maybe just maybe i dont really know
each and every moment, seemed so long ago
one special moment, one special dream
just one, one special him.

and though i dream of every moment
i heard each word and phrase
each time, each memory i made
then, seemed to have your face.

but today i heard a different voice
it came with hurt and pain
there was never a happy ending
to this one, disillusioned dream.


oddly enough, a few days ago i stumbled upon this. i wrote this back then, back when i was... i think sec 4. i dont know what special reason it held, but i've begun to like it. the words seemed odd for a sec 4 kid.

i think im going crazy again. someone a long time ago once called me crazy. once said that... i was nuts. and now i believe it. i thought i grew stronger, but i was wrong. i grew stronger, but at the same time i grew weak. in the past i sacrificed what i felt for the pot at the end of the rainbow. and im doing the same again.

my illness is something i can no longer be bothered with. simply because there's nothing for me to work towards, nothing for me to look forward to. in a shot everything's been pulled out from under my feet and my life seems more insignificant than ever.

people say i have to live on, and that my life has a wider purpose. but.. it doesnt. as much as i dont want to admit it, my life was never meant to be anything great. i see it now. im meant to be a nobody. my name will never be remembered, and neither will anyone remember me. no matter how much i do. i will always be a nobody.

even if i cry and tell myself that im just lying to myself, its not going to cure anything. i cant promise myself anything, i cant even tell myself its going to be okay this time, and that i'll live through it. because i've already lost the motivation to press on.

each and every day seems to show me that i have nothing to work towards. and it feels as though my world is slowly falling apart. soon, one day, i will have nothing left.

in a world so shallow and bleak, life seems like a threatening statement. people say you live through the ones you helped, the ones you loved, and the ones you remembered. but its just a facade.

and now i know. life was never meant to be lived. life was meant so we could live it.

hehe. im now in the midst of uploading my japan pics, and ANCT, and xiu's wedding! BUT FIRST LET ME TALK ABT XIU'S WEDDING!!!

April 1st was a 1st for all of us... we went to xiu's solemnisation! hahaha. it was really.. unexpected, the way things were held.

well... firstly phy and i met to settle the gifts, signing of the card and all that. sandy met us there too, and we quickly signed it, before wrapping it up. the girls and i had a good time eating and talking about loads of rubbish. hehe. then phy and i decided to take some nice shots of the gift.. and in mos burger.. that was KINDDAAAA odd.


SCARY THING: phy nearly left the gift at home! she was at commonwealth before she called me and told me she left it at home! and yes.. it was wrapped by her mom. omg the two of us were panicking.. no frame, havent sign, havent write... omg omg no time!

but in the end we managed to get it done. and im quite proud of the design. it wasn't what we planned, but it looks nice and thats all that really mattered.

we then made out way to fort canning... haha we were so hot we went to the toilet. Sandy even went home to get changed so as to look more presentable for the wedding. hahahaha.!!! then we went in le. scary part was.. they were speaking in chinese so i didnt understand much of it... and it was like very fast. blah blah blah , done. i was quite shocked. i imagined there would be chairs, not this small room. but either way, it was quite sweet. xiu looked very happy and excited. i was super happy for her! hahahaha. btw xiu u looked v pretty that day! =)

mr and mrs chua, newly wed. hehehehehe. ^^

after that i went to meet liting and sihua (mediacorp interns)... and this is where i will divulge the truth about everything.

after everything's done, its like... the more i feel that you and i will never truly be friends. for the things you've said and the words that you've put to me, when i was most stressed out. instead of helping, you made everything feel worse.

and now, dont think that you can make me feel better... dont think that you know me. dont you dare talk to me ever again. im done with your lies and your idiocities, just leave yourself out of my life.

hehehe! feel free to click on the pics i've uploaded! IVE UPLOADED MY JAPAN TRIP PICS AND MY JAPANESE STUDENT PICS!!!! =D links are where they always are...

ANCT was a great event! Even though im too lazy to post everyone's photograph, here are a few of my favourite people! ^^ introducing, the ANCT students!



Ryu Katuyuki. He's the talkative one in the bunch, the one that is more friendly and hyper about things. Made me worry a lot because he keep disappearing.

Satoru-kun. He's a nice guy. You cant tell from his face, but he is very socialable and funny. He gave me a horse! xD hahaha origami horse. He said it took him 1/2 and hr to make. Very cheem indeed.

Yone-chan. This guy i think looks like Aiba. =) Hehehe. ^^ Yone-chan is also more hyper amongst the few, but he can be very quiet when he wants to. Very weird guy but fun to talk to. He was very much concentrating on making grasshoppers. hahahhaa.

Yushi! Ahh this guy. He can count 1 to 10 in chinese! Hahaha very funny but he was very fun to be around too!

Abe sensei! I interacted with her quite a lot for the farewell party. =) Oh i miss her. ^^
Hitomi! My half host. hahaha. she was quite quiet but very blur and very fun to be around. I'll miss you Hitomi-chan!

Issei-kun! Issei was one of those few who loved to eat and loved to try. Very blur but very fun to be around.
Birthday boy Kenji. He's quite quiet and emo... but at least during his birthday i heard him SPEAK! hahahaha.

Richard. Another of the sensei. He was very fun to act around because he didnt even feel like a teacher. Hahahaa. Hope to see him next year, maybe.

These are only a few of the 17 Japanese we had this year. I miss them already, but hey. These relationships never end, do they? =)

Got to go! A wedding to attend, a lot of things to do! Hahaa. LITINGG!!!

hey im back. no this place is not dead. im just too tired to write today. reason? Anct. ANCT was something i thought was boring and an irritant at first, but i soon came to become attached to them despite not being so at first.

i will introduce you to the ANCT students and teachers tomorrow when i have the time. but today i want to blog about something that i am sort of glad about.

today on the way to the night safari, i started getting pangs of pain in my lungs again. its happened before, but this time its worse and much longer. i can no longer bear the pain soon.

but anyway, this post is to thank aloysius, who despite wanting to go in to the night safari, stayed with me on the bus. i know it must have been tiring and pretty boring to look after me while on the bus.

after sending ANCT back, i insisted on going home on my own. but now that ive reached home the pangs of pain have become worse and worse. but either way.. im not going to the doctor's like aloy suggested. no. way..

wow. this is a real phenomenon for me... a definite first. im actually so sick my tear ducts are working on overdrive... meaning i keep tearing when i cant sneeze. its not like im holding back, but literally like a watertap of tears. weird, isnt it?

not as weird as some of the other things ive gone through today, though.

I just came back from picking KTC up. Omg all of them, especially Hikaru and Mukai sensei, look the same! even ohara sensei and ohmi sensei were here!!! cant believe its already been 6 months since we last saw them.. x) will see them again tomorrow!

hahaha this is funny. i finally posted the chalet pics. GIRLS go check it out! =D hahahahaha! trip pics i will upload as soon as... well... i upload them. rather once i unpack xD hehe. sze has requested i take pics of the things i bought.. but i cant yet.. not until ive given some gifts away.. heeee. xD so im refraining from EATING anything YET! *i bought a lot of pocky tho xD*

HELLO PEOPLE IM BACKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D

Sorry to all who have been reading my blog, esp my sis who NEVER EVER POSTS here... but... yeah no stupid internet wireless i could smuggle myself on while i was there. SO here's a quick update.

Kanazawa was amazing, as usual, im not going to post all the pics here, will update you guys when i put the pics on my multiply. xD hahaha. it was great meeting yuka again, even if it was only 2 days. hahaha. first time going overseas without my parents OR any adults for that matter is very odd, and somewhat scary, but i would definitely do it again, just maybe in 2 or 3 years down the road... i missed home quite a bit.

