life, and become a stronger person. i dont think im weak now, but i know that unless i grow stronger, i can never be free. i know how this world works, i know my intuition is right. i just need the courage to follow it.
8) Do you believe in eternity love?
Maybe, but i have yet to see it.
9) Have you broken someone's heart that he/she tried to commit suicide?
No, but someone has broken my heart that I tried to commit suicide, almost. Then i realised why give him the pleasure, instead choosing to haunt him and prove that i can live on without him.
1o) What feeling do you love the most?
The feeling of exhiliration and thrill, adrenaline pumping in your veins. The rush of speed and the touch of glory.
11) What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
I can live with almost any kind of guy. Physically or characteristically. My requirements simply means that he learns it on his own. If i tell him my requirements it just makes him try to fulfill it, and i feel no emotion if he does. But if he fulfills it without knowing what it is, then it means something to me.
12) What feeling do you hate the most?
Inferiority. I hate the feeling of knowing im inferior and i'm on the losing end. It just makes me want to fight even harder to prove that even with the absence of physical ranks, its still possible to win.
13) Do you cherish every friendship of yours?
No. I've been used enough to know not to be naive and cherish every friendship. I cherish the ones that mean something to me, the ones that have gone through life and death with me. In short, i cherish the ones that know that if I had to kill them, even if they did nt know the reason, they would know that i have a reason for it, and understand and not blame me. Because these are the friends that i would go through life and death for, and i know that they'll do the same for me.
14) What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
The fact that knowing one day my life will end, and until then i strive to attain everything i can. I will not go down without a fight.
15) Who do you hope to be always there for you?
I dont hope for people to be there for me. I only hope to know who i can trust and who i cant. Many people will be there for you, it's only a matter of whether their advice is true to their intentions.
16) Do you believe in God?
No. I do believe there's someone out there watching over us, but as much as controlling our lives, maybe not so. Our lives are created the moment our names are given and we are born. Because of that, we cant control our lives either. But... I dont believe in a God because i know i have a control over my own life. my decisions make me who i am. as long as i can kill myself when i want to, no one can control my life.
17) Who is your best friend?
Kristy, without a doubt. She's already been there for me for almost 7 years now...
18) Who cares for you the most?
I wish I knew. Maybe im too selfish i dont see what people have put in for me... but i know there are people who care for me out there. People like aloy who watched over me despite everything else, people like matthew who knew what i felt, but only he was a friend enough to tell it to my face. People like Kristy, who was always there for me. People like Xiu, Phy and San... who would give me both their ears and a shoulder if i needed. Not to mention my sis, who apparently has grown up more than i ever thought.
19) Who do you love most?
myself. if you cant love even yourself, then you cant love anyone else.
the path i have to go towards is clear. i now know what i want. after thinking about it for one day straight, i finally know what i intend to do. i thank kristy and shiko, two of whom could listen to me. each time im riding this rollercoaster i feel ups and downs, i feel happiness, then pain. its this never-ending cycle that i never thought i would have to go through again.
but now my head is clear, my mind is set. i know what i intend to do, i know how to move forward. and because of that, i can be strong for you. before this, i didnt know what to think, i didnt know what i was going to do. but now i know.. i know what i must do. like you said, i'll support you, and i'll be strong for you.
i dont know if this road will start again, or if this road will end... but either way... i know how i want it to end. now it's just a matter of fantasy and reality.
but now my head is clear, my mind is set. i know what i intend to do, i know how to move forward. and because of that, i can be strong for you. before this, i didnt know what to think, i didnt know what i was going to do. but now i know.. i know what i must do. like you said, i'll support you, and i'll be strong for you.
i dont know if this road will start again, or if this road will end... but either way... i know how i want it to end. now it's just a matter of fantasy and reality.
Jun 1, 2008
i've finally found the motivation to start my exercise regime... eating less now (not that im forcing myself not to eat, just lost my apetite...) and starting my exercise regime.. not easy to maintain, but i'll get it anyway... ive already lost quite a bit of weight =D maintaining it was kinda the problemmm...=x
May 30, 2008
graduation has come and gone before i even knew it... and now all that's left are memories of the past 3 years. the pain, the suffering, and not to forget the happiness. the estacy of finishing a project, the jubilation of knowing that when you're about to fall, your friends are there to catch you. at one point in time or another, we all quarrelled with each other... but that only made us realise who our real friends are.
and it was because of them that i decided to go for graduation...
graduation 2008... made us seem like we were gathering for the best reasons ever.. but in fact i felt nothing different. after all, people like xiu and phy i meet almost every week or so... so what's the big deal in it? i guess friends-wise i felt no different from any other day...
me and xiu were sitting 2 chairs apart from each other... and we kept communications through SMSes... talking about how some people didnt look like they were smiling, about the speech and everything else. likewise the speech made me feel absolutely nothing. maybe it was the speaker, maybe it was the speech, i dont know. but the speech felt fake to me. all those memories they spoke of, made me think how hypocritical it all is... but maybe its just me unable to let all those things go.
phyllis... happy as a bird! she got us all in the mood of taking photographs, insisting that it'll be the last time we'll be in school... flapping her "wings" around like some kind of eagle. i can see why she's happy... but for the same reasons i cant exactly feel happy.
sandy and fitri... that day was their 2 year anniversary... hard to imagine that it's already been two years since then... hahaha. sandy was so happy when fit wanted to take a picture with her. she was almost jumping around...
me and fauzia... it's a little blur but the only picture i have with fauzia. she was one of the reasons i decided to go for graduation...
me and sandy and the end of the ceremony~ we were looking for xiuzhi and decided not to wait for her. i signed up for SP alumni... at least made me feel as though i havent really left yet...
me and weiting... it was a coincidence we managed to have the same slot. weiting was there at one of the most important points in my life in SP... both at the highest (KTC) and the lowest... because of that, although we never really met through the trip... we became quite close AFTERwards...
shawn phyllis and sandy... hahaha. half of the people that have been through a lot of problems and projects together... felt kind of good seeing them altogether.
phyllis and her parents. this was a sideway shot.. but i think it turned out pretty nice. =D
and it was because of them that i decided to go for graduation...
graduation 2008... made us seem like we were gathering for the best reasons ever.. but in fact i felt nothing different. after all, people like xiu and phy i meet almost every week or so... so what's the big deal in it? i guess friends-wise i felt no different from any other day...
me and xiu were sitting 2 chairs apart from each other... and we kept communications through SMSes... talking about how some people didnt look like they were smiling, about the speech and everything else. likewise the speech made me feel absolutely nothing. maybe it was the speaker, maybe it was the speech, i dont know. but the speech felt fake to me. all those memories they spoke of, made me think how hypocritical it all is... but maybe its just me unable to let all those things go.
