im tired.
so tired.
afraid of falling asleep.
i dont want to wake up
dont wake me up
from my beautiful dream.

im sick.
so sick.
afraid of seeing the truth.
i dont want to admit
i dont want to see things
as they really may be.

dreams
just dreams
they're all i have
all that i can believe
that i can say, i once lived

the real world
harsh and violent
but in my dreams
i can escape

my heart pangs, it hurts so much. even more so every day. some things cannot be undone. some things will never stop hurting. some things can never be forgotten.

i guess this applies to me to. ive done things that cant be undone, things that will never stop hurting ppl, things that people cannot forgive me for. but everytime when im alone, or when i think back, echoes come back in my head, repeating the same words over and over again. words that hurt me more than anything physical could ever hurt. words that, no matter how much i knew it was true, it still hurt thinking about it. words that never failed to well up tears in my eyes, tears that no one will ever see.

a softer side i saw
comforting, loving
beneath the layers
hidden, waiting
under the pain
the brutal, the hurt
caring and gentle
in touch and in word.

hmmm. progress. im making progress. i can feel it in my heart. i can feel the pain. i can feel the hurt of lying, and knowing that i cant lie to anyone anymore. for the first time, i can feel my heart telling me "stop it. its time to really stop it." this is the first time ive felt like i cannot lie to him or anyone anymore. honestly, it took me by surprise. but i am kinda happy it happened.

as i lay quietly in bed
pretending to be asleep in your arms
i gave myself a small prayer
that tomorrow will never come

reading phy and xiu's blogs made me realise what ive missed. because both posts were about the things they cherished and missed that we used to have, i realised i missed those same things too. its kinda sad wondering if we can ever get them back.

but more than that i miss a lot more. i feel like im now looking at a scrapbook in my life, hoping to get a glimpse of where i changed. i dont know why reading their posts were so emotional to me.. maybe because i feel i've lost touch with them. like im no longer there where i used to be.

sandy, if u happen to read my blog, happy birthday. i dont know which number you use now and i lost my phone, so i cant send you a birthday sms. but here's happy birthday from me.

a lot of things have been going on. thinking back makes my heart ache and hurt so much more. but the past is the past. i cant dwell on it anymore. sweet memories, bitter heartaches, its all the past now.

meaningless tears
falling continuously
silent sobs
alone in the dark
but even as the tears fall
i wonder why
why... i cry.
it wasnt pain,
it wasn't hurt.
and yet.. i bled.
my heart bled.
for some reason i didnt know.
but still, i continued to cry.

hmmm. phy and i were talking about chalet in december... wondering if that's even possible. but there are a lot of uncertainties...

1. xiu's leave?
2. xiu's baby?
3. sandy's free time?
4. advanced booking...

its finally happened: it's starting to mean less and less to me. every day im online i realise im less and less attracted to the game: it's changed too much for me to think about staying there too long. i guess im finally starting to grow up, knowing that one day i will leave this behind and move on. that one day i'll have to. before i started poly i used to play games a lot too. once school started i found myself having no time at all: other things were way more important. with school and friends and life beckoning to me, i found myself letting it go subconsciously. but now im consciously telling myself that i dont want to get stuck on this anymore.

i guess at one point i never wanted to leave the game, because it meant a lot to me. it meant that at least at that time i could talk to him. i know leaving the game behind i'd lose quite a bit of contact with him, but i trust our friendship is stronger than just beyond the world of gaming. it's with that trust that i lose the fear of letting it go completely.

i guess when my life gets busy again, when i find a life beyond this screen, i will move on. they ask me what about my friends in the gaming world. they're just characters on a screen. they were never anything more.

im gg to take it a step at a time. see how long more this game can continue to push me before i finally am forced to let it go completely.

angels and demons was a great show, but slightly dull compared to the book version. they left out a few key details and interesting twists that i really wanted to see. but overall nt too bad, better than the harry potter remakes at least.

spent 4 hours walking along vivo... waiting for the movie to start. imagine this, i reached at 4+ but the only timings that had good seats was a 1225 movie. even after eating and slacking and walking around vivo, still got time to spare. sigh.