First bit, when we landed, kanazawa was 0C. hahahaha! i was soooo cold! omg freezing freezing cold.

This was Kenrokuen... last time i went there i took a pic here too... imagine how cold it was!! haha.
me and yuka. she's changed her hairstyle, but she remains so pretty. xD i missed her while i was here. but hey~ 2 days! she brought me to ski on the mountains HAHAHAHA. her friend, i think his name was shige, taught me to ski. AND I LEARNT HOW~ but it was so freezing cold, my hair was curled nicely when i was up, by the time i landed it was straight xD hahaha!


This was the view on the way to the mountain! omg snowwww... nice nice fluffy snow. =) i love kanazawa for the snow too!

okaasan brought us to this very cool place to eat. cool as in COOOLLLDDD. hahahahahaa. it was an italian restaurant heeee.

yuka and i on some little small small lift, taking a gondolaz up the mountain! hahahaha. we walked on the mountian, and our feet sank all the way into the snow! HAHAHA.

I love it there. =) heeeeee~


CANT WAIT TO MEET U ALL AGAIN~?!

since xiu asked me to write an entry before i go, i shall.

^^ im kinda glad to be leaving, still once again it began to... become a little bittersweet. =) hahahaha. i cant wait to see yuka. i'll try my best to update as much as i can. so keep reading!

i dont know why but im very depressed today. went for a movie with my parents... but i started crying on the way home. i really dont know why i started crying.. maybe a mixture of a lot of things... maybe just... to get myself up and running again.

i guess i've seen a lot of things, thought of a lot of things today.

someone once told me that i treated my friends very well. that i was always concerned about them... that i always thought about my friends before myself. i think its because... when i see someone upset, i want to make that person feel better. as long as that person is of something to me, i would go to the extents of the world to do something for her/him.

i realise its not because im concerned, because im nice. simply... its because i knew that if it were me in those shoes, i would want someone to do something for me. i treat people simply because i want to be treated that same way. i guess when you put it in those terms, its selfish.. haha.

a few days ago i was talking to a friend about how different parents tend to treat the first born than compared to the 2nd born. i started off being jealous over my sister, but after talking it through, i realised that my standpoint changed, and in the end, i feel i like who i am. yes, my sis gets the physical perks of whatever i get despite being younger, but because of that i can see some things in a bigger point of view.

yes and somehow, i thought through all these things while i was crying.. that was 1/2 an hour ago. and now that my mind is much better, i can feel better to.

Post note:

BYE BYE GORDON~! GOOD LUCK IN AUS!

yuka just emailed me the cutest picture ever!


That's my hosts' dog, Rena. Cute, isnt she? I miss Rena and Eru. hopefully when i go there its still snowing. it looks like rena's having a lot of fun in the snow! I also want... hahaha. according to yahoo its actually not snowing anymore, except once in a few days. the day i land its going to be about 5 deg. thats better than freezing cold. xD but i want to see snow. hahahaha.

OMG I FINALLY FOUND A FEMALE HOST! im happy. =D

well since phy asked and im sure ALL of u want to know (yeah im sure you do)... my flight details are as follows.

flying on the 27th of february, at night, approx 11pm. means i'll be at airport at approx 8.30 to 9pm. Its at T3. dont know what belt though.

return is .. even funnier. its on the 11th of march, at... DA DA DA DA!!! 1am!!! haahahahahaa!

p.s. thanks phyphy for the comment. made me feel better. =)

i guess since all the girls are posting about chalet i think i shall too.

i think all of us noticed that it was not the same as the previous few: not so action packed and dramatic, but more mellow.

even the nights seemed quieter. i guess for me the nights made me feel like i was the odd one out... what with me being the only single and all. i know its not their fault and i dont blame them. but its odd to know that i have absolutely nothing to input into anything.

starting from the beginning, i guess i knew somehow that this was going to be the last chalet, except maybe a gathering like a year down the line or whenever we find the space to do it.

i truly enjoyed myself during the chalet, even though everything seemed different, even though everything seemed totally awkward.

i knew that xiu was having some problem with her bf, and i really didnt want to probe. but i guess her emotions were kind of getting to me as well. if you knew me well enough you would have figured that i would have been worried, thusly these were within my limits.

a lot of things were given a miss, but the BBQ was a great success. I LIT A FIRE I LIT A FIRE!

although i started i tried to make this post seemed happy, to make it seem that nothing was wrong, but ultimately i knew that this would turn out this way. there was one thing i refused to tell them during the chalet, one thing that i think i'll never tell anyone. because i dont want anyone to say "i told you so".

but ultimately our routes will separate. two of us going overseas, while two of us staying behind. it seems inevitable that sooner or later we would have to part, but the time seems to be coming too soon for me to grasp.

that last chalet meant a lot more to me than anything. i didnt want photographs, i didnt want fun. i just wanted memories: knowing that for those three days i was happy, that those three days i had spent with my dearest friends who pulled me through thick and thin.

reading all the others' post about chalets made me feel that at least im not the only one: at least im not the only one feeling the depression of knowing we might never see each other again.

its sadly, i just cant let go of so many things at once. i just cant think about the times when we had in the past, and know that we will never ever see each other again.

the chalet meant so much more than anyone will ever know, because those times i can forever remember as the times we were closest, the times we could just have fun. of all the birthdays we spent together, the pain and comfort we found in each other.

For a week now, i've been working on a small project. one day it will be complete.


Girls, promise me. promise me we wont drift apart. Promise me we will keep in touch.

Since people are posting about their Valentine's day, i shall too!

Well, in the afternoon i went to meet Fuufuu chan so that we could get some Japan stuff. At around 5 i left AMK to meet the interns: Olivia, Jeremiah, Gordon, Andre, Sihua and Shuiling. We watching Leap Years. I have to say that for a plot it wasnt that bad, but maybe because we were sitting in front, the camera was moving a little too fast for my liking, and made me dizzy.

After that anyway, we decided to get some dinner. Gordon led us the wrong way by going one big round. We ate weird dishes in Waraku, before Andre started telling us about his past love lives. Sihua kept interrupting. She's very blur and kept doing the wrong things like giving me a cup whe i asked for a plate. Nevermind that's what makes it fun. After that i took a bus home.

Next day, i went with Fuufuu to meet serlyn to change japanese yen and to collect a suitcase from my house to hers. Was surprised when Gordon called and said that they wanted to get a (from here on its censored until the day passes).

After that, i went home to get some sleep. By then it was already 10++pm.

At 1am in the morning Kristy called me. she woke me up from my nice sleep, and we talked awhile, BEFORE i went back to bed. But by then i was no longer tired (5am in the morning).