phyllis... happy as a bird! she got us all in the mood of taking photographs, insisting that it'll be the last time we'll be in school... flapping her "wings" around like some kind of eagle. i can see why she's happy... but for the same reasons i cant exactly feel happy.
sandy and fitri... that day was their 2 year anniversary... hard to imagine that it's already been two years since then... hahaha. sandy was so happy when fit wanted to take a picture with her. she was almost jumping around...
me and fauzia... it's a little blur but the only picture i have with fauzia. she was one of the reasons i decided to go for graduation...
me and sandy and the end of the ceremony~ we were looking for xiuzhi and decided not to wait for her. i signed up for SP alumni... at least made me feel as though i havent really left yet...
me and weiting... it was a coincidence we managed to have the same slot. weiting was there at one of the most important points in my life in SP... both at the highest (KTC) and the lowest... because of that, although we never really met through the trip... we became quite close AFTERwards...
shawn phyllis and sandy... hahaha. half of the people that have been through a lot of problems and projects together... felt kind of good seeing them altogether.
phyllis and her parents. this was a sideway shot.. but i think it turned out pretty nice. =Dit was only after that that tezuka messaged me asking me where i was. he came down with teck wee to find me. =)
tezuka and me... i hope everything works well for him... especially with the club. was kinda sad to hear that he fractured his arm... tezuka kun... dont stress yourself out too much... these kinda things just take one step at a time. i know its harder now with the "tenshi" involved, but... you'll get through it. i believe in you ^^ shinjite ne~
farhan and tezuka... another that was there during the highest point in my life (KTC). he wasnt graduating but we happened to see him there~ lols
---
Since we're talking about this... i'll write a list of things that i loved and hated in my life at SP.
Xiuzhi, Phyllis and Sandy
These girls have been through everything with me, especially xiuzhi and phyllis, who have stuck with me since year 1 despite all the rubbish we've been through. all the quarrels and all the project stress made us all irritated with one another at some time... but the birthday parties, chalets and all those happy times definitely made up for it.
Tezuka, Sophia, Joy, Ruth, Joseph, Windi
The new committee of Singapore Polytechnic Student Exchange Club... good luck guys. Sophia, Joy, Windi, i have had the opportunity to work with you guys during ANCT, and i loved every moment of it! Tezuka, Joseph & Ruth, i've been working with you three for one year now, and despite whatever you may think, i know you can do it.. because to me you've already done it before. Just keep a cool head and you can do anything, I know it.
Hiryuu, Weiting
You two are the closest two I made friends with during KTC... and because of different reasons I will never forget you two. Hiryuu, you were there at the worst point in my life, when i couldn't move on you were there to help me and talk me through it. Weiting, you were there when i needed someone to talk to: your constant support meant more to me than anything.
Lecturers
I dont know if Ms Kwa you'll read this... but if you do, please extend my thanks to all my lecturers... without all of you i wouldn't have made it this far, neither would i have known what i was good at. Thank you all of you~
SPSEC Members
To all the members of SPSEC, thanks to all of you. I've made good friends to some of you... thank you.
Grace, Ms Angel, Mrs Lim, Helmi
Especially to the four of you, thank you for all you've done for the club. Especially to Mrs Lim, who I've worked with more often than anyone. I can daresay that you knew me more than any teacher, that you saw me more than anyone ever did. Grace, for everything you've done for us, thank you. Ms Angel and Helmi, although i've never had much of an opportunity to work with you, i'm sure you'll bring the club to brighter heights. Please dont kill Aloysius ^^
Kaifon, Peiwen, Szeyuan
You three have taught me all I knew about the club. It was because of you three that made me who I am today. I was able to lead because you taught me how, and I hoped that I did it to the best of my ability.
When you look at the big picture, you dont notice anything. But when i think about the small things, the small landmarks in my life SP has given me a chance to do.
1. Meeting Principal Low Wong Fook
2. Meeting Principal Tan Heng Cheong
3. Going to Miyazaki in 2005
4. Going to Kanazawa in 2007
5. Internship at Mediacorp
6. Leadership Training Camp/Cruise in 2006
7. A chance to test my leadership skills
8. Meeting friends like Xiuzhi and Phyllis and Sandy (SHAWN EVEN!)
And so many more things that SP has given me a chance to see, visit, or experience. Thank you. I leave SP with good memories, but I know that as longa s i'm an alumni, i will never truly leave SP.
Thank you.
**as for what i hate... i dont really hate anything anymore. because i know that people that i hated, people that i detested and fought over... they made me stronger too**
To these people (Lydia, Nicholas, Andrew and so many more), remember that it was you that made me who i am today. i fought back because it was you. it was not to prove that i was weak, or to prove that i was strong. rather, it was to prove that i was human. it did not matter to me whether or not you care that you've been a part of my life.. but it was my hatred for you, that made me fight back,that made me who i am today. it made me strong, and taught me to fight for myself.
May 28, 2008
tomorrow's graduation. i dont know whether i feel happy or not that graduation day has arrived. maybe i just feel skeptical about the fact that tomorrow's not going to be one of those "hiii havent seen you in a long time" scenarios.
we'll see. im prepared to whack people with a stick! xD
anyway... i went out w my sis today.. i guess you can say we had a great time together. even if im really tired now but its okay... tomorrow's graduation i have to wake up EARLY!
oh yeah i dont know if i mentioned this before, because im too tired, but i had a haircut yesterday... feels really weird now.. i dont know im too used to my long hair. i cut it slightly shorter... definitely shorter than before, but still long... xD hmmms. what am i gg to do with it!?
we'll see. im prepared to whack people with a stick! xD
anyway... i went out w my sis today.. i guess you can say we had a great time together. even if im really tired now but its okay... tomorrow's graduation i have to wake up EARLY!
oh yeah i dont know if i mentioned this before, because im too tired, but i had a haircut yesterday... feels really weird now.. i dont know im too used to my long hair. i cut it slightly shorter... definitely shorter than before, but still long... xD hmmms. what am i gg to do with it!?
May 27, 2008
May 25, 2008
today was probably the best day of my life?
2am - talked to phy and planned party for sandy.. didnt really go as planned though... (at the same time, talking to new found official bf ^^)
9am - woke up. (CRAP IM LATE) hurried to bathe and get ready. apparently EVERYONE else was late too?
11am - met xiu at new york new york! ^^ we started writing letters before phyphy called to announce she's lost at millenia walk...
12nn - waiting for sandy...
