yuka just emailed me the cutest picture ever!


That's my hosts' dog, Rena. Cute, isnt she? I miss Rena and Eru. hopefully when i go there its still snowing. it looks like rena's having a lot of fun in the snow! I also want... hahaha. according to yahoo its actually not snowing anymore, except once in a few days. the day i land its going to be about 5 deg. thats better than freezing cold. xD but i want to see snow. hahahaha.

OMG I FINALLY FOUND A FEMALE HOST! im happy. =D

well since phy asked and im sure ALL of u want to know (yeah im sure you do)... my flight details are as follows.

flying on the 27th of february, at night, approx 11pm. means i'll be at airport at approx 8.30 to 9pm. Its at T3. dont know what belt though.

return is .. even funnier. its on the 11th of march, at... DA DA DA DA!!! 1am!!! haahahahahaa!

p.s. thanks phyphy for the comment. made me feel better. =)

i guess since all the girls are posting about chalet i think i shall too.

i think all of us noticed that it was not the same as the previous few: not so action packed and dramatic, but more mellow.

even the nights seemed quieter. i guess for me the nights made me feel like i was the odd one out... what with me being the only single and all. i know its not their fault and i dont blame them. but its odd to know that i have absolutely nothing to input into anything.

starting from the beginning, i guess i knew somehow that this was going to be the last chalet, except maybe a gathering like a year down the line or whenever we find the space to do it.

i truly enjoyed myself during the chalet, even though everything seemed different, even though everything seemed totally awkward.

i knew that xiu was having some problem with her bf, and i really didnt want to probe. but i guess her emotions were kind of getting to me as well. if you knew me well enough you would have figured that i would have been worried, thusly these were within my limits.

a lot of things were given a miss, but the BBQ was a great success. I LIT A FIRE I LIT A FIRE!

although i started i tried to make this post seemed happy, to make it seem that nothing was wrong, but ultimately i knew that this would turn out this way. there was one thing i refused to tell them during the chalet, one thing that i think i'll never tell anyone. because i dont want anyone to say "i told you so".

but ultimately our routes will separate. two of us going overseas, while two of us staying behind. it seems inevitable that sooner or later we would have to part, but the time seems to be coming too soon for me to grasp.

that last chalet meant a lot more to me than anything. i didnt want photographs, i didnt want fun. i just wanted memories: knowing that for those three days i was happy, that those three days i had spent with my dearest friends who pulled me through thick and thin.

reading all the others' post about chalets made me feel that at least im not the only one: at least im not the only one feeling the depression of knowing we might never see each other again.

its sadly, i just cant let go of so many things at once. i just cant think about the times when we had in the past, and know that we will never ever see each other again.

the chalet meant so much more than anyone will ever know, because those times i can forever remember as the times we were closest, the times we could just have fun. of all the birthdays we spent together, the pain and comfort we found in each other.

For a week now, i've been working on a small project. one day it will be complete.


Girls, promise me. promise me we wont drift apart. Promise me we will keep in touch.

Since people are posting about their Valentine's day, i shall too!

Well, in the afternoon i went to meet Fuufuu chan so that we could get some Japan stuff. At around 5 i left AMK to meet the interns: Olivia, Jeremiah, Gordon, Andre, Sihua and Shuiling. We watching Leap Years. I have to say that for a plot it wasnt that bad, but maybe because we were sitting in front, the camera was moving a little too fast for my liking, and made me dizzy.

After that anyway, we decided to get some dinner. Gordon led us the wrong way by going one big round. We ate weird dishes in Waraku, before Andre started telling us about his past love lives. Sihua kept interrupting. She's very blur and kept doing the wrong things like giving me a cup whe i asked for a plate. Nevermind that's what makes it fun. After that i took a bus home.

Next day, i went with Fuufuu to meet serlyn to change japanese yen and to collect a suitcase from my house to hers. Was surprised when Gordon called and said that they wanted to get a (from here on its censored until the day passes).

After that, i went home to get some sleep. By then it was already 10++pm.

At 1am in the morning Kristy called me. she woke me up from my nice sleep, and we talked awhile, BEFORE i went back to bed. But by then i was no longer tired (5am in the morning).

Kristy and I met again today.. for fun. hahaha. I played gunbound at her house. AND YES I SUCK AT IT! ohhh mannnn.

when i came home i ate dinner, and then.. ya. HAHAHA. thats my 3 days worth!

im very happy that yuka has still kept contact with me. cant wait to see her, really! =) her emails always make me happy!!

after a very inspiringly LONG post on phy's blog, ive decided to post my own CNY post.. to see if it will rival hers. haha. i think it just might. only i have lesser pictures to show for it. xD

well.. my family has no real traditions on CNY... in fact 1 week prior to CNY my dad's side of the family already met. the usual happened... exclaiming on how fat others are, how thin others have become. i, managed to save my way through, thank goodness. no one seemed to notice me. my sis, unfortunately, got one of the fat comments, and it made her too upset for the rest of the day.

this year the talk amongst my dad's side of the family was of course, the weather in shanghai (One of my uncles is there), and the entertainment of my younger cousins doing what they called "magic". also found out cherry, my only older cousin on my dad's side, is getting married. (she's trying to get a house!) that makes. quite a few people i know getting married xD

thenn... the actual CNY. yes i pulled myself up earlier that day, just to be nice and to do my hair and FIND clothes to wear. i was supposed to wear this greyish dress with stockings, BUT IT DIDNT ARRIVE! so i had no choice but to rammage, and ended up wearing something NEW, but totally OFF CNY.

my first stop was to my mum's mum's house. as usual we were about the first ones there.. spent some time sleeping while waiting for everyone to come.

i think my family (aside from MY OWN family of course) has a tradition of wearing red... only my own father mum, sis and me came in a clothing that had NO red on it. BWAHAHAHA.

topic this time round.. as usual... "what u going to do after you leave poly" for me.. and "where you going" for my sis. had some fun talking to jemi. she really talks a lot now. for a pri 1 kid. jed on the other hand, grew a lot more quiet. TIAN WEI DIDNT TALK AT ALL!

we had some food... and then took some photos... shalene said me and her look more like sisters than me and my sis.. ahaha i guess a lot of people say me and my sis dont look alike xD.

ok then we went to my... erm... gu kong? i dont know what relation he is to me, but either way, we went to his house. sat there a while rotting my brains off... the heat was damn hot. after that... we left to go home.

Day 1 ended as such.

Day 2 started out simply enough, woken up by my dad. apparently we were having visitors so i had to haul my butt out of bed. GREAT. no time to do hair. nevermind just straighten, at least not that bed. i wore my nice red mediacorp polo T hahahaha. not my fault that was the first shirt on my rack.

apparently my dad's side of the family came, and i got the chance to meet cherry's fiance. what can i say he reminded me a little of... kf. haha. or someone else i dont know. *shrugs* i didnt talk much then, just checked japan details on the internet.

day 2 ended like that.

Day 3... which was today. started very weirdly. i promised my mum to go with her to visit her friends. her secondary school friends that she only gets to meet once a year if im not wrong. well i finally got my grey dress, so i wore that with stockings. hahaha. my dad said if his mum (she's dead) got to see me wearing that on CNY she would have killed him for allowing it. haha. but i insisted its grey. AND ANYWAY MY DAD WAS ALSO WEARING GREY.

yes and as usual, there was this big exclaim when i came, cos they havent seen me since i was maybe 9 or so. hahaha. i got to meet the two brothers (sorry i forgot names).. one's 21, the other 19. i think when i was young i used to play with them. I THINK. i vaguely recalled playing with the younger one ONCE. hmm. ya anyway. i dont recognise them and they dont recognise me. talked to the older one about internship and SP, mass comm and all that. he's going to england to study. cool eh~

after that, go another of my mum's friend's house. new house. met another son. -.- that one, as was introduced to, was "an anime fanatic". true true. he had loads of figurines that could rival anyone i knew. from FF series, gundam, to a few i didnt recognise, but mostly mecha. we talked. 2 sentences maybe. hahaha. i dont think i ever met him before. maybe when i was really young. both my mum and her friend insisted we met before. but i really dont remember.

-.- makes me wonder have i really grown that much. they exclaimed so loudly as though i changed a lot. hahaha. then again from 9 till now... i probably did change quite a bit.

im not posting pics, because i didnt take a lot, and also because i look weird in them. HAHAHA.