Kristy and I met again today.. for fun. hahaha. I played gunbound at her house. AND YES I SUCK AT IT! ohhh mannnn.

when i came home i ate dinner, and then.. ya. HAHAHA. thats my 3 days worth!

im very happy that yuka has still kept contact with me. cant wait to see her, really! =) her emails always make me happy!!

after a very inspiringly LONG post on phy's blog, ive decided to post my own CNY post.. to see if it will rival hers. haha. i think it just might. only i have lesser pictures to show for it. xD

well.. my family has no real traditions on CNY... in fact 1 week prior to CNY my dad's side of the family already met. the usual happened... exclaiming on how fat others are, how thin others have become. i, managed to save my way through, thank goodness. no one seemed to notice me. my sis, unfortunately, got one of the fat comments, and it made her too upset for the rest of the day.

this year the talk amongst my dad's side of the family was of course, the weather in shanghai (One of my uncles is there), and the entertainment of my younger cousins doing what they called "magic". also found out cherry, my only older cousin on my dad's side, is getting married. (she's trying to get a house!) that makes. quite a few people i know getting married xD

thenn... the actual CNY. yes i pulled myself up earlier that day, just to be nice and to do my hair and FIND clothes to wear. i was supposed to wear this greyish dress with stockings, BUT IT DIDNT ARRIVE! so i had no choice but to rammage, and ended up wearing something NEW, but totally OFF CNY.

my first stop was to my mum's mum's house. as usual we were about the first ones there.. spent some time sleeping while waiting for everyone to come.

i think my family (aside from MY OWN family of course) has a tradition of wearing red... only my own father mum, sis and me came in a clothing that had NO red on it. BWAHAHAHA.

topic this time round.. as usual... "what u going to do after you leave poly" for me.. and "where you going" for my sis. had some fun talking to jemi. she really talks a lot now. for a pri 1 kid. jed on the other hand, grew a lot more quiet. TIAN WEI DIDNT TALK AT ALL!

we had some food... and then took some photos... shalene said me and her look more like sisters than me and my sis.. ahaha i guess a lot of people say me and my sis dont look alike xD.

ok then we went to my... erm... gu kong? i dont know what relation he is to me, but either way, we went to his house. sat there a while rotting my brains off... the heat was damn hot. after that... we left to go home.

Day 1 ended as such.

Day 2 started out simply enough, woken up by my dad. apparently we were having visitors so i had to haul my butt out of bed. GREAT. no time to do hair. nevermind just straighten, at least not that bed. i wore my nice red mediacorp polo T hahahaha. not my fault that was the first shirt on my rack.

apparently my dad's side of the family came, and i got the chance to meet cherry's fiance. what can i say he reminded me a little of... kf. haha. or someone else i dont know. *shrugs* i didnt talk much then, just checked japan details on the internet.

day 2 ended like that.

Day 3... which was today. started very weirdly. i promised my mum to go with her to visit her friends. her secondary school friends that she only gets to meet once a year if im not wrong. well i finally got my grey dress, so i wore that with stockings. hahaha. my dad said if his mum (she's dead) got to see me wearing that on CNY she would have killed him for allowing it. haha. but i insisted its grey. AND ANYWAY MY DAD WAS ALSO WEARING GREY.

yes and as usual, there was this big exclaim when i came, cos they havent seen me since i was maybe 9 or so. hahaha. i got to meet the two brothers (sorry i forgot names).. one's 21, the other 19. i think when i was young i used to play with them. I THINK. i vaguely recalled playing with the younger one ONCE. hmm. ya anyway. i dont recognise them and they dont recognise me. talked to the older one about internship and SP, mass comm and all that. he's going to england to study. cool eh~

after that, go another of my mum's friend's house. new house. met another son. -.- that one, as was introduced to, was "an anime fanatic". true true. he had loads of figurines that could rival anyone i knew. from FF series, gundam, to a few i didnt recognise, but mostly mecha. we talked. 2 sentences maybe. hahaha. i dont think i ever met him before. maybe when i was really young. both my mum and her friend insisted we met before. but i really dont remember.

-.- makes me wonder have i really grown that much. they exclaimed so loudly as though i changed a lot. hahaha. then again from 9 till now... i probably did change quite a bit.

im not posting pics, because i didnt take a lot, and also because i look weird in them. HAHAHA.

THAT marks the end of MY CNY as i know it. *shrugs* wish i could have kept in contact with those 3 i met today. HAHA. seems quite impossible. LOLS. maybe next year? xD


tomorrow evening will mark the start of an amazing 4 d 3 night for me. cant wait!

ive been considering changing my email address to .co.jp. i guess it was a matter of time before i was intrigued to doing it. hahahaha.

but then again, thinking back to all the people on MSN, everything, makes me seriously lazy to do that. i mean, THERE ARE STILL PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL SENDING TO HARUKA_TEN_OU@HOTMAIL.COM! -.- which goes to show that no one can 100% change their email addresses. xD haha. so i guess i'll just keep mine the way it is for now... maybe in a few more years i'd be more intrigued and have to do it. but for now, it doesn't feel feel that ... strong yet. so i'll see.

cant wait! i'll be busy again soon! LOL! sun, mon, tues, and wed. officially out of my calendar! WOO! then of course there's... my wonderful trip!

oh goodness i had a nightmare last night! omg. i dreamt of kanazawa... but that's not the scary part. the scary part was that when i dreamt of kanazawa, the faces i knew were replaced with the interns at mediacorp. NOPE not the scary part yet! the scary part was that a certain someone's face was replaced by none other than our very own, very confident of himself, mr gordon tay (who's father's name is derrick).

omg i got a big shock when i woke up. omg~ both stunned that he took the face of a good friend, AND also stunned that i dreamt of him -.- then again the second half is not so shocking because i dreamt of liting and the rest too. oh wells.

anyway, chinese new year is coming, so let me wish everyone a very pleasant and happy chinese new year!

i have a lot of work to do now, helping my dad with his company. ^^ hehehe.

haii... when can i see the girls again? =)

wow ive been really busy these past few days. lets take a recap.

On Feb 1 (Friday):
*not in order*

Club meeting to discuss the various topics of homestay, KTC, ANCT, as well as some logistics stuff. meeting took almost 3 hours if inclusive of food breaks.

Shopping with xiuzhi went with her to do some shopping. she bought stuff, i bought stuff. i think i did anyway. she and i talked about some interesting topics, before some stuff made me rush off. SORRY XIU!

MCS Intern Gathering went for gathering with the interns.. all 8 of us in total. congrats to the NP interns who had finally finished their 5/6 months of hard work! they ate botak jones, and drank some stupid beer. and remind me never ever to let gordon speak, least of all in front of my family. reached home at 1am.

Post Internship Briefing had a post internship briefing in school. was relatively entertaining. sad to know that that was probably the last time id be in school.. okay not for club meetings, but for school meetings.

that was friday.

today i went out for lunch, then met janice to go do some last minute "japan shopping". wah come home then i started rushing out some club stuff that had to be done by tomorrow. and i think i should sleep soon. to アロイ　くん, you dont have to keep thanking me for doing so much. like i said, my term ends only when yours starts. this is only a intermediate period when i pass everything to you. even after your term starts, you all can still give me a call if you need hTelp, advice, brain power, multitasking, desperate, or just manpower. i'll do anything i can, within my powers to help. =p

AND TOMORROW!

Omg. tomorrow im going to lunch with my dad's family, before meeting the "japan trip girls". at around 3+... i think i will be seriously tired! i'll try to squeeze some time in for the club at the night or whenever someone calls i guess. i shall print out the name list LOL!

Meeting weiting on wednesday (so i dont forget xD)

what else... monday and tuesday i probably will be spending my time at home doing a present for yuka. NO ONE TELL HER LOL!

i am one hell of a busy, and seriously tired person. my brain is almost a quarter to none left. but somehow, as long as i have time for... as sandy put it... family, friends, fi-. eh wait her third one was fit. i dont have a "fit" to break time with. ok third one for me shall be club. family, friends, club. for work or for play, doesnt really matter.

like i said, i like being busy.

keeps life interesting, dont you think?

helps me be less revengeful, and takes my mind of others as well. xD


アロイ　くん, ありがとう　ね、jacket　＾＾。　がんばって～　i'll try to help whenever i can. xD　

internship post!

yeah i havent posted in a long time. so now i guess i'll post about my last day at work. last day was nothing special, everything was really busy and i had to rush through a lot of things before i left. i didnt have the feeling of... you know.. "oh yay im leaving today". nothing of that sort. it was more like.. oh, its today. oh okay. seems a bit weird, somewhat like how i left SP... the same feeling, only not as strong (as to those who knew, you know why SP was important to me. KEYWORD BEING WAS!)