there's this save the whales partition in national geogrpahic... i read some stuff, found out some interesting things about whales. the pictures kinda blow your mind. they show you stuff that you never imagine: like a real whale tail in the water, and ppl on the boats near it. the tail was bigger than the boat! O.o

they had odd things for sale, like this cold room where apparently its -3degrees inside. they had old paperwork old picture frames (complete with pictures), books, and even old dusty bottles (that go off for like 2K sgd... who would want those?). everything's super expensive: even the fork and knives are like... 15bucks each. super duper expensive.

but it was an eyeopener... i spent 1hr there hahaa.

slept in until 3pm today. still kinda restless.

its been.. almost a year since everything happened. since graduation, since my life started embarking on the road it is still on. all in all im growing older, getting wiser, and i guess maturing in general. i hope so. im not in a rush to grow up, but it suddenly seems inevitable that one day i will have to. im learning a lot these few days, about life, love, and everything in between (i think i took this from phy's blog).

to some people i guess life would be a lot more complicated, but to me it seems very simple, and getting simpler by the day. i guess this is what we call "getting used to life". ive read and tried to catch up with a lot of people's blogs... friends, enemies, classmates alike. everyone seems to be taking great strides in their lives: marriage, kids, work, study, all of the above maybe?

so at one shot i'll try to answer all the questions about my life: since i owe it to you guys for MIAing the past.. ya. very long time.

Studies: applied for RMIT 2 year advanced standing in degree for communications. if successful i'll only be doing 1.5years, and its a part time course so i'd graduate in approximately 2011. results will be out in august, so i got nothing to do till then!

Life: not working now, not erally looking for a job. maybe part time until my application proves successful?

ghostly memoirs

i hear your footsteps,
i see you glide by
my tears start to fall,
as i reach out to you
my heart pounds and thunders:
what if you shirk me away?

you walk on, as though
you dont see me at all
no flicker in your eye
no smile on your face
just the gentle steps on the pavement
and you continued that way.

i imagine this day,
over and over again
how can i get you to see me?
i am but a ghost of your past
a memory you've long forgotten
a past.. only i remember

a ring, a distant sound
a foreign object in my hands
a single rose, bright red as blood
i look up, curious, confused
and i see it in your eyes: i know
i have yet to lose.

sometimes the actions of someone makes your own seem effortless. sometimes you think the thought counts, but certain things just cant be overwhelmed even further. there's just too many elements im unsure of, too many things i dont know and may never have the chance to find out.

scary thought: more and more ppl i dont know are chancing upon my blog. @@ i dont exactly know if thats a good thing or not: i guess good thing about it is they can give me objective POVs without being afraid to hurt me (since they dont know me), while my frens will be.. i guess.. more... erm.. gentle?

well ive decided anyhow. a lot of things happened the past week, and last night settled all my doubts. ive made a lot of mistakes in the past, and im determined to never make those mistakes again. i dont know if its possible to change, or even to "not be who i am", but im going to try my best to change for me and for everyone else around me.

mother's day's coming up.. i dont know if i intend to do anything: my mum seems to have plans of her own. she keeps insisting i spend more time with her, and in my own defence its not that i dont wish to spend time with her: ever get the feeling that... the people around you dont see 100% what's happening to you, and yet... they assume they do? that just because you're... sleeping when they go out, and sleeping when they come back, must therefore mean you slept the whole day away?

my dad, on the other hand, is more relaxed about me staying out late. okay relaxed isnt the right word: he still spams sms-es and calls, but he's beginning to give me my own space: i.e. not calling my friends, waiting for me to reply... agreeing to let me stay out late as long as he knows where i am. i guess its come to the point where my dad has finally understood that im growing up, and he has to let me fly sooner or later. my mum, on the other hand... i guess to mum's we'll always be a kid.

phyllis is due back from aus soon.. cant wait to see her. talked to her on MSN a few days ago: she must be studying her butt off right about now. phyphy if you read this: GOOD LUCK IN YOUR EXAMS!

xiu just started work, im kinda waiting for her to post about her office and environment and such. but no luck yet. still waiting~

as for me, i got myself (or rather my mum) a new camera~ i got really annoyed with the macro on my old camera, and finally i found one im satisfied with!

i even cleared out my closet to make space for my new clothes (which i am ordering online).

final note: i need to diet. BADLY. ^^