THAT marks the end of MY CNY as i know it. *shrugs* wish i could have kept in contact with those 3 i met today. HAHA. seems quite impossible. LOLS. maybe next year? xD


tomorrow evening will mark the start of an amazing 4 d 3 night for me. cant wait!

ive been considering changing my email address to .co.jp. i guess it was a matter of time before i was intrigued to doing it. hahahaha.

but then again, thinking back to all the people on MSN, everything, makes me seriously lazy to do that. i mean, THERE ARE STILL PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL SENDING TO HARUKA_TEN_OU@HOTMAIL.COM! -.- which goes to show that no one can 100% change their email addresses. xD haha. so i guess i'll just keep mine the way it is for now... maybe in a few more years i'd be more intrigued and have to do it. but for now, it doesn't feel feel that ... strong yet. so i'll see.

cant wait! i'll be busy again soon! LOL! sun, mon, tues, and wed. officially out of my calendar! WOO! then of course there's... my wonderful trip!

oh goodness i had a nightmare last night! omg. i dreamt of kanazawa... but that's not the scary part. the scary part was that when i dreamt of kanazawa, the faces i knew were replaced with the interns at mediacorp. NOPE not the scary part yet! the scary part was that a certain someone's face was replaced by none other than our very own, very confident of himself, mr gordon tay (who's father's name is derrick).

omg i got a big shock when i woke up. omg~ both stunned that he took the face of a good friend, AND also stunned that i dreamt of him -.- then again the second half is not so shocking because i dreamt of liting and the rest too. oh wells.

anyway, chinese new year is coming, so let me wish everyone a very pleasant and happy chinese new year!

i have a lot of work to do now, helping my dad with his company. ^^ hehehe.

haii... when can i see the girls again? =)

wow ive been really busy these past few days. lets take a recap.

On Feb 1 (Friday):
*not in order*

Club meeting to discuss the various topics of homestay, KTC, ANCT, as well as some logistics stuff. meeting took almost 3 hours if inclusive of food breaks.

Shopping with xiuzhi went with her to do some shopping. she bought stuff, i bought stuff. i think i did anyway. she and i talked about some interesting topics, before some stuff made me rush off. SORRY XIU!

MCS Intern Gathering went for gathering with the interns.. all 8 of us in total. congrats to the NP interns who had finally finished their 5/6 months of hard work! they ate botak jones, and drank some stupid beer. and remind me never ever to let gordon speak, least of all in front of my family. reached home at 1am.

Post Internship Briefing had a post internship briefing in school. was relatively entertaining. sad to know that that was probably the last time id be in school.. okay not for club meetings, but for school meetings.

that was friday.

today i went out for lunch, then met janice to go do some last minute "japan shopping". wah come home then i started rushing out some club stuff that had to be done by tomorrow. and i think i should sleep soon. to アロイ　くん, you dont have to keep thanking me for doing so much. like i said, my term ends only when yours starts. this is only a intermediate period when i pass everything to you. even after your term starts, you all can still give me a call if you need hTelp, advice, brain power, multitasking, desperate, or just manpower. i'll do anything i can, within my powers to help. =p

AND TOMORROW!

Omg. tomorrow im going to lunch with my dad's family, before meeting the "japan trip girls". at around 3+... i think i will be seriously tired! i'll try to squeeze some time in for the club at the night or whenever someone calls i guess. i shall print out the name list LOL!

Meeting weiting on wednesday (so i dont forget xD)

what else... monday and tuesday i probably will be spending my time at home doing a present for yuka. NO ONE TELL HER LOL!

i am one hell of a busy, and seriously tired person. my brain is almost a quarter to none left. but somehow, as long as i have time for... as sandy put it... family, friends, fi-. eh wait her third one was fit. i dont have a "fit" to break time with. ok third one for me shall be club. family, friends, club. for work or for play, doesnt really matter.

like i said, i like being busy.

keeps life interesting, dont you think?

helps me be less revengeful, and takes my mind of others as well. xD


アロイ　くん, ありがとう　ね、jacket　＾＾。　がんばって～　i'll try to help whenever i can. xD　

internship post!

yeah i havent posted in a long time. so now i guess i'll post about my last day at work. last day was nothing special, everything was really busy and i had to rush through a lot of things before i left. i didnt have the feeling of... you know.. "oh yay im leaving today". nothing of that sort. it was more like.. oh, its today. oh okay. seems a bit weird, somewhat like how i left SP... the same feeling, only not as strong (as to those who knew, you know why SP was important to me. KEYWORD BEING WAS!)

I spent the morning doing something.. but i cant recall what anymore... i think we were packing premiums or something. i only remember that my shoes were relatively uncomfortable.. xD

The entire team (Benny, Grace, Pam, Selena, Azril, Serene, + interns Liting, Gordon, Sihua and me) had lunch at this place... that i think i ate either too much or uncooked, because i had like... stomache ache a day after that.

I actually looked forward to leaving... but... something made a great impact on me... i'll let you see it.

Liting, Joachim, Gordon and Sihua gave me a card... okay honestly i didnt read it before i got on the bus. and honestly when i read it on the bus i seriously started crying. the tearing uncontrollably kind of crying.


The guys wrote some stuff inside that made me really happy i met them... even if.. for gordon and sihua.. its just like 3 weeks. but still, the card meant a lot to me. thanks.

Sihua Gordon and Joachim together, got me 3 gifts, one of which is this handphone sock thingy... hahaha. very familiar because si hua has one too! maybe someone felt a pang of pain whenever i dropped my phone. xD hahaha

a set of 4 hairbands. i guess they pitied my hair for being always tied by the normal red rubber bands that someone suggested this. hahaha. i dont know xD


And this damn cute doggy. Honestly i dont know why.. but when i saw this i thought of joachim. xD hahahahaha. it kinda reminds me of him, though i dont know why.. xDand liting got me this. hahahaha. she still specifically told me not to lose it... lols like i can lose something so big like that.

So to the interns i make this post.

To Liting: Thank you so much for everything. I also can truthfully admit that i dont know anyone like you... you really dont act like your age sometimes. xD hahaha. But either way, you taught me a lot throughout that three months xD hehehe. i will never forget all the stupid things we did, all the packing and the carrying up and down the lifts. xD hahaha. was fun.

To Joachim: haha. i dont know where to start. one thing i guess i will never forget is "The Great Escape". xD hahahaha. worst day to execute the plan, but it worked nonetheless. =p thanks for the words of encouragement... but it was also your portion of the card that made me start to cry. and once i started it was hard to stop. lols. thanks for all the help, esp with the dubbing. HAHA until today i dont know how to do it. OH WELL!

To Gordon: ... i know that anything i say is and will be liable to me. but im going to say it anyway. MUST YOU WRITE THAT IN THE CARD... and p.s. your handwriting sucks. seriously. ok yes... you're the KIND (emphasis on the KIND) i like. or used to at least. i dont know lol. but either way... hope everything goes well with your ankle and stuff. ^^ dont flirt with the guys in the team la. =p and yes i know i impressed you.. =p haha okay serious talk now. thanks for like the... help that you've given to me. you seriously made my last week of work very dull (because i have no computer) LOL!. =p

To Sihua: hey girl. sorry. when i left i think i left you with quite a bit of work. dont hesitate to call if you need help x) heeee. yes yes one day i will challenge you again to that game. practice practice okay!!! cannot let Gordon beat you. =) must practice xD hahaha. dont stress out too much .... x) you can always ask your godfather for help. ^^V

Haha. okay im done with my "dedications". hahahaha. internship made me learn a lot of things, and in a sense it helped me put some things behind. it made me able to move on and forget, made me able to start over again. I was quite surprised that i managed to somewhat confide in Liting and Sihua. only somewhat i dont think they have any idea what i was saying though. x) hahaha.