I spent the morning doing something.. but i cant recall what anymore... i think we were packing premiums or something. i only remember that my shoes were relatively uncomfortable.. xD

The entire team (Benny, Grace, Pam, Selena, Azril, Serene, + interns Liting, Gordon, Sihua and me) had lunch at this place... that i think i ate either too much or uncooked, because i had like... stomache ache a day after that.

I actually looked forward to leaving... but... something made a great impact on me... i'll let you see it.

Liting, Joachim, Gordon and Sihua gave me a card... okay honestly i didnt read it before i got on the bus. and honestly when i read it on the bus i seriously started crying. the tearing uncontrollably kind of crying.


The guys wrote some stuff inside that made me really happy i met them... even if.. for gordon and sihua.. its just like 3 weeks. but still, the card meant a lot to me. thanks.

Sihua Gordon and Joachim together, got me 3 gifts, one of which is this handphone sock thingy... hahaha. very familiar because si hua has one too! maybe someone felt a pang of pain whenever i dropped my phone. xD hahaha

a set of 4 hairbands. i guess they pitied my hair for being always tied by the normal red rubber bands that someone suggested this. hahaha. i dont know xD


And this damn cute doggy. Honestly i dont know why.. but when i saw this i thought of joachim. xD hahahahaha. it kinda reminds me of him, though i dont know why.. xDand liting got me this. hahahaha. she still specifically told me not to lose it... lols like i can lose something so big like that.

So to the interns i make this post.

To Liting: Thank you so much for everything. I also can truthfully admit that i dont know anyone like you... you really dont act like your age sometimes. xD hahaha. But either way, you taught me a lot throughout that three months xD hehehe. i will never forget all the stupid things we did, all the packing and the carrying up and down the lifts. xD hahaha. was fun.

To Joachim: haha. i dont know where to start. one thing i guess i will never forget is "The Great Escape". xD hahahaha. worst day to execute the plan, but it worked nonetheless. =p thanks for the words of encouragement... but it was also your portion of the card that made me start to cry. and once i started it was hard to stop. lols. thanks for all the help, esp with the dubbing. HAHA until today i dont know how to do it. OH WELL!

To Gordon: ... i know that anything i say is and will be liable to me. but im going to say it anyway. MUST YOU WRITE THAT IN THE CARD... and p.s. your handwriting sucks. seriously. ok yes... you're the KIND (emphasis on the KIND) i like. or used to at least. i dont know lol. but either way... hope everything goes well with your ankle and stuff. ^^ dont flirt with the guys in the team la. =p and yes i know i impressed you.. =p haha okay serious talk now. thanks for like the... help that you've given to me. you seriously made my last week of work very dull (because i have no computer) LOL!. =p

To Sihua: hey girl. sorry. when i left i think i left you with quite a bit of work. dont hesitate to call if you need help x) heeee. yes yes one day i will challenge you again to that game. practice practice okay!!! cannot let Gordon beat you. =) must practice xD hahaha. dont stress out too much .... x) you can always ask your godfather for help. ^^V

Haha. okay im done with my "dedications". hahahaha. internship made me learn a lot of things, and in a sense it helped me put some things behind. it made me able to move on and forget, made me able to start over again. I was quite surprised that i managed to somewhat confide in Liting and Sihua. only somewhat i dont think they have any idea what i was saying though. x) hahaha.

But in the end... i have to go back to school. hahaha. the cycle continues. =p

CONGRATES!!! MY SIS GOT 9 PTS!! =D

I'd admit i felt a little (okay more than a little) depressed yesterday... for a reason i dont know.. seriously. i just didnt want to talk to anyone, i didn't want to be around anyone.. i didnt even want to stay with anyone. i just wanted to be left alone.. i guess the premonition of leaving this "familiar" place has already come, and im just trying to make it easier when i do leave. its like KTC, and SP all over again. i remember in both situations, i took a look back: i wanted to remember one sole place of each place.. but then when i look back here, i dont know what i want to remember... OAP? recep? NPP5? i dont feel like they remind me of something special... the one place i guess.. i want to remember will probably be the gate.. because that's where it all started, and that's where it will all end for me..

but back to my depression.. i really felt yesterday that i didnt deserve to have friends, that something was stopping me. i guess i knew deep inside that after internship we would no longer meet.. and i didnt want to suffer that way again.. so instead of suffering, i think natural instinct in me was just to walk away.

i tried to cry, because something told me that crying would make me feel better. i wanted to run, just literally run and run, but i couldn't. my running shoes were not with me.

everyone here has done so much for me.. they're even going to give me a farewell lunch.. but i dont really want it. i dont want to feel as though im a part of something if im leaving, as though it would mean something if i came back.

im trying to put my mind on brighter things, like going to kanazawa, seeing yuka, busying myself with the last events of the club before moving on.

But i still dont understand.. im still terribly depressed.. im not me lately. maybe on friday i'd feel better.

someone once told me... "I heart that is afraid of dying never truly learns to live." i guess its true.. even if the stacks are piled this way, there's still something else for me to go on with it.

just have a feeling that something's lingering on my mind. something's... out there. i know it. but i just dont know what it is.. guess its meant for me to find out when the time comes..

cant wait to see the girls again.

i just finally managed to watch finish heroes season 1. i guess after all that raving i expected something much more than that. but nonetheless it was a good show. not as amazing as i thought it would be though..

its weird and funny in an odd sort of way... like when hiro said "dai pinch".. literally translated to become big pinch, the subtitles said "#*$@*"... -.- okkkayyyy.

moving on...

ehh.. realise there's nothing else i got to say. hahaha. ok tomorrow marks the... last week at mediacorp. guess im slightly happy. just slightly.

hate is a strong emotion.

and yet it makes us stronger.

hate is powerful, and yet it can choose to make us or destroy us.

so what if i use my hate for revenge?

if you admit you did something wrong, if you know you did, wouldn't that have solved everything?

you hate me not for revenge, but for knowing you inside out. you know i can tear you apart. with one word, i can make a difference.

you think i did something. you think it was my doing. well, think again. it might not have been my hand, but it was only my actions that speak what i need you to hear.

you mess with me, you get burnt. simple as that.

by blogging out all your hate and anger, what does that fulfil? yes you know. and i care. not. really. just remember one thing: i can read you like an open book. remember that.

i dont know i guess its stupid, that im sitting here, trying my best not to cry, for a reason that i dont know. i dont feel like talking, i dont feel like interacting. i just feel like being alone. i think maybe i just feel im losing something, that i feel that ive lost something. and i just dont want to try to get it back.

i want to put up that wall again, put that wall that blocked me from interacting with people, that prevented me from getting hurt. that wall that made me feel safe, that made me feel me.

now i just feel insecure about everything, about how i seem to slowly lose everything. i thought that here, at least i made some progress, that at least something in here changed my life. and it did. but i also lost something. and what i lost, either i dont want to get it back, or i cant.

i want to hate them, i want them to hate me. because if i hate them then i can let them go. if i hate them, maybe it wont make such a difference.

the past 2 days ive felt the urge to start all over again...

the craving will go away once the first cut is made.

but i cant do it. not because i dont have the guts. but because its too hard to explain.. to my families.