1pm - sandy finally arrives, and party begins~ we got her a small chocolate cake, and sang her happy birthday. we initially intended to pay for her meal as well, and she was so shocked about that part! we hid our letters in her menu, so when she opened it everything fell out.
3pm - walked around suntec (sandy wanted to get some stuff for fit)... i left at about 4.30pm to meet matt.
4.30pm - met matt at sengkang... ^^ he got lost too~ hahahas. we went to yoshinoya (someone was hungry). we then headed off to this bench at sengkang to... supposedly watch initial D... but i was interrupted by a distress call from my sister. and its got me thinking as to how much of a failure of a sis i have been... maybe if i had told her my experiences, shared with her my life stories when i had them, maybe she wont be in this stage now... i just hope that everything turns out fine...
after that time became a... forgotten factor. we headed off to kovan, got 2 cans (the big ones) of baron strong beer, and headed off to this little park to watch initial d... to be honest i only drank about 1/2 of one can... and i got seriously high. matt was saying im so high i cant walk straight. and for a while there it really was true.
but it was sweet nonetheless... just sitting there rotting, listening to the songs his band played before... talking about how we came this way from online friends... mortal enemies online nonetheless... it was funny how he was telling me his friends wanted to meet me and all... its really starting to sink in now. im officially attached.
talking to him for the first time since being officially attached was an eye opener.. i mean for one i didnt have to look around and worry we'd be spotted. AND I FOUND WEAK SPOTS~~ BWAHAHAHAHA.
(and no, i dont have pics of him. DONT ASK XD)
it's really a special first date.. cos we did stupid things... made maggie noodles, ate them at the roadside... watched initial d... drank a little... played stupid things... hahahahaa. but was fun. especially getting woozy. everything in the world seemed so funny. hahaha.
2am - talked to phy and planned party for sandy.. didnt really go as planned though... (at the same time, talking to new found official bf ^^)
9am - woke up. (CRAP IM LATE) hurried to bathe and get ready. apparently EVERYONE else was late too?
11am - met xiu at new york new york! ^^ we started writing letters before phyphy called to announce she's lost at millenia walk...
12nn - waiting for sandy...
1pm - sandy finally arrives, and party begins~ we got her a small chocolate cake, and sang her happy birthday. we initially intended to pay for her meal as well, and she was so shocked about that part! we hid our letters in her menu, so when she opened it everything fell out.
3pm - walked around suntec (sandy wanted to get some stuff for fit)... i left at about 4.30pm to meet matt.
4.30pm - met matt at sengkang... ^^ he got lost too~ hahahas. we went to yoshinoya (someone was hungry). we then headed off to this bench at sengkang to... supposedly watch initial D... but i was interrupted by a distress call from my sister. and its got me thinking as to how much of a failure of a sis i have been... maybe if i had told her my experiences, shared with her my life stories when i had them, maybe she wont be in this stage now... i just hope that everything turns out fine...
after that time became a... forgotten factor. we headed off to kovan, got 2 cans (the big ones) of baron strong beer, and headed off to this little park to watch initial d... to be honest i only drank about 1/2 of one can... and i got seriously high. matt was saying im so high i cant walk straight. and for a while there it really was true.
but it was sweet nonetheless... just sitting there rotting, listening to the songs his band played before... talking about how we came this way from online friends... mortal enemies online nonetheless... it was funny how he was telling me his friends wanted to meet me and all... its really starting to sink in now. im officially attached.
talking to him for the first time since being officially attached was an eye opener.. i mean for one i didnt have to look around and worry we'd be spotted. AND I FOUND WEAK SPOTS~~ BWAHAHAHAHA.
(and no, i dont have pics of him. DONT ASK XD)
it's really a special first date.. cos we did stupid things... made maggie noodles, ate them at the roadside... watched initial d... drank a little... played stupid things... hahahahaa. but was fun. especially getting woozy. everything in the world seemed so funny. hahaha.
May 23, 2008
May 20, 2008
ok i imagine this to be a super long post! prior to this i never had the time, nor did i want to blog about anything. my life so far has been pretty... topsy turvy... but nothing too extreme. and no, i havent fallen off the roller coaster yet. (okay maybe after the end of this post, i might have fallen off)..
everything is happening in a millisecond. even as i type this winds can change. even i dont know what im talking about anymore. sometimes i wonder if im thinking right, whether everything im doing has a hidden meaning to it. i convince myself countless of times im not, because i know myself well enough: if i plan to do something for a hidden meaning, i would know what it is. i would plan it flawlessly, seamlessly, making sure that nothing would go wrong, before i act.
even as i type this i constantly ask myself what im doing. im fighting a huge battle against myself... a battle i dont know whether i want to win or not. either way, someone's going to get hurt. either way, things will change. i dont know if im doing this for myself, or for the "better good". for once, even i dont know what i want.
i'll be meeting the girls this... saturday. depending on the situation i think i'll wait the 6 days out. not because i want to have false hopes. but rather because i dont want to kill myself thinking that i THOUGHT once.
i dont even know what im thinking anymore. for once i want the answers there for me, for me to cheat and copy. but especially at this time, i have to think for myself what i want...
ok now this post seems short.
i dont feel like writing anymore.
heck i dont even feel like publishing it.
everything is happening in a millisecond. even as i type this winds can change. even i dont know what im talking about anymore. sometimes i wonder if im thinking right, whether everything im doing has a hidden meaning to it. i convince myself countless of times im not, because i know myself well enough: if i plan to do something for a hidden meaning, i would know what it is. i would plan it flawlessly, seamlessly, making sure that nothing would go wrong, before i act.
even as i type this i constantly ask myself what im doing. im fighting a huge battle against myself... a battle i dont know whether i want to win or not. either way, someone's going to get hurt. either way, things will change. i dont know if im doing this for myself, or for the "better good". for once, even i dont know what i want.
i'll be meeting the girls this... saturday. depending on the situation i think i'll wait the 6 days out. not because i want to have false hopes. but rather because i dont want to kill myself thinking that i THOUGHT once.
i dont even know what im thinking anymore. for once i want the answers there for me, for me to cheat and copy. but especially at this time, i have to think for myself what i want...
ok now this post seems short.
i dont feel like writing anymore.
heck i dont even feel like publishing it.