But in the end... i have to go back to school. hahaha. the cycle continues. =p

CONGRATES!!! MY SIS GOT 9 PTS!! =D

I'd admit i felt a little (okay more than a little) depressed yesterday... for a reason i dont know.. seriously. i just didnt want to talk to anyone, i didn't want to be around anyone.. i didnt even want to stay with anyone. i just wanted to be left alone.. i guess the premonition of leaving this "familiar" place has already come, and im just trying to make it easier when i do leave. its like KTC, and SP all over again. i remember in both situations, i took a look back: i wanted to remember one sole place of each place.. but then when i look back here, i dont know what i want to remember... OAP? recep? NPP5? i dont feel like they remind me of something special... the one place i guess.. i want to remember will probably be the gate.. because that's where it all started, and that's where it will all end for me..

but back to my depression.. i really felt yesterday that i didnt deserve to have friends, that something was stopping me. i guess i knew deep inside that after internship we would no longer meet.. and i didnt want to suffer that way again.. so instead of suffering, i think natural instinct in me was just to walk away.

i tried to cry, because something told me that crying would make me feel better. i wanted to run, just literally run and run, but i couldn't. my running shoes were not with me.

everyone here has done so much for me.. they're even going to give me a farewell lunch.. but i dont really want it. i dont want to feel as though im a part of something if im leaving, as though it would mean something if i came back.

im trying to put my mind on brighter things, like going to kanazawa, seeing yuka, busying myself with the last events of the club before moving on.

But i still dont understand.. im still terribly depressed.. im not me lately. maybe on friday i'd feel better.

someone once told me... "I heart that is afraid of dying never truly learns to live." i guess its true.. even if the stacks are piled this way, there's still something else for me to go on with it.

just have a feeling that something's lingering on my mind. something's... out there. i know it. but i just dont know what it is.. guess its meant for me to find out when the time comes..

cant wait to see the girls again.

i just finally managed to watch finish heroes season 1. i guess after all that raving i expected something much more than that. but nonetheless it was a good show. not as amazing as i thought it would be though..

its weird and funny in an odd sort of way... like when hiro said "dai pinch".. literally translated to become big pinch, the subtitles said "#*$@*"... -.- okkkayyyy.

moving on...

ehh.. realise there's nothing else i got to say. hahaha. ok tomorrow marks the... last week at mediacorp. guess im slightly happy. just slightly.

hate is a strong emotion.

and yet it makes us stronger.

hate is powerful, and yet it can choose to make us or destroy us.

so what if i use my hate for revenge?

if you admit you did something wrong, if you know you did, wouldn't that have solved everything?

you hate me not for revenge, but for knowing you inside out. you know i can tear you apart. with one word, i can make a difference.

you think i did something. you think it was my doing. well, think again. it might not have been my hand, but it was only my actions that speak what i need you to hear.

you mess with me, you get burnt. simple as that.

by blogging out all your hate and anger, what does that fulfil? yes you know. and i care. not. really. just remember one thing: i can read you like an open book. remember that.

i dont know i guess its stupid, that im sitting here, trying my best not to cry, for a reason that i dont know. i dont feel like talking, i dont feel like interacting. i just feel like being alone. i think maybe i just feel im losing something, that i feel that ive lost something. and i just dont want to try to get it back.

i want to put up that wall again, put that wall that blocked me from interacting with people, that prevented me from getting hurt. that wall that made me feel safe, that made me feel me.

now i just feel insecure about everything, about how i seem to slowly lose everything. i thought that here, at least i made some progress, that at least something in here changed my life. and it did. but i also lost something. and what i lost, either i dont want to get it back, or i cant.

i want to hate them, i want them to hate me. because if i hate them then i can let them go. if i hate them, maybe it wont make such a difference.

the past 2 days ive felt the urge to start all over again...

the craving will go away once the first cut is made.

but i cant do it. not because i dont have the guts. but because its too hard to explain.. to my families.

my revenge is nearly complete. just a few more days. and then. it will be over.

the end of my internship will also mark the end of that story, that lie, that image that i wanted to believe real.

i will destroy you, because you nearly destroyed my life. but even if you destroy me now... let's look at it this way... who will believe you? i've already thrown it away. what you know means nothing to me anymore.

in a week's time.. i would lose everything i worked for in the past 3 months. in a week's time, these 3 months would mean absolutely nothing to me.

in a week's time... these three months would never have existed.

it's the only way i have left: to wipe away everything, to wipe away my tears. to wipe away the pain.

it's the only way for me to forget: by pretending it never existed.

i hope this is not a recurring sign, or a sign of something else. but recently, especially the past few days, im becoming more quiet, more ellusive, and i have the tendency to want to be left alone.

i dont like crowds: i never did. i dont like going out in big groups of people, pretending for a second or more that i belonged to something bigger, because i never did.

all i need, all i wanted, was a small grp of friends, a small grp of people that has hence grown much larger. and too large, until i can no longer bear it. i cannot help but move myself away, once again becoming that group of 1. but unlike the past, it feels worse, knowing that im losing something, rather than maintaining.

maybe im just destined to live a life of solitude...

maybe i just crave that attention.

i dont know.

and with only 5 days to the end of internship...

suddenly my working environment feels so much like school to me.

suddenly everything i thought i loved became something else.

suddenly, i became... insignificant.















i dont know how else to put this, but today alone gave me the confirmation of my fears, the last drop of my courage and the last of my stamina. i literally cant find the energy to get myself on my feet, i cant get myself to do it anymore.

each day, each conversation, seems mundane now. i guess its all because i know in a while's time it wouldn't matter anymore: because i knew in a while's time the 12 weeks would come to an end, that 12 weeks that i loved.

just one day was enough to spoil everything: make everything clear.

and it made me realise the significance of my existance: and made me realise who i was born to be. this wasn't my calling: i was bound to give this up. this was never meant to be anything more than just 12 weeks at work.

and now it will only be that.


i guess once again it will be a bittersweet feeling, once again that fear of leaving something behind. but i guess the things im looking forward to is much more than the fear of leaving this behind. so while i'm happy for the girls, whom some might be extending their internship, i'm also happy that i didnt..


Once more, once more. It's just once more.


おおの　さとし　くん　の　うた　「Rain」。

This is just the beginning 　これ　ガム　じゃ　ない
This is only the beginning　だれ　も　あいしたいない
This is just the beginning　きみ　に　とど　か　ない　さ
ほら

いたい　でしょう？　ただし　だいじょうぶ　から。

Hmm.. with 7 days to go, i have similar sentiments as phy, who has no idea why people actually said internship could be horrible. i still love every minute here, but because of too many interns and too little work at this period of time. i guess thats why time is passing relatively slow.

today i have to go home to do my log book properly: i'm beginning to lag on the things ive done. and my supervisor also hasnt signed for a relatively long time haha.

no doubt i'd miss my internship days, which explains why i'm uploading this.

I'm still not done uploading my MILE pics... and i have a lot of things to do before i go to kanazawa again..!!! okay good thing internship is ending because i really have a lot of things to do!!!

i miss the girls.. when can i see them again?

みんな　おはよう！！！　へへへ～　わたし　は　わかりました～　もう　ちょっと　だけ。。　金沢　へ　いきました。　たのしい　です！　＝）　

Okayyy back to English LOL. =p Internship is coming to an end, but its literally going slower and slower than before. I miss the times where time flew past in the blink of an eye, where time seemed to go faster than I needed it to be. But now, time seems to be mocking me, crawling at its own leisurely pace, usually slower than my own leisure.

maybe its simply because im just bored, with the introduction of two new interns and my soon departure, there is really nothing much for me to do, so much so that time seems to mock me every second that time goes past.

but still, i cant say im not glad internship is almost over. yes the environment is great, dont mistake me i still love mediacorp, and working here has given me an eye opener beyond anything, but still i'll be glad when this is over.

its draining a lot of my energy, and i find myself tired so often that i really dont think i can go on working like this. so i guess my emotions are based on nothing but my current situation.

i'll definitely miss the people i meet here, but at least here, i can potentially meet them again, whereas i will never get to see people like Yuka... not unless i fly back. which... HEY I AM!!! hahaha.

Talking about Kanazawa, i'm really glad that yuka and i are still in contact.i've heard that most of the hosts have lost contact with us, but thank goodness yuka and i have managed to email each other, even if its nothing serious, nothing common, but still a letter is better than nothing.