my revenge is nearly complete. just a few more days. and then. it will be over.

the end of my internship will also mark the end of that story, that lie, that image that i wanted to believe real.

i will destroy you, because you nearly destroyed my life. but even if you destroy me now... let's look at it this way... who will believe you? i've already thrown it away. what you know means nothing to me anymore.

in a week's time.. i would lose everything i worked for in the past 3 months. in a week's time, these 3 months would mean absolutely nothing to me.

in a week's time... these three months would never have existed.

it's the only way i have left: to wipe away everything, to wipe away my tears. to wipe away the pain.

it's the only way for me to forget: by pretending it never existed.

i hope this is not a recurring sign, or a sign of something else. but recently, especially the past few days, im becoming more quiet, more ellusive, and i have the tendency to want to be left alone.

i dont like crowds: i never did. i dont like going out in big groups of people, pretending for a second or more that i belonged to something bigger, because i never did.

all i need, all i wanted, was a small grp of friends, a small grp of people that has hence grown much larger. and too large, until i can no longer bear it. i cannot help but move myself away, once again becoming that group of 1. but unlike the past, it feels worse, knowing that im losing something, rather than maintaining.

maybe im just destined to live a life of solitude...

maybe i just crave that attention.

i dont know.

and with only 5 days to the end of internship...

suddenly my working environment feels so much like school to me.

suddenly everything i thought i loved became something else.

suddenly, i became... insignificant.















i dont know how else to put this, but today alone gave me the confirmation of my fears, the last drop of my courage and the last of my stamina. i literally cant find the energy to get myself on my feet, i cant get myself to do it anymore.

each day, each conversation, seems mundane now. i guess its all because i know in a while's time it wouldn't matter anymore: because i knew in a while's time the 12 weeks would come to an end, that 12 weeks that i loved.

just one day was enough to spoil everything: make everything clear.

and it made me realise the significance of my existance: and made me realise who i was born to be. this wasn't my calling: i was bound to give this up. this was never meant to be anything more than just 12 weeks at work.

and now it will only be that.


i guess once again it will be a bittersweet feeling, once again that fear of leaving something behind. but i guess the things im looking forward to is much more than the fear of leaving this behind. so while i'm happy for the girls, whom some might be extending their internship, i'm also happy that i didnt..


Once more, once more. It's just once more.


おおの　さとし　くん　の　うた　「Rain」。

This is just the beginning 　これ　ガム　じゃ　ない
This is only the beginning　だれ　も　あいしたいない
This is just the beginning　きみ　に　とど　か　ない　さ
ほら

いたい　でしょう？　ただし　だいじょうぶ　から。

Hmm.. with 7 days to go, i have similar sentiments as phy, who has no idea why people actually said internship could be horrible. i still love every minute here, but because of too many interns and too little work at this period of time. i guess thats why time is passing relatively slow.

today i have to go home to do my log book properly: i'm beginning to lag on the things ive done. and my supervisor also hasnt signed for a relatively long time haha.

no doubt i'd miss my internship days, which explains why i'm uploading this.

I'm still not done uploading my MILE pics... and i have a lot of things to do before i go to kanazawa again..!!! okay good thing internship is ending because i really have a lot of things to do!!!

i miss the girls.. when can i see them again?

みんな　おはよう！！！　へへへ～　わたし　は　わかりました～　もう　ちょっと　だけ。。　金沢　へ　いきました。　たのしい　です！　＝）　

Okayyy back to English LOL. =p Internship is coming to an end, but its literally going slower and slower than before. I miss the times where time flew past in the blink of an eye, where time seemed to go faster than I needed it to be. But now, time seems to be mocking me, crawling at its own leisurely pace, usually slower than my own leisure.

maybe its simply because im just bored, with the introduction of two new interns and my soon departure, there is really nothing much for me to do, so much so that time seems to mock me every second that time goes past.

but still, i cant say im not glad internship is almost over. yes the environment is great, dont mistake me i still love mediacorp, and working here has given me an eye opener beyond anything, but still i'll be glad when this is over.

its draining a lot of my energy, and i find myself tired so often that i really dont think i can go on working like this. so i guess my emotions are based on nothing but my current situation.

i'll definitely miss the people i meet here, but at least here, i can potentially meet them again, whereas i will never get to see people like Yuka... not unless i fly back. which... HEY I AM!!! hahaha.

Talking about Kanazawa, i'm really glad that yuka and i are still in contact.i've heard that most of the hosts have lost contact with us, but thank goodness yuka and i have managed to email each other, even if its nothing serious, nothing common, but still a letter is better than nothing.

わすれない　から。　たのしい　とき、　苦しい　とき、　いつも　いつも。。　わたしたち　の　ゆめ　だから。　ずっと　ずっと。。　わすれない。。　みんな　の　かお。　＝）

internship will be ending soon. cant say im not looking forward to it. i think its a bittersweet feeling... im looking forward to it because of all the things that i love after that... CNY... going to kanazawa... kanazawa students coming to singapore.. everything! omg i cant believe this but i will seriously fall in love with the next two months after im done with my internship.

however i have a lot of things to prepare for.. mainly a scrapbook for yuka. ok that will take up a lot of my time, so i have to figure something out as soon as possible =)

either way, its been raining cats and dogs recently, so i've decided to wear like nice shoes out.. just so my holey converse shoes wont get wet.. as there are HOLES at the base, and that makes it SUPER uncomfortable, as experienced with Alex during Open House..

The wait is beginning to become unbearable. International flights have already been booked on flight~ im flying on the 27th night! hahaha. i wonder if i should send another email to yuka.. guess i'll do that when the time comes nearerr. =) haha.

SZE IF U READ MY BLOG! U WANT TO BUY ANYTHING FOR HER!? I CAN BE UR PERSONAL DELIVERY GAL!

Ok.. time for me to go sleep... COUNTDOWN TO INTERNSHIP END... 10 DAYS.

today i went back to school... for some club thing... its SP's open house today... so i wasn't surprised when i managed to talk to a few of our lovely lecturers.

i first saw mr ang and mr rajan, and had a short conversation with mr ang about why im here...

then i met ms peters... who i talked to for a whole 15 mins about internship and the pros and cons of being there...

then i talked to mr wong... our PTN... about the students, and also a bit about internship.

what shocked me was i met NARESH! haha he was covering Spinnovex as part of his work at Mediacorp, and he was just as surprised to see me lol.

I also briefly talked to mr kwan... just for like 5 minutes. he doesnt seem to realise we're on internship hehe.

sadly, i didnt get to see ms kwa, ms nga or any other LOs.

standing at the booth gave me leg pain... until now i can feel the pain pulsing in my feet. i think i will have to limp tomorrow.. oh no...

2 more weeks to end of internship.. the feeling is mostly happy, a little sad. but mostly glad. x)

wow. its been a long time that i actually updated on MY LIFE. Like seriously ive been writing a lot about how i feel, and how i want things to happen, that i realise i fail to talk about my LIFE in general. so i'll update.

Saturday, i went out with Ryan. (i guess let me first talk a little about said ryan.) Ryan's just a guy i happened to meet recently... okay let me rephrase that. i met ryan in secondary school... he was a friend of a friend... but we met again recently. yep.

We originally planned to go out together for christmast shopping, but cancelled it at the last minute due to.. hee.. me meeting other people... so in the end ryan and i decided on yesterday... so yeah. we went walking around, some lunch, some more walking, before heading home. it was quite interesting, really, filled with laughter and silly random-ness.

okay. enough with ryan. now unto a more common topic.