May 18, 2008
i went blading today... was fun cept i REALISED im seriously in need of exercising... plus the blades tore a hole in one of my legs, and a bubble in the other. NEVERMIND i'll wear stockings~ anything is possible!
a few problems have arouse in my life, nothing i regret, nothing i dont want happening to happen. but needless to say there are a few minor bumps in the road... wonder how the "hurricane" in my life will pass? xiu had hers a while back, and it was a breeze. my hurricane, though in reason has nothing in common to xiu's... but still somewhat i predict a major one... nothing tsunami style, but at least.. twister style...
phy already knows about it... xiu knows a little. sandy so far knows nothing. im hoping the girls wont "share information" because i wanna tell them all at one shot. but... i have to wait. there's a time and place it has to be done... and the 24th might not be the right time/place... im sure u all will understand in time to come. i promise i'll give you a full-length, DETAILED explanation.
so much has been on my mind, going through my life lately, that i dont see the missing links. but im enjoying every moment of it, and i love each second that passes.
even if the thunder and lightning were to strike right here, right now, i'll be okay with it. i've already gone through everything in life... ive already seen all i want to see. i know my dreams exist somewhere.. and i've finally found that place.
a few problems have arouse in my life, nothing i regret, nothing i dont want happening to happen. but needless to say there are a few minor bumps in the road... wonder how the "hurricane" in my life will pass? xiu had hers a while back, and it was a breeze. my hurricane, though in reason has nothing in common to xiu's... but still somewhat i predict a major one... nothing tsunami style, but at least.. twister style...
phy already knows about it... xiu knows a little. sandy so far knows nothing. im hoping the girls wont "share information" because i wanna tell them all at one shot. but... i have to wait. there's a time and place it has to be done... and the 24th might not be the right time/place... im sure u all will understand in time to come. i promise i'll give you a full-length, DETAILED explanation.
so much has been on my mind, going through my life lately, that i dont see the missing links. but im enjoying every moment of it, and i love each second that passes.
even if the thunder and lightning were to strike right here, right now, i'll be okay with it. i've already gone through everything in life... ive already seen all i want to see. i know my dreams exist somewhere.. and i've finally found that place.
May 15, 2008
I think i'm going to do a major outlook change on my blog when i have time... but now i shall write a new wishlist..
1. a new lappie
VAIO VGN-CR23G... i am looking at these 3 colors... the white looks like a mac. i dont want a fake mac. i think the stats on these are pretty cool. i want a new lappie because i have a gut feeling this one is dying soon.. poor hikari.
MAC. after looking at my sis' and fren's mac.. im very tempted to get one... its not as hard to use as i thought... and it looks nice white. but... hmmmm... guess i'll look into it more...
2. New HP
I'm not looking very into this yet, because mine still works, but the temptation is there. i want a flip phone this time, i dont know why lols. xD stil looking into this.
3. New camera
anyone who knows me well knows my camera is like dying... and i want to replace it. but cameras i have 2 criteria..
1. i dont want it to be too idiot-proof, i want something that i can manually play around with... has macro and all those functions so i can take better shots.
2. it has to be weatherproof, better if waterproof as well. this is simple cos i travel quite a lot and if its not weatherproof i dont feel safe bringing it overseas especially in japan... i saw a few cameras belonging to my friends dying... so im not taking any risks.
so because of this, im looking into sony cameras or olympus cameras... right now im slanting more towards the sony cams...
4. new wallet
i want something sleek and small that i can put in my pockets... not the stupid chunky one i have now lols.
5. JLPT 1
this ive made 1 step towards... lessons beginning soon~ cant wait!
6. Driving license
i'll start this as soon as i start work =D
things like these are added to jeans (which i need)... and a few other stuffs... but this is what i need for now.
1. a new lappie
VAIO VGN-CR23G... i am looking at these 3 colors... the white looks like a mac. i dont want a fake mac. i think the stats on these are pretty cool. i want a new lappie because i have a gut feeling this one is dying soon.. poor hikari.
MAC. after looking at my sis' and fren's mac.. im very tempted to get one... its not as hard to use as i thought... and it looks nice white. but... hmmmm... guess i'll look into it more...
2. New HP
I'm not looking very into this yet, because mine still works, but the temptation is there. i want a flip phone this time, i dont know why lols. xD stil looking into this.
3. New camera
anyone who knows me well knows my camera is like dying... and i want to replace it. but cameras i have 2 criteria..
1. i dont want it to be too idiot-proof, i want something that i can manually play around with... has macro and all those functions so i can take better shots.
2. it has to be weatherproof, better if waterproof as well. this is simple cos i travel quite a lot and if its not weatherproof i dont feel safe bringing it overseas especially in japan... i saw a few cameras belonging to my friends dying... so im not taking any risks.
so because of this, im looking into sony cameras or olympus cameras... right now im slanting more towards the sony cams...
4. new wallet
i want something sleek and small that i can put in my pockets... not the stupid chunky one i have now lols.
5. JLPT 1
this ive made 1 step towards... lessons beginning soon~ cant wait!
6. Driving license
i'll start this as soon as i start work =D
things like these are added to jeans (which i need)... and a few other stuffs... but this is what i need for now.
May 11, 2008
a long time ago someone told me i was someone who knew right from wrong, who could tell the difference from the darkness and the light. i was someone, who thought up evil thoughts, who loved the idea of rebellion, who wanted nothing else but to be different.
but thinking it, and doing it later on, is two totally different things. you can say your an evil mastermind, but that just really means you have no guts to do anything. you never realise that you have no guts, until one fine day, you cross the line. the line you've subconsciously set for yourself, you cross. and what for, you dont even know.
you try to hold on to your dignity, you try to tell yourself that at least... nothing worse happened. but you know, deep inside, you're guilty. you know deep inside, you want to escape, to just run away where no one will care and leave everything else behind.
the desire for speed suddenly is rushing back to me, i remember the adrenaline when i ran for the school: the cheers, the glory and the fame meant nothing to me. it was the rush that meant so much to me. the feeling of knowing that i did the best i could, and that i nearly flew.
i dont know what else to think. i guess in the end i have to ask myself, who i really am. who i can be. but the thought of it. will kill me. i know it.
but ive decided. if thats the case. then let me die. let me die knowing i lived, let me die knowing i loved. let me die, knowing i lived without regrets.