わすれない　から。　たのしい　とき、　苦しい　とき、　いつも　いつも。。　わたしたち　の　ゆめ　だから。　ずっと　ずっと。。　わすれない。。　みんな　の　かお。　＝）

internship will be ending soon. cant say im not looking forward to it. i think its a bittersweet feeling... im looking forward to it because of all the things that i love after that... CNY... going to kanazawa... kanazawa students coming to singapore.. everything! omg i cant believe this but i will seriously fall in love with the next two months after im done with my internship.

however i have a lot of things to prepare for.. mainly a scrapbook for yuka. ok that will take up a lot of my time, so i have to figure something out as soon as possible =)

either way, its been raining cats and dogs recently, so i've decided to wear like nice shoes out.. just so my holey converse shoes wont get wet.. as there are HOLES at the base, and that makes it SUPER uncomfortable, as experienced with Alex during Open House..

The wait is beginning to become unbearable. International flights have already been booked on flight~ im flying on the 27th night! hahaha. i wonder if i should send another email to yuka.. guess i'll do that when the time comes nearerr. =) haha.

SZE IF U READ MY BLOG! U WANT TO BUY ANYTHING FOR HER!? I CAN BE UR PERSONAL DELIVERY GAL!

Ok.. time for me to go sleep... COUNTDOWN TO INTERNSHIP END... 10 DAYS.

today i went back to school... for some club thing... its SP's open house today... so i wasn't surprised when i managed to talk to a few of our lovely lecturers.

i first saw mr ang and mr rajan, and had a short conversation with mr ang about why im here...

then i met ms peters... who i talked to for a whole 15 mins about internship and the pros and cons of being there...

then i talked to mr wong... our PTN... about the students, and also a bit about internship.

what shocked me was i met NARESH! haha he was covering Spinnovex as part of his work at Mediacorp, and he was just as surprised to see me lol.

I also briefly talked to mr kwan... just for like 5 minutes. he doesnt seem to realise we're on internship hehe.

sadly, i didnt get to see ms kwa, ms nga or any other LOs.

standing at the booth gave me leg pain... until now i can feel the pain pulsing in my feet. i think i will have to limp tomorrow.. oh no...

2 more weeks to end of internship.. the feeling is mostly happy, a little sad. but mostly glad. x)

wow. its been a long time that i actually updated on MY LIFE. Like seriously ive been writing a lot about how i feel, and how i want things to happen, that i realise i fail to talk about my LIFE in general. so i'll update.

Saturday, i went out with Ryan. (i guess let me first talk a little about said ryan.) Ryan's just a guy i happened to meet recently... okay let me rephrase that. i met ryan in secondary school... he was a friend of a friend... but we met again recently. yep.

We originally planned to go out together for christmast shopping, but cancelled it at the last minute due to.. hee.. me meeting other people... so in the end ryan and i decided on yesterday... so yeah. we went walking around, some lunch, some more walking, before heading home. it was quite interesting, really, filled with laughter and silly random-ness.

okay. enough with ryan. now unto a more common topic.

Today, at approximately noon, phyphy asked me on MSN if i was free... the moment that came out we sorta planned to watch an inpromptu movie... called Mission Sex Control. was laughable... about koreans trying to stop their villagers from having children so that they wont be overpopulated and affect their GNP. damn funny to see the koreans acting and their reactions to things we've seen every day, or know... like being taught how to put condoms etcetc. really
funny.
Phy and i saw this very funny bird inside AMK... it was trying to fly out... but it wouldnt fly... it just seemed to like... trying to fly out... but it couldn't. so... it kept flying back and forth... and there was this... security guard... who seemed to be waiting at the door for the bird to fly out...


anyway after the movie, we went off for dinner... xiu got her ice cream that she been craving for a while... then we proceeded to ajiten to eat dinner.

phy had her very very spicy ramen that got her face red like chilli... i only ate cali rolls... xiu just drank her mineral water -.-!!


after that we headed home!!! =) yay!!! it was great meeting the girls again... we have to do it again. oh my god im like so full i cant really eat anything now... bloated like a balloon...

something had been disturbing me for the past few days... i guess its either paranoia, or the idea that i might be turning into the hypocrite... the exact kind that i had always hated. i hated it, questioning myself, constantly tormenting myself, wondering why the hell was i like this, how the hell did i turn to this.

and today, i was given the answer: the opportunity to speak to another close soul about what i felt. i didnt talk to anyone about this before, because i felt that only i could give myself the answer i sought, but when the topic came up, i guess everything came out.

what came back to me, i guess, was regret: that i never sought out the others before. because now i have the answer i need, and i know that i'm not the only one feeling that way.

the answer and advice was given to me in the form of the MSN conversation of phyllis. i guess maybe what she suggested was the most obvious thing in the world, and that i should have known it would have to be this way... but i guess... complications arose that made me think that the initial idea wouldnt have been possible... but now i realise it is... guess you can say i was clouded..

so i guess... thanks phy for "enlightening" me... because now i have the answer that i need.. i guess you can say you made it clearer for me... thanks!

recently ive been having weird pangs of pain... like i cant stretch.. i cant breathe properly. its weird, it's not long lasting, but its there. it hurts like hell when it's there.. almost worse than a knife sticking in your stomach. hypothetically speaking, of course.

i have lost more or less a lot of stomach space, and have no stomach for a lot of things i used to want. i dont feel like puking, but if i force food in, i cant swallow it. i havent gone to see the doctor because i dont feel its anything that the doctor can diagnose... i tried before and it didnt help.

ouch. there it is again... its not my heart. its in the space below chest area. literally. i cant breathe too deeply... i cant even stretch properly.. it hurts like hell, and i am at a loss as to what to do. i think my body is slowly learning not to listen to my mind anymore.. even moving now i'm afraid, because the pain comes literally so sudden and so shocking that i can do nothing about it but to suppress it.

my nerve endings are on a strike.. they want me to feel pain... everything hurts now... except my heart. haha. oddly thats the part that doesnt hurt a bit. okay maybe its numb from the pain ive already put it through.. but at least... that part of my life is over. at least my heart can feel happy for now... while the rest of my body disintegrates and hurts...

faces in the mirror


seems like i got my flair of writing back. i guess the changes i've made to myself have not gone unnoticed... based on the reactions i got from certain people. ive learnt a lot about others yesterday: learnt how sometimes you only get to see one face, so much that you become oblivious to the other faces he/she shows others. the result being two people you never thought you could meet... yet somehow they're the same person. maybe you hate one, and yet you are okay with the other.

for me, 1% of hate is stronger than 3% of laughter. i just cannot look at someone and know that once they turned my life upside down. i guess at some point in time i wish i had learnt to be strong earlier... during that time i was a quiet person... who was willing to forgive, and in brutal terms, follow blindly. if someone said this person was okay, to not offend that one person, i would have said so to, to her at least.

i guess at that point in time i created a few faces for myself, hiding behind the kalediscope of faces i created for myself.

but now, from a face for everyone, it slowly blended to become only two faces: two faces that two different people see. one is the girl that you see if you're a friend.

that girl is a bubbly, happy and playful girl that doesnt mind making a fool of herself with her friends, that can share anything with them, and she knows that even if she had told them facts, truths, they could accept her point of view even if they didnt agree with it.

the other girl is an exact opposite. that girl is an evil girl with evil plans whom she intends to set free. before, this girl was suppressed, thinking that if she let this girl out, she would lose everything she had... the friendship, and everything else. but with her new found strength, she was taught into realising that maybe, this girl had a purpose in being a part of her afterall. since her childhood she had always been revengeful, evil, maybe notorious even. but she had left them to thoughts and stories, never letting them out. she was afraid of what might happen... of karma, maybe. but certain things in her life that she felt made a difference, made her realise that it was their karma for messing with her, and that some sacrifices are worth making. because of this girl, this girl that only her enemies see, she was able to balance each one. without the assassin, she would have to suffer with the pain. with this girl, she could live with it, knowing one day they would get their own from her.

~~

looking into the mirror, sometimes she knew she no longer recognised herself. (wait why am i speaking in third person...) so much so that i've become almost like a person i've been watching, a person that was no longer me. its hard to explain... but it seems that the moment i realised that i could do something about life, that i had a hand, a share in what happens to me, that my fate planned it this way, and that i have control, i lived a life that was no longer my own.

reading back my entries from the past, i guess i did change a lot. my past was filled with moments of KF, nick and eugene, of how i wanted to forget desmond. my writing has somewhat changed too... i've begun to write more and more about how i feel, than just what happened... i guess the need to write has become an innate part of my life.

so... seeing that weiting has posted a happy and sad thingy.. i shall too. even if im a little late.