Today, at approximately noon, phyphy asked me on MSN if i was free... the moment that came out we sorta planned to watch an inpromptu movie... called Mission Sex Control. was laughable... about koreans trying to stop their villagers from having children so that they wont be overpopulated and affect their GNP. damn funny to see the koreans acting and their reactions to things we've seen every day, or know... like being taught how to put condoms etcetc. really
funny.
Phy and i saw this very funny bird inside AMK... it was trying to fly out... but it wouldnt fly... it just seemed to like... trying to fly out... but it couldn't. so... it kept flying back and forth... and there was this... security guard... who seemed to be waiting at the door for the bird to fly out...


anyway after the movie, we went off for dinner... xiu got her ice cream that she been craving for a while... then we proceeded to ajiten to eat dinner.

phy had her very very spicy ramen that got her face red like chilli... i only ate cali rolls... xiu just drank her mineral water -.-!!


after that we headed home!!! =) yay!!! it was great meeting the girls again... we have to do it again. oh my god im like so full i cant really eat anything now... bloated like a balloon...

something had been disturbing me for the past few days... i guess its either paranoia, or the idea that i might be turning into the hypocrite... the exact kind that i had always hated. i hated it, questioning myself, constantly tormenting myself, wondering why the hell was i like this, how the hell did i turn to this.

and today, i was given the answer: the opportunity to speak to another close soul about what i felt. i didnt talk to anyone about this before, because i felt that only i could give myself the answer i sought, but when the topic came up, i guess everything came out.

what came back to me, i guess, was regret: that i never sought out the others before. because now i have the answer i need, and i know that i'm not the only one feeling that way.

the answer and advice was given to me in the form of the MSN conversation of phyllis. i guess maybe what she suggested was the most obvious thing in the world, and that i should have known it would have to be this way... but i guess... complications arose that made me think that the initial idea wouldnt have been possible... but now i realise it is... guess you can say i was clouded..

so i guess... thanks phy for "enlightening" me... because now i have the answer that i need.. i guess you can say you made it clearer for me... thanks!

recently ive been having weird pangs of pain... like i cant stretch.. i cant breathe properly. its weird, it's not long lasting, but its there. it hurts like hell when it's there.. almost worse than a knife sticking in your stomach. hypothetically speaking, of course.

i have lost more or less a lot of stomach space, and have no stomach for a lot of things i used to want. i dont feel like puking, but if i force food in, i cant swallow it. i havent gone to see the doctor because i dont feel its anything that the doctor can diagnose... i tried before and it didnt help.

ouch. there it is again... its not my heart. its in the space below chest area. literally. i cant breathe too deeply... i cant even stretch properly.. it hurts like hell, and i am at a loss as to what to do. i think my body is slowly learning not to listen to my mind anymore.. even moving now i'm afraid, because the pain comes literally so sudden and so shocking that i can do nothing about it but to suppress it.

my nerve endings are on a strike.. they want me to feel pain... everything hurts now... except my heart. haha. oddly thats the part that doesnt hurt a bit. okay maybe its numb from the pain ive already put it through.. but at least... that part of my life is over. at least my heart can feel happy for now... while the rest of my body disintegrates and hurts...

faces in the mirror


seems like i got my flair of writing back. i guess the changes i've made to myself have not gone unnoticed... based on the reactions i got from certain people. ive learnt a lot about others yesterday: learnt how sometimes you only get to see one face, so much that you become oblivious to the other faces he/she shows others. the result being two people you never thought you could meet... yet somehow they're the same person. maybe you hate one, and yet you are okay with the other.

for me, 1% of hate is stronger than 3% of laughter. i just cannot look at someone and know that once they turned my life upside down. i guess at some point in time i wish i had learnt to be strong earlier... during that time i was a quiet person... who was willing to forgive, and in brutal terms, follow blindly. if someone said this person was okay, to not offend that one person, i would have said so to, to her at least.

i guess at that point in time i created a few faces for myself, hiding behind the kalediscope of faces i created for myself.

but now, from a face for everyone, it slowly blended to become only two faces: two faces that two different people see. one is the girl that you see if you're a friend.

that girl is a bubbly, happy and playful girl that doesnt mind making a fool of herself with her friends, that can share anything with them, and she knows that even if she had told them facts, truths, they could accept her point of view even if they didnt agree with it.

the other girl is an exact opposite. that girl is an evil girl with evil plans whom she intends to set free. before, this girl was suppressed, thinking that if she let this girl out, she would lose everything she had... the friendship, and everything else. but with her new found strength, she was taught into realising that maybe, this girl had a purpose in being a part of her afterall. since her childhood she had always been revengeful, evil, maybe notorious even. but she had left them to thoughts and stories, never letting them out. she was afraid of what might happen... of karma, maybe. but certain things in her life that she felt made a difference, made her realise that it was their karma for messing with her, and that some sacrifices are worth making. because of this girl, this girl that only her enemies see, she was able to balance each one. without the assassin, she would have to suffer with the pain. with this girl, she could live with it, knowing one day they would get their own from her.

~~

looking into the mirror, sometimes she knew she no longer recognised herself. (wait why am i speaking in third person...) so much so that i've become almost like a person i've been watching, a person that was no longer me. its hard to explain... but it seems that the moment i realised that i could do something about life, that i had a hand, a share in what happens to me, that my fate planned it this way, and that i have control, i lived a life that was no longer my own.

reading back my entries from the past, i guess i did change a lot. my past was filled with moments of KF, nick and eugene, of how i wanted to forget desmond. my writing has somewhat changed too... i've begun to write more and more about how i feel, than just what happened... i guess the need to write has become an innate part of my life.

so... seeing that weiting has posted a happy and sad thingy.. i shall too. even if im a little late.

Happy things that Happened to me in 2007

1) 19th MILE
the memories, SOME OF the people i've met there, my host family, KTC, every part of it. each part, each memory, means so much to me. because of the MILE trip, because of the people i didn't like, the ones i did got closer, and because of that, i became stronger. i will remember each moment, each memory, all the laughter and "roger's gift". even if some people made the trip bittersweet, but because of that, the others and i got closer... and because of that... it made it so much better.

2) birthday chalet
i know i didn't say much about this, but this really meant a lot to me. i mean, firstly its my first birthday celebration... even if nothing much happened, the small details will always be with me... the games we played, and the fun we had. i'll always remember them.

3) phy's bday party
although this was not necessarily my own memory... but it was wonderful all the same, because of the planning involved, the fun we had "lying" to her... planning our lies and plotting carefully, staying up late to finish the cloaks, giving ourselves inspiration and everything. the look on her face was more than anything. it was priceless. the fun we had was really unforgettable. the planning was even more intricate... planning how to get her out... my angst... my anger at sandy... running to her place... following her... keeping contact with xiuzhi... everything.. jamming the lifts, even to the extent that her parents helped! oh goodness i won't forget that.

4) chalet
of course, how can i forget the half-year chalet the girls and i have? its a tradition after all!!! it was always fun to bond with the girls... even if weird things do come up. but planning for xiu's surprise was also a little odd... how to bring the cake into the chalet... how to bring the gift? where to get and what to get for her? how to get her out? the night before was spent planning... phy san and me.. online trying to figure how to get her out... me blowing balloons in the toilet... phy pretending to sleep... sandy pretending to lose the non-existant ring that fit gave her... everything... oh my goodness imagine the planning!