~
some things no one will understand.
some things no one will know.
others, believe but never see.
and because of that, i cry.
what started as a friendship
crumbled as fast as it started.
for a reason i know
but reasons have become worthless.
three words tore my heart
from a friend i've lost it all
and this time, its out of my control..
so goodbye.
goodbye because you said so
goodbye only because i respect you
if this is the way you want it to be.
then i have no choice but to accept it.
but thinking it, and doing it later on, is two totally different things. you can say your an evil mastermind, but that just really means you have no guts to do anything. you never realise that you have no guts, until one fine day, you cross the line. the line you've subconsciously set for yourself, you cross. and what for, you dont even know.
you try to hold on to your dignity, you try to tell yourself that at least... nothing worse happened. but you know, deep inside, you're guilty. you know deep inside, you want to escape, to just run away where no one will care and leave everything else behind.
the desire for speed suddenly is rushing back to me, i remember the adrenaline when i ran for the school: the cheers, the glory and the fame meant nothing to me. it was the rush that meant so much to me. the feeling of knowing that i did the best i could, and that i nearly flew.
i dont know what else to think. i guess in the end i have to ask myself, who i really am. who i can be. but the thought of it. will kill me. i know it.
but ive decided. if thats the case. then let me die. let me die knowing i lived, let me die knowing i loved. let me die, knowing i lived without regrets.
~
some things no one will understand.
some things no one will know.
others, believe but never see.
and because of that, i cry.
what started as a friendship
crumbled as fast as it started.
for a reason i know
but reasons have become worthless.
three words tore my heart
from a friend i've lost it all
and this time, its out of my control..
so goodbye.
goodbye because you said so
goodbye only because i respect you
if this is the way you want it to be.
then i have no choice but to accept it.
May 3, 2008
im starting to feel insignificant all over again. well good news is... hmmmm there isnt much good news is there?
i feel like giving up on everything, just walking away and let life go past. because i've realised nothing lasts forever... each moment, each day will go away, and suddenly nothing seems to last.
but the more i want to detach myself, the more i find i cant. but all the things that have been happening recently have made me feel that... well... haiiii... its been a long road.
i'll just have to move on and face the future bravely. who knows what lies ahead?
i feel like giving up on everything, just walking away and let life go past. because i've realised nothing lasts forever... each moment, each day will go away, and suddenly nothing seems to last.
but the more i want to detach myself, the more i find i cant. but all the things that have been happening recently have made me feel that... well... haiiii... its been a long road.
i'll just have to move on and face the future bravely. who knows what lies ahead?
May 2, 2008
some things today made me realise that i... i cant really control myself anymore. i cried, for what seemed like the silliest thing. but recently i cant help but feel that... its kinda my fault. so yeah. i cried. even though everyone is telling me its not my fault. even though everyone is telling me its okay. i cant live with myself.
i dont know what this means or what im trying to say... but if somewhere, somehow you're reading this. im really sorry.
i dont know what this means or what im trying to say... but if somewhere, somehow you're reading this. im really sorry.
May 1, 2008
recently its been weird. like... i have this odd feeling like i'm forgetting something. i feel as though... i know tomorrow's friday. i know i dont have work. but i keep feeling like there's smething i need to do...
this irrational fear i figure is caused by my lack of job.. or something to do. i guess it gets a little weird knowing i need the cash but yet i cant get a job i want. a FT job cant be rushed. im not going to agree to go to.. say.. TUAS.. to get a job. no way..
i think i'm falling sick soon... my brain doesnt seem to work as fast as it used to. i cant seem to get the power or energy to think up things, and im getting more... affected by my surroundings.
i guess maybe my "time to shine" hasnt arrived yet..
this irrational fear i figure is caused by my lack of job.. or something to do. i guess it gets a little weird knowing i need the cash but yet i cant get a job i want. a FT job cant be rushed. im not going to agree to go to.. say.. TUAS.. to get a job. no way..
i think i'm falling sick soon... my brain doesnt seem to work as fast as it used to. i cant seem to get the power or energy to think up things, and im getting more... affected by my surroundings.
i guess maybe my "time to shine" hasnt arrived yet..
Apr 29, 2008
a new principal seems to be making a lot of difference in SP. the biggest interest point is the DMC no longer belongs to SB, but to a school christianed CASS, which i can only phantom it means something like communication and smething school. seems like mr harry tan is trying to follow NP's steps and make it SP's as well.
sadly, i quite liked being a part of SB... now hearing CASS is kinda foriegn to me, so i'm glad that at least i've graduated and dont have to go through life in CASS. haha.
CCA drive seems to be going fine for the guys. can't help noticing that aloy seems to be under a lot of stress, as though he cant manage it. but i have no doubts that he'll be fine. it just takes time getting used to. がんばって ね、アロイ くん！ できる です！
Been keeping in contact with the guys from ANCT... miss them loads actually after it all...
I miss yuka more, but she's not replying my emails. i think she's started work that's why...
sadly, i quite liked being a part of SB... now hearing CASS is kinda foriegn to me, so i'm glad that at least i've graduated and dont have to go through life in CASS. haha.
CCA drive seems to be going fine for the guys. can't help noticing that aloy seems to be under a lot of stress, as though he cant manage it. but i have no doubts that he'll be fine. it just takes time getting used to. がんばって ね、アロイ くん！ できる です！
Been keeping in contact with the guys from ANCT... miss them loads actually after it all...
I miss yuka more, but she's not replying my emails. i think she's started work that's why...
Apr 21, 2008
...SP has invited me to go to the official opening of Moberly... i didnt know it hasnt officially opened yet LOL.
i think its sent to most clubs because its addressed to me and my club. hmmm... maybe its an EXCO thing, im not very sure.
graduation's coming closer, and i have yet to find a job. im hoping to get one soon though. have gone through 2 interviews, but nothing i like or fancy, or can imagine myself doing.
wonder how the other girls are doing?
I NEED A HAIRCUT~
i think its sent to most clubs because its addressed to me and my club. hmmm... maybe its an EXCO thing, im not very sure.
graduation's coming closer, and i have yet to find a job. im hoping to get one soon though. have gone through 2 interviews, but nothing i like or fancy, or can imagine myself doing.
wonder how the other girls are doing?