Happy things that Happened to me in 2007

1) 19th MILE
the memories, SOME OF the people i've met there, my host family, KTC, every part of it. each part, each memory, means so much to me. because of the MILE trip, because of the people i didn't like, the ones i did got closer, and because of that, i became stronger. i will remember each moment, each memory, all the laughter and "roger's gift". even if some people made the trip bittersweet, but because of that, the others and i got closer... and because of that... it made it so much better.

2) birthday chalet
i know i didn't say much about this, but this really meant a lot to me. i mean, firstly its my first birthday celebration... even if nothing much happened, the small details will always be with me... the games we played, and the fun we had. i'll always remember them.

3) phy's bday party
although this was not necessarily my own memory... but it was wonderful all the same, because of the planning involved, the fun we had "lying" to her... planning our lies and plotting carefully, staying up late to finish the cloaks, giving ourselves inspiration and everything. the look on her face was more than anything. it was priceless. the fun we had was really unforgettable. the planning was even more intricate... planning how to get her out... my angst... my anger at sandy... running to her place... following her... keeping contact with xiuzhi... everything.. jamming the lifts, even to the extent that her parents helped! oh goodness i won't forget that.

4) chalet
of course, how can i forget the half-year chalet the girls and i have? its a tradition after all!!! it was always fun to bond with the girls... even if weird things do come up. but planning for xiu's surprise was also a little odd... how to bring the cake into the chalet... how to bring the gift? where to get and what to get for her? how to get her out? the night before was spent planning... phy san and me.. online trying to figure how to get her out... me blowing balloons in the toilet... phy pretending to sleep... sandy pretending to lose the non-existant ring that fit gave her... everything... oh my goodness imagine the planning!

Sad things that happened to me in 2007

1) ... you know... when i reached this part... i really cant think of anything to write. i mean... i stared at this blank for a whole 10 minutes before i could decide what to write. okay... i could write about how i feel, about the pain in my heart, about how i was torn and broken, my disappointments and regrets, but then i realised i didnt have any. because every single sad moment i had, every bad thing that happened to me, turned out okay in the end. just like in MILE, because i had to go with SOME incompetent people, it made the rest and i bond even more than we would have initially. similarly, every bad thing that happens to me, something good will come out of it. suddenly everything that's sad seems seemingly insignificant. i guess... that's a good thing.

a new year, a new resolution. each year seems to pass and yet my resolutions never seem complete. with each year comes more uncertainties, more fears and more doubts. more incomplete achievements, the insignificance of the years before.

i would say i'll let it all go. i'll throw it all away and forget it. but i can't. because what i want to forget is too deeply intwined with what i'll always remember. its two different things, two separate issues, and yet, like thread with cloth, it all comes together, blending.

this song in my blog is so haunting, so peaceful, and yet.... it symbolises everything i feel right about now.

i told myself i'll give it up, that i'll give it away. i shouldn't be sad, not even disappointed about something that i knew would never happen. guess that's why im okay with everything. rather, instead of feeling upset and disappointed, i choose to feel happy, happy that it had, during its time, made me stronger, made me who i am now: someone that can stand on my own two feet. i'd rather this happen all over again, the memories alone are precious enough.

my chapters have to end. there's literally nothing more for me to go on with any longer. but thank you, really. for making me strong. for making me realise what i can do. for making me realise, i dont have to be pushed around, i dont have to take anything lying down. i have the mindset, i have the power, i can use it. even if its not my power, even if there's no way for me to do anything... there's still always a way out. i used to get upset over thinking about shit, about what happened to me, and about how helpless i used to feel. but after those days, after those moments, ive grown stronger. instead of feeling helpless, i now knew how to manipulate it to my advantage, to make it work, to do something about it. and because of that. i grew stronger. im now able to stand on my own feet, support my own spine. for those moments, those memories, thank you.

a year has gone by, so have many memories. i dont regret anyone of them. although it seems like i would be better off rewinding time and hoping it never happened, hoping that i never started anything, hoping i didn't dig my grave, i wont undo anything. each and everything i did, i learnt to overcome, i gave up, each moment made me stronger. i can admit that. each memory, each moment, taught me something.

the past year was full of memories... things that i'd never forget.

1) yuka. i'll never forget that memory for as long as i live. kanazawa, ishikawa, 19th mile. forever it will be a part of me.

2) the girls... for each moment i shared my torments and pain with them, they were there to listen to me. for all the joys that we been through, the troubles and the pain... planning of parties, planning of everything, scheduling, working, stressing and laughing together. those memories will always be with me.

3) the people i hate. thank you, even thanking you. because you made me strong. you made me realise everything.

4) my secret. thank you for making me realise my own strength, for letting me stand on my feet. thank you for making my life better, even if at one point it was all sadness and misery. the scars on my wrist will take some time to fade, but by then, hinoki will be stronger than ever. thank you for doing all that, even if you didn't know it.

5) weiting... especially weiting. thank you for listening to me. you know what i mean. =) i'll be here if you need a pillow to whack~

6) art.. for the funny looking kitty. (DONT SAY MEOW!) thanks for listening to me and giving me cryptic messages. the quote you gave me still is a part of me today.

7) アロイ... for everything. for letting me know einstein did not invent the lightbulb... all the laughs and the mind challenging conversations to the night. x) was fun.

to all those who mean so much to me, thank you for being there for me... =) thank you all.

this new year... marks a new beginning. literally. because its on the 31st, while i was sitting at the MRT... that i swore to myself and promised others, that i will let it go. that i'll finally... give it all up. that chapter of my life is literally closed. now only future lies ahead. we'll see where this leads us.

Hard to believe my blog is already 1 and a half years old... hmmm. since the art house trip with the girls... cant imagine at that time... my 3rd post talked about how much i can finally give desmond up. and now... hahaha. so much has really happened since then...

ok what started off as a great day today was made worse and worse. found out some information that i never knew was possible. but because of that it suddenly made me realise what a true friend is.

never forget your revenge. One down, one to go. Why do these people keep popping up?

you know, sometimes there is no point in hiding things, because hiding things would only make it worse when people find out. somethings you think back and wonder, why hide it in the first place? and once that is hidden, everything starts boiling out again. the incompetence, the lack of effort, every fucking thing comes back twice as hard. trying to forgive you is no longer part of the equation, only how to get back at you.

you know at least i'll be here for you.

its funny how certain things just happen that way, how fate has a way of biting a chunk out of secrets. either that or i have a ear for rumours.

let's think of how to do this properly, shall we? you've already started... phase 1 has already begun... let's prepare for phase 2...

NPP5 and OAP5 had a party today, to say farewell to a Selena Ho (whom I've honestly never met). as usual, the interns picked a corner and called it their own. =D


jeremiah decided to sit on joachim.. look how happy the two are.. =D

everyone obviously hungry for food... the woman with the short hair down front is the farewell "princess". btw, can you guys spot the shrek? =X
look at the assortment of food. and obviously, i didnt eat anything... despite the temptations of jeremiah and joachim.
yes... the fairwell girl and her two 80s friends~ hahahaha. damn funny how these people dressed up just for the sake of a farewell party. OAP5 people are definitely more sporting than the NPP5 side... of course we have our own sporting people... people like grace and benny!
hahaha. ok yes once again i was very bored... so i snapped this. obviously i moved too fast. but HEY at least my hair looks nice. =D hahaha.

hai im back! i added a link too~ check out my pictures =) hahaha.

okay so i decided to go back for the signing of MOU after all... guess there was nothing for me to.. think too much about. haha. it was a great day! i got to see weiting, and the others as well!!! =D im a happy person.

even got a chance to gather with the girls and "gather intelligence" about certain stuff.. hahahaha. poor weiting spent so much money on hikaru that her mail cost her $50... just to MAIL the letter... poor girl.

i hope yuka got the gift.. =) and i hope its still in one piece by the time it reaches japan hahahaha. oh my god its only left me with like... maybe 2 months? oh goodness... i cant wait!

everything literally seems to want to go my way so that i can be happy. now im afraid that the bad half of my life will be horrible when it comes, so i dont want to be too happy.

haii... ok dont panic. tomorrow is christmas... MOU day was a great day for me. i dont regret going one bit.. it was... if i could say so... perfect.

i finally got to see them again...

im not going to make a very coherent post here, because im sworn to secrecy. all i will say is that im glad he came to me. that im glad he decided to trust me enough with the information, that he knew that i could keep that secret for him. truth be told, there was nothing much i could do but just listen.

today i'll once again be going back to school. once again the bittersweet regret feeling. im taking half day off work, so im currently at office. spent yesterday decorating hall... but at least it looks super good now. (i thinks).

everyone seems to have their own share of problems, that suddenly my own seem insignificant. its not that im trying to hide my problems, or deny facing them, but the time to tell has not arrived yet. im just worried that one day that line will fade and i ended up causing more problems for myself than before.