Sad things that happened to me in 2007

1) ... you know... when i reached this part... i really cant think of anything to write. i mean... i stared at this blank for a whole 10 minutes before i could decide what to write. okay... i could write about how i feel, about the pain in my heart, about how i was torn and broken, my disappointments and regrets, but then i realised i didnt have any. because every single sad moment i had, every bad thing that happened to me, turned out okay in the end. just like in MILE, because i had to go with SOME incompetent people, it made the rest and i bond even more than we would have initially. similarly, every bad thing that happens to me, something good will come out of it. suddenly everything that's sad seems seemingly insignificant. i guess... that's a good thing.

a new year, a new resolution. each year seems to pass and yet my resolutions never seem complete. with each year comes more uncertainties, more fears and more doubts. more incomplete achievements, the insignificance of the years before.

i would say i'll let it all go. i'll throw it all away and forget it. but i can't. because what i want to forget is too deeply intwined with what i'll always remember. its two different things, two separate issues, and yet, like thread with cloth, it all comes together, blending.

this song in my blog is so haunting, so peaceful, and yet.... it symbolises everything i feel right about now.

i told myself i'll give it up, that i'll give it away. i shouldn't be sad, not even disappointed about something that i knew would never happen. guess that's why im okay with everything. rather, instead of feeling upset and disappointed, i choose to feel happy, happy that it had, during its time, made me stronger, made me who i am now: someone that can stand on my own two feet. i'd rather this happen all over again, the memories alone are precious enough.

my chapters have to end. there's literally nothing more for me to go on with any longer. but thank you, really. for making me strong. for making me realise what i can do. for making me realise, i dont have to be pushed around, i dont have to take anything lying down. i have the mindset, i have the power, i can use it. even if its not my power, even if there's no way for me to do anything... there's still always a way out. i used to get upset over thinking about shit, about what happened to me, and about how helpless i used to feel. but after those days, after those moments, ive grown stronger. instead of feeling helpless, i now knew how to manipulate it to my advantage, to make it work, to do something about it. and because of that. i grew stronger. im now able to stand on my own feet, support my own spine. for those moments, those memories, thank you.

a year has gone by, so have many memories. i dont regret anyone of them. although it seems like i would be better off rewinding time and hoping it never happened, hoping that i never started anything, hoping i didn't dig my grave, i wont undo anything. each and everything i did, i learnt to overcome, i gave up, each moment made me stronger. i can admit that. each memory, each moment, taught me something.

the past year was full of memories... things that i'd never forget.

1) yuka. i'll never forget that memory for as long as i live. kanazawa, ishikawa, 19th mile. forever it will be a part of me.

2) the girls... for each moment i shared my torments and pain with them, they were there to listen to me. for all the joys that we been through, the troubles and the pain... planning of parties, planning of everything, scheduling, working, stressing and laughing together. those memories will always be with me.

3) the people i hate. thank you, even thanking you. because you made me strong. you made me realise everything.

4) my secret. thank you for making me realise my own strength, for letting me stand on my feet. thank you for making my life better, even if at one point it was all sadness and misery. the scars on my wrist will take some time to fade, but by then, hinoki will be stronger than ever. thank you for doing all that, even if you didn't know it.

5) weiting... especially weiting. thank you for listening to me. you know what i mean. =) i'll be here if you need a pillow to whack~

6) art.. for the funny looking kitty. (DONT SAY MEOW!) thanks for listening to me and giving me cryptic messages. the quote you gave me still is a part of me today.

7) アロイ... for everything. for letting me know einstein did not invent the lightbulb... all the laughs and the mind challenging conversations to the night. x) was fun.

to all those who mean so much to me, thank you for being there for me... =) thank you all.

this new year... marks a new beginning. literally. because its on the 31st, while i was sitting at the MRT... that i swore to myself and promised others, that i will let it go. that i'll finally... give it all up. that chapter of my life is literally closed. now only future lies ahead. we'll see where this leads us.

Hard to believe my blog is already 1 and a half years old... hmmm. since the art house trip with the girls... cant imagine at that time... my 3rd post talked about how much i can finally give desmond up. and now... hahaha. so much has really happened since then...

ok what started off as a great day today was made worse and worse. found out some information that i never knew was possible. but because of that it suddenly made me realise what a true friend is.

never forget your revenge. One down, one to go. Why do these people keep popping up?

you know, sometimes there is no point in hiding things, because hiding things would only make it worse when people find out. somethings you think back and wonder, why hide it in the first place? and once that is hidden, everything starts boiling out again. the incompetence, the lack of effort, every fucking thing comes back twice as hard. trying to forgive you is no longer part of the equation, only how to get back at you.

you know at least i'll be here for you.

its funny how certain things just happen that way, how fate has a way of biting a chunk out of secrets. either that or i have a ear for rumours.

let's think of how to do this properly, shall we? you've already started... phase 1 has already begun... let's prepare for phase 2...

NPP5 and OAP5 had a party today, to say farewell to a Selena Ho (whom I've honestly never met). as usual, the interns picked a corner and called it their own. =D


jeremiah decided to sit on joachim.. look how happy the two are.. =D

everyone obviously hungry for food... the woman with the short hair down front is the farewell "princess". btw, can you guys spot the shrek? =X
look at the assortment of food. and obviously, i didnt eat anything... despite the temptations of jeremiah and joachim.
yes... the fairwell girl and her two 80s friends~ hahahaha. damn funny how these people dressed up just for the sake of a farewell party. OAP5 people are definitely more sporting than the NPP5 side... of course we have our own sporting people... people like grace and benny!
hahaha. ok yes once again i was very bored... so i snapped this. obviously i moved too fast. but HEY at least my hair looks nice. =D hahaha.

hai im back! i added a link too~ check out my pictures =) hahaha.

okay so i decided to go back for the signing of MOU after all... guess there was nothing for me to.. think too much about. haha. it was a great day! i got to see weiting, and the others as well!!! =D im a happy person.

even got a chance to gather with the girls and "gather intelligence" about certain stuff.. hahahaha. poor weiting spent so much money on hikaru that her mail cost her $50... just to MAIL the letter... poor girl.

i hope yuka got the gift.. =) and i hope its still in one piece by the time it reaches japan hahahaha. oh my god its only left me with like... maybe 2 months? oh goodness... i cant wait!

everything literally seems to want to go my way so that i can be happy. now im afraid that the bad half of my life will be horrible when it comes, so i dont want to be too happy.

haii... ok dont panic. tomorrow is christmas... MOU day was a great day for me. i dont regret going one bit.. it was... if i could say so... perfect.

i finally got to see them again...

im not going to make a very coherent post here, because im sworn to secrecy. all i will say is that im glad he came to me. that im glad he decided to trust me enough with the information, that he knew that i could keep that secret for him. truth be told, there was nothing much i could do but just listen.

today i'll once again be going back to school. once again the bittersweet regret feeling. im taking half day off work, so im currently at office. spent yesterday decorating hall... but at least it looks super good now. (i thinks).

everyone seems to have their own share of problems, that suddenly my own seem insignificant. its not that im trying to hide my problems, or deny facing them, but the time to tell has not arrived yet. im just worried that one day that line will fade and i ended up causing more problems for myself than before.

... that's what im here for. two heads are better than one, isnt it? isn't this why you created me?

everything seems so surreal, so... unpredictable. i really feel as though im in a dream that had suddenly been pushed fast forward. i can see everyone else in that future, but i dont see myself. i cant see where i am, or where i want to be. is it simply because i just dont have a future? or that i havent decided, realised what i want yet?

i envy those who can boldly say that they want something, and strive to get it, by all means necessary. those people i admire.

but it seems reality is, almost literally, crashing down on me.