I NEED A HAIRCUT~
Apr 18, 2008
i was so bored i decided to do some entertaining stuff... hahaha. and these were the results.
hahaha. jewel wors he...
ok this is relatively normal compared to the funnier ones...
yeahhhhhh seductress woman!
xiuxiu... zeniths wors~
-.- commentless. xD
HAHAHA THIS I FIND IS THE FUNNIEST XD
hahahaa well phy is playful
hahahahahhaa xD
boo~ xD wonder how her reaction will be.
sharon im sure will love this.
go sandy~ and in case any of the girls wonder about their BFs/Husbands...
bwahahahahhahaa...
ok la xiu did say she like to hug him... x)
^^ phyphyyyy xD
hahaha. jewel wors he...
ok this is relatively normal compared to the funnier ones...
yeahhhhhh seductress woman!
xiuxiu... zeniths wors~
-.- commentless. xD
HAHAHA THIS I FIND IS THE FUNNIEST XD
hahahaa well phy is playful
hahahahahhaa xD
boo~ xD wonder how her reaction will be.
sharon im sure will love this.
go sandy~ and in case any of the girls wonder about their BFs/Husbands... bwahahahahhahaa... ok la xiu did say she like to hug him... x) ^^ phyphyyyy xDYES I AM THAT BORED! xD
i was once taught that a life cycle goes in circles, when things happen to you that goes well, and when everything goes drop shit for you.
well, right now i'm in my drop shit moment. my hikari (laptop) has died on me again, leaving it with aloysius for a week. my older lappie isnt working for me, my PHONE has spoilt, so i changed hp with my mum, and she forgot to bring the charger home, leaving me with a deaded phone... soon anyway...
but i still choose to look on the brighter side. because i was also taught that the worse it becomes, the better it will be later on. and im willing to suffer now for a better tomorrow, or week later. lols.
well, life can only get better from now on!
well, right now i'm in my drop shit moment. my hikari (laptop) has died on me again, leaving it with aloysius for a week. my older lappie isnt working for me, my PHONE has spoilt, so i changed hp with my mum, and she forgot to bring the charger home, leaving me with a deaded phone... soon anyway...
but i still choose to look on the brighter side. because i was also taught that the worse it becomes, the better it will be later on. and im willing to suffer now for a better tomorrow, or week later. lols.
well, life can only get better from now on!
Apr 15, 2008
well, people have asked me to blog, but i seriously have nothing to blog about. i'm applying for jobs. x) for one. for two, erms... nothing special i guess. ^^
school has started in Poly, and i have officially graduated. =) i guess in the end the feeling is still bittersweet, because i dont know what to do... i feel at a loss for words. i actually dont mind doing part time free lance from now till then... but i wont do any temp-ing. x)
so.. haiiii.
school has started in Poly, and i have officially graduated. =) i guess in the end the feeling is still bittersweet, because i dont know what to do... i feel at a loss for words. i actually dont mind doing part time free lance from now till then... but i wont do any temp-ing. x)
so.. haiiii.
Apr 9, 2008
Apr 6, 2008
maybe just maybe i dont really know
each and every moment, seemed so long ago
one special moment, one special dream
just one, one special him.
and though i dream of every moment
i heard each word and phrase
each time, each memory i made
then, seemed to have your face.
but today i heard a different voice
it came with hurt and pain
there was never a happy ending
to this one, disillusioned dream.
oddly enough, a few days ago i stumbled upon this. i wrote this back then, back when i was... i think sec 4. i dont know what special reason it held, but i've begun to like it. the words seemed odd for a sec 4 kid.
i think im going crazy again. someone a long time ago once called me crazy. once said that... i was nuts. and now i believe it. i thought i grew stronger, but i was wrong. i grew stronger, but at the same time i grew weak. in the past i sacrificed what i felt for the pot at the end of the rainbow. and im doing the same again.
my illness is something i can no longer be bothered with. simply because there's nothing for me to work towards, nothing for me to look forward to. in a shot everything's been pulled out from under my feet and my life seems more insignificant than ever.
people say i have to live on, and that my life has a wider purpose. but.. it doesnt. as much as i dont want to admit it, my life was never meant to be anything great. i see it now. im meant to be a nobody. my name will never be remembered, and neither will anyone remember me. no matter how much i do. i will always be a nobody.
even if i cry and tell myself that im just lying to myself, its not going to cure anything. i cant promise myself anything, i cant even tell myself its going to be okay this time, and that i'll live through it. because i've already lost the motivation to press on.
each and every day seems to show me that i have nothing to work towards. and it feels as though my world is slowly falling apart. soon, one day, i will have nothing left.
in a world so shallow and bleak, life seems like a threatening statement. people say you live through the ones you helped, the ones you loved, and the ones you remembered. but its just a facade.
and now i know. life was never meant to be lived. life was meant so we could live it.
each and every moment, seemed so long ago
one special moment, one special dream
just one, one special him.
and though i dream of every moment
i heard each word and phrase
each time, each memory i made
then, seemed to have your face.
but today i heard a different voice
it came with hurt and pain
there was never a happy ending
to this one, disillusioned dream.
oddly enough, a few days ago i stumbled upon this. i wrote this back then, back when i was... i think sec 4. i dont know what special reason it held, but i've begun to like it. the words seemed odd for a sec 4 kid.
i think im going crazy again. someone a long time ago once called me crazy. once said that... i was nuts. and now i believe it. i thought i grew stronger, but i was wrong. i grew stronger, but at the same time i grew weak. in the past i sacrificed what i felt for the pot at the end of the rainbow. and im doing the same again.
my illness is something i can no longer be bothered with. simply because there's nothing for me to work towards, nothing for me to look forward to. in a shot everything's been pulled out from under my feet and my life seems more insignificant than ever.
people say i have to live on, and that my life has a wider purpose. but.. it doesnt. as much as i dont want to admit it, my life was never meant to be anything great. i see it now. im meant to be a nobody. my name will never be remembered, and neither will anyone remember me. no matter how much i do. i will always be a nobody.
even if i cry and tell myself that im just lying to myself, its not going to cure anything. i cant promise myself anything, i cant even tell myself its going to be okay this time, and that i'll live through it. because i've already lost the motivation to press on.
each and every day seems to show me that i have nothing to work towards. and it feels as though my world is slowly falling apart. soon, one day, i will have nothing left.
in a world so shallow and bleak, life seems like a threatening statement. people say you live through the ones you helped, the ones you loved, and the ones you remembered. but its just a facade.
and now i know. life was never meant to be lived. life was meant so we could live it.
Apr 4, 2008
hehe. im now in the midst of uploading my japan pics, and ANCT, and xiu's wedding! BUT FIRST LET ME TALK ABT XIU'S WEDDING!!!
April 1st was a 1st for all of us... we went to xiu's solemnisation! hahaha. it was really.. unexpected, the way things were held.
well... firstly phy and i met to settle the gifts, signing of the card and all that. sandy met us there too, and we quickly signed it, before wrapping it up. the girls and i had a good time eating and talking about loads of rubbish. hehe. then phy and i decided to take some nice shots of the gift.. and in mos burger.. that was KINDDAAAA odd.