... that's what im here for. two heads are better than one, isnt it? isn't this why you created me?

everything seems so surreal, so... unpredictable. i really feel as though im in a dream that had suddenly been pushed fast forward. i can see everyone else in that future, but i dont see myself. i cant see where i am, or where i want to be. is it simply because i just dont have a future? or that i havent decided, realised what i want yet?

i envy those who can boldly say that they want something, and strive to get it, by all means necessary. those people i admire.

but it seems reality is, almost literally, crashing down on me.

The 10 Quiz

10 Things I Miss

1. Chalets with the Girls
2. SPSEC (People and Clubroom)
3. Miyazaki
4. Takeshima Family
5. Kanazawa
6. Family Gatherings
7. Leisure writing
8. Snow
9. AuditionSEA
10. Sleep

10 Things I Want

1. Money
2. Clothes
3. Japan!
4. Shoes
5. Bags
6. Outings with Close Friends
7. Death Note Leather Bound
8. To Never Forget Anything
9. My Dream Come True
10. True Happiness

10 Things I Love

1. My Family
2. My Close Friends
3. Japan (Yes that’s the answer to everything)
4. Anime
5. Music
6. Writing
7. Designing
8. Photography
9. Memories
10. YUKA!!!


10 Songs in My Mind

1. Arashi – Love So Sweet
2. M.O.V.E. – Painless Pain
3. BoA – No. 1
4. Koda Kumi – Freaky
5. Koda Kumi – No Regret
6. K – Only Love
7. Chris Daughtry – Over You
8. Arashi – Jidai
9. Arashi – I Want Somebody
10. BoA – Girls On Top


10 Regrets (WAH WHERE GOT SO MANY!!!)

1. Trusting certain people that shouldn’t be trusted
2. Not spending enough time with family


10 Memories I’ll Remember Forever

1. Past 2 chalets with the girls (bonded like hell there, burnt like hell too)
2. Sentosa trip (who can ever forget our “identical sunburns, and sunburn lotion!”)
3. Going Kanazawa with the guys… meeting yuka.. the entire kanazawa experience was phenomenal.
4. Chalet with the guys on my birthday (Seriously, thanks so much. It was a great memory.)
5. My montage memory of betrayal and backstab
6. Phy’s birthday party… all that planning paid off at last!
7. Working at MediaCorp (met the best people ever… had a lot of laughs… and sprained bodyparts).
8. Secondary School Sports Events… (will never forget the thrill of jumping and running, of speed, adrenaline… I loved that feeling).
9. Going overseas or spending time with family
10. The times where I felt important/needed.

Today was a freaking bad day. I lost my ezlink card. AGAIN! Stupid stupid! Oh my god I lost it. I seriously cant believe I lost it!

On the bright side, I bought a shirt and a skirt. But the loss of my ezlink card, with the addition of my spoilt POSB card… is a bad card day. And just after we talked about losing cards, no less.

OH MY GOD AND I JUST BOUGHT CONCESSION FOR TOMORROW!!!

The best part? The guy told me that no one can use it because the conductor will check. YEAH LIKE THAT HAPPENS! Stupid. He wont even let me cancel the card. Stupid. If my card has less money because someone uses it is because the transitlink people cant freaking do anything about it. They need a 24 hr hotline like DBS man!

OMG. okay i had a bad day today. but then when i came home everything became good.

was quite surprised because the first thing i saw was a red letter... when in Singapore do you get a red letter? but what caught my eye was that...



yes it had that many stamps. reminded me of harry potter when mrs weasley sent a snail mail over with a lot of stamps. but what caught my eye was the words at the bottom which said...

"FROM YUKA (followed by Yuka's address)..." OMG I STUN. i didn't expect yuka to send a letter to me, and i wanted to send one too, but i didnt have the address! well, now i do! and thats not the best part..




it came with these.. omg im so touched la!!! the letter was so nice, and even otoosan and okaasan wrote something (In japanese. i think yuka must have told them i only understand hira, cos they wrote it all in hira.. xD haha)

yuka said that its really cold over there... i hope she's not sick. she even got me "Snow" haha. maybe i should get her "Sun". xD hahaha.

okay!!! getting a letter from them really lifted my spirits and jolted my senses. i want to hug yuka!

yes im missing her more and more.. again...

OKAY TOMORROW IM SENDING SOMETHING BACK!

Can it just be sour? Bittersweet? Hate? Regret? What is this feeling?

Coming back to school, seeing the girls again not only reminded me of the joy, but somewhat also of the hatred and pain through those 3 years. The conflicts, the fights, the quarrels, everything. And the more I think about it, the more I know I will never forgive nor forget. Because I’m still waiting to watch them suffer.

I will not help the enemy: that much I’ve agreed to do on my own. I will not blame anyone for being friends with an enemy, because they have their lives and I have mine. I will not make you hate, and similarly you cannot make me not hate.

I guess its really a bittersweet feeling that courses through my veins, because although I’ve grown closer to certain people and began to understand them more, I also begin to realize how their mind works, and I can hate them for it. certain things that’s been said to me, I will keep it to myself: not because I want to save your face, not because I don’t wish to let you know its not you, but because I see no benefit for me to divulge that piece of information. So what if the world thinks badly of you? What if the world shuns you? What good does that do to me?

It just makes me realize that there is a deep dark secret, a personality behind each smiley face I see, a secret that once told, will command no respect from me. And this person I’m currently talking about, has already lost it.

I don’t know. I know the people I hate are as follows:

1) backstabbers (solution: revenge)
2) spineless hoarders (solution: deny help)

For now, that’s all I can do. Soon, as more of these personalities come up, more solutions will appear. And then, that’s when the answer will come to me.

Going to school always is satisfying, because I always realize something there. Whether good or bad, I always realize something of significance to my life there. It’s a great thinking space.

~

On the bright side, I’ve decided to write a wishlist for Christmas. But then I realized that that would be the same as my wishlist at the side… so I decided to cancel that portion of the post.

talking to アロイ　くん　always seems to put things into perspective for me. its like how things we say might be random and make no link or even sense to the topic that we started out in... but it for some reason makes perfect sense to my life.

it shocks me to a certain extent of how he seems to be going through/ have gone through what i already have, and somehow we come to similar conclusions. odd isnt it?

at least maybe because of that, i can trust the club to him, because i know he feels the same way i do, the way KF never felt: as though the club's existance is more important than school itself. i told KF this a long time ago, the club meant more to me than anything else. i was willing to stress myself out because of the club, to skip classes because of the club. my life wouldnt have been half what it is today without the club (for one, i would have never met yuka). i told KF before that for some reason, the club, even though with its stresses and irritations and ups and downs, it relieves me from the stress of school. when i stress for the club, i feel relaxed. it's a way out from school life, to me.

whenever i told KF that, his reply would always be the same: that we came to school for studying. we are not being paid to run the club. we shouldnt have to overwork and stress ourselves out because of something like that: it's supposed to be fun. but he just doesnt seem to understand: it's no longer a matter of fun and games.

アロイ　くん and i, while talking, were wondering what would happen to both of us had we not been in this club. one very obvious thing would be the lack of somewhere to hang out for hours between classes. i used to think that i was the only one, that i was the only one foolish enough to ever feel that way. until last night: i realised im not the only one that feels this odd affinity towards SPSEC.

i guess maybe so many things have changed, but yet still we have watched the club grow, maybe helped in it, and indirectly each of us have planned for its future. many friends were formed because of that club.

i guess thats the real reason why im not willing to step down so early, partially because i feel like fulfilling my whole team, but more than that, because i somehow felt that life didnt feel the same without the club. knowing that even if i continued to go on with my studies or work, i would still end up coming back to school to help out with the club. that remains to be a fact. maybe im just not ready to let it go yet.. i dont see how they can be so willing to step down and move on, when on the otherhand im unwilling to. i want to see the club to the end.