The 10 Quiz

10 Things I Miss

1. Chalets with the Girls
2. SPSEC (People and Clubroom)
3. Miyazaki
4. Takeshima Family
5. Kanazawa
6. Family Gatherings
7. Leisure writing
8. Snow
9. AuditionSEA
10. Sleep

10 Things I Want

1. Money
2. Clothes
3. Japan!
4. Shoes
5. Bags
6. Outings with Close Friends
7. Death Note Leather Bound
8. To Never Forget Anything
9. My Dream Come True
10. True Happiness

10 Things I Love

1. My Family
2. My Close Friends
3. Japan (Yes that’s the answer to everything)
4. Anime
5. Music
6. Writing
7. Designing
8. Photography
9. Memories
10. YUKA!!!


10 Songs in My Mind

1. Arashi – Love So Sweet
2. M.O.V.E. – Painless Pain
3. BoA – No. 1
4. Koda Kumi – Freaky
5. Koda Kumi – No Regret
6. K – Only Love
7. Chris Daughtry – Over You
8. Arashi – Jidai
9. Arashi – I Want Somebody
10. BoA – Girls On Top


10 Regrets (WAH WHERE GOT SO MANY!!!)

1. Trusting certain people that shouldn’t be trusted
2. Not spending enough time with family


10 Memories I’ll Remember Forever

1. Past 2 chalets with the girls (bonded like hell there, burnt like hell too)
2. Sentosa trip (who can ever forget our “identical sunburns, and sunburn lotion!”)
3. Going Kanazawa with the guys… meeting yuka.. the entire kanazawa experience was phenomenal.
4. Chalet with the guys on my birthday (Seriously, thanks so much. It was a great memory.)
5. My montage memory of betrayal and backstab
6. Phy’s birthday party… all that planning paid off at last!
7. Working at MediaCorp (met the best people ever… had a lot of laughs… and sprained bodyparts).
8. Secondary School Sports Events… (will never forget the thrill of jumping and running, of speed, adrenaline… I loved that feeling).
9. Going overseas or spending time with family
10. The times where I felt important/needed.

Today was a freaking bad day. I lost my ezlink card. AGAIN! Stupid stupid! Oh my god I lost it. I seriously cant believe I lost it!

On the bright side, I bought a shirt and a skirt. But the loss of my ezlink card, with the addition of my spoilt POSB card… is a bad card day. And just after we talked about losing cards, no less.

OH MY GOD AND I JUST BOUGHT CONCESSION FOR TOMORROW!!!

The best part? The guy told me that no one can use it because the conductor will check. YEAH LIKE THAT HAPPENS! Stupid. He wont even let me cancel the card. Stupid. If my card has less money because someone uses it is because the transitlink people cant freaking do anything about it. They need a 24 hr hotline like DBS man!

OMG. okay i had a bad day today. but then when i came home everything became good.

was quite surprised because the first thing i saw was a red letter... when in Singapore do you get a red letter? but what caught my eye was that...



yes it had that many stamps. reminded me of harry potter when mrs weasley sent a snail mail over with a lot of stamps. but what caught my eye was the words at the bottom which said...

"FROM YUKA (followed by Yuka's address)..." OMG I STUN. i didn't expect yuka to send a letter to me, and i wanted to send one too, but i didnt have the address! well, now i do! and thats not the best part..




it came with these.. omg im so touched la!!! the letter was so nice, and even otoosan and okaasan wrote something (In japanese. i think yuka must have told them i only understand hira, cos they wrote it all in hira.. xD haha)

yuka said that its really cold over there... i hope she's not sick. she even got me "Snow" haha. maybe i should get her "Sun". xD hahaha.

okay!!! getting a letter from them really lifted my spirits and jolted my senses. i want to hug yuka!

yes im missing her more and more.. again...

OKAY TOMORROW IM SENDING SOMETHING BACK!

Can it just be sour? Bittersweet? Hate? Regret? What is this feeling?

Coming back to school, seeing the girls again not only reminded me of the joy, but somewhat also of the hatred and pain through those 3 years. The conflicts, the fights, the quarrels, everything. And the more I think about it, the more I know I will never forgive nor forget. Because I’m still waiting to watch them suffer.

I will not help the enemy: that much I’ve agreed to do on my own. I will not blame anyone for being friends with an enemy, because they have their lives and I have mine. I will not make you hate, and similarly you cannot make me not hate.

I guess its really a bittersweet feeling that courses through my veins, because although I’ve grown closer to certain people and began to understand them more, I also begin to realize how their mind works, and I can hate them for it. certain things that’s been said to me, I will keep it to myself: not because I want to save your face, not because I don’t wish to let you know its not you, but because I see no benefit for me to divulge that piece of information. So what if the world thinks badly of you? What if the world shuns you? What good does that do to me?

It just makes me realize that there is a deep dark secret, a personality behind each smiley face I see, a secret that once told, will command no respect from me. And this person I’m currently talking about, has already lost it.

I don’t know. I know the people I hate are as follows:

1) backstabbers (solution: revenge)
2) spineless hoarders (solution: deny help)

For now, that’s all I can do. Soon, as more of these personalities come up, more solutions will appear. And then, that’s when the answer will come to me.

Going to school always is satisfying, because I always realize something there. Whether good or bad, I always realize something of significance to my life there. It’s a great thinking space.

~

On the bright side, I’ve decided to write a wishlist for Christmas. But then I realized that that would be the same as my wishlist at the side… so I decided to cancel that portion of the post.

talking to アロイ　くん　always seems to put things into perspective for me. its like how things we say might be random and make no link or even sense to the topic that we started out in... but it for some reason makes perfect sense to my life.

it shocks me to a certain extent of how he seems to be going through/ have gone through what i already have, and somehow we come to similar conclusions. odd isnt it?

at least maybe because of that, i can trust the club to him, because i know he feels the same way i do, the way KF never felt: as though the club's existance is more important than school itself. i told KF this a long time ago, the club meant more to me than anything else. i was willing to stress myself out because of the club, to skip classes because of the club. my life wouldnt have been half what it is today without the club (for one, i would have never met yuka). i told KF before that for some reason, the club, even though with its stresses and irritations and ups and downs, it relieves me from the stress of school. when i stress for the club, i feel relaxed. it's a way out from school life, to me.

whenever i told KF that, his reply would always be the same: that we came to school for studying. we are not being paid to run the club. we shouldnt have to overwork and stress ourselves out because of something like that: it's supposed to be fun. but he just doesnt seem to understand: it's no longer a matter of fun and games.

アロイ　くん and i, while talking, were wondering what would happen to both of us had we not been in this club. one very obvious thing would be the lack of somewhere to hang out for hours between classes. i used to think that i was the only one, that i was the only one foolish enough to ever feel that way. until last night: i realised im not the only one that feels this odd affinity towards SPSEC.

i guess maybe so many things have changed, but yet still we have watched the club grow, maybe helped in it, and indirectly each of us have planned for its future. many friends were formed because of that club.

i guess thats the real reason why im not willing to step down so early, partially because i feel like fulfilling my whole team, but more than that, because i somehow felt that life didnt feel the same without the club. knowing that even if i continued to go on with my studies or work, i would still end up coming back to school to help out with the club. that remains to be a fact. maybe im just not ready to let it go yet.. i dont see how they can be so willing to step down and move on, when on the otherhand im unwilling to. i want to see the club to the end.

アロイ　くん and i also talked a little more about personal lives, and i feel i can understand him a little more, why the change in him, and what he's going through. sometimes it really feels like im looking at my life in someone else's body... some parts are just too similar..