SCARY THING: phy nearly left the gift at home! she was at commonwealth before she called me and told me she left it at home! and yes.. it was wrapped by her mom. omg the two of us were panicking.. no frame, havent sign, havent write... omg omg no time!
but in the end we managed to get it done. and im quite proud of the design. it wasn't what we planned, but it looks nice and thats all that really mattered.
we then made out way to fort canning... haha we were so hot we went to the toilet. Sandy even went home to get changed so as to look more presentable for the wedding. hahahaha.!!! then we went in le. scary part was.. they were speaking in chinese so i didnt understand much of it... and it was like very fast. blah blah blah , done. i was quite shocked. i imagined there would be chairs, not this small room. but either way, it was quite sweet. xiu looked very happy and excited. i was super happy for her! hahahaha. btw xiu u looked v pretty that day! =)
mr and mrs chua, newly wed. hehehehehe. ^^
after that i went to meet liting and sihua (mediacorp interns)... and this is where i will divulge the truth about everything.
after everything's done, its like... the more i feel that you and i will never truly be friends. for the things you've said and the words that you've put to me, when i was most stressed out. instead of helping, you made everything feel worse.
and now, dont think that you can make me feel better... dont think that you know me. dont you dare talk to me ever again. im done with your lies and your idiocities, just leave yourself out of my life.
hehehe! feel free to click on the pics i've uploaded! IVE UPLOADED MY JAPAN TRIP PICS AND MY JAPANESE STUDENT PICS!!!! =D links are where they always are...
April 1st was a 1st for all of us... we went to xiu's solemnisation! hahaha. it was really.. unexpected, the way things were held.
well... firstly phy and i met to settle the gifts, signing of the card and all that. sandy met us there too, and we quickly signed it, before wrapping it up. the girls and i had a good time eating and talking about loads of rubbish. hehe. then phy and i decided to take some nice shots of the gift.. and in mos burger.. that was KINDDAAAA odd.
SCARY THING: phy nearly left the gift at home! she was at commonwealth before she called me and told me she left it at home! and yes.. it was wrapped by her mom. omg the two of us were panicking.. no frame, havent sign, havent write... omg omg no time!but in the end we managed to get it done. and im quite proud of the design. it wasn't what we planned, but it looks nice and thats all that really mattered.
we then made out way to fort canning... haha we were so hot we went to the toilet. Sandy even went home to get changed so as to look more presentable for the wedding. hahahaha.!!! then we went in le. scary part was.. they were speaking in chinese so i didnt understand much of it... and it was like very fast. blah blah blah , done. i was quite shocked. i imagined there would be chairs, not this small room. but either way, it was quite sweet. xiu looked very happy and excited. i was super happy for her! hahahaha. btw xiu u looked v pretty that day! =)
mr and mrs chua, newly wed. hehehehehe. ^^after that i went to meet liting and sihua (mediacorp interns)... and this is where i will divulge the truth about everything.
after everything's done, its like... the more i feel that you and i will never truly be friends. for the things you've said and the words that you've put to me, when i was most stressed out. instead of helping, you made everything feel worse.
and now, dont think that you can make me feel better... dont think that you know me. dont you dare talk to me ever again. im done with your lies and your idiocities, just leave yourself out of my life.
hehehe! feel free to click on the pics i've uploaded! IVE UPLOADED MY JAPAN TRIP PICS AND MY JAPANESE STUDENT PICS!!!! =D links are where they always are...
Mar 31, 2008
ANCT was a great event! Even though im too lazy to post everyone's photograph, here are a few of my favourite people! ^^ introducing, the ANCT students!
Ryu Katuyuki. He's the talkative one in the bunch, the one that is more friendly and hyper about things. Made me worry a lot because he keep disappearing.
Abe sensei! I interacted with her quite a lot for the farewell party. =) Oh i miss her. ^^
Hitomi! My half host. hahaha. she was quite quiet but very blur and very fun to be around. I'll miss you Hitomi-chan!
Issei-kun! Issei was one of those few who loved to eat and loved to try. Very blur but very fun to be around.
Birthday boy Kenji. He's quite quiet and emo... but at least during his birthday i heard him SPEAK! hahahaha.
Richard. Another of the sensei. He was very fun to act around because he didnt even feel like a teacher. Hahahaa. Hope to see him next year, maybe.
Ryu Katuyuki. He's the talkative one in the bunch, the one that is more friendly and hyper about things. Made me worry a lot because he keep disappearing.
Satoru-kun. He's a nice guy. You cant tell from his face, but he is very socialable and funny. He gave me a horse! xD hahaha origami horse. He said it took him 1/2 and hr to make. Very cheem indeed.
Yone-chan. This guy i think looks like Aiba. =) Hehehe. ^^ Yone-chan is also more hyper amongst the few, but he can be very quiet when he wants to. Very weird guy but fun to talk to. He was very much concentrating on making grasshoppers. hahahhaa.
Yushi! Ahh this guy. He can count 1 to 10 in chinese! Hahaha very funny but he was very fun to be around too!
Abe sensei! I interacted with her quite a lot for the farewell party. =) Oh i miss her. ^^
Hitomi! My half host. hahaha. she was quite quiet but very blur and very fun to be around. I'll miss you Hitomi-chan!
Issei-kun! Issei was one of those few who loved to eat and loved to try. Very blur but very fun to be around.
Birthday boy Kenji. He's quite quiet and emo... but at least during his birthday i heard him SPEAK! hahahaha.
Richard. Another of the sensei. He was very fun to act around because he didnt even feel like a teacher. Hahahaa. Hope to see him next year, maybe.These are only a few of the 17 Japanese we had this year. I miss them already, but hey. These relationships never end, do they? =)
Got to go! A wedding to attend, a lot of things to do! Hahaa. LITINGG!!!
Got to go! A wedding to attend, a lot of things to do! Hahaa. LITINGG!!!
Mar 30, 2008
hey im back. no this place is not dead. im just too tired to write today. reason? Anct. ANCT was something i thought was boring and an irritant at first, but i soon came to become attached to them despite not being so at first.
i will introduce you to the ANCT students and teachers tomorrow when i have the time. but today i want to blog about something that i am sort of glad about.
today on the way to the night safari, i started getting pangs of pain in my lungs again. its happened before, but this time its worse and much longer. i can no longer bear the pain soon.
but anyway, this post is to thank aloysius, who despite wanting to go in to the night safari, stayed with me on the bus. i know it must have been tiring and pretty boring to look after me while on the bus.
after sending ANCT back, i insisted on going home on my own. but now that ive reached home the pangs of pain have become worse and worse. but either way.. im not going to the doctor's like aloy suggested. no. way..
i will introduce you to the ANCT students and teachers tomorrow when i have the time. but today i want to blog about something that i am sort of glad about.
today on the way to the night safari, i started getting pangs of pain in my lungs again. its happened before, but this time its worse and much longer. i can no longer bear the pain soon.
but anyway, this post is to thank aloysius, who despite wanting to go in to the night safari, stayed with me on the bus. i know it must have been tiring and pretty boring to look after me while on the bus.
after sending ANCT back, i insisted on going home on my own. but now that ive reached home the pangs of pain have become worse and worse. but either way.. im not going to the doctor's like aloy suggested. no. way..