アロイ　くん and i also talked a little more about personal lives, and i feel i can understand him a little more, why the change in him, and what he's going through. sometimes it really feels like im looking at my life in someone else's body... some parts are just too similar..

I predict that this will be a relatively long post. But then again, maybe not. I’ve really run out of the drive to continue blogging, knowing that people are reading into my words, predicting, blaming, contradicting or proving me wrong with words I’ve written.

True, gone are the times I really cared about what others think, about whether I should even be bothered that something like this is happening to me. I remember I used to be the one reading into those words: that I used to be the one guessing and predicting everything someone else said, and wondered if it applied to me.

But now that I’m on the receiving end, I think I really have come down to not care about it anymore. If you know you’re innocent, you don’t have to doubt my words. You won’t have to second guess my words. Similarly, that’s probably why people like Xiuxiu and Phy never asked me whether it was about them: simply because they knew it wasn’t.

It’s a round circle that I’m running in, each step will take me further away, yet closer, to the beginning. A never ending cycle.

On the bright hand side, at least I have Yuka. Her reply to me, even once in a month, was enough to make me happy. Because when I thought back to my previous host Haruka, and how she ignored me and never replied me, I began to realise what it must have taken for Yuka to have to reply me so often. And because of that I feel more than ever I need to go back.

Each step is taking me another step closer. And yet further at the same time. It’s a never-ending cycle of… nothingness.

I guess it’s time for me to let go. A few things are still in my mind, but its really time, I think, for me to say goodbye to those memories, put them in a cache, and move on. Because no matter what, no matter how long I hold on to them, they’ll just be memories that meant nothing.

It’s odd because even as I’m writing this, I’m telling myself I can’t really let go. I can never probably. So I guess the only option that remains to be seen is to wait it out, wait till I feel I can let it go in peace.

It was a large part of my life. That was it. Nothing more.

Moving on, in a few days I’d be back at school again. Once again, that bittersweet feeling. Of knowing when I went back, I’d feel like I wasn’t a student any more, and inevitably, that in a few weeks time, I probably never will be again.

omg im just so happy after i met ms kwa.. she treated us to lunch as well! olivia and i were just so happy that we finally got to see a familiar face from SP. we talked abit about everything, about our class and all... and the "tension" in the class that apparently the teachers can feel towards 01. Ms kwa said its better these few weeks, because she said that at least towards the end, everyone seemed to get together as a cohesive whole... haha. not me. i dont want to be a part of that "cohesive whole". i dont see a cohesive whole at all. ANYWAY...

it still feels good to see ms kwa in mediacorp. sure the other interns are nice, but it cant beat meeting someone i havent seen in so long!

yeah that was about it. ms kwa treated us to lunch at adam's road... before she headed back to SP, and olivia and i to mediacorp. lucky we left early too, because joachim and liting were stuck in the "rain"... at least until i told liting i'd bring the umbrella for her... but it stopped raining hahahahaha.

it's time, isn't it. the date is coming closer and closer.

yeah it's getting closer alright. just 4 more days.

you honestly can go back happily?

i don't know. hahaha. can i? partially i am happy, yes that much i have to admit. i am happy because i have finally succeeded in completing a phase of my mission. a lot still has to be done before the final preparations. and i know i only have 4 days left. and finally i know what i intend to do at the end. i know what i want to achieve. and i will get it done.

good to know. finally, we're working together instead of you hiding me all the time.

let me write it here, and now.

i am not doing this because of the cyclist club. this has in no fucking way got anything to do with the cyclists. im not some mindless creature that does things that people tell me to do. at least know that.

stop assuming that im doing all these because of someone or something. im not. im doing this on my own, in my own power. watching them suffer, knowing that i caused it. i will not be trodden over again. i will not let you have that satisfaction again.

you thought you knew me, and yet you simply assumed that. you said its about friends, at this rate you're going to lose one. im not going to hide or deny, i'm not running away. hell i knew this was going to happen.

it fucking sucks, knowing that after one year, you can accuse me of something like that. knowing that and worrying about it.. you can blatantly just say that while you sit there next to him.

dont think i dont know anything. in fact. i know more than you think.


watch me. my hell is not yet complete. there is still another 2 phases to go...

everything is literally going my way. every single step, from minute details to the major decisions. every single step of the way is the truth. she seemed immune, she was immune. because all her forces were with her, because she had worked for this.

she had everything she needed... every moment has been going exactly as she loved it to be, even better.

my angel, my devil. you're more than i could dream for a counterpart. you're the devil mastermind.

its going perfectly, isnt it?

yes my angel. its going perfectly. even God cannot help anymore. because the path to destruction has already been made. and there is only one last option left, one last fork in the road.

omg omg omg omg!!!!

today, when i came back for lunch, joachim gave me a note and an apple. at first i was confused.. then i understood... omg...

omg i really didnt expect this. i mean... its a really nice gesture that i really didnt expect. i knew that benny was a nice boss (they're all nice people, really)... but this really sweet to me. yeah i know its only an apple and a post-id note... but its really thoughtful of him to do that.. =) i mean... it sort of gave me the encouragement i needed. i must remember to thank him when i see him! haha

*this kinda sounds like phy's post on the flowers... but what the heck. its a happy post.*

**im sorry if the picture turns funny... mediacorp TV has one funny camera.. xD ahahaha.

Listening to my own background song in blogger reminds me how sad i was. LOL. because ultimately my answer is still they same. Although last night I had probably the greatest dream ever, a dream I wished I would never wake up in, it was still a dream after all.

This song means so much to me for so many reasons: its weird how a loud rock song can suddenly turn into the most emotional song I’ve heard. This song reminds me of everything, of MILE, of the chalet, of the broken computer. Everything. Every memory I ever had with the MILE team, every waking memory I shared with any of them. And it is a pity that I might never get to see them again.

Now that I’m sure I’ll see yuka again, I’m not that upset over MILE anymore. Because the people I want to see are in Singapore, and yet I can’t see them. Oh well… you can’t win everything.

My dream, if any clearer, reminded me that I have to stop dreaming. Because once I dream I start to hope. And I cannot afford to hope. Because I know that nothing will come out of it. the dream felt so longing, felt so emotional, that thing background song becomes the perfect background medley for that particular dream.

This song means so much: yet for reasons I cannot really explain. But each time I hear this song, I’m forced to remember, forced to smile. Because when I remember those memories, I can’t help but to smile I think “well, at least I was happy then”.

Going back to SP has indeed made me feel very much better: because at least there, I felt as though I was back in familiar ground, even though I didn’t feel I was a part of SP anymore. The memories I shared there, memories that I remembered…

Walking to the MRT with アロイ　くん, getting a call from Weiting, briefly bumping into Hiryuu kun every now and then, bumping into people I met through the club. That for once, when I walked down those halls, someone somewhere knew who I was. Someone knew my name. Here, in mediacorp, I’m nothing more than just an intern.

It’s odd how most of my memories are of the club people, or of selected few in MILE. I guess the reason is because firstly this song reminds me of MILE, firstly because it was Hiryuu-kun who introduced this song to me. Secondly because the only thing I’m sad about currently is MILE. Hahahaha. I guess I don’t see my reflections with the girls because I never actually went into SB: I never had the courage to enter those walls again. Then again, either I pushed the girls aside, resulting in me being unable to see them, unable to see myself with them, or… I hate to think of the other consequences.

Those memories that made me laugh, made me cry, made me happy, and made me hurt all at the same time. I loved those memories: I treasured them more than anything else in the world. Because although I know those memories now mean nothing to me, and that my dream no longer matters, it’s okay. I know I can live with it, just watching from afar, listening from afar. Although it hurts, and trust me it’s going to hurt more when I go to Kanazawa, because even more memories are going to be absorbed into my head. I’m going to remember more things. But I don’t want to forget them. Those simple things, those small things. I don’t want to forget them because they are a part of me, and that they once made me happy.

But because of the lies I’ve made to so many people, I can’t trust myself or anyone to tell them the truth behind those memories, my hopes have already been dashed. Because of those lies, because of those lies I was forced to make, I can no longer trust myself to divulge those memories, to tell anyone of those special memories: that even though they mean absolutely nothing now, at that time, they had made me happy. That was all I really needed.

I just hope those memories continue to happen, and not just brutally stop in the middle of the tracks. I’d hate to lose friends like that…

I miss the girls… I miss the club. I even miss the teachers! I really don’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss SP. The memories of being there, although mostly weren’t pleasant. But at least some of them were.

And for those happy memories, or the memories that once made me happy, I will choose to hold on to them… even though they really no longer mean anything to me.

hey. im a happy person tonight. nothing, i mean, NOTHING, will bring me down. you know why?

because after... 1 month, one entire month, i finally had the chance to head back to SP! yeah i was freaking excited and happy, as though it was a holiday for me...

i guess... i was pretty shocked. because when i entered the gates of SP i felt, oddly, like a stranger. i felt i no longer belonged behind those walls, no longer welcome behind the protected walls of SP. everything i saw, everything reminded me so much more why i wanted to be back there.

i took a quite detour to SB before i headed down to business, and although it was pouring, i captivated everything in my head. because i didnt want to lose those memories. although i didnt get to find what i was searching for, i at least managed to retrace my steps, rethink my strategies, and remember the happy times.

back at the clubhouse, i was greeted with the familiar faces of my committee, and i never felt so happy. sure, it was for work, but i loved it because i loved the company. i miss those people, those that had shared memories with me, and those that i had failed to see.

a little sad note here, i didnt get to see a few people i wanted to meet, people like weiting. also, i met a few people i didnt want to meet... but overall i loved it!

i learnt a few things today.. i learnt that i stood my ground today. i fought for something i believed in. won, lost, i dont care.

on the way home i even had the chance to see ms helen ng! it felt so great meeting her, sharing my stories with her. it felt great to see so many familiar faces today.

coming back to SP reminded me of the things i left behind, of the memories i still remembered. it reminded me also somewhat of the pain and the sadness, but it was overall a well-worth trip. i look forward to going back again next week.

you really dont realise what's worth holding on to, until its gone. today was really an emotional upturn for me. SP never seemed so welcoming.

Suddenly one by one, each piece is slowly falling into place. Each piece, each detail, is slowly becoming clearer, becoming a whole. I’m not hiding behind and hope it happens anymore: I will make sure it happens, even if I have to do it with my own hands.

I will sit there, I will watch you suffer, and I will laugh. Because I’ve been waiting. Phase 1 is complete. Phase 2 is about to begin. Soon, each day and each time, I will tear you apart.

That’s it. That’s my girl. Slowly, we are becoming one.

One day, one day you will see, you will understand. That day, is the day I let it all go. That day, I will be able to look at you without hatred, and look at you as you collapse to the ground. That will be the day, the day you know the truth. The day you find out the truth.

That’s my girl. That’s the girl I thought I knew, the girl I thought was lost. She’s back.

What I planned, and what’s happening, is not going the way I want it to go.

It’s better.

Each moment I’m getting happier, because of the things that I can’t control, but yet they’re getting better and better.

They say karma is working my way. But I’m using it for the wrong reason. So be it. Like I told a few people: certain sacrifices are worth making: certain aren’t. I will not sacrifice everything for my revenge. I will only sacrifice myself. The only two that are going down is me, and my victim. No one else. No one deserves to suffer any more than they already have to.

Its stupid: I’m sitting behind my desk. I’m already off work for a while, and yet I’m sitting here typing this. And the worst part is, I’m so close to tears. I’m so close to my goal, and yet I’m crying because I know what I intend to sacrifice. And although I feel its worth it, I’m sorry for pulling so many people into it with me…


All you need is me. I’ll get you through it. I’ll be your strength. I’ll be your power. I’ll be your determination. Greatness lies not in being strong, but the right use of strength. What you’re doing, you know deep down is right to you, isn’t it?

It feels right. And even if its wrong, I still have to do it. it’s a part of me that I won’t be able to let go until I can really let it go.

once again on an upset roll.

so i'm just going to rant. if you dont want to hear my ranting, scroll down and wait for the pink portion.

~~ (ranting begins)

you claim to be responsible, you throw your rank everywhere you go. but when it comes down to the hard and dirty work, you'd rather not.

you'd rather say no, because you've cried, because you just dont want to, i honestly dont care. my off days are supposed to be for my leisure, for my enjoyment, for me to relax. im working my saturdays off so that i can have some time on weekdays. im willing to make a small sacrifice, and use BOTH my current off days to go to school and do the shit work that you obviously cannot. out of everyone, you are supposed to be the one covering my back, taking care of things when im not around.

instead all i know is today is a deadline for something that アロイ　くん only found out two days ago. tell me, pray please explain to me, what was i to do if he didnt? it was a wonderful opportunity, a great PR method... only we never knew.

thank goodness i came online yesterday night. i came for you, but i ended up having to clear the workload. its okay, because now im using my leave for club work. im fine with that. im fine with having to do that. but then i need you to tell me, honestly, why are you still holding on to this club, to this position?

because i cannot just accept that everytime there's work to be done, and i need you to be there, i have to always settle for a "oh. i dont want to go." if you're not free, i can understand. but noooo. its "i dont WANT to go." emphasis on the WANT. you've made your choice, and ive made mine.

its over.

be prepared for it. i will bring hell down.

~~

hehe. okies im back!!!

yeah oh a higher note, i'll be taking off on 2 days! yay i get to use my off! just didn't expect so many club stuff to crop up. many thanks to アロイ　くん for keeping me fairly updated about the club events, as well as KF who has been helping me behind the scenes to prepare for the AGM. thanks a lot you guys.

im trying not to be emo, but its not as easy as it looks. partially im happy because all these club things give me another reason to go back to school: a reason i've been yearning.

i think through internship ive already changed quite a lot: my mindset and my thinking has developed relatively quickly, and ive begun to feel less and less. maybe its the different company, maybe its the stress getting to me, listening to my other classmates talk about their internship.

i dont know why, but when people say something, i end up having a tendency to protect my own company: because they dont see the work these people here have put in to make what you see on TV. the nights these people slave over, only to be called "a government body" by the naive eyes.

look. they dont work for the government. they dont campaign for the government. so what? yes i love working here, each and every moment of it. but i do miss the club. so im kind of glad that i have to go back, despite my earlier rantings.

okay i cant type too much. i need to get back to work. its already 8.30!!! x)

OH AND BTW. i need a new phone.

stop being a darling princess. its time to be a warrior. fight for what you believe in. leave nothing to hope. you cant be disappointed if you cant hope. you cant be happy if you aren't sad. you cant be pleased if you've never felt pain.

phase 1 has been completed. slowly, but surely, i will eat you from the inside. slowly, i will destroy you. i will make you wish you were dead.

thats the spirit. bring out the warrior in you.

who am i sabotaging now?

everyone i ever cared about.

who means more to me?

i dont know.

who can i trust?

all the more, i don't know.

thinking back i realised that i have actually, on the backs on many, unknown to me, set a very elaborate trap for myself, so that no one actually knows who is who. everyone would think is someone else. its quite curious when i think about it.. but i like it that way. i dont like a simple life.

mediacorp is still awesome so far, but now with club stuff coming in, im beginning to feel more like im back in school. i love this feeling.

please dont let me out of the loop. i still want to help with the club.

i love the feeling of being able to be there, to help. it makes me feel that at least i still deserve my position as the president, even for a while more.

things are going to start getting busy soon, but now im feeling more like im living than i ever was. i love being busy. !!!

each day i become happier. but its with a sadistic twist. mediacorp is working me so hard that i hardly have time each day. but at the end, im happy. because together we've accomplished something that i could never have done it alone. Gemini has accomplished something the girl could never do alone.

each day, i become happier, for a reason that i cannot answer. but the happiness becomes a twist because im happy for the worst reason: revenge.

but hey, at least im happy.

that's it girl. together we can do anything. just a while more. a few more days. a few more days and the slashes on your wrists will heal. and once they do... you can move on. stop hurting yourself, instead, focus on hurting those that hurt you.