Mar 19, 2008
wow. this is a real phenomenon for me... a definite first. im actually so sick my tear ducts are working on overdrive... meaning i keep tearing when i cant sneeze. its not like im holding back, but literally like a watertap of tears. weird, isnt it?
not as weird as some of the other things ive gone through today, though.
not as weird as some of the other things ive gone through today, though.
Mar 16, 2008
Mar 14, 2008
hahaha this is funny. i finally posted the chalet pics. GIRLS go check it out! =D hahahahaha! trip pics i will upload as soon as... well... i upload them. rather once i unpack xD hehe. sze has requested i take pics of the things i bought.. but i cant yet.. not until ive given some gifts away.. heeee. xD so im refraining from EATING anything YET! *i bought a lot of pocky tho xD*
Mar 11, 2008
HELLO PEOPLE IM BACKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D
Sorry to all who have been reading my blog, esp my sis who NEVER EVER POSTS here... but... yeah no stupid internet wireless i could smuggle myself on while i was there. SO here's a quick update.
Kanazawa was amazing, as usual, im not going to post all the pics here, will update you guys when i put the pics on my multiply. xD hahaha. it was great meeting yuka again, even if it was only 2 days. hahaha. first time going overseas without my parents OR any adults for that matter is very odd, and somewhat scary, but i would definitely do it again, just maybe in 2 or 3 years down the road... i missed home quite a bit.
First bit, when we landed, kanazawa was 0C. hahahaha! i was soooo cold! omg freezing freezing cold.
This was Kenrokuen... last time i went there i took a pic here too... imagine how cold it was!! haha.
me and yuka. she's changed her hairstyle, but she remains so pretty. xD i missed her while i was here. but hey~ 2 days! she brought me to ski on the mountains HAHAHAHA. her friend, i think his name was shige, taught me to ski. AND I LEARNT HOW~ but it was so freezing cold, my hair was curled nicely when i was up, by the time i landed it was straight xD hahaha!
This was the view on the way to the mountain! omg snowwww... nice nice fluffy snow. =) i love kanazawa for the snow too!
okaasan brought us to this very cool place to eat. cool as in COOOLLLDDD. hahahahahaa. it was an italian restaurant heeee.
yuka and i on some little small small lift, taking a gondolaz up the mountain! hahahaha. we walked on the mountian, and our feet sank all the way into the snow! HAHAHA.
I love it there. =) heeeeee~
CANT WAIT TO MEET U ALL AGAIN~?!
Sorry to all who have been reading my blog, esp my sis who NEVER EVER POSTS here... but... yeah no stupid internet wireless i could smuggle myself on while i was there. SO here's a quick update.
Kanazawa was amazing, as usual, im not going to post all the pics here, will update you guys when i put the pics on my multiply. xD hahaha. it was great meeting yuka again, even if it was only 2 days. hahaha. first time going overseas without my parents OR any adults for that matter is very odd, and somewhat scary, but i would definitely do it again, just maybe in 2 or 3 years down the road... i missed home quite a bit.
First bit, when we landed, kanazawa was 0C. hahahaha! i was soooo cold! omg freezing freezing cold.
This was Kenrokuen... last time i went there i took a pic here too... imagine how cold it was!! haha.
me and yuka. she's changed her hairstyle, but she remains so pretty. xD i missed her while i was here. but hey~ 2 days! she brought me to ski on the mountains HAHAHAHA. her friend, i think his name was shige, taught me to ski. AND I LEARNT HOW~ but it was so freezing cold, my hair was curled nicely when i was up, by the time i landed it was straight xD hahaha!
This was the view on the way to the mountain! omg snowwww... nice nice fluffy snow. =) i love kanazawa for the snow too!
okaasan brought us to this very cool place to eat. cool as in COOOLLLDDD. hahahahahaa. it was an italian restaurant heeee.
yuka and i on some little small small lift, taking a gondolaz up the mountain! hahahaha. we walked on the mountian, and our feet sank all the way into the snow! HAHAHA.I love it there. =) heeeeee~
CANT WAIT TO MEET U ALL AGAIN~?!
Feb 27, 2008
Feb 22, 2008
i dont know why but im very depressed today. went for a movie with my parents... but i started crying on the way home. i really dont know why i started crying.. maybe a mixture of a lot of things... maybe just... to get myself up and running again.
i guess i've seen a lot of things, thought of a lot of things today.
someone once told me that i treated my friends very well. that i was always concerned about them... that i always thought about my friends before myself. i think its because... when i see someone upset, i want to make that person feel better. as long as that person is of something to me, i would go to the extents of the world to do something for her/him.
i realise its not because im concerned, because im nice. simply... its because i knew that if it were me in those shoes, i would want someone to do something for me. i treat people simply because i want to be treated that same way. i guess when you put it in those terms, its selfish.. haha.
a few days ago i was talking to a friend about how different parents tend to treat the first born than compared to the 2nd born. i started off being jealous over my sister, but after talking it through, i realised that my standpoint changed, and in the end, i feel i like who i am. yes, my sis gets the physical perks of whatever i get despite being younger, but because of that i can see some things in a bigger point of view.
yes and somehow, i thought through all these things while i was crying.. that was 1/2 an hour ago. and now that my mind is much better, i can feel better to.
Post note:
BYE BYE GORDON~! GOOD LUCK IN AUS!
i guess i've seen a lot of things, thought of a lot of things today.
someone once told me that i treated my friends very well. that i was always concerned about them... that i always thought about my friends before myself. i think its because... when i see someone upset, i want to make that person feel better. as long as that person is of something to me, i would go to the extents of the world to do something for her/him.
i realise its not because im concerned, because im nice. simply... its because i knew that if it were me in those shoes, i would want someone to do something for me. i treat people simply because i want to be treated that same way. i guess when you put it in those terms, its selfish.. haha.
a few days ago i was talking to a friend about how different parents tend to treat the first born than compared to the 2nd born. i started off being jealous over my sister, but after talking it through, i realised that my standpoint changed, and in the end, i feel i like who i am. yes, my sis gets the physical perks of whatever i get despite being younger, but because of that i can see some things in a bigger point of view.
yes and somehow, i thought through all these things while i was crying.. that was 1/2 an hour ago. and now that my mind is much better, i can feel better to.
Post note:
BYE BYE GORDON~! GOOD LUCK IN AUS